It's Thursday. Woo fucking hoo.
Anything exciting happening? I'm seeing Stunned poster this evening but will have to seriously curtail the lolz as I also have to completely clean my flat from top to bottom because my mother and her 'partner' are visiting on Saturday and I'm out at my daughter's tomorrow night.

Q: What are your views on the 'funniest joke of Edinburgh 2011*'? To my mind if that's as funny as it got thank God I didn't go.

*'I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.' Fucking side-splitting, eh?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:18, 276 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

I am off to a small festival tomorrow in York.
There will be fantastic beer and cider, good food and some local bands with the headliners being the Levellers.

I know nothing of this joke of which you speak.

Edit: That's the best joke????
( girlinthehole, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:23, Reply)

I hope to be able to take my daughter to festivals one day.
That Lollibop thing you linked me to - her mum took her. Once again I'm beaten to doing something I'd have liked to do: every single thing I think of she's already done. This is great news for my child, it just leaves me feeling even more left out and useless. Selfish, eh?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:28, Reply)

She's still small and there will come a time when her mother can't take her somewhere for some reason.
Ask her mum if you can take her next year. Kids never tire of that kind of thing. I asked my nephew earlier in the year if he wanted to come to this festival or go to Tenerife. He chose Tenerife : (

I'm hoping when he hits his early teens he will choose festivals.
( girlinthehole, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:32, Reply)

Course he will. Unless he turns out to be a chutney ferret.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:33, Reply)

Haha! no chance of that.

( girlinthehole, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:33, Reply)

You've not been noncing him up already?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:36, Reply)

Pfft!

( girlinthehole, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:42, Reply)

I've got some good news for me, and some more good news for me which is even better news for you lot
This morning I got confirmation that on Ms Foxtrot's birthday we'll be having a private lesson with Karen Hardy, five-time world ten-dance champion, which is the Ballroom equivalent of Tiger Woods except without the hookers, sadly. Champagne, the works. Chuffed.

And tomorrow it's InFest, which makes me a very excited Foxy indeed. It also means I won't be posting between this evening and Tuesday morning. You are permitted to show your pleasure.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:33, Reply)

You're going to get some super filthy sex on her birthday now.
That's a really good present.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:34, Reply)

It gets better, Monts
Her sisters have booked us a table at The Ivy on the evening of her birthday, but because said restaurant doesn't do any kind of pre-payment or voucher scheme they're just giving me the money. Is it dishonest to pretend I paid for the whole thing until after the grateful coitus?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:38, Reply)

A little, I fear.
The Ivy is great for seeing famous people but the food is slightly 'meh', I'm afraid
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:57, Reply)

Really?
'Meh' by the standards fo those who live and eat in London regularly or 'meh' by actual food standards?

She'll love the whole posh restaurant thing anyway, luckily. And their vegetarian options are impressive.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:59, Reply)

The experience will be excellent, don't get me wrong.
The food is top notch and well executed but its fame stems from the cachet of going rather than the food, really. It's just slightly dull.

I've only been once and I saw Roger Moore. I could have had a bot dog for dinner and I'd still have been happy.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Was he swinging on a luger?
Whoever I see in The Ivy, I shall ask them if they know you. Most famous people do, right?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:04, Reply)

They definitely do.
However they know to respect my wish to remain low-key so they'll tell you they don't.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:05, Reply)

I imagine their confusion might be genuine
if I ask them "do you know Monty Boyce? No I don't know his real name. You know, MONTY BOYCE"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:07, Reply)

Roger Moore?
Legend.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Is this in Bradford again?

( girlinthehole, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:35, Reply)

Always focusing on the negative

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:38, Reply)

Henning Wehn was the best for me.
He's German. You'd have liked some of his jokes...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:35, Reply)

German in sense of humour shocker!!

