My first love
Lucy and I were inseparable. We used to go for long walks together and I'd spend hours stroking her back, which she loved. She was absolutely beautiful, slim figure, gorgeous eyes and long, golden hair. She was popular too - to know her was to love her. Whereas I was kind of shy and awkward, but that didn't bother Lucy, she latched onto me straightaway and we were best friends right from the moment we met.

I think the physical attraction was there right from the start too, but I was in my early teens and sexual stirrings were only just beginning to happen; I didn't really understand what I was feeling. She was more advanced than me, and from the very first time we play-wrestled, she enthusiastically tried to snog me. I resisted at first, but I soon let her put her tongue in my mouth. I was happier than I'd ever been, we were made for each other, and I thought we'd be together forever.

I was devastated when I found out she'd been having sex with Max - I actually caught them in the act. I couldn't understand what she saw in him, he was scruffy, dirty, stupid and ugly. I ran home crying and I didn't go round to see her for weeks. If I saw her on the street I just blanked her and walked by. I could tell she was upset, she had that pining look in her eyes. But I was still hurting and I didn't want anything to do with her.

Eventually I forgave her, I decided that it wasn't her fault, she required more than just friendship, she had needs. She was a bitch but I loved her, and from now on I would take care of all her sexual desires. Tragically, I realised this too late - when I went round to make it up with her I was told that she'd caught distemper and had to be put down.

Sometimes when I masturbate it almost seems like I can feel her licking my balls again.
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 23:49, Reply)

A mate of mine - Lets call him Jim....
...nicest guy you can meet, and had one thing that me and my mates didn't - morals. He always said he'd lose it to "somebody who is completely honest to him, somebody who trusts me, somebody who wouldn't lie to me". Up steps Jessica.

Jessica was - I'll be honest - short, fat, and not the prettiest thing in the world. In fact, she had a face like a slapped arse. But my mate Jim was happy - Jessica was known in our ultra conservative school to have actually performed the art of oral sex on a man. The filthy slapper.

Cue a drunken teenage party around at Jessica's farm (yes, farm). Jim sat down with me and said "I'm going to do it, I'm going to have sex with Jessica.". He would of been the 7th out of our group of 10 to have sex, I was still Virgo Intact. I gave him one of my condoms.

I watched Jim whisper naughty things into Jessica's ear, and Jessica's eyes light up with a naughty delight. She giggled, grabbed Jim, and led her upstairs. I looked on with a wierd emotion - envy because he would be sex weeing into a girl before me, and pride because - well - Jim was that nice a guy.

However, that niceness doesn't make what I'm about to divulge any less funny.

First there was a large thud, then Jim screamed "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!?", then Jessica saying "OOPS! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!!"

I locked eyes with my mate Dave, both of us displaying the internationally recognised facial signal of "What the fuck?" on our faces.

Our questioned was answered shortly later with the now-one-legged Jessica hopping down the stairs in a hurry, with Jim brandishing a wooden leg, saying "WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS!?!?", Jessica screaming "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!?!?!?". Jim threw the leg and it missed Jessica, but it smashed the front door glass.

Jim calmed down, and now he sees the funny side of this. Jessica was more honest about people, and now she's married.

To this day, Jim has yet to rip up his V-Plates. He wants a girl to be honest. Woe betide any woman who is not.

Especially if she has a wooden leg.

Apologies for length, but I have sanded it down to a smooth finish.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 14:58, Reply)

