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This is a question Heckles

Forget the drunk bloke at the back yelling incoherent nonsense. Sometimes a well placed heckle can raise a mediocre act to a brilliant night out.
Tell us your best heckles and, if you are brave, the retorts that put you back in your place like the maggot you are.

(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 13:13)
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This question is now closed.

Bachelor/Batchelor Boys
I hold myself up to ridicule by saying that I have seen the Bachelors (ask your gran) so I must add that it wasn't through choice. Anyway, my brother-in-law comes back from the bar with drinks and obviously makes too much noise handing them around, prompting one of the fellers on stage to say: "I'm going to come up to your room later and talk while you perform."
To which the reply was: "I hope I perform better than you."
Made the evening almost worthwhile.
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 0:26, Reply)
Movie 'hecklers'
Being a frequent movie goer myself, I can relate to many of these hilarious heckles shouted at the big screen. Oh the look on the actors faces when they realise how expertly they have been heckled. Still, you have to admire their professionalism in carrying on like nothing happened...
(, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 0:06, Reply)
more an interruption
I 'phoned my mate who was a pastor on his mobile.

He was only in the middle of speaking to a conference of several hundred church leaders, and forgot to switch off his mobile.

For some reason he answered, and I could hear them all laughing.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 23:55, Reply)
Lord of the Gush
another film-based stealth-heckle:

In The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (or LotR:F to you abbreviophiles), during the scrap in Balin's Tomb, there is a perfect moment:
Frodo is stabbed by the cave-troll's spear, and if you whisper, *just* at that split-second when the inital gasp has passed and a half-second silence reigns, just whisper the immortal words 'SEX FACE' to the person next to you, you will never be forgiven ever, nor feel the same way about Elijah Wood ever again.

NB as if LotR didn't have enough bumming, I also had to use the phrase 'stabbed with the cave-troll's spear'. considering frodo's reaction, I think el trollio hit the spot.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 23:55, Reply)
Troy again...
my stealth-heckle during troy was sufficient to get a dozen people near me a-giggling, and improved the film greatly:
early in the film, a heavily-oiled, musclebound and half-naked bradster is all manly and serious, putting the moves on a young priestess of some significance or other; he's playing the intense-and-deep card, and the director plays along, bringing a tense pause to the scene after he delivers the line:

"there's some things they don't teach you at the temple."

as they stare into each other's eyes like two hollywood actors, what else could I do but stagewhisper the inevitable follow-up?:

"I've got a *really* big willy."
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 23:42, Reply)
Underground Velvets
I'm quite proud of this because it's true, i hope i don't fuck up the perfectness of the heckle by telling it shitly.

some time ago at the hope & anchor, islington, a velvet undergrounds cover band were playing. The lead singer, talented as he was, couldn't introduce JD and Coke together, every song had a 5 minute introductory lecture, but nobody said owt, as the place is pretty small and nobody wanted to be a fucknut about it. he was just nervous...

Anyway, We had to endure this behaviour for at least 3 songs, and as he rambled on and on, he forgot what he was talking about! He'd gone on about unusual chord structures for so long, and I was right near the front and i'd been chewing my lip for so long I just blurted it out...


Cue cheers, hoots, applause and one covers band singer quickly re-evaluating his approach to introducing other people's songs. :)
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 22:58, Reply)
I like Kiss (the band) but never realised until I saw them live what a dick Paul Stanley is. It's the "Reunion in Make-Up Let's Squeeze The Fans Dry" tour at Donington, and they are headlining.

I've had a few.

Paul Stanley is seriously pissing me off with this endless stream of bullshit between songs until we get "Y'know, ever since Kiss started we've wanted to come to Donington to kick your ass!"

What a load of bollocks, so here comes the heckle,

"Crap, Kiss formed in the early 70s and Donington didn't start until the late 70s, so you are talking utter shite Stanley."

Nice one. Factually correct and I'm sure if he'd heard me he would have agreed. But he didn't. The lass in front did.

"Would you mind shutting up, I've driven up from Bournemouth to see them and you are spoiling it for me!"

"Who's going to make me?"

Enter big boyfriend, six foot fifteen, twenty stone, muscles on his teeth... you get the idea.

"Me. Now shut the fuck up or I'll smack you."

I'd like to say that I got the first punch in, floored the guy and ended up taking his girlfriend in the bushes for a quick shag, but ever the coward I did what he asked.

