more a witty exchange really
during the summer i was working in a factory to support my cider habit before i went back to university and the government starts paying for me to drink again

anyway....

i was sealing up some boxes when one of my co workers pops his head round a corner and says

"rob wants to know why you havn't finished that yet"

me: "because robs a wanker"
rob: "i hope your balls fall off"
me: "may you have your hands cut off and then get an itchy arse hole"

he just laughed and said he liked that one

Edit: i once lived with someone who would always say "your mums got a big hand and she shops at aldi"
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 16:14, Reply)

On the way to school on a snowy day..
..my mum is informed by a snooty woman leaning out of her front door, that the school has in fact closed for the day due to the weather, and had she had common sense she'd of listened to the radio and not left the house. My mum having left the house quite a time before the school closed announcements were on, and having dragged three small reluctant kids through the ice and snow to school, was by no means in a good mood. And the following argument was punctuated by my mum uttering the immortal line "At least my husband isn't a limp wristed wanker", turned on her heel and continued on to school, leaving a rightly shocked woman to retreat into her house. Perhaps not the most severe of insults I'll grant you, but coming from a skinny woman of 5 ft nothing, at 8:30 in the morning somewhat made up for it.

Length? It was a hell of a long walk..
(ShiftyBastard won the World Cup on World Soccer Champs 2010!, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 15:58, Reply)

Some random ones
You're as useless as a third tit on a bullfrog.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 15:25, Reply)

"Now I've seen how you turned out, I wish I'd never raped your mother."

( Cap'n Tallbeard, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 15:15, Reply)

"You're a phrenologist's wet dream."

( ArthurTheRat, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 15:14, Reply)

Upon the return of Britain's favourite all-girl group
I turned to my brother and said "come on, give us that tenner you owe me."
"Fer wot?" he asks.
"I told you the Spice Girls would get back together before your ex-wife's legs did."

Everyone else in the pub laughed....
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 15:05, Reply)

custard
half way between a cunt and a bastard.
( ExactlyHowLongDoIHaveToBeHere, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 14:55, Reply)

Biochem
My computer science geek friend made fun of me for doing a degree in Biochemistry, I countered with "When I cure your inevitable HIV infection, then you'll be thankful."

For some reason he was left unable to verbalise a comeback.
(I have a face also had a sig on, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 14:55, Reply)

.
Discussing the class slapper : "Well, I'm not trying to be rude, but the ferret could fit in a tighter hole."

"As useless as the Pope's cock"

And my personal favourite : "A face like a prolapsed arse."

The only downfall to the latter is that most people don't seem to know what one of those looks like. Still, it's always fun when they finally twig.
(Sneakerdoodle "Have a cup of tea and toss yourself off", Sun 7 Oct 2007, 14:50, Reply)

While on a trip
The car next to us had a sign on the back window pointing toward the driver with the misspelled but very amusing "TWAT WAFFEL!"
(ishes are fun, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 14:38, Reply)

In the pub...
a mate's girlfriend (who none of us liked much) turned up just as I'd got a round in.

"Is no-one going to buy me drink?" she asked.

No volunteers.

"Well," she said to her boyfriend, "give me a mouthfull of your beer."

"But..." he replied, "but I've only got a pint."

Good slap for him, mirth for the rest of us.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 14:21, Reply)

what ever happened to shithat?
as in shit head. it used to be synonymous whey back when (it can remember chanting "take that? shithat!" at top of the pops)
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 14:07, Reply)

Sarah Jessica Parker
I heard someone describe her as having a face like a foot! Still think of that whenever those four trouthags of sex in the city come on the TV.
(lankynyack, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 13:50, Reply)

Classic
Shitwitch.

Nuff said
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 13:46, Reply)

Politically correct insult for black people
"Racially challenged"
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 13:45, Reply)

sockcooker
scrotworm
fart smeller
crab farmer
willy washer
(Joesus, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 13:31, Reply)

One From A German Dictionary

Auspoof.

