comic relief
wrapping your cock in The Beano and having a tommy tank.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 14:51, 2 replies)

Your dad
/coat
(runge got stuck to a vertical surface on:, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 14:51, Reply)

Innocent
When I was about 7 or 8 we went on a family holiday to Menorca. One night my brother (18 months older than me) and I were ready for bed but started mucking around with my dad's camera. For some reason (i've no idea why) we thought it would be fun to take photographs of each others' pee-pees.
My dad didn't think it was quite so much fun when, a couple of weeks later, he went to pick up the holiday snaps from Boots and was promptly invited back to the police station to "have a chat" about the disturbing images they had developed. 20 odd years later, I wonder if that's still on his record somewhere?
(jonfish, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 14:37, 4 replies)

Zip, squelch, ouch.
It wasn't so much the act that I was ashamed of.

I sincerely doubt I'm the only fella who's caught themselves in their fly after a school swimming trip, and it did teach me the true value of underpants.

The screaming in front of all my class mates was, however, pretty embarrassing.

Having my teacher help free my mini-me from my trousers' evil metallic claws reddened my face somewhat.

And crying about it for longer than was really necessary did, most certainly, cause me quite a lot of shame.
( Moey, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 14:26, 2 replies)

Adult abuse
When I was very very young my family were invited to a party next door.

I had been partially toilet trained. I didn't have to wear nappies but I wasn't able to pee without help. My mum used to have to point percy in the right direction.

Let me emphasise ... I was very very young at this point in my life but, unfortunately, old enough for the memory to be formed.

Anyway, this party ...

At some point in the evening I needed to go to the loo but my parents weren't anywhere to be seen. The host, our neighbour, saw me looking for them and worked out I needed to go to the loo. Being a nice neighbour he took me to the outside toilet.

This is where it gets embarrassing. I had never been to the loo on my own and so I didn't think it at all unusual to ask the man to "hold my winkle".

He actually did hold it for me, very reluctantly, and not in a pervy way. Poor bloke.

I had forgotten all about this until now.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 14:10, 2 replies)

Lesson learned as a young teenager...
...That when lying on an elevated style bed and perusing fine gentleman's art publications, it's best to avoid playing a Be-bop solo on the spunk trumpet while one's bedside lamp is switched on.

Otherwise one might find the impromptu menage-et-une shadow puppetry act is projected out of one's bedroom window, which isn't great when you live in a cul-de-sac.

*cringes*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Mar 2009, 13:49, 12 replies)

Having a wank at work.
I nearly crashed the bus.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 13:40, 2 replies)

When I was a nipper
It was snowing quite heavily and our school had been closed (They never learn to leave the heating on very low over the holidays do they?)

So...therefore we went sledging!

I made (or rather my dad did) my sledge out of a bit of sharp tin, which whilst very slippery and fast was also very bloody sharp and likely to cut someone should they come off of it on their decent down the hill.

...i.e.....me!

Yep, I hit a rock under the snow and the 'sledge' tipped onto it's side and sliced through my trousers...and my cock.

Whilst I was laying on the ground holding my mid-region and crying whilst being surrounded by astounded kids, an elderly lady (well, she was about 50, but that's ancient when you're 8 years old) came over and said "are you alright little boy?"

I said, "no, I've cut my willy".

Cue me getting into her car and being driven home.

Not really a very shamefull story, but then this QoTW is worse than last week!

In other news, however, I have been known to put my cock in my girlfriends arse and then into my ex-girlfriends mouth and back again - and repeat. The week before this one it was happening with another ex-girlfriend and current girlfriend, but they alternated who's arse it was coming out of.

I would have posted that story up in full, but it said "ashamed of doing with a penis" and I'm not really ashamed of that - I'm just a dirty, lucky bastard.
(dchurch bah, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 13:35, 3 replies)

Penis Pen
Once I thought it'd be funny to take the ink bit out of a biro and try to slide it down my japseye to make my dick into a pen. Cue much pain and a little bit of blood coming out next time I did a wee.
( Mr. Jack cracked the elite b3ta inner circle on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 13:27, 5 replies)

oh dear...the scars
picture the scene,Wick,Scotland 1998, house party, you've drunk far too much newky brown and fallen asleep on your mates couch, there's 3 people asleep on the other couch, 4 on the floor in sleeping bags and an absolute monstrosity getting comfy on the end of your couch.

then she moves closer....
bit closer.....
head on your chest...
hand in your boxers....


bugger it, when in rome.

i'm 16 stone, so was she. a less appealing beast with 2 backs could ne'er be found.

she had 2 false teeth.
no redeeming factors; they called her Jayba the hutt at school.

