Not so much overheard as read:
all the self-satisfied morons on here happily slagging off the supposed stupidity of others while themselves remaining incapable of applying correct spelling, punctuation or grammar to their postings.

/hypocritical
( TV's Nosemonkey, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:29, Reply)

From a blond bimbo in my Science class -
"Does Ireland have a coastline?"
(King In Crimson, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:21, Reply)

i was a bit slow that day..
in car with a mate discussing which hospitals we were born in. He turns round and says "i was born in a womens hospital". I stopped myself halfway through saying "but your a bloke??"...

dont know how i make it through the day sometimes..
(8cidburn, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:21, Reply)

FAO bigmeuprudeboy
The big tower at Canary Wharf is called 'One Canada Square'. So you can tell her next time she asks ;)
( Dekazer, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:20, Reply)

WWWankers
luser at the other end of the phone "Help, I've deleted the internet!"
(Gomi No Sensei, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:20, Reply)

Wall Street Johnnies...
Sat in a bar with a friend just off Wall Street luxuriating in the pleasant surroundings and 25 year old whiskey we were supping. Two be-suited yankees start slapping each other around, shouting quite incoherently. Being the peace-loving man that I am, I help break them apart and enquire as to the problem.

"He thinks London is the capital of England," quoth Johnnie #1.

"Bullshit," quoth the other, "it's a small country in Europe's Eastern-Bloc!"

These people control the wealth of nations...
(monkeyboys like monkeygirls, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:20, Reply)

I was in Glasgow this summer
On the coach, from the harbour from Stranraer to our destination, I overheard someone behind me say the following crackers -

"Where is Glasgow? Is it in Wales?"
"Are we in Scotland yet?" (We got on the coach in Scotland)
"How do you spell Glasgow? Is there a K in it?"

I nearly pissed myself laughing.
(King In Crimson, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:19, Reply)

Drivers wanted
Friend to another friend - "ha ha, your dad drives a vulva!"
(Gomi No Sensei, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:19, Reply)

Airhead
oooh... can't forget the lovely famous Donna Air now, can we?
Donna on interviewing The Corrs: "So how did you all meet then?"
Je-sus
(Milkmelikeacow, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:18, Reply)

..and now for my Mum's sister
My Mum's sister goes into the electrical store where she bought her first microwave with a worried look on her face. Turns out she had taken the protective scratch-proof film off the front door of the said household appliance.

She walks up to the guy behind the counter and says "Excuse me, I think I've radiated my family" and holds up the protective film.

Cue the guy behind the counter going off sharpish to find something in the back of the shop as he can't contain himself.
(declan_m, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:18, Reply)

Girlfriends sister
watching an advertisement 'come to Ireland'

She says 'Why don't they spell it the same as us?' I replied something like 'What Eire?' and she said 'No, like Island'. She went on to argue her case too.
( beefandcheese, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:18, Reply)

Now you've got me started....
My mate recently overheard a fat American tourist at Windsor Castle say to her husband "it's a neat castle but it's a real pity they built it so close to the airport."

It's a bit of a fucking worry really.
( BobbyParadise, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:16, Reply)

women eh?
my colleague atwork is female and an aussie so not likely to be the sharpest tool in the box
in the past she has said:

'whats the big tower at canary wharf called?'

Me: 'my girlfriend cant swim which is silly considering we live on an island'-
Jo: 'what island do you live on?'


'Ameretto is made of cinnamon- im a barmaid I
should know'

'Is singapore in Kuala Lumpar?'

'What does Dinky mean? - I hate that word'

'What does Ad-hoc mean?'

my Girlfriend is also guilty of several crimes:

In Rome: (my girlfriend is of Italian extraction) If Garibaldi was Italian how come his name was Gary?'

'Why dont chickens and turkeys make the same noise?'

'can we go to skegness to see the lochness monster?'

'Is Travelodge named after the family that started them like the Hilton??'
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:15, Reply)

One of my housemates
does the same course as me, does better in exams than me. Yet he manages to come up with the most terrifying questions about everyday life.

One of the most recent and scary ones was when I announced that I was going to put my wages (cash in hand jobs are brilliant) into the bank. He asked

"Do banks actually accept money?"

He had no idea that you could put cash into the bank. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It wouldn't be so bad if only these questions didn't happen so often.
(Root, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:15, Reply)

My Mum again...
Sitting in a car on holiday in America waiting for my dad to come out of the shop and my mum pipes up...

Mum:"You know, that chain of stores is doing really well, they've got branches everywhere."
Me: "What store is that Mum?"
Mum: "(Phonetically) Dee-Lie"
Me: *Sigh* "I think you mean Deli Mum - as in Delicatessen."
(declan_m, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:14, Reply)

Once upon a time...
My friend had a well posh girlfriend once. And just to prove that privilege does not guarantee the besty eductations these are the gems she came out with in the space on one evening.

'I know steak comes from cows but where does beef come from, Beefs?'

'Who won World War 2?'

'Is Paris in France?' upon having this confirmed for her she went on to say ' Cool, where is that then?'

Oh, and to supply you with a few faves from the hanleyisms website I linked to in my earlier post...

'That's a different kettle of fists'

'She's as drunk as a 2-bob note'

'I'm having second regrets'

'Let's smoke some beers'

And the genius that is...

'What's Cockney rhyming slang for Apples and Pears?'
(Plaz, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:14, Reply)

coffee or cash?
A dumb brunette reporter in newsroom to newsdesk:
"The Japanese stock market? That's the Dowe Egberts innit?"
She's now news editor bless her

oh... and for good measure, a la Dead Man Weds this week, she really did think that fax machines didn't work when the paper 'kept coming back out'.
(Milkmelikeacow, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:14, Reply)

Sleet
Several years ago I was on the bus into college. on miserable December morning. The college had a large hairdressers' training school and was inhabited by everyone who didn't qualify for the local nitting courses.

