Not funny, but it may help those with endampened phones.
Back in 2006 I'd reached the low point of my life and taken a job selling phone contracts for a high-street independent. (I didn't realise it was the low point until I'd taken the job. Meh)

Like many juiceheads I've had an unfortunate phone/urinal calamity but luckily as an insider I knew the 'Golden rule'. On no account, no matter how interesting the story (vibrating phone/Kylie's fudgetunnel fun) never EVER admit the phone has got wet/sticky/bumchutney-lagged.

'Oh it just stopped working for no reason' is the mantra of the enlightened. You should be entitled to swoppage - a nice shiny dry phone with a box to return your inexplicably defunct handset - and by the time the wallet-raping fuckwads receive your piss-sodden handset back it's too late.

I shared this nugget with any unfortunates who crossed my path. Living in West Cornwall where everyone is a fisherman, permanently drunk or from the Baltic States (or combination thereof) the shop I managed quickly became the nationwide record holder for phones which 'just broke'
It's worth a try, although the wallet-rapists may have caught on, thanks to muggins here.

Length? About 3 months, then I was sacked on the spot by the managing director who 'just turned up in my shop'. I can't think why that was.
(HarvsPenzance was tired and confused at, Sat 1 Aug 2009, 0:57, 4 replies)

my wife
personalized her ring tone on my phone to a woman having an orgasm. She called the next morning. while i was having a meeting with corporate. nice.
(emigrex, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 23:11, 4 replies)

Drunk
I’m a happy man these days. Why wouldn’t I be? I have a good woman, decent job prospects and 38.8 days worth of music on my iphone. In fact, the only reason I’m not completely contempt with life is the fact that I am yet to find an app on my iphone that allows me to go to the toilet.

It’s been several weeks now. The whites of my eyes are now a musky shade of yellow, that can only be compared to that of the colour of a chinese person with liver failure.

Will I make it through the night? Only if I find the relevant app?
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Fri 31 Jul 2009, 22:41, Reply)

I got slapped... twice!
It seems so long ago now... Pink Goddess had only just come into my life.

I was still working as a consultant, and seemed to go through handsets like someone who spent their days almost whimpering in barely-restrained frustration, punctuated only by rage-inducing phone calls from clueless, overpaid, buttock-faced, chairmoistening sales chimps asking the kind of questions you could only answer by seizing them firmly by the throat and firmly inserting something where the sun does not shine.

Somehow, I broke another phone. When I got home with the battered remains of what had been one of Nokia's finest, Pink Goddess offered her old phone. I gratefully accepted. There was only one problem - she had to get her data off it. And so, the next three days were brought to us by the sound of 'bleep bleep' as she bluetoothed her data from one to the other. I may have gently remonstrated.

That weekend, she handed over the phone, and with a fierce (but beautiful) glare, said "Now it's your turn. Get your data on there then".

Righto then. Bluetooth on on phone. Bluetooth on on laptop. One iSync later, all my data's on the phone. Pink Goddess slapped me. Ouch.

Then she said "What about the photos?". Bluetooth file browser, drag/drop, job done. She slapped me again. Ouch.

So there you go - how a phone got me slapped twice.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 22:31, 2 replies)

I'm quite an active person
I fly power kites, I ski, I wakeboard, I generally do whatever adrenaline sport I can get my hands on. So when I bought my last phone I got the year's insurance with it - however it got destroyed, you paid £10 and got a new phone. No hassle.

The bloody thing's indestructible. It's had me land on it from 10ft+ in the air, it's been sat on dozens of times, it's taken a lot of the force of a 40mph skiing crash and it's just a little battered on the top right corner.

They should make crash helmets out of this stuff. Surtees would have walked away.



Edit: Camera is now working again.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 22:13, 3 replies)

On site
I swear it's true!

I was working at a customer's site with a colleague. We were in the machine room , installing service packs. This involves double-clicking 'SETUP.EXE', waiting about half an hour, hoping that we haven't just utterly busted said server, telling it to reboot, and on to the next. And on, and on, and on...

