When I was 17 I worked for Gateway foodmarkets..........
and we had a right twunt of a manager named Mr Wigginton, he was a complete lech, and he'd sit up in the little cash office at the front of the shop all day perving out on us girls, and filling the room with his stinkbreath.

Anyway one day as usual he sent me out to McDonalds to fetch his lunch for him, great use of company time eh sending staff to fetch your lunch?

On the way back there was this old granny walking her stinky dog in front of me, and I noticed said pooch had a shall we say sloppy rear orifice? This gave me an idea for revenge, so I took his straw ( this was the days before they came with paper covers ) and bent down to stroke said dog, and well umm inserted the straw in previously mentioned orifice.

Popped the straw brown end down into sirs chocolate milkshake, and served it up with a big smile for him. I told a few of the other girls and we sat chuckling watching him slurp down his extra thick milkshake hehehehe
(Serai, Fri 14 May 2004, 18:32, Reply)

Again, not me, but a friend of my parents' . . .
This guy was a friendly sort, and quite often entertained neighbours at his house. He cottoned on to the fact that one particular couple were stealing his fresh fruit and, for some reason, his toilet paper. So he injected the fruit with laxatives and wiped the contents of a few jalapeno peppers down the centre of an entire bog roll.

Apparently they carried on stealing both items for ages. He didn't mind.
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Fri 14 May 2004, 18:24, Reply)

Buy me a crap CD for X-Mas eh?
My ex got me a shit CD for christmas then dumped me. I got my revenge by posting her mobile telephone number on a sex swingers website.... Mwwwwhahahahahaha
( Misterk1973 been a hanging around these here parts since, Fri 14 May 2004, 18:20, Reply)

I think the guy actually ate most of the salad later, but this has not been confirmed
A friend of mine, Eric, went to visit a buddy of his who had recently done something to piss him off. At some point he waited till no one was looking, opened the fridge, saw a salad sitting there, and promptly took a piss right into it. He shut the door and left the kitchen as if nothing had happened.
Later, as he was relating this to me, he snickered and said "There's a nice vinaigrette for you..."
(three hams, Fri 14 May 2004, 17:58, Reply)

This is one from my Dad's school days.
There was a guy who had a moped of some kind and would park it out the front of the school. One day one of his friends took a soft pencil, drew a line of graphite down the outside edge of the sparkplug, and replaced it in the bike. The guy comes out after school to get on his bike and leave. now here's the scientific part: electricity will always take the easiest route, and in this case that was the graphite. This meant that the plug wouldn't spark and the bike stayed dead. A small crowd gathered, all of whom were in the know, to watch him puzzling over it for ages before finally going back inside to call a repairman. While he's gone they rub the graphite off of the plug. Repairman arrives, bike starts fine, callout fee is paid.

This school was quite an old building, made in the 20s and intended for upper-class children. It has big double doors, wide corridors, and two grassy quadrangles in the centre with glass walls so you can see inside them from everywhere. It took four strong lads to pick up the art teacher's mini, carry it through the school to one of the quads, and place it inside just before lunch. How he got it out again I don't know.

I don't know what the specific motivation was for either of these events, but the gist was that they both deserved it.
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Fri 14 May 2004, 17:51, Reply)

Victim takes revenge!
When first dating my wife in 1983, her ex used to cause all kinds of grief for me – making hoax complaints to my employer, telling a security guard I’d been shoplifting, etc, etc. He even tried to pay someone to beat me up – the joke was that the “hitman” and I thought it all rather pathetic and we became good mates. He also used to follow us around on his motorbike and when we'd parked he'd put a 6 inch nail in my car tyre. Later the same day he'd then take great delight in pulling up on his bike whilst we stuck at the side of the road changing the flat tyre and then laugh at me before driving off before I had a chance to smack him.

Fast forward 18 years to 2001 and we are now on vacation in the UK having emigrated to Australia in 1988. Found out that he is now a real estate salesman so we arranged to view several upmarket properties with him (he didn’t recognise me or my wife). Gleefully enjoyed finding fault with everything he showed us and managed to slip outside of the last viewing to place two 6 inch nails under his car tyres. Then made sure that he got a few minutes head start on us and headed home. Soon found him at the roadside with 2 flat tyres and pulled over. He looked so pleased that I’d stopped to “help”, but instead I started to tell him how awful it was to have such a stunt pulled on you and that some c**t used to do the same to me all those years ago. Then told him “Funny thing mate, that c**t had the same name as you”. The look on his face as it gradually dawned on him was f**cking priceless. Laughed at him and drove off!

