Poo-jama Party
It was New Year's Eve, I was 8 and our parents had friends to stay over, one of whose kids had a big patch of wee on his Y-fronts at bedtime where he'd not shaken off. I laughed too hard and in my excitement did the loudest, longest fart ever heard and, on inspection, found I'd left a horrid little turd in the back of my Clothkits PJs. My brother broke the news in colourful language to my mum (just serving dinner) in front of her esteemed guests and she had to take off her apron to come upstairs and wipe my arse. So don't laugh too hard at other people's accidents...
(Max-E, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:39, Reply)

Its that old classic!
Many many times have I used the old "Turd in the Burger Box" trick to make drunk/stoned/hungry friends vomit violently! Its a beauty...
(petemachine, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:36, Reply)

I was walking home from the pub,
when suddenly "The Urge". Now, I have really bad stumak problems, so if I feel the urge, I have to go.

Myself and my mate went to the local service station, but the bloke wouldn't let us in. I asked him very kindly "Sir, please let me.." No. "I'll buy something." No. "Sir, if you don't let me in, i'll shit in the middle of the yard".

And so, I did.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:36, Reply)

There was this guy at uni whose name I forget
but that is probably for the best. He came in one night, ripped to the tits, fell flat on his face in the corridor and went to sleep. So his mates carried him to bed. The girls went to check on him in the morning and found the toilet, the corridor, his room and bed full of shit. They cleaned up the toilet and corridor and when they went to check on him again 3 hours later, he was fast asleep but the shit was gone. To this day, he has no idea he shat all over the flat and thinks no-one else even knows he crapped on his floor and in his bed.
(nugchuts, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:34, Reply)

Shit
A friend of mine in Barnsley explained that it is regarded that you have never trully been pissed until you have shat yourself whilst drunk. In the early 1980's whilst out on the town in Barnsley, wearing skin tight snow washed jeans and a jumper tucked into them and extremely drunk, he tripped over. The trip caused him to evacuate his arse with such force that the shit shot up the back of his jumper to escape through the only vacant exit, up the back of his neck. Nice!
(jackrussell, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:32, Reply)

whist having swimming lessons at school (aged 8)
the teached got us to hold onto the side whilst kicking our legs and blowing bubbles under water.
Suddenly my mate Chris started crying.
"what's wrong" said the teacher.
Chris whispered into the teachers ear and then got out of the pool.
Off he waddled with a large 'spud' in his trunks!
Obviously he tried to forget this, so me being the person I am....I mentioned this in my speach as best man at his wedding.
( M@rkoni, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:31, Reply)

Ratte rattle
When I was little, I was out playing football. I was wearing quite baggy trousers, so there was a lot of room, and I also really needed a shite. Due in part to laziness, I continued playing football while my cargo slowly slipped out with every movement I made. Soon enough, I'm running around playing football as if everything's fine, with a huge link freely rattling around in my pants like a pea in a whistle. When I got in to inspect the damage, my pants had a healthy tan, and I stood in the bathroom scrubbing at them with toilet roll, which just made it much worse.
(Shake, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:23, Reply)

