Audience participation
We have a local comedy store at the nearby theatre every month. This guy went without fail every month and for some unknown reason, always sat in the front middle seats. If you sit there, your bound to get abused! Especially if you are built like he was - absolutly massive bulldog sort of a guy. The first time he got heckled he got asked his name (Rob) and his job (Nurse) and the comedian had a whale of a time with him.

Roll forward a month and he gets heckled again. When asked his name, a handful of people should 'Rob' and when asked what he does, same people yell 'Nurse'. Cue lots of laughter. Next month, The comedian asks him his name and literally, the whole theatre should 'ROB'! 'What do you do?' 'HE'S A NURSE'

The comedian just looked scared.

I guess you had to be there.
(Clarissa, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 12:00, Reply)

We were in the Comedy Store on my mate's stag do and there was another stag do on the other side of the room, with their dressed as a sailor. Lee Mack was on and winding him up and asked what rank he was. I shouted out 'Rear Admiral!' and got a massive laugh for it. Lee Mack asked who shouted it and my mates pointed at me. 'Fucking hell' he said 'Best heckle of the night and its from that greaseball over there'.

I had hair like Big Night Out era Vic Reeves at the time.
( Mr Gimpson Wolfguts, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 11:59, Reply)

At an amateur boxing night
in Blackpool some years ago. In one of the bouts, toward the end of the third and final round, one of the boxers manages to twist his knee awkwardly and is obviously in some distress. His opponent sees this and does the gentlemannly thing of standing off and throwing a few meaningless jabs for a few seconds until the bell goes. This is met with a ripple of appreciative applause from the crowd. Good for the sport's image and all that. In the middle of this spontaneous outbreak someone yells out "hit his fucking leg".
( routine has perfected burgers, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 10:07, Reply)

Last week
I was at Carlisle vs. Swansea Shitty.

Cyril the Swan (Swansea mascot) is walking out the tunnel. I start singing "your going down with the bird flu, down with the bird flu"

15,000 Carlisle fans join in. Swan walks off.
(An amusing and topical username, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 10:04, Reply)

Kings Head, Crouch End
Comedy night on Sunday - best of the month (apparently)

Every act was shit apart from the compere, who was Will Smith (the white, posh one).

First Act: Some German bloke who told unfunny jokes and then explained them at great length (I'm sure I've seen him on telly recently though).

Second Act: So shit I can't remember.

Third Act: This young girl. She was vaguely funny. Started talking about Sky Sharks, which got me giggling. Suddenly, she looks at me and asks how her act is going, I just shrugged. Apparently this is the worst thing I could have done. A positive response would have been good. A negative response would have given her something to work on. But a shrug tells her her act is so shit it's not even worth comenting on. Felt pretty guilty about that.

Fourth Act: A guy comes on and does the whole 'weird-bloke' act. Wasn't funny at all. He decided to play a short surrealist film about him pouring sugar onto a bench - also shit, not even a good pastiche.

Fifth Act: Some old London Gangster type, who everybody laughed at for fear of having their faces slit.

Wasn't a great night.

However, I've been since then and it has been very, very funny.

/length is my middle name.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 9:47, Reply)

Chesney Hawkes' Defender
Chesney Hawkes played at our University May Ball, about six years ago. This was well after he'd slipped out of the public eye, so we were expecting it to be shit. To be honest, he was fucking brilliant. But, as it was Chesney Hawkes, we had to stand and look unimpressed.

My mate starts slow-clapping after one song. This old geezer behind him taps him on the shoulder and starts having a go at him for not being supportive. Turns out he's only Chesney's fucking Dad, Len Hawkes (used to be the lead singer in The Tremeloes).

After telling us how hard his son's life had been, he said, "Now, enjoy the show properly." That were us told. Got his autograph though. But I probably used it to make a roach with later in the evening.

Another mate of mine asked Chesney to come to the barbeque we were having the next day. He said yes, but never showed up. Cuntmole!


/he was the one and only, so length requires no apologies
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 9:40, Reply)

Not so much heckling...
but hassling nonetheless.

My friend and I, drunk as hell, figured that as the casino was just across the road from the pub we'd just been at, we'd go check it out, having recently turned 20 and never visited before.

Plan was foiled upon entrance - serious-faced security guard informs "Sorry, due to the dress code, we can't let you in - blue or black jeans are not allowed".

