oo oo ooo
"Prop your back door wide open, I'm just gonna shove some big stuff into the cave!"
(Ryuken-Kai, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:17, Reply)

This is my area of expertise!
In fact, only today I had to have a chuckle when the squarest man I've ever met asked me 'how do you take it?'. This was closely followed by 'Oh don't worry, you should see how my wife gives it to me sometimes.' He didn't even notice! Silly man.

Oh, we were making tea and coffe btw.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:17, Reply)

A sweet sweet friend.
Bless her, she doesn't know what she says. I was walking a few paces in front of her and she decides to hit me in the bum with her knee.

"And what do you think you're doing eh?"
She pipes up: "I kneed you in the arse!"

Bless.
(MunchMyBalloons, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:15, Reply)

too many to list them all...
so here's some selected highlights.

Having sunday lunch out with some mates, during the obligatory fag break, this time involving dirty rollies made using liqorice papers:

John: "Where did Joy go?"
Matt: She went to have a brown cigarette."

Doing a photography project that involved shooting half-naked, greased up men in a kind of 'Mr Universe' style:

John: What kind of grease shall we use?
Me: Whatever grease they use, baby
oil I suppose...
John: Hehe, heh... "Whatever grease they use, baby"! Wooooooooo!

Enjoying a PSX renaissance with Spyro the Dragon:

Lydia: "Where do I go now?"
John: You go up the brown tunnel..."

Dawson (gay housemate)'s boyfriend Glen asking what was on TV:

Abbie: I'm just watching Dawson's Creek.
Glen: Yeah, I've been watching that all morning too ...

Our wireless network in the house is called "YOUR MUM" and shows up as such on people's computers, leading to much childish hilarity:

"Ah crap, your mum's gone down on me again!"

"I'll connect to your mum, wooo."

"don't use bittorrent on the laptop, it uses too much bandwidth for the wireless network to work."
"so...what you're saying is... my torrent is too wide for... your mum??"

(not really innuendo, just talking pure bollocks) Leon getting horribly pissed, sitting on the settee and giggling at the shopping channel:

Barry: Do you need to call someone on the porcelain telephone?
Leon: Only if you help me dial.

Watching TV with Ali (aka chemical Ali, colonical Ali, back Ali, etc...)

TV: this new rim block gets your toilet so clean that blah blah blah...
Ali: hehe...heh..hehehe.... (giggles til he realises what was so funny about the advert:
RIMBLOCK! HAAHAAAAAAHAHAHA! WOOOO!

In Lucy's flat while she prepares to put some clothes in the washing machine:

Lucy: Hmm, I need to do a dark load....
(Ryuken-Kai, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:14, Reply)

Not me honest
Why do these aways start, It wasn't me but a (Mate, colleague, spouse, sibling etc)

A comment to an old lady by my wife, referring to number 1 daughter who being two at the time had the usual small childs obsession with a small cuddly toy. In this case a cuddly character first realised by AA Milne.
Yep Winnie the Pooh.

The phrase "she loves playing with her Pooh", was meant in all innocence, but even the most innocent old lady even if one of those fictional beasts exists***, does take a double take when hearing it.

You can guess the rest







***No little old Lady, no matter what they like to say is innocent. The Darby and Joan club in any major connurbation is feared by even the local Hells Angels chapter as being a little too racy even for them. Saga holidays are even worse, outdoing the Ibeza excesses of a club 18-30 package deal
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:07, Reply)

just today...
...my boss saw that I'd bought one of those new Creme Egg Twister bars.

She picked it up and started playing with it - trying to ascertain the shape within, through the wrapper.

Finally she said 'ooh I better stop fingering it, or it'll get all moist and sticky'.

Fnarr fnarr....
( gunkyfibbon ...acting his shoe size, not his age, since, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:05, Reply)

Sorry Mum
When I got my first Jag, many years ago, I excitedly dragged my parents outside to show them the great deal I had procured.

"Look, there's even some brand new piss-flaps in the boot"

I meant, of course, to say "mud flaps".

