worth it
one time out on the lash with the gang, walked into our local shithole SU. Standard of a thursday night. 'pon wherest i managed to kop with the finest brunette placed on gods green earth. so much in common, all over me etcetera. gave it a couple of days and called her up for a secondary meeting that night; which ended up being called off, and again, left with the boys for another heavy session.

i awoke on the kitchen floor later the next afternoon to a phone call. dazed and confused i heard the sound of some burly young fool saying he had ound this number on his girlfriends phone, and was ready to kneecap me, and he knew where i lived.

so i was like, fuck it, she's not too fit to be bothered i'll leave it. if she had a big black boyfriend, i can't be arsed with severe pain

a few weeks later, around 3 months to be relatively accurate, i got absolutely slammed at a cheap and sleazy pop night after a bar crawl. i then decided to anooy a good friend of mine putting the lyrics to dirty dancing on a wednesday at 2am, (IIIIIIII, HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE, AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE).

finger slips, text goes to beth, not ben.

SHIT, why did i not delete the number.

but it was concieved as a really romantic gesture, we went out on the saturday, and i'm still doing her!

hurray for when drunken texts go well
(vegeta, Thu 26 May 2005, 20:46, Reply)

I'm a complete Luddite
I don't know how to text, download, open files, and so on. ( I can memorize complicated treatment algorithms for hypoglycemia, whole tables of theraputic levels of drugs, hundreds of birthdates, dozens of genetic disorders but can't remember what a server is. I'm pathetic)

I finally figured out how to post and retrieve email. I didn't realize my phone kept voice mail until someone complained my box was full. "Box? What box?"

Knowing this full well, I still failed to pay attention and when trying to record a 'leave-a-VM' message, I shouted, "I command you to speak, thou peon!". On my work phone. For Hospice. Where my dying patients leave me urgent messages. Which I wasn't picking up since I didn't know the service existed. The CEO herself called to investigate. And bitched me out royally.

I'm a complete Luddite and there's no hope for me.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 26 May 2005, 20:45, Reply)

Real life
I have a horrible habit of doing this sort of thing... but in real life. It tends to make it even worse.

One of my friends was telling me how his uncle, who was epileptic, was hit by a bus whilst driving, and was killed. What did I say? "Was the bus flashing?". It wasn't until after I'd said it that I realised how horrific I was being.

I didn't learn my lesson.

Another friend discovered that his trumpet teacher had died. "Did you play the 'wah wah waaaah' tune?". You know what I mean, the sort of thing that happens in pantomimes when something silly yet bad for the character happens. A sort of disappointment. I'm told the technical term for this is a "decending chromatic wah".

Still hadn't learnt my lesson.

Same friend told me a few days later his orchestra had performed a concert in memory of the aforementioned trumpet teacher. I asked him if the teacher had come on stage at the end to collect some flowers or something. Whoops.

I should probably think before I speak, or at least have a dictaphone handy so I can post MP3s of myself on the internet.
(Psythor, Thu 26 May 2005, 20:42, Reply)

never realised until a week later...
I work for a major pharmaceuticals company, and whilst bored one day, me and a colleague get into an email argument...the usual stuff, tame at first "you smell" etc, but getting quite lewd as it progressed.

que me getting an email from the IT management just as my colleague pressed reply and described to various IT stewards and management sorts in great detail, the sort of things he was going to do to my mother.

managers not best pleased...and he still works there!

no apologies, plenty of hummus.
(The Mike, Thu 26 May 2005, 20:39, Reply)

Hey Hankster
The Aussies have got a new phone service out now that wont let you call certain numbers when your drunk, it was on the news!
(Pigmash, Thu 26 May 2005, 20:14, Reply)

Unsubtle watermarks ahoy!
Not me, but a lad I worked with were trying out our new accounts production software - we were both juniors, so never got formal training on it. The system had just gone to Windows (in early 1999!) and we were marvelling at the watermarks that we could adorn our clients' accounts with. My mate had created many watermarks including the words "cunt", "cuntalicious", various abuses of the partners of the firm and his own name in various forms.

Knowing that any changes made to the system propegated through to all users on the network, I became concerned about the lack of a delete button, and indeed, all twelve new watermarks were stuck in the system… not just on that PC, but on all of them around the building!!!

To make matters worse, they were selected alphabetically by default and since "cunt" comes before "draft", it wouldn't have been long before somebody else saw one.

Mate looked like he was going to poo himself, but a quick chat to a friendly manager (who thought it hilarious) and a call to support, and we were helped with editing a few files to replace them all with spaces (put down later to an installation error).

