Hairy
I've forgotten the amount of times I've gone into hairdressers and asked for a cut and blow job.
(tiddlywink, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 19:05, 1 reply)

Hire Shop trouble
I replaced my garden's crappy grass with false plastic stuff, this involved digging the old crap up, then laying 6" of sharp sand which then had to be compressed. To do this I needed a 'whacker plate', which involved going into the Hire Shop and asking the 7foot tall Arnie behind the counter if I could have a twelve inch whacker for the weekend. Yes he found it funny and so did the 20 builders in his shop. Never again
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 18:33, Reply)

Antique Tackle
Two things you need to know 1. My dad collects antique fishing er equipment (rods and reels)2. The women in my family are famed for not having a sense of humour.

email from Mum with ends : "...Your dad has been collecting more antique fishing tackle and I have been finding it very interesting"

response from me: "That's nice mum, I'm glad that you've been finding Dad's antique tackle interesting it shows that there is still a spark of romance left in your marriage."

My dad is the one who picks up the email. He thinks it's so funny, he shows it to the builder, the postman, the dog who all think it's extremely funny. Then to my mum who goes "oh yes, that's nice" (whooshing noise as joke goes over her head).

Two days later mum collapses in fits of giggles. "I've just got it!" she says
(Nitrous Nitrous, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 18:13, 1 reply)

Antipodean soap-based innuendo...
Not convinced this was exactly accidental but...

A few years ago now, watching 'Home and Away'. One of the older characters has fallen over and hit her head. After a few moments contributing to another subplot, the Doctor turns to her and utters the immortal line, "Now, I'll just have a look at that nasty gash of yours, Irene, and you can be on your way..."

I don't think we stopped laughing til 'Neighbours', half an hour later...
(MrsP, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 17:28, Reply)

Dexter's lab
Last night i was watching some dexter's lab, ( i get urges to watch cartoons now and again, go figure), and in the ep i as watching Dexter and his sister were playing games.

The game in question was called "Hungry Hungry Rhino's" and Dexter went about explaining the rules then uttered the phrase "The player to gobble the most balls wins"

*giggle*
(panda_sam, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 17:07, Reply)

milk
Belle says:
lol
man milk is good
oh god
O'Malley the Alley Cat says:
haha
Belle says:
I meant man, milk is good
Grass:from the diary of a snail says:
hHaha
suuure
O'Malley the Alley Cat says:
lmfao

):
*pop*
(Nocashvalue, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 17:05, Reply)

I work for a PDA repair company
and daily I ask customers what type of units they have.
Sometimes I have to ask them what size jack they have on their unit.

It always makes the techs giggle because it sounds so rude coming from a female with an English accent.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 17:00, 3 replies)

Front bottom error
After working a particularly and tiresome late night shift at work, I dragged my bedraggled self into work around 11am to do some tinkering with wiring and things.

Upon entering the office, my mumsy mother of two general manager said "Morning Ed, would you like some pussy?"

Turns out her cat had just had kittens and she was selling them.
(PagettyPol something something something, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 15:58, Reply)

360
when i first heard the so called 'red ring of death' i gigled for hours like a school girl on crack.
(PaulGadd -, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 15:17, 1 reply)

aT THE aIRPORT
This happened a coupla years ago when TSA first took over Kansas City international Airport.
They had just started enforcing the "no Coats" rule where all outer garment have to go through the X-Ray Machine.
They had a Screener out front giving advisements and blithely announcing to a group of young ladies,
"Jacket off. Jacket off. Jacket off, Ma'am. Jacket off."
(Say it out loud and fast!)
(FeMonky, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 15:06, 3 replies)

If Mrs Slocombe had a dog
Back in my journalism days I was working for a local newspaper in South West London. We got a call about an elderly woman who had accidentally backed her car into the Thames.

The report came from a group of onlookers who had witnessed the incident from a nearby pub. Supposedly, the woman was more worried about the fate of her unfortuantely-named dog who was in the car with her and was overheard to shout: "Help me! My Fanny is getting wet!!"



(Unfortunately, once the story was published we got a call from the woman in question a few days later demanding an apology be printed. Her dog's name was in fact something very dull like 'Charlie' and she claims she had probably shouted 'It's not funny, I'm getting wet' due to the fact that the pub-goers were pissing themselves laughing at her misfortune. Luckily, as the fanny line had appeared in the story as a direct quote, no apology was printed.)
(Chexworth will one day make Yoko Matsugane his bride..., Sat 14 Jun 2008, 15:01, Reply)

My mother is queen of innuendo
But first an appetiser:

Fit female housemate at Uni is lying face down on the sofa watching tele, idly playing with one of the rings on her fingers. She drops a ring down the back of the sofa as I walk into the living room and, still face down with arse towards me, she arches my way and says "can you see my ring?"

