Mugging
While waiting at Wigan station some ghastly little thing (I refuse to call it a person) with rat like hands tried to nick my ipod. I swung out as he came up behind me, he moved, I hit a wall, he legged it.

I then missed my train giving a statement to the transport police.

My mate got mugged while pissed by a guy that had a rusty knife, he took his last tenner. In the ensuing rate that my mate launched about how shit his life was right now (and it was)and it being his last tenner, the guy came back and give him a fiver, apologising for the tought time he was going through and keep his chin up...

If he's reading, hopefully the Welshman will drop me an-e-mail coz I haven't heard from him for some time now...
(Kage, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:56, Reply)

Indecision
I was living in Hyde Park in Leeds, all of 100 yards from the 24 hour garage. Stoned out of my proverbial gourd, I wandered down for some munchies and was suddenly surrounded by 4 - goddammit - children, one of whom pulled what may have been a knife (or may have been a sandwich for all I knew) out of his pocket briefly, as if to scare me.

This required quick thinking - was it best to push one out the way and run or snap in with some of my fearsome martial arts skills?

By the time I'd decided that the best route would be to back into the one behind me, smashing him into a wall, kick the one in front and make a belt for it, they were already running up the road with 40 quid out of my back pocket.

And then I stood there for another five minutes trying to work out if I had enough coins on me for a KitKat or if I should make the journey home again first. Yes, yes, drugs are bad etc etc....
( pilchardboy, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:52, Reply)

A mate of mine
-Phil- got mugged in the apartment block where I lived in central manc on his way to see me. Phil was escorted back outside by the guy (with a knife) and had all money taken etc. Then the guy started talking to him as he had time to kill before getting a bus (!). It turns out they knew some of the same people, and the guy took Phil for a pint round the corner. At the end he gave Phil his money back too - therefore being the only victim of a mugging I know that made a profit.

*Insert length, gag*
(dahogga is exiting stage left, pursued by a bear, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:47, Reply)

Like, sooo EB
After the borders were opened in the Czech Republic my poor escaped refugee daddy was finally allowed to go home and visit his family in Prague, and took us, his little western family with him. Two blonde daughters with matching outfits (one was me, pissed off as usual that my little sister was wearing the same) and the parents in full tourist mode with backpacks etc.

So anyway, we were coming out of the metro, when suddenly my dad spins around and grabs this guy's hand (which happened to be in his backpack) and yells at him loudly in czech - we were all terrified, nothing like this ever happens in switzerland, my mum grabbing us and pulling us to safety behind a pillar - but then the guy laughs and says (in czech) 'aaw, sorry mate, i though you were a tourist! welcome back! no hard feelings eh?'

And then walks away, swinging his arms and humming.

Has to go down in history as one of the most unspectacular muggings ever...
(chesty, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:43, Reply)

Again, Barcelona.
The place is rife with it, I've been to a fair few European cities and Barcelona is by far the worst for pick pockets.
There for a week and the attempt that stood out the most was a 60+ year old man attempting to steal my friends bag from under her chair in an Easy Internet Cafe.
She screamed and he walked away wagging a finger with a cheeky grin. Twat.
( TN, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:32, Reply)

A mugging of sorts...
This story is legendary in my home town. Once there was a young man obsessed with women in any form and while in the big city of London he visited Soho.

Now he had never been to Soho and was not streetwise in any way. He seen a sign outside a club saying 'entry only £5', thinking that this was excellent as all the other clubs where upwards of £45 entry, he decided to go in.

He was warmly greeted by some scantily clad ladies before being led downstairs and coldly greeted by a 7ft bouncer demanding £45 entry to the club. Turns out the £5 was just to get into the stairwell. He protested and woke up in an ambulance on its way to A&E with a broken nose and several fractures.

I recently made a pilgrimage to see Queen in Hyde Park last year and went to see the club in question. I only wished there was one of those little blue signs outside saying "**** Born 1978, Tried to be a sleaze and got royaly screwed over here in 1998"
( Bamboo Steamer, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:31, Reply)

Is it a bird?....
Not technically a mugging, but just to tell the story, ill pretend they stole a shoe from him.