( girlinthehole, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:36, Reply)

He acknowledges all the stereotypes and manages to be funnier than anyone I've seen in a long time.
Tell yer ma!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:37, Reply)

You didn't see Paul McCaffrey by any chance?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:51, Reply)

But that accent
Makes it feel like you're listening to a member of the gestapo trying to tell jokes. "You vill laugh at ze jokes or it vill become zery uncomfortable for you"
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:51, Reply)

Nowt wrong with that, young master Hambo.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:52, Reply)

Ohhh, I get it. Because characters in a play relate to individuals who make up part of the play, but in the context of a password, they're talking about ASCII characters such as alphanumerics.
I had a horrible night, I had to wake up every hour or two and rush to the lav. Normally this only happens once or twice in the night, I normally wake up at 3ish and then crash out and go back to sleep. I feel asleep at some point just after hollyoaks so took myself to bed so it means I woke up at 12ish thinking only a few more hours to sleep and 'till the morning, so the night dragged on and on and on. IT WAS HORRIBLE.

AND and, I feel like all my bones are going to shatter at any minute, I have brittle bone thinggy, but they feel like they're made out of holo tubes of porcilin, I can't explain why.

I'm determind not to make today a horrible horrific car crash of a day though. Tell me, there is a girl who I quite like, who I think quite likes me, we can only talk online at the moment 'cus she lives not pop-in-able close enough. Oh Monts...What's the online equivlient to touching your hair, smiling coy'ly, eye contact, frothing at the gash and laughing at your jokes?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:35, Reply)

A cock-gaz.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:37, Reply)

I can vouch for this

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:38, Reply)

Wait a sec, what, what? she's got to send me a cock gaz?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:39, Reply)

What if I'm not big enough, she'll have a chance to laugh and show all her mates and go "Aww bless, aren't you adorable ! Here's 50p, go get some sugar, honey."
Where as if I'm in the room with her and the willy is out and primed for action, then she'd feel more obligated to do something with it.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:41, Reply)

What if it's so big that she thinks "Oh gosh, I could never use that, it would be like going down on a telephone poll, this'll never work out, I'm sorry, here's 50p, go get some sugar, honey."

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:44, Reply)

Gaz her someone else's cock if you're worried.
Lenny Henry's, perhaps?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:56, Reply)

Or mine.
It's fucking massive.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:03, Reply)

Massive, but with mottled green markings like a pustulent gecko.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:04, Reply)

It definitely smells like a big one.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:06, Reply)

I reckon I'm probably about the same size as a white Andi Peters, so maybe with a bit of photoshop magic.
I wouldn't want to post Lenny Henry's cock super imposed over my crotch with me doing a thumb's up motion to the camera while smiling, perhaps on a beach at sunset, 'cus that's romantic isn't it? Girls like a bit of that, don't they?....because if we're ever at a sunset, she'll know that I doctored the photographs and when she asks me where I got my penis from, I'd have to be honest and say "OK, I'll come straight, I got it from Lenny Henry" and she'll go "That is one unfunny prick you've got there", and I'll say "Yeah', I know, I hear someone else is doing comic relief this year, so it might be alright this time."
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Two words
Forever single.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Haha, oh man, it's true, haha, I can apprechate a life-burn like that.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:18, Reply)

I've not been to bed yet, we went out and brought a drunken mate home and she's been puking her face off in the bathroom
morning
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:39, Reply)

That sounds like something I'd have done a few years ago
I'd be the one puking in the toilet
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:46, Reply)

I've done it my fair share of times. But I'm fucking tired and I want to go to bed.
She's passed out and has to be up for work in about an hour.

I'm currently watching Alice in Wonderland, old school version
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:50, Reply)

Just popping in before I'm off to the doctors
that's a shit joke, I hope the rest of the comedy was better than it. What've you got planned for your night with your daughter?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:44, Reply)

By the time I get there, I have little time for much more than bath, story and bed.
The lolz will begin the next morning. I got 20mins of Sticklebricks in before I had to leave this morning which was good. We made a robot.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:56, Reply)

Didn't realise kids still played with them
They were ace! And they don't hurt as much as lego if you accidentally stand on them
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:01, Reply)

I am raising my child in the 1970s, like I was.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Sticklebricks are ace.
Are you going to get her some Meccano?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:09, Reply)

In a year or two, almost certainly. And proper Lego*

*she's on the Duplo at the moment
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:10, Reply)

It's great she has proper toys.
My nephew has some toys but you have to stick your penis in his mouth to get him away from the computer.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:19, Reply)

So your nephew likes cocks more than computers?

