Ho-hum
My dog has no dictionary.
How does it spell terrible?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 12:49, Reply)

Airman Gabber's heart clogging food recreation adventure Part 4
Knowing my passion for recreating unhealthy American foods back over here in Blighty one birthday Mrs Airman Gabber managed to source the materials to recreate a small part of the Hooters Experience back home.
If you've not had the pleasure of visiting this chain of diners it's essentially a chicken wing and seafood shack hosted by young attractive girls in orange hot pants. They are encouraged to skate around (hot food and rollerblades - what could possibly go wrong?) looking lovely and also encouraged to flirt with the (mostly) male clientele to keep them eating and drinking.

Before cooking which basically involves taking the wing-tips off with scissors, coating in the breading and throwing in a deep fat fryer until 90% of the oil has been soaked up by the chicken then covering with the (in this case hottest) sauce they sell.



Coated in 3 different types of Wing Sauce. All ready to stuff into our faces.


I have to go lie down now. My heart feels a bit twitchy.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 10:01, 30 replies)

Bacon sanger
White bread, butter.

Red or brown sauce, though?

YOU DECIDE*!



*Dependent entirely upon your sexuality and birthplace, which are intrinsically linked on this issue.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 9:01, 19 replies)

Marty Bung Nardy Burgees of the Gods.
Bonus points if you can recite the recipe in less than 3 seconds.

2 All beef patties,
"Special Sauce",
Lettuce,
Cheese,
Pickles,
Onions
on a sesame seed bun.

Hmmm...
I used to work with a young man who amongst other 'ailments' had been diagnosed as having Prader–Willi and (get this!) "Selective Tourettes".
I shit you not.
He knew me as "Marty Bung Nardy" which roughly translated as - I vaguely looked like some bloke called Marty who he had known. And on my first shift the car (nardy) for the group home in which he lived had broken down (bung). Hence - "Marty", "bunged" the "nardy".

He absolutely loved Mickey D's and would loudly shout out "Burgeeeez" anytime we drove past one in the bus. Suffice to say he didn't mind a big mac or 57 if he could get his hands on them - thank fuck for drive thru.
So I eventually made him my fave burger. And not surprisingly it shut him the fuck up. For about 5 min.

All of the "cooking" can be done on a cafe press.
Slice a wholemeal bun in half.
Swipe each cut side with dob of butter.
Place cut side down onto pre-heated press.
Smoosh some minced meat (your choice) into a patty that is slightly bigger than the bun.
Finely slice some tomato, cheese and rolled lettuce leaves.
Grate some carrot. Open a tin of sliced beetroot.
By this time the buns should be done - place them together cut-side in.
Chuck a patty or 2 into the press and crack an egg in to one side. Press down & cook. A mortar and pestle make a good weight.
Turn patties (and egg if you don't like it sunny-side) a couple of times till cooked.
EDIT: You could also cook up a ring of pineapple and some short-cut bacon. If you're a fatty like me.
Smear some mayonnaise and or mustard onto the bottom of the bun.
Place Burgeee, then cheese.
Then tomato and carrot and then a few slices of beetroot.
Then place the egg.
Finally squirt a glob of tomato sauce onto the top of the bun. Press the lettuce onto that.
Now marry the two parts together pressing the top bun onto the burger and stuff.

Cut into half if you are a girly nancy or just fucking dislocate your jaws and take a bite.
"Tourrettes Boy" fucking loved Marty Bung Nardy Burgees.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 4 Jul 2013, 8:36, 14 replies)

Health tip.
Take your favourite ready meal.
Bin it.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 4 Jul 2013, 7:55, Reply)

Waiter, waiter, there's a nose in my soup!

That's correct sir, the special today is nose soup.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 7:51, 2 replies)

There's a fine old tradition of shoving animals inside other animals amd cooking them.
It goes back centuries and may even have inspired some early urban legends, look up the camel stuffed with a sheep if you must.

I digress. Upon perusing the interesting menu board at a deli/cafe in the lovely town of Canmore Alberta I came across the delightfully named turducken.

Repulsive though its name may be, this Frankenfood consisting of a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken is bloody delicious and to cap it all it was also available in a pie. The best pie in the world.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 4:53, 13 replies)

Steak in America
I felt the post I wrote about how amazing steak is in America in the replies to my post (here: b3ta.com/questions/foodporn/post2005999) was so profound it needed to be posted on the main QOTW replies and not the replies for my own post:

[...]The Americans know how to cook a fucking steak. None of this 6oz grey bit of gristle on your plate ("if you go large it's a whole 8oz!" That's a cowgirl cut where I live now). I'm talking 16-32 oz of hardcore, perfectly cooked dead cow that this country has perfected the cooking of.

Anyone who ever visits Orlando, take a 45 minute drive south on the I4 to Texas Cattle Co. in Lakeland. Ask for Colin to serve you (not that that effects the steak but he's sound as a pound) and you will not be disappointed.

I cannot stress that last paragraph enough. Best steaks I've ever eaten.
(Mr_Lew, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 4:20, 22 replies)

Anyone got any good jokes?

