At a Conference
Me and another bloke were standing chatting with a fairly large group of women. The other bloke went off to the bar and conversation turned - for reasons that escape me - to "sour" sweets. One lady piped up to decribe her experiences with Scandinavian ammonia sweets (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salty_liquorice). The guy came back with a trayful of beer just in time to here a woman utter the immortal line ...

".. and it's got a very salty aftertaste."
(MattDP (Squiggle), Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:57, 3 replies)

San Francisco bar
I arrived in San Francisco, my first trip to the US, and met my client in the hotel. She and I swiftly located a bar. Observing the smoking supplies racked behind the bartender, I then loudly exclaimed "God, the fags in here are cheap!"
(enile, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:56, 1 reply)

A program I use at my office
is called the Probation Information System....better known as PIS. And yes, everyone does call it the 'piss system'.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:50, 5 replies)

Not exactly on topic
but near enough.

I used to go out with a girl (Sally) who's Mother had a sometimes embarrassing, sometimes hilarious way of mangling the spoken word; specifically, on this occasion, a euphemism.

This was early on... second or third date with Sally, I think. She was having trouble deciding what to wear and left me with Mum to make awkward conversation, appearing every few minutes with a different outfit on. Having failed to receive the enthusiastic and unequivocal approval of both her Mum and me, she went completely tonto and screamed her way upstairs. An early warning signal... but I digress.

Her Mum and me sat in a heavy silence after Sally's outburst until the old dear leaned towards me conspiratorially and said in a hushed voice,

"Sorry about that, she's got the builders in."

"Err... what?"

Mum stuffs the sleeve of her cardigan into her mouth... "no - the decorators!" she gasped, "don't tell her I said that!"

I couldn't stop laughing all evening, which was awkward 'cos we went to see Schindler's List*.

*This bit for comic effect.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:47, Reply)

The Sex List
This is pretty crap really.

I do software support, and without going into details one of our products uses something called a 'Set List'.

Just the other day I was on the phone to a customer...

"OK, so click on that. You should see the 'Sex List' window. Oh, erm, 'Set List'."

Not too bad really, but I do it almost every week.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:42, Reply)

parental pride
As an over enthusiastic 13 year old wannabe indie kid who'd just discovered T-Rex, I once spent a long bus ride noisily telling my dad all about how Oasis had basically covered a T-Rex classic. I really went to town on it, showing off and shouting about how the songs were really similar, both really rock n roll and anti-establishment, I must have pissed off the whole bus load of grannies patiently making their way to bingo as I got a lot of filthy looks

It was only when we'd disembarked that my dad quietly informed me that the song was called Get it ON, not Get it UP as I'd been screaming at the top of my posh little voice.
(octopuspie, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:39, Reply)

On the bar....
"There's your lager...your gin and tonic...bitter...and I'll just go grab your nuts."
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:37, Reply)

Hot wifeswapping action
Is probably not what one of my best pals meant.

He and his Missus had just moved into a lovely terraced cottage in a picturesque Yorkshire village, and I'd popped in to see the new pad.

In the general flow of conversation I posed the perfectly reasonable question, "how are the neighbours?"

His reply: "Very nice both ways" made me blow snot all over the window.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:30, 1 reply)

Many years ago I lived in South Africa and there was a tent company that had large trucks that drove around delivering (presumably folded up) marquee tents. The (did I mention large?) trucks drove innocently around the streets of Johannesburg with the words “for the best erections in town” written on their sides in large letters.
(advokilt, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:25, Reply)

Doctor Whoops!
My username obviously gives a clue to a particular obsession of mine. The programme in question has provided a few innuendos over the years. Here’s a few, including one that was changed in the script at the last minute and so was never actually broadcast. But it would have been fun if they’d managed to slip it in.

Arf

Jamie (on seeing a space station on the TARDIS viewer screen): “Look at the size of that thing, Doctor”.
Doctor: “Yes Jamie, it is a big one”.

Doctor (having just managed to steer a space station out of planetary collision): “I think, therefore we missed”.
Sarah (realising that there’s a missile on their tail): “Yes, but we’re still heading for the biggest bang in history”.

Peri: “Where are you going, Doctor”?
Doctor: “Won’t be long. I’m just going to take a scout round the back”.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:23, 7 replies)

Not chish & fips!
A few years ago when I was living in Sarf Wimbledon I went into my local chippy and asked for a pie and chips. The woman serving replied (in a half Italian half cockney accent) "We have run out of pies, but we gotta the lovely rock and the lovely cod!"

This was fine until she repeated the last bit with a wonderful spoonerism "A lovely cock and a lovely rod!"
( Vambo, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:18, Reply)

There's a rather attractive trainee
we have here at work. She complained of not having any smokes. "I'll give you one" I say. I only think of it as innuendo in regard to the QOTW...but I tell ya, I wouldn't mind giving her one.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:18, Reply)

The cute girl in HR.
I work in IT.
The cute girl in HR Forwarded me an email regarding medication to increase ones penis size.

What was she trying to tell me?
Should I be concerned or offended?
(Miggyman, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:15, 6 replies)

my job is dull, this really was the highlight of my day
In one of those online tech support chats with Dell only yesterday..


Agent (Kaushik_Nath): "I see that your computer is indeed an Inspiron 630M, shipped originally with Windows XP Professional."

Agent (Kaushik_Nath): "Do you have the computer which is in question next to you at the moment, Jennifer?"