In the next maintenance release, a 'delete' button was added to that window. :o)
( whelkboy is old now, you see, Thu 26 May 2005, 20:02, Reply)

More blind panic than ohno
A few years ago i was seeing this very lovely drop dead gorgeous lady and all was well, it was however the running topic of conversation that for all her looks and charm that she could be out witted by a tube of toothpaste. It became the standard greeting amoung my friends ask how the thick girlfriend was. This being the case i guess i should be suprised that i hadn't sent a text to her sooner listing some of her latest gaffs instead of the treacherous words traveling safely to my best friend.
On the plus side i did use lots of long words so most of the text went over her head. Writing this makes me think that maybe i could of settled for pretty but thick as opposed to single. Ho hum.

There was also went i accidently left a fairly NSFW voicemail for my girlfriend only to see that i had actually dialed my mothers phone. On the plus it was back in the day when turning on a mobile was enough to keep my mother busy for five minutes so i was able to intercept it.Still a definate brown trousers moment when you think you mother may find out exactly what her son is planning to do that night.

Sorry for the length and girth.
She really was very lovely.
( Fish, My keyboard has dsylexia built in., Thu 26 May 2005, 19:51, Reply)

Inappropriate stuff
Backin the early 90's before text and email, we used phones! Quaint but true!
Anyway, a fellow colleague had one of those dash board stress "reducers" that were the rage then. When you pressed a button it called the sales rep who just cut you up on a roundabout a "cnut", at a very high volume.

Various combinations of buttons, could if pressed quickly enough, could make amusing sweary phrases.......
.....such as "fuck you!-stupid!-cnut!"

At work for a laugh we would phone each others extentions and play it down the phone except..........

I did it by accident to the Boss and his Deputy. On the remote speaker phone facility, so they didnt even have to answer.

I actually ran to their office and physically prostrated myself at their feet and grovelled my apology, before they even had time to thinks about a P45.

I still cringe.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 26 May 2005, 19:35, Reply)

chatting away...
to this lovely girl, my mate walks up, motions a pint, to which i reply 'easy mate im chatting her up'.
(Bored, Thu 26 May 2005, 19:35, Reply)

A little virus-y thing
spent a few weeks going around college. It simply deposited some choice lesbian porn on the users' computer before forwarding itself to the users' address book. Unfortunately, I had the email address of my militant feminist tutor and the women's welfare officer in my address book. At least my sending the stuff was unintentional - my mate received the porn from the tutors and decided to write them a thankyou letter back. A show of manners which they did not appreciate.
( timothycrippins, Thu 26 May 2005, 19:31, Reply)

This was really stupid
Let me set the scene (boring but it needs to be done). I was in my final year of GCSE's and in a ICT lesson. As usual I wasn't doing work and was pissing around on the computer. One of my friends had found a program on the network called winpopup, which basically is MSN messenger across a network. Some of us started sending relatively tame messages to each other, but then I found that you could send a message to more than one person at once, and thinking that it would only send a message to people who had the program open, sent a message along the lines of "Person X is a twat" to the network, but obviously I put his real name in.


5 minutes later, one of the IT teachers comes in looking really angry and asked for the person sitting next to me, who sent a message across the network just before I did. Turns out, I had proclaimed that Person X was a twat to the ENTIRE SCHOOL, including every teacher (and to make it worse it was a big school with many teachers)


Needless to say, I lost my user account soon after (among many other punishments) and Person X wasn't exactly thrilled. Thankfully, I changed schools once the year had finished, but that's a different story...

The moral of this story? don't be as fucking stupid as I was and think that sending a message to the entire network doesn't send it to the entire network.
(Flabbergaster laughs at danger (and breaks all the rules), Thu 26 May 2005, 19:07, Reply)

cock jockey
The last Email sent before work changed their policy on group Emails was sent to every one of thousands of employees world wide, and simply read "I rode him like a pony".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 26 May 2005, 19:04, Reply)

Messenger
If you're careful enough, you learn to avoid the 'onosecond'. The real evil is Instant Messenger programs. You know, a window pops up, you start talking, another pops up, you put a reply in the wrong one.

I once made a moaning comment about the fact that my colleague who sits next to me does absolutely no work. Except he had just messaged me about some musical crap, and I put the response in his window. Cue the most bare-faced lie ever to weedle my way out. I'm not sure if he sussed me out or not.

Top tip for e-mails: train yourself to always enter the mailing address at the end, then accidentally clicking 'Send' (or doing CTRL+S when you only wanted a SHIFT+S for a capital letter) will be a thing of the past.