My friend pipes up with "So, you're allowed to wear like, green jeans, then?"

Security guard: "Er, yes, I suppose you are".

Me: "And so you could even wear those really hideous skanky white jeans?"

Security guard: "Um... well yeah, the dress code just states no black or blue jeans..."

Friend: "So I could go reeeally crazy and get a pair of jeans and paint them all different colours and that would be acceptable?"

Security guard: "...as long as they didn't have blue or black in them?"

I think we decided to skip off then - he'd had enough.

Apologies for slight irrelevance, rambliness and length - first QOTW post.
(kadee may or may not be a nymphomaniac, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 8:42, Reply)

Lowry theatre last year...
Harry Hill live.

15 minutes into his act, a 3 second silence at the end of one of his tales when some small child (approx 8 years old*) on the front row pipes up

"Are you the man of You've Been Framed?"

Cue audience belly laughter and Mr Hill being unable to retort**

*Not sure what he was doing at the show.
**What kind of retort could you offer to an 8 year old heckler?
(gronda_gronda I'm old, please speak slowly., Sat 8 Apr 2006, 8:32, Reply)

Laughter House
Years ago at the Laughter House in Dubai a group of us are being bored to death by the most unfunny Scouse comedian I ever had the misfortune to see, a friend busting for the bathroom, tries to leave without drawing attention to himself, a bit tough when you're 7 foot tall and built like a brick sh!thouse.

The comedian sees him leaving and decides to heckle him asking where he's going etc. My mate bellows "Im off for a piss before the comedian comes on." Silence from the comedian followed by laughter from the audience.

When he comes back from the bathroom he tells us he's been waiting 10 years or so to say that line after hearing someone say it when he was a kid.
(Schlottie, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 7:27, Reply)

Stu Francis humiliated for my pleasure
Playing in a band I have heard many heckles but my favourite ever heckle wasn’t aimed at me but at Stu Francis (of 80’s Crackerjack fame).

When I was 18 my friends and I went to Devon for a week and stayed at a Pontins in Brixham (all my other friends went to Amsterdam and in hindsight I now kind of wish I had joined them). We went out every evening and got wankered, tried to meet girls and had fun, one evening we thought we’d see what the camp clubhouse had to offer before moving on to the town and discovered that Stu Francis was providing the entertainment for the evening.

Being children of the 80’s we thought we’d hang around, have a few drinks and see what the Stu Pot was up to. He went through his dull routine and unbelievably kept using his Crackerjack catchphrase “ohhh I could crush a grape” in between puns, the evening was off to a bad start and we started making plans for a night on the town when just after Stu yet again repeated his famous catchphrase “ohhh I could grape” someone from the crowd yelled “yeah but you can’t tell a fucking joke you prick”. Stu didn’t take this too well and being a family themed venue he couldn’t (or simply didn’t have the ability to) belittle and humiliate the heckler to shut him up.

His set continued and so did the heckler, we left after security started making their way over to the heckler after he screamed “if you say ohhh I could crush a grape one more time I’ll break your fucking legs Francis”.

As I laid in bed much, much later after many drinks and various substances I fell asleep to the sound of one of my friends vomit hitting the other side of the door to my room …again I wish I’d gone to Amsterdam.
(Sub-Lingual Hates You, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 3:40, Reply)

Friend of mine was walking down some sidewalks with a tie on his head like a bandana and a squirt gun.
and a girl yelled at him "what the hell is wrong with you"
He replied cleverly "I RAPE CATS FOR GOD SAKES!".
( d d, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 3:32, Reply)

T in the Park last year.
Foo Fighters. Can't stand them.

Dave Grohl plucks two strings, crowd squeals, and he stops. "Nah, that's all your getting", he says, a grin plastered over his gormless face.

Silence.

"Just get on with it, you wanker!" I cry.

Pregnant pause. Nasty glares.

"AND GET A FUCKING HAIRCUT."

Apologies for nothing!
(You're kidding me., Sat 8 Apr 2006, 2:51, Reply)

Oh dear...
It would appear I was pwn3d on page 6. Fucksocks. But thankfully I'm still pissed, so it means very little to me.
(Whizzer, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 2:37, Reply)

Billy Connolly...
Saw a cracker on one of Billy's live stand-up shows. Works very well in everyday life for us, too...