The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis???

putting it in her.

next weekend i went back for seconds.


apparently i broke her heart, she loved me.
i was young and stupid. i should've stayed away. i should'vwe said no.

i didn't and i've got to live with it.

cold, i know. i get grief about it whenever i go home. that was a long time ago.

getting flashbacks now.

god i feel ill.
(Captain Benzo Panda fighting, live on tuesdays., Fri 13 Mar 2009, 13:08, 5 replies)

Here's one I flicked off in the Carribean recently...
Isn't it awfully nice to have a mimsy?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a bush?
It's swell to have a pussy.
It's divine to own a chuff.
From the tiniest lady garden,
To the world's biggest muff.

So, three cheers for your fabulous vagina.
Hooray for your hoochie coochie friend.
Your lady bits, your cha-cha-cha,
Your cherry, or your box.
You can pierce it or tattoo it,
Or fill it full of cocks.
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock.
And you won't come back!

(With thanks to Powervator and The Pythons for the inspiration)
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 12:53, 18 replies)

I thought nothing of it at the time
My Godmum came to visit us when I was about 5. She bought some bath crayons with her as a present for us kids. When it came to bath time Aunty June (godmum) was helping my sister and I draw busses on the tiles around the bath, fish on the bottom of the bathtub, fake tattoos on ourselves and so on while we merrily splashed around... then I had an idea... So I coloured it in.

"Look Aunty June, I've got a blue willy!"

And that became Aunty June's favourite story to tell anyone I introduced her to as my girlfreind.

Why I chose blue I have no idea.

Goddamn bath crayons.
(ralphseviltwin, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 12:40, Reply)

Double girlfriend bruised cock shame
One day a work buddy of mine managed to slam into the side of a van on his motorbike - being a heavily built chap (he was a nightclub bouncer on the side), he was essentially uninjured.

Apart from his tackle.

Apparently his schlong very quickly went red and purple from the bruising, and his nuts ballooned to the size of oranges.

He couldn't walk, and the hospital were quite concerned about the general look of this and his future procreative ability, so they kept him in for a few days until he could walk unaided and to ensure the swelling was going down.

Did I mention he was a nightclub bouncer? One of the perks of the job was getting lots of lovely ladies throwing themselves at you night after night.

Now he had several liaisons on the go at once, and when they couldn't get hold of him on his mobile, or at home, they asked at the club. Who promptly told each one they could find him at the hospital.

So, imagine the scene, two girls turn up simultaneously at his bedside:

"Hello, who are you?"
"I'm his girlfriend."
"Err, no, I'm his girlfriend"
"Like fuck. Mike, what's her problem? Fuck off love."
"You get to fuck bitch, tell her Mike!"

And now a third lady enters the fray, and Mike has three harridans, screaming at each other, screaming at him, and the poor bastard can't get away from it, and all he can do look mournfully at his lap and the injured, useless member therein, and consider the 4 things he regretted doing with his cock.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 12:35, 2 replies)

putting it a lady's mouth
about 5 minutes after taking it out of her sister's anus.


Ashamed yes but wanting so much to say

"guess where that's been"
(wallynothere rnot without protection, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 12:31, 7 replies)

I killed a duck today....
I didnt mean to, I was driving into work, when I passed a farm and saw the little chap waddle out into the road.
I slowed down (I was only doing 30 anyway), but I thought for some reason he would run back from whence he had come when he'd seen me.
Only he didnt and by the time I realised what his plans were he had met with an unpleasant end on the front spoiler of my car.

I would like to point out at this juncture that I've never killed anything that I wasnt intending to eat, and I feel *really* ashamed right now.