My Dad even rushed to the boot to have a look!
(Rsoles, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 21:00, 4 replies)

You know them weird smelly bath capsule things, like rubbery on the outside with stuff in the middle...
While at a friends house for a kind of movie night thing my mate went to the shitter.

Upon his return he brought with him a box of "them weird smelly bath capsule things, like rubbery on the outside with liquidy stuff in the middle." They were cherry shaped and cherry scented.

He took one out of the box and said "Oh man, i love these things." He then squeezed it until it popped, expelling its liquid.

This then caused the female host to yell
"You popped my cherry!"
Hilarity ensued, as did embarrasment.
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:59, 2 replies)

Livening up the office.
When discussing lift ettiquette, one lady at work said, quite innocently.

"You know what I hate, when a bloke comes right in my face."


Different lady, and this time a discussion about the relative safety of drivers.

"I don't know how safe most women drivers are, but it was a MAN that rammed me up the backside."
( Thrill_My_Chinchilla is old and unimproved, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:58, Reply)

Two friends of mine
Were moving into buildings behind each other.

...


Apparently that's the only reason they needed to become back door buddies.
(Sco smokes crack often., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:54, Reply)

Cheshire innuendo
A buddy of mine, Ashley, he’s a nice bloke but…

He used to work at one of the swanky halls in Cheshire, serving dinner in one of the restaurants. Anywhoo. One evening, there is a big corporate dinner being held and Ash is serving the dinners. He tried to pass one of the plates of food to one of the guests, but one young lady was sitting there chatting as he tried to do so. I guess he meant to say, “ Excuse me, could you just move forward a little so can pass this to your friend ? “, what he actually said was “ Do you mind if I just come over your head ? “. Ash stands there mortified and goes bright red but the table erupted with laughter...and...apparently, he got a big tip at the end of the evening from the folks at the table. Quality !
(brucekitty, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:48, 1 reply)

Another person I know of
Once declared joyfully, after eating something evidentally tasty, 'It's like having an orgasm in my mouth!'

I never did find out whether it was something creamy...
(Impuritan, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:47, Reply)

Quack quack oops
I went to the doctors the other week and was standing behind some bewildered old boy who was looking for a repeat prescription.
The receptionist was talking in her best really-loud-and-patronising voice and told the old chap (and the rest of the waiting room)

"Don't worry about it Mr Smith, I'll just pull you off here", as she pointed at the prescription printer.

At this, I buckled with laughter, but no-one else even smirked. Silence from everyone else, receptionist gaping, me in tears.
Getting myself under control, I booked in and went and sat down, right opposite a kindly, but frail, old lady.
She looked up from her 4 yr old copy of Heat magazine, gave me a big smile, tutted and said, "Dirty boy".

I call that "vindication".
(Rsoles, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:46, Reply)

Seven years old,
lunchtime at primary school, sat around the table with five of my classmates. I'd just had a very nice bowl of chocolate sponge pudding and chocolate custard, when I fancied seconds.

"Who's for secs"? I asked. Oh dear.
(Straightbane is useful! I'm having a wonderful time!, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:46, Reply)

Mate boasting about a friend gettting him into the student union for free
"She let me in up the back entrance for nothing"
(lolwhites, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:44, Reply)

Walking to sit with my mates at lunch
Happily as I could be at 14, I wandered over to our usual bench, we'd managed to pick out, and keep (We had that bench throughout our school lives).

I caught the end of a story being told by someone we shall call Alex, for that is his name.

After walking over to find out what they were up to I'm greeted to hearing, "There was juice EVERYWHERE".

I had to walk off after that, I almost pissed myself laughing, and none of them could figure out what was so funny about someone spilling 2 litres of orange juice out of a carton....
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:40, Reply)

Chemistry class, a few years ago.
I was talking to my friend across the desk, and just at the moment our conversation lulled somewhat I hear, to my left;

"It hurts your arse, but it's worth it."