(hadr0n Craic whore, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 2:31, 9 replies)

Nutella Muffins
1) Get a jar of Nutella, or similar supermarket brand spread. Works with anything of the same consistency. Sainsbury's does a chocolate orange spread that's also good for this.

2) Scoop some into an ice cube tray and freeze it for a couple of hours.

3) Make muffin batter as normal, spoon into muffin tray, and insert one Nutella cube into the middle of each one. Cover with remaining batter.

4) Cook.

The result is a fantastic sticky blob of goodness in the middle of your muffin, which is something we all ultimately strive for.
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Thu 4 Jul 2013, 1:08, 5 replies)

My dog's got no nose...
How does it smell?

I can't believe it. I come here to tell you this heart-wrenching tale of my poor animals' horrible affliction that has not only caused it it great pain and suffering but has also affected me and my family greatly.

And all you can do is try to make a joke out of it?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 3 Jul 2013, 22:09, 2 replies)

Crisp sarnie
Salt and vinegar or Walkers pickled onion.

Only a cunt wouldn't!
(hadr0n Craic whore, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 22:07, 5 replies)

Albert Marshmallow's dog has no nose.
How does it smell?

Fictional.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 21:37, 1 reply)

A man walks into a bar and orders a scotch, a vodka, and a beer
the bartender says "Johnnie Walker or one of the single malts?"
the man says "I don't care, my wife has left me"
the bartender says, "So, do want to go out the back and I can suck you off?"
did I mention it was a gay bar?
the man replies, "sure, but let me finish my drinks"
the bartender says "That'll be 40 quid"
the man says "that's a bit steep for Johnnie Walker"
the bartender says "No, I'm also a male prostitute. The drinks are on the house. You've just lost your wife, for God's sake"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 18:48, 7 replies)

My joke has no punchline.
How does it smell?
 
 
 
 
 
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 17:08, 7 replies)

My wine's got no "nose"!
How does it smell?

Well it doesn't, you see? Because it has no "nose". "Nose" in wine terms refers to the smell of the wine, as wine people are pretentious and snobbish.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 15:39, 15 replies)

Part 3 of Airman Gabber's Quest to block his arteries with home cooking..
After enjoying a pulled pork sandwich in Las Vegas it was my quest to recreate the delicacy. As you don't seem to be able to buy pulled pork in many places back in Blighty I was going to have to start with raw bits of an animal.

After rubbing the shoulder of dead pig in a selection of spices it's a case of bunging it into the oven for what seems like 300 years but was in actuality only 5 or 6.

What you end up with is a rather succulent and greasy offering like so:



After pulling it apart using a couple of forks like you would do with a crispy duck and mixing it with plenty of high calorie sugary BBQ sauce this is the sort of thing you end up with. Absolutely gorgeous but with the length of cooking it probably cost £10 in electricity on top of the cost of the meat. Might try it in a slow cooker next time.


( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 14:27, 23 replies)

Snoop Dogg's got no nose.

How does he smell?

cRAP
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 14:12, 1 reply)

My dog doesn't smell.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 13:42, 7 replies)

last night i followed up a few lovely jars of cider with a dozen oysters
it tasted as wrong as it sounds...
( zulu eh?, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 12:35, 8 replies)

Went to a posh restaurant for a friend's birthday t'other day. I had fois gras.
It was alright.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 12:15, 16 replies)

Crisps
Crunch.. crunch...
Dropped one on the floor
Never mind. Plenty more!

Crunch... crunch...
Greasy fingertips
Salty, tingly, licky lips

Crunch... crunch...
Walkers are great
Millions of packets have I ate

Crunch... crunch...
Never clean my teeth so I
Can taste them all the time

Crunch... slobber...
Dribbled on the keyboard!
Never mind, no-one saw

Crunch... crunch...
Almost scoffed the lot
So better eat that one I dropped

Crunch! Crunch!
Crisp crumbs everywhere!
On my desk and in my hair!

But CRUNCH! CRUNCH!
I don’t care! I feel bliss
COS I LOVE CRISPS!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 12:05, Reply)

My dog wears the soap.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 11:46, 5 replies)

My nose doesn't dog.
How does it smell?

To get to the other side!
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 11:41, 2 replies)

My dog has no nose!

Why did you cut your dog's nose off?

I wanted a pug :(
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 10:31, Reply)

Roman fella walks into a pub.
Asks for a Martinum.
The barman says 'Don't you mean a Martini?'
Roman replies 'If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for one you cunt!' and then runs him through with a spear.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 10:23, 5 replies)

What's the longest word in the world?
SMILES, because there's a MILE between the two Ss!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 10:01, Reply)

2 Unlimited have got no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no there's no limits
How do they sound?
(Eukanuba, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 9:59, 7 replies)

I got drunk the other night
Serves me right for sitting in a teacup.
(Eukanuba, Wed 3 Jul 2013, 9:58, Reply)

This sentence has got no no's.
Well there's two for a start.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 3 Jul 2013, 9:26, Reply)