2 stories for this one
First one is a much-shortened repost of my one for Greatest Regrets, in which I helped a very close, very attractive female friend with her computer (which was sporked), and she went off for a shower. And came back only in underwear. Being the imbecile I am, not only did I have a girlfriend, I also didn't completely realise what her massaging my shoulders and rubbing herself against me meant. She was (and still is, apparently) a virgin. Although now she is at university and trying the lesbian stick. Not completely homo though, as a drunken text I got last week would suggest.
The next one is about my very good friend Ciaran. I have no qualms about using his name as he only ever comes on QOTW to read the Best Of, so unless you click 'I like this' he'll never read it.
Anyway me and the other godhead in our particular triumvirate started a rumour that he had the biggest penis known to man. Horses wouldn't be able to cope. And at our insistence, (and the agreement of his mother at his 18th birthday party), this rumour became common knowledge.
Now, Ciaran was a good Catholic boy, and no-one but his mother had ever seen his todger, especially not a girl. However, he had his heart set on one particular girl, the delectable Kate (named changed as she is lovely. Ciaran isn't). The entire rumour was started in order to make her fall in love with him, or to simply pique her curiousity so she wants to discover for herself (eye-to-eye, if you will), what he was carrying around in his y-fronts.
Did she? Did she heck. Before the rumour, she was wondering whether or not she liked him; post-rumour she had decided she didn't want to be ripped in half and spurned his advances.
Thanks to our intervention, he now studies a very boring subject at uni and is a major fan of Thunderbirds.
Regard this as my public apology for you remaining a virgin, mate.
( Dave the Mighty, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 17:40, Reply)

You know that look girls get when you're definitely in with a chance?
No, me neither. And that's why I was 18 before I lost mine.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 14:03, Reply)

Hopefully I won't be a virgin for long!

I put an ad in the paper trying to meet people with similar interests. So I mentioned my interest in sports (particularly swimming), and love of jazz (mostly jazz singing rather than instruments).

You'd think hardly anyone would share both interests, given that they don't have much to do with each other.

But it turns out there's a whole group of people who get together regularly who are all into watersports and scat! Wish me luck!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 10:42, Reply)

Damn you Bacon Fries
I was in the pub with some friends, enjoying a packet of Bacon Fries. After finishing them, I proceeded to cover my nose and mouth with the bag and breathe in and out, inhaling the bacony goodness. A girl came over and asked if I hyperventilated, because she did. Had I been sober, I would've realised this was her attempting to chat me up. As it was, I laughed at her and told her I just enjoyed sniffing crisp packets.

She went back over to her table and started to cry, presumably because she'd made a fool of herself. What made it worse was that she looked over and for some reason I gave her a thumbs up. She sheepishly gave me one back while fighting back the tears.

Good times.
(terrorbite, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 20:35, Reply)

Emma
I was quiet when I was young. Not shy, but just didn't see the point of saying anything if I didn't have anything worthwhile to say. This is a terrible problem when trying to chat up girls, especially when attempting to talk to Emma for the first time. She had long, blond hair, big blue eyes and a fantastic body (even though we were both about 10 years old, she still had a perfect figure). So we devised a plan, 'we' being myself, Greg, Steve and Brian: I'd phone her up and ask her if she'd like to go and watch a film with me. The four of us set up an amazingly elaborate script which covered all eventualities; every conceivable twist in the conversation was covered - no matter what Emma said, we were confident we'd have a pre-prepared answer. The time came to make the call. I had the several sheets of A4, Greg, Steve and Brian were listening on the extension so that they could hear how things went and could point to the relevant part of the script if I lost control of things, and the most nerve-wracking call of my life began.....

Me: Hi Emma
Emma: Hi Jerry. How're you
Me: Fine thanks. Just wondered if you'd like to go see a film on Friday
Emma: Sure. Shall I come over to your place for about seven o'clock?
Me: That sounds good. See you on Friday.
Emma: Bye


I'm so astounded at how easy it all was that I'm stunned into silence. A silence which is filled by Greg, et al yelling things down the extension like, "You've nailed her", "You're gonna have your hands inside her knickers within a minute" and "She's gonna be sucking you like a whore" together with other unsavoury comments.

Emma: I'm still here you know. I'm never going to speak to you ever again.

