Heckles
Not sure if this qualifies (OK I'm sure it doesn't) but worth a mention.

A good friend of mine was driving his bike and stopped at a zebra crossing. A blond vision started to cross... tall, beautifully built, legs to die for, breasts to.... you get the idea.
She had in tow a small scruffy looking dog.
My friend said the first thing that came in to his head..
"Hey Nice dog!"
The reply (does this count as a heckle?):
"Fuck off you cunt!!!"
The reply from my mate:
"Hey and it talks too!"
Makes me laugh to this day.
(DustyD, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 21:15, Reply)

I am surpried no one has mentioned. . .
. . . What Steve Martin replied to a heckler on one of his albums: "Thank you. I remember my first beer, too."
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 21:06, Reply)

Innocent
Picture the scene I'm on stage performing in the local pantomine and in this particular scene my character's blissfully unaware they're dealing with a ghost. I waffle on about how pale this ghost looks and encourage shouts of "Its a ghost" from the audience. All the other performances had gone well and audience partcipation had been at an all time high until this performance. The ghost "ghosted", I bumbled and the audience sat in dead silence forgetting that tradtionally the audience join in in pantos. It was beginning to get embarassing and so the prompt had to shout out "It's a ghost" for us as this was a key part of the scene. I opened my mouth to speak my next line and was beaten to it by a child "whispering" to their mum in the audience "Some people are so stupid it's obviously a man in a sheet". It woke the audience up as they all burst out laughing and this comment actually got the biggest laugh of the performance!
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 21:04, Reply)

Wolfie! Show us yer arse!
At some point in the 90s, Sky decided to jazz up the game of rugby league in this country, and suddenly my beloved, plain old "Warrington" were given a wash and a brush to become the infinitely more Hollywood "Warrington Wolves".

With the new name came a previously unhad mascot - Wolfie. A man dressed as a big blue wolf, if you will. Yer man Wolfie has a party piece that he'll do at least 2 or 3 times a game. For instance, if things flagged a bit, the crowd would chant "Wolfie! Show us yer arse! Wolfie, Wolfie show us yer arse!", and occasionally he'd rise to the bait, pull his big wolf shorts down to reveal a second, white pair, with "LET'S ALL HAVE A DISCO!" daubed on them in huge letters. The crowd would then sing "Let's all have a disco, let's all have a disco, la la la la....(etc)" and dance around manically for a minute or so.

Unfortunately In one pre-season game a few years back, Wolfie's big plush mascot-hands failed to get hold of the outer short, and he instead inadvertantly pulled down both pairs of shorts and his boxers to reveal his decidedly underwhelming Wolf cock.

Cue the one-time only chant of "Wolfie's got an 'ard on...Wolfie's got an 'ard on...la la la la..."
(dandelionburdock, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 21:02, Reply)

LoTR3
Not me, but a friend.

He went to the midnight showing of Return of the King. They literally showed 30 minutes of previews. One of the last was for Bruce Almighty, the one where it just says, "If you were God for one week, what would you do?"

So someone in the crowd yells out, "START THE MOVIE!"
(I bape rabies Let's go get Chick-fi-A!, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 20:55, Reply)

I once went to a pantomime
And there was someone behind the fella on the stage, so I shouted "He's behind you!"

The actor looked REAL embarrassed, because he kept turning around to try and see who was behind him, but every time he did, the other fella turned around him too. It was real funny like.

Later, he anally raped me and told me that if I ever did it again he'd murder my family and feed them to me.



I didn't do it again.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 20:24, Reply)

"In the 19th Century"
There was a circle of students on the mall at the University of Arizona in Tucson. I think we were arguing about the legitimacy of the papacy, or some such, when I sputtered to life, stepped into the circle, harrumphed, and with much pomposity began "In the 19th Century..."

Out of sight, someone echoed, with dead-on accuracy, "In the 19th Century..."

That was it. I forgot what I had to say, and had to retreat back into the circle, to much mocking laughter.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 20:15, Reply)

Please
Stop using the one about 'every time I do your mother, she gives me food...'

Some cricketer said it and now you're acting like everywhere you go, you hear it again for the first time. It's as funny as teh bad AIDS.

So stop, thanks.
(Reach Out And Touch Ham, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 20:06, Reply)

Another from The Mighty Boosh
Again, sorry if already bindun - saw this one recently on the Boosh forums and just had to share...
Live gig; Julian is playing the part of the afro-topped character Rudi. He utters the trademark line "I go by many names..." and some tit in the audience shouts out "TWAT!!".
Julian kicks off his comeback with "Quiet, or I'll chuck a bucket of cocks at you" which gets a few good laughs. He carries on "There'll be so many cocks you'll be sucking on them for 15 years" (gets a few more giggles) "...it'll be like your childhood all over again." Cue entire audience in utter hysterics. Genius.
(Space Strawberry in 3D, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 19:51, Reply)

ironically enough,

When I was going down on Jennifer Saunders she criticised my technique.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 19:37, Reply)

I had a part time job at a world famous amusement park.
Heckling guests and other cast members was standard practice.

