What was the highlight of your weekend?
If it was shit, make something up. I personally ran as fast as I could from here to the top of Mount Snowdon, hit three massive bongs and flew back down in my Eurofighter, executing a stylish three-point landing in the beer garden at The Bell where I had fried chicken and curly fries with half a shandy. Then I went home and wanked myself into oblivion to the omnibus edition of Eastenders.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:13, 250 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I could talk about it but then I'd have to kill you

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Because it's top secret
or because it's so horrifically tedious I'll be begging you to lop my nutsack off with a rusty cleaver?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:16, Reply)

A little from column A, a little from column B

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:33, Reply)

This
And a GIR hoodie was involved
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:03, Reply)

At least he'd be walking evenly.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:21, Reply)

I got drunk with friends
That's about it really.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:16, Reply)

This isn't a justifiable reason for wishing everyone goodnight on Facebook.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:17, Reply)

I was fucking hammered at the time

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:20, Reply)

This is a slightly more justifiable reason for wishing everyone goodnight on Facebook.
Should be followed by "I fucking love you!"
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:23, Reply)

The highlight of my weekend
was having a jam with my daughter. I set up her new drumkit on Friday night and we had a little go, with me accompanying on guitar. We're going to be BIG. Working band name: 'The Brown Stripes'.

If anyone wants to buy shares in our future earnings and 'get in on the ground floor' gaz me yeah.

My other highlight of the weekend came this morning. In my block there is a charming arrangement whereby anyone wanting to get rid of something (such as a chair, books etc.) leaves it in the ground floor stairwell for a few days before slinging it, to see if anyone wants it first. By this method, today I came by TEN CANS OF FUCKING BEER. How smart is that?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:20, Reply)

That is insane!
How could you ever have "spare" beer?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:23, Reply)

I know.
I think it may be a trap of some kind.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:24, Reply)

Or perhaps
it was someone bringing in their shopping and you arrived at a critical time?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:26, Reply)

It was 7am.
There was nothing else there, and no-one around at all. It's most mysterious.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:36, Reply)

Who cares then?
You have free beer and this should be celebrated via the medium of dance
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Really?
It's not Carling Black Label is it? Because giving it away seems a bit cruel on the person who takes it.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:28, Reply)

Draught Guinness.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:36, Reply)

Well in that case it's totally understandable
Guinness is fucking disgusting.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:39, Reply)

I'm glad you're here, you fat bender.
Jan 22nd. Curry.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:40, Reply)

That sounds do-able
I'll see if the wife is free.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:45, Reply)

Seems the gaz post is being slow
My invite from you has yet to arrive.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:50, Reply)

How strange.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:52, Reply)

I know
Were it not for the fact that I know you would like my presence there, I might take umbrage.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:54, Reply)

Once fatty's checked with his wife I'm going to request confirmations and then book.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:00, Reply)

Agreed, can't stand the stuff

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:42, Reply)

I can drink one pint - the idea of a night on it is not one I'd entertain, mind.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:45, Reply)

It's the day after that's the problem.
You have to have a couple of good books.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Went to the Guiness factory in Dublin as part of a stag do last year
I could barely drink half of the free pint. Foul stuff.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Same!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:52, Reply)

You also went to the Guinness factory in Dublin as part of a stag do last year?
What are the chances of that?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:53, Reply)

Haha, whoops!
I meant I can't stand the shit, even from the factory.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:55, Reply)

There's Guiness factory in Dublin?
Damn, I spent the entire time running around the post office on O'Connell street making machine gun noises.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:56, Reply)

Hahahah
I spent the whole of MY visit wandering around a bog weeping and babbling incoherently, with half a mouldy potato in my grubby hand.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:59, Reply)

In it for the craic
but do you have a craic pipe?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:03, Reply)

I always carry two.
Just to be sure, to be sure.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:19, Reply)

*groan*
Why did I laugh at that?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Because you are an oaf?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Indeed I am!
As my daughter insists on calling me all the time now
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:36, Reply)

you could try cooking with it.
I wouldn't mind having a go at the beef in beer that LiC has mentioned.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:59, Reply)

My brother drinks it. I'll give it to him.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:01, Reply)

My dad does a good beef in guinness
he might even have given me the recipe at some point.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:21, Reply)

Saturday was pretty good, lost valiantly at poker then went to the pub.
Got asked to be a best man in a wedding in Hong Kong next year.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:26, Reply)

Who by, your cousin Kim Jong Il?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Nah my mate he's marrying a chink
not one you buy though.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:39, Reply)