It is then you find out who your mates are, as one of our lot, Dom, started to drop comments like "Kiss are shit" and "Paul Stanley is a wanker", all the time Musclehead kept giving me the evil eye.

I was going to die. Watching Kiss. My last memory was going to be Paul Stanley. I did the honourable thing and legged it, causing me to miss the encore "Detroit Rock City".

Never went to a gig with Dom again.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 22:46, Reply)
Yo La Tengo
(Those influential 'merkin Indies)

I've seen them a couple of times, and they've always had a question and answer session half way thru' the gig. Gives the band a bit of breather, allows them to interact with the audience, give the audience a chance to skin up etc. Nice idea.

Well, it was at Leicester De Montford Hall two years ago, and the questions from the audience ranged from the awful ("what sort of guitar is that?" and "do you know anyone famous?") to the predictable ("Is GWBush mad or evil?", "Will you play 'Cherry Chapstick'?" and "Which song do you wish you'd written?") and to his credit, Ira answered them all with honesty and openness, but I could tell that he was hoping for something different. So I hit him with :

"Can badgers swim?"

With a smile and a chuckle, Ira admitted that he wasn't sure but he suspected they would.

OK. Not really a heckle, but I like to think I brighten uo the day for both YLT and the audience. And, to be honest we all needed it after the gawdawful Gorki's Zygotic Mynki's had assaulted our ears.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 22:37, Reply)
Tranvision Vamp
I had been dragged to see them in the early 90's by my then g/f and some mutual friends.

We arrived at the venue and, whilst the partners of her friends made off to the bar to avoid listening to the the chronic support, I was told in no uncertain terms to stay in my seat.

Cue filthy mood.

Support end, guys return [half cut], and on come Transvision Vamp. The punters went mad and just as the crowd noise died down and Wendy James was about to say "Hello!", I decided to cheer myself up by shouting "Tits Out!" just at the optimum moment.

She told me to "Fuck off!" The crowd cheered.

G/f was not impressed, which then pretty much continued until I left her last August.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 22:13, Reply)
Penis Puppet
I was new in town and was asked out on a 'ladies night' by the women from my local pub. This involved getting as shitfaced as humanly possible and then going to see a show. I should have declined the invitation after the horror of the last night out, several bottles of cheap white wine and once everyone was suitably drunk and argumentative we all crowded into a circus tent to watch 'The Lady Boys of Bangkok' I pitied those poor boys, but their smiles never faltered. Anyway, maybe I went along because in some small way those women made me feel smug and superior, I was hanging out with real Jeremy Kyle guests! So I agreed to go along to watch 'Puppetry of the Penis' where two guys stand naked, tell jokes and bend their willies into hamburgers, skyscrapers, garden gnomes etc The theatre was packed out, the drunkest two women had smuggled a bottle of vodka in and were totally shedded. The show started and all was well for the first 15 minutes or so. Then the oldest hardest drunkest women decided to take offence at the whole concept of the show, although the whole thing was her idea. 'Get yer kit off now!' she yelled at the top of her voice, These men were standing there starkers, ' My Len's gotta bigger cock than that!' She repeated this over and over at the top of her voice as I slid further and further down into my seat. The people in front turned round and told her to shut up. Big Mistake, huge. This woman got up and started shouting and screaming but nobody did a thing. The penis boys kept on bending and stretching away and the rest of the audience stared resolutely ahead. I'd had more than enough and decided to leave. As I got up and walked away she yelled ,' Hey, where you going? Oi, everyone, look, look, she's going for a piss' The next day I got the local paper and she'd made the front page, 'Drunken heckler ruins night out' Haven't been out with them since, although strangely I miss them.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 21:16, Reply)
I wanted to go see Secretary rather than a kids film, hence the heckling.

We ruined no-one's evening but the guy who insisted we should see Peter Pan, who was trying to pull at the time. In hindsight, probably should've mentioned it, but I didn't have a length/girth joke lined up.

Narnia was just a bad film so we took the piss out of it.

'A heckler is a person who shouts an uninvited comment, usually disparaging, at a performance or event'. Okay it's not as good as a live performance, but a film is still an event.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 20:24, Reply)
Bottom Live
In Liverpool,
i went to see this with a group of friends, all waiting for the chance to shout "Have a wank!' at any opportunity. Anyway another friend was sitting below us and towards the front, a friend of a friend had actually watched the DVD night before as it had been releaced mid tour, he repeatedly finnished lines until Rik Mayall steps up to the front and shouts "Shut the fuck up you cunt" the lad was silenced followed by a roar of lauchter from the audience and received continued 2 finger guestures from Rik throughout the show
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 20:20, Reply)
Not exactly a heckle, but that isn't stopping anyone else....
I used to be taught English by a formidable Irish lady. She couldn't pronounce 'th' and would say 't' instead. She also lost her temper with anyone who appeared slow on the uptake.