My favorite though was when this girl whom I worked with was talikng about what she will look like when she gets older. She wasn't the smartest girl, and her anecdotes were the stuff of legendary mockery.

So, she is saying one day about how in her family, since she is overweight now (around 20) her mother had told her that she will be skinny when she gets older.

I heard this and before I could even stop myself I said "Yeah, cancer will do that to you."

Silence for a moment then everyone else started cracking up. One girl even spit soda she was laughing so hard.
( Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 19:36, Reply)

Dara O'Briain - Mock the week
Was in the Anvil in Basingstoke last night to watch Dara o'Briain, the fckin funny rapid fire paddy that hosts mock the week on bbc2 or whatever.

he's talking about sterio types

an asks, 'what's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the French?'

bloke in crowd 'Smelly, Arrogant'

'How about the Dutch?'

'Spliff Heads'

'And how about the Americans?'

and not 3 metres 2 rows away from me a scally pipes up

'Wankers!'

Dara goes 'best not mention the germans then'

cheers

(hasten to add the whole set was to dispell sterio types an take the piss ironically, but acknowledged it'll probably be lost on the targets anyway, 'specially the yanks)
(1_not_so_careful_owner, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 19:18, Reply)

heckles
Everton v Watford a number of years ago. watford took a hammering.
crowd singing to watfords chairman(elton john)
"...and i guess thats why they call em the blues" oh and "Dont bend down when eltons around or you might get a penis up your arse." to the tune of my old man said follow the van.
(freddred, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 19:14, Reply)

My favourite variation on the "I don't come to your work" put-down
was from Marcus Brigstocke, who used the charming "I don't come down to the docks and slap cocks out of your mouth."

But my absolute favourite ever was from a compere at a festival responding to somebody who kept shouting "tell us a joke" at a poet. "You want a joke? I'll tell you a joke. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar ... and they all think you're a cunt."
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 19:07, Reply)

Leeds Festival 2001, The Comedy Tent, Mr Drayton's World of Quiz
I heckled the guy while on stage, standing mere inches away from him. I'd managed to win my way up to the final round, the inevitable "Wheel of Fortune" round. There I was, inside a huge tent (I've no idea of numbers....a thousand people in front of me maybe?).
"Spin the wheel you spunky young lad..."
Cue strange 'who are you calling spunky, chap?" look from me
"Yes, I'm the host, I can call you whatever you want, you cunt"

At which point I grabbed the mike and proclaimed "It's the nearest you'll get to a cunt tonight, you prick."

I was, for a few seconds, the most popular man in Leeds.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 19:02, Reply)

Don't call me fat!

A comedy club in East Dulwich.

A rather lardy comedian.

Someone in the audience shouted "Fuck off, you fat cunt" and the comedian replied "Who said that?". Some wag stood up and proudly shouted "Me!". The comic said "Look mate. There's a reason I'm so fat" (we're all thinking he's going to blame it on an illness or something - we couldn't have been more wrong) - "Look mate. There's a reason I'm so fat. It's because every time I go round and fuck your mum she gives me a piece of cake".

I think the heckler fucked off home.
( kinks rock over London, rock on Chicago, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 18:46, Reply)

At a juggling convention a few years back
There was an American guy doing a routine at the renegade show (late night, anything goes kind of thing) and he was juggling basketballs (not relevant to the story but insert obligatory joke about the size of his balls here).

Anyhoo, this guy was slagging off the Brits, calling us "limeys" and all the usual USA-centric bollocks.

He paused in his routine so I called out from the back "What's the difference between America and yoghurt?". He looked a little baffled and said in a slighty concerned tone "I don't know..."

Cue the response of "Yoghurt has a culture!" followed by cheers of approval from the crowd and one very pissed off and angry yank.
( JugglerJAF It's curtains for you.Lacy gently wafting curtains, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 18:39, Reply)

Not so much a heckle -
At an Iron Maiden gig, 3 years ago. Funeral for a Friend were opening (for what reason, I have no idea).

They got very few cheers in total all night. First when they announced that it was their last son, the second when they'd finished the last song and they were leaving.


You'd be forgiven for thinking that that would be the end of it, however, they got their biggest cheer of the night when the roadies took their sign down from above the stage.