I have a penis, by the way.. it just wasnt involved in this particular death
(Vic Flange, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 12:25, 4 replies)

Fwapping

You and I know that, thanks to the magic of onomatopoeia, fwapping is a more poetic word for getting your wank on. However my dwarfy friend thinks it is the word for what many people would call a 'cockslap', where you hold your cock in your hand and hit someone in the face with it (*).

This is how she came to tell me of the time her "friend" got a black eye fwapping. Good luck explaining that one at work.

(*) this story would probably be improved by a relevant footnote.
(teebie jeebie, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 12:23, Reply)

It was shortly after durex launched their 'play' range of lubes
and me and the then Ms Santiago decided to give the 'warming' stuff a go...

Mmm... 'Hot cock' thinks I - this could be fun!

However, I neglected to consider my very sensitive skin and liberally applied the stuff to my old fella.

*tingle*
*hot*
*hot hot hot!*

The warming wasn't unpleasant and Ms Santiago appeard to be having a whale of a time too - result!

However, upon retiring for a post-coital shower, the skin on my old chap looked VERY tight (even when flaccid) and washing wasn't getting rid of the heat.

What happened over the next few days (and lasted about 3 weeks in total) was the most excruciating thing I've ever felt - My cock 'peeled' and shed it's skin. My raw shame was untouchable and the doctor was unable to do anything about it. I had 3 weeks off work and spent all of my time naked from the waist down bathing my loins with cold water.

Never. EVER, again.
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Fri 13 Mar 2009, 12:12, 12 replies)

Yunanga
An economist mate of mine, Arthur, has just landed a dream job. He's flying off to help the good people of Yunanga sort out their terrible economy, which is in a real fucking mess.

"Yunanga?" I asked. "Never heard of that one."

"Ahh," says Arthur. "It's just starting out, you see. It's currently part of the Democratic Republic of Congo, but they're breaking away to form their own country."

"Hmmm... So this is a case of Arty-fiscal-in-semi-nation..."
( SpankyHanky, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:54, 4 replies)

last weekend
I shagged this girl that I was actually not attracted to in the slightest. The alcohol helped, but it did nothing to allay the guilt I felt in the morning. It wasn't that she was ugly, it was just that she didn't do it for me in any way whatsoever. She had a small gut, but I put that down to bad posture. Her "bad posture" was particularly bad when I had her legs somewhere back behind her head. So not wanting to seem ungrateful for this somewhat misguided opportunity I suggested we adjust our bodies so that she was now in the doggy position.

I grimaced. She caught site of me in the mirror on the table. Fortunately my grimace isn't a million miles off from my happy sex face so she seemed pleased. Pleased enough to reach around and try insert a finger in her bottom. Now obviously supporting oneself on a single arm whilst bucking around like a slightly demented show pony didn't lend itself to the task of staying upright.

Her total collapse in her drunken state left me with a slightly injured cock and the beautiful sight of drunk lass in a heap with a finger up her arse. I felt I'd hit a bit of low point in my life and I wish the earth had swallowed me up right then and there and spat me out in the comfort of my own house - alone. Alas it was not to be. She, sensing the tenderness of the moment and my obvious discomfort did all she could to reconcile our earlier lust by barking, "Lick my pussy, NOW!!".

Now, dear readers I don't want bring further disrepute upon myself by divulging more details of this liaison. Suffice to say it was shameful and were it not for the voices in my penis I wouldn't have done it.

I'm am however pleased to report that my penis shall never be allowed to rule my thoughts again. I have had stern words and the agreement we have reached is that this shall never ever happen again. Well at least until tuesday. That's because I've arranged to go for one drink with this girl. Just one drink mind and then off home.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:50, 1 reply)

Sticking it into my (soon-to-be) ex-wife.
Most of the time she just lay there like a blubbery whale corpse while I did all my best moves. Wonder why I bothered! *harumph*
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:45, Reply)

Not just my knob
but whole genital area.

I crashed my bike last summer - arsed ended a car on the North Circular. Entirely my fault, sadly, but it was during a torrential downpour & visibility was low. Still my fault though. I was thrown forward with such force I dented the tank with my groin.

It hurt. A lot. For days.
see pic here:
www.flickr.com/photos/35152120@N00/2662935907/
( Dunks, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:41, 7 replies)

How I got STD.
I went skiing and due to my woeful ineptness managed to break both of my arms as I stuck them out trying to protect myself from a fall. The alternative to not breaking my arms was breaking my neck so I thought that it was fairly reasonable.

