Think back to when you were at school
There were always rumours about teachers. When I was at school we had the normal "Oh she's a lesbian, he's a transvestite" rumours. One of the more common tales was about a teacher nicknamed Squirty Burty, who was allegedly caught by a pupil, wanking in the art store room. When I was at school I believed this to be 100% trufact, but as I got older I realised it was probably just a convenient story to match the fact that his surname rhymed with squirt.

What rumours did you have about your school teachers and were any of them actually proven true?
( Peej, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:01, 142 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

One of my teachers was allegedly a nonce
But I don't think anything was proved. He was a bit strange though. But probably not a nonce.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:06, Reply)

I can't remember any really,
Two people in my class had sex in the toilet once though, I'm not sure how true that was but they both got suspended.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:07, Reply)

I worked at a secondary school for three years
Kids were always fucking in the toilets.
( Peej, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:11, Reply)

My English teacher in year 7
was rumoured to be a lesbian. A few years later she had an affair with one of the sixth form female students and was quietly sacked.

Edit: I had moved schools in year 8 so can't vouch for the veracity of the above. Went to 12 or 13 schools in total and each of them had one or more people who were to put it kindly 'strange.' The older the school the more they were tolerated
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Holden -is that you?

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:36, Reply)

you're all so phony
*cries*
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:42, Reply)

There were 3 rumours I always remember from my school
That 2 of the teachers were married (True)
That 1 teacher had epileptic fits in the worst possible places i.e. Top of stairs, middle of road (also True)
and that the English teacher was caught with one of the Sixth Formers (not true, but later to be scarily predictive)

ALSO: There was a Food Tech (Home Ec to you oldies) teacher who left the year before I joined, who would give detentions for the following things; Answering too loudly to her questions, scraping your chair, folding a tea towel wrong, not washing your hands 'her way', laughing while walking into the classroom, and last but not least, sneezing near her. It didn't matter how well you controlled it, used a hankie or anything, definite detention. Interestingly, that one was told to us by another teacher, so wasn't treated as a rumour in quite the same way!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:11, Reply)

We had similar
A rumour about the geography teacher being married to a science teacher. It was true but never confirmed so everyone talked like it was shocking despite it not being so. We also had a music teacher who was also a really good friend and mentor. He was killed by a hit a run driver which was sad. I found out before he died that he was sleeping with 3 year 11 girls. They were all together one day and all confessed that they were sleeping with someone but couldn't say who. They all agreed to tell as long as the others did. When they all found out that it was the same guy they phoned his wife. Oh dear. My reaction was "fuck it, they were all over 16" I expect my reaction would have been different if I hadn't known him.
( Peej, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:22, Reply)

I misread that as 3 11 year old girls
And was readying my pitchfork when I reread it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:23, Reply)

To try and dig up his grave?

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Yes
For my pitchfork is mighty.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:54, Reply)

"Pitchfork"
is the name of your backhoe.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:00, Reply)

It's one of many things I have named Pitchfork.
It's also the best surname I've ever seen.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:03, Reply)

My schoolmasters
and their associated bullshit rumours were incredible.

1.Mr Maharris aka ‘Mahonky’ (history) – claimed he used to be in the SAS and had shares in a South African diamond mine. ‘Look in the car park boys – look at all the shitty cars. See that one? Black. Ford. Sierra. She’s all mine’. He was a committed sadist and you could swear at him with impunity.

2.Mr Symes (music) – had a funny bouncing walk ‘because he’d tried it on with the (impossibly fit) Miss Dudley in the music cupboard and she’d kneed him in the bollocks’. Wore a dove-grey leather blouson and spoke in faux-hip style pronouncing little as ‘liddle’ and ‘if you wanna prad around’ for ‘if you want to prat around’ etc. Cunt.

3.Mr Green aka ‘Beaky’ (English) – was ‘definitely a paedophile’. No evidence for this was ever offered.

Then there were millions of other magical characters who would never be allowed to teach today such as Mr Lennox who told my brother’s class on their first day ‘bit of advice for you boys: watch out for the darkies’,
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:12, Reply)

I expect Mr Lennox
shared Prince Phillips ideas on laughing out loud.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:15, Reply)

One of my Geography teachers insisted that Captain Cook was a thief and a pirate
when pressed on his source of infomation he would, look at you and say straight faced that Captain James Cook 1728 - 1779 discoverer of Australia stole something dear from him...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Captain Cook discovered Australia did he?