The Xmas before last, my mate is out have a good time in one of the wonderful dancing establishments in Canterbury. In the early hours, he starts to stumble home, going via the kebab van on the way home. At said van, there is some sort of kerfuffle between him and three chaps waiting behind him, and they promptly beat him up. The police get called, and he gives his statement. When the police ask him for a description of the three assailants, he replies:
Well, one was superman, one was batman, and one was spiderman. He even made it onto the BBC website:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/kent/4233289.stm
(jimmy_stavros, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:21, Reply)

Many many moons ago.....
....when i was a yoof, i went out for a night on the town. All went well, good beer, company, pub etc.

Sure enough home time rolled around and it dawned on me i had no cash left for el taxi, having spent it all on dirty, cheap cider. Needless to say, not only was i cashless....i was also wankered.

So, off i trudged to the cash point to get some redies. Beep-beep, cash out, et voila...taxi time.

Not quite...

I turn around to be faced with what can only be described as a Nike-clad oompah lumpah. I shit you not, he was no taller than 4ft8. Bless him.

He pointed out that he had seen me enter my pin and would like to relieve me of both my card and my phone. Should i fail to comply he would summon his gang of heavies from around the corner to, as he so eliquently put it "smash my fucking skull in". Nice.

Now, bearing in mind that i'm 6"3, 17st and drunk, i thought i'd point something out to him....

"Right....you thieving cunt. If. And this is a big fucking IF. You had a gang around the corner surely they would have got someone a bit bigger than my Jack-fucking-russel to mug me. Cock."

A wave of chav-based confusion swept over his face. He thought everything through. I could see he was thinking everything through. So i leapt at him in a drunken state and screamed...

"FUCKOFFYOUROBBINGCUNTINGSCUMBAGDWARFANDGOANDFUCKYOURSELFAAARARRRRRRGGGHHHHH"

...or something to that effect. I was very drunk.

He ran off like a girl, and i got my taxi home. Yay.

Length? Girth? Gotta have both, my mugger certainly didn't. Click "i like this" because you know you do.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:19, Reply)

I was nearly victim of a reverse mugging.
whilst leaving the local nightclub at kicking out(/off) time I bump into some girls who i knew from my old estate and start chatting just outside the doors of the club to find out how they've been etc.

their 'friend' (we'll call her sharon) comes out of the club and comes over to where we are standing, then she starts saying how some girl was giving her aggro inside and she's gonna give her a piece of her mind when she comes outside. said woman exits the club and sharon thrusts her hand bag into my hands and storms off to have it out with her newly aquired arch-nemesis 'essex girl' style. not thinking much of it i'm still standing there holding this bag and chatting to the girls about times past.

after a while sharon still hasnt come to get her bag back so i give it to one of the girls i was talking to and say give this to sharon i'm off home. at that point sharon comes back saying "where's my bag, someones took it". so the girl who i gave it to said "no it's here". sharon seeing an opportunity methinks then says "typical i bet someones nicked all my money now" and pulls out her purse to check.

now the fatal flaw in her plan was the fact she physically gave me her bag herself, no one else touched it until i gave it to her friend seconds before she came back, the bag wasnt opened once the whole time, i KNEW no one had taken any of her money.

despite this small detail she goes ballistic screaming "someones nicked AT LEAST 50 quid out of here" when in fact its much more likely she either

a) never had £50 to start with
or
b) spent it on barcardi breezers in the club

she then starts screaming about how that money was to feed her kids for the next two weeks and whoever stole it had taken the food directly out of their mouths.

the major problem with this was i did actually have about £50 in my wallet (which i'd taken out of the (rip-off £1.50 charge) cash machine in the club towards the end of the night) so i thought "shit, if she demands i get my wallet out it'll look like i stole her fictional cash"

not wanting to look guilty by walking off i decide i better stay until this is sorted otherwise i'll get the blame (and as there were coppers around, probably nicked).