You always end up paying for it one way or another.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:41, Reply)

He's marrying into money at least.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:41, Reply)

Saw a mate's band on Saturday
They're a bit Kyuss-crossed-with-Melvins-with-added-mental, and comprise solely of a bassist and a drummer. They're rather good though.
Then I got drunk with a colleague and his charming girlfriend, discussed porn, won a fiver on the quiz machines (then lost it again) and had an awesome time.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 9:40, Reply)

lots of great things this weekend
but with the unintentional comedy that hallmarks most of my life, i have to laugh at this morning. i banged into the friend that i deleted from fb and whom i haven't spoken to since she was really offensive before christmas (we normally speak at least 3 times a week). 2,000,000 commuters into zone 1 and i manage to bang into her. anyway, she stopped me and hugged me. i was running a bit late for work, and still v mad with her, so i started to tell her that it was not a good time.

"i'm really sorry," i began icily.

"oh, oh me too. i'm so glad you said that, i'm really sorry too...."

so we ended up having a ridiculous hugging tearful (her, not me) girly make-up session in the middle of holborn. but the annoying thing is, i'm not sorry. i'm not even a tiny bit sorry. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:05, Reply)

pffft. that sounds hilarious and silly at the same time.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:06, Reply)

I like Holborn.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I used to see a girl
in Stoke Newington. Trufax.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:21, Reply)

THIS IS DYNAMITE STUFF.

EDIT I used to see lots of girls in Stoke Newington. Unsurprising, as it is CHOCK FULL OF FUCKING LEZZERS. They are everywhere round Stokey.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:24, Reply)

I like dynamite.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:26, Reply)

She rented a room in a flat
Seriously. You just can't make this stuff up.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:26, Reply)

Holy shit
I used to live near Stoke Newington, and a guy I know actually still lives there.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:29, Reply)

My word!
I've heard of Stoke Newington - what are the chances?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:30, Reply)

No fucking WAY.
You know that pub? The one in Stoke Newington near the thing? I've had a pint in there.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Sweet Jesus!
I have also had a pint! Not there though, somewhere else
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Oh this is just fucking scareing me now
I've also been somewhere else. Seriously, this must be more that just coincidence.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:41, Reply)

This is 'internet lies' gone mad now.
No wonder /talk don't like us.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:44, Reply)

Its fate maaaaaan!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:46, Reply)

Thank God I'm sitting down.
This is doing my fucking lid in.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:31, Reply)

I maintain you should have bitchslapped the vacuous wench
However, if you seeming to apologise has given her am opportunity to apologise, and you still want to keep in touch with her, maybe let it be? Until the next time she pisses you off, anyway.
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:15, Reply)

That's impulse.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:19, Reply)

I thought it was men who can't help acting on that?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:22, Reply)

That is Rohypnol

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:26, Reply)

Haha
No, it's 'orders from Der Fuhrer',

that was my defence, anyway.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Stolen from /talk
you'll like this www.timecube.com
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:50, Reply)

Jesus Christ what on earth is all that about?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:55, Reply)

YOU CAN'T KILL ME, FOR I AM 82 + CANCER.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:11, Reply)

OPEN YOUR EYES SHEEPLE

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Went for a curry with many a friend and family on Friday, before we all went back to uni.
Which was ace. About as exciting as it got.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:11, Reply)

Highlight of my weekend
would have to be sanding the polyfilla in the living room and bathroom down in preparation for painting tonight prior to the new carpets being fitted tomorrow *cries*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Gangsta shit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:39, Reply)

word
Edit:

Lots of white powder is involved, most of which ended up my nose. I suspect though that this may not be the correct way of "doing this"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:39, Reply)

It probably had a higher cocaine content
than anything Tara Palmer-Tompkinson snorted, bless her borderline-retarded socks. 'I was sniffing 7g a day at one point'.