My mother's pride:

At dinner with new daughter-in-law to be, during the BSE crisis, my mum is discussing the fact that it's difficult to get meat products in the South East. As twin brother and daughter-in-law to be lived oop north at the time, my mother is intrigued about whether they are having the same problem, so she says "Holly, are you having problems getting meat up your end?"
(chrislunch, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 14:48, Reply)

Does anyone REALLY still use
the word "pussy" when referring to a/their cat??? The ammount of stories on here using it is mental. I've never used it, never heard anyone use it unless it was intentional.

Maybe I'm just sheltered?
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 14:47, 5 replies)

My mate's wedding
Things that should not be said by the registrar:

"Is her ring a bit tight? Just try slipping it over the knuckle..."
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Sat 14 Jun 2008, 14:39, Reply)

Fnarrr!
I once asked a friend how come she supported Aston Villa?- her reply was
"My bofriend used to take me up the Holt end"
( frogdoctor learning the hard way since 1972., Sat 14 Jun 2008, 14:33, Reply)

nuts...
i'm a call centre monkey for a well known breakdown company.

me: how can i help you?
customer: i cant get my nuts off...
me: (snigger)
customer: wheel nuts, i mean (snigger)

by this point we are both laughing out loud, where i advise i can only send a male patrol to help him with getting his nuts off, as we don't really have female ones!

much amusement was had by both! :)
(VodkaMargarine When there is no Brandy Butter..., Sat 14 Jun 2008, 13:57, Reply)

Who's got the Horn?!
On Thursday me and a friend were in a Beefeater, ordering dessert, when we noticed on the menu a lovely looking fruit pudding called 'THE HORN OF PLENTY'. This led to about 10 minuites of screaming and crying with laughter, cue table next to us complaining and moving to the other side of the room to finish their meal.
Naturally I had to order it - I managed to get as far as 'I'll have the horn...' before erupting in uncontrollable lolz. She didn't get it....just stared at me blankly. Misrable cow.
(Strangemiester, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 13:33, 1 reply)

Untapped goodness...
As a telephone monkey in the bookies call centre world, I should have immediately thought of all the sport based innuendo. Lets go through by sport:

Tennis:
New balls please
Well executed lob (on)
Held to love

Cricket:
Feathering one down fine leg
Knocking off the middle stump
Pitching into the rough
THE GOOGLY
Entering the crease

Horse Racing:
Parading about in the ring
Won by a head/Just getting its head in front
Coming from behind with a late surge
sod it - "Riding" a horse (snigger)

Football:
Good in the box
Strong tackle (optional - from behind)
Pulled his groin (again - snigger)
Pulled out the tackle

Golf:
Shanked one into the rough
"GET IN THE HOOOLLLEE"
Playing a firm wedge in the bunker

I'm sure there's lots more out there, feel free to add your own!
(bacontrout got ska, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 13:33, 4 replies)

A friend of mine a couple of years back
He was having a discussion about ATM machines and charges made by some of them. He came out with this gem:

"If you put it in the wrong hole, they charge you extra..."

We made a whole book of these.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 13:28, 1 reply)

Just before Christmas last year...
...I was in one of those DIY teddy bear factory type shops, buying a stuffed monkey for Mrs Strings.

Anyway, I chose the skin of it and went to get it stuffed.
You get the joy of stepping on the pedal to start blowing the stuffing down this tube and into the teddyskin held by a nice young lady.

First step is to get a little heart for it out of a bucket on the side of the machine. So I stepped forward to retrieve such heart. As I did, I accidentally stepped on the pedal, the tube proceeded to spray white fluff all over this poor woman.

As she was picking it out of her nose and mouth, all I could think to say at that moment was...
"I'm sorry, That's never happened to me before!"

Cue my mate pissing herself and telling me that I'm a bad man!!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 12:56, Reply)

Said the actress to the bishop.. .. ..
I employ a bloke called Dave (not his real name but, surprisingly, the name by which everyone knows him) who is a constant source of innuendo. Only 10 mins ago he came out with this gem while discussing sharing his coursework assignments with one of his friends.