That'll teach em for singing about orcs all night.... And for being Welsh...
( brooza wonders how long a sig can be and if this will fit, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 18:35, Reply)

Funny football story
"I went to this football match once and it was really funny because the crowd started chanting 'You are rubbish' to the away team because they had lost 5-nil in a previous game... or something."

Sorry, but these posts are not in any way humorous, not the vaguest bit interesting and not even particularly relevant to this QOTW.

C'mon, you can do better people. Just make something up if not.

I didn't, but then thats because I live an interesting and jetsetting lifestyle that doesn't in any way shape or form involve watching 22 grown men kick an inflated sphere made of pigskin around a large advertising-riddled oblong of grass, on a neck-achingly giant TV screen in a pub full of beery sweaty Neanderthals.

*awaits heckles*
(martianrobot, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 18:24, Reply)

Cricket heckle
Watching the Warwickshire v Northamptonshire 20twenty cricket match last summer at Edgbaston. Northants are fielding, and the fielder closest to the Eric Hollies stand (where the majority of the fans are) is not very good.

Thanks to the innovation of names on the back of the shirts we know that this fielders name is Huggins. He constantly drops catches, misfields, doesn't throw very far. What starts as goading, soon becomes sarcastic support. 'Huggins for England' being sung by 5000 cricket fans after each mistake was probably the final straw for the Northants captain who changed the field and put another fielder over by the Hollies stand.

Cue new fielder making a mistake and the crowd chanting 'Are You Huggins In Disguise?'

Then it's Northants turn to bat, and reasoning that Huggins didn't bowl and wasn't much of a fielder - we thought that he must be high up in the batting order.

The openers come out, no Huggins. A wicket goes down and the chant starts up 'We Want Huggins! We Want Huggins!'. This chant started with each wicket, but he never appeared. Warwickshire only took 7 wickets, so we never saw him again.

We like to think he was crying in the changing room.
(Newton Crosby, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 18:16, Reply)

"What's the matter Coterill...."
My mate is an avid Mackem supporter and told me about a heckle he heard at a game a few seasons back. Since Sunderland can't fill their stadium and are usually getting walloped the games pretty much go by in silence. Assistant manager Steve Coterill was standing on the touchline scribbling down notes when he paused and looked up to which one fan shouted "What's the matter Coterill? Can't you spell shite?".
(Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 18:14, Reply)

A few years ago..
in the early nineties, myself and some friends went to see Henry Rollins (the ex lead singer of a semi-famous US punk band called Black Flag) who was due to play with some new material that he had brought out (not the spoken word stuff, we wanted proper punk rawk). Anyway, there we were in the smallest venue ever, couldn't be more than a couple of hundred in, but still packed (the Duchess of York in Leeds if anybody remembers it) which forces an intimacy between the performer and audience normally only seen in strip clubs and positively encourages riotous conditions, when on strides Rollins in just a pair of shorts, sporting all his tattoo's and exuding an air of menace as he limbers up on stage as the rest of the band prepare. A quick one, two through the microphone and off he sets into the first 100mph turbocharged punk rock song, and the place goes wild, guys hurling themselves through the air, Rollins punching anybody who got on stage (which was hard not to do as it was only two foot high) and a deafening blast of solid punk rock... Brilliant!

First song ends.. and a gasping of air lull, when..

one of our mates shouts..

"play Stairway to Heaven"!

Mr Rollins didn't look too happy with that, but didn't do anything about it due to our friends 6'6" height and brick shithouse build, but we still laugh about it.
( Nuisance Value, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 18:12, Reply)

Right. Bit of a specialist subject of mine this.
So one comedy one, one non-comedy one.

Comedy one.

Simon Munnery was performing at The Glee in Birmingham about two years ago, and he decided to do his new comedy character 'bucket head'. Said character consists of a man with a bucket on his head.

He's introduced onto the stage, and before he can get to the mic someone in the crowd shouts

'You look pail!'

Audience pisses itself, poor Simon hasn't heard the heckle because he has a bucket on his head. Gig, sadly, goes south.
(Newton Crosby, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 18:10, Reply)

more footie
Okay a quick confession. I'm a St Johnstone fan - someone has to be.

Coming from Fife though I didn't get to see them that often but they were playing away to Raith Rovers who are the nearest club to me. My dad said, "I know someone at the club, he can get us tickets for the executive box"

If you've ever been to Raith's ground you'll know that Starks Park Executive Box is an oxymoron. But a game's a game and it would be good to see the Saints play so I agree to go along and I decide to bring my girlfriend along too to watch her first game of football.

On that particular Saturday it was pissing it down relentlessly and after 20 minutes of walking I was as wet as it's possible to get. By the time we get to the ground we're both soaked and cold and just generally miserable. I find my dad and think right, if we can just get indoors and get a drink everything will be right with the world again.

