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Joke thread, if this is your first joke thread, you have to joke.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:19, 137 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

What's blue and doesn't fit?
A smurf up CQ's arse
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:21, Reply)

How about "the smurf" that's loler

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:22, Reply)

OK

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:23, Reply)

Rupert Murdoch walks into a bar
The barman says "Don't worry about it mate, we haven't got Sky either"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:22, Reply)

I've not heard that before

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:23, Reply)

Me neither
Quite good too
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:24, Reply)

I can't tell if you're being sarky or not
I would have thought you'd hunt down every Murdoch-related joke out there like a vengeful bloodhound
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:26, Reply)

What's pink and red and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A retarded baby trying to comb it's hair with a potato peeler.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:23, Reply)

That's sick!
You should be ashamed of yourself.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:24, Reply)

What's the difference between a Van full of sand and a van full of babies?
you can't unload a van full of sand with a pitchfork.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:25, Reply)

Is it true what they say about [demographic] *WINK* ? Oh no, not [steriotype], that they're all fucking nonces and should be locked up.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:36, Reply)

Sorry Gonz, that was probably quite clever, but you lost me.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:43, Reply)

Is it true what they say about Black People, WINK ? Oh no, not that they have big penses, that they're all nonces.
Is it true what they say about Jewish People, WiNK? Oh no, not that they're rich, that they're all fucking peadofiles.
Is it true what they say about people with big feet, WINK? ..... etc.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:44, Reply)

OK.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:47, Reply)

I came up with it while off my tits on edorphines after a swim, at the time, it was the funniest thing I had ever thought.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:05, Reply)

How do you get 4 Darth's on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:24, Reply)

This is both genuinely funny
and horrifically disturbing. Imagine there being more than one of me.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:25, Reply)

What's the difference between Darth's arse and a bowling ball?
You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:26, Reply)

Why would you want to put more of your fingers
up his arse, scapes me.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Aber, you were looking at some kind of nappy washing service weren't you?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Yes, I was
But we decided to wash them at home. It doesn't seem too difficult, and there aren't any in Worthing.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:09, Reply)

Ahh, OK
I saw a flyer for one but it is North East based
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:16, Reply)

A bit far for the laundry!
We saw a couple in London, but it's still too far. We'll just do it at home; it seems most people do it themselves and it's not so bad.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:22, Reply)

What was the Hitlers favourite event at the 1936 Summer olympics?
The Pole Vault

/dunno just made it up needs work
(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:25, Reply)

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:26, Reply)

haha

( WormuIus, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 17:39, Reply)

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, but getting them in there is a bugger.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:27, Reply)

My thought proccess to this joke.
"How do you get them to turn the.... what, two? That doesn't make sense, can their tiny hands only turn it... how is this even?.... I don't...... ....... ........... OHHHHHHHHH. Haha".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:30, Reply)

This is possibly my favourite joke.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:31, Reply)

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - but the light bulb's really got to want to change.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:31, Reply)

How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the light bulb contains the seeds of it's own revolution.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:37, Reply)

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?
YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:43, Reply)

I like this one

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:44, Reply)

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Real Men are not scared of the dark.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:44, Reply)

I'm just going to interrupt this hilarity to point out
that only four people are posting at present, and one of them is going to the pub now.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:27, Reply)

To find a bar stool?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:28, Reply)

and 3 "friends"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:28, Reply)

Very good
Out of genuine curiosity, how many clicks does it take to get something on the popular page?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:04, Reply)

What is black and white and red all over.
Someone who's suffering with hyperpigmentation that's just been repeatedly stabbed.
( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:31, Reply)

I'm quite proud of that one.

( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:32, Reply)

What's black and white and can't go through doors?
a nun with a javelin through her head.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Yeah but I made mine up on the spot.

( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:38, Reply)

I liked it.
Femenist joke: How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? 2 if you slice them thinly.

ALso: How many pre-menstrual women does it take the change a light bulb? One, and it's NOT FUICKING FUNNY, OK?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:42, Reply)

How many babies does it take to decorate a room?
Depends how hard you throw them.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:43, Reply)

Depends how thin you slice them

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:43, Reply)

WITH A SPOON!!1!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:43, Reply)

In my defence, I didn't notice CQ making EXACTLY THE SAME FUCKING JOKE just before me

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:45, Reply)

In your defence you're a spacker

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:46, Reply)

I concede this point totally
*mongs out*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:47, Reply)

Like so?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jdr9k1T-rSQ
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:50, Reply)

Exactly like that, yes

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:52, Reply)

I liked the first one.

( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:43, Reply)

I bet you did.
Counterpoint:
How many men does it take to Iron a shirt?
None, it's women's work.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:45, Reply)

How many misogynists does it take to change a light bulb?
none. Silly cow can wash up in the dark.

