Fucksakes! Where the FUCK did you get that haircut from?
Those were the very words bawled across the print room floor by Ian Jackson* - a particularly mouthy yob of a printer.
Andrew Allison*, the wearer of said haircut - which, to be fair, looked like the aftermath of an imploded albino guinea pig - and a genuinely warm, funny older gentleman to boot, came over, sat down, took out his pipe (this was the eighties) and said:

"Well Ian, it's actually quite a strange story.
I was in Paisley and thought I'd take a few moments to get my hair cut (scrapes out the bowl of his pipe with a penknife).
I was standing near Central Road and wandered along to Gilmour Street Station where there was a polis standing about looking bored (takes out his baccy and proceeds to shred it into the bowl of his pipe).
So I asked him where the worst barbers in Paisley could be located (starts tamping down the baccy as the rest of the printers and assistants wander over to listen in).
At first he looked at me as if to ascertain whether I was extracting the urine or if I was under the influence and then advised me to go under the bridge and along toward New Sneddon Street, past Maxwell Street (starts to light his pipe), onto Carlisle Street and thence to Love Street, (puff, puff) along Love Street (past the park), left onto Albion Street and then left again onto Blythswood Drive. Ah, gottit (The pipe is lit)!
Anyway, says the polis, if you keep going down there you will find a wee close on the left hand side and that is where Auld Blind Freddy has his shop."

By now there must be at least 15 blokes listening in and there are 3 four colour Heidelbergs clattering away with no one minding them.
Andrew takes another puff at his pipe and continues:

"So. I found the place and opened the door, just as a chap came out quite rapidly, looking rather flustered and holding what appeared to be an ear in one hand. The other hand was clasped to the side of his head and there was blood trickling between his fingers. He looked at me. I looked at him. I looked at his hair. Shocking. Just shocking. (puff, puff). The chap gives a sort of groan and staggers off in the direction of the Royal Alexandra Hospital. I walked in and sat down to wait.
The shop was hellish gloomy and dirty. There were great tufts of hair all over the floor and some suspicious looking stains on the walls and mirrors (puff, puff).
There was a small hunchbacked figure in the corner it coughed and spat and wandered into the light.
I presumed that this was Blind Freddy (puff, puff).
He was wearing spectacles with lens like the bottoms of jam jars, a blood stained jacket and had some form of palsy, as his hands were shaking.
He invited me over to the barbers chair and I sat down. He coughed all over the back of my head, dropped his scissors twice and then said to me: "What can I do for you today sir?"
I said (puff, puff) "Give me the same haircut you gave Ian Jackson..."

Well. The entire place was in fucking uproar and I thought I was going to shit myself laughing.
Andrew just wandered off still puffing on his pipe and Ian looked as if he had been filleted.

That was the best comeback I have ever heard.

*Real names. Andrew is dead now and Ian was a cunt - so it serves him right.
(claude balls Realises that it was a bad idea to switch to Bold., Tue 29 Nov 2011, 20:00, 6 replies)

Bob & Brian
My mate, Bob, was stood outside a London hostelry one evening when who should walk by on the other side of the street, if not the legend that is Brian Blessed?

Bob, being a bit of a lad, shouts "Gordon's Alive" at the top of his voice, just as Brian disappears around the corner - to the amusement of his drinking buddies.

As the laughter died down, Brian re-appeared back around the corner and at the top of HIS voice, shouted;

"CCCCCCUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTT!!!!".

Surely the best celebrity put-down?
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 3:33, 5 replies)

He won't be getting any for a while....
My mate John's fiancee posted on to Facebook...

"What a day. Don't know if I'm coming or going"

John responded...

"If it helps, when you're coming you look like a special-needs kid trying to whistle".

Lovely mental image there.
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 15:39, 10 replies)

The Joys of Autumn
Walking back from the station the other day I was happily indulging in the simple pleasure of kicking all the piles of fallen leaves.

Approaching me in the other direction was a lady with a little girl who was similarly amusing herself (the little girl not the lady). As I walked past them the following exchange took place:

"Georgia, stop kicking the leaves!"

