The morning after a party
A friend of mine was talking to his ex of nearly a year, who he'd spent the last couple of months failing to get over. Still drunk (as continuous booze for 12 hours will do for you) and with things between them awkward, he kept nudging her whenever she turned away, leading to this hillarious exchange:

"Sam, just FUCK OFF, you're really annoying me"
"Ah, there was a time when you didn't mind me poking you"

We all laughed, but I don't think they've spoken since.
( Whillow, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 13:47, Reply)

Pilonidal arseache....
....is nothing to do with wiping. Had it twice in 14 months (recurrence), 2nd time they carved a lump out and gave me a fortnight off work - smart!!

Shame the scar isn't one i can show off....
(InfiniteZenMaster, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 13:27, Reply)

Pilonidal Sinuses
Been there, done that. Cut out, sewn together. A little unhappy that doctor didn't make a nice clean join, but I ain't had trouble since.
So what was the point of this post? Felt left out I spose :(
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 13:25, Reply)

Pilonidal Sinuses
...are not good. Nor are the drugs they give you afterwards, or what they do to you to get rid of them.
(underachiever, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 12:54, Reply)

Tell me about...
...3 days in bed after having the Pilonidal Sinus out :( Lots of codeine for a week and Im flying... :D

...7 days later the codeine runs out...then the cold sweats start COLDTURKEY
(The Mysterious 5.0, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 12:50, Reply)

you were right
I shouldn't have looked that up .. .now I'm scared I might get it . . . . words to the wise . . . . wipe properly . . . and for ye curious yet lazy fuckers and fuckeresses out there . . . .

www.worldwidewounds.com/2003/december/Miller/Pilonidal-Sinus.html
(The Cats Twat, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 12:40, Reply)

Two words...
Pilonidal sinus.

Look it up if you dare.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 4:16, Reply)

Bacon alight
Once while my freinds had stayed over and i took it upon myself to make breakfast for them (i was 17) and being cocky i proclaimed "i can make the best toasted bacon sandwiches ever."

Toasted is true

Five seconds after i put the bacon in i realised that it hadnt been cleaned in aggggggggessss, the fat alights and the fucking oven was gets burned from the inside out, cue me wrenching the grill out of the oven and chucking it (flaming and all) into the rain outside.

After much panting and flapping i proceed to inform my friend "my mums gonna kill me, this oven is new, actually nearly everything is new, the oven, the fridge, the kettle and the toaster" as soon as the last line was uttered the slice of toast i put in earlier proceded to pop out of the toaster, burnt to a crisp

The dial had been whacked when i was running around trying to wet a tea towel to tackle the fire

No need, safty first
(Jenovaschild, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 1:26, Reply)

bloody russians
went out with a russian girl at uni.. no need
she called me drunk to get her after a week of going out ... no need
when i got there I had to help her go to the toilet she was that pissed NO NEED!
( SiX and his hat, Sat 18 Jun 2005, 0:31, Reply)

Gay bondage model shoots hungover ARE NOT GOOD.
I model on a kinky website on the intarweb, depicting lads tied up.
I'm from up North, and the guy who does the tie is from dirty dirty Essex.. and so it makes sense that I stay over so we get a long time to do the shoot.
The night before the shoot, copious amounts of vodka, and very unwisely whisky both combined with coke (the combination of which being a surefire path to Chunksville) are guzzled, with a break for a Big Mac meal at the local McDonalds.
I drink rather more than is strictly necessary and get back to his swigging Smirnoff Red out the bottle and talking complete nonsense.

Cue the next morning, I wake up and smell something odd, I see something odd. A huge pool of very dark brown with the consistency of treacle, with large bits of white stuff in it.. yum! Half digested McDs combined with booze.. all over myself, the futon and cushions. I also have a huge bump on my head which transpires to be from when i walked into a doorway which I don't strictly remember whatsoever.

My mate helps clean up, and then says we need to get on with the kink. I'm feeling frikkin horrible, aching all over, and on the brink of being sick again, and plead for something simple and not painful.

So... the waking in my own smelly beef and booze barf, and all round pain evidently not being enough, he decides the first tie to be this:



Yup, the most intensely arm bending hogtie variant I'd ever been put in.. it bloody hurt the second he put me in it, and then proceeded to tickle the fuck out of me relentlessly while i spouted some quite vulgar vocabulary.

Head like a floaty brick?! Agonising rope bondage pain!? NO NEEEEED!

