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Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.

(

rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)

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Okay Dewbellies
It time for Aunty Wormulus' problem corner.

Share your needy simperings with the whole forum.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:11, 195 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Well
I have to give an example on an application form of when I have demonstrated fairness and honesty in the workplace. If I state that a colleague had a face like a bag of spanners, but on the plus side she had cracking tits and made a lovely cuppa, will I get marked down for this?
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:14, Reply)

I wouldn't mention the cuppa DG
You don't want to look sexist or like you aren't in touch with your feminine, tea-making side.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:17, Reply)

You might want to revise the wording slightly
"The individual concerned had certain personal challenges, compensated by creative abilities and attributes which were of significant team benefit."
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:18, Reply)

These are both excellent suggestions.
I will run them up the flagpole and see which way they blow.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:22, Reply)

What are you applying for?

(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:25, Reply)

Project coordinator for a social housing charity.

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:26, Reply)

Tell them you like houses and you once gave a begger 50p.

(

girlinthehole, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:27, Reply)

hahahaha

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:29, Reply)

Not far from what you did, then
I'd say my wording would be better than Jeff's.
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:31, Reply)

Not too far, no.
The application's a fucking nightmare though. Trying to give examples of how I demonstrate their 7 key values in less than 50 words has been a pain in the arse. And trying not to repeat myself in the "what did you do in your last job" bit and "how do you meet the job description" bit is proving a bit tricky as well. I wish I had a printer, flitting between documents and remembering stuff is a bit of a pain.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:36, Reply)

That's actually quite a smart selection process
I think the best suggestion I can give is stick to the positives - "I achieved, I enabled, I attained, I established" etc..

Plenty more of those words. Good luck anyway.
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:56, Reply)

Absolutely.
Successfully implemented...
Introduced....
Led a project/team
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:58, Reply)

Also
Don't see 50 words as the goal, see it as a challenge.

If you can say it in 25 words don't feel that you have to flesh it out.
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:01, Reply)

I've got the word count down.
A couple may be slightly over, but they usually allow a bit of tolerance. I've hacked out unnecessary exposition and just stuck to the facts. I suppose if I get an interview they'll want me to expand on examples anyway.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:20, Reply)

They might be looking for concision.
I'd offer to help further but I've never recruited for public sector before.
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:26, Reply)

*fewer

(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:18, Reply)

Pedant.

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:20, Reply)

If you're concerned that seeing which way they blow might sound a bit gay....
You could always run them up the flagpole and see who salutes.

*Hello Sailor!*
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:25, Reply)

I'm restless.
I thought I'd found peace in my current home but I'm experiencing the urge to move on. I'm a lot more social than I used to be but I still daydream of living on a deserted island all on my own to paint and keep livestock. I've had this dream since I was young and it never goes away.

What should I do?
(

girlinthehole, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:25, Reply)

You should move to the seaside.
You'll have a deserted beach in the winter (which is a bit like an island) and people visiting you all summer 'cos you live by the beach.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:28, Reply)

And you could play crazy-golf all year round!

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:28, Reply)

HOw about South Wales! There's nobody there

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:37, Reply)

Your next move is into sheltered housing

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:28, Reply)

hahaha

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:28, Reply)

Accept your lot in life
I'd love an animal sanctuary but it's not going to happen.
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:29, Reply)

Leave some jam on the kitchen floor and start an ant farm.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:29, Reply)

Must I?
Surely it's better to keep searching for the life I deserve?
(

girlinthehole, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:31, Reply)

If you find it
You've beaten 99.5% of us.

(Except Chavs, who live the life they deserve).
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:35, Reply)

Dear BGB
Your problem is more common than you think.
Perhaps try discussing your need for complete solitude with others that feel the same way.

Wormulus
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:51, Reply)

Nuns?

(

girlinthehole, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:53, Reply)

Dear BGB
You would make an excellent nun.
Have you considered this as an option?
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:54, Reply)

Dirty habit lolz.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:55, Reply)

Surprisingly yes!
Unfortunately my hatred of all patriarchal religious dogma has thwarted this dream.
(

girlinthehole, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:59, Reply)

Move next door to us.

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:25, Reply)

What shall I do this evening?
I have Weeds season 4 or all of the only season of Studio 60 On Sunset Strip. Which should I start watching first?
(

scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:34, Reply)

Put some washing on and then run the vacuum round, then listen to the radio.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:35, Reply)

Dear Scarpe
Your problem is more common than you think.
You will ultimately end up watching both, I recommend watching both this evening, starting in Alphabetical order.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:52, Reply)

My problem of mental clunge living four doors down has been well documented.
She tracked me down in a club last night and threw a pint glass at my feet for forgetting her birthday - she has never once mentioned her birthday.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:49, Reply)

Yes she has. Last night, When she threw a glass at your feet.
Christ, you really are forgetful.
(

scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:51, Reply)

You need to have a word with her.
And with yourself.