And she didn't.
( Fr_Jerry_McGwier looked over both shoulders at, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 17:15, Reply)

My story..
I'd waited so long to lose my V Plates. That Tuesday finally rolled round, and I had everything prepared, but I just couldn't hit the button. The fear of everyone shouting "n00b" and "read the FAQ" at me was just too terrifying.
(The Who Bird is eating Jaffa Cakes on, Sat 28 Oct 2006, 14:05, Reply)

I'm amazed I forgot this one. It came up in conversation yesterday and I had to add it
My friend Mark (named changed to protect the filthy bugger) has Crohns Disease. Now, for those of you who don't know of the disease, it causes ulcers on the digestive system. Peristalsis then hurts. A lot.
Anyway it comes and goes in waves, and my friend Mark was in the middle of a bad patch. Every time he ate he was in agony, and he couldn't even use drink to numb the pain as the alcohol just aggravated the symptoms.
Flash to a party. It's the summer of 2005, he's aged 17, and he's hornier than a mountain goat with surgically enlarged... you get the picture.
The party is at the house of a good friend, who I shall call Carly. As everyone else drank, me and Mark stayed sober (I can never drink when I'm with him as it makes me feel bad), and after a few hours, Carly comes up to Mark and comes onto him. They canoodle for a while, his hands disappearing up her top from time to time. They disappear. Twenty minutes later she comes rushing downstairs, screaming.
So what had happened?
They went to her mother's bedroom, and there she decided to take his virginity, telling him so. Dear Mark was naked within four seconds flat. They canoodled naked, and a spot of mouth-to-genital action occurred. Then it got bad. Mark wanted sex, Carly wanted sex, Mark's Crohns disagreed. Racked with pain, but ignoring it because he was about to get his end away, Mark got a condom, and began to do the deed.
As the pain gets worse, Mark gets a bit more staccato with his movements, so Carly decides she wants to go on top. This happens for about thirty seconds, and Mark is getting close. However her weight is really hurting his intestines, where most of his ulcers are, so he flips her onto her back and begins the vinegar strokes.
Crohns causes diarrhoea. Moments before he has his first inside-woman orgasm, Mark's bowels open. What can only be described as noxious effluent from the deepest pits of hell expels itself from his now-burning ring-hole.
It sprays on the bed, it sprays on the floor, it sprays on Carlys mother's wardrobe. Worst, some of it dribbles down and onto Carly. Who doesn't realise what it is, and at first thinks the condom split in a really odd way.
Mark realises first. Pulls out, and tries to waddle to the en-suite, now uncomfortable because he's majorly unsatisfied, still gushing from his behind. So now there is a trail of shite in the bedroom. Finally he plonks his arse down and much splashing ensues.
Carly is still lying on her back, fairly oblivious, until the long-drawn out splashing from the bathroom suggests something isn't right. The smell hits her. She looks down, screams, screams some more, and runs out of the room stark naked, shit covering her.
They had to redecorate the bedroom, the hallway from where Carly spread it, and then recover the seat she sat herself down in.
Needless to say, we were never invited back there.
Apologies for length. He still hasn't properly had to.
( Dave the Mighty, Tue 31 Oct 2006, 15:26, Reply)

Vodka is a cruel mistress
When I was in sixth for I went to MedSim, think of it as a 4-day grooming session for wannabe doctors, learning stuff like how to take a patients history, how to suture and how to ace your interview.

On the 4th night, we all go for a booze cruise and a huge party starts. Every person going, including some of the lecturers, all decended on the girls dorm.
Now, I was about 16 when I went and I wasn't a big drinker, so when we start doing all the old drinking games I got very drunk very quickly.

The next thing I remember I'm in a bed, bollock naked, next to the hottest lass on the course, who's also completely naked. There's a girl sleeping UNDER the bed, a couple more asleep in a chair and a lass curled up under my clothes.

Now the naked girl, an absolute stunner, wakes up and gives me a smile... and my mouth just says the first thing that comes to mind.
"Good night was it?"
I couldn't believe I had done it with this girl and couldn't remember popping my cherry, my head was spinning with possiblities, trying to force the memories to come back.

Her response still rings in my head when I've had one too many.

"We had something special planned for you, but you passed out as soon as we laid you down."