Of course living on my own with both my arms in plaster was a trifle difficult. I ended up using my wang for a number of things.

In one memorable instance I used my willy to call up BT (I was a customer) for something but I had to use a local area code instead of the national number as I used the saynoto0845 thing website. It was Subscriber Trunk Dialling.

STD? Trunk? I used my wang as a trunk? To call an area code? An old style STD? I presented the story in a certain way but strove to get a different reaction to the one expected? Is anyone still reading?

Damn digerati with their hilarious ‘puns’. Why aren’t my 'puns' funny?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:29, 2 replies)

pain and ridicule. . . but he had no shame!
Now I knew this Chap at school who was rather a bit of a tit.
To start of with after Easter Holidays one year he came back with a rather padded crotch area and proudly told the class how he had managed to masturbate so hard that he tore his foreskin half-off and had needed stiches. . . . bleh.
Things took a turn for the worst about 3 months later. This chap was missing fromschool for about a week, when he came back he ws undeniably wearing a nappy, It turnd out that he had been mixing a beaker full of random chemicals and thins from the garage in hs room to "see what happened", his Father opened his door to question him as to the god-awfull smell, there was an inrush of oxygen into the room and the burning mess in the beaker flared up . . . to around crotch height. It left the chap peeing blood for a few weeks, wearing special underkeggers for a few months and open to ridicule for the rest of his life. Hs jolly rodger must look like a miniture John Merrick.

As for length, its undeniably longer than what he has left . . .
(Castlefield One cannot eat raw sparklebunny, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:25, Reply)

Bloody cock
I did something shameful to another mans penis once. Indirectly.

My mate phoned me one night to tell me he had snapped his banjo string* whilst shagging. He had heard - rightly - that it had happened to me a few months earlier (I told everyone, rite of passage thing, plus, lots of blood - good story) and he didnt know what to do. He was in a mild panic, and not a small amount of pain.

I'm still sorry Mike for doing this, but I told him to immediately dunk it in very salty water.

I can imagine the look on his face now. I know its not a medically bad thing to do, but my god it must have hurt.

(Ironically, when it happened to me, I never felt a thing).

*thin line of skin attaching foreskin to penis at the back. If it wasnt for this, your entire skin would unravel and possibly fall off the body. It's very important. Occasionally is damaged during sex and due to increased bloodflow at the time, bleeds a fucking lot.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:24, 4 replies)

Prick.
I recently parted company with the bloke who I was seeing for the past year. It was not an easy split. He could best be described as a little unhinged. Or as a cunt. But this QOTW is about pricks, so let's stick with that.

Our relationship was far from smooth and so we called it a day. The boundaries were still blurred though. I wanted to stay on good terms. He agreed. We hung out. It was easy and friendly and neither of us quite knew what was going on but it seemed okay.

No.

I went fishing with him and his mates a few Saturdays ago. As I sat on the riverbank, all birdsong and calmness and sunlight fragmenting on the water, he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. He never usually did that - he was never affectionate with me when we were together. I lay back against him and enjoyed the comfortable silence, then turned my face towards him and he kissed me. We slid hands into clothes and opened buckles and buttons and sneaked back to the van to continue. "Come to my gig later?" he asked as we were interrupted by the others returning. "You can stay the night if you want to have a drink." I agreed to all that he implied.

And so, that night, I helped him lug his gear to the pub. He was attentive and charming - played songs for me, chatted, laughed with me. We knew we'd be going home to finish what we'd started earlier. Ah, but I should've remembered how mercurial he is.

The landlord's daughter had been making eyes at him from the moment he came in. Each time he stopped for a break she'd be over trying to talk to him. Eventually his breaks began to get longer. He was talking back. Worse still, everything about his stance suggested he was responding to her. I watched from a table across the room as he leaned in close to listen to her. His mate saw it too, looked at me, at him, then marched over to try and casually break up the little scene. It didn't work. A sickening feeling was creeping over me - hurt mixed with disbelief. It was like watching a car crash unfold, knowing I was powerless to stop it. I could hear their laughter along with the white noise rushing in my ears. I got angrier and angrier. At this stage I'd had too much drink to be able to drive home. I was dependent on staying at my ex-bloke's flat and it was obvious he wanted some other company than mine. At the end of the night they were still chatting and flirting. I saw their heads moving closer together and felt physically sick at the idea that he'd kiss her while I was there, and only a few hours earlier his mouth had been on mine. I'd had enough. I walked over and said "Everything is packed up, shall we head now?". He broke off at the interruption, looked at me with disdain, picked up his guitar, thrust it at me and said "I'm busy. Here, take this to the van and wait for me there."