luckily in the time we'd been hanging around outside the club one of my two cousins who were waiting for me so we could walk back home (being we live in the same direction) was being hassled by the site security (read jumped up twats on serious powertrips) and told to piss off home, in reply my cousin told him 1) to piss off himself and 2) that he was a failed copper and he should get a proper job. the security guard then grabbed my cousin (and a couple of his mates jumped in as well) he had his arms twisted up behind his back to near breaking point, they then frogmarched him off the site, but as they went his brother who had been standing with me saw this and ran over to find out what was going on, before he could get a word out the other security staff grab him and using similiar arm-locks also drag him off.

a security officer who was passing then tells me "you can f**k off as well". bollocks to that i thought, instead i follow them and talk to the one security person who is alright and i went to school with to find out what had actually happened. he doesnt know. so me and the girls (and the security guy) walk up to where the 6 security guys are dragging my cousins (it's also the way we have to go home).

the same security guard who told me to f-off saw me again and comes barrelling over trying to pick a fight saying "i thought i told you to f**k off" even though i was 20 feet away from the trouble and walking calmly talking to a security guy (my mate). i explain as simply as i can "i am f**king off, but those are my cousins whom i'm walking home with and this is the direction i need to go to f**K off" he sheepishly turns and walks away (twat).

now this is the kicker... along with the entire security team it took to drag my cousins off site they were accompanied by 2 or 3 real coppers, who saw nothing at all wrong with the security guards taking them right to the limits of the leisure park and instead of leaving them on the pavement, THROW THEM face first (with their arms still twisted behind their backs) into the road on the middle of a roundabout (which also has a blind approach so that any cars driving and given the time of night they go at great speed round there would not see them until they were less than 4 metres away) which happens to be the spot where the son of my mums friend was hit by a car after clubbing and was killed. understandably my cousins go mental at the way they've just put them in extreme danger and get up and start swearing at the security. so the police then arrest them and drag them right back to the original point we were standing in the first place and throw them in the meatwagon where they are issued with public disorder fines of about £80 each and then released.

so in short my reverse mugging of £50 was narrowly averted by the diversion caused my cousins who nearly got themselves killed and ended up paying £160 for their troubles. huzzah!


apologies for length? no chance, i stole the last 10 minutes of your life and theres nothing you can do about it *runs away*
( HatBeard, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:16, Reply)

Outside Halifax Bus Station
I was surrounded at the age of 14 by and I quote:
'The Gibbet Street Massive'
who asked, and again I quote:
'Can we see your wallet?'

I took out my Jurassic Park wallet and instead of stealing it they just laughed at me, so I punched one of them in the face and ran away.

I've still got that wallet, it has a raptor on it.
( WormuIus, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 10:07, Reply)

I had a pair of sunglasses stolen from my back pocket
not so long ago. Irritatingly for both me and the theif, they were prescription, so no good to him, and a pain to replace for me.

Crime sucks.
( Mr Gear the gay-maker, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 9:26, Reply)

whilst walking back from a night out
I was stoped by 2 guys, one little and one massive with half a brick. I was very heroic and didn't even urinate, and I gave them my phone (pre-blocking days) a 5 pound note, they let me keep my cards and my sim card which was nice.
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 8:54, Reply)

In reality
I used to be a bookie, and once whilst working on one of the scummiest estates in Leicester, 2 men walk in with caps pulled down very low. They mill around for a few seconds, then one of them shouts "Get f*ckin down" and pulls out a shotgun whilst his mate runs up towards the counter brandishing a hand-gun.

About a year pevious, (thank Dog), we'd had some new security measures put in. Basically we pressed a panic button and up from the counter comes a untested bullet proof plactis shield that shouts up to the ceiling, basically sealing us in and the robbers out.

This was what I call an active test. Pressed the button and everything worked. Counter and door into the office locked off, no way in. And yet I was cacking myself.

The two blokes, realising that there was an alarm going and they're not exactly in the best position, decided to leg it. So the two blokes each fire a shot out of frustration into the plastic. Muck fe, it is bullet proof!!

They ran, and were picked up later in the day trying to rob another bookies across in Derby.

To be honest, it really shuck me up, and due to the fact the company was a bit lapse in training, me and my cashier got about £2500 each as a post traumatic pay-out.