There's only really one thing you can say when you realise you missed out popping your cherry with 5 women, at the same time, in the same bed... FUCK
( Pointy Head poked another hole in my anorak on, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 15:39, Reply)

My grandad..
Always told me that if you had something important to say... wait for a week and see if it was still relevant.

Edit: Great one Grandad.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 31 Oct 2006, 12:51, Reply)

Sorry to Dissapoint.
But a couple of minutes after loosing my virginity at 15 All of my past experiences were instantly wiped from memory as I subconciously prepared for a life-time of shagging-meomories that I would want to remember.

Subsequently, I have no witty tale to tell. :o(

I did once shag a microwaved Water-Melon though.. I thought that the center would be nice and squishy and warm... it was warm. infact.. bloody HOT... and the speedy withdrawl brought tears to my eyes as the rather pointy pips/seeds that had moved out of the way as i entered it decided that they were goign to act as pointy ratchet-pawls on the way out.

So remember. When shagging water-melons:
1. Use a slow warm-up time: don't nuke it for 2 minutes at 900W: The core temp can scald your bell-end before you mange to react.
2. A meat thermometer (no, that's not slang for your cock) can be used to check core-temp.
3. Don't enter it along the core Axis. Infact.. Avoid the core altogether. It is the axis of pip-evil.. If you make your entry parallel to the core-axis, you can bore more holes and re-use the melon more than once.
4. If using a melon more than once as I suggest in step 2... don't come inside it: Microwaving 1-week-old come/melon-juice is... uncool.

Hmm... Got a little bit wierd there... :o/

IF you need to apologise for lack of length, try a cantaloupe: you con't need to buy a bowling-ball bag for the smaller melons and you won't need to convince your mum that you're a bowler.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 31 Oct 2006, 10:07, Reply)

Sore Throat?
I was about 15, and had a fairly bad cold. I had lost my voice a couple of days before, and it was still really sore and though I could speak it was really throaty. I was at school, and about fifteen minutes before the end of lunch, I was walking up towards my form room, when a girl in my class (who for the sake of this I will call Lucy) came up to me and said, "Do you know what's really good for sore throats?" "No," says I. "Cum," says she, "Do you want some help?"

I was slightly at a loss for words.

"Come on," she said, and headed into the disabled toilet. I hesitated, and followed her. She had taken her tie off and had started unbuttoning her shirt, and I knew I was in well over my head...

She pulled my trousers down, and started to suck me off. The worst part was when I came and she kissed me to 'take my medicine'. As I swallowed the stuff (I didn't like it one bit, but I can't deny it did sooth my throat...), she pulled her skirt down, lay on the floor, and said "Come on then,"

I knelt down, my still hard cock ready for it's first proper use...

... and then the fucking bell rang. Lucy pushed me up, pulled her clothes back on, while I stood there still kind of shocked at what was going on. She told me to put my clothes back on, we made sure we were tidy, Lucy rinsed her mouth out in the sink and said I should do the same, and we headed for afternoon registration.

Lucy never gave me another chance, and we never mentioned it again.

Still, it did sort my sore throat out...
(richietheg my dad buries dead people. he's an undertaker., Sat 28 Oct 2006, 21:31, Reply)

So, so many times...
...such as when I bowked rich, brown cider-flavoured vomit over the lovely Julia's milky white breasts at the vital moment.

...such as when I took the equally lovely Debbie to see a band. Ultravox. She fled.

...such as the time I went swimming with the gorgeous Lea, and laughed at her fat arse after she told me not to laugh at her fat arse.

...and, shamefully, completely failing to get the message when the ravenous Mwfanwy spread-eagled herself across the snooker table when I was lining up a shot. I failed to pot the pink, and then failed to pot the pink.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 13:40, Reply)

From the greatest regrets a few weeks back. I still sob to this day
Many years ago when I was a randy teenager avec cherry I was given the perfect opportunity to ditch my V plates - my parents had decided to go on holiday for the first ever time without me and my older brother and so I invited the then girlfriend round.