After much mockery it later transpired the perpetrator was talking about snowboarding, but, naturally, we never let him live it down and it henceforth become his second name.
( zoldergoose, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:37, Reply)

MSN conversation just now with a friend about biscuits.
Her: "I can never say no to ginger nuts"
(Pretty strangers and promises, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:35, Reply)

Olympics a few years ago.....
commentator during the female weight lifting -

"if you liked that clean & jerk, wait till you see her snatch"
(Lionel Tiger, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:30, Reply)

First post!
Yes!
[All posts made before this will be ignored for the purposes of my sanity]

A quick story:

I work in a furniture factory, in the office.
I was sitting at my desk the other day, happily b3ta-ing away, when a couple of the machine supervisors came in. To avoid using letters, I shall call them Tim and Bob.

Tim: ... Look, I've told you before, you can't just go screwing into my holes. For fucks sake, ask me, and I'll give you as many holes as you want.

Bob: You're never paying attention. I thought if I started screwing, you'd notice soon enough.
And at any rate, your holes were too big, my bit kept slipping.

Kaol: *makes gurgling noises as an entire cup of tea finds its burning way into his lungs*
( Cawl, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:29, 7 replies)

Not me, but a friend...
Who is a cellist, and a rather innocent individual, once broke a string during a practice session with her orchestra and exclaimed, 'I've snapped my G-string!' Took her a while to figure out why her comrades were giggling.
(Impuritan, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:29, 1 reply)

Playing swingball..
with a friend of mine with little to no judgement of force. A few swings in I've nearly been hit in the face twice by the wayward bastard. I loudly proclaim:

'If this comes in my face again I'll 'ave you!'

Oops. Two for one though, bargain.
(HellHathFury Christ on his pushbike, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:26, 1 reply)

Not really innuendo. Racism at it's worst, but I paid for it
I was at a bike rally, the organisers had a tug of war competition, being of large stature (pleasantly portly) it was requested of me, that I be the anchor man (you know the big one at the back with the rope wrapped several times around him) We took up the slack and the gun was fired. The rope became as tight as the grip a Scotsman would make on a wayward two bob (10p in new money). After much straining,double ruptures,hernias,and stalemate I thought what can I say to move things along a bit? (after all my beer was warming up and time was getting on) So I said (and I am not proud,and it was not clever) COME ON YOU FUCKERS PULL IT LIKE YOU'RE PULLING A NIGGER OF YER SISTER. At that several of my chums fell down with laughter and I was catapulted over the bushes and landed in a pile of steaming cowshit....
(bluemohawkz eating nine types of industrial pollution since, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:25, 2 replies)

M+W say...
Should I just get my cock out?
(Shameless, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:20, Reply)

A friend of mine
once accused her twin sister of being erotic instead of neurotic.
( Roxy_Hart is so so old, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:13, Reply)

Oh yes I had wood
After carrying some fence posts around in my car during a rare spot of DIYing and not bothering to clean up the splinters they left, I was asked by a girl at work who accepted a lift to the pub one lunchtime whether I had had wood in the back seat of my car at the weekend
(twink, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:12, Reply)

Innuendo containing chemicals
Firstly let me set the scene. I work in a hospital lab, i was making up some solutions when one of my colleague's was looking for acetone, however she found it before she could finish her question. This resulted in her asking...
"Do You have some ass"

to which i replied

"Yes I do have some ass"

Childish i know, but impossible to ignore

(Hooray that was my 1st QOTW answer)
(the welcan monkey Forgot what I came in for, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:11, 1 reply)

I thought
an innuendo was an Italian suppository - until I discovered Rohypnol...
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:09, Reply)

Sigh
Ex GF K's family and elderly neighbour around the table for tea, ex gf was a very keen swimmer.

"So Lord S, will K be impressed with your swimming"
"only if she appreciates doggy style..... paddle, paddle, only if she likes doggy paddle"

Stunned silence, red face, classic.

I smell BS on most of these answers, however, this did happen
( lordsaccharine b3taing is well retro mate, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 20:06, Reply)