I then left being a shop bookie and moved jobs.
(gjb006, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 8:43, Reply)

Not me but a friend at uni...
Used to knit chain mail for the local Society for Creative Anachronism (people who like to get together at weekends and pretend they are knights errant or something). It's gotten late at the jousts, and he doesn't have time to strip off the mail or the sword, so he just puts on his cloak and heads for the subways.

Little mugger comes up to him on the platform (in the days before CCTV), and says, "I've got six inches of steel here that says you'll give me all your money."

Friend leans into the knife (chainmail, remember?) then opens the cloak to show a hand on the sword hilt, says, "I'll see your 6 and raise you 20."

Little mugger turns much paler and quietly vanishes.
(chazz, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 8:23, Reply)

From interwebnet
Right, always remember this from another message board I use - it may just be urban legend

Bloke is out at night, walking home down a alley way to his house. Its a clear night and everywhere is well lit.

Attacker jumps out from hiding place and confronts bloke with smallish knife, demanding the blokes money and phone. He's about 2 metres away from him. Bloke says "ok, calm down, chill with the still" and pulls out his wallet from his back pocket.

Bloke then throws wallet into the sky. Mugger looks up and goes to catch, where-as bloke steps forward and boots mugger in the cahonies.

Mugger drops to floor, forgets everything apart from agonising numb pain in groin.

Bloke picks up wallet, puts it away and continues his journey.

Could be utter cods-wallop, but I like to think its true.
(gjb006, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 8:20, Reply)

it hasn't happened... yet
but when it does, if i learned anything from this QOTW, it's that muggers don't know what to do when you put them off their preconception. and if you beat the shit out of them, you'll win.
(beware of the large gangs though that leave you for dead)
(crumpled, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 8:15, Reply)

3000 quid santa hat
About 3 or so years back I was out in Cambridge with a group from the work Christmas 'do'. While moving from one bar/club that has just closed to another I was briefly separated from the others. It was while I was walking along by myself, resplendent in a fine santa hat (only a few booze stains), that one of a group of three young chavs heading the opposite way grabbed my lovely hat from my head. In my somewhat drunken state I didn't do the sensible thing and just let them have it, I tried to grab it back off his head (and missed). His response was to swing a fist at the side of my head (he didn't miss). Next thing I remember is coming round and looking up at the ambulancemen and policemen standing round me. I had a broken right arm so not a nice way to start off the Christmas holiday for me, but the hat they pinched turned out to be very pricey for the chavs. The fuckwits had beaten me up right in front of a CCTV camera, two of the three were arrested that night while I was still being X-rayed and the third was picked up the following day. In the end in addition to community service type things two of them had to pay me 1500 quid in compensation each. So between them they were 3000 quid out of pocket with only a second hand santa hat to show for it...

Seems I still haven't learnt my lesson about cooperating with muggers though. Last December in my new home of Sydney I was walking back from the pub through a pretty deserted part of town when I get jumped by two hoodie wearing bastards. So when I'm lying on the ground with an angry looking bloke sitting on my chest, waving a fucking huge kitchen knife in my face and demanding my wallet, what do I do? Of course, like the muppet I am I say 'no'. This seemed to annoy him for some reason, but while I don't clearly remember what happened next I must have done a decent job of fending off the knife (got the scars on my palms to prove it) as he only managed to cut my ear lobe open before they decided to leg it. Sadly there were no arrests this time, and to add insult to injury I later get a bill from the ambulance service (the 'comprehensive' public health service in Australia provides free emergency treatment but you've got to pay to get to it).
(Dr Hotdog is considering getting shot in t'eyes with lasers, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 8:07, Reply)

Painless
Got on the booze last night, though not too severely, and when I got home, discovered I had no wallet.
I have no recollection of even being near anyone dodgey, so I blame either a) the taxi seat consuming the thing, b) the room full of russian hookers I was in, or c) the room full of England supporters I had been drinking in.

Fuck knows, but who cares. It was mostly empty.