I was going out with a lovely young lady at the time who was very open, forward, fit and most importantly, filth. After many years of waiting and er, performing solo I was going to get some. Just as long as my brother pissed off and left for the night.

I convinced my big brother to politely fuck off for the evening and leave me and the missus alone. I reckon 5 minutes would have probably done but he agreed to leave for the night - too willingly looking back now.

As soon as he left the house I began getting ready, tidying the house and relieving the pressure with a quick ménage a une when my brother and 3 of his friends burst into my room, pinned me to my bed and proceed to cover my crotch with 3 bottles of green food dye (one would have done, really) and then ran off out the house into my brothers car leaving me with Grotbags' thumb hanging out my pants.

My girlfriend was due round any minute and as this was pre-mobile era, there was nothing I could do to stop her coming round. Being a man, British and proud I did the brave thing and cried like a little girl til the missus came round, hid Orville’s wing tip, dried my eyes and let her in.

She only wanted one thing and pestered me all night but I was too embarrassed to let her know what had happened and instead told her things were moving too fast (smooth) and that we should take our time.

Two days later I was dumped for being a frigid twat. It was a good few months before mini hulk looked more like Dr. Banner again and three years before I finally got some. From green cock to blue balls.

My final regrets are firtly not noticing the flash that went off in the background when my brother and his friends jumped me and secondly taking my camera to the local snappy snaps a few months later to proces what I thought was innocent holiday photos rather than posting the film....
(Let's all have an asbo, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 13:26, Reply)

back passage
Friend of mine had a Polish girlfriend at uni. She was a Catholic and insisted that he would never take her virginity because she was saving that for a future husband.

But she'd let him do her up the coal scuttle as much as he liked because that had no bearing on virginity.

You can imagine his disappointment.
(frankspencer, Tue 31 Oct 2006, 11:55, Reply)

well,
i was in jail, and they made us all go in this big shower room (where we all had to shower). And there was a really big man who came in, he must have been at least 21 feet tall. For some reason when he came in, everyone turned off their showers and went out. I wasnt un-dirty yet, so i stayed in. The guy walks over to me, and PURPOSELY drops his soap! I looked at him. "Are you gonna pick that up?" he said. I sighed and bent over to retrieve it.
I handed it to him with a mild look of annoyance on my face. He thanked me kindley. We are good friends now actually.
(abignumber, Sat 28 Oct 2006, 11:35, Reply)

So near ...
Twas on a family holiday when I was a mere 16 years old. She was a dusky Italian girl with huge dark eyes and a pneumatic body to kill for.

After a few 'dates' we finally got naked. Her ripe young breasts defied gravity; her plump buttocks were perfect fruits; her neatly shaven sanctuary promised that almost mythical tightness of the virgin. And she was wildly up for it, her hand pumping at my swollen ardour with suspicious expertise.

Then, just as the eager bulb of my rock hard cock had squeezed into the hot liquidity of her untried dell, the bells in the local church began to ring and she had a moment of religious guilt.

There we were, just a few inches away from popping her cherry, and she decided that she could not do the deed. So instead she deep-throated my twitching root (again, with practised expertise) until I pumped my ambrosia into her moaning throat.

I went home the next night and never knew the clasp of her deepest secret.
(frankspencer, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 15:28, Reply)

Solution!
Never Fear Spotty ones, I have a line that is sure to work, if all else fails. Fallow this scenario.

----

You: Hello Miss, could I buy you a drink?
Miss: no thanks..
You No problem...sorry to bother, but I do have another question if you don't mind.
Miss: Alright What is it?
You: Does this rag smell of Chloroform to you?
Miss: .......'THUD'.......

-----------

Succes is Absolute!
(Nihlistic_Alchemist Brand the Herd with Fashion, Tue 31 Oct 2006, 19:38, Reply)

Karan
[Edit: FUCKITY! I just re-read the title. "NOT Losing your virginity" - sure I did that loads of times, why would I write about that?.

