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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Enough commuting chat
Meetings. One to ones. Appraisals. I fucking hate them all.

Whats the silliest thing you've heard/said in one of these?

Alt:
Stupidest thing to come out of your mouth during a date/evening?
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:22, 152 replies, latest was 10 years ago)
*awaits obvious answer to alt involving swipe*

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:29, Reply)
I genuinely didnt think of that
I was thinking of a swipe tale where her mate kissed someone on a date and the the full Borat "Is Naaaayce" afterwards
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:31, Reply)
I fucking hate '1-2-1s', appraisals, and 'balanced scorecards'. What a steaming pile of turd.
Our place is a fucking joke. At the end of the year you'll get a 'grading'. The underlying scoring system hasn't changed in years - it's 1 (shit) to 5 (too good to be working here) but they keep rewording what each number means to lessen the blow. For example a 2 used to be 'partially met expectations' but now it's 'developing performer'. I fucking hate it.

But the most annoying thing is that your grading isn't actually based on how well you've done - it's how well you've done in relation to everyone else in your 'peer group'. So if you're in a team of high flyers then you're fucked. Similarly if you're in a team of half-wits you're quids in. The killer is though that there is a bell curve showing how the scores are to be distributed.

This involves all the managers getting together and having an argument over who gets ranked where.

I've had conversations with my boss that went like "Well Rev, you've done really well this year. Lots of good work and there's nothing I can really fault you on. Of course we haven't decided on the gradings yet so just to let you know that someone has to get the 2 and it might be your turn this year."

And they expect this to motivate us. Cunts.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:38, Reply)
Ours is similar.
But it links in to pay rises, from a central pot which is decided annually. So you can do shit-hot one year and get fuck all, but mediocre and get lucky.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:43, Reply)
Yeah, like payrises exist

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:45, Reply)
Public sector cunts going on strike because of a 'derisory' 1% pay increase
I got fucking 0.75% and that was after being rated a 'good performer'. If I'd got a 'developing performer' I'd have got fuck all.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:47, Reply)
You're right, we should race to the bottom

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:53, Reply)
Bagsie first go
You can all have chocolate custard
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:54, Reply)
I had a small, piss-taking pay rise this year.
So SUCK ON MY ALMOST INSIGNIFICANT SUCCESS
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:47, Reply)
I got fuck all

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:51, Reply)
^sucking it^

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:58, Reply)
Suckling from the garlicky teat

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:59, Reply)
Exactly this.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:45, Reply)
I haven't worked for a company big enough to bother with all that bullshit since I was about 20.
My only 'appraisal' at this job was in October when I had been here a year and my boss said 'I appreciate what you're doing, here's a 20% pay rise'. I'd like that to happen this year too, but I doubt it will be as much.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:45, Reply)
I managed £13k of payrises in my first 4 years here

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:51, Reply)
Only another £7k for me and I will earn what I earned 2 years ago :(((

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:54, Reply)
Ouch.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:00, Reply)
Redundancy was a bit of a kick in the nuts.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:01, Reply)
Its taken me nearly 10 years to get back to the wage I was earning as Global Marketing Director of Jimmy HIll .com
(well as a spivvy sales rep conning the gullible)
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:02, Reply)
I will be giving myself a kind of pay rise when I stop paying for my train season ticket, to the tune of about 5 grand \o/

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:04, Reply)
Are you moving in with Swipe?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:07, Reply)
No, he's buying a train

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:07, Reply)
I stay with her through out the week pretty much, and just go home weekends so it doesn't make sense to keep paying for it, cheaper to get an oyster card and buy 'weekender' tickets

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:08, Reply)
* plans hat purchase *

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:09, Reply)
Ha!
No.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:10, Reply)
You're denying Lemmy the opportunity to do
this?
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:19, Reply)
Okay I'm changing my mind.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:20, Reply)
Yes!