..and especially no need for pink hair.
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 23:57, Reply)

surgical fun
well, i'm fairly lucky in that i've avoided any major operations, but here goes -
whe i was six, i managed to get a serious gash to the head, so got rushed to hospital. you'd think that a 6-year-old with a large, bloody head wound would warrant some attention, wouldn't you? well, eight hours later, i finally did...
of course, when a 6-year-old child wih a big head wound is screaming like a mentalist because he's shit scared of needles, you'd just put him out with anaesthetic, wouldn't you? no, the cunts decide to make my parents sit on me, to keep me still. fortunately, i got a local anaesthetic for that one...
when i was twelve, similar thing happened in france. slipped over in a swimming pool, gashed my head on a stone step. hurt like fuck, it did. so - they get a surprisingly efficient french doctor out to see me, who turns up in about four minutes (i did say efficient). takes one look at my wound, brings a vodka over from the bar (about 10 yards away). i'm thinking 'ok - the alcohols gonna clean that up nicely, but it'll sting lika a cnut'. anyways, he bolts the vodka down, whips a needle and thread out, and starts stitching. bear in mind, that i was an overweight ginger 12-year-old boy, wearing speedos. a crowd gathered for that one. fucking french scavengers. scum, the lot of 'em.
fuck length.
( nowhere.elysium Exploder of cats, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 21:05, Reply)

Ulcerated Stomach anyone?
I got an ulcer. How is not relevant. Suffice it to say, its not a nice thing. So, I am suffering through it with all the dignity I can muster...no sleep, eating bland stuff like toast...etc, etc.

One friday night I am preparing to just sit around and relax and the thing flares up like its tring to make up for lost time and I decide "Right, its off to the hosital for me!" So I get to the hospital emergency room, on a friday night at the height of summer. The place is CRAZY busy. Kids coming in with bloody wounds, auto accidents...it starts to become apparent that my stomach problem is not a priority. FOUR HOURS in the Emergency Room waiting area. No need for that!

Then, after all that pacing (I couldnt sit still and be comfortable) I get in to see the Doctor. His first question? "You're in pain aren't you?" No need for that!

His second question? "Why didnt you take a pain reliever?" DEFINITELY no need for that.

He hands me some pills (Codine, definite need for that) and some Prevacid. He tells me "Dont take the codine until you are about 5 minutes from your house" and I proceed to walk out the door and before turning the key in my ignition, I popped one of those babies. I remember leaving the parking lot. The rest is just blissfully pain and memory free.

No apologies for length, it was only one tiny blue pill...sheesh
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 19:55, Reply)

The joys of stabby things
Staying with my gf and her brother one night, the air of slightly drunken loveliness descended into one of utter terror and violence. She took exception at something I said (and to this day I do not know what) and punched me in the face.

Me, being the lovely girl I am, refrained from punching her, and twatted a wall instead.

Five days later, my doctor looks at my hand and says 'Hm. I think it's broken.'

I am terrified of surgery, but doctor bloke ensures me I'll be fine and the operation will only take ten minutes and one incision.

Five huge fucking scars and three hours later and I am considering suing both my girlfriend's parents AND their wall.
(sporky, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 19:18, Reply)

Is this hell?
Wake up on Monday morning with a bastard cold and spend the day feverish and shivering. Due to my fever, I curl up in a ball in bed that night and have to spend the next day with evil bastard back pain *and* a cold.On the day of one of my GCSE's.
It gets better.
The next day, I've still got a cold and another GCSE. Day afterwards, I reckon I have the cold beat. I celebrate (after yet another fucking GCSE) only to come down with some evil bastard sore throat which means I can hardly swallow. Finally, a hastily booked doctors appointment with an evil doctor reveals that not only can they not give me anything for my throat, but that I also have an ear injection.
Reeling from pain and shock, I wander down to the bus stop to get the bus two miles back to my house. Where the bus promptly drives past me, leaving me with a 30 minute wait in the freezing cold for another one.

It's been a bad week.
(The Mysterious ., Fri 17 Jun 2005, 19:12, Reply)

Insurance bastards.
Bit of a story, but last June I started losing vision in my left eye. Thought I'd just scratched my cornea putting in a contact lens, so I went to my optometrist. Begin long line of referrals from opto to retinal specialist to opthamologist to neurologist. Keep in mind I had NO INSURANCE at the time, was paying for all visits out of pocket, because my company that I worked for were a bunch of wankers and fucked up my paperwork. I had to wait until September for my insurance to take effect. Once it did, I had EP testing and an MRI done and enough blood drawn to float a boat and some other tests, which under my ins. plan were covered 100%. In November I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, which was really hard to deal with - my mum has it too, and hers is pretty advanced. I've watched here steadily decline since her diagnosis 10 years ago. Then I got this sweet little letter from the hospital saying my insurance company hadn't paid for any of my testing, like they'd sent me letters saying they would. I said 'WTF'? And called them... turned out they've ruled I had a pre-existing condition (which is illegal, by the way, since I didn't have ins before I started their coverage) and they didn't bother to inform me of this. My debts that I didn't know I had to pay were sent to collections.

