Cherry Tree, Huddersfield
....maybe two years ago

Sat there while a woman I'd lined a date up with interviewed me (really).

Political opinions, religion, music, eating habits, which side of the bed I slept on, good names for children.

If you were in the vicinity and saw a man screaming and running far faster than his build would suggest he could do towards the railway station, it was I.
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 12:09, Reply)

My tale of woe
Following the end of brief and intense relationship with an ex-friend who eventually dumped me. I was depressed and alone and listening to My Chemical Romance, I knew I had to do something. So I tried internet dating.

Went on a couple of dates. One girl berated my dress sense, another never communicated again and one had a bushy moustache. When you're feeling insecure these events are never inspiring. So I wasn't in best frame of mind to do deal with the next one.

She wasn't really my type, strong personality with a go-get-em attitude. I go with the flow and I knew she'd eat me alive. And told her so. Typically she wouldn't take no for an answer.

I called her to say I wasn't interested and to get it over with. We ended up on the phone for 4 hours and I married her a year later.

I'd apologies for length but its the longest relationship I've had.
( Weejock, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 12:01, Reply)

Found the companies HR Manager on faceparty.
In a previous company i used to work at, us being the IT Department, somehow managed to find the companies HR Manager on Faceparty. She was a beautiful but highly professional woman in her 30s happily married with kids. She interviewed me for the job, which was very professionaly conducted. Scarey interview panel and everything. So what a shocker when we found her faceparty profile and discovered she was a swinger, with a link to a swinging site with naked pictures of her and her husband!
After my contracted ended, me and my other half messaged her to see if she was interested, but she never replied hehe :)
(Miggyman, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 12:01, Reply)

Average large cuddly slightly overweight Rubenesque lady seeks
someone to go jogging with.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 11:39, Reply)

SLightly Off Topic
But seems to follow in the vein of many of the other stories.

Some of you may be familiar with a series of books by Robert Jordan called the Wheel of Time. As a budding author, I got my self started on a fan-fic writing group based on said series. A year later (despite seeing her around often) I made the best friend I could ever have. A few months later we fell in love and two years on are still very much in love and I recently went over to meet her in America and am planning a return trip for Valentine's (she can't make it over here until next summer :( )

No advertising. No "man seeking woman" on dodgy dating sites. Pure chance and happy times :D
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 11:31, Reply)

I somehow accidentally found a forum where people put rude photos of themselves

and decided to start a thread named 'pussy worship'.

It was taken off within 12 hours - I guess it's not as funny when you've got your pants round your ankles.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 11:30, Reply)

I have a Facebook account set up for George Orwell,
so if anyone is on Facebook and wants to be friends with him, invite [email protected] .
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 11:26, Reply)

Worked for me - not for a mate!
Two stories of intertet dating; A tale of joy from me and a tale of woe from my friend that I shall call Jimmy (for that ISN'T his name).

His Story:
It's the balmy summer of 2006, and we're both on HotOrNot, him having considerably more success then me (dunno how, but anyway...). Jimmy starts chatting to this lass from "Down South" (we're swamp-inhabiting Northerners) and he's made up.
She's 19, blonde, cute, slim (rememeber that bit) ex was a bastard and porportedly screws like a rabbit. I see the photos - a headshot (remember that bit too) shows eyes that I'll admit even I was lost in, another a cleavage shot...you get the idea. I call him a jammy git. He just grins.
So, the weeks roll by and all seems to be well. He has regular meetings London-way with his job, so he gets to go down, roger her senseless a bit, have his meeting, rogger her again and head home. He's loving it, and being INSUFFERABLE - "oh, xxx and I did this and that last night, and she came when I..." Cnut.
I loved he guy like a brother (still do), but he was one more tale away from a good punch (me = bitter and twisted batchelor)

ANYWHO....