What would the Nigerian Whites make of your piss-poor show?
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:52, Reply)

I decided to get absolutely smashed to escape from her.
It just ended up with me agreeing to go back to hers and shagging her bareback. Three times. When's the idiot of the year awards cos I need to start preparing my acceptance speech.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:58, Reply)

Ah the follies of youth.
*reminices*
(

girlinthehole, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:00, Reply)

Wooh! You've shagged Barry as well?

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:01, Reply)

You won't have time for that.
You'll be too busy filling in an application form for McDonalds as you'll have to start saving for a pram.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:00, Reply)

I've told all my house mates that it would be absolutely hilarious if she does end up pregnant.
And I'm laughing at the thought of it, cos it would be ridiculous. If it happens I'm jumping off Tyne Bridge.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:02, Reply)

You'd probably survive.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:06, Reply)

She has text me twice and rang me in the last twenty minutes :(

(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:09, Reply)

Oh Barry
You have a chance of sex and you're not sure.

Just get in there. Stop fucking whinging. If some bird a few doors down from me was after a bit I'd be there like shit off a shiney shovel.

I'm 43 next month. No hope and Bob Hope.

Do it you silly git.
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:16, Reply)

Well that makes me feel better about my 43-year-old chances
Git.
(

The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:33, Reply)

If you're going to shag around
Do it when you're younger.

Shagging around chances don't come readily at a later age.
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:39, Reply)

She doesn't just want sex.
She wants a full on relationship and thinks we're in one. I want nothing of the sort.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:02, Reply)

Stop shagging her then.

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:07, Reply)

Dear Barry, don't easily discount the high probability of you contracting an infection or disease of some kind, what with her being a manky horse
That said she stands more chance of catching something from you lols I have no sympathy for either party.
(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:13, Reply)

Dear Barry
Your problem is more common than you think.
MTFU.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 19:53, Reply)

I reckon Jody Marsh's labia could beat me in an arm wrestle match
i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/10/04/article-0-0E37F77B00000578-377_306x465.jpg
(

G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:08, Reply)

Dear Wormy
I just got in from work, where I decided to go to my favorite place in the house; the toilet, and read about the new iPhone and see what Apple are up too.

For 4 odd years now I've been watching every single Apple press conferance, excited by new shiney products, but this year I genunienly don't give the slightest shit about the new iPhone, it's totally not worth upgrading for, so now I'm confused, as my contract is up in November.

Should I go for a sim-free contract, saving me about £50/month, or maybe go for the HTC Titan, which looks totally awesome, and still save £30/month ?
(

G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:07, Reply)

Is this a first Gonz?
You spending time in the toilet and not having any sort of tiny shit.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:12, Reply)

It's true, I couldn't give a shit.

(

G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:14, Reply)

I'm watching Brewster's Millions.
As you were.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:29, Reply)

Of its time, isn't it

(

Kroney, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:35, Reply)

I just got back from my first archery lesson
My right arm now has a bruise where the string grazed it.
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:40, Reply)

Hit Gold?

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:44, Reply)

Henry Kelly

(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:45, Reply)

Tree Points!

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:46, Reply)

You have control of the game Gunther

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:47, Reply)

OOh - now I'm going for the red Henry

(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:48, Reply)

*shudder*
i was trying to not think of that
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:48, Reply)

once
but mostly this week it was about getting the draw right and getting good groupings on the target, and I did OK at that
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:47, Reply)

Was there any cupid there to hit you with his arrow of love?

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:48, Reply)

Normal people go to pub and play darts.
LARPers do archery.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:48, Reply)

I'm terrible at darts
i need things to be more like weaponry
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:49, Reply)

Pork swords eh

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:51, Reply)

Spam javelins eh eh

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:51, Reply)

Love trucheons

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:52, Reply)

Penis Pilum

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:52, Reply)

yes

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:52, Reply)

Mutton daggers.

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:52, Reply)

Yeah, that too

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:52, Reply)

Lamb lance.

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:55, Reply)

Dear Cavy
Your problem is more common than you think.
Cut off the bruised area.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:47, Reply)

will do
carving knife or scalpel?
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:49, Reply)

knifey-spoony!