Her Majesties Property
Used to be in Army in Oz. Out in the boonies it is customary to freesnake as heat and no showers for a couple of weeks can cause serious gonad-rot if you wear shreddies. One chap by the name of Will would not accompany the rest of us on the grounds his bell end was sensitive and insisted on wearing the same pair of jocks for a fortnight. (Yes it is possible to smell someone else crotch rot - from up to 10 feet). One other thing you need to know - Army rations clog you up for days. No need to waste time dumping daily, more time to walk pointlessly through the bush. When you do go, you go. I personally laid a two foot dump with the consistency of a tree trunk and the colouring of a giraffes neck. Anyway, Will came back in a high dudgeon after a weekly trip. Surprised, as you are normally elated after evacuating half a stone of turd, we asked what was wrong. It turned out that he had made a squatters error over the shit-pit, and had in fact coiled a monster into his precious undercrackers. No alternative but to cut the offending articles off and dump em. We had to put up with Will complaining loudly for the next five days that his sensitive instrument was being gradually eroded by friction with his trousers. Now a mate and I got exceedingly cheesed off with this. When he next crept off to the shitter, we snuck after him with an entrenching tool. Hiding in the bush directly behind the crapper, we stuck our military spade directly under his ringpiece and took possession of the most staggeringly big crap. It took both of us to hold it up, being at arms length and all that. Will, finishing up, peered into the hole (3 foot long, 1 foot wide, 3 foot deep - with only about the top 6 inches not already full of the shit of a whole platoon). Not spotting his log on top, Will panicked and went to check his trousers again. Now crapping whilst wearing webbing and holding a rifle aint easy. This spazz attack meant Will lost his footing and fell, arse first into the excrement and got stuck. Hearing our hilarity, our Directing Staff, a scary SAS sergeant, gave me and my chum the biggest bollocking we have ever had. Quote '...disgraceful misuse of her Majesties Property'. We then had to spend an hour taking turns to relay the turd-on-a-stick up and down the hill we were bivouaced on. Bugger.
(I am the infinite monkey!, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:21, Reply)

revenge
My brother used to stay on the Isle of Arran, one night his mate got off with one of the many tourists. Unfortunately, he had too much to drink, in the midst of making wild passionate sex with the young woman; he threw up all over her and went to sleep. Obviously, this did not go down too well with the charming girl, as you would expect. On awaking the following morning, my brother’s mate discovered a huge shit placed perfectly in the middle of his chest. Nice one…….
(jimbrickie, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:18, Reply)

Engaged
I remember my brothers engagement party a few years ago. He was getting engaged to a girl from a frightfully well-to-do family but despite their best efforts we managed to arrange the party for the local Irish Club.

All went well until he staggered into the ladies loo towards the end of the night (signs in Irish did not help), plopped himself down but alas no further plop!

Unfortunately he had one cheek of his arse on the wrong side of the seat and the other on some boxed-off pipework. Would not have been so bad if he hadn't wanted to show off his work to all and sundry. They never did get married.
(ravabelli, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:14, Reply)

Last one I promise
I used to do gardening p/t while a student. One 'gig' was cutting the grass in a little village Churchyard about 10 miles east of York. One fine day I way merrily cutting around the grave stones when I felt the urge. I held on as long as possible, but the turtle poked out his head, and it must've been Great A'Tuin himself. Luckily no-one was about so I found a convenient tree and relieved myself of the burden. As I looked around for a nice leaf, I noticed a farmer walking through the adjascent field, don't think he spotted me, but just in case, I gave the turd a nice burial.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:10, Reply)

I had a mate once
who had a boxer dog. then he and his girlfriend had a baby.

The dog somehow always managed to get in the bins and eat the nappies clean.
( pregnantfridge, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:09, Reply)

green shit.......
one time, after inhaling magical herbs, we made pancakes with food coloring in the batter.
Turned out i put too much green coloring in mine and i ended up with BRIGHT GREEN SHIT FOR A WEEK!
(dr_loz, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:01, Reply)

the Leeds log
If you'd done one like the one I did in a pub toilet on Leeds train station a few years ago, you wouldn't have flushed either.

After a weekend on Tetly's bitter and veggyburgers I'm proud to say I produced the heaviest one I've ever managed. After an almothty "thok" and a near-fainting experience, I turned round to be faced with a beast the size and shape of a rounders bat.

The mahogony monster stood out of the water steaming at the tip, and in a funny way it reminded me of Fidel Castro's cigar. After I'd wiped, my hand hovered at the handle as I prepared to send this giant off to a watery fate, and then I changed my mind. This was too good to flush - it had to be left for the next occupant to see.