Fast forward two months, and she's off back to uni soon. My other friends and I haven't met this fine young lady yet, so as one last sesh for the summer, and as three of my friends are of the type that prefer men to ladies, we all, quite literally, go to the Mardi Gras.
We meet her and all is very pleasant. However, it's immeidately obvious that Jimmy's been overexaggerating a little with his discriptions of her. Yes, she is blonde, but she looks quite a lil different to her photo (remember the head-shot), her cups do not quite runneth over as he said, and she has a tiny bit of a tum. (Ok, I'll admit I was probably being a jealous bastard and was trying to spoil the dream - I'd been single for over a year. Sue me)
So, we all head off into the pinkness and get thoroughtly drunk. It's here that the cracks begin to show.
At no point at all does she touch him. I mean at all; no hand holding, no arm around the waist, no sneaky grope when no-one's looking. HE touches her, but she always shrugs him off. We all notice that there is NOTHING in her body language that suggests she's his girlfriend. We all think this is mighty queer (pun!) but go with it, because she might just be one of those who doesn't like public affection.

Another few weeks, and things get worse for Jimmy. By this time, he's in love. Real "I want to be with her forever" love. She isn't. Infact, she quickly turns into a big bag of crazy - refuses point blank to even call him her boyfriend ("well, we're not really a couple, are we?" says her), decides when she's off back to uni that she "wants some space to see her friends" (which could have been code for "go fuck my ex", we never found out). Oh, and she was also bulemic in the past and had HORRIBLE body and self-image issues. Which I am fully symapthetic to - but when your friend gets calls at 2am involving vomiting and threats of other rash actions, you tend to lose a bit of it.
In the end, he did the hardest thing I've seen him do and finished it. He was truly gutted, but also head-strong enought to realise he didn't have to put up with the shit from her.
No funny end to this bit, but he's now VERY happy he got away from the crazy bitch.

My Story:
The breakup with my ex was completely out of the blue (looking back the signs were there, but at the time I didn't notice a thing). We got back from a night out, got into bed, and then came The Talk ("It's not you...I need space...tired from work all the time" etc)
Turned out for the best, because she was a lazy attention-whore.

Soo... after many months (happily) failing miserably at pulling the trouts/chavs that inhabit our area,
Jimmy and I once again turn to the Internets. After some scouring and not much luck, I get added to a girl's favourites. And she's a stunner - petite, slim, gorgeous (and actually has a mind to match - is a teacher). We message, we flirt and get on like a house on fire next to a refinery. Tale is same as mine - no-good ex, not interested in pulling some random from a club etc. I WAS a bit worried when no one photo looked like another, but it turns out that she's just one of those people whose photos look bugger all like them.
We had one date, and then another, and another....
We've been together 4 months now, and couldn't be happier!
(Jimmy, unforunately, hasn't been as successful)

B3ta cherry popped with a lengthy post - much better :)
Apologise for the length? Of course not - she's 4'11 and loves every bit!
(CaptnJack isn't really called Jack!, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 11:20, Reply)

It's a jungle out there...
Like 'O' we too have taken the plunge and delved into the dark, murky crevice of swingers sites. Mostly just for cyberwanks, a group I.M. if you will.

For the unintiated, we'd host a chat room, get jiggy with it on webcam, other people would comment, egg us on, share, etc.

Yep there's a lot of white noise out there, lots of hairy palmed Ron Jeremy-a-likes, but if we pitched it right we'd coax other couples into getting their kit off too - quite a buzz actually.

One voyeur [Dom John(!)] offered £5000 for 'borrowing' my partner for the weekend and guaranteed to return 'with no permanent marks'.

So, just bimbling along, playing about in a room we hosted (i.e. had control of and could 'kick' disrespectful people) when up pops a random interjection/request, etched indelibly and still the cause of much mirth:

"Hi this is a genuine request please help me.
I need two women to help me fulfil my sexual fantasy. We will drive to local woods. There you will both strip naked as will I. One of you will push me naked through the woods in a a wheelbarrow (which I will supply) whilst the other will sprinkle leaves and twigs over me."
(Countryslicker, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 11:09, Reply)

"Woo" First post, etc.
As an aside, the lady in my life hunted me down over a famous Emo-laden social networking site. However we were at the same University at the time, so I console myself by pretending it's not incredibly sad as we'd have inevitably met anyway.