The fact that my wife is even more drop dead gorgeous now than she was when she dumped him just adds salt to the wound!!
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 14 May 2004, 17:48, Reply)

Just remembered another couple.
Back when I hated my Dad (toooo long a story) and he was moving out he asked me to get all his stuff together. Which I did, after:
1) Taking out any stuff that I wanted
2) Throwing his stereo down the stairs
3) Drawing Groucho marks faces on all the people in his 'artwork'
4 (my fav.)) he had an origami fish inside a picture frame; I opened the frame carefully, unfolded the fish, wrote 'fish' on it, put it back inside the frame.
(Chom, Fri 14 May 2004, 17:47, Reply)

Manky Leg Cereals
While at university I broke my leg. It was the middle of summer and so to help me out, my housemates started putting salt/pepper/sand/dirt anything they could think of down the side of my plastercast to make it itch more. They also tried to put laxatives in my tea/coffee so they could watch me hobble to the bathroom.

When the time came to take the plaster off my leg... I scraped all the old dead skin off my leg, foot and from between my toes which had festered there for the past 2 months - chopped it up into tiny pieces - and put it in their readybrek :)

I sat there quietly smiling to myself every morning while they tucked in!

On the last day of Uni, I also taped stinkbombs to the underside of the pedals in their cars... and swapped the tape in one of their parents car cassette player with the recording of him and his girlfriend having phone sex that the rest of us had recorded earlier that year - something for him and his parents to listen to on the way home :)
( ashurek, Fri 14 May 2004, 17:38, Reply)

ginger revenge
I shaved my ginger beard into my flatmates baccy pouch and watched him smoke it for a week, when he found out he beat the shit out of me ( in a freindly way ) he definately deserved it.
(roger_cook, Fri 14 May 2004, 17:34, Reply)

Oh Hell Just thought of another....
I didn't realise I had so many revenge stories.

Again this one involves my flatmates Steve (see my earlier post) and Vish.

Vish, was the owner of an expensive but rather tastless BMW. It had the sound system, reflective number plates, motion detecting alarm system, go faster stripes - the works.

We also had the perenial nosey neighbour. This guy was 70 and completely paranoid about people parking in front of his house. Basically he was just a sad old man who wanted to keep the parking space free for when his daughter came to visit. Of Course Vish and Steve couldn't resist tormenting him. Vish would park infront of his house just to wind him up. Nosey neighbour would come out of his house, waving his walking stick and hurling abuse.

Vish was bad but it was Steve who came up with the ultimate revenge.

Steve fancied himself as a bit of a chef, so one day he decides to make a crumble for our neighbour by way of a peace offering. The contents of this dish include, Earth from the back garden, fish guts, urine, the contents of the dustbin and a whole host of other culinary delights. As a decorative touch Steve arranges the words "YOU CUNT" in pasta shells on top of the crumble.

He took it round to our neighbor and apolagetically says "I know we haven't always seen eye to eye but we'd like to give you this as our way of saying sorry."

I don't know if this guy actually ate it but I strongly suspect the Steve might have killed him if he had.
(Sadows98, Fri 14 May 2004, 17:15, Reply)

A few mild ones.
Long time reader first time poster.

My mate got pissed off with the boss at work one day (I can't remember why) and we happened to have lots of clocks as part of the job. He set all the alarms to go off at different intervals from 5mins time until 30mins time - the same time as the drive home the boss took with all the clocks scattered around the back of his van.

And a couple I'm going to do to the bitch that's withholding my Dad's stuff (my birthright) after his death:
1) Send her a few rocks in the post with no stamps. She'll have to pay the postage to pick them up from the Post Office before she can check what they are.
2) Put her phone number in every phone-box in London with a strippers picture and the name 'erogenique'. She's a genuine masseuse (sp?) and so anyone who phones up is likely to get as far as the table
(Chom, Fri 14 May 2004, 17:15, Reply)

I was very evil once....
I'd been seeing this girl for quite a while, and then she decided, actually, that my best mate would be a far better proposition than me, and promptly propositioned him.

I bit my toungue and bided my time.

They'd been seeing each other for 3 weeks when his birthday came round. Now, having been out with her, I knew how long she took to put out, and I was pretty certain that said mate's birthday was likely to be D-Day.

In more ways than one.

For you see, in the preceeding weeks, I'd started up a rather malicious whispering campaign that, shall we say, raised questions as to 'Joe' and his sexuality. And of course, I'd cunningly steered these in the direction of 'Sarah' and her friends, and managed to do so in such a subtle way no-one had any idea I was behind the campaign.

Anyway, obviously the rumours got back to Joe, and so he was rather keen to prove that he was by no stretch of the imagination gay. We all went out for his birthday. I'd also remembered to bring with me the vital tools of the trade - a nice hipflask of finest Palenka (a Romanian spirit that packs quite a punch) and completely no sense of shame. Joe was being careful that night, trying not to drink too much. After all, you don't want brewer's droop when the girl's going to put out do you? Especially if she thinks you might be gay...