If you were that person, I still can't apologise. I'm proud of it, and let's face it, once you'd got over the shock, it gave you a good story for your mates at the bar.
(cubesville, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:00, Reply)

Does this count?
This is a shit story with a bit of a difference.

I used to work in an office, part of a massive company, but our department was sort of autonomous - about 300 staff. The guy in charge of us all was called Frank and was a nice enough guy, but seldom even came up to our floor (3rd).

Anyway, one day a rare thing happened. He came to see me personally, as we'd had a fraud case where some punter had cashed a fraudulant cheque for £0.5m through a Belgian bank...anyhow, Frank came up to see me about it, and while I pulled up the relevant documents onto my screen, he pulled out the chair from the desk behind me to sit down.

"WHAT THE HELL!!!" he shouted as he jumped visibly in the air. I turned round and saw a realistic looking fake dog turd on the chair.

The team practical joker was leaving that day, and had left the 'present' for our supervisor, who happened to be away from her desk at the time. As the story spread round the whole floor causing much hilarity, I had to keep a straight face. Grace under pressure - you bet.

As Harry Hill would say, "What are the chances of that happening?"
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 7 May 2004, 16:00, Reply)

Filthy Dave
Filthy Dave was the sick kid in our class at school. He was always doing the disgusting stuff your mother warned you against. Filthy Dave started the school craze for crapping through letterboxes, and leaving a well-placed turd exactly where you least expected to find one. For example, on the rear pew of the local church during the school carol concert. Filthy Dave was a filthy, filthy boy.

One day, he found that by drinking enough blue ink (either from ink cartridges or straight from the bottle), he could do a blue poo, and laying a log on a piece of yellow paper nicked from the art class, he could do a passable example of the school badge in faeces.

So he did, varnished it, and handed the result in as part of a project in "three dimensional texture modelling" or similar. Mr Law was so impressed, he showed it to the Head, who had it hung in the school entrance hall, where I gather it remains to this day. I always knew our school was crap.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 7 May 2004, 15:55, Reply)

Essex gorilla
Couple of years ago walking round the corner to my flat, noticed an unsavoury whiff. Realised a second later what was the culprit, noticing a dark croissant-shaped object (straight croissant, not curled, but still the same shape otherwise), nestling in front of a neighbour's door, measuring about a massive foot and a half at least (the poo, not the door).

Frequently wondered about who /what had done it, maybe an escaped gorilla or if a human, he or she must have been caught short in agony!

About a year later a mate from work told me almost exactly the same story but said he stumbled across a turd of similar size and shape close to his place. Anyone else experienced such a phantom log of these proportions in the Essex area? U can't miss them, and they reek.
(dommo, Fri 7 May 2004, 15:49, Reply)

GIRLFREIND REVENGE
This happend a while ago.
My then girlfriend of two years decided while we were on holiday together in the south of france to run off with some other bloke.
she then tried and succeeded in sleeping with two of my neighbourghs at uni just to piss me off.
anyway i ended up getting rather drunk when i found this out so i put on the boxers she bought me for christmas, did a nice big poo in them and left them on her door step.
revenge is a dish best served luke warm and steaming!!!
(I've done it so many times it's boring now..., Fri 7 May 2004, 15:44, Reply)

No toilet in time
The scene, waiting at Santorini harbour while island hopping in Greece with mates, all with slightly dicky stomaches, when one mate said "Need the bog!" and ran off round the corner.