(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:20, Reply)

meh, first european to have contact with etc

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:16, Reply)

This explains so much, Monty.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:39, Reply)

Then there was
headmaster Mr Beacham who accidentally sawed one of his feet off with a chainsaw (this was 100% true), Mrs Riley aka 'cyclops' who had a glass eye, Mr Lee who was a raving bender who wore brown socks and sandals and rode around the upper playground in his Sinclair C5, Mr Ogier who was from the Channel Islands and had been a captive of the Nazis as a boy, Mr Ashmead who suffered from enormous facial boils and Mr Davies aka 'Onion', who was 'a Jew'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:47, Reply)

A friend of mine had "a thing" with the art assistant

good work I always thought.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:13, Reply)

There was a kid in the year above me who was caught wanking in the toilets
but not in the cubicle, actually into the washbasin.

He was expelled and was later convicted of killing and torturing three cats and leaving their corpses in a graveyard.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:14, Reply)

Sounds like he was being abused.
Which is a cheery thought
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:22, Reply)

He was.
By Al.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Ha, top of the morning Monty.
How's liff?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:39, Reply)

Magnificent, thank you, old bean.
You?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Yeah, ok. Same as really.
Getting sick of all the election talk. They're all smarmy gits.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:02, Reply)

I have absolutely zero interest in the whole miserable affair.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:05, Reply)

^ Pretty much this ^

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:06, Reply)

If you don't vote
you have no right to complain
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:21, Reply)

I voted yesterday by post, can I complain now please?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Yes please.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:29, Reply)

How are the hallucinations today?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:31, Reply)

AAAAARGH - THE EUROS, THE EUROS!!!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:32, Reply)

AAAAARGH - NOT THE BEES, MY EYES!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Depends who you voted for

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:29, Reply)

BNP/Baby P/ Broken Britain outrage party

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:32, Reply)

I don't complain as such.
I just despise the whole fucking lot of them and their pathetic 'body language training', buzzword fucking bingo etc.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Oh, I can't argue with that
It is a bastard shame that politics is more about first impressions and likeability than it is about things like "policies" (I have to use this word gently in case there are any Tories reading)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Politics needs more moustaches

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Politics needs more executions

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:33, Reply)

History teaches us that these two things go hand in hand

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:34, Reply)

As far as I can tell, their policies are pretty much the same as each others.
massive public spending cuts after the election though.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Although I like the cut of the Zombie Parties jib.
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/election_2010/8631815.stm
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:40, Reply)

I'm definitely in favour of replacing 3 lions with 3 badgers

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 11:49, Reply)

We had an art teacher known as Ten Cigarettes.
This was the going rate for copping a feely, allegedly.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:17, Reply)

I'm confused
Was the art teacher paying 10 cigarettes to cop a feel of you, or vice versa?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 11:37, Reply)

God, bunch of paedos, the lot of them.
I went to boarding school, I know, I know...

One housemaster was discovered by one of the boarders wanking over his bed. He twatted him with a hockey stick. Another housemaster used to give cold showers as a punishment. You had to stand in the shower, while he sprayed cold water on your nads. Don't think you'd get away with that now, somehow.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:24, Reply)

I'm responding
but I did one eye *toooooo fucked up*. What was the question? I think I'll go to bed. It's 1.30am. Nite.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Sweet dreams.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I was too busy trying to stay away from school to bother what everyone was saying about the teachers.
But I do remember a female History teacher we all thought was a man.
( girlinthehole, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Did she smoke a pipe,
and wear sensible shoes?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Not really.
She just had a deep voice and a square jaw.
( girlinthehole, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Deputy headmaster nicknamed Stench
on account of his dreadful halitosis
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:44, Reply)

We had a headmaster called Mr Bent,
It was so obviously hilarious that we didn't make many jokes about it.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:45, Reply)

We had one called 'Hairy Breath, Bad Hands'.
Which worked either way round you switched it.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:46, Reply)

We had an art master who looked like an orangutan
and who was called 'death breath'...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Ours was Mr Mena
pronounced as often as we could get away with it as "misdemeanour". Lord that man stank. He was also veeeery creepy towards the 13 and 14 year old girls.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:03, Reply)

I had a maths teacher known as death breath.
Which, frankly, was something of an understatement. It was minging!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:09, Reply)

Does every school have one?
We had a history teacher who was generally lovely, as long as you didn't get to close to her exhalation. Oddly enough, "death breath" was the nicknamed bandied around.