So in a crowded lecture theatre we'd ask, 'Which book of Paradise Lost are we on? The second?'
And she'd answer, 'De turd!'
So we'd say, 'Yes, that's it! The second!' to make her say 'No, de turd! De TURD!' and we'd try to keep a straight face.

You could vary the question as long as the answer included 'third', so you could ask what the date was and then contradict her, or, my favourite, ask her what that famous Irish book about bicycles was - the Second Policeman? The Fourth Policeman?
She'd go red in the face at your stupidity and jabber 'Turd! Turd! Turd!' at you.

For three years we took the piss every week and she lost her temper every time and never cottoned on. Top entertainment.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 19:44, Reply)
Another cinema one
Went to see troy after college nearing the end of its release at Manchester’s Odeon (before it got shut down).
Anyway im with too of my mates (who do class civ. and ancient history at college) and all I can hear is them moaning and groaning about how inaccurate it all is... so it comes to the part where brad pitt (Achilles) is standing outside the gates of troy shouting HHHEECCTOOORR.. with all the boredom (mostly because I couldn’t hear the film because of those two, I shouted - "he’s having his tea!".

Dunno if it counts but it got a few chuckles.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 19:22, Reply)
Not technically a heckle. Well, not remotely a heckle but it still involves public gathering-related japes.

School assembly one morning. Usually some ageing god-bothering vicar guy is wheeled in front of us to try and persuade us that "Jesus is Trendy" and "Don't Be A Cnut". Instead (and this is about the time that women were starting to be ordained) a young redheadded female vicar enters the hall; dogcollar and vicar-robes n'all.

We stand up dutifully as she processes to the lectern and once there she bids us sit.

Her opening gambit? "Well, I bet you've never had a woman up the front before..."

500 teenage boys and not a few members of staff simultaneously wet themselves with laughter and continue to do so for the remainder of her lecture.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 19:16, Reply)
My sister was crying once
And when we asked her why she started howling about something her boyfriend had done.

I ask, "Which one?"

Parents lose sympathetic faces, and spend the next few minutes trying to control their laughter so they can tell me off for being nasty.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 18:48, Reply)
So then: going to see Peter Pan, in the cinema, with your mates, pissed. Sweet suffering mother of fuck.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 18:01, Reply)
Jerry Sadowitz
Played in front of a Canadian crowd, at the Montreaux comedy festival, opeing with the best ever line of "Hello Moose fuckers".

Cue a drunk and angry Canadian getting on stage and Punching Mr Sadowitz in the face. end of act good night.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 17:25, Reply)
not sure if it fits in the subject but...
running a pub in maidenhead, busy saturday.
i knew most of the customers in the area having looked after most of the pubs around at some point, so knew who could cause trouble. half caste bloke came in who i knew as a bit of a handful but we got on ok. he got a bit drunk and started on some of the guys watching the footy. got louder and louder so i turned to him from behind the bar and asked him politely to leave.
"is it becos i is black" he shouts, trying to be funny and get a rise out of me.
"no, it's because you is stupid" i retort into a now silent pub
at which point he shrivelled visibly into his pint as the entire pub pissed themselves and then he left.
made my day it did.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 17:21, Reply)
Jack Dee
DeMontfort Hall, circa 1994. Walks on stage...

"good ev...."
"FUCK OFF YOU TWAT" from the back of the hall.
"erm, no, erm, you fuck off. You twat"

It was horrible. He died within the very first second.

(oh, and its not a heckle if you shout it at an inanimate cinema screen. It's just being a nuisance in a public venue. Or if you're a 13 year old making hilarious comments about the sexuality of Darth Vader. Jesus. You can tell its the school holidays can't you)
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 16:53, Reply)
Reading 2000
Daphnie and Celeste decided to play the main stage. This was one of the greatest experiences of my life. Holding a huge home made banner reading FUCK OFF!, right at the front, bottles of piss flying over my head onto the stage, the brave girls got through one entire song. Thge next thing I saw wasa flare fly over head onto the stage, which resulted in security coming on stage and pulling them off.
If they'd played a few more minutes we'd of had the barrier at the front down and invaded the stage.
This is the closest I have ever found my self to a riot. And my voice has never truly healed after all the abuse I shouted.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 16:41, Reply)
ji sung park
park, park
wherever you may be
you eat dogs in your own country
could be worse
you could be scouse
eating rats in your council house

what makes me laugh is that its his own fans who sing that...
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 16:41, Reply)
Lee Hurst
you've reminded me of the time he was the surprise special guest at Up the Creek.