Anyway, onto the actual story...

My flatmate at the time, who we'll call Bob, was going through a 20 year dry spell *cough*virgin*cough* so decided to use a website for finding 'Adult Friends' to find an 'Adult Friend'. After weeks of searching for Bob's profile, the hippy flatmate and I were drawing blanks until inspiration struck. Our Spurs-mad flatmate had picked "What's my favourite football team" as his MSN security question.

A few incredulous glances and muffled giggles later, we were into Bob's AFF profile, planning to make it as embarrassing as possible. Unfortunately, we didn't have much work to do.

"Hi, I'm Bob. I'm really sweet but women don't seem to like me. I just want someone to hold me at night and cuddle me in the mornings. If you're looking for a meaningful relationship, please message me ASAP."

We just left the poor sap's profile as it was and went off to find something better to do*.

Two days later we found out that he'd followed a girl home from a club and spent three hours perched on the end of her bed asking "can I have a cuddle?" over and over again. Poor bastard.

Length? He didn't say...

*_{Lie. We added the words "I like fat cocks", changed his preferences to Gay and replaced his profile picture with that of a small rodent. Oh, and emailed everyone on his MSN mailing list with the email "I like hard anal, can I violate you?"}
(Psycorp603, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 11:07, Reply)

Seen in local town newspaper in Derbyshire, Personal ads section....
(In the 'men seeking women' section)...

Wanted:
fanny.



Cant believe they printed it.
Unless 'fanny' was her name?
(nappy rash, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 10:55, Reply)

A happy one this time...
... although rather silly.

It's also a wee bit off topic, but you'll survive.

I managed to meet the current better half on MySpace, how i managed that i don't know. (For those who do not know me, i have a strong dislike for anything even remotely 'social networking' looking). Rather than searching, looking and hunting down and just prowling for women, she found me. I wasn't even advertising... there was just one teeny snag. I was with the ex at the time, who forced me to go on MySpace.. whoops.

It's alright though, as the ex is a whiny crazy person. (Sorry if you're reading this, please don't kill me). So, yes i met my girlfriend from the Internet, but no.. i didn't advertise!
This is quite a strange thing really, as i'm what's commonly described as a "geek" horrah!
So, it's only two months in but we're incredibly happy and we're considering how we can be closer. (I am in the UK, her in Spain).
The intarweb is a wonderful place when you ignore all the freaky scary people! I do think it's all luck though, what are the chances...
She's one in a million ;)

*Gets coat*

Apologies for lack of funny.. oh wait no im not, i'm very happy!
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 10:48, Reply)

Kids
Lines from lonely hearts columns
'Good with children' or 'Likes kids'

Nuff said.
(middenface Toss my salad, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 10:09, Reply)

Some old classics...
"When I was thirty my dates had to be young, slim, tall, handsome, rich, intelligent. Now I'm 64, they only have to know how to read and use the telephone!"

"1970 GMC w/Jet Skiis SWM, NM, GL, NS, SD, AC. Low mileage, custom paint, long sandy blonde graphics. 6'2" Lift. Bright hazel headlights will take 20-30 SF anywhere. Email for free test drive/ride."

"Submissive male seeks dominant female with extensive knowledge of knots."

"SWM seeks 300lb+ woman to sit and squash doughnuts on me. Box 1234". From the Boston Phoenix, 1993

And my all time favourite...

"Young farmer with 100 acres would be pleased to hear from young lady with tractor. Please send photograph of tractor." - Advertisement in Evesham Admag, 1977.
(Milo Minderbinder, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 10:09, Reply)

Oooh, I've had lots of fun with internet dating.
My first dalliance was, bizarrely, someone I met through (geek gulp...) World of Warcraft. Thankfully she didn't expect me to be a real night-elf or be able to do magic. Score one for sanity. We spent a delightful week together while she was on her way to the US for a PhD where I have since visited her. We got on well, had some very enjoyable bedroom time and agreed that there wasn't enough between us for a proper relationship. We're still in contact.

