2 of the best - used in real life
Managed to sneak these in at work

Morning meeting, one guys says he's off on Wednesday, has to paint his garden fence.
Say I " I occasionally buy myself a tin of Creosote."
Several "Whys?"
"Because I like to treat myself now and then"
I fall about laughing.

On a remote part of the site, studying the wetland natural bio-filter with the environmental consultant, I managed to slip in...
"And how long have you been working in this field?"
(Darth Thump, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 21:29, Reply)

Me! Me again!
World War One: A Brigadier is visiting the Front Line to inspect the brave young nervous soldiers and boost morale.

He pauses in front of one very young, very nervous lad.

"Tell me, soldier," he barks,"did you come here to die?"

"No" replies our man "I came here yes-ter-die"

ba-bum-CHING!
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 21:05, 1 reply)

Spike Milligan....
...pretty much everything he wrote, apart from the bits about his mates dying and him getting shell-shock.

"What are you doing in that piano"

"I'm hiding"

"Don't be absurd, Hyden's been dead for years!"

-------------

"Put the cat out"

"Why"

"It's on fire"

one BILLION etceteras!
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 20:56, 2 replies)

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?
It went down a lane and turned into a field.
( grey matter, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 20:54, Reply)

The butcher acidentally sat on his meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.
( grey matter, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 20:53, Reply)

My friend with two girls:
two birds with one stoner.

you had to be there
( grey matter, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 20:49, Reply)

Went to buy a ticket for a James Brown gig the other day...
...unfortunately it was souled out.
( Jsysco is mostly a lurker, mostly, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 20:39, Reply)

Why do Elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy can't pay the ransom.



Thanks I'll be here all week, try the veal
(Vinck, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 20:35, 2 replies)

Ancient Chinese Proverb Say...
Man who run in front of car get tyred
Man who run behind car get exhausted
(matdatphatkat, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 20:24, Reply)

General
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

A man accidentally swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his wife telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

I would like to go to Holland one day, wooden shoe?

When chemists die, we barium
(Kebabo Calling all cars, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 18:52, Reply)

King for a Day
The most popular and colourful festival in Medieval Europe was the Nativity, culminating on Christmas Day, a time for both sacred and secular celebrations. Of course, the castles and palaces of great rulers were the scene of the most spectaular festivities.

In one of the most enduring traditions, the monarch would vacate his throne to allow a serving boy to serve as 'king for a day'. Revelling in his brief taste of power and luxury, the lad would issue comical edicts, bestow unlikely honours on the other servants, and despatch the kingdom's knights and counsellors on bizarre quests, to the amusement of all.

So the merriment went on, all over Christian Europe, from Greece to Ireland, from Poland to Portugal - except, strangely enough, for the lands right at the heart of Christendom. The burghers of great Italian cities such as Venice and Genoa had no time for such frivolities, because they believed a Doge is for life, not just Christmas.
(sagitta, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 18:51, 1 reply)

Sorry.
Mahatma Gandhi, as many of you will be aware, spent almost his whole life walking barefoot. This resulted in a quite impressive layer of hard skin on the soles of his feet.

Throughout his life, he also ate sparingly, often fasting; which caused him to be considerably underweight. This also contributed (along with his diet of quite spicy food when he did eat) to his bad breath.

In summary, he was a super-callused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.
(Photon wasting your time since, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 18:27, Reply)

What do you call a convict falling from a building?
.
.
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.
.
.
.
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.
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Condescending.
(g256, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 17:55, Reply)

I don't know where I got it from, but its my favourite terrible joke.
What time does Sean Connery go and watch Wimbledon?




Tennish.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 17:54, Reply)

During one of the more recent Arab/Israeli scuffles
One of my mates was talking about the israeli main battle tank. "this is great, that's great" etc etc, before the pun hit.

"You've got to give the israeli's their due"
(Darkpie 3.243F6A8885A308D31319, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 17:50, Reply)

Stusut 79
Is he ever still about? I ask cause I still sometimes chuckle at completely inappropriate moments at his 'Pass Eve a grey sieve, gilled chip' answer to this day, and think it is probably the best pun I have ever, ever seen.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 17:50, 2 replies)

Can't be bothered to look and see if this has bindun. Someone will tel me
So there were these two fellas working in a sewage plant in Tokyo.

One works the day shift and one the night shift.

They don't really see each other as one clocks on as the other is finishing his shift.

Eventually the guy who works the day shift gets another job. On his last day he holds on a little longer to speak to the other man.

"Well I'm leaving, sorry we didn't get to know each other much better"

"Yes we were............


