No you weren't you fucking idiot, you were sniffing about 4g, 98% of which was probably Calgon.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:43, Reply)

But what she wasted in shit coke, she saved in replacement washing machine parts.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Noses don't live longer with Calgon, it would seem

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:46, Reply)

I have to say the white spirit I was cleaning the marks off the patio doors
made my head go slightly funny
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Please stop killing yourself with legal DIY products.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:47, Reply)

But its the only fun I get!!!
Tonight I may even go for ....... turps
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

LIVE THE DREAM.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Yeah man!
Those brushes won't know what hit them
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Typical QOTW lies.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Apologies
I knew my "Kerrazy" story wouldn't hold up to such scrutiny
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:49, Reply)

The highlight of my weekend was my cunt stepbrother going home
this probably says a great deal about the quality of both my weekends and my relationship with him.
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:50, Reply)

I hate it when people outstay their welcome
A colleague crashed at mine once after a work's night out, and slept on my sofa until about 3pm. He then took an hour-long shower, came out and asked what's for dinner, before sitting back on the sofa and playing on the xbox.
I think he was planning on stealing some shoes of mine too, he kept eyeing them up and asking questions about them.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:54, Reply)

This is why I don't invite b3tans to stay at my house
I don't want the internet hanging around my living room when I'm trying to watch the Hollyoaks omnibus.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:57, Reply)

watch wank over
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:58, Reply)

It means I also don't like to overstay my welcome
So don't even go in the first place.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:59, Reply)

If you're staying at mine after Montstock
you may stay until 2pm the next day.

Any later than that you get killed and eaten.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:05, Reply)

Awfully kind, sir
I'll be gone by then, worry not.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:07, Reply)

+into the pan

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:09, Reply)

That is quite bizarre
but my brother was never welcome in the first place. I cannot stand him, I had to put up with him all over Christmas because he wouldn't fucking go home, and then he invited himself down to mine with about 3 hours notice the day after I got back. Then he stayed for 3 days and either threw away or ate all the food I had in, and told me when he was leaving 'Oh, it was good to see you again, I'll try and come down again soon' - any money says he'll do exactly the same thing, without even checking if I'm free.
FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING FUCKWANK.
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:00, Reply)

Just tell him he's not welcome surely?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:02, Reply)

change the locks and turn off the lights and pretend your not in if he tries it again.
or tell him that he's not welcome.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:02, Reply)

So why don't you get on with him? He sounds like a normal bloke to me.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Move house
Or buy a pitbull.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:02, Reply)

what a shitbag
you really need to tell him to fuck off
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:15, Reply)

It is truly not worth the hassle
He can be a awful shitcunt when crossed, it's easier just to keep him sweet even if it does nearly cause me to rupture myself with suppressed fury. Take this for an example: he told (not asked!) me he was coming down and that he'd be at the station for 4pm. I told him I didn't finish work til 5 and then had to go straight out and wouldn't be in til 8.30. This caused so much huffing and flouncing that I actually ended up leaving work early to pick the cunt up and being late for the thing I had to do afterwards. He's 35 for fucks sake. I swear he is not only bloody retarded but autistic as well.
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:25, Reply)

So let him be flouncing and flustered.
Why do you have to keep him sweet anyway? Fuck him and his lack of manners.

For example; next time he tells you he's coming down, tell him he's not because it's not convenient. Done.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:27, Reply)

exactly this
he may be an awful shitcunt when crossed but if you have nothing to do with him then you won't know.

life is too short to put up with that shit
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:32, Reply)

it's not that easy
He'll piss and whinge to the parents to such an extent that they'll ring me and tell me to be nice because they can't stand him or his whimging any more than I can. He doesn't even do it that deliberately, he just has no social skills whatsoever and either can't tell or doesn't care that he pisses people off.
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:37, Reply)

None of that is your problem.
He's only doing this because you let him.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:40, Reply)

Hang on ....so he's older than you?
Christ...I assumed from your earlier descriptions that he was some younger spawning that hadn't quite "left home" and so could possibly-tenuously be given the benefit of the doubt as he maybe didn't know any better. But 35? You'd expect people to know how to behave themselves by that age (Monty possibly excepted). Why do the parents put up with his shit?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:42, Reply)

Because his dad just shakes his head and ignores it
and neither mum nor I can bring ourselves to be as brutally rude as we would need to be for him to get the message. He lived with me for about 18 months when I was 17 and he nearly gave me a nervous breakdown (not a lolmental one, a real one). And yes, a full 10 years older than me.
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:18, Reply)

So did he come to visit you, or did he invite himself down because he had other things to do?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:30, Reply)

No no
he came down to visit me, mostly because he wanted me to put him up and feed him whilst he went to photograph trains and planes, but he wanted to spend time with me in the evenings when I wasn't at work. It wasn't just a 'oh can I crash on your sofa whilst I go to this thing, kthxbai'
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:16, Reply)

You need to MTFU and tell him to GTFO
/Dr Phil
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:20, Reply)

I wish I was one of these blissfully unaware at times.
It would be so cool living my life thinking "Oh, that's cool, they won't mind" and not think anything of it again.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:33, Reply)