The year after I left I found out it she had cancer of the mouth and throat. Bloody hell I felt bad...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:13, Reply)

ha ha ha ha that's horrific

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:35, Reply)

At Uni, not school
Our inorganic chemistry teacher was always all red and sweaty and smell funny. We always made fun of him, saying he was a paedo and he got so sweaty for looking at the girls with skirts.

We finally found out that he'd saved several people from a house on fire and his skin had never recovered properly.

I've never felt so bad.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:47, Reply)

we had a physics teacher
who was thought to have been a paedo - then he was cuaght touching up one of the male students in his class.

Another physics teacher was thought to be an alky who drank in his class at lunchtimes - never proved, quietly disappeared midterm one year.

In my first year at secondary school we got a new assistant head, who was also an english teacher. he married the computing teacher - rumour was they were at it like rabbits in her classroom every lunchtime.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:47, Reply)

This is an excellent OffTopic thread
We had all the usual - Dr Fletcher the biology teacher was a whore (for no apparent reason other than her insistence on wearing short skirts to teach in an all-boys school), Mr Greenwood the art teacher was a cokehead who hoovered up white powder paint cos he was confused, Mr Holding the French teacher had stinky armpits, which was fair enough, and everyone who taught physics was wasting their life with a pointless, made-up subject
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:48, Reply)

There was a Domestic Science (cooking) teacher By name Miss Batchelor.
Unfortunately very tall, very thin, who had to pretend not to hear everyone call her 'Miss Spatula'.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:49, Reply)

2 words.
Geography. Teachers.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:51, Reply)

This is everything that is wrong with Question of the Week
Two words. Fuck. Off.

Or

Two Words. Proper. Story.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Two words: Gay autism

(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Haha
How was 'enn why see'?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:06, Reply)

really good thanks, I just posted my only celeb annecdote on /talk
www.b3ta.com/talk/6790246
Went to see some baseball, went up the empire state, went to a few museums and loads of bars.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:12, Reply)

DON'T SAY CELEB.
Its a fucking stupid word and I hate it.


Glad you had a nice time though.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:16, Reply)

YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I agree, I was typing quickly, please forgive me.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:21, Reply)

That is a cracking story
Sounds like a good trip. The view from the Empire State building really is brilliant isn't it?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Yep, I went up about 7:30pm, so I saw the sunset,
shame it was full of tourists but it was really quite impressive.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Fucking tourists at those tourist hot spots!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:29, Reply)

My family are so, so guilty of this ^
Visiting somewhere and then getting really annoyed that some other people have had the bare-faced cheek to visit there at the same time.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:36, Reply)

"I'm not a tourist, I'm travelling, actually"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:38, Reply)

I want to marrow-rape every person who honestly believes there's a profound difference between the two

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:46, Reply)

When I went to Ayers Rock (Or Uluru if you're not a fan of Prince Phillip)
I decided that I wasn't a tourist as I was actually living in Australia at the time.

I knew I was kidding myself, but it made me feel superior to the people who flew there on a day trip when I had to sleep under the stars in a Swag.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:51, Reply)

It's just the way people treat it like an achievement
"Oh, well in that time I went travelling for 6 months."

Travelling? Look, I'm very glad you got to see these exotic places and I hope you had a great time, but what did you do? You swanned around a foreign country and got a tan. You were ON HOLIDAY.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:54, Reply)

did you wait until your billy boiled?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:56, Reply)

No,
but he gave a kangaroo a good rogering and wanked off a koala.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 12:59, Reply)

Blimey.
That's one word.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:00, Reply)

One word:
Handbag.

OoooOOoooooOoo Al, keep your toupee on, lad.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:01, Reply)

We had an evil, evil old sub called Mrs Lidgerwood
She had nails like claws looked like a more wrinkly version of Cruella DeVille and smoked like a chimney while sat in her beige Morris Marina. People would go out of their way to avoid her in the corridor because there was always a screaming fit ready for you if she caught you with your shirt out.

There was a legend that was passed down religiously that she used to be a porn star in Germany back in the day. Everyone believed it, though thankfully no evidence was ever produced.
If she wasn't spotted for a couple of weeks, there would always be the rumour that she was dead, but she kept proving that one wrong.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Alcholic chemistry teacher
kept vodka in a hip flask, forty year old gym teacher who still lived with her parents, so many.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Not a rumour
But our French teacher in High School used to get called Stumpy. Because, he only had one hand. It was hilarious.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:01, Reply)

See also 'Flat Baps Tansley'
Who had no tits. God, how we used to laugh.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Kids are fucking great aren't they?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:08, Reply)

They are awesome. The rumour with Stumpy
and how he got his nickname, was that he allegedly put his hand into an electric food blender which proceeded to make pate de digit. This was the incident that caused food blender manufacturers to introduce the safety feature of only being able to switch the buggers on when the lid was properly connected.