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:27, Reply)
omg want want want
quick, you marry frog!
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:40, Reply)
I am making Lemmy a hat

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:45, Reply)
he'd be frightened of it
then he'd ignore it
then he'd chew it to death
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:55, Reply)
Worst wedding meal ever.
No meat. 3 courses - all consisting of cheese, chocolate and nuts. Forks provided for the ice cream. Fucking hell.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:14, Reply)
raw cheese only

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:16, Reply)
^TGGI Wrong

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:16, Reply)
As long as I get something thats whats important though right?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:19, Reply)
I dont mind proper meetings where shit actually gets done
But 90% of them are glad handing bullshit meetings to decide what goes on in the next meeting...

Haven't had a work appraisal in about 6 years I just chat with my boss when I need to.

Alt. Had a moment on a first date where thought and speech got mixed up and I said out loud words to the effect of "god I would really like to fuck you up the arse" which seeing as we had only been talking for about 10 minutes didn't go down that well.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:51, Reply)
Altlols
How did you get out of that?
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:53, Reply)
He fucked him up the arse, duh cow, keep up.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:55, Reply)
lol

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:58, Reply)
He forced her

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:55, Reply)
I have a knife
get in the van
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:56, Reply)
^^^

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:58, Reply)
I didnt...
We had one the of most uncomfortable 45 minute dates I have ever been on and then she had "somewhere else to be"

Unlike in all the porn films where she would have dragged me into an alleyway
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:56, Reply)
A back alley?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:58, Reply)
if only...
She was properly fit too... on the plus side a friend of a friend went out with her a couple of years after this incident and said that she would only have sex missionary so not all bad
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:08, Reply)
There are other positions?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:23, Reply)
Yes, you can fuck off
/ac
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:28, Reply)
We had practice meetings every week which I hated.The buffets were good though. I had regular appraisals to keep the med licence, were pieces of piss really.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:53, Reply)
When did you do the real meetings then?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:53, Reply)
Lols. I suggested we had chicken drumsticks, which was implemented.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:57, Reply)
Meetings are generally boring, pointless and too long.
I've never had an appraisal.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:57, Reply)
Any meeting can be completed in 30 mins
Longer than that and you are wasting time
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 10:59, Reply)
Most meetings I attend could easily take place without the need for me sitting there scowling.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:00, Reply)
this^
Stupid fucking Google calendars are shit for popup reminders too
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:07, Reply)
At one point I was looking after an old system while it's replacement was being built.
So, every Monday I dozed off and sweated slime in an hour+ long meeting while people talked about complete irrelevancies then at the very end they said 'is everything ok with support?' and I groaned and said 'yes it is'.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:14, Reply)
you should have had a flash card and when they asked just raised it.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:17, Reply)
GORMO'S ALIIIIIVE!!!!!

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:17, Reply)
Our appraisals consist of me marking myself as "exceeds expectations" in all categories
and my boss marking me as "meets expectations". Then we have a meeting to discuss the ratings which ends with me getting "meets expectations" in all categories.

Still, I got a 6% payrise last year so I really don't mind.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:32, Reply)
I haven't had an appraisal for three years.
The last time, we sat down to discuss my performance and I was asked how it could be improved. I asked whether an improvement in my performance would lead to a pay rise, and I was told no. I asked if I failed to improve, or even maintain my current standards, would it lead to disciplinary? I was told no.

I asked them if there was any point in this. I was told no.

Unfortunately the HR director cottoned on a few days ago, so I have to have one tomorrow, so it's time to go through the same shit again.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:37, Reply)
I like this up until the having to do it again bit

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:42, Reply)
Yep.
Cunts.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:52, Reply)
I tend to get an annual pay-cut.
Every Christmas, they announce a 10% cut in rate for contractors. Then at the next point you renew, you negotiate the 10% back.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:39, Reply)
Excellent

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:42, Reply)
mine have all been pretty sensible really
i work very closely with my boss, so nothing either of us says is a surprise. they are very generous on payrises too, i'm on 33% more than when i joined a few years ago, and i got a lovely bonus this year too (insert obligatory tax rant).

but filling out the form is a ballache. you just end up using a thesauraus to rewrite last year's shit.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:43, Reply)
I just submit last years verbatim.
Nobody has ever noticed, or if they have, they don't care.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:58, Reply)
Speaking of commuting, if I want to drive to Cologne for our Chrimbleypops hollibobs (and I do)
I'd have to buy winter tyres, some new wheels to put them on, plus a spare, plus chains, plus a hi-vis jacket, plus a triangle, plus a breathalyzer for the Frogs as I'd have to travel through their woebegone country to get there.