Best thing about my weekend
was going up north, seeing my Grandma, eating Ham and Pease Pudding sandwiches (which have given me terrible gas) and going to see Thin Lizzy with my Uncle and my Cousin.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:55, Reply)

This is a good weekend!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Going to see Thin Lizzy after the death of Phil Lynott
is like going to see The Jimi Hendrix Experience any time after Sept 18th 1970.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:57, Reply)

hahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 10:59, Reply)

Oh boy
I totally didn't see this coming, I'm genuinely shocked, I really thought you would be totally happy and pleased about my weekend.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:01, Reply)

Did your knee play up?
If so, there's something about your weekend I like.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:06, Reply)

All the driving did make it a bit sore actually

(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:07, Reply)

YESSSSSSSS!!!
Re Tayyabs, when can you confirm? 'Chin Laden' is sweating me about it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:09, Reply)

I'm going to take one of your LPs and put it back in the wrong place

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:10, Reply)

Then I shall do the same with one of your limbs.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:14, Reply)

limbs chins
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Tell him to fuck off and be patient.
I've made the initial approach but the wife is very busy today, I hope to have an answer for you by the end of the day, is that sufficient?

If not, book us both a place and then you can always reduce the numbers later.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Fine and Dando.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:14, Reply)

You're going to kill his missus in revenge for NATO bombing in Serbia?
Probably best if she doesn't turn up then.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:34, Reply)

Yeah, or going to see the Manics after Richy 'left'
4REAL 4EVAH!
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:07, Reply)

I was going to buy a blu-ray player from Richer Sounds, but in the end I didn't.
What an emotional rollercoaster ride that was.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:03, Reply)

You mentalist.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:04, Reply)

You don't know the half of it Jeff
it's been MAD
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:08, Reply)

Can I ask you why you didn't buy a blu-ray player?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Because they are a waste of fucking money

(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:14, Reply)

Emperor's New Clothes innit?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:15, Reply)

What annoys me, well, I say annoys, it actually makes fuck all difference to me
but I still think it's a rip off, the studios are only including extras on blu-ray editions of films and not on the DVD ones. Now I never watch extras since if the film is good, I'll watch it, if it isn't I'm not gonna buy it, I don't care about how it was made.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:19, Reply)

I hate Ricky Gervais.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:26, Reply)

so very much
I've decided that the person I hate most at the moment though is Louis Spence, the colossal arse-plunderer
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:29, Reply)

Man he really is an unnecessary being.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:31, Reply)

and yet "the nation" seems to love him

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:32, Reply)

I had to Google to see who he is
Still none the wiser, but then I don't watch tv.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:35, Reply)

I had the misfortune to see an advert for his new show
he was also briefly on The Big Fat Quiz of the Year.

To sum him up, imagine the 10 most camp people in the world, and combine their campness in the body of a complete fucking tosser who has somehow found fame through being a mincing bender (also a choreographer)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:49, Reply)

I hate him
I just can't stand camp guys.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:50, Reply)

he is the worst
makes Julian Clary look like a cage fighter
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:51, Reply)

He's not that bad
He's no Vanessa Feltz.
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:53, Reply)

he is far far worse than Vanessa Feltz

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:59, Reply)

Speaking as the biggest flappy teapot on this board (when Darth's not around)
even I find that revolting turd-burglar to be camper than a row of pink tents pitched along the Brighton seafront.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:53, Reply)

Turd burglar!
pfffft - have yourself a click. As ever your wonderful turn of phrase has cheered me up a touch.
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:19, Reply)

I can't believe you haven't heard that before

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:22, Reply)

Exactly.
'Marmite smuggler' is my euphemism of the fortnight.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:25, Reply)

in itself a condemnation
given that half of them are below average.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:36, Reply)

the only reason to have one is because a PS3 is one

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:16, Reply)

Yes
I have a PS3. Wouldn't buy a standalone blu-ray player.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:17, Reply)

I hope you're sitting down, coz it's INTENSE
I couldn't be bothered to drive into Bristol and get one.

But next weekend Jeff...lock up your daughters coz there'll be some serious Richer Sound action going on.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:16, Reply)

Wow.
Driving to Bristol AND getting a blu-ray player? That is TOO MUCH.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:24, Reply)

Holy shit
I went to a Richer Sounds before New Year, but I did buy a TV.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:06, Reply)

No WAI!
I bought a TV before the new year. It's like we're psychiatricly linked or summit.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:09, Reply)

holy shit
I've got a tv
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:13, Reply)

OMG!
I had a shit this morning!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:14, Reply)

LIAR

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:15, Reply)

FUCK!
I'm having a shit morning!1!!