The guitar was not placed carefully in the van. I did not wait for him while he picked up some other girl to fuck. His mate got the keys and took me, shaking, back to my ex-bloke's flat. He turned up three hours later, smug and lairy. I haven't seen him since.

He should be ashamed of thinking with his penis. I'm told he is ashamed of where he put it that night. And, despite the fact that he possesses the most beautiful cock I have ever come across, I'm ashamed of getting so upset by a prick like that.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:18, 15 replies)

My mate Adam
Went home for a while recently to visit his family. I'm unsure of the details, but somehow his brother managed to really piss him off. Adam is creative, and he came up with a cunning plan for vengeance. After enjoying a wank, he picked up a cotton bud and very carefully collected a good dollop of jizz. Then, with a steady hand and the skill of a true artist, he transferred the jizz into his brother's tube of toothpaste.

I'm pretty sure he hasn't told his brother about this.
(judeski walked on water and ran through fire, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:16, Reply)

I hope he doesn't read this...
My brother when he was but a nipper was quite the exhibitionist.

He thought nothing of standing on the windowsill, in naught but his birthday suit and in full view of the busy road that passed by our house.

With a merry tune and a happy grin, he would strum his penis, while holding his other arm out to one side and singing "I'm playing my willy guitar" over and over again, in a high pitched, wurzelled drawl.

He didn't seem ashamed at the time, but when I recalled it recently and enlightened the mother of his children as well as a selection of his closest friends, he clearly began to regret being such a mong in his childhood.
( Moey, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:13, Reply)

I'm just going to edit the question slightly...
The things I've been most ashamed of doing with I would do if I had a penis (Aka: Things i would do if I was a man for an undisclosed period of time).

1. Pee Standing Up
Whilst I am aware women can pee standing up with a bit of jiggling and faffery it's no where near as convienient as whipping out your member and letting that stream gush out over the fence/bush/next doors cat. In fact if I could pee standing up I'd go and see a U2 gig so I could piss in bottles and throw those golden bottles of love at Bono. Hopefully he would scream "I'm melting!" and disolve into a small untalented smudge on the stage.

2. Have incredibly quick Sex
Yup I'd find myself some hot chick and throw her down on the bed, stripping off and I plow deep inside of her. I wouldn't bother thinking about sandwiches or the latest debate in the House of Lords, I'd think about hot sweaty sex and I'm pretty sure I could blow my load within a few minutes leaving her disappointed and frustrated whilst I rolled over and went to sleep. In the morning I'd probably wake up and laugh at her as she flicked the bean trying to build herself up to orgasm. I'd probably then go and piss in her sink just because I could.

3 Experiment with substitute mimsies
Sticking my finger in a carefully heated watermelon probably doesn't have the same thrill as thrusting my rock hard dick into one.

4 Take Pictures of it and send it to everyone on Internet dating sites
As a man I would assume everyone posting on internet sites would want to see pictures of my awesome chunk of man meat. I'd probably take a few pictures though looking for the one that makes it look like I'm a caring kind of guy who wouldn't piss in your sink.

5. Scratch my balls in public. All the time
Not for any reason than to gross people out when they see my hand down my pants and hear that nice scratchy sound as I give my pubes a good rustling

6. Delight that my penis doesn't start dripping blood once a month
That sounds like I'd have to start showering more than twice a week, or at least change my boxers.

7. Ignore decent suggestions and just think about my cock all day
I'd pretend I was being a sweet caring guy who was open to compromise when I changed the wording of my latest fantasical idea to try and include all those whining women sorts who were jealous they didn't have the same gigantic bulge in their trousers as I did. But they are probably all on their periods or something.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:07, 13 replies)