Then I ventured to match. I've met a few girls from match, 8/10 fall under the heading "nice but ultimately dull.". One was fantastic, we went out for a few months, had a great time and remain good friends (she is now my most common reference when dates ask for one, I have her spare housekeys etc). One scared the living crap out of me:

We connect online, we chat, we MSN, we arrange to meet for coffee (daylight hours, public place, option to bring a friend etc). I am sitting at an outdoor table when a black BMW pulls up, the girl kisses the male driver, gets out and comes over. The guy is apparently her hitherto-unmentioned husband. She wants me to go to a hotel with them to fuck him in the arse while she watches and touches herself. I am to be forbidden to touch her or talk to her while hubby is in the room. I was expecting just coffee. I went home, alone and relieved to have escaped.

I consider it a credit to my profile writing honesty that despite being a mildly unattractive overweight scientist with no sense of fashion or style, I've never had a no-show and no date has ever made use of their de-rigeur escape clause phonecall.

length etc blah blah blah
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 10:05, Reply)

what's got horns and bleeds?
not completley on thread but I need to rant and that's enough for me. I once answered an ad in the back of a paper, wanted young men with bugger all better to do for long term relationship and commitment. Must be willing to travel. yes I joined the army which is far worse than finding out your super model is really a 30 stone gorilla. Having left and enjoying civvy street for a couple of years now I get the shock of my life when this morning I get a letter saying that as I'm still on the reserve list (specalist trade) and they are a little short on numbers, I'm going to spend Christmas in Afghanistan this year.
Oh the deep joy!!
eight weeks to get back in shape, finalise my affairs and write my will. I'll need some legal advice on that one so if Ms Swipe or anyone can help then message me.
by the way I'm more than willing to take on the larger lady, just don't lie. not all of us have the depth of a puddle
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Fri 14 Sep 2007, 9:49, Reply)

I'm not ashamed to admit
I have dabbled in the online swinging scene.
It's a strange world where folk will happily send you pictures of their body parts, dressed in very sexy outfits, nothing at all or even participating in orgies. It's the only time i've seen the most intimate parts of people before even seeing a face! Most people have at least two names if not more and will use anything they can to attract attention from Romeo and Juliet to Likealot and Shagalot.
It's a world where men can measure their cock from the crack of their ass to make themselves bigger and then say they're athletically built when the most excercise they get is lifting a pint to their mouth and back again.
No-one admits their own age, young ones add a few years on to sound more experienced and oldies take a few years off....or more....so as not to sound like wrinklies!
It's cool and preferable for women to be bi-sexual or at least curious whereas most men wouldn't be seen dead saying they're anything but straight....very straight!!!
('O' She's my rolemodel!, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 9:47, Reply)

Why so many terrible experiences?
I met Mrs Vicious via the internet, and things are going brilliantly.

The only advice I can offer is to be honest, and avoid clichés when writing your profile. There's nothing worse than seeing "Honest and caring, with GSOH seeks...". Sorry, but if you can't come up with something more original then you obviously can't think for yourself, and you're not the person for me.

Also, avoid free sites. Unless you like weirdos and time-wasters.
(jimi.vicious regrets criticising the American electoral system!, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 9:44, Reply)

he loves the pussy..........and the bum?
I had the misfortune to work for a company where my two immediate workmates consisted of a full grade-A pervert and a family man. One dull morning forementioned pervert approached me in a very excited state. I assumed at this point he was on the verge of telling me about last nights escapades where his spit roasted a prozzie with his dad (but no, he saved that for Wednesday)

He stood hunched over me, his whole body jerking as though an electrical current was flowing through him. The white spittle that had gathered in the corners of his mouth sprayed liberally over the back of my head as told me of a startling discovery. It turns out that whilst surfing a swingers website for some local fun he discovered an advert posted by our very own "family man".

This was too good an oppurtunity to miss so we got straight on the interweb and pulled up his details. There he was, photos and all, praising the joys of munching on a juicy pussy. At this point I should mention that I knew his password to his hotmail account that he was using for these personal ads. Mainly because he lacked any imagination and all of his passwords were the same.