Someone shouted "hows your back?", he simply replied "It's fucking terminal mate, how do you think?"

No more heckles from anyone.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 16:38, Reply)
as fuck at a gig in Bristol with Massive Attack, Portishead. Damon Albarn is supporting. I shouted at the top of my voice 'Play Snooker-Loopy'
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 16:09, Reply)
Lee Hurst...

...is still alive, according to his website. And making a new TV program.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 15:57, Reply)
Lost in Translation.
This might only work if you have a keen working knowledge of Glaswegian, but anyhow...

Crap comedian Paul Tonkinson, famous only for being even shitter than Donna MacPhail on the Sunday Show is dying on his feet at a Freshers Week gig at the QMU in Glasgow. He's only doing a warm-up for Alan Parker - Urban Warrior, but it does seem to be bothering him that his quirky Mancunianisms are just not connecting with this audience.

So he starts racking his brains, trying to find some little thing that might link his act to these people, some connection, some contemporary framework for his material. The neurons in his brain grind together almost audibly as he comes up with it: Glasgow has Subway Trains, and Paul Tonkinson, Ace Comedian has a killer Undergound Joke...

So he starts to lay the foundations:
"So me Grandad was telling me about the Underground train in Glasgow: The Shoogly"

Confused silence from the autitorium.

(FYI - The old Trams in Glasgow were called 'shooglies' as they, er, shoogled about, but they'd been gone for over 40 years and anyway this was a student crowd)

"Come on - What do you guys call your Subway in Glasgow. Is it the 'Shuggly'?"

Again, silence... He's looking rather worried now.

"Come on Guys! The Shooglies. I know you've got then, What do you call your Undergound up here?"

From the back of the hall and with the comic timing so sadly lacking all evening, a lone voice barking gruff Glasgegian breaks the silence:


It was the only decent laugh of the evening and remains the greatest heckle I have ever heard in person.

(When telling this story to non-locals I sometimes change the heckle to: "TUBE! It's the Tube you fucking Tube" to help to explain the pun... Tube/Choob being local venacular for one not blessed with an abundance of intelligence)
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 15:52, Reply)
Every week without fail
I'm a Rochdale fan and we applaud the opposition goalie as he approahes the standing end- or if away our end- the goalie, lulled into a false sense of security, waves back thinking we are being nice and sporting.

Alas no- soon as he waves back we give him loads of abuse and heckle him to death. Usually wanker signs and arrrggghh that type of thing

Great fun- often the highlight of the games sadly
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 15:36, Reply)
Lee Hurst
Front row at Lee Hurst's club in Bethnal green, New years eve i think.

LH to me: "So what do you do mate"
Me (prepared) "I'm a surgeon".
LH (genuinely surprised) "really?
Me "No."

Threw him for a second anyway.

(Does anyone know if he's still alive, I heard he was quite ill).
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 15:30, Reply)
No respect these youngsters
During 'o' levels we had a "study period" spent constructively slouching in the cafeteria doin' nowt. A teach walks purposely through, to stop and admonish us at our laziness. Turning to my mate who is almost horizonal, he says:

"Get your feet off the table"

to which he petulantly says "Why?"

"You wouldn't do that at home"

"Yes I would"

"What does your Mother say?

"You wouldn't do that at school"

Cue teacher striding off like a cat that's pretending it didn't fall off a fence.
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 15:22, Reply)
More from Chubby Brown
One of my friends went to see Chubby at some backwater little club near Goole. (A shithole between Hull and Doncaster) Chubby appears onstage to the usual "you fat bastard" banter and launches into his act. One of the lads who was with my friend got up out of his seat (almost front row) and headed off to the gents. Chubby seized the moment and shouts at the guy "Where the FUCK do you think you're going?"

Bloke replies to Chubby "I'm just off for a shit while I wait for the comedian to start"

The place errupted and Chubby was lost for words. Class!
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 15:00, Reply)

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