To break up the spine-crushing boredom, we were comparing comedy ringtones or something. Anyhow, it turned out that I had a file he wanted, so we decided to send it via Bluetooth. A moment later, a list of names come up on my screen... Most seemed fairly normal, but he definitely heard the sound of my eyeballs going big. "What?" he asked.

Well, in amongst the fairly normal names, was one "Hot gay boy 4 U". We never did work out who it was, but we spent two days there wondering...
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 22:12, 1 reply)

Predict a text
My mate's name is Rich Semple, which his flat mate discovered in T9 language is Shag People.
(Raol Duke, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 22:11, Reply)

I once sent a picture of my cock to my mother.
My face was ever so red, I apologised and sent her a picture of my bumhole.
( Wildheart Baby. Drunken Mess In A Good Way, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 21:51, 2 replies)

Whimsical sounds
Everyone used to always have a good laugh at a text alert sound once technology expanded to accommodate custom noises for more than calls (or at least that's how I remember it). So for a couple of years me and my mates would have a chuckle when someone got a message and the treasure chest tune from Zelda sounded, or perhaps Clint Eastwood enquiring about how lucky we felt. Of course this led to one-upmanship.

I totally won a few years ago. It was so ludicrously hilarious that all buckled when they heard it. All except one.

I was having a quiet night in visiting my dad when my mate David texted... and Stan Smith from American Dad announced the arrival of my text by declaring "Which is why I've decided to have sex with a man" rather proudly...

Bet my dad was chuffed when I told him I was engaged to a real-life lady two months back.
(Phase3Profit pees too much, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 21:43, Reply)

I was calling Be* Tech Support
And was advised to change the filter on my socket. So, downstairs I go, talking to this guy, saying it wasn't the filter, blah blah.


Took me 3 minutes talking to myself to realise that I'd pulled my own phone line out. I bet he was pissing himself.
(Black_Dwarf frawD_kcalB, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 21:36, Reply)

Text Fails
1. I sent this to Greg "In what ways is a Bible like a cock?
You get slapped in the face with it by a priest." Only, I had sent it to his mother, who is a strict Roman Catholic. Her responce was "I'm dissapointed that you believe such preduidices, please be a little bit more mature. X"

2. I get this, "I just heard in the news 'RAF Tornado crashes on hillside.'This is what happens when you have a shit advertising slogan like,'you don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF'.
Well apparently you fucking should be.", in the middle of a lecture at college and have one of of those laughs that feels like it's punched you in the stomach (the bastards) and everyone looks at me.

3. I sent Greg a picture of my tit's as a joke, only to have him send a text from his mate's phone saying, "I was taking a piss, they said you sent something. They won't give me my fucking phone back."
(MissUnexpectedNuttering Mad to live, Mad to talk, and burn, burn, burn...., Fri 31 Jul 2009, 21:35, 4 replies)

What?
I just read that 60% of people use their phone to cheat, Surely it would be more effective to use a penis, right?
(MissUnexpectedNuttering Mad to live, Mad to talk, and burn, burn, burn...., Fri 31 Jul 2009, 20:46, 4 replies)

the joys of bluetooth
when i was in college, one afternoon we were all sat around in the lecture theatre slightly bored and
waiting for our tutorial.
so while we were all sat around, one of the girls sat at the front of the room started searching for people on bluetooth.
whenever she picked someones name up she'd say
"who's *bluetooth name*?"

inspiration struck my friend and he changed his bluetooth name.
a few minutes later, as expected, the girl shouted out
"who's licked me clit?"

other highlights include:
finding someone who had their bluetooth name set as robocock

and again, back when i was in college one of the lads had a thing for one of the girls and sent her a picture of his cock.
she then bluetoothed it around lower 6 media studies because she thought it looked like he had jaundis

he was known as bart simpson until he left.

.
(stitched, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 20:09, Reply)

A tenuous story.
It involves wrecking someone's afternoon and phones, but just the regular kinds of phones. It's an office game I devised in the library known as "phone tennis". However, under the right conditions you can play it in pretty much any office. It's for 2 players, plus a referee.