Gentlest robbery I've ever experienced.
(John Rooter, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 5:02, Reply)

a large, rough near-lesbian called Alex

Stole my heart. And still hasn't given it back.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 4:43, Reply)

Queue up for a mugging
I went to work one day, at a theme park, to be told that the day before (my day off) someone had tried to relieve the person behind them in the queue of their mobile phone.

Chav in question forgets that they are half way through a 90 minute queue in the peak season. In order to escape after committing their crime they would either have had to fight their way past their victim and anyone behind them who would have been witness to the theft, forwards where they would have probably been confronted by punters not so impressed by queuejumpers or into the ride area where they probably would have risked being hit by 28 people in a speeding rollercoaster train.

Their victim had for some reason handed their phone over, so what did the thieving scally do. Stayed in the queue to get their ride. On reaching the front of the queue their victim had told the staff, and managed to recite most of the contacts, music files and general stuff that was on the phone, leading to the thieves getting frogmarched off by security to be forcefully ejected into the hands of the local police.

Mind you, most people at theme parks mug themselves; if you will ride with large amounts of loose change in your pockets (£50 rolled up in an elastic band on one occasion - considered too much to come under the 'finders keepers' rules and duly handed to security, probably to be spent by them on pizza. And for some inexplicable reason, one staff member once discovered a Ministry of Sound Annual CD out of it's case), then you only have yourselves to blame for giving the staff a bonus when they clean the ride area at the end of the day.
(daylightroddery, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 3:56, Reply)

"Give us yer wallet now"
These were the words spoken to my dad by a snot-nosed north Manchester chav who then discovered that my dad, though in his 70's, could still throw a Prescott-stylee right hook without breaking a sweat.

Being 17 years old and crying in the street after having your nose put out of joint by a pensioner on his way to bingo does not make you a local hero in that part of Manchester.

That was five years ago and my dad still tells the story to anyone who'll listen. I suspect the mugger has kept quiet about it.

[unfunny joke about large penis goes here]
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 3:53, Reply)

They tried, bless 'em...
In the anus of the North West*. Walking through the town centre outside the Three Crowns when two of the local chavs demand my wallet. Bearing in mind its 1am and I'm drunk, I casually go "Yeah ok then, hang on." and retrive my wallet (on a chain) and throw it at him.

As he fumbled to catch it I decked him in the face and ran like fuck as he fell, dragging me wallet behind, while the other one shouted after me, about revenge or some bollocks.

Was shaking for ages once I realised what happened (about two hours later). Got comforted by the (now ex) Girlfriend, which was a bonus.


*(Bolton for those who don't know)
(Fleximus Rex briefly gave up lurking on, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 3:22, Reply)

Scrotes
I live in south Manchester, so when I get mugged its either by a 9 year old on a BMX wearing a balaclava with a hand gun, or its a group of 20 lads with nothing better to do.

One particular time I was riding by home with two of my friends on bikes. We took a short cut through a local park, which was a bad idea.
When we were about half way through the park one of my friends recieved a text message from his girlfriend, so naturally he had to stop and read it. A group of about 20 lads comes over this hill and comes towards us. I said 'Shit, scallies, let's go' to which my friend replied 'it's all right, they won't do anything'
Minutes later he was unconsious in a pool of his own blood and I was in a pond with a fractured skull.
(Nobsocks, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 3:10, Reply)

My phone is a Siemens A50 with a fucked up case
and no plastic glass to protect the screen.

So obviously, I'm virtually fucking invincible to muggers. The first time I was mugged, one guy pickpocketed me while his mates all provided distraction and threats, and when he got my phone out of my pocket, he handed it straight back to me.

The second time, I wasn't so lucky...the guy took out my phone and took one look before giving it back, but demanded all my money.

He got 6p :(
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 1:37, Reply)

Not me, but dear friends.

Two girls (very, very early teens as I heard it) walking down the sidewalk on a bright day. One falls and doesn’t get up (badly sprained ankle you see) the other bends down to check on her friend and takes out her cell-phone to call for help. A group of kids (I’ve not actually asked how old or how many) come up to them. This group proceeds to extort the phone and a pair of glasses from the uninjured girl.