"So where's the posh entrance then?"

"I don't know, I think it's round here."

"No, that's just the normal entrance for home supporters."

"Are you sur..."

"Yes I've been here plenty of times before."

"Well let's just get inside and we'll ask where to go."

Groan. So the three of us get in and the only official looking people are selling programmes and pies so we just head to a seat and sit down. In the cold. And wet. With Raith Rovers fans all around us. Bollocks.

So to hurry the story along I'll simply say that my team won 4-1. I was so cold I was shivering, I had to bite my tongue everytime a goal was scored and I knew that my girlfriend was going to murder me when we got home for putting her through all this.

Full-time, thank christ for that we can go home. And then it happened, the best and most apt heckle I've ever heard and it cheered me up completely. Just as we were filing out one of the Raith Rovers fans shouted out to his beaten team in a very broad Fife accent, "You're fucking shite Rovers!"

Yes, they truly were.
( djtrialprice, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 18:05, Reply)

Dick Whittington
When I was very, very small, my dad was in a local amateur dramatic production of the pantomime Dick Whittington, as the mayor. I was incredibly excited and couldn't wait to watch him act.
It had been going for what felt like hours, with no sign of my dad, and little Oranguturn was getting fidgety. I whispered to Mummy: "When's Daddy coming on?" She proceeded to inform me that this unrecognisable buffoon who'd been on stage for most of the play in a giant beard and hat combo was, in fact, my father. Cue a loud, disbelieving, toddler's protest:

"THAT'S NOT MY DADDY!"
(oranguturn, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 18:02, Reply)

footie
Pre-season friendly 2005, Norwich City vs Cambridge United.

Norwich were about to about to join the Premiership and Cambridge were in League 2 (Division 4 in old money). Though Norwich started well and were 2-0 up after 10 minutes they were only 3-0 up at half-time and the final score was 3-1.

Chants included "Premier league, you're having a laugh" and "Down with the Palace, You're going down with the Palace". Which turned out to be true.

On the last day of that season, Norwich could have saved themselves from relegation by beating Fulham but instead found themselves getting shafted 6-0. A popular chant in the Championship this year has been "Six nil, you fucked it up".
( djtrialprice, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 17:51, Reply)

Not my rapier-like wit, I'm afraid, but...
A mate of mine, we'll call him Dave, attended a wedding last year - the full hearts, flowers, churchy-bollocks meringue-frocked caboodle. At the end of the wedding breakfast, the traditional ting-ting-ting of a champagne glass sounded and the speeches commenced.

The father of the bride was first up, to a clattering of applause as he had recently had a heart attack and was only just out of hospital. A fairly standard speech followed, although Dave was fidgeting from the start - the booze had run out on his table.

Ten minutes in, FoB is reaching the climax of his speech and it's all getting a bit emotional.

FoB: And I just want to say... I've never seen Laura look more beautiful than today (rapt sighs)... or happier (applause)...and to think... to think I might not have been here this day... (respectful silence)... to see my beautiful girl..(FoB wells up, long pause)...gulp...

Dave: (loudly, in bored irritable tone)YeeeeeeeeeSSSS?

FoB wisely wound the speech up swiftly.

Mind you, that's not the worst thing Dave did at that wedding. In the church a huge photo of the happy couple had been put up to allow friends and family to write their messages of love and goodwill on it. One crudely-drawn enormous spunking cock later...
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 17:20, Reply)

Spiderman 2
Remember the bit where Spidey is struggling with Dr Octopus on the out-of-control train, and the camera pans forward and shows that there is no more track left for the train? A girl in the cinema I was in shouted out "Yeah, right!" at exactly the right time - everyone heard it and creased up for the next 5 minutes. She timed it perfectly, there was a drop in the sound and everything, we still talk about it, and wonder if she had already seen it before and planned the whole thing.

*POP*
(wago, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 17:17, Reply)

Got a round of applause
when I got up to go to the toilet at last years Tim Vine tour at hemel Hempstead, he said oh has he had enough, where's he going then, my sister shouted " he's gone to find a comedian" everyone laughed and he said give her a round of applause (don't really think you can have comeback for that!) which they did, i also stopped off at the bar and bought him a beer which then I got a round of applause! Nice guy and funny to!
(djgalaxe, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 17:14, Reply)

Musical Heckles
Probably the best heckle ever was an audience participation one, someone shouted out "Drum Solo!" and a bright spark in the audience shouted out "Han Solo!".

It's along the lines of someone shouting out "I would do anything for love" for another member of the audience to complete the phrase with "But I won't do that!".

"Turn the keyboards up" for a band without any keyboards is another Nottingham favourite.

Thankyou, drive through.
(rlucas666, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 17:09, Reply)