What you need:

- An office
- At least two desk phones, preferably at opposite ends of the office
- One, and only one person in that office (the victim)
- Two assailants who can dial directly to any phone in that office
- Somewhere to view the person in the office where they can't see you.

Basically, phone ringer number one dials that person's phone, and when they pick up, hang up. Player 2 then phones the other phone and when they pick up, hang up. This continues back and forth until the person gives up, and the last person to have their phone answered wins!

If I was paid to piss people off at work I'd be a fucking millionaire.
(Tiny Blindfolded Horse Kitten sound car horns would end road rage, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 18:51, 2 replies)

Click, brrrr...
In my previous life as an engineer for a certain UK telco, I attended a fault on a (very old) E1 link to a mobile phone base station. Diagnosis involved lengthy discussion on my mobile with our control centre - the conversation was something like this:

"Power cycle it? OK, I'm switching it off now. Did you see the link go down? Hello?... Hello?... Bugger."
(fridgefreezer inserted a topical reference into his sig on, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 18:13, 3 replies)

---Wibbley wobbley lines & harp music----
Cast your minds back to the early 90s, an era of...well honestly I couldn't tell you courtesy of a pretty awful memory.

I was a slightly smaller 'Hound, and still in Primary School. At the time my dad had an awfully stylish Casio calculator that was awfully small and awfully thin - about the size of a credit card.

I'd been allowed to take it to school with me, and following my day of state sponsored learning I strolled home. Quite what possessed me to spend a large chunk of that stroll with the calculator pressed to me ear I will never know, but to this day I still cringe when thinking about it.


Size? About 85mm x 55mm x 4mm, and extremely difficult to get a grip on.
(chuckle_h0und You furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 17:54, Reply)

I do...
One of our friends forgot to turn her phone off at our wedding. Of course, it rang. Right in the middle of our vows.

On the upside, it pissed the in-laws off. Which is always worth it.
(grandmaswhiskers, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 17:37, Reply)

MMS disaster
Not a disaster for me, but definitely for Dave.

I recently started a text message service called Text2T. Basically people MMS in photos from their mobile, we print them on a t shirt and post them to their specified delivery address.

Soon after launching we received an order early one sunday morngin including a photo of a not-so-classy couple obviously playing a game of hide-the-sausage.

Ok we thought, they look over a certain age so lets print it on a t shirt and send it to the specified address: maybe its a sexy little present.

Tuesday morning there's a screaming lady on the office answerphone jabbering on about said t shirt. We couldn't make head nor tail of what she was banging on about so we called the number that the order came from.

After a rather confused conversation with a rough sounding bloke, we'll call him Dave for that was his name, we worked out what had happened:

Dave's mate didnt really like his girlfriend for she was 'a witch'. So he'd got hold of Dave's phone after a session one evening and used our service to text in a photo of Dave and a recent out-of-relationship conquest and have the resulting product sent to the witch.

Poor dave. All he wanted was an easy life and between his mate and us we'd scuppered that.

From what i could see in the photo, his length needed no apologies.
(BigTommyM, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 17:14, Reply)

And their reaction was......?
Few years ago me and a mate of mine were bored, thought it would be fun to send text messages to random friends along the lines of "and the doctor said I have to have the left one removed"

Was quite interesting what repsonses we had back, lets you know which ones care about you! ;-)
(ceejaytee, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 16:57, Reply)

Interview
Many moons ago, I went for an interview for a teaching job. the interviews lasted pretty much the whole day and one of the interviews was a "stress interview" where the interviewers were trying to deliberately unsettle you and knock you confidence to see how you reacted. Now the golden rule of any interview situation is to switch the mobile off before you go into the interview and inevitabley, I forgot to do so. The mobile I had at the time let out a high volume piercing "beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!" noise when a text message arrived.