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:50, Reply)

Oh man, that actually sounds like a lot of fun

(

G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:05, Reply)

yeah it is
it's a 6 week course, then i can join The Bowmen of Gower. But then I have to spend pennies on a bow
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:22, Reply)

Dear Aunty Wormulus.
Your advice column is shit. I've been reading it for at least an hour now, and find it sorely lacking in those photo re-enactments where a woman has thought bubble doubts regarding her partners faithfulness, whilst dressed in a bra and knickers.

Please could you rectify this, otherwise I shall find myself going elsewhere.
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:51, Reply)

All problems should be resolved by scantiliy clad ladies
A FACT that our so called Government seems to have overlooked.
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:01, Reply)

Yeah, but what would their options be?
Theresa fucking May? I know that she shares her name with a porn star, but really..?
(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:03, Reply)

Dear Wormulous
also, i need to have a powerpoint done for a class tomorrow, but I haven't done it yet and I'm tired and lazy right now.
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:52, Reply)

Dear Captain Cavy.
Get off your lazy arse and get it done.

Jeff.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:56, Reply)

but my memory stick with teh notes on
is in the kitchen

/whine
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:58, Reply)

Wormulus, it's nice of you to ask.
The thing is, you see, that no matter how hard I try I just cannot stop being an utter cunt.
Oh and an alcoholic and a waster.
What should I do?
(

blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:52, Reply)

There's a seven point plan somewhere...

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:54, Reply)

I fucking invented it.
And you know what?
It's shit.
The product of a cunt.
(

blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:56, Reply)

No. 7: Have a drink.

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:57, Reply)

No. 7 would be Jack Daniels, unless I'm mistaken.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:59, Reply)

B69 likes nothing better than a fridge cold Special Brew or eighteen

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:01, Reply)

b69 if you don't mind.
If it was good enough for Churchill etc.
I actually prefer my spesh warm, goes down quicker.
(

blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:04, Reply)

Really? I'm not adverse to drinking tramp juice on occasion, but it has to be cold otherwise it's unbearable.

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:09, Reply)

Well you're obviously not yet full enough of despair and hatred.
Unlike my good self.
(

blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:11, Reply)

I'll keep it that way, cheers
Stay away from your van when pissed and in control of your child B69.
(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:15, Reply)

Patronising or pompous, either way I look at that you're a cock.
How much of this do you actually believe is real?
Way to much I would guess.
(

blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:23, Reply)

The word that you scramble for with your child like simplicity is "too", you illiterate dusty-kneed serf.

(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:26, Reply)

Indeed it is, you pompous and/or patronising cock.
You really are something, something...
Sorry, didn't mean to forget my station.
Tugs forelock, backs out of room.

Edit: and as I pointed out to you up there ^^ it's b69 not B69, you equally illiterate wanker.
(

blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:34, Reply)

Get a room

(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:36, Reply)

Sorry Aunty :(

(

blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:38, Reply)

Dear Blaireau69
You problem is that your attempts are doomed to failure because you have no idea what you are doing.
You were wise to consult me.

In order to stop being such a complete cunt you need to focus on other people's needs ahead of your own. Focus on pleasing those around you and maintaining an air of grace and charm.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:04, Reply)

Sounds a bit gay, if you don't (or indeed do) mind me saying.
And I don't mean gay in a good way.
(

blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:06, Reply)

And it's blaireau69 NOT Blaireau69.
If you don't mind.
(

blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:08, Reply)

Dear Blaireau69
A good example of an area you could improve in would be your use of the word 'gay' in a pejorative sense.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:08, Reply)

That's rather a gay thing to say.
If you know what I mean.
Kisses
blaireau69
(

blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:10, Reply)

One of my housemates is an utter gimpoid and apart from being annoying is also lazy and doing
a degree in advertising. How can I end him?
(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:54, Reply)

I suggest you start with a leaflet campaign.
They'll really appreciate that.

Why didn't you come to the pier Bob?
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 20:56, Reply)

Yeah, you miserable fucker. Where were you?
We all managed to make it.
(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:00, Reply)

Err.. .I was there.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:06, Reply)

I know YOU were there, silly.
I was backing you up, and grumping at Bobby.
(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:06, Reply)

He was having one of his 'fat days'.
I tried to tell him that we all love his personality and that his waist size doesn't come into it.
(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:00, Reply)

it'll help his esteem
if you treat him better in the bedroom
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:03, Reply)

Will you please just gaz me a pic of your cock so I can play with myself

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:04, Reply)

Had a lecture before I fly out to the States.
I will come to a christmas bash is applicable?
(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:03, Reply)

are you in the states now?

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:04, Reply)

14th I fly

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:10, Reply)

Are you going on Yoda airways?