(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:31, Reply)

He's learnt to.
The 'hard way'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:34, Reply)

It hurt me more than it hurt him.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Admirable citation of a FILM from Michael J Fox's 1980s canon there Monty
Let's see how many more you can do
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Well I'm a child of the 90's
And we had them then so maybe they've spanned many generations. Or it could just be that my parents were also trying to raise me as a 70's child. Yea, it was probably that. I did have to buy my own Playstation, which to a child was a years worth of pocket money at the time. I wish I was able to save money like I used to be able to :s
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Child of the 90's?
So still a child then?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:15, Reply)

I was born in the 80's, just
But I think you'll find that I'm technically an adult anywhere in the world now :D
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Good man.
Personally, I find adulthood overrated.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Yea
Which is why I pretend to be a child most of the time. Plus I can blame my lack of maturity on being male. Though what worries me is I think this is as mature and grown up as I'm ever going to get. Right, I'm off to watch Thomas the Tank Engine and build a den and pretend to be a cave man
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:26, Reply)

I've got to go and fill up holes with water
I feel pretty shit at the moment, I have a horrible feeling I may be succumbing to my wifes dodgy guts disease.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:56, Reply)

At least you haven't got AIDS like Vippers.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:58, Reply)

We don't need to hear about your colonic

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:45, Reply)

DISASTER
I appear to be developing an ulcer. Ordinarily this would simply be annoying, however this weekend I will be chewing my face off almost non-stop. By the time I come down it may have swollen to envelop my entire jaw
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:02, Reply)

I thought you meant a stomach ulcer - a mouth one is a mild irritation and little more.
MTFU you raging bumlord.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:03, Reply)

Agreed
UNLESS you spend your weekend masticating like a frightened cow
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:05, Reply)

Bonjela mate.
Food of the gods.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:04, Reply)

*shudder*

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:06, Reply)

Does the job.
Leaves your face gusset minty fresh.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:07, Reply)

and it's delicious

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:08, Reply)

NOITISN'T

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:08, Reply)

OH YES IT IS!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:10, Reply)

I assume "HE'S BEHIND YOU... oh never mind" comes next?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:11, Reply)

i have no idea what's going on here but
um..yay?

edit:wait, replied to the wrong on, i meant the popcorn toaster thing. I am so very sleepy
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Then I shall press on with this filth
before you wake up enough to realise who you're flirting with
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:31, Reply)

oh god
not again
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:33, Reply)

Chewing your face off?
Is that cos of the massive drugz you'll be taking?
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:04, Reply)

I don't know what you mean, young master jambon

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:05, Reply)

it's all about context
but I'm pretty sure I heard better ones and I mostly went to free stuff.

i should be larping this weekend, but i think I'm going to end up staying home worrying about my guinea pig
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:06, Reply)

Nooooooooo!
What's wrong with the guinea pig?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:08, Reply)

don't know
he's losing weight. He's been on antibiotics for a week, but he's very little. I think I'll take him to thevets again tomorrow
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Have you tried giving him an infusion of human-cylon blood?
It has no antigens, you see
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:10, Reply)

i'll go and stab the toaster

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Better to let the toaster "stab" you
IFYOUKNOWWHATIMEAN
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:12, Reply)

i don't have a sexy toaster

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:16, Reply)

*constructs toaster-shaped popcorn box*
Cinema?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:18, Reply)

What's wrong with Mr Guinea Pig?
And what's it's name?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Boson
His brother is called Higgs
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Brilliant name.
But you are a MASSIVE geek.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:11, Reply)

yes
and yes. The vet asked if I was a physicist. I told him no, just a geek
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:11, Reply)

I'm just fucking glad for foresight
I was putting my lunch into my bag this morning, and noticed that the sauce was quite runny, so I wrapped it in a carrier bag before putting it in. Thank fuck for that, I've only got a small bit in the bottom of my bag, most of it was caught!