"I give him one and then he lets me see one he's just done."
(manwiddicombe is thinking of something witty to add here, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 12:52, Reply)

While at the house of a fellow b3tan this wonderfully inappropriate gem was uttered...
He's putting one of his kids to bed, we say good night to her... and she suddenly realises she's left her favourite toy downstairs and wants it in bed with her. It's called Lucky.

"I WANT TO GO DOWN AND GET LUCKY... DADDY!!! I WANT TO GO DOWN AND GET LUCKY!"

I nearly fell down the stairs laughing :D
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 12:40, Reply)

Putting the finger
Many of you know about the Unix command 'finger', for getting info about a user, and I'm sure you all sniggered as much as we did about 'fingering' fellow students.
Now we had one post-grad who took offense to all this immature innuendo, so he insisted that in his pracs we'd refer to it as 'putting our finger on someone'. There was an overall reduction in sniggerage until I walked in one day.
ShowPony: "Has anyone seen Dave?"
PostGrad: "I put my finger up him a few minutes ago and..."

Sniggering resumed at previous levels.
(ShowPony, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 12:38, Reply)

My Aunt
When sent out for DIY supplies by my uncle walked into Homebase and said to the assistant "My husband says I need a really long screw"
(Charlietron Still can't think of anything witty to put here, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 12:21, Reply)

What a brill QOTW.
Childish and silly.

So am I, therefore I feel I should contribute.

These are all 100% true and if they were said to someone with a maturity level higher than mine, they'd would have prob been instantly forgotten.

Translations first, then the unfortunate innuendos that resulted in conversation.



1. Elizabeth has skills that are of great use to this company in the accounting department.

2. Mid-morning, my co-workers and I enjoy a healthy snack on site, sitting next to the large transistor.

3. I asked the motorist for a light for my cigarette. He didn't smoke and it was a new car so he didn't know if the lighter worked, he tried it and fortunately, it did!.

4. I'd be glad to show you around the theatre-land area of London in which I work.

5. Behave or I shall attack you with this corkscrew I am holding.

6. Due to the dimensions of this removal van, and the contents within, only one of us three chaps will be able to fit at the back of this washing machine and lift, giving the required leverage to move it.

7. Ladies are obviously attracted to the element of risk and excitement offered by a man who rides a motorcycle. I enjoy stolling about town with my protective clothing and headwear.

8. I displayed the symbol of our engagement to my proud parent. Unfortunately, it was too small for her.



OK, read them? Make sense? All innocent enough, right?

WHAT WAS ACTUALLY SAID:



1. "Liz is great at double entry"

2. "About 11am, me and the fellas sit around the Big Tranny and have a fruit break"

3. "I leant through his car window and when he sat back it popped out all red and hot."

4. "I'll take you up the Shaftesbury"
(Actually said by my brother, possibly intentionally)

5. "Stop it or I'll come over there and screw your brains out"
(Said by my maths teacher whilst holding a corkscrew, for some reason. Being quite attractive I just looked at her trying to do my best, suave Roger-Moore-like single raised eyebrow of promise in reply. Being a 14yr old gangly spacker, it didn't work.)

6. "I don't mind taking it from behind..."
(Nearly died. Fell in the road laughing and nearly had my head run over.)

7. "I love the image. All the girls check me out when I walk down the High Street wearing my leather and holding my helmet.

8. "My mum tried to get her finger in my ring, but it was too tight."



That'll do for now.
Ta.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 12:19, 6 replies)

Apparently we have the same...
I was talking to a girl the other day who works in a pub my older brother frequents. We were going the same way home, just talking, when she says "Oh, you're Ben's brother aren't you?", to which I reply "Yeah". She promptly comes out with "I should have recognised you, you have the same knob!"

Stunned looks all round. Turns out she meant to say "nod", which is a pretty strange thing to say anyway.
(Josh04, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 12:11, Reply)

Off topic
but because I'm so nice to you all...

www.firebox.com/index.html?dir=partners&action=gadgetshow1

Enjoy
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 11:56, 8 replies)

Duke of Edinburgh
Whilst doing Duke of Edinburgh Silver practice expedition, one girl in my group's camel bag burst open, spilling the contents everywhere.

She then shreiked for all to hear 'My water's just broke!'

The rest of us couldn't keep a straight face. She was quite upset. Ho-hum.
(General_Manchego, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 11:42, Reply)

Peppa Pig


this is a genuine kids cartoon on channel 5 no less!
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Sat 14 Jun 2008, 11:15, Reply)