My post for this week's question is rather boring. Sorry.
(DamoUK, Thu 26 May 2005, 19:03, Reply)

My friend teaches Judo to young kids
one of them having the same name as his girlfriend. During a drunken night out, someone got hold of his phone and did the usuall funny trick of sending sexually explicit messages to other people. In trhis case they decided to text his girlfriend saying something along the lines of he wanted to fuck her up the ass. Except his girlfriend was in hes phone as Babe, not Emma. Emma was a 12 year old from his Judo class. Next morning he had to phone her parents and explain that their 12 year old daughter may have recieved a text message saying her judo teacher wanted to shag her up the ass.
(dr-kill, Thu 26 May 2005, 18:59, Reply)

Not the subject really but related...
...I was sending a message off my phone when a friend says, "Can i borrow your phone?" Me being the happy chap I am handed it to him.

One minute later cue much laughter from him and I make out the words of "Look what I texted your dad" between giggles. Not only had he texted MY father off MY phone, but the message said: "I want to ejaculate in your ear"

This was never spoke of for weeks with said father until one day he warns me that he doesn't like "those sort of messages" off me.

I promptly died
(trentsteel Student radio scum: www.ramair.co.uk, Thu 26 May 2005, 18:45, Reply)

I've got to post this for a personal smug bastard injection...
I was on the receiving end of a mis-sent text once. It was from a girl that I had been dating about 3-4 months and it read:

"Yeah he's great, and I can't believe how much I love his cock - makes me wet just thinking about it"

Tunrs out she was having one of those "girlie" chats that guys are never allowed to hear. Needless to say she was embarrassed as hell and I was on cloud 9 for ages. Hell, I still am 2 years later :D
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Thu 26 May 2005, 18:39, Reply)

the biggest hangover i ever got...
wasnt because of how much drink i'd had the night before.......it was because of the email i'd accidentally sent while drunk


"oh bollocks"

the week between me and my 'friend*' talking was the oh fuck, did i do that






stabbing myself in the face would have been a less painful experiance


(*friend: read girl i fancied at the time)
(VashTheStampede http://www.b3ta.com/features/howtopoachanegg/, Thu 26 May 2005, 18:38, Reply)

There was this "other" admin...
...who was demonstrating to us how great his new UPS was...

"Look, it's great. I can kill the main power circuit and everything keeps working. See."

(cue lights going off, sounds of fans and disks spinning down, closely followed by frantic knocking at the machine room door)

Unfortunately, we have *two* power circuits in out machine room and the power switches are very close together... ;-)

(not strictly a text/email, but surely an onosecond)
(daern, Thu 26 May 2005, 18:25, Reply)

Too numerous to mention
I do this constantly. Someone please invent a mobile phone that won't let me text when drunk.

Please.
( Hankster, Thu 26 May 2005, 18:11, Reply)

Not meself, but I see loads every day
I work in tech support for an internet company in the UK, which just plain sucks. But what cheers me up is the amount of complaints I get with spammage. People receiving "Enlarge your penis", "Enhance your sexlife" and the "I got your email address so I'm gonna send you some teenage action with boys" which circulates the net as per normal.

The best one I got was this oldish mother who rung in and was swearing hysterically at me. I was close to ending this call directly (we aint paid to be a swearbox, no sir), but for some strange reason I decided to persist. Ho ho ho glad I did.

She tells me that she stuck her inbox on and started to download her email, and went into the kitchen to make a cuppa. While stirring her tea, she can hear her ten year old son laughing by the computer. So she comes in and views the preview pane....which has a blonde gamming off a horse. Bless.

She shouted at me, as if I sent the fecking thing. She then asks me the immortal question "How do you explain to your twelve year old about a woman pleasuring a horse?". It took all my strength not to laugh and say "Don't need to...a picture says a thousand words."

Apols for length, but if she was doing a horse she could take it.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 26 May 2005, 17:52, Reply)

Do close calls count?
Once I sent an e-mail to everyone on my family address list with pictures of my husband and I in it. Except, being the lazy git that I am, instead of attaching them to the e-mail, I just sent them the URLs of the pictures on my server.

They were, of course, in the same open directory as various other pictures, including some I had sent my husband back when we were still just dating - wisely named things like "naked.jpg" and "tits.png."

About an hour or so later I was toddling around elsewhere on the internet when I realized what I'd done and frantically moved everything indecent into another folder. My parents, aunts and uncles were probably all at work - meaning my retired (and surprisingly web-savvy) grandparents were probably the only ones that could have received the e-mail by then.