No idea if this is true or not, but if it was it's both monumentally retarded and also very cool to have inspired a safety feature that has probably saved lots of appendages going the same way.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Can you imagine holding your hand ina blender for long enough to rip off the entire hand
"Will it blend?" Well yes as it's mainly meat.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:18, Reply)

My blender is brand new
and works with or without the lib on.
( Peej, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Well, you will know now not to stick your hand in.
Or your cock
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Its hard to get my cock in there now I have cut of both my hands

( Peej, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:36, Reply)

You need a Dutch Rudder

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:38, Reply)

I think my school set out to torture me
with the French teaching assistants. Young women who would come over from France and work with the language teachers, taking a few pupils out of the class at a time to practice speaking French. Why torture? Well, as if it wasn't bad enough putting a quiet, chronically shy young man in a room with a stunningly beautiful woman and a handful of his classmates, I was quite good at French...only to find that all my l33t language skillz vanished as soon as this psiren asked me a question and my tongue ceased to function. In particular, the lithe, pert, blonde woman who introduced herself sweetly as "Emilie" and said she was from "Northern France, a small village near Brest."

Oddly enough, the German language assistants never had the same effect on me...

Fast forward three years and a student teacher enrols and takes us for a few biology lessons. I think she was Vietnamese, either way she was unbelieveable. Not to mention those short skirts she wore which I'm fairly sure led to my first real-life sighting of stocking tops. I learnt a lot about my own biology from her.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:05, Reply)

this brings back traumatic memories
of French classes spent in the company of an assistant meant to be helping with accent and pronunciation. She had everyone rolling their rs like native Frenchpeople, except me who could only produce a low growl from the back of my throat
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:11, Reply)

It's probably their fault
that I can roll an 'r' so lasciviously these days...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:14, Reply)

That's 'cause when you were younger you were a lion cub.
Possibly.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:15, Reply)

There was a biology teacher at my rural somerset school who taught evolution
WE DIDN'T BURN HIM*



*we burnt him
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Oh, and the much loved head of Art, Mr Wilson.
Pretty much a law unto himself. Let the girls get away with anything but hated all but a few lads. Supposedly fired from his last school for taking a load of students out and getting them pissed at the pub after their art exam was over.
He rode a motorbike, and often wore his leathers all day, feeding the rumour that he rode his motorbike through the school after his wife died.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:14, Reply)

This guy sounds cool!

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Ooooo I forgot!
Peteloaf from this very forums mum was a teacher and she taught me. She believes in fairies and actually had published books on the subject. She used to tell us she had seen fairies in the field at lunch time and we would often get the afternoon of classes to look for the fairies she had seen. Crazy!
( Peej, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:29, Reply)

I saw a magazine on sale yesterday about "Spiritualism" etc

Articles advertised on the front included - I fpound my husband in a dream" and "How to listen to your guardian angel"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Lies
she probably found her husband in the pub with his mates.
( Peej, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:33, Reply)

He was probably dreaming of a less stupid wife
and wanking at the thought of her nubile breasts.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:35, Reply)

i like breasts

( broadsword, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:41, Reply)

To be honest
If you hang around public toilets long enough then you are going to see your fair share of fairies bobbing around.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Thinking about it,
I'm not actually a teacher or anything, but as a lab demonstrator I have to effectively 'teach' students and assess them...as such your question is now making me wonder what the students think of me - and, indeed, what rumours might abound.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:36, Reply)

I heard you're a transvestite shirter that offers kids fags for feelies and then wanks in the sink.

( Peej, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Well I thought your lab report was shit.
Now take your ten B&H and say 'thank you' like a polite little boy while I lube up the marrow
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Lube's for quitters.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:45, Reply)

He gets lube
He didn't have the nerve to complain about his marks. (The two cheeky fuckers who did this year will be receiving the itchy end.)
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:47, Reply)

Your nickname will undoubtedly be Beaky (with or without the twat or cunt appended will depend on your popularity at the time).