Billy: Blah blah joke blah...
Heckler: "Oi! Why don't you say something funny for once?"
Billy: "Hey ye! Stoap tellin' me hei ta doo ma joab! Dee I come roond tae yoor wiruk an' tell ye hoo tae sweep up?!"

Fuckin' classic. There's also an old boy who lives in my village who's an utter master of the heckle. He even heckles the vicar in church. With great success, I might add. Once I've sobered up I might be able to remember one or two and you'll all be the first to know. But for now, night night.
(Whizzer, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 2:23, Reply)

Here it is. Thank Wikiquote.
["Freebird!"]

Please quit yellin' that. It's not funny, it's not clever; it's stupid, it's repetitive. Why the fuck would you continue to yell that? I'm serious.

[Crowdmember yells out "Kevin Matthews!"]

Okay, Kevin Matthews. What does that mean now? Now what does it mean? I understand where it comes from, so do you. Now what does it all mean? What is the culmination of yelling that?

["Jimmy Shorts!"]

Jimmy Shorts. He's not here. He's not gonna be here, now what? Now where are we? We're here with you interrupting me again, you fucking idiot! That's ... you see where we're at? We're here at the same point again, where you, the FUCKING PEON MASSES, can once again ruin anyone who tries to do anything because you don't know how to do it on your own! That's where we're fuckin' at! Once again, the useless wastes of fucking flesh that has ruined everything good in the goddamn world! That's where we're at! HITLER HAD THE RIGHT IDEA, HE WAS JUST AN UNDERACHIEVER! KILL THEM ALL, ADOLF, ALL OF EM! JEW, MEXICAN, AMERICAN WHITE, KILL THEM ALL! START OVER! THE EXPERIMENT DIDN'T WORK! RAIN FORTY DAYS, PLEEEASE FUCKING RAIN TO WASH THESE FUCKING TURDS OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE! WASH THESE HUMAN WASTES OF FLESH AND BONE OFF THIS PLANET!! I PRAY TO YOU, GOD, KILL THESE FUCKING PEOPLE!!!!!

["Freebird!"]

Freebird. [drops the mike and storms off stage]
(Dr.Whogivesaratsarse, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 1:41, Reply)

Wasn't there...
But one that deserves mentioning.

Shortly after his 'John Smiths' advert campaign, Jack Dee at Hammersmith.

Heckler : 'Where's your ladybirds?'
Dee : 'In the dressing room mate, where's your self-respect?'

Still the finest I've seen ;-)
(ArfurDaley Must try harder., Sat 8 Apr 2006, 1:37, Reply)

Kylie Minogue in The Delinquents
I wouldn't be insane enough to actually see a movie with Kylie Minogue in it, but when The Delinquents was released I saw a preview of it in the cinema. There is one section where Kylie is leaning forward, a slightly psycho look in her eyes, and says "I love the look on his face just before he-" The preview cuts off at this point, presumably so you will be dying to know what she says next and will fork out an hour's pay to find out.

Unfortunately for the dramatic tension, the bloke in front of me yelled "WIPES HIS ARSE!!!"

PS No, no-one has posted Bill Hicks vs Freebird - could someone please tell me? Thanks!
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sat 8 Apr 2006, 1:27, Reply)

Does this count...
My good old pa used to be a headteacher, used to be rather fat and is still from Wales. A few years ago, he had reason to call a kid into his office. The kid got abusive and decided to call him, at the top of his voice, a fat Welsh puff. According to witnesses, pa hesitated before responding with:

'66% correct, more than you managed in any of your exams Andrew. Well done. You're suspended for a week.'
(spangledonkey I've got a mouse. His name is Gerald., Fri 7 Apr 2006, 23:54, Reply)

Teacher Heckles
I worked in a school where the Head of English was a legend. He could silence any pupil who dared to try and disrupt the class.

My favourite still has to be:

Pupil: Nice tie Sir, where did you get it?
Teacher: From the end of your Mum's bed this morning.

Classic (and probably illegal under the Human Rights Act nowadays).
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 23:39, Reply)

Jeez
I'm getting so sick of the 'knock cocks out of your mouth' and 'every time I shag your mum/dad they give me cake' gags. Read the previous posts you lazy cunts!