Fucking European jobsworths.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:55, Reply)
That is why I vote UKIP.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:58, Reply)
I highly resent not being able to do whatever the hell I want abroad purely on the strength of being British.
No damned respect anymore, since we lost the Empire.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:02, Reply)
Why dont you get the ferry to holland and drive that way...
You don't have to go through france its just a homing instinct
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:06, Reply)
Invade Poland on the way.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:10, Reply)
I think you're a bit confused as to where Holland is

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:21, Reply)
Eurotunnel ain't a ferry, blud.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:20, Reply)
Didnt say it was numbnuts I said to get the ferry to holland

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:59, Reply)
Two breathalysers

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:17, Reply)
Oh for Christ's sake.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:21, Reply)
If you used one, you wouldn't be carrying one see

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:21, Reply)
What if I use two?
WHERE WILL THE MADNESS END?
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:22, Reply)
Cologne

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:24, Reply)
Fucking lazy French cunt police not being arsed enough to carry their own breathalysers.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:25, Reply)
Just do all your driving at lunchtime*, they won't bother you then.


*Roughly between noon and 3pm
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:27, Reply)
I expect you have to have them because the Frog coppers literally can't carry enough
to breathalyse every person they stop for dangerous driving.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:28, Reply)
The police in France went on strike a couple of years ago
because the government was taking away their daily lunchtime half-bottle wine ration.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:31, Reply)
Why winter tyres? Is that a thing there or are you just a Nancy?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:20, Reply)
It's a thing there. You have to have winter tyres in most places except France
and in Germany you need to have chains in the boot, too.

Pricks. No wonder they lost the war.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:21, Reply)
Really? When is the change over done?
I'm off up to Belgium in a few weeks.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:22, Reply)
I haven't seen what Belgium does.
In Germany it's if there's snow on the road. Most people change in October, I think.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:24, Reply)
I'm going to go up through France, so i'll need all the Bollocks frog nonsense.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:29, Reply)
Winter tyres aren't needed in France, at least.
You would need chains, though.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:30, Reply)
As the man said: breathalysers, hi-vis jacket, carry your driving licence etc with you

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:31, Reply)
Both parts driving licence, proof of insurance, proof of ownership
three bags full of wool, plenty of money for bribes and the fucking kitchen sink.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:32, Reply)
Both parts of licence?
Crikey, and insurance docs and stuff?
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:36, Reply)
I know man, it's bureaucracy gone mad.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:37, Reply)
It's the law in Germany
I believe
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:23, Reply)
I bought winter tyres for my Saab.
But that's only because someone at work was selling them for £100 and it cost more than that per tyre on the alloys it had.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:33, Reply)
TBH it's probably a pretty good investment getting some extra wheels with winter tyres anyway
the way the winters have been recently.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:25, Reply)
Driving on snow in summer tyres doesn't bother me.
It's only legislating for the lowest common denobinator and I suppose it snows often enough in Europe to be necessary.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:27, Reply)
I can only assume you've never had to spend the night in the car because its impossible to drive with summer tyres.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:33, Reply)
No, I haven't.
But I have driven in heavy snow on multiple occasions, so take from that what you will.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:34, Reply)
I suppose it all depends.
But it'll only take one bad experience to convert you.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:36, Reply)
Well, I dunno, I'm not a perfect driver by any means
but all the people I've seen getting stuck are either driving impossibly unsuitable vehicles for the conditions or just flat-out morons.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:40, Reply)
I got stuck once at the bottom of a steep dip on a duel carriageway.
Absolutely no way of getting up ether side. Absolutely fucked. That changed my mind.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:43, Reply)
I still can't believe the veracity of my cv came up at my appraisal in 2007.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 11:59, Reply)
2007 was when you were American President, right?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:08, Reply)
Armenian
It was a simple typo
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:19, Reply)
NO YOUN A MEANY ONE

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:25, Reply)
I'm due an appraisal, in fact I'm over due,
But my manager seems to have disappeared. I used to hear from him once a week or so, as least via email, but he's been off the radar for a while.
Never really had to go through them before. I did hold appraisals with my staff at one pub, and it was quickly apparent that they were stupid, so everyone just got an extra pound an hour for putting up with shit pub work.