So to sum, paid $1,000 for what I thought was a contact lens mishap, got diagnosed with MS, while reeling from that was told 'Sorry, sucks to be you, have fun paying that $9,000 that we were supposed to cover - in addition to your meds, that will be over $12,000 per year.' And now my credit is fucked.

Fucking twunts. (Also, while I did not have to listen to Dido during my MRI,(they wouldn't let me have music! i asked!) they fucked up my IV and I bled everywhere, and the valium I took so I wouldn't freak out didn't kick in until after they took me out of the machine - and the techs were making fun of me for being skurred of needles while i was gushing blood all over the floor.)
(Sarahfax, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 19:06, Reply)

There's really no need for this website ...
www.fish-face.blogspot.com/

Sick I tell thee. Sick.
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 18:58, Reply)

First night in "jail"
Me and 2 mates were taking a few days off from university (in Belfast) to visit Dublin. Parked the car in a nice side road and strolled of in search of a hotel. Came back 40 minutes later to find the car window had been smashed and a few things stolen. No need for that you think? One police officer already waiting at the car, we followed him to the police station to sort things out. Trying to get a hotel turns out to be impossible (cup night, but how should we know?), all hotels booked. 6pm is no time to get the car repaired, so we ended up in "jail", sleeping in one of the cells in said police station. No need for that.
We had quite a few drinks that night in order to wash down the anger, but imagine coming back to the police station only to find totally different police officers (shifts changed in the meantime) and explain to them that you are meant to sleep in that cell over there! No need for that indeed!
Turned out ok in the end, we told them about the nice female police officer (Thanks, Bernadette, we will never forget you) who had allowed us to sleep in the cell in the first place.

Sorry for length!
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Fri 17 Jun 2005, 18:48, Reply)

on holiday
when I was younger, at a beach in France. Had a platform some distance out in the sea that people were diving off, so me and my brother swim over and have a go. After a while it becomes apparent some French kid is trying to piss us off by waiting to jump in after us and get salt water in our eyes. So I sat around a while, waiting for him to jump in so I can do the same to him.

Eventually he does, so I jump in after him. But as he rises to the surface I hit him - I think I broke his arm, but being English I couldn't understand what the French people were jabbering on about, so I snuck away.
(Angry Pierre likes his Guinness, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 18:20, Reply)

Only had this one today. Wank.
OK, so next month Im going on holiday to Newquay with my friends. I had every intention of saving like a beaver and having shitloads of money. My paycheque for may was a fantastic £330, which upped my balance to about 500 quid.

Now, Ive never been very good at handling money (burning major holes in pockets), and Id just got a new debit card. That reduced the balance considerably. Then, I found an old cheque hadnt been cashed yet, and suddenly took a £125 chunk out. Then car tax, another £110. All of this I havent realised, until I check my balance. Fucksocks.

Then I go to go out, and my dad asks me how much I have, I say £120 (honest belief). Hes a bank manager, so can check. And had done so, saying I only had £60. Car insurance. So now Im shitting myself, as I will only get paid £200 at the end of the month, at most. And I cant get any more overtime that will be paid towards this month. Car insurance will go out again, leaving me with just that £200. I need a £50 cash deposit for the holiday. £150. And I need to pay some of the petrol costs when I drive. Fuck knows how much thatll be.

For 7 days, Ill have next to no drinking money, let alone food.

So what was there no need for? My parents, despite knowing all this, put a cheque Id paid to them into their account this week.
Now I only have £37. Cunts!

Apologies for length and uninterestingness, but the doctor said I needed the extension for medical reasons.
(costie, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 18:18, Reply)

Woo-hoo!
Bicycling along, I failed to notice the minor irregularity in the pavement, and to my surprise, over I went! People gathered and tried to help, but I waved them off with my painful, bloody hands. Embarrassed, I bent over to adjust my socks, inadvertently pointing my arse to traffic. Just then, two young lasses passed by in an open red sports car, blond tresses blowing in the breeze, and they shouted: Woo-hoo!

Please!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 18:05, Reply)

On holiday in Portugal...
...having the time of my life at a villa with about 15 friends. Get thrown drunkenly in the pool one night and hit the bottom teeth first, resulting in a rather smashed set of nashers.
After falling asleep (in complete denial - hoping that I'll wake up and it was all a dream) I awoke soaking wet (hadnt changed out of clothes), missing 2 front teeth, covered in blood and with green marker pen all over my face.