I decided to take a quick look (re:repeatadly log in and snoop around) at his hotmail account. This was possibly, one of my biggest mistakes ever. There were about six or seven replies from men, mostly old and fat, holding their limp todgers in their hands.

The worst one was a reply to a reply from the "family man" where he stated he was very keen to "fuck and suck" and that he was a "new boy on the block". This was followed with a picture......of him on the bed holding his engorged member for all to see.

Everytime I saw him with his wife and kids, a small blob of bile would bubble up into the back of my throat.
(plant rolls out of bed like a fat wobbly tub of lard, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 9:15, Reply)

Fom a fat chick......
Well, thanks guys - you have just ruined my morning. I was unaware until now that as a bubbly/cuddly/curvacious etc lady I am apparently considered a pariah on b3ta. I can obviously never use personal ads or internet dating nor even leave the house without wearing a full hijab for fear of affending you poor delicate souls :(
Anyhow, I'm guessing you guys are not always telling the whole truth.......
Good looking (in a dark room, or in your head)
Average looking (bag of spanners)
Big car (small cock)
Own hair (nostrils, ears)
Fancy free (lives with parents)
Looking for fun (married)
Need I continue?
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 9:02, Reply)

INTERNET DATING MORALITY
I do believe (from personal, deeply disturbing experience) that is it only right and proper when one is advertising one's self for sex online that one should mention when one has had a colostomy and is wearing a bag.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 8:59, Reply)

Not me personally...
My ex called me and said our joint account had never been closed when we split up and would I be prepared to go half on the over draft? Because she had changed her name, the bank only wanted to deal with me so I got the closing statement.

Oh.My.God!

When it arrived, it was plain she had been using the account to pay her monthly £20 subscriptions to Dating for Parents.

Temptation got the better of me and I created a fake account and began to hunt her down. Within 10 minutes I had her profile. Apart from lying about her "build", she said "average" which may be statistically correct but in reality is "large", she didnt say anything too outrageous.

Except that the man of her dreams must "appreciate the good times".
hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!

This is the woman who could never do that herself, but instead cast up every disaster, every bad time, real or perceived, each and every argument. Which happened everytime I took a breath, it would seem.

I hope her new b/f can cope with her domineering and unreasonable behaviour. Then again he is a spineless pussy whipped bitch so he will fit in fine.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 7:42, Reply)

Myspace shenanigans
I ended up meeting my lovely boyfriend on myspace, but before he came along I was plagued with the advances of rather odd people.

My favourite random message said this:
"Hello. I am French photographer of young girls. I give sensual massage... and u?"

I was also added by what seemed to be a pretty young asian girl.
"Excellent," I said. "I am also a young Asian girl. We can have long chats about social issues and such things."
After perusing her profile, I realised that the pretty young asian girl was actually a scary, fat, rapist of a boy, who declared that his dream was to add 2000 Asian girls to myspace.

Then a fellow called Dave (not real name) started chatting to me. He seemed nice and normal, if not slightly embittered by the female gender. He was an eloquent, witty amateur actor, who had photos of himself dressed as Frodo and a Jedi on his myspace page. I finally decided to meet up with him. He expressed his excitement for the meeting, followed by a "Roar".
"Roar?" I enquired.
"Roar," he said. "I'm a tiger."

Needless to say, I realised that I was very busy that week and could not possibly meet him.

How I managed to meet a nice one is beyond me.


ps. I wrote a guide on internet dating on my blog. Check it out. [/shameless plug]
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 6:23, Reply)

Good thing I'm a rabid egomaniac...
As a young reporter you're pretty much at the mercy of the chief of staff and whatever fuckwittery he comes up with so years ago when a woman decided to dress up as a bride in the front window of a bridal shop and advertise herself as "complete, ready to go, just needs a groom", my COS had the great idea of putting a bloke in the same window a week later to see if any brides were interested.
And I got the job.
Three hours in a window and I got three calls, two of them from guys and one from a woman who "just felt sorry" for me.
One of the guys turned out to be my hilarious brother in law, but the other called for days with all sorts of interesting offers.
I have a pic of me in the window somewhere... I look bored, vaguely embarrassed and slightly damp. Can't understand why I didn't get more offers.
( difficultchild, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 6:01, Reply)