How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
none. Darkness is simply marketed as the new industry standard.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Whats blue and fucks grannies? Hypothermia.
Hahaha, nah', only kidding, that's sick. It's me in my lucky blue coat.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:32, Reply)

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:35, Reply)

Ha ha, I like that.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Q: How do you recognise a happy cyclist?
A: Squashed flies on his teeth

Q: How do you recognise a violent rapist?
A: Smashed teeth on his flies
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:35, Reply)

I thought it was threads like this that were responsible for ruining the internet?
Or have I ruined this thread by failing to have a joke to hand?
Anyway, whatever, any flounces this week are almost certainly your fault.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:37, Reply)

No your RUININ THE INTERNET

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:41, Reply)

*flounces*

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:41, Reply)

Joke threads or pun threads are good.
Two people deciding that said puns are SO lollarious that they should be crowbarred into the anus of every other thread for the next week, isn't.

I hope this clears things up.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:54, Reply)

I don't get it

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:57, Reply)

ah, that's cos it wasn't funny.
Sorry, I'll try harder.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:00, Reply)

It's too late for that, I've already flounced.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:15, Reply)

I may have told this one before.
Bloke walks into work one day, and straight away a colleague says to him "Bloody hell, you feeling alright? You look awful".

Bemused, the bloke says, "Yeah, I feel absolutely fine. Brilliant in fact". Several other colleagues comment upon his looking terrible during the course of the day, much to the poor sod's dismay, and it doesn't stop there, as when he meets some mates in the pub that evening, they all comment on desperate plight of his general appearance.

"Look, I'm not ill, I feel utterly brilliant, I don't know what you're all talking about". But, based on the comments he's received through the day he decides to visit his GP the next day.

On arriving at the GP's surgery the next morning, he's a bit put out to see the GP flinch visibly when he walks into the quack's room. He explains that despite everyone he meets' protestations that he looks awful, he himself feels great, but thinks that maybe there must be something wrong after all.

The GP thinks for a bit and says "You do look terrible".

"So people keep saying".

"But you say you feel great?"

"Yup".

"Then it's very simple", says the GP. "You're a cunt".
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Is the joke that ladies nether regions are unattractive?

( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:39, Reply)

I think "that's the joke" yes

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:41, Reply)

^

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:42, Reply)

I've heard that but with David Beckham
rather than just a random bloke. I'm not sure but I think that makes it a tiny bit better, but it's still top roffle.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:52, Reply)

I first heard this joke in about 1988.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:04, Reply)

You know the old joke, "What do you do if your washing machine breaks down? Slap the bitch".
Well, when I was growing up, I always thought it was about blowjobs, that if her tounge stops going around and around you slap here. I always thought that was the reason why it was funny. Please note, this has been embeded into me since I was prepubisisnt and knew what all that stuff was.

Some people seem to laugh and say "Of course it's about that" and other people laugh and say "Oh you mong, how is it about blowjobs?".... so I'm still not sure to this day.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:42, Reply)

Everything is about blowjobs

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:44, Reply)

And the world is a darker place because of this

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:50, Reply)

Why?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Because it appears that I cant read
and I thought you had started the sentence with "not"...
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Only if you close your eyes.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:51, Reply)

What do you call a fat girl with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese.

What do you call a ginger goth?
Duracell
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:44, Reply)

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:52, Reply)

My girlfriend called me a pervert!

I said to her "that's a big word for a nine year old"
( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:55, Reply)

disturbing

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:57, Reply)

It made me lol.

( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:01, Reply)

I have a great relationship with my mother... she's like a sister to me only with not as much sex!
( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:04, Reply)

haha!
I did like the first one, just was odd coming from a "lady"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:04, Reply)

*curtsies*

( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:05, Reply)

*doffs cap*
*invites for cucumber sammiches*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:06, Reply)

I read that a local police station was broken into last night, and all the toilets were stolen.
A police statment says they have nothing to go on.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 13:57, Reply)

What's blue and white and swings through the trees?
A fridge in a denim jacket.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:02, Reply)

I went to the butchers the other day, and bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:04, Reply)

What's the most popular motorway in the UK?
The M8
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:06, Reply)

I claim no responsibility for these:
I lost my first tooth in 1977 watching Star Wars and eating chocolate. It happened a long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:09, Reply)

Jesus...

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:09, Reply)

I stole a load of chocolate bars as a kid
The Police put a Bounty on my head
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:12, Reply)

When I went to school in France the older kids used to throw stock cubes at me
I was the victim of bouillon
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:10, Reply)

I went to the butcher the other day
and he was standing in front of the fire with his hands behind his back.

"Is that your Ayrshire bacon?" I asked.