Still got enough for lunch, woo!

Alt: That's fucking shit.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Sword Of Omens, give me sight BEYOND sight.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Hahahah

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Lunch thread at 09:09, this has to be a new record.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:15, Reply)

But seriously, what you got?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:15, Reply)

I'm going down the cockfosters to see the doc in a bit,
I'm totally going to pick up a saltbeef bagel, REAL BAGEL, and maybe a sweetened chopped herring one too.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:16, Reply)

I have salt beef for lunch!
I'd rather eat a bot dog than a chopped herring bagel though
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Sweetened chopped herring is fucking lush, it's like pickle heaven. If you can get over the fact that you're eating minced up fish.
But I just changed my mind, I'm going for chopped liver, that's what I really fancy.

Cool dude, we can be like the lehman brothers, except instead of fucking up the world economy, we have the same lunch.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Do you have any Chrian ? They don't serve that stuff at the deli, at least, not as an ingredient, you can buy a jar though...
... I did that horseraddish'n'beatroot nyomines.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:20, Reply)

AIDS

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:16, Reply)

Cowboy cock soup with extra sweetcorn ;)

(TheColonel, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:17, Reply)

My money's on leftovers

(TheColonel, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:17, Reply)

something something something 'shit loads of chilli'

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Gotta impress the laydeez somehow

(TheColonel, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Nope, cooked specifically for work.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:27, Reply)

Home made chicken curry, tis rather nice.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:27, Reply)

If you want a lunch thread record
Then I could start talking about tomorrows lunch now if you like?
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:17, Reply)

It has to be organicly sourced, doesn't count if you're doing it to just beat a record.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:21, Reply)

I'm going to McDonalds tomorrow lunch

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:36, Reply)

lolfatty
Although burger King is on the whole worse for you
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:37, Reply)

I wouldn't mind one of them tomorrow either

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:43, Reply)

How dirty does your flat get bewtween the regular "cleanings from top to bottom"
In other news, morning all.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:16, Reply)

It's fucking filthy Ape.
I wouldn't watch dogs fuck in it.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Good hygenie is essential for dog fucking watching

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:20, Reply)

It's currently not too bad.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:21, Reply)

MORE NEWS AS IT HAPPENS

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:22, Reply)

my letting agency
let themselves into my house while I was away and are currently bitching about the state of the house and blaming it on why there is damp :(
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:25, Reply)

Stop imagining me naked and that should clear up all by itself

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:26, Reply)

Hahahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:26, Reply)

Last night was quite a night on OT

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:28, Reply)

Sure was ; )

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:32, Reply)

Cunts.
It's always someone elses fault when it comes to landlords.

Dirty protest time?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:28, Reply)

might send them on of monty's botdogs
that and look at actually buying a house :(
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:29, Reply)

How much is a house in Wales?
i assume the estate agents take Visa Electron?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:31, Reply)

You can get a six-bedroom house in exchange for two sheep and a sack of coal.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:32, Reply)

they get annoyed if you pay in coppers, though

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:33, Reply)

Well they are an important part of society and should be out on the beat
*wins Edinburgh*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:34, Reply)

Oh dear.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:36, Reply)

I know : (

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Would you like to kill him or shall I?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Shall i do it myself?
I'd hate to put you out
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Killing's too good for him.
Some sort of eternal punishment would be more suitable.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:40, Reply)

but, but I can change...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:41, Reply)