Both girls ended up having to crawl home. Bastard muggers.
(evil_kitty, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 1:23, Reply)

Not me but mate....not really a mugging
My mate was once by himself at a train station (Tilehurst to be precise) some local "bad boys" tried to pick a fight with him. As a normal person would he tried to run away, but being in the inebriated state he was he tried jumping over a spikey fence into a dead end with no one around. he got over but accidenta;y twatted one of the scallys round the face with his face rolex, smashing the face and causing blood to spray from the bad ones face. As one would imagin they didn't like this.
They got him in the corner and started to kick the shit out of him. Eventually one of them pulled out a knife and stabs him just above the crotch. At this poit he decided to "give" them his phon and wallet just to make them go away. He then staggered b ack to the pub, came up to me, said "I've justbeen stabbed!" and collapsed to the floor. The paraedic said the knife was two milimeters away from severing a major artery. Lucky wanker


He still wears the boxers with the knife hole in three years later as "lucky" boxers....... What a tosser!
(mr.BIG I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 1:16, Reply)

Barcelona II
Funny you should mention the barcelona underground system.

Was interrailing with 5 mates & ended up in Barcelona underground. They're all sitting down while I'm holding onto the bars near the doors. A young man on my left (with a plaster cast on his arm - still not sure why) grabs my left arm in a joking way to steady himself because the train is swaying so much.

As the train is barely swaying at all, I thought it was a bit strange. Then I feel something about my right hip and an older man is using a newspaper as cover for pickpocketing me!

Having never been pickpocketed before, I was unsure of the ettiquite, so I said firmly (in English) "could you please take your hand out of my pocket?"

He seemed to get the message and they both got out at the next stop. I hasten to add that I am very much of the 'take what you want and don't hurt me' school of thought, and I still have no idea what possessed me to confront this guy.

I think it was the fact I was bewildered by the most amateur pickpocketing attempt ever! I could easily feel his hand, ffs!

(btw he wouldn't have found much any way as we were down to our last couple of pesos and I (like every good interrailer) had all me valuables in a sweaty pocket next to my belly!)

Agreed though, Baracelona is a beautiful place and beautiful women do tend to walk on the beach sans tops, which, when you're seventeen, well...you can imagine.
(drfusion, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 0:39, Reply)

Genius
It was a sunny afternoon and I was standing in a doorway in Birmingham (this isn't the genius part). A rather aggressive hoodie type approached me and put a knife to my throat. He took my bag and the packet of cigarettes from my pocket. As he walked back out into the throng of daytime shoppers he started shouting "stop shouting, I just don't love you anymore" "I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE".

As much as I was gutted by being mugged, I just had to think... Genius...
(pipipiper I miss my pond, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 0:36, Reply)

Car Mirrors
I didnt get mugged, quite the opposite...

one night walking home in my immature days (bout a year ago, im only 17) me and a pal were rather pissed up and went into the usual sport of kicking car mirrors, the once and only time i ever did this... then me being so inebriated decided that the 30 year old bloke following us wasnt angry, that was just my mate being pissed... so as far as i remember this bloke twatted me one, my mate was a mile down the street by the time i hit the deck, and i wandered along not realising what happened til my mate realised i was covered in blood

i won, i still have his car mirror in my denim jacket :D with the blood stains

im only young, but when i apologise for length you will be jealous
(Adam Mack, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 0:24, Reply)

The local scumbags
From around where I live once tried to mug me. I was 8, on a rusty old bike from my grandads house and being 8 years old, had only fluff in my pockets.

They picked me up by the ankles and shook me upside down, like you see on cartoons. I started giggling because I quite enjoyed this game. Anyway I farted in glee and as my arse was quite close to their horrible acne infested faces they got a full whiff of the foul pong from my arse.

It must have been pungent as they dropped me as soon as I guffed and ran away saying 'aww that stinks' or something along those lines.

I was going over to my mates house, and the two muggers were his cousins who waited outside his backdoor for me. Brilliant.

Both now live at Her Majesty's pleasure.
(PieEater, Fri 16 Jun 2006, 0:20, Reply)