Jennifer: "I do indeed"

**slight pause**

Agent (Kaushik_Nath): "I apologize for the delay in my response due to a slight tool error at my end."

Jennifer: "I hope your tool is performing properly now"

Agent (Kaushik_Nath): "Yes. It is all fine now. Thank you."

Ha ha ha ha.
(niftyshellsuit, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:10, 2 replies)

milky misadventure
I was about 13. I was unwell. I was off school and enjoying a tasty dairy snack in front of the TV when my chest was racked with convulsions, prompting me to loudly inform my mother that I'd coughed my yoghurt over her rug.

I believed her to have been mocking my sickness until I was 20.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:00, Reply)

Im a bit too young...
But in the old day of unix terminals. There was a FINGER command.

I so wanted to say to a nice lady who would be using one: "OK Im fingering you now! Ooh I can ping you baby!"
(Miggyman, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 16:00, Reply)

Toss Elmo
ahh the good old Tickle Me Elmo... "Toss Elmo" it would scream to my delight.

Working in a petshop as a grotty young teen, the elderly owners put their prize cat toys dubbed "Pussy Ticklers" at the front of the shop - used to crack me up.

Moving on to being an IT guy, some problems are easy as hell to fix remotely but I would sometimes go up their their desks to get away from moronic boss/get a glimpse of the girl in account's norks... alot of time time after fixing you'd get "wow that would quick!" to which I would sharply reply "I've heard that before!" (yes, I am THAT funny)

Length? Is Elmo even a dude?
(wicks, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:53, Reply)

In an office I worked in many moons ago, we had a Henry hoover. For those not in the know, this is a little red industrial hoover with a face on it and a long hose where the nose is. Cheeky little hoover. Anyway, we also had a bigger hoover in blue which also had a face, I think it might have been a George, who knows, we called it big Henry.

Little Henry was a bit rubbish really, his vacuum power was crap, and we only used him for 'light' hoovering tasks. Big Henry was the daddy of hoovering, but he'd been suffering the same fate, albeit intermittently. Bloody Henry hoover design flaw.

Anyway, some posh rich types who owned some part of the company came to visit our little sub branch one day to pretend they give a crap. Sadly the office cleaner, dippy Helen, chose the moment they entered the room to scream like a banshee with the clap 'BIG HENRY, HE SUCKS, DON'T HE?'

...one of the posh types was called Henry, and he was a rather portly man.

We bought a Dyson.
(Northern Lovely, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:49, 3 replies)

Stiffy Shed
I was about twelve and had been dragged to look at sheds with my dad. While he was discussing payment, the salesman asks “would you like an erection?” to which my dad replied “yes it will be easier for you to erect it than me”

By this point I was giggling so loudly that my dad made me stand outside, it may just have been my 12 year old self because neither my dad or the salesman found it remotely funny.
(Claxon_Beverage, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:33, 3 replies)

Imagine
I was visiting my friends farm the other day, he's a poultry farmer. Unfortunately theres been an outbreak of some kind of mild chicken flu or something medical, and he's had to cull a lot of the flock, its actually been quite upsetting. He asked me round to help out with the clean up.

The process is a little gruesome, but basically involves putting the corpses in a kind of well, a little grave for chickens really. We then spread a kind of manure on them, and they rot down. As I said, not pleasant. We actually filled one of the pits but had one chicken left - my mate said, "here coke, help me ram this cock hard into my gaping shit hole" but without realising it. It was hilarious. But then we thought, well, you know, dead chickens and we started to feel, like, bad.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:15, 2 replies)

My first sleep over....
After staying the night at a friends house my mum came to collect me and the following conversation ensued:

My Mum: Did you have a nice time with James?
Me: S'alright...
My Mum: Well, what do you say?
Me: Thanks for having me Mr. S
Mr: Wahey, ooooh naughty naughty pardon!?!?!?!

My mum and Mr. S thought it was very funny indeed and I have only just this minute got the joke!
(aroe_m0rre, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:13, Reply)

Working at an SMS company, upgrading their website
I've almost finished the bulk of the work on Friday afternoon so I tell the girl I'm working with as much. She replies: "Well upload what you've done, and on Monday we can do all the little anal things together."

She had no idea why I was absolutely pissing myself, and I had to explain it. Things were a bit frosty after that.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:10, Reply)

Car
Whilst driving the other day I was rummaging in the glove compartment, trying to find Queens Greatest Hits II, grabbing blindly, I thought I had it, only to find that on playing, that it was actually one of their more recent albums.

(Contrary to what Terry Prachett thinks, not all albums turn in to QGH II)
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:10, 3 replies)

my elderly grandma has a cat,
which she refers to as 'her pussy'.

We all found it hard not to laugh when she said she was spending the afternoon "fuck shit wank toss arsehole".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:09, 3 replies)

Not so rude, as just silly
I work with voice recognition software, which generates a few giggles now and then as it misinterprets words...I've seen an email signed off with 'rear guards' instead of regards

Most recently, I saw a sick note written up using voice recognition, explaining why an employee wouldn't be in work for the next few days - apparently they'd been given a 'lumbar puncher'. This was a note from their doc, mind

*ouch*
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:09, Reply)

Spoonerism to boot
Whilst carrying a 60 lb box of CD's to a used music shop on an icy street in Winnipeg, my friend and I were both twisted uncomfortably as we skittered along, crablike.

"This is driving my nuts back" he said, meaning to say his back nuts.

It made carrying it that much worse.
(TommyShanks, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 15:08, Reply)