Anyway, there are these two girls at the back and it started sleeting. The conversation between them went something like this:
Hairdresser 1: Oh Look, it's started doing that thing where it rains and snows at the same time
Hairdresset 2: What? Sleeting?
Hairdresser 1: Yeah, but there's a special name for it. It's where it rains and snows at the same time
Hairdresser 2: Yeah, Sleet
Hairdresser 1: NO! There's a special name. It's like when it... like rains and snows at the same time.
Hairdresser 2: Yeah, Sleeting.
Me: It's f*cking Sleeting, now shut up.
(Drodbar, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:09, Reply)

There’s a wonderful world out there
And it makes crazy sense to these people. Maybe they should all move to Loogabarooga (qwghlm – I think this is what it should be called from now on)

Anyway get me a ticket; I want to visit some old acquaintances…

Like the guy in my GCSE biology class who asked if farts smelt bad because they were clean air and we had got so accustomed to pollution that clean air smelt bad (No joke, especially as this guy is now practising as a doctor – 100% of fact I promise)

And the girl from Essex I met in Spain who wanted to know, “right, if this bottle of Bicardi is 40% right? Then which bit is that, right? Is it all 40%.” No love, the alcohol’s 100% and the rest is non-alcoholic.

And the girl on my postgraduate law course who late one afternoon pointed out the moon was especially bright that day until we pointed out she was looking at the sun.
(Scoobs, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:08, Reply)

Yet another American tourist...
describing the highlights of the Louvre:

"Yeah, we saw the Mona-Lisa... And that statue with the arms all bust off"
( dr_fonz, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:04, Reply)

Nude Erections
My mate used to live in Kettering, where apparently the Christian bookshop is called "New Directions". Only it doesn't sound like that when they answer the 'phone....
(teasus likes tea, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:01, Reply)

More Dylan Thomas
I'm reminded by Camel Related Incident's post about the interview with Sharon Stone a magazine (I forget which) did, where Ms Stone said that (like 92% of white middle-class Americans) she was proud of her Irish heritage. From the Guardian website:

Sharon Stone said in a recent interview that she wanted to make her home in Dublin because she loved "all the great Irish writers. Like Dylan Thomas."
( Irregular Shed is trying to remember what it is he does, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:01, Reply)

A fire engine drove by
and my friend's wife asked "Why do they name them all Denis ?"
(Redbull_(UK) pfffft, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:00, Reply)

My wifes not fick
But whilst watching Drugland on BBC2 the other night, she asked how many 1/8's there are in an ounce.

Thank christ she never goes out to score.
(ray bentos, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:58, Reply)

ah yes,
I've just remembered my ex-boss. Lots of twattery from him. Here's my faves:

One time the cleaner had left, and while waiting for a new one, for some reason boss decided to do the hoovering (most unusual).
Everyone was working on moleste files over the network, which at the time was one of those old-fangled BNC cable jobbies where everything had to be joined in a loop. Old Jon decides to disconnect the cable to get past it with the hoover. Cue everyone losing whatever work they were on, and all the computers crashing. what a twerp. I can still hear the groans.

Nuther time, despite always producing good output, he decided that I didn't look like I was doing any work because I often slouch while I'm working on a computer ( all this while he played loud computer games whenever he felt like it - distracting everyone from their work). So he made me write down everything I did for the next couple of weeks. Didn't he look stupid when it turned out I was working faster than anyone else in the company. "Ha!" I wanted to say, "shove that up your arse". But I was satisfied with just a small smug grin.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:58, Reply)

A colleague of mine
Somewhat narrow of mind and a Daily Mail reader to boot came up with this gem during the whole David Blunkett fiasco. Upon mentioning that at least the Tories ministers had the decency to resign when they were caught banging someone elses missus and expressing the opinion that he should do the same, she replied with "He's no good for the job anyway, he's blind!"

Have the Daily Mail been campaigning against blind people recently, blaming them for the moral decay of our society?
(Freakish, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:57, Reply)

jokers!!
on a recent trip to barcelona (the crusty capital of the world)i over heard a few english slags out in a shop queing to pay for some clothes. at the counter there were decks of cards for sale, which one of them picked up.
"shall i buy a pack of cards for playing back in hotel" she barked to her friend before pausing and studying the packet " ooh, i wonder if they're in English"!!!
Moronic!
(jimpleton, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:57, Reply)

How can they possibly
go ahead with the Paris-Dakar Rally after the dreadful events in Asia?

I suppose they weren't too badly affected, Bangladesh isn't even on the coast.

OMG I have to work with these people.

Many years ago, one of my flatmates decided to have a dinner party and invited, amongst others, myself and my then girlfriend. I reminded her that my GF was vegetarian. "That's OK, I was going to do a fish pie." "No, she's vegetarian, she doesn't eat fish." "Fish isn't meat".
(SpittyWoonerism, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:54, Reply)

cheeses of nazzareth.
Theres a pizza delivery place around the corner from where I live called 'Wood Oven Pizza', some evil marketing genius/utter witless chump, in the interests of vernacular circumlocution no doubt, decided to abbreviate their moniker to an acronym, in much the same fashion as kentucky fried chicken is now KFC... so we now have WOP. They deliver in north west london area if anyones interested. Aaah I laughed till I stopped.
(hotpiss is very much liking your popping musics, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:49, Reply)

English lesson a few months ago
We were doing about a poem called Half-caste by John Agard, and a girl called Kelly announced that she wished she was half-caste. Then she wouldn't need to go on the sunbeds all the time, she'd have a permanent tan...
( Kittenpants, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 15:48, Reply)