"But Mummy, that man's kicking the leaves too"

"Well his Mummy's not here to tell him off is she"
(Milo Minderbinder, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 10:36, 5 replies)

Topical
A Banker, a School Teacher, a Tory MP and a Daily Mail reader are sat around a table. In front of them is a plate, on which there are ten biscuits. The Banker scoffs nine of the biscuits, then the Tory turns to the Daily Mail reader and whispers in his ear "Watch out, that teacher is after your biscuit"
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 13:24, 22 replies)

Not sure if it's funny but it worked
A teacher I knew had this response to an obnoxiously disruptive 15-year-old girl in his class who stated in front of the whole group that it was obvious the teacher fancied her:

"XXX, you have made a very serious accusation. Not only have you accused me of being a paedophile, but also you are suggesting that I have communicated my alleged illegal and immoral desires to you. If what you say were proved to be true, I would lose not only my job but my career. I would get a criminal record and maybe even do time. I would certainly have to move a long way away so as not to get beaten up or have my house vandalised. So if I were prepared to risk all that to get a girl half my age, don't you think I'd at least go for one of the pretty ones?"

She had no comeback, the class laughed at her and she hardly caused any trouble after that.
(eesnahk, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 11:11, 5 replies)

I know you
I'm helping a female friend move house, and we'd struggled for some time to get a large wooden cupboard into the back of the van. Finally we'd managed it, and paused for a moment, standing in the van next to the cupboard, to get our breath back.

Now I have long hair and a beard; at the time the hair was blonde (unlike the dingy grey it is now!) and it was not tied up in any way. This is relevant, because at that moment a guy walks around the corner, clocks us, and with divine inspiration blurts out

"Fuck me, it's the lion, the witch and the wardrobe!"

It's only a put-down because he called her a witch, but impressively witty nonetheless
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 12:47, 1 reply)

Someone I know
Got chased through a field by a flock of sheep. Vaulted over the fence, and then stood there yelling back at them, "What do you think you're doing? I'm a vegetarian!"
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:24, 9 replies)

I recently met Grace Jones at a music festival in London.
I asked her what her favourite part of the UK was, to which she replied "Dover!"

And that was most definitely a diva stating port town.
( Muns, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 13:44, 6 replies)

Fancy Dress Party
one of the secretaries at work was a bit on the large side, and bore a striking resemblance to Fat Pat off 'Stenders. She was going out straight from work one night, and appeared in reception wearing a very short skirt and a feather Boa. when asked what she was going as she said "I'm a Hooker," to which one of the guys replied "You look more like a prop forward to me.
(Vinegar strokes Should know better on, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 11:34, 5 replies)

Out at a posh "do" at a restaurant
This woman wouldn't stop talking about herself "me me me... Fabulous frock I am wearing... Designer frock, blah blah blah".

My friend was getting agitated and interrupted her with "I think you would look divine in something long and flowing". "Ooh you think so?" she replied.

"Yeah. The Thames".

Some of us were in mid sip and spat out our wine from trying to stifle our laughs.

She had nowhere to go. She couldn't move seats and for the rest of the dinner she glowered while we tried to behave as if nothing had happened, all the while stifling our urge to keep bursting out laughing.
( Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:40, 3 replies)

My mate and I trying to get into a Student Club in Glasgow one thursday night
Bouncer: are you two students?
us: yes (a totally obvious lie)
Bouncer: oh aye, have you got anything to prove that you are students?
my mate: I've got chlamydia, does that count?
Bouncer: in ye come boys (pissing himself laughing)
(dontmesswithmytoottoot, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 14:38, 4 replies)

Vietnam War
My father was in the Royal Navy in the mid to late 1960's, and was once on shore leave in The Phillipines when him and his mates found themselves drinking in a bar with a load of loudmouth American Marines on RnR from Vietnam. The conversation inevitably got to the war and one of the marines asked "how come the British arent involved in Vietnam?". Quick as a flash one of the sailors piped up "its because the Viet Cong are doing fine by themselves". Needless to say there then followed a second of silence whilst these meatheads grasped what had actually been said by which time my Dad and his mates had legged it.
(lengibb73, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 19:55, 3 replies)

Can I enter this in the image challenge too?
I once watched a comedian at a small comedy cafe who was struggling to get-on with his act due to a pissed-up geeza trying to heckle.

The comedian mostly ignored it until the guy shouted out a particularly loud shitty 'retort' so he realised he had to deal with him, which he did quite nicely by saying
"Ooooh. Owch! You're sharp! Get back in the cutlery draw
.... you fucking spoon"

From then on, anything else the punter tried was greeted by the audience shouting 'you fucking spoooon' at him - something I still do to irritants to this day.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:57, 3 replies)

Old Colleague
Her husband had been a partner at the company, then left, but she still thought she was a cut above the rest of us at the same level and deserved special treatment. She used to pop out during work time to go shopping, delegate all her work to juniors who could barely deal with it, and generally skive.

We'd all moaned about it and it eventually came to a head with a team meeting which involved a senior partner coming in as an independent arbitrator.