Anyway, it took me ages to type this lot and I'm happily reminising now, so I'm just going to leave it there even if it is about the wrong topic]


Holy feck, I was 15 and at the start of my sexual awakenings. I had spend the previous 6-12 months deperately snogging and wrestling with girls, trying to touch their boobs, whilst they snogged back and desperately tried to stop me toughing their boobs. It was like some crazy game that if somebody had asked us "Why do you want to touch her boobs?" and "Why do you want to stop him touching them?", we'd both have shrugged and looked at our feet. "I dunno, just do".

We hadn't a fecking clue - but it just felt right (and oh so deliciously wrong).

Anyway, so I was on holdiay and I'd been snogging this girl for 2 weeks (no solidly mind, we did stop for meals and air). After the first day, I reaslised it wasn't going to go past snogging and so I thought "fair enough" and I was happy with my lot.

THEN - about 2 days before the end of the holiday (Bugaria, by the way, very nice) a new plane-load of tourists showed up and one of them was an 18 year old vixen called Karan. From Leeds.

I'd never seen such beauty.

We made friends with Karan - me and my holiday girlfriend - and I thought nothing of it.

One night, Holiday Girlfriend (I can't remember her name - and there's a lesson for you Girls - put out or be forgotten) went out with her parents. Karan and I were left alone playing pool.

"So" she says like it's the most natural thing in the world "Do you want to go back to your room?".

About 0.004 seconds later, we were in my room. I was rubbing her neck from where the whiplash hurt, she was trying to re-attach her arm.

I digress.

So we started snogging. And I thought that was it - nothing more would happen, but she kept going onwards and downwards. I kept thinking "I wonder when she'll stop and tell me that's my lot", but she never did.

I couldn't believe my luck. 5 minutes later I was pumping away like a demeneted freak on a trampoline. After about 45 minutes, she smiled politely and asked me if I was going to come. "Come where?" I thought (I was very un-worldly) "back to the pool hall? No thank you - I'm loving this if it's all the same to you".

Sadly, I don't think I've turned in performance with such stamina ever since. Out of politeness - rather than reaching a natural conclusion - I ended my fun.

I remember lying on the bed afterwards feeling a kind of euphoria that I'd never felt. I was so uncontainably happy. What a feeling - what an unexpected delight - I can't wait to tell everyone!

Then she was crying. Telling me about her boyfriend back home, and how she wanted to lose her virginity to to another virgin, because her boyfirend was so experienced. She thought it would be fine, but now she felt terrible for betraying him.

As I sat there, arm around her, looking symathetic and listening to her, but inside I was screaming "YEAH! WOOO-HOOOO! I DID IT! YAZOOO-KAZOOO-KAKOOOOO! WOP WOP WOP".
(Flickr_Freak is a figment of your imagination., Fri 27 Oct 2006, 16:37, Reply)

£19.95 Cowboy Boots......
About 1979 / 1980, the coolest things about were cowboy boots and tight jeans.
I was never a cool person but decided I would join the cool set.
New boots...Light tan leather...Check.
Tight jeans...Levi's.....Check.
Check shirt....Check.
I looked *soooo* cool.
Off to local party at house of lad who's parents are going through a divorce and are away. Two cans of Lager, Loud music on the "Entertainment Centre". Rather large girl appears who I've seen occasionaly round school. "Necking" starts then tongues then touching. Can't believe my luck.
About an hour later, "You can walk me home if you like, my parents are out tonight". Bloody Hell, I might actually do it for the first time. It's really, really, really going to happen. I can't believe it! Oh bless those boots for making me look so cool! I am a sex God!
Put on some warm clothes for it is winter. commence walking her home stopping every 50 yards (metres for you young'uns) for cuddles and more fumblings. "How far is it to your house?" I ask, toes becoming sore and very pinched. "Not far"..........About two miles further, My feet are in agony, I'm sitting down every few yards. "Not much further"....."Not much further"....."Not much further"....."Not much further"..... Boots off, starts to rain. Feet cold, wet, sore, erection gone, I know I have to walk about three miles home. sobering up....she's not good looking...........I make my excuses and kiss her tenderly goodnight. We go our seperate ways. I sit on a bench and reflect on the night then walk home in the rain. occasionally putting the boots back on when on rough surfaces.... The pleasure of getting home was incredible, I sat and cried with relief. I also cried myself to sleep the next night when I found out my mission had failed at the end of her street................................................As for those pesky boots, the remained in the bottom of the wardrobe for about 18 months before they were thrown away. They had cost me £19.95. They had cost me far more than that. Occasionaly, I may glance into a shoe shop window and see an almost identical pair. The memories of the pain flood back..............................................................DAMN YOU £19.95 LIGHT TAN COWBOY BOOTS.
( Unklian Lives in the only country where "Glass" is a verb., Tue 31 Oct 2006, 9:16, Reply)