Too little, too late.
Soz. Lol.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:42, Reply)

i already won it
with an off the cuff joke I made about airfreshner called New Zealand smelling of ORChid. I don't need no stinking show
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Oh dear.
Or from Manchester, it would smell of 'Aar Kid'. Where's my fucking Perrier award. Eh? Eh?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Oh BK.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:48, Reply)

*hangs head*
*from a light fitting*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:51, Reply)

If they didnt give you a weeks
written notice and went in without your permission you can cunt them right in the fuck
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:43, Reply)

i think it's 24 hours
they were supposed to come the next day, when I'd have been back. When I got home there was an irritated sounding answerphone message which said they'd changed their minds and seemed confused as to why i wouldn't be there on a weekday morning. They don't seem to understand that I don't spend all my lifein the house
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:45, Reply)

What you now need to do is say that you had a laptop that's gone missing.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:48, Reply)

Or report it to the filth as a break in.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Make a complaint.
Then ask them to explain the cause of the damp. And how it relates to crumbs.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:50, Reply)

Come on Penfold.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:51, Reply)

That took a couple of seconds.
Good one.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:55, Reply)

It always used to be a weeks written notice
Unless you have agreed verbally at their request that they could come in prior to that. I cant see that changing. I would go with the attack option, they are not allowed to change their minds regardless of their plans they have to work around you not the other way round.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:58, Reply)

That's pretty funny for a one liner.
What's your problem?
(PsychoChomp, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:43, Reply)

I've got AIDS.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:44, Reply)

Cat Aids.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Tomorrow? I'm going out dancing with some people from my swing dancing class.
Gonna have a little booze, get a bit silly, do some rocking moves. Then on Saturday I have to be sober enough to drive myself to my sister's wedding.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:49, Reply)

i am out for a fancy dinner tonight
shame the restaurant specialises massively in meat. i think there is one veggie option :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:51, Reply)

It might be a good one
and they're sure to have things you can take the meat off
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:52, Reply)

Like the steak,
Nommy chips and salad for dinner.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:57, Reply)

chips that have soaked up steak juices, NYOM

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:00, Reply)

My then-veggie chum had his birthday dinner in Faulkner's on Kingsland Rd once.
He had a 70s side salad with cress etc and chips for his dinner.

I lolled big time at that.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Eat the meat.
You know you want to.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:52, Reply)

I always need to check the veggie options when out with Miss Beekers
A restaurant's pretty much the only occasion I do eat meat these days.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:53, Reply)

You bender.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:54, Reply)

You would love the bus company here in Geelong.
it's The Benders. I giggle every time I see one of their buses.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:55, Reply)

Take a picture of one and post it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:56, Reply)

one of the lecturers at my uni
had the surname Bender. He was australian, too
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Are you saying that all Australians are benders?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:58, Reply)

i am saying there
are more benders in australia
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Well it's in the genes, isn't it?
Convicts and that.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:59, Reply)

And they're shit at cricket

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Trufax

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:07, Reply)

I would if I didn't see one every time I was driving.
Usually like driving with Both Hands.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:00, Reply)

Fucking handcuffs

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:07, Reply)

You do remember I don't give a flying fuck about this whole convict thing don't you?
given that I"m actually half dutch?
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Yes I do
Much as I don't give a flying fuck about this whole gay thing. Lazy stereotyping cares little for facts.

Sorry though.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:11, Reply)

She's turned me into a monster :(
A Quorn-munching monster.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:55, Reply)

Shittest of all the monsters.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:56, Reply)

It's main weapons are veggie farts
and an unearned air of smugness.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Easily punctured by the devastation soya growing is causing.
God I love that.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:00, Reply)

Pungent irony.