A little sprinkling of Palenka in that pint...some in that one....you get the idea. Joe goes home, not completely smashed, but certainly not in a fit state to raise the flag.

Net result? Ex-girlfriend dumps mate because she thinks he's gay (since technically he shouldn't have had that much to drink to have that effect), tells most people in sight, and said mate has to put up with everyone he knows thinking he's gay (and has to fend off unwelcome advances).

I'm still mates with him and he still doesn't know.
(DeusXM, Fri 14 May 2004, 17:13, Reply)

revenge
After throwing out a violent husband I met a'nice' guy. After seeing him for 6 months I found out that he was not only married but had 4 children 1 being 3 months old. I got him drunk then cut off all his pubic hair then painted his tackle with red food colouring. On awakening and seeing my handiwork I told him calmy to show that to the wife!
(chingle, Fri 14 May 2004, 16:45, Reply)

Cucumber
Oooh Got another one, Also from Uni days.

I remember being told a story by a girl I knew at Uni. I must admit she was a bit of a fruitloop!

At one point she was living in an all female residence and she had a falling out with one of the other girls in the house. One day she happens to be looking in the fridge and spots that her enemy has bought a cucumber for dinner. She decides to 'borrow' the cucumber.

What did she do with it? Well let's just say, she was feeling a little bit horny that day and that it was the closest thing to a man she could find!

Does she, chuck the cucumber in the bin or replace it? No. She puts it back in the fridge as if nothing has happened.

Cut to later that evening. Her enemy is tucking into a nice cucumber salad. "mmmmmmmm she says, this cucumber is delicious!"
(Sadows98, Fri 14 May 2004, 16:34, Reply)

goatse
i checked out my websites statistics and this one message board that i had never been to was producing quite a few hits. i looked at the message board and someone had linked some of my animations directly on their post. so, i went into my web server and changed the first animation to... GOATSE... now they have a huge blown up ass right on their message board...
4um.sugarcube.net/viewtopic.php?t=758 (NSFW -- its the goat man!)
(Limpy713 Thu 21 Nov, 15:59, Tues 1 Oct, 05:22, Fri 14 May 2004, 16:25, Reply)

Not exactly me...
but when i was in primary school, someone would, every day, without fail nick my kitkat from my lunchbox. Well, one day my mum had a cunnning plan, and cracked open the kitkat the night before, laced it with chili powder and subtley stuck it back together.

Well, the next day i found out the culprit. Purely because he was running around with his tongue out, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Guess you could call it a taste of his own medicine, but unless his doctor prescribed him a load of chocolate chili, i think maybe it was just revenge.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 14 May 2004, 16:21, Reply)

I work
for a sex shop. There was a dildo on my desk for months which everyone in the office was using as a stress toy. (It's made of nice squishy silicon.) I caught someone with it in their mouth one day, who happened to be pissing me right off.

I took said dildo home and used it on my girlfriend in a very uncomfortable place, then returned it without washing it. Then happily observed it being sucked by the fuckface.

Yay.
(Highlander, Fri 14 May 2004, 16:20, Reply)

not me but my boss
when i worked as a skivvey in a kitchen, every time we got a customer complaining that his steak was under done (i live in yorkshire where it's customary to cremate them before consumption) he'd take it off the plate and wipe it round the urinal before serving it up back to them!!!
(I've done it so many times it's boring now..., Fri 14 May 2004, 16:18, Reply)

Revenge is a dish best served cold and soggy
This is a little story of impromtu revenge from my Uni Days involving my then housemate Steve.

I went to meet Steve at one of the local nightclubs. By the time I got there Steve was already completely slaughtered. Inside the club they had a Burger Bar. I was completely famished, mainly because Steve had eaten us out of house and home (the fat greedy cunt!) So I went and ordered a burger and chips for myself. Not wanting to appear stingy I offered some chips to the others, including Steve. Being completely wasted, instead of taking a chip, he managed to knock the entire box out of my hand. The chips went all over the floor. He then disappeared into the throng, red faced and laughing.

I collected the chips, put them back in the box and put them to one side.

About 45 mins later Steve returns, by which time the chips are stone cold.

"Oi Steve!" I say, "Have some chips!"

The following day when he has had a chance to sober up he tells me he remembers eating the chips and thinking at the time how cold and soggy they were.