So picture the scene:

phone: "beeeeeeeeeeeeep!"

me: *smiles politely tries to pretend nothing has happened*
interviewer1: *looks around sarcastically as if trying to place where the noise has come from*
Interviwer2: *looks incredoulous*

phone: "beeeeeeeeeeeeep!"

me: "er I'll turn it off."

When I finished the interview, I went out side to check my messages.

Text 1 from my mate Darren "Good Luck with the interview mate!"

Text 2 from my mate Dan "How did you get on with the interview? Did you get the job?"

Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Needless to say I wasn't successful.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 16:53, Reply)

It's an apocryphal tale about a friend-of-a-friend, and I hope to god it's true (though it probably isn't).
I'd like to think I or my friend of friend are not the only ones here who have phoned someone while on the loo. It makes sense after all - it's not like you can move or anything, and it's a constructive use of time. However, I am explicitly aware that there are those who hate to be phoned by someone taking a dump.

The girlfriend of said friend of friend was one of these people. He was nattering to her, trying his best to stifle the echo and occasional raspy farts that permeate the bathroom atmosphere. But alas, her wolf-like ears picked up the delicate sound of arse-lips vibrating together into the porcelain valley, and did admonish him.

Deciding to use the in for a penny, in for a pound approach, he decided to say "Yep! I'm having a shit! Listen!" He then places the phone to his arse to really treat her ears to a rectal rock concert.

Problem is, said fart came with a prize, to the tune of half a gallon of banoffee brown diarrhoea exploding from his arse like a fire hose, caking his hand and phone in sour smelling, rancid shit.
(Tiny Blindfolded Horse Kitten sound car horns would end road rage, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 16:51, Reply)

80's fancy dress party
My 2nd cousin was holding an 80's fancy dress party a few years ago. Most of my family were there, including some ancient aunties, who needless to say, gave the dressing up bit a miss.

I borrowed my father in law's old yuppie gear - A lovely suit that smelled of the loft, loud tie, red braces, polka dotted handkerchief, filofax, briefcase, and an old brick mobile phone.

I slicked back my hair and me and my 'bananaramalamanaama' clad missus headed down to his house. It was a good party, and at some point for the camera I did the old "Mnyah mnyah thats just blue sky thinking" talk into the phone whilst flipping through the filofax and ruffling papers in the briefcase.

My mother, dripping with plastic jewelery, told me later on that my auntie's were having a conversation about me, saying how well I appeared to have done for myself, that I looked very successful, and how nice it was of me to turn up to the party despite me clearly being a very busy man.

It was only when I elbow dropped Auntie Doris to the face that they realised I wasn't a successful businessman, and I was infact Adam, Prince of Eternia, Defender of the Secrets of Castle Greyskull. It was then that I introduced them to Kringer, my fearless friend. I went on to explain that fabulous, secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said: "By the Power of Greyskull!"

He-Man, He-Man . . . I have the power!

My relatives - tending to Auntie Doris' split lip and broken nose - asked me to tell them more about it. I told them that Kringer became the mighty BattleCat and I became He-Man, the most powerful man in the Universe! I let slip that only three others shared this secret... Our friends the Sorceress, Man-at-Arms, and Orko. Over a cup of tea at the end of the evening, I told them how together we defend Castle Greyskull from the evil forces of Skeletor.

After I finished my tea, I scissor kicked my 6 year old niece and winded my Uncle Bill with a sonic boom I learned from my mate Guile.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Fri 31 Jul 2009, 16:07, 9 replies)

B3ta collaborated with a mobile phone to almost end my life
Having been rattling round on here in various guises for all of 6 years now, I have picked up a lot of lingo on here.

I was in the John Hancock Mall in Chicago last Christmas, doing a round of shopping for the folks back home, and whilst in the lift my phone rings. It's my mate calling me, worried because she'd heard about the giant blizzards which had hit the city the night before.

Completely oblivious to my surroundings I loudly state "the snow isn't too bad but it got down to -25 this morning. This weather is really starting to cunt me in the fuck!"