Found out weeks later my sympathetic friends had fished my missing teeth out of the pool, placed them on my unconcious cheek, drawn all over my face then held my mouth open with cutlery whilst they took photographs of my shattered gob. Thanks then. Cunts.
(son of crazymum, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 17:20, Reply)

MRI tube listening to Dido? Pah!
I once had to undergo brain surgery, the doctor ignored my choice of "general" and gave me a local anasthetic, and to cap it off, he played "Achy-breaky heart" in a vain attempt to drown out the noise of the drill cutting through my skull!
This story is also the worst one to tell when you are trying to chat up lasses.
( Geordie Al, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 17:17, Reply)

Fasthosts Internet (No) Service Provider
It was alittle while ago as soon after this episode I dropped them as our company's webhost, but during a time of severe technical crisis that they claimed was in no way related to their recent upgrade of the server I was on hold on their helpline for a full 40 minutes. The on-hold music was:

The theme to Star Wars
The Lion Sleeps Tonight
The Birdie Song
Itsy-bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini

...on a loop, down the telephone.

Needless to say when one of their fuckwit support staff did take my call I was not in a good mood.
( Squid Ink should be stored upright in a cool, dark place, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 17:00, Reply)

Oh nooooo
In the heady days of money and cocaine (neither of which I have now) mates and I where having a jolly at a reputable private members club in Soho. Alas I had no marching powder, so a said chum kindly offered that he would leave a line out in the rather sanzy loos. Que my turn, I totter off to the lav, pretty hazy on absinthe martinis, and enter the cubicle. Sure enuf their is a small square of toilet paper on the marble recess in the wall. I roll, bend over, insert head into recess to commence hovering when the truth dawns:

Not a recess, but a hand dryer well.

It looked like I had been trying to make pasta in that loo.

Hey-ho
(louche_boy, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 16:59, Reply)

i know its bad for m to reply here.
www.b3ta.com/questions/noneedforthat/post33736/

but i would just like to take this opportunity to say that your a fuckwit who should learn to live a little. if you cant afford a fucking door for a mini (heh, nice car, for a hairdresser)then you dont have that good a job really do ya mate? i cant help but get the feeling that you are aybe a little jealous of this guy because he manages to actually ENJOY his life instead of being the wage slave in a dead end job you most clearly are. shooting holes in his hull is a fucking stupid petty minded dumb thing to do. and there was really no need for it. why dont you chill the fuck out and sort your own life out before critising other people.

cunt
( Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 16:55, Reply)

Kill me, kill me now...
Yesterday i had no less than THREE GCSE exams (None of which i had revised for). I woke up late having been unable to sleep the night before, and in my rush to be ready on time, i decided the best thing to eat very early in the morning would be half a sour grapefruit and a cup of coffee.
Cue me at 9:00, sitting in a science exam with the worst indigestion imaginable, trying to remember what the hell the formula is to find out accelaration.
As a result of this i could barely eat anything during the break between the exams, and had my stomach rumbling through the 2 hour Law exam that followed.
This was followed by a 2 hour food-tech exam (and incase you didn't know, staring at a picture of a cheesecake for this long really doesn't help hunger pangs at all).
I finally get out of school at school at 6:00 after a fun-filled 9 hours, only to find that my mum won't be able to pick me up for another half an hour.
But what there was REALLY no need for was when i got in the car and she said:
"We're having egg and chips for dinner".
Bleurgh.
(PAMPAMPAM, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 16:32, Reply)

Ribs
I bruised my rib last year by falling on a mate's knee during a viscious struggle (he was trying to steal my shoe). It was a bit sore, but nothing spectacular until about a week later when a particulaly intrasient turd caused a bit of excess straining. Something popped and intese pain and quite a lot of breathlessness convinced me it was probably time to take a little trip to casualty. Not only did I have to explain exactly how i had injured myself to a pretty young A&E doctor but it turned out i had both broken my rib and punctured a lung. By shitting too hard. I'm a minor medical marvel.

EDIT: that's not really on topic is it. Sod it, it's a good story.
(donksta, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 16:27, Reply)

I went to a theme park when I was 9
..had a fantastic time on the rides, got given food and had a visit from Donald Duck and Goofy. Spoiled slightly by some pop superstar furiously rogering my anus as I puked from too much of his 'special Vimto'.

Now, there was definitely no need for that.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Fri 17 Jun 2005, 16:03, Reply)

There is really NO NEED no need AT ALL
... to type a hugely long and boring response to this QOTW only to finish with a completely unfunny remark about length or girth! Oh God, now you've bloody made me do it too!!
(Mad McMad, Fri 17 Jun 2005, 15:57, Reply)