Anyway, my personal favourite was Jack Dee, had a bit of a heckle, tried a bit of banter with the guy but he just kept yelling so Jack says to the rest of the audience 'well, it's a night out for him...and a night off for his family'.
( shrinking man Been away a while, time I ventured back, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 23:32, Reply)

Leeds fans CAN be funny
2 good Leeds stories (honest)....

During halftime at the Crystal Palace - Leeds FA Cup game, Neil Morrissey came out to do a halftime prize draw. Several thousand Leeds fans broke out with "There's only one Les Dennis"

(If you don't know, Les Dennis divorced then wife Amanda Holden for having an affair with Neil Morrissey).

Morrissey started laughing and applauded the Leeds fans for their bit of fun. I doubt he was expecting that when he walked out.




This one really is excellent though...

There was a local singer in Leeds about to release her first single and she made a BIG mistake... performing at halftime during a football game.

She wasn't the nicest to look at and was just more than a bit overweight.

She had a troop of dancers with her to dance to the song she was singing.

ANYWAY... (this is going somewhere) There was a man with a video camera which sent the images to the video board and he was filming it so everyone could see better.

During the routine the fans in the stadium started cheering when the video would focus on some of the dancing girls, but loud boos rang out when the camera went back on the singer.

This went on for about 4-5 minutes and the woman was in tears when she went off.

This is now a favorite clip on Soccer AM. I hurt myself laughing so hard during that 5 minutes.

I don't think I've ever seen almost 40,000 people heckling one person before. It was truly a great sight to behold.
(Splarg, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 23:18, Reply)

memory jog from previous post
A friend of mine was stopped by one of those hardcore evagalists that yell in shopping centers

godbotherer: the usual blah
mate: "I don't beleive in god"
godbotherer: "THen I shall pray for you"
mate: "Thanks I'll make you the object of my masturbation fantasies for a week"
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 23:17, Reply)

Went to see Corrosion of Conformity last year in manc,
and they fucking ruled, but were plagued by tech problems, with Pepper's amp blowing up halfway through (It was a Mesa Boogie Triple rec), cue all the sad guitarists in the room (myself included) shouting "Marshall!... Marshall!... Marshall!"

Made me laugh anyway, in a kind of anoraky way.
( PMGT -Bacon., Fri 7 Apr 2006, 23:16, Reply)

Walking through town
with some of my mates, we spotted what can be described by popular culture as a MILF.

"MILF!" my friend shouted, in all his wiseness. This was followed by "How you doing love, fancy a drink? PHWOAR!"

As I recoiled in shame, the woman, obviously shocked said "I'm old enough to be your mother!"

To his eternal credit, my mate quipped "Well does that mean I can suck your tits?"
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 23:04, Reply)

Best heckle put down i heard
An aussie comic, it was a stag do so god knows what he was called.

There was a girl in the front who kept on interupting, not with heckles just shit and the comic was getting pretty riled by it. Finaly he snaps and said "look love I don't knock sailors cocks out of your mouth when your working so shut the fuck up when I am"

she shut up

I nearly soiled my self
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 23:03, Reply)

Grand Theft Audio hate me
Went to see a band, and Grand Theft Audio, were the support act - they acted like wankers, and no-one was impressed. Anyway, the start another song, and the lead singer shouts out "This song is for everyone, except YOU", and points straight at me.

Bassstard, it was a rubbish song anyway.
(wago, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 23:01, Reply)

Party Conference...
So there I was, delivering a vital speech on how important it is that each of our Proles be given a number and biometric I.D., and how essential it was to spread the Word among less civilised peoples, when some old git stood up at the back and shouted 'nonsense.' Luckily, he was wrestled out before he could do any serious damage.

I don't give a shit that he's been a member of the Party longer than I've been alive, I'm the boss now, so he can fuck off.
(Mr_Jums, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 21:58, Reply)

Phantom Menace
At the theater to see Episode 1, we mostly sat passively unimpressed or groaned whenever Jarjar showed up.

But at the part where they are trying to get into the bad guy's place, the three good guys shoot their grappling hooks and zip up the wall in unison.

Little kid next to me: "BATMAN!"
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 21:51, Reply)

Oft quoted by David Baddiel as his favourite
A comedian was on their arse at the Comedy Store, when a punter piped up with...

"Everybody hates you. Surely you remember that from school?"

He's recalled that one several times in interviews. One thing he always fails to mention though is that he was the comic in question.
(dandelionburdock, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 21:22, Reply)