It's like the fucking 'X Files' on here.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:15, Reply)

no way
I'm using files and my keyboard has an X on it....

this is freaking me out
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:17, Reply)

No WAY
I'm freaking Monty's ex over the filing cabinet!
lol jk, she never existed, Monty just steals a small child once a week or so.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:18, Reply)

You'd think the parents would stop leaving her outside by now

(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:19, Reply)

Cheaper than getting a baby sitter
Though they are getting annoyed with having to tell her to stop saying that everything is 'fucking shit'.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:21, Reply)

*fashions a natty trilby from Bacofoil*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:19, Reply)

Liar
all TV's were banished from Devon in 1973 when they were deemed to be the work of satan.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:19, Reply)

Gus Honeybun was satans representative on earth.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:25, Reply)

too fucking right

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:28, Reply)

I was thinking about that at the weekend
"I'll have 3 hops and a magic button please"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:36, Reply)

magic mushroom wasn't it?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:48, Reply)

Yes, my bad.

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:55, Reply)

I went to work for an hour and a half, ate lots of chorizo, then went to the pub in clapham
We failed to find the pub we were supposed to go to since google maps doesn't always like my phone and people we asked for directions tried to persuade us to go to a different pub entirely.

Yesterday I found the holy grail of greengrocers. They sell the enormous sweet red peppers at a stupidly cheap price and they taste fantastic :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Could you do curry on the 22nd?
(hello)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:18, Reply)

(Hello)
Can't do it, I'm working that weekend
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:21, Reply)

Gash

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:24, Reply)

Your mum
We're doing word association right?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:25, Reply)

hahahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Your face

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:30, Reply)

Are you coming on to me?

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:33, Reply)

to
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:38, Reply)

This whole 'dinner' lark is most irksome to arrange.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:24, Reply)

It's ok, there's too many shitcunts coming to this one, looks more like a bash than a night out at Tayyabs now
I'll go some other time
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:26, Reply)

I went on Saturday, it was magic.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:28, Reply)

Fine, whatevs

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:28, Reply)

Hang on
How many people are coming, and who are they?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Just us two, Bert and old Chinny, so far.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:36, Reply)

Bert is not my wife

(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:39, Reply)

That's because the students haven't woken up yet ,)

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Oh he's not inviting students is he?
I fucking hate students.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:41, Reply)

They're a disgrace!

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:49, Reply)

What a coincidence
I hate students as well
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:56, Reply)

If you invite edmund I'll come as well.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:46, Reply)

He's on standby.
He said he might have to work if there's, say, a terrorist attack or something, so he couldn't commit.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:50, Reply)

Ok, well I'll gaz him and ask him to pick me up in one of his helicopters
I can't be bothered to get the train.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:52, Reply)

You definitely should have gone with the benevolent (well, ish) dictator approach on this one, I reckon.
(room for one more, BTW?)
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:32, Reply)

Sure.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:38, Reply)

I told him
Did I not tell you, Monty?
( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:39, Reply)

You told me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:44, Reply)

Cat herding isn't in it, mate.

( Kroney, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Haha, shit phone, gutted.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:31, Reply)

My friend's iphone was no better either Gonz!

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:34, Reply)

Highlight of my weekend
was the sickening realisation that I'd left my wallet on the coach.

Apart from that winning the lottery came a close second
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:41, Reply)

Any joy getting it back yet?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:43, Reply)

none
beckyjsbx was kind enough to find an online form, but it looks like only for the German routes. Bloody Germans and their organisation.

Plus no laptop now :(
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:49, Reply)

Why no laptop?
Might as well try the form, nothing to lose right?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:52, Reply)

There you are
thanks for the link, and I did fill it in yeah :)

My brother had lent me a really good one but he's broke and has to sell it.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:54, Reply)

That's a shame. January sales should still be on when loan installments come round

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:00, Reply)

This is true
I don't know if my loan is in or not, since I accidentally snapped my card.