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:28, Reply)

^ Annoyed this didn't even get one 'ha'

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:43, Reply)

Are you going to organise a Christmas bash Bob.... I'm sure it'll be a 'Cracker!'

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:08, Reply)

you are a sweaty jew

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:17, Reply)

*flicks the Vs*

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:19, Reply)

Flicks the on switch of the chamber.

(

SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:21, Reply)

Dear dr3wyork
Your problem is more common than you think.
The best way to end your friend is to point out to him frequently that he contributes nothing to the sum happiness of his species.
Perhaps remind him that his career will never be as successful as the individual whose sole contribution to mankind's endeavours was to come up with the slogan 'Yorkie; Its not for girls'.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:06, Reply)

Dear Aunty Wormulus
What's a 4-letter abbreviation commonly used to exhort someone to have courage when tackling an issue?
(

The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:03, Reply)

GWTP

(

girlinthehole, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:05, Reply)

TTFN?

(

Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:05, Reply)

Dear Light
The answer you seek is MTFU.
You also gain bonus points for not describing it as an acronym.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:07, Reply)

Dear Wormulus
LIC is beating about the bush, he really wants to know how a middle aged virgin with zero social skillz can finally score some poon.
(

Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:12, Reply)

Dear Rory
His problem is more common than you think.
Many house-whale internet virgins struggle to get laid, however, it is very simple to remedy the situation.
LIC needs to attend b3ta bashes and find the most insecure looking women in attendance, he should then pull their pigtails all evening, whilst pretending that he is devastatingly interesting and attractive. The selected internet-girl will then inevitably decide that he is interesting and attractive and allow an evening of appalling, teenage sex where both parties pretend they have a fucking clue.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:14, Reply)

So where did you go wrong?
Insufficient pigtail pulling?
(

The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:36, Reply)

I'm not a bottom feeder.

(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:38, Reply)

in the month I have been in my new house
my feckless housemate has washed her dishes perhaps twice. She doesn't appear to work and makes more mess than any of the rest of us. She also chose 5.15am this morning as an ideal time to shout at her boyfriend/tv/annoying yapper type dog. How do I best refrain from kicking her fucking head in?
(berk, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:08, Reply)

Leave a pair of your used skiddies on her bedroom door handle.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:09, Reply)

Then post them to Gonz.

(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:21, Reply)

Don't refrain. Just fucking do it.
Do(es) the other housemate(s) have the same problem with her?
(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:10, Reply)

I really don't understand why there's any washing up at all
given that there's a fucking dishwasher. the others all do their washing up within 24 hours of leaving it, and two of us use the dishwasher, but she makes a fucking tip and doesn't bother to do a thing about it. there has been no cutlery since friday last week and i'm buggered if i'm sorting it out for everyone else. once a mug, always a mug etc.
(berk, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:14, Reply)

No mugs either?

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:15, Reply)

I don't drink hot drinks and thus don't use them
so I don't really give a shit about that.
(berk, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:20, Reply)

Maybe you should call a house meeting?
It might even be worth involving the agents.
(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:18, Reply)

I can't imagine the FBI will care that much b3th.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:22, Reply)

but that seems such a wanky thing to do
she hasn't been tremendously well so i'll give her a month to sort her act out.
(berk, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:23, Reply)

In the meantime, check the terms of your contract (I assume you will all have the same one?)
It might have some clause about keeping the place in good order.
(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:26, Reply)

Jesus Christ
just have a word.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:28, Reply)

Me?
I don't even know the girl!
(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:30, Reply)

Of course you do.
It's berk.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:31, Reply)

Try something like this
*knock knock*
Hey [NAME] sorry to bother you, have you got a minute?
Just wanted a quick word about [YOUR GRIEVANCES]. I'd really appreciate it if [YOUR REQUEST].
How would you feel about that?
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:31, Reply)

Dear Berk
your problem is more common than you think.
Your problem stems from your inability to control your life. Take control of your domestic environment by choosing housemates who aren't dicks.

In the interim perhaps you could consider discussing your misgivings with your housemate. A good way to do this would be through the leaving of passive aggressive notes attached to your fridge by means of magnetic letters.