Brotherly Love?
My more attractive cousin who is a year older than me was dating a reletively hot but very dull man several years ago. (Not too dissimilar to her current reletively hot but duller than dishwater man who's life revolves around Stoke football team and his hair) But anyway, said previous boyfriend and my cousin who we shall call Mary for that is not her name (I'm not sure if she or her man use this site) decided to set me up with his brother.

So, after a brief conversation on msn (before the days of uploading pics) we agreed to meet on the local train station. Of course given that Mary's man was tall, slim with brown eyes and floppy hair, I figured his brother wouldn't be too dissimilar. How wrong can a person be? Well, I was wrong. After all the semi decent looking people had filtered off the train and my suitor waddled into view I had to hold off the urge to vomit.

Tall? Yes about as tall as he was fat! Blue eyes set back in a face that simply joined to his body via a neck of pure fat. He was dressed in a tshirt that could have acted as a 4 man tent and had ginger hair that possibly hadn't seen a shower in several months. He also smellt bad.

As if sitting in silence wasn't bad enough, he proceeded to eat two large meals in McDonalds (possibly Super Size) washed down with coke and 2 icecreams. While I sat nursing a diet coke with the voices in my head on constant scream and informing me if I didn't exit soon they would force my hands to gouge out my eyes. I promptly made my excuses (again) and left.
(vampyre_gem has been dead since, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 5:55, Reply)

Nice!
Being someone who was told throughout my adolesence that I would never get a boyfriend, and being constantly turned down by boys, I went on a dating bender following the interest from my spotty retard of a first bf (Neil). So much so that I forget most of the dates I went on.

I am not a fan of self-assured men, the 'I am in love with myself' types. I joined a well known dating service (rhymes with kazoo) and met a guy named Phil. Imagine a skinny Phil Mitchell meets Indiana Jones with a receding hairline and cowboy boots. He had a permanent 5oclock shadow and lived at the gym. After a drink at the pub and an hour and a half of hearing how fantastic he was I took great pleasure in informing him how he wasn't my type. We're good friends now, and it's nice to know he spent a long time trying to convince me that he was indeed my perfect match.

Really this was a 'screw you' post to all the people who told me I'd never be loved. I now live with Mr VampGem who rocks and I never went near a computer to meet him.

Length? Phil? I guess I'll never know...
(vampyre_gem has been dead since, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 5:18, Reply)

Not me, but a friend...
...once replied immediately to a dating site profile that was simply a picture of the guy and the caption "was raised in back alley by wolves."

I only wish I could have been there.
(Sir Dixon Dongs Good evening, gentlemen., Fri 14 Sep 2007, 4:23, Reply)

Yet another internet dating story.
Posted my profile up on match and got a reply of a normal looking fella... lived in my area and seemed to like the same bands, films and all that malarkey. Started chatting on MSN and everything seemed to be great. Swapped numbers, started texting and all of that.

One night I'm out in a club and he rings me, crying, saying his wife's just left him, he's in love with me and can I go round for a shag.

Erm.. no!

I've worked out that most people on these dating sites are married, have some kind of mental problem or are boring as hell.

I'm recently single again... I'm still unsure whether I want to delve back into the murky mists of online dating.
(Lora 2.1, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 4:01, Reply)

someone i used to work with at a supermarket
(a complete dog, more hair on her than most men and fucking ugly anyway)
put a profile onto a dating website.
she described herself as a year younger than she really was, single(despite telling us she had a fiance) and earnt about £35k a year. After many other people, myself included, sent her messages. her profile was printred out and passed about the store for general amusement. she denied having any knowledge of it
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 3:53, Reply)

i tried to sell myself at a charity auction last weekend
i ended up losing the shirt off my back for £5
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 3:44, Reply)