I like to think, that this tale contains a certain poetic justice.
(Sadows98, Fri 14 May 2004, 16:14, Reply)

Keeping it simple...
My revenge on the typical north american quarterback, soaked in cologne, hair perfect, new sports car, spoiled, conceited, twunt was to attach a raw chicken to the top of his sports car muffler with some wire. The first trip had a lovely chicken fried scent - after a few days decomposing it became truly lovely... he paid quite bit of money geting the car detailed over and over before they found it... and then paid $100 cdn to have it removed! finger lickin good!
(Pastor of Muppets, Fri 14 May 2004, 16:00, Reply)

I had a noisy-neighbour who used to leave his helmet chained to his scooter
One night I was taking my baby daughters shitty nappy out to the bin when I had an idea. I wiped the shit all around the inside of the helmet and left it for him.
(Chopper3, Fri 14 May 2004, 16:00, Reply)

In the last year of school, some twonk started spreading rumours about me.
This pissed me off a little, so I came up with a plan - a cunning, horribly un-subtle plan.

I sent a letter to him via the school register, which said he'd been suspended from school for shit grades. I used the school letter-head, and a printed copy of the headteacher's signature for authenticity. I told him that the suspension would last 2 weeks, or until futher notice.

The fool actually stayed off school for 8 days before he got a phone call from school, accusing him of truancy. He got absolutely bollocked - and I was pleased.
(Market Man, Fri 14 May 2004, 15:57, Reply)

Here's a selection
GF first: She hated her one particular flatmate who made all the others living in the house lives a living hell. My (now charming and well behaved) lady used her flatmates precious pots and pans as portable urinals when the unheated house was freezing and she could not face the icerink that was the bathroom.
Me now: I was at the end of a very unrewarding relationship, and the sex part had turned rubbish. As she was 17 and I was 18, we were round her parents place, and I was in the spare room. Sex became 1) me sneak into her room smuggling a chubby 2) me go down on her 3) she get sudden 'headache' and I go back to spare room with severe teenage priapism. Since I was in army, I only got Sat night out. On the third week running of this I went to the ensuite (her parents were loaded) and gently maintained myself on the brink of the gravy stroke until I could hear the snores, then snuck back out and unloaded all over her upturned face and precious hair. I left her sleeping to be woken by her mum and only returned to bin her the next week.
Another : Left the Academy for summer leave. One wanker had really cheesed us off all year and not done the decent thing and resigned. He moved his room and left early not helping the rest as per normal. We broke in, soaked his carpet, left his curtains open and sowed grass seed with daisys on the floor. He returned to a meadow and a demand for explanations as his room security was his responsibility. We also filled his shoes with vomit.
(I am the infinite monkey!, Fri 14 May 2004, 15:38, Reply)

I put
a flute in someone's pussy because she put a euphonium down my japs eye.
(It doesn't always sting when you piSSSS., Fri 14 May 2004, 15:27, Reply)

Big Things In Small Packages
While at Uni I used to work in today's equivalent of a cotton mill circa The Industrial Revolution....A Call Centre, accept there were no instances of small over worked children getting trapped in heavy machinery.

After 3 weeks I was promptly fired for being offensive to customers. On my last late shift, which I usually worked alone I popped out to Tesco's to buy 2 of the largest bags of prawns you have ever seen, I needed a trawler net to carry them. As I was on my own I proceeded to to slip one prawn into each of the 400 pc's floppy/cd drives located on each floor of the faceless, open plan office.

It took them a week and a half to figure out where the smell was coming from after they had stripped and checked the air con. They lost thousands....Fuckers.
(Filth #Wagon, Fri 14 May 2004, 15:25, Reply)

Having been
signed up for a load of junk mail by a friend, who then foolishly passed out on the carpet, my housemate and I decided to get revenge. He kept waking up when we tried to shave his eyebrows, so in the end we mixed up flour and egg, massaged it into his hair, then left him to sleep on the sofa with a tiny dab of chilli sauce on his lips.

The next day he woke up with shocking red lips, and learned that hot water from a shower turns egg and flour into cake mixture. Poor sod spent nearly an hour trying to wash his hair.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 14 May 2004, 15:17, Reply)

The Old Faithful
One night, during my just-split-up-with-my-girlfriend, drunk-as-hell phase, I had a godawful/brilliant night in Snobs in Birmingham. Being the kind of place students went (including myelf) it was full of people who would steal a pint as soon as you turn around. Being aware of this (and having lost two pints that night), I decided a refill was in order. Being environmentally conscious, I like to recycle, and poured a pint straight from my trouser tap.

Upon my return, I placed the pint in it's usual place, where it had slowly been drunk by thieving anonymous scumbags all night... proceeded to pretend to be oblivious of it, and saw it slowly get smaller and smaller as the night went on as people took to helping themselves. When it was empty, I did it again.

And they drank another pint of my piss without noticing it had come straight from the source.

Revenge tastes good.
(domesticterrorist, Fri 14 May 2004, 15:01, Reply)