If they found anything strange, they of course never brought it up. I hate having rampant paranoia!
(Mrs_Talbot, Thu 26 May 2005, 17:48, Reply)

It was a really good joke though
i was friends with a girl i had grown up with and we always laughed around etc and becuase i knew her well, i could moon her and play other boyish jokes and she'd find it gross, but funny.

anyway, id sometimes send her rude jokes by txt. so one day i d heard a really good one from a friend and i sent the following text to her:

Whats the difference between a pizza delivery boy and a gynaecologist?

They can both smell it, but cant eat it.

As soon as i pressed send i realized her dad was a retired gynaecologist.

it was a few years ago and all i can remember is frantically tryig to pull out the phone battery in an attempt to stop the radio waves reaching her phone.

it didnt work and she got it. i replyed with an apology, an "oops" and then i said i was gonna bang my head off a wall. she saw the funny side. but neither of us have mentioned it since.

she was grossed out as hell though with the thought of her dad smelling vagina. *ahem*

time for me to go home. (no jokes about length this time, im too disgusted with myself)
(Mr Moo Cow - HairyBeef, Thu 26 May 2005, 17:28, Reply)

other way round for me
I got a missent text through a few Christmasses ago from a girl called Mandy who'd inexplicably tried to text her dealer with a vast shopping list of gak, pills, horse, bacon and eggs. Complete with the full address of the house that the big ol' partay was taking place at and her own home phone number.

Couldn't resist showing it to a nearby copper. I've always wondered how many people's season of goodwill I ruined that year.
(dandelionburdock, Thu 26 May 2005, 17:23, Reply)

Christmas about 4 years ago
New phone, and a new number, not many people had my number so the following, while drunk would not be unexpected.

I met a lady, on the wrong side of 'ugly' a few week before christmas, who at the time preceeded to give me a hand shandy under her coat in the club. Thats how classy she was...

Any who's, i spend a week chatting to her, etc, and on christmas eve, on our annual pub crawl round our local village (9 pubs) I recall the tale to a crowded table of mates. Few pubs later someone asks for my phone to get my new number. Me, after a few pints of stella, decide thats a good idea. Get phone back, and as we leave for next pub i recieve a text along the lines of

" Really, cos i really like you too"

from the young lady in question. I think this is strange but in my enibriated state i think nothing more.

Next pub, somebody else asks for my number, and upon recieveing said phone back recieve another message along the lines of

"are you serious?"

I ask what the blazes shes going on about, to find out that my 'friends' had declared my undying love to her, and had proposed.

After explaining, the following reply made me shudder

" Your friends are fucked up, but if you were proposing, I would have said yes"

Never spoke to her again, and still don't trust my friends...

Apologies for length, but I'll ease it in gently.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Thu 26 May 2005, 17:01, Reply)

Once
I was e-mailing texting and talking to my nan in IT who I accidentially send the message 'I want you to sit on my love banana', which was so embarrasing as obviously it was intended for my mum.
(myohmy, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:59, Reply)

Not me, but my mum.
My mum was texting her friend last week to rearrange a meeting they were going to have, as her and my nan were burying my grandad's ashes on that day.

Unfortunately, my mum wasn't paying attention to what she was writing, and through predictive text managed to tell her friend that she was "currying my dad's ashes".
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:52, Reply)

my last girlfriend
didnt like the text message i sent her about how i couldnt wait to have a smoke of her manpole

got dumped rather soon after
(3mo Kid, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:42, Reply)

Brilliantly timed QOTW
Last week this girl I’m seeing (and am very fond of) went to see a popular Welsh ‘rap’ group, she got drunk and snogged one of them, and then proceeded to ring me up and leave 7 odd messages telling me all about it and thinking I’d be proud, I wasn’t.
Seeing as I’m an emotionally retarded male, I was as nonchalant as possible and said I didn’t care making sure she thought I was probably out snogging people all the time too. I then I wrote a text saying “Oh mate what a kick in the balls, she snogged ‘X’ from ‘XXX’. Damn filthy pikey lover’ only I sent it to her instead of my best mate, I shat myself.
Funny thing is I think she was happy I was jealous.
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Thu 26 May 2005, 16:41, Reply)

Afew weeks ago
Mucking around on the school network. Open the DOS prompt through some mistake that the sys admin made.

Typed in "netsend * piss off" and showed my mate Simon. We laughed, until he pressed enter. I had just enough time to look horrified at him & say "shit! that went to everyone!" befre I hear all the computers down the corridor beeping in seires.

It went to everyone, including teachers, admin, students, guests of the school, AND a teacher that they wre interviewing for a job.

And I still go to the school - :O

Sorry for length, and lack of general text-hummus.
(Ukatoton, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:40, Reply)