Alt: I don't think I've ever said anything stupid, but I did once throw a pint if bitter and a large gin and tonic over a girl on a first date after missing the step up to the garden.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:19, Reply)
I had a staff meeting Sunfay morning, all of ten minites, and bought a cake, whichwas appreciated, at least by the ones who turned up. Lazy cunts.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:33, Reply)
Your staff seem shit tbh.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:34, Reply)
It's as if minimum wage staff aren't interested in turning up to something in their own time to be told by the new management how they want them to do the jobs they've been doing for ages already.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:35, Reply)
Exactly this.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:36, Reply)
Clever ain't I?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:41, Reply)
Tbh, I would have done the same.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:44, Reply)
Stop whinging then.
Cheers.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:45, Reply)
Why the pisst response, I was replying to a thread?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:47, Reply)
God, you can't even get your own 'meme' right.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:48, Reply)
One of McBeef's

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:51, Reply)
I was a fabulous bar man.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:42, Reply)

bulous t
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:44, Reply)
Nope. I was a hottie back in the day!

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:50, Reply)

h e
b r
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:51, Reply)
You look a little bit like Gazza
#twitterrumours
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:51, Reply)
I knocked him back from a club once.
*eats chicken and goes fishing*

strikethrough fisting
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:54, Reply)
That twitter pic with your fella, I though you looked a bit like him there.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:55, Reply)
SEE?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:57, Reply)
Haha!! and not a drink was supped.
I was majorly tired and hate photos.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 13:00, Reply)
And you and gazza have the same face

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 13:01, Reply)
I assume they all look like that

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 13:03, Reply)
LACIST!

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 13:06, Reply)
uncanny

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 13:01, Reply)
There is a bit of Gazza about our jaysums

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 13:05, Reply)
all mine all mine!

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 13:06, Reply)
Not even for cake?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:45, Reply)
Not since 2007.
Oh! Cake!
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:48, Reply)
he wasn't a prominent celeb in the 70's/80's was he?
Quite a few of them disappearing these days.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:34, Reply)
I was once given an appraisal by an outside management consultant
He started by introducing himself and giving me the bad news that, if I didn't 'raise my game significantly' they'd have to 'look at an exterior redeployment' I:E fire me.
It wasn't my appraisal - he thought I was someone else and hadn't bothered to even ask my name.

Twunt
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:20, Reply)
I am nothing but friendly and articulate in all my meetings. Unless alcohol is involved.
I have sorted my excel formula woes from yesterday. Turns out I was leaving out a comma. Fucking commies.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:33, Reply)
Wagyu beef burgers y/n?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:33, Reply)
A place down the road does wagyu beef.
A little note underneath says "although originally from Japan, wagyu beef is now reared all over the world".

Meaning, I suspect, that unless specifically stated to be Japanese reared wagyu, you're actually getting a part of Daisy (no. 4682) fromt he farm down the road.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:36, Reply)
I know you can get Scottish waygu now. They had some in the butchers for £4.95 each, thought I might give them a go later, for a treat.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:38, Reply)
Bit like 'Aberdeen Angus' then?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:39, Reply)
Burgers are for plebs so will suit you mush.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:37, Reply)
oh ok

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:39, Reply)
What's the vegetarian option?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:38, Reply)
n

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:39, Reply)
stuffed peppers

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:39, Reply)
Again :(

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:40, Reply)
One's probably enough right?

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:40, Reply)
yeah we don't eat much

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:41, Reply)
Which is why I don't understand why your lot complain when served a meal the same as everyone else but just minus the meat.

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:42, Reply)
If you're going to be a prissy little princess over your eating habits
you're going to get the green salad and you're going to be grateful.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:42, Reply)
Cheap generic shit
Kobe is real deal.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:39, Reply)
NO BASKETBALL CHAT

(, Tue 19 Aug 2014, 12:41, Reply)

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