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Fucking hell BK.
GROW A PAIR.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:59, Reply)

I am
Thanks to the oestrogen.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:00, Reply)

Devious bastards those vegetarians.
Putting oestrogen on your spuds, sapping your man strength.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Hahahahahha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Brilliant

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:02, Reply)

*vegetarian girlfriend sympathy fist-bumps*

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Gaucho's?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Is El Gaucho still in Chelsea Farmers' Market?
Large steak. On a piece of wood. NOM.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:59, Reply)

*makes notes*
Given how much this lesson with Karen Hardy is costing me, I deserve that
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Karen Hardy
is in my top 3 fantasy shags.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Along with John Noakes and Himmler.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Your mother and brother actually.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:11, Reply)

You're kidding
She's not even in my top 3 women of Strictly Come Dancing fantasy shags
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I don't know why.
She just gets "little SYFTS" all twitchy.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:11, Reply)

My best mate was exactly the same when she showed up on SCD
He's well jell

YEAH I SAID IT
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:12, Reply)

she proper mings dude.
you're welcome to her.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:13, Reply)

More fanny for us REAL MEN.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:14, Reply)

...
women
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:13, Reply)

How dare you impugn my heterosexuality!
*slaps across face with silk glove*
*minces off*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I'm just fuckin' suprised
That nobody beat me to that post...
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:17, Reply)

Me too
Maybe they're moving on! Maybe there's no challenge in calling me a bender any more!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:18, Reply)

That sounds exactly like something
A bender would say.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:20, Reply)

Hahaha!

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:21, Reply)

Bitch please
I didn't even add "OMLG"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:21, Reply)

no although i actually really like gaucho
their veggie risotto is divine.

this is hawksmoor, claims to be london's best steak and meat restaurant.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Hawksmoor is fantastic.
Have the marrowbone starter.

They do a good line in Argie Shiraz too.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:10, Reply)

ooooh is marrowbone vegetarian?!?!
muppet.... like the argie wines though.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:11, Reply)

It is, yes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:12, Reply)

screeches at a high pitch ... "and i said tell me once again why would you lie to me"...
urgh now that song is stuck right in my head, thanks dude.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:14, Reply)

No problem.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Hahaha.
It is lush though.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:13, Reply)

Order the biggest meat option and give it to me.
I'll have a quinoa salad in my bag ready for 'swapsies'.

SORTED.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Where are you going to get a quinoa salad from?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:00, Reply)

Waitrose.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:02, Reply)

If I catch you buying one
it's a month of no meat for you, mi laddo.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:03, Reply)

No.
Shit.
( Kroney, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:05, Reply)

What's up Kroney?
That's not like your usual ebullient response.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:07, Reply)

maybe he meant "no shit"
and this realisation that he lacks anything to poke up his puckered barking spider has made him unhappy?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:11, Reply)

Full stops.
.
( Kroney, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:11, Reply)

hence my saying
"maybe that was what he meant" - not what he put!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:12, Reply)

That's a bit of a jump but I am prepared to go with it.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:12, Reply)

well yes
it is crude, rude and takes the piss out of kroney. of course you're happy to go with it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:14, Reply)

Carry on.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:16, Reply)

ahhh, carry on kroney
the never-released final carry on film.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:31, Reply)

That's because scat is illegal

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:40, Reply)

is it?
*sets the feds on Kroney*
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:41, Reply)

I have no idea
I was just implying that it was the reason the film went unreleased
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Off festivaling in the rain and meeting new (to me) b3tans this weekend.
I've also recovered from my spray paint high without a hangover and generally feeling quite chipper.

I Went on a nice course yesterday, and today I find that my work are quite happy to buy me the kit I need as the other employee they asked for a cost estimate said it would be 3 time more than the most lavish amout I was hoping for, so this is good.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:06, Reply)

I used to go to graffiti 'jams' quite a lot.
I went to one in a sunken basketball court in South London once and the fumes fucked me up so, so badly I could hardly walk.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:22, Reply)

The fifteen pints in the blazing sunshine has nothing to do with it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:25, Reply)

I call bullshit.
You'd never come to South London.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:25, Reply)

I was young and foolish.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:25, Reply)

i thought you of all people
would be tougher than that
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:25, Reply)

Hey, you live in Wales, right?
(This isn't a trick question)
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:27, Reply)

yes..