Senior partner reached the conclusion that she was workshy and needed to buck her ideas up. He summed up by suggesting she needed to mend her ways, and that we'd review in a month.

She brought in the whole 'What would Christian say? This is outrageous the way you're victimising me!'

Senior bod responded by getting his phone out, calling Christian, telling him exactly what he'd just told his wife, then arranging to go for a pint the next evening.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:56, 4 replies)

Teaching put down
I used to be a teacher at secondary school. I don't claim to be a great wit or anything, but I did have a couple of flashes of inspiration. Here is one of them:

10C was a low ability (but nice enough) maths class. It was valentines day, last lesson and they were goofing around, telling valentines rhymes. At first they were amusing, ("Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm amazing and you're OK too") but as they began to turn a bit smutty ("Your knickers are blue, your knickers are brown, but when I'm with you your knickers are down") I really had no choice but to nip it in the bud. So I told Karl and Martin (not real names as I honestly can't remember them) to stop. They went quiet for a bit but soon continued. So, turning from the blackboard (yes, thats how long ago it was) I looked at the pair of them and said (pointing) "Roses are red, Violets are blue, You're in detention, and so are you!"
Quite proud of that one, I was.
(SquidFish, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 17:01, 14 replies)

My nan
A formidable woman, legs like donner kebabs. Screw-on British racing green crimplene hat, turban motif. Teeth she left in jar by the door. Cheated at Downfall. Malice and spite were two of her five a day. Animated only by Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy. One of my nemeses.

Tardy Testosterone had bestowed me with fay looks, and at the ripe old age of 15 I was still on Gary's radar - I thought I had a pube till I pissed through it.

My nan: "Ooh, look at you, when are you going to start shaving?"

Me: "When are you?"
(Countryslicker, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 19:03, 3 replies)

"Blue" Comedian
A few years ago I was naive enough to think that I could give stand up comedy a go. I worked up about 5minutes worth of material and took it to the toilet pubs and new comedian nights of Central London.

I soon found myself in the quarter final of a new acts competition. It being only one round after the entry heats it was still an enjoyable mix of experienced acts looking to bag an award and enthusiastic newbies such as myself.

On before me was a portly chap who fell under the newbie description. I'd seen him in the first round, his character was a younger Roy Chubby Brown type, telling rude jokes about vaginas etc. So I knew what to expect.

Sporting a bright blue double breasted suit jacket, he ran on stage, confidently grabbed the mic and pointed to the garment shouting "I'm wearing this tonight ladies and gentlemen, to give you all a clue what my act's about".

The room was completely silent, but he waited expectantly for at least one wily audience member to shout back "it's blue".

Instead one bloke at the back of the room called back the loudest I've ever heard "Is it about Jackets?!"

The whole room erupted into roars of laughter and he never regained his composure for the whole act.
(CharlieSomethingElse, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 16:44, 6 replies)

I used to live near an obnoxious fat chav beast
She was like a blimp with knock off Adidas stripes painted down it's side. And instead of being filled with helium, was filled with deep fried grease and possibly the neighbours cat, although we could never prove that the hairs sticking out from her teeth and wrapping themselves round the permanent Lambert & Butlers butt were indeed those of Fluffy.

She waddled up and down her drive watching over her sprogs and yelling words of encouragement such as "faaahhks sake Diamanda don't waste mah eyeliner draahwing shit on mah drivewhay". Now I'm not saying she was an easy shag or anything, but we did often have a pot running about what colour her next child would be. Holding a Dulux colour chat against the latest one may have been taking it too far though.

So one fine morning I am skipping down my drive to collect my now empty wheelie bin and return it to it's little cubbyhole round the back, when I notice in the excitment of removing the refuse from our bins the binrefusewasteremovalmenpeople had left a few bins clumped together at the end of the cul-de-sac. And beasty was huffing and puffing back to her lair with my bin! Now, I'm not a bin snob. But our wheelie bins had barcodes on with the delightful promise that at some point the council may start charging extra if your bin was too heavy. And I'd seen her bin, straining at the pressure of the fetid mush within. I often think it got together with her underwear in a support group at weekends.

"Excuse me," I piped up with a cheery wave "You appear to have mistakenly taken my bin!"

It glared at me.
It snorted at me.
It slowly removed the Lambert.
"It's only a bin innit, don't matter 'oos I take"

Now I realise this is true to a point. But still. That's my bin. I want my bin. My bin hasn't been terribly violated with anything that has touched her. Or been in her.

"I'd prefer to take my bin." Says I.

I can hear the sprogs screaming. She is getting impatient. She tries to barge past me. I block her way.