...... Nips that passed in the shite".
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 8 Mar 2009, 16:01, Reply)

it happens unconsciously
I was not aware I`d described a news item on Israel as another "jewicide bombing" until I got told off for being cruel.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 14:31, Reply)

I'm not really a fan of gloves
In fact I like to keep them at arm's length.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 14:25, Reply)

Not really a pun but, this is a stupid QOTW
Business man on his first trip to Asia spends 10 days in Hong Kong.

After working hard all day in the meeting room and working harder all night in the knock shops of Kowloon, he wakes on the 9th morning to find his knob is coated in a pea soup green fungus and is incessantly dripping a grayish yellow pus.

Much aghast, he rushes off to see an English Doctor. After a brief inspection the Doc declares that the man is suffering from a nasty case of Hong Kong Dong and that the only course of action is to amputate the inflicted appendage post haste.

Appalled with this diagnosis, the man declares he will get a second opinion. An hour later the man sits down with a Chinese Doctor and reveals the infected implement.

The Chinese Doctor after a very quick look tells the man it is definitely Hong Kong Dong and starts to prescribe a series of traditional Chinese medicines for the man to start taking immediately.

After being handed the third jar of pills the man asks if there will be any need to amputate.

"Oh No" says the Doctor "no need at all............................ fall off by self in 2 days"
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 14:10, Reply)

She were only a Yorkshire lass...
but she liked 'er 'Uddersfield...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 8 Mar 2009, 13:52, 2 replies)

No, seriously, I'm physically incapable of thinking one and not saying it
Voltage over current is futile!
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 13:32, 2 replies)

Also (can you tell that I can't resist a pun? I love this QotW)
I'm a member of my uni's Writer's Society and was at the time agitating for us to start a 'zine. Anyway, we were discussing distribution and considering the possibility of printing it out of the money we got from membership fees and then just leaving it lying around places.

And someone objected to it on tidiness principle.

And I said "Nah, it'll be Litterature."
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 13:18, Reply)

So there I was in class
and this was one of those vaguely BSy Communications cores called Rethinking Culture, right, so we spent a lot of time talking about What Things Mean, No, I Mean, REALLY Mean, You Know? and referencing long dead French buggers in our essays.

So one day we are in class Discussing Texts. And the tutor (who was actually a nice bloke who seemed to like me but despair of my inability to insert random references to aforementioned dead blokes when I'd actually reasoned the whole essay from first principles, can you tell I am bitter? One time he actually wrote a sadface emoticon on my essay, sideways and everything) asks us What Is A Text with the purpose of showing that anything can really be a text provided it purposefully communicates something, but please don't analyse any hand gestures in your final essays.

So people come up with the standard books, TV, advertisements that we already did in high school English classes, then at his encouragement venture a little further afield into Hallmark cards and pamphlets handed out by religious nuts on street corners...

And the tutor says "Yes, those can be texts, but I'm thinking of something a little more off the wall..."

And Myself throws up hands and blurts out "Grafitti!"

There is a brief silence.

"Because... it's... off the WALL..."
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 13:14, Reply)

Nutty
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in Central Park?
One of them was assaulted.
(Blob, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 12:12, Reply)

Charles Dickens was despondent in a Paris bar, telling the bartender "It is the worst of times, for I am without an idea for a new work. Let me partake of a vodka martini," to which the bartender responded "Olive or twist?"
and did you hear about the Buddhist who refused anaesthetic during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

and lastly two birds are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 11:51, Reply)

I do it far too much




These are the ones i made in real life and everyone started giving me angry looks... ESPECIALLY the Charmander one..
( Scrambled Edd www.eddsworld.co.uk, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 11:13, 5 replies)

Chinese Buffet.
End of meal. Obligatory fortune cookies have been passed out. Friend opens hers.

Friend: "Aw, mine's empty!"

Me: "That's.... unfortunate"

Cue: General hilarity. (For truez though- she even put it in her facebook quotes! I was secretly pretty chuffed. May have been my finest moment.)
(Mr._F is not actually a man- this username is a lie!, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 9:22, Reply)

I really wanted to make a joke about boffin, science-y types
But I don't have the capacitor for nerd jokes.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 8:48, Reply)

No shit sherlock
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson returned one evening from a busy day of crime fighting and felt a bit frisky.
They strip down for a bit of quick buggery when Holmes starts squirting Jiff lemon on his arsehole.
"What's that you're doing Sherlock?"

"It's part to lube and part to mask the smell of shit" replies the great sleuth.

"Oh my!" Says Watson "What a spiffing idea!"

"Lemon entry, my dear watson, lemon entry"
(jonfish, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 8:07, 3 replies)