I had to go for a walk to the shop and buy a paper while she found the right opening in the mirror.

( Malchick, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 23:26, Reply)

I Saw Jonathan King In HMV
When I was 12. I'll never really know how close it was.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 17:20, Reply)

Stupidity
Through my own short fallings, I have never been able to realise when it is that a girl has taken a shine to me. The immortal words 'Do you want to come for a walk in the woods with me?' She said, in a short skirt and low cut top 'Nah, I've got my new trainers on' says I, without blinking an eye, 2 hours it took for me to realise what she meant.
While performing menial tasks every so often I regress back to that moment, and I die a little inside.
(rhyddman, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 12:52, Reply)

nightmare
i was 13 when my friend and i went out in buxton for the night. i had never snogged anyone before and was quite keen to get some of that action. so we drank 2 bottles of red "thunderbird" (i feel sick just typing the name) and cruised the dodgy pubs until we met some rugger lads.

they told us they were from new zealand - at the vinegar strokes the accent turned out to be ipswich - and after a while, we were snogging 2 of them. they took us back to their guesthouse, punctuated with such charming comments to each other as "this is b0llocks mate, we're not getting any out of them, let's go back to the pub". my friend, who was much more experienced that i was, disappeared into her bloke's room, leaving me with mine. within minutes we could hear both of them moaning. not good.

he was 32. i was 13. he thought i was 18. when he found out i was only 13, he was pissed off because he realised he wasn't going to get a shag. but then he decided that 13 was kinky and he reeeeally liked it. he made me let him "teach" me how to give him a BJ, punctuated by making me look up, stare at him over his c0ck, and say huskily, "i'm 13, i'm only 13". he kept telling me how lovely i was and how lucky i was that he wasn't raping me right about now.

didn't feel too lucky 2 mins later when he shot horrible salty sticky stuff into my mouth and i was so surprised i reared back so it went in my eye... OW...

nor the next morning, when her parents went spare as we'd gotten in at 4am clearly totally hammered. they made us go to church as a punishment. there is nothing like being in a 9am mass, sobering rapidly up, and finding someone's rude hair in your teeth.

i didn't go near another man, or another trouser snake, for the next year! but then i got over it quickly enough, now i love deep throated BJs and purring filthy things whilst keeping eye contact. i will even swallow on a special occasion. still charge extra for it in the eye though...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 11:42, Reply)

Sooooo embarassing
This story is one of infinite shame. Been dating the now Mrs. Savitar, for about a month, and both of us were virgins ( Click "I like this" if you think it's sad that I've slept with no-one but my wife). Anyhoo, after two blowjobs and a handjob ( all three with successful conclusions) she declares "I'm ready, lets do it!". And so with all the eighteen year old vigor I could summon ( Click "I like this" again if you think it's sad that I was 18 before I got laid) I competely failed to get it up. Had to wait another bloody month before I got another crack at her. With great (if somewhat bloody) success. All 12 seconds of it.

The length and the width have never gotten any complaints, but then I'm the only one she's ever had.
(Savitar, Sat 28 Oct 2006, 2:14, Reply)

A not in any way made-up story
I was in the prison shower when Bubba dropped the soap and told me to pick it up. I told him to fuck off and pick it up himself - only later did I realise my faux pas.
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 19:02, Reply)

crappest excuse ever
It was the first year of university when my first near miss happened. I'd just gone to uni straight out of college where I did an I.T GNVQ (several nerdy males staring at PCs all day) and was rather rusty in the art of inter-gender socialising.