This isn't the best thing to say in a lift that, I later found out, was filled with a deeply religious Texan family.
(Tiny Blindfolded Horse Kitten sound car horns would end road rage, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 16:02, 1 reply)

T9 mistake
A guy I know befriended a girl who was, at the time, out clubbing, although it turned out that was unusual for her. She also happened to be celibate at the time, which ruined his plan.

He and I tended to go clubbing every weeekend, so what she did was a bit of a mystery

Now this guy isn't someone who proofreads his texts before sending them. He meant to ask her "so what do you do all the time if you don't go out". He actually sent "so what do you do all the time if you don't in out".

Even after the typo it's still a valid question, just a much weirder one.
(teebie jeebie, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 16:01, 4 replies)

A happy tale
My last few efforts on QOTW seem to be all fluffy and nice and unfortunately (perhaps) this is no exception.

There we were, blokes drinking heavily, sat smoking around the table (as you could in them days) and having much fun. One of my chums goes off for a wee. Jumping at the chance to add extra comical value to the evening I took advantage of his absense by grabbing his phone and texting his dad. It was nothing nasty, just something along the lines of 'I LOVE YOU DAD, MISS YOU LOTS xoxox'

HO HO HO!!! How we laughed. Chris (for that is his name) didn't laugh that much. It turns out (and this is why such pranks can go badly wrong) that he hadn't spoken to or seen his dad for about 4 years following a rather spectacular falling out. Needless to say I felt like a bit of twat, apologised and bought him a pint. He explained what happened (I won't bore you with that bit) and then his phone beepety beeped.

It was his dad.

I MISS YOU TOO SON. PLEASE COME SEE ME SOMETIME. LOVE DAD.

Chris was a bit stunned and went very quiet and disappeared off the toilet, returning a bit red-eyed.

He had spoken to his dad (in a drunken stupor) and agreed to go round the next day, and he did.

He met his half brother and sister for the 1st time ever, cleared the air with his dad, was Best Man at his wedding and is now in regular contact and they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

Quick Edit: Before this, whenever he spoke of his dad he was actually refering to his stepdad (he lived with his mum still back then) so I thought thats who I was texting.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 15:56, 9 replies)

A while ago
I worked with 2 brothers, neither of whom was the sharpest tool in the box (the younger one came into the office one morning back in 1997 asking everybody how come Lionel Blair had been made PM.

Anyhoo. Older brother comes back from holiday in Dominican republic. He's showing us all his phone pics, and we're having a proper perv at his (fit) girlfriend. On this phone, you just scrolled to the next pic, and when he got to the last one, he tapped next, only to show us a picture of a suburban London back garden (clearly in the winter) with older and fitbint holding her rabbit.

Younger brother grabbed phone and looked at the next picture, which was a similar shot.

How the facking hell did you take Mr Tibbles* (or whatever the fucking thing was called) on holiday with you?
(Captain Dispensible, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 15:53, 1 reply)

I have no phone!
I haven't owned a cell phone and quite some time and when I do they are those cheap contract phones. I guess my story would be my entire history with cell phones, which consists of losing them or them getting stolen or just not having money to put minutes on them.

One time I was trying to set up a phone but the battery was defect and I got extremely pissed off. Other than that I can't think of anything specific.
(DevinDerga Signer of board messages!, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 15:45, 1 reply)

Last of the Mohicans
I don't have a mobile phone.

This is considered a disaster by some people other than myself.
(Ennui Kissinger, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 15:22, 11 replies)

double check
So, working in Bangkok many moons ago - across the road from one of the slapper joints (Cowboy) meant to many late nights. After one such night filled with chicks on stage in the buff and the shower show, this led to myself being late the following morning. Quick shower, ran to the skytrain, got on one that would make me on time for the morning meeting with some quite important clients. I remembered before rushing out the door of the apartment grabbing my phone and placing it in the (at the time fashionable) belt holsters..

I looked a right tit holding my TV remote to my ear on a packed train, tapping my foot impatiently for the ringtone to come....
(phazey, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 15:09, Reply)