Sounds good if you emphasize the 'poof' bit.

Unfortunately, it means 'exhaust pipe'....
(pharmatron Death or Scunthorpe? CHOOSE!!, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 13:28, Reply)

but mate dont you work in a golf shop
the best insult i could come up with after a massive amount of cider but it really did the trick tore right through the core of that cunt Stuart
(fwack bang on it, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 13:22, Reply)

Ah bless!
An old school mate of mine only learned to 'swear' in year 9 or 10 after one day it just got too much for him.

We were playing football one lunchtime on the playing fields. One of the other guys tackled my mate and his shoe came off. Being the crazy practical joker this other guy was, he proceeded to steal said footwear and run around the field with it.

My mate, in hot pursuit and non too pleased, finally lost his rag he shouted in the most aggressive voice ever: "Oh just prat off!"

Needless to say many laughs were had at his expense. I think he did get his shoe back eventually but only through pity.
(lost_monkey, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 12:51, Reply)

School transport
Going to a school which is an impractical distance away from my house means that I have the misfortune of experiencing public transport a lot.

The other day a large boy lumbered onboard. A dirt-smudged cap pulled over his greasy hair and a Nike jacket stretched over his oozing lard rolls, this boy had actually done the impossible and was wider than he was tall.
He attempted to swagger past the bus driver but was stopped by a meaty arm

Bus driver: Bus pass?
Chav: Ain't got one
Bus driver: No pass, no ride
Chav sneers
Bus driver: Bus pass?
Chav: I told you mate, I ain't got one. Now fuck off
Bus driver: Now listen 'ere you stupid-
Chav: You're calling me stupid? You're a fucking bus driver.

Chav: 1
Driver: 0
(misato, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 12:51, Reply)

'merkins
one of my flat mates at uni this year is american, and he's taken to calling me a "cum-dumpster".

i call him a "cock-knock". it works for us.
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Sun 7 Oct 2007, 12:30, Reply)

Aussie insults
He's got a head like a busted arse
Ugly as a hat full of arseholes
Ugly as a half-sucked mango seed

I usually just say SODDOFF or Fuck off or die trying!
( Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 12:27, Reply)

Jaysis, one way ticket to Hull please
When I was a wee girl in primary school in Dublin, we used to use a very Un-PC word when someone had been a bit thick.

We used to call each other Christy. In a, urm, "special" voice. "You're a big bleedin' Chrrrriissssttteeeeeeee!!!"

As in Christy Brown of "My Left Foot" fame. Incidently, there was nowt wrong with poor auld Christy's brain, but there you go.

One of my friends is 24, and still calls me a big Christy from time to time. Good times, good times...
(DoTheWh1rlw1nd, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 11:56, Reply)

excellent one
the ex was insulting my current mrs and i spouted this gem:

"yeah, well the most intelligent thing to come outta your mouth was my cock"



nuff said really
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 11:46, Reply)

Oxygen
thief.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 11:45, Reply)

Blackadder
"Poo to you with nobs on" said the kid prime minister in one episode of Blackadder... and one which I use in conversation quite often now.
( Bathory, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 11:01, Reply)

.
A friend told me her ex described sex with her (after having kids) as "like waving a piece of spaghetti in an oil drum"

Also, so ive been told, when Rosanne Barr and (?) Tom Arnold divorced she comented on the size of his member - he replied "Well a Jumbo Jet looks small in the Grand Canyon".
(kitescreech still here, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 10:37, Reply)

fuck off and when you get there
...fuck off
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 10:26, Reply)

From someone who wishes to remain anonymous:
'Well, that was like a fly asking for directions in my uterus.'
(thePontificator, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 10:25, Reply)

Spacktard
.
Been using this for a while. I generally e-mail it to members of my team who have fucked up. (I can't remember where I got it from originally - might even have been B3ta..)




Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 7 Oct 2007, 10:15, Reply)