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Well, they don't know me as Mr Crow
Although they might spot that I do look a litle bit like a crow. Or worse: they might be /OT lurkers and have read all of this.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 11:47, Reply)

I thought about that.
You have previously mentioned your corvine looks so I assumed beaky nose.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 13:15, Reply)

It's the long and very dark hair
combined with, as you say, a large and slightly beaky nose.

That, and the fact that a friend once looked at me in profile and said,
"I've just realised you remind me of a crow."
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 13:34, Reply)

Now I imagine you as a rather pale skinned amerindian.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 13:48, Reply)

Nothing that exciting, I'm afraid
The most exotic appearance I can claim is that I look a bit Mediterranean when I've got a tan.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 14:24, Reply)

Terrorist!


(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Funnily enough
Going on holiday with my family not long after the Twin Towers were destroyed, we were very surprised when our car was called over for a random spot search at Dover. Normally the customs lot don't tend to pick on cars which obviously contain a family, however we did speculate that my father, with his swarthy complexion and formidable moustache (see Kitty's thread above), might have looked 'a bit Arabic' to them...

PS That image made me giggle like a loon in my office.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 14:43, Reply)

We had a Physics & IT teacher
Who used to stand behind you and put one foot on the desk next to you, so his crotch was juuuust behind your ear. Needless to say, rumours were rife of him being a nonce.

A few years after I left school I read in the local paper that he was arrested for recording boys getting changed in the local swimming pool.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:40, Reply)

What, audio recordings?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Nothing quite like the sound of speedos pinging over wet young flesh...

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Could be
For the blind pedophile market?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:48, Reply)

You can record video nowadays too
Tricksy peeds using technology to get their kicks.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:50, Reply)

Is there no end to their filthy deviousness?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:53, Reply)

Sadly it would seem not
They can be persistent little buggers.

pardon the pun
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Yea, the sods.


pardon the pun, also.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 11:19, Reply)

We had a few.
One of our Maths teachers was supposed to be a peado. Apparently he got fired or something, but later I learnt that he actualy got another job in another school, so I kinda doubt that one.

Oh and there was our RE teacher who we all thought was a peado, but it turned out that the reason every afternoon lesson was conducted with the blinds down and the lights out was because he'd been drinking steadily throughout the morning/lunchbreak and the reason that he'd rest his hand on students sholders as he navigated the room was because he actualy couldn't walk properly. As it was it turned out that one of the reasons he was such a boozer was because he was in near constant pain due to some kind of degenerative desieze. I felt kind of bad for mocking him when I found that out.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:43, Reply)

'desieze'?
Gonz, give Fredz his login back - it's not nice.

I may have to have some 'come crisps' to calm down.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Ahhh no, it's still me
I have certain words I cannot spell. No matter how hard I try. Deziese, Soldier and buiscit. There's a good chance I'll always misspell them. It's weird, i've tried to learn how to spell them, little tricks and such, and I'll remember for a bit, but it's like there's just a mental block or something.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:51, Reply)

At least you can spell 'weird'.
My brother has a blind spot for it and it drives me nuts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:55, Reply)

Are you mellowing in your old age?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 10:59, Reply)

What do you reckon?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 11:18, Reply)

Possibly not, however I thought maybe your hallucinations had scared you into a change of heart...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 11:27, Reply)

You spelled soldier correctly there.

( Peej, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 11:14, Reply)

I did?
Damn, and I thought buiscit was the one I got right!
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 11:35, Reply)

one of my teachers was alleged to enjoy looking at the naked young boys in the shower
and he once got arrested for indecent images on his PC. He was released with no charge, but no smoke without fire!!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Peg Leg Marshall
Had a peg leg. A real honest to goodness pegleg. He lost the real one when it was run over by a tank during The War.
The rumour was he was in on the liberation of paris and fell off the tank pissed on liberated french wine.
I really hope that one is true.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 11:52, Reply)

There was the French teacher who allegedly bricked himself after having been locked in a storecupboard by students.
And the female librarian who was allegedly completely bald and wore a wig.

The art teachers were - naturally - seen as very bohemian, and therefore either in a menage a trois with each other, or sleeping with the sixth form students, or both.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 12:40, Reply)

I forgot about our physics teacher.
He was a skinny little bloke who looked like a breath of wind would take him away. He also had no dress sense whatsoever and this was why I started a rumour about his sex life. The rumour was that his wife was a total nympho dominatrix who stripped him naked when he got home had treated him as her slave. In the morning he had to sneak out and got dressed in the shed from whatever he had grabbed as he ran for the door.

Well, I believed it.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 28 Apr 2010, 13:21, Reply)