"No, laddie" he replied, "A'm just warmin' ma honds".



he's Scottish, see
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:07, Reply)

Woman goes to a hair salon in Geordieland
"What can ah dee f' yee pet"? asks the hairdresser.

"I'd like a perm, please", comes the reply.

"Whey aye", the scissor monkey says. "Ah wandered lernley as a cloud..."
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:13, Reply)

Looks strangely familiar..

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:14, Reply)

Does it often go that way when you go to the hairdressers then?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:16, Reply)

I was referring to the fact that I posted it originally, way back in the mists of time
when all this were fields.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:18, Reply)

Yep, stole it from you.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:46, Reply)

See also:
Geordie goes for his driving test. Meets his mate later in the pub, who asks "How man, Geordie, hoo did ye gerron wi ya drivin' test, like"?

"Ah failed" says Geordie.

"Ah man, what did ye fail on?"

"Ah hit a kerb", says Geordie.

"Man, that's wank, ye divven't get failed f' hittin' a kerb".

"Ye dee if it's berb a jerb week".
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:17, Reply)

Hahaha!

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:20, Reply)

I had to translate that into Reg, just to understand it.
actually, more accurately Drunk Reg.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:23, Reply)

Drunk Reg is wonderful.
Especially when he kept going on about how young I looked.
( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Bless him.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:32, Reply)

I miss Reg, he was fun.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:38, Reply)

He's a good bloke.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:53, Reply)

And a surprisingly considerate lover.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:02, Reply)

Did you know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:07, Reply)

Although, a recent survey showed that six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:09, Reply)

genuine lols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:11, Reply)

Dave!
-Don't you know it's forbiden to drink while working?
-Don't worry, boss; I'm not working.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:13, Reply)

You get double points for jokes in another language

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:18, Reply)

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:19, Reply)

*dies laughing*

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:24, Reply)

I thought you had to hear it
just reading didn't make you die, did it?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:26, Reply)

I read it out aloud.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:27, Reply)

You silly man
How are you doing? Is death beautiful?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:30, Reply)

It's rather like being at work.
I'm OK, having a dull fortnight (not a lot of cash and friends unavailable for various reasons) but I'm having a friend over tonight, the weekend should be fun and next weekend I have The Pier and Bash to look forward to so it's looking up.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:41, Reply)

I had to cut and paste the words separately.
Just to be on the safe side, you see.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:28, Reply)

I see
You should sell it to the army for using on the next war.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:30, Reply)

I'm just translating them from Spanish
Most of them don't make sense in English, anyway; and then my literal translation is probably spoiling most of them.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:20, Reply)

What's the difference between a jewish grandmother and a bulldog.
Eventually, the bulldog would let it go.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:13, Reply)

What did the banana say to the gelatine?
I haven't undressed yet and you're already shaking!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:14, Reply)

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar
and the barman says, "What's this - some kind of a joke?"
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:14, Reply)

This was such an ugly, ugly, ugly cheff
that he made onions cry.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:15, Reply)

What's the difference between a pile of onions and a pile of oboes?
Nobody cries when you chop up the oboes.

/may regret starting off the music jokes
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:18, Reply)

How do you get Ironman out of the water?
Corroded.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:17, Reply)

Four jewish mothers are sitting around having tea, when the first one sighs and says "Oi vay"
The next one also sighs, and says "Oh vay gavolt"
The next one also sighs, and says "Oh vay, vhot a schmuck"
The forth one turns and says "Excuse me, I thought we wern't going to talk about our children".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:19, Reply)

A three years old boy
is looking at his testicles while his mum is bathing him.
-Mum, mum, is that my brain?
-Not yet, son, not yet.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:20, Reply)

Why dont' women have any brains? Because they have no balls to keep them in.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Why do men believe
that brains are kept in their balls?

I don't know, but it explains so many things...
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:28, Reply)

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he needed a poo*


*I realise this doesn't work so well written down
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:20, Reply)

Why did the baker kneed a poo?
Because he really didn't like his customers.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Former Saturday night TV star Wolf
Was stranded on a desert island, with former colleague Jet from the same programme. Eventually the food ran out, and to stave off the hunger, Wolf murdered Jet and feasted on her corpse.

Upon being rescued, he recounted his ordeal to his rescuers, stating that although she had been a well loved colleague, in the end he was glad 'e ate 'er.


I'll fuck off now
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 14:31, Reply)

I hired this bloke to take care of my rodent problem with trained cats
but it turned out he didn't have any, he actually owned a fish farm.

He was all trout and no mousers.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:19, Reply)

Bloke walks into a cake shop in Glasgow.
Points at the counter and says, 'Is that a macaroon or a meringue?'
The baker says, 'Nah, yer right, it's a macaroon.'
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 15:25, Reply)