I was at the student union bar with some friends when I got chatting to a girl. Next thing you know she's taken me into a corner and whispers into my ear 'want to come back to my place?'.

My heart feels like it's jumped out of my chest at this point; I've waited 19 years for the opportunity and here it is being presented to me on a plate. I was totally oblivious to how these things work at university and had never encountered anything as forward as this. In my mind I was assuming that to pop my cherry I'd at least have some time to work up to 'doing the deed' and prepare for it mentally, a couple of dates or something at least. My next thought was that she must have assumed I knew what I was doing and if I just went back to her house I was pretty sure I would be crap and could never live it down.

All this ran through my head within a split second. I decided to chicken out but I needed to think of a legitimate excuse... the reason being I didn't want to offend her and hopefully I could prepare myself mentally in the near future and take her up on her offer.

What was my killer excuse? "Sorry, I've got the runs". Cue me exit stage right and back to the halls where I instantly regretted a) being such a chickenshit and b) thinking up such a crap excuse.

I did see her around after that and to her credit she managed to make small talk with me on a couple of occasions... but I guess that certain something she saw in me had just dissapeared once she thought I'd turned down a shag for an evening with the porcelain throne.
(bitchman contains mild peril, Sun 29 Oct 2006, 21:56, Reply)

True Story...
Bit of a long one as you have to hear the whole story, it is quite good!

Last summer at the grand old age of 28 and a half (the half isn't really important) I finally got my first girlfriend. She wasn't that attractive but then again I am an ugly bugger so it really didn't matter. We spent a bit of time together getting to know each other and had a little 'fun' and it wasn't going to be too long before we actually did it!! I found out from my mate (who remembered sleeping with her on a drunken night out about three years previously) that she was a bit of a goer!! RESULT!! The little man would finally get some action and she liked it a bit kinky!!

I was due to see her on the weekend as her workshifts didn't allow me to see her for much of that week and on the tuesday I was giving my plums a bit of a scratch and I noticed a lump! Straight up the docs the next day.....the only doc available was a woman!! Great......first person to actually see my little man and knackers was a middle aged GP! Anyways, she didn't like what she felt and saw and an emergency appointment was made at the hospital for an ultrasound! This confirmed every man's worst fears, a possible tumour! No sooner had I got homefrom the hospital following the ultrasound, I had a phonecall from the consultant asking me to go for an emergency appointment the next day to discuss treatment! Worst case scenario again, my left nut had to come off.......This was on the Friday, I was asked to come in on Monday for an orchidectomy (nut removal) on the Tuesday. In light of this news I completely forgot about that weekend's plans.......

Suffice to say, operation went well and I was in no fit state to do anything for quite some time due to the fact that the wound in my groin took an age to heal. I hadn't heard from this girl and it wasn't until my mate came to see me that I actually remembered about her....He asked if we had managed to get it on before the op..........

I rang her and told her about what had happened and that I was getting better and would like to see her again as soon as I was able (bearing in mind this was about 2 weeks after our supposed weekend of doing it). She told me to 'get to fuck' but said that at least i got 11 out of 10 for my excuse as she hadn't heard that one before!!

Denied sex by a cancerous testicle!! What are the chances?

By the way, I am OK now, nearly 30 and still a virgin.....any girls reading this want to pop my cherry?
(jidler changed his name on, Sat 28 Oct 2006, 23:02, Reply)

i lost my virginity just recently
i met my girlfriend 7 years ago, it wasn't long before she told me she didn't believe in sex before marriage. now that was fine by me cos she was really great and the idea of abstaining before marriage had been one i'd thought about before.

anyway, we got married this july, at the tender ages of 24 and sex is fucking great!

apologies for lack of humour.
( Spunky McPunk not dead yet, Fri 27 Oct 2006, 17:37, Reply)