If this doesn't work, perhaps you could restrain your desire to cause her harm by remembering that you are a reasonable human being and not a fucking toddler.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:12, Reply)

yeah, nobody wants to be the douchey note-leaving housemate
the fact that I do 90% of the cleaning and tidying in the kitchen is starting to upset me though.
(berk, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:17, Reply)

Draw up a rota.
And I don't mean an engaged scouser.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:18, Reply)

hahahah

(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:19, Reply)

Dear berk
I've thought more about your problem.
The correct approach is to moan about it on the internet and act like a child about the most basic of human disputes rather than with any semblance of maturity or common-sense.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:28, Reply)

excellent
I seem to have solved my problem in that case.
(berk, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:31, Reply)

You could invite her to poke your stomach
she'll probably move out on her own after that.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:34, Reply)

you didn't have to
but I thought it might freak you out enough to stop asking questions.
(berk, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:39, Reply)

I'll admit
it was probably the most interesting thing I heard all evening.
I thought quite a lot about it on the journey home.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:44, Reply)

It's hard to not read this as the creepiest thing I've heard all evening

(

The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:52, Reply)

It made me question whether or not I'd have done any differently.
Admittedly I've never been and never will be fat but I couldn't think of a logical reason why berk's decision should bother me.

It bothered Lampito as well, although I think she may have her own reasons.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 22:07, Reply)

Dear Berk
This is the most passive aggressive response you could have given.
Congratulations.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:19, Reply)

This sort of shit is why i live alone
It does make the subsequent arguments over why i never do any housework rather surreal, however.
(

Kroney, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:22, Reply)

I've lived on my own since 2005
sharing again after all that time is an interesting experience.
(berk, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:28, Reply)

I did it at university
after that, never again. Other things on my "never again" list include;

-going to pontypridd
-negotiating with a mexican
-sex on a bus
(

Kroney, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:32, Reply)

sex on a bus
Sounds like a 'Happy Shopper' cocktail.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:34, Reply)

halls was the last time I shared too
it's taken me six years to get over the trauma of that, and I still wouldn't consider sharing unless I had my own bathroom.
(berk, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:37, Reply)

Dear Auntie Wormulus
People are shit. What should they do about this?

Yours

b3th (37 and three quarters)
(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:08, Reply)

Me and you should totally run away together.

(

girlinthehole, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:09, Reply)

That sounds ace
except, I should warn you that I am hell to live with.
(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:11, Reply)

I'll bet you are.
You were sitting right next to the dusty bit of the pier and you didn't even notice.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:11, Reply)

Yeah, I'm not even the slightest bit domestic.

(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:14, Reply)

Still, you've always got your golfing career to fall back on.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:15, Reply)

*frowns*

(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:16, Reply)

I thought you were older than that!
*Runs*
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:09, Reply)

Thanks.
That would make me older than Monty, which would be incredibly depressing.

It's bad enough that I'm only two months younger than he is.
(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:12, Reply)

Oi!
I'm nearly eight years older.
(

girlinthehole, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:14, Reply)

You're only as young as the man you feel
which makes me nearly 67.
(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:20, Reply)

Dear b3th
You should be happy that people are shit. Everyone should be given the opportunity to succeed or fail.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:13, Reply)

and if people are shit
its easier to be better than them
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:17, Reply)

Dear Wormulous
all the spot lights have stopped working in my bathroom, and I broke the lamp I had in there. Oh and the lightbulb i bought to replace the broken one was not the right fitting.

I need a bath.
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:11, Reply)

Captain.
With a lack of Wormy support, might I suggest you light some candles and have a romantic bath for one.
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:12, Reply)

Is that the new euphemism for 'a nice leisurely wank'?

(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:15, Reply)

hahaha

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:16, Reply)

I suppose it could be.
Although it might be worth putting the candle out first. Unless you wanted to invent the waxing-wank....

*Runs off to Dragons' Den to get investment*
(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:16, Reply)

i went for the candles thing
but found i had lots of matches and no matchbox to light them on until i relised i'd used it for a pinhole camera some time ago. So yeah, i just lit a candle off of a camera.

i'm not sure how that all got complicated. I think I'm tired
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:41, Reply)

Dear Cavy
Wait until dawn.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:14, Reply)

i don't do mornings
oh, and my bathroom is largely underground
(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:15, Reply)

Are you a Womble?

(

b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:17, Reply)

no the ground just got higher than the house in some places

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:20, Reply)

LARPing is a bit of an underground movement.

(

JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:29, Reply)

Dear Wormulous
I think I need a new clutch on a 2001 Suzuki GV. How do you go about it?
(

The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:15, Reply)

Dear the Disappointed
Use the internet.
(

WormuIus, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 21:20, Reply)

Dear Wormulus
In the recent past, I was considered suave, handsome and exciting by people both 'on the internet' and by real people, offline.

This appears to have subsided more recently, however can a man like me regain my former virility?

Yours Winningly,

Plumdozer you fucking plum.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 4 Oct 2011, 22:14, Reply)

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