Sometimes I really do think I'm braindead
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:03, Reply)

Silly girl
You remind me of a guy I work with. He's a complete genius, but has no 'sense' whatsoever. He's always forgetting his security fob and he's the clumsiest person I know, but he is an incredible coder and knows all there is to know about our field.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:30, Reply)

Apart from the complete genius bit
that is me. I'm alright intellectually but a commonsense failure
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:32, Reply)

You're more than alright intellectually
Don't sell yourself short.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:34, Reply)

I also shouldn't be allowed
out on the street by those who love me and want me to live a bit longer in a cruel world apparantly
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Highlight of my weekend was getting a new nickname at work
It's been a bit of a shite weekend.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:42, Reply)

What have they started calling you?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:46, Reply)

AA fucker

(Bazongaloid, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:50, Reply)

Haha I like this

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:55, Reply)

'AA Home Start'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:01, Reply)

This just sounds
like some sort of pro-pregnancy plan
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:04, Reply)

I want to prefix this by telling you about the nicknames I gave people at work this weekend
I now work on Saturday nights with Captain Cockrash, Mingefeatures and Bumderella.

In retaliation, they have started calling me Cockchops.

We're a classy bunch at my work.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:51, Reply)

Crazy stuff there

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:55, Reply)

I bet the wackiness and zaniness never stop

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:59, Reply)

If they're going to put shit bands on, we need a way to pass the time.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:01, Reply)

How can you serve punters when all the staff are lolling and rofling all night long

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:03, Reply)

Morning Rory.
How was your weekend?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:04, Reply)

Afternoon Bella
It was alright, Old Trafford was quite good yesterday, crying scouse wankers got sent home again innit. Bloody Heysel murderers
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:09, Reply)

I don't follow football
But I gather that it was an interesting game, judging by people in the pub and my Twitter feed.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:14, Reply)

highlight was falling asleep whilst my mate read to his daughter.
lowlight - Arsenal being shit.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:43, Reply)

What was he reading?

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:44, Reply)

Dogger,
which really isn't as bad as it sounds.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:46, Reply)

I'll take your word for it.
Honestly I will.

*phones NSPCC*
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:49, Reply)

NSPCC Jeff
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:52, Reply)

www.amazon.co.uk/Dogger-Shirley-Hughes/dp/1862308055/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1294660328&sr=1-1
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Out of curiosity
Did Jeff commission that, or was it written as an homage?

Seriously though, it looks shit. What's it about?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:55, Reply)

It's the prequel
to House of Flying Doggers
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Very good indeed sir.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Ta kindly.

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Kids parents sell his teddy, hilarity ensues

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:27, Reply)

That sounds proper gash
I could write a better kids book than that. It'd be awesome, I'd give the kids flamethrowers and everything.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:29, Reply)

awesome for adults maybe, not for little ones!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:18, Reply)

Howso?
I'd have loved a book with flamethrowers as a kid.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:29, Reply)

This is why
the best children's authors were people like Robin Jarvis and the man who wrote Redwall
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Brian Jacques
Morning, by the way. You get back to Oxford ok?
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:35, Reply)

Yeah
I'm freezing cold though because college is deciding to save on heating. Good news on the wallet-loss though :)
How are you?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:36, Reply)

Argh, are they not going to turn it on til term starts?!
At least it's not minus silly temperatures anymore. Get yourself a little halogen heater or something, you can probably find one for less than a tenner.
And they've found your wallet? That's great news! How will you get it back?
I'm knackered but otherwise ok. I would benefit greatly from another day of weekend though...
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:39, Reply)

The lady on the phone
very kindly offered to put it on the next coach to Oxford so I can pick it up and it'll be quicker than the post.

Can't buy anything though till I get my card replaced
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:43, Reply)

Aww, that's sweet
I've just seen your post on facebook. Shame about the cash, but at least if your card is broken they couldn't nick that too! Hope it wasn't much. Oh and you should be able to take your ID and a bank statement or your old (albeit broken) card to the bank and take money out at the cashiers desk :)
(berk, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:45, Reply)

some kids yeah, I'm teaching foundation so murder death kill is off the agenda for now.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 13:40, Reply)

It's a youthful me on the cover!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:59, Reply)

Is it a biography, or did you just inspire the book?

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:04, Reply)

I am consoling myself over our result
by thinking, "at least we weren't comprehensively beaten by Stevenage fucking Borough."
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 11:59, Reply)

Remind me
which position you play in again?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:01, Reply)

12th Man
I disagree with your stance on collective pronouns as applied to the support of sporting teams.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:06, Reply)

I had a friend
Profess his undying love for me after a few drinks in Manchesterford which led to us squabbling and fighting in the street.
I then proceeded to drunken Facebook/Text people when i got in in a weird pissed off/amourous mood.

Drunk FAIL.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:30, Reply)