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Cool.
I'm ill today, so can you bring me some soup?
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:29, Reply)

I can throw tomatoes if you like
they'll be kind of soupy when they reach you
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Lame!
I was expecting table-service.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:32, Reply)

*throws table*

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:33, Reply)

Ha!

( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Nothing exciting.
Day off work ill. Reckon I've got Cyber-AIDS from Vipros.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:07, Reply)

He does love to share it around.

(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Yeah.
I think it was has Facebook post, leaking web-pus into my eyes.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Typical. He's such an AIDS-whore.
Spreading it round like peanut butter on some Mother's Pride.

The cunt.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:11, Reply)

Exactly.
Just because he's got it, he figures it's the fuckin' business, and that everyone wants to be just like him.
WE DON'T WANT YOUR AIDS, VIPROS!

I think I should gaz him that, actually.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Do it.
For the good of humanity, do it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:23, Reply)

No humanity on here

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:37, Reply)

I drank a bottle of red wine last night and then had 4 hours sleep in 2, 2 hour slots
I'm ruined
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:45, Reply)

between that and Noel's
15" black rubber cock, you would be
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:46, Reply)

What you are, you cunt, is a fucking lightweight.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Thanks for the pep talk pops

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:51, Reply)

He's right sunshine
Even I could cope with that
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:52, Reply)

So could I normally, but I haven't had a solid nightt's sleep for 6 WEEKS

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:54, Reply)

Boo - but also, fucking hoo.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:55, Reply)

+ I love
+b
+s
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:56, Reply)

"I love fucking hobos"?

( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Correct
Now Monty is broke he needs a new hobbie and hobos are free
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:58, Reply)

Not if you have to
Wine and dine them first...
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:00, Reply)

A can of special brew and a burger won't set him back much

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:05, Reply)

I heard that he's spent so much money
On MASSIVE DRUGS, that the tramps'll be taking HIM out.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:10, Reply)

'Just kneel by that dustbin Mr Boyce'

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:16, Reply)

^this

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:51, Reply)

Someone start a new thread
or I'll talk about dancing in this one
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:46, Reply)

I'm a great dancer
although sometimes violent. Once left a club in an ambulance
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:47, Reply)

The Haka is not really intended for dancefloors

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:48, Reply)

Was it foam LARP club?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:52, Reply)

no
good try
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:53, Reply)

...
Mindancing
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:49, Reply)

Warming to the theme, are we?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:52, Reply)

Totally.
I'm finding it less challenging than attempting to buy a house, which is what I SHOULD be doing.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:53, Reply)

We've dicussed this already
All you need is two sheep and a sack of coal and BOOM, 6 bed mansion is yours
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:55, Reply)

I live in South Wales,
You're quoting me North Wales prices.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:56, Reply)

Sorry, better add an old caravan as part exchange

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:57, Reply)

That's more like it.

( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:57, Reply)

oh man
you're going to push up the prices for me, now
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:59, Reply)

Hmmm...
Ok, you get Pontypool. I get the rest.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:01, Reply)

:(

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:02, Reply)

Ok...
You get Carmarthen too. And ALL of North Wales.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:04, Reply)

OK, some of carmathen is pretty
(this is the only defence I have for wales at the moment)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:05, Reply)

Ha!
Why the hell are you going to buy a house here then?
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:07, Reply)

i got a proper job a few weeks back
and it's the kind of job that's tricky to get, so I'm here for a few years until I get one somewhere else. I've been stuck here for most of 17 years
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:11, Reply)

Ah...
I've been here two years. Buying is cheaper than renting, plus I know builders, which helps!
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:13, Reply)

Yeah, but it's like admitting I'm staying here
which I guess now I have a permanent job, I kind of am.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:15, Reply)

Depends where you are.
Cardiff... Pretty much Reading, but bigger.
Newport... At least you know you're better than all the scum you encounter on a daily basis.
Swansea... There's a beach!
( Cawl, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 11:18, Reply)