"If yaah not careful I'll faaahkin throw you in the faahkin bin." She screaches at me.

I look her straight in the eye. And said
"Well, at least I'd fit."
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:14, 15 replies)

My Freind
Gareth had started seeing a large lady, my other friend Jonsey asked him:
"Christ, Gareth shes fat, why are you seeing her?"
Gareth came back with the best answer ever:
"I like fat girls, because everything feels like tits."
(Orkstomper, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:35, 2 replies)

Overheard during a lunchtime in Glasgow...
Girl, quite good looking, dressed well with what I presumed to be her lunch in a Greggs Bakery bag was running across the road next to a building site...

From one of the scaffolders "Dinnae run like that hen, ye'll boil yer water"

Retort from the girl "Well you'll no be scalding yer fucking balls on it anyway"

Win!
( fagilliD Fuck I'm good!, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 5:25, 2 replies)

Simple. Perfect
Mate from work meets Mrs. Alchemist for the first time. She nips off to the toilet.

him "what's the story?"
me "huh!"
him "well... she's really good looking and you're... well... [points at face] you know"
(funky alchemist is neither funky nor an alchemist, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:51, 8 replies)

In a Pub
I was sharing a long pew with two young lads. One was teasing the other in a way that only the underage can, "you’re such a light weight! Bet you’ve never even been to a pub before!" "ha you’ve only had three pints and you’re pissed, I can drink eight" that sort of thing.

For about five minutes the teasee said nothing. Then he slowly put his pint down, looked his mate in the eye, looked back down, and vomited over them both.

I very nearly died.
(Asser, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 21:17, Reply)

Devastating put-down?
Has to be the lady who "howled" after I euthanased her elderly Gordon Setter. That seemed pretty devastating for her in my opinion.
Number two would be the horse I had to put to sleep after the previous vet had ripped the colon during rectal palpation releasing faeces into the abdominal cavity - not pretty. The sight of that Mare's foal pawing at its mothers body seemed quite devastating for the foal.

That was all years ago... but the lady who sang to her dog as I put it to sleep this week comes in the top ten somewhere.
Hey ho.

Edits... Saturday morning wasn't much better - had a bloke in floods of tears this morning. He had no real other option so it was very sad. Lost his pal of 15 yrs.

How do I do it? Its quite simple really - I just console myself with the fact that I know I'm doing the right thing at the right time. Ask me to do it at the "wrong" time and then I dont cope too well. Never too happy with my own pets - lost two this year. You just think they are invincible...
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 20:41, 9 replies)

In a Dublin pub
a mate of mine witnessed some moronic English meat head being loud, drunk and highly un-amusing while the rest of the punters tried their best to ignore him and enjoy their pints. At one point he asked an elderly bloke who'd been sitting quietly at the bar if he could tell him where the toilets were.

"What you do," he said, "Is walk around the other side of the bar. There you'll see two doors - one of them has a sign on it saying Gentlemen."

He continued, "Take no notice of that, you can go straight on in."
(Haywood Manley, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:53, 1 reply)

Slighty repost, but it was only a reply to a link...
In a debate on capital punishment between two lawyers:

Lawyer 1: Revelling in a man's death isn't very Christian
Lawyer 2: Beg to differ; it's a central plank of the whole thing.

Best comeback ever. Argument won.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:06, 2 replies)

Blessed are the cheesemakers
A few years back at Oxford.

Devout Christian English student: "There has never been a film made which was better than the book upon which it was based."

Physics student: "The Life of Brian was quite good."
(oily85, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 21:08, 12 replies)

Stupid Englishman
after about 30 minutes of an Englishman gallantly fighting a losing battle of wits against a Welshwoman about the relative merits of their countries...

Stupid Englishman - Well then, if Wales is so great, why are you working in England? Why don't you fuck off home?

Welshwoman - No work there in my area :(

SE - Ha ha ha ha, see, Wales is so shit you have to come here to get a job .... *looks smug* .... So what do you do then?

WW- I work with people with learning difficulties!
( cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 17:46, 5 replies)

Gough Whitlam ( former PM of Australia)
When Sir Winton Turnbull [who represented a large rural seat] was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted: "I am a Country member". Gough interjected "I remember". Turnbull could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides.
(Funkwomble XBL and PSN DangerBoy73, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 13:47, 4 replies)

Linguistics lecturer
Lecturer: "In most languages, two negatives make a positive. 'I do not dislike this' means I like it. However, the opposite is not true. Two positives do not make a negative."

Shouted from back of lecture hall: "Yeah, right"
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:21, 6 replies)