Five minutes later, he reappeared but completely soaked all the way up to his armpits. He said he didn't make it to the toilet in time, shat himself, so had to jump into the harbour to spare embarrassment / clean up. The locals, not realising he'd shat himself, just thought he was plain mad, especially when he nonchalantly got out as though his behaviour was completely normal.
( Prof. Piehead, Fri 7 May 2004, 15:21, Reply)

Crazy old lady poo.
My neighbor was a senile 80 year old woman. For about two years before her family decided to move her, she would take a poo anywhere she pleased. This included the planters on her porch, which she would throw in our lawn, grocery bags, also thrown in our lawn, and a few times she actually walked across the street and did her duty on the lawn, walking back to her house with her pants around her ankles. My father always retaliated with throwing the planters/bags filled with poo up onto her roof. If you complained to her about what she was doing she would tell you her husband (who had died about 19 years before) was a sheriff, and she'd "call the law" on us.
(fishiegopook, Fri 7 May 2004, 15:17, Reply)

blunderbuss arse
Many years ago I was camping in greece with my brothers at this beach side place. One day my eldest went to the communal shit tent to drop a log and the rest of us were playing cards on the beach. After a while, he came trotting back, shorts in hand with his t-shirt covering his privates. Apparently in mid shit his arse "exploded" sending poo everywhere like a blunderbus. He said it really hurt and when we went to see, there was shit everywhere. we re-assured him that he was lucky as he was a step away from internal combustion.
(aliospalio, Fri 7 May 2004, 15:14, Reply)

KFC capers
a mate of mine used to work in KFC under the watchful eye of cournel sanders.
anyway he one day he was happily serveing up orders of fryed chicken to the punters when one family comes up complaining thier seating area smelt like shit and that this was not acceptable in a fast food joint. he reported this to the manager who demanded him to investigate, being underpaid and overworked he politely told her "fuck off im not a cleaner"
upon being threatend with loss of job he grabbed the nearest co-worker and set off to hunt down the illustrios oder.
what they found that fateful day i cringe to repeat, in the corner under a table was a drinks cup, a large one noless, and inside the cup was a veritible cocktail of shit and coca-cola. thats right some filthy person or persons had shat into a cup and concealed it under a table. needless to say they were shocked but after disposeing of it they were sent straight back to work. i would of demanded the rest of the day off for something so traumatiseing!
(Mattio, Fri 7 May 2004, 15:13, Reply)

Shitty Kids
As a class of 8/9 year olds we were taken on a school trip. Now most schools take you to the zoo, a museum, or perhaps an art gallery. Not our lot though...off we all go to the local sewage farm. Much nose holding, yueching! pretending to be sick etc., ensued for the next hour or so as we were treated to the sights and smells of copius amounts of waste from the good people of Aberdeen. At one point in the day, we were shown a huge vat of what was reported to be "cleaned shite". Unperturbed by the fact that it was still shitey brown and shitey textured, handfulls were gathered and secreted in anorak pockets, hoods and bags. "Shite Fight!!" was the cry, two minutes into the return bus jorney, as everyone hurled their prized shite around the bus. My, how the teachers laughed.
(Chillumm, Fri 7 May 2004, 15:06, Reply)

Cat's are clean my arse...
About six months ago I got made redundant, and moved into my girlfriend's temporarily in order to live cheap whilst looking for a new job. This was made slightly awkward due to the fact that I own a cat (a twitchy neurotic little fucker called "Baggy"), and my girlfriend owned two. In order to introduce him to the other two gradually, we kept him shut up in the spare room, from which he escaped one day via a daring leap from the upstairs window.

The search for Baggy is a story unto itself (involving daring treks from one side of town to the other and back, and a cast including most of the stars from "The Aristocats"). But come back he did, about a week later. After a brief period of fuss, we fed him up (he was ravenous) and sat with him to settle him a bit. Now, because he was shut in the spare room, we'd had to rig up a litter tray for him, as he couldn't get out (at least, that was the idea - grr...). Straight after eating several times hiw own body weight, his stomach rumbled and he trotted off to the litter tray to shit.

Trouble was, in the absence of humans to feed him, and because he's an incredibly inept predator, he'd had pretty much nothing to eat for a week except grass. And cats can't digest grass. So as he squatted over the litter tray, what should emerge from his arse but a thick, tangled rope woven from shit, grass and digestive juices. That's not the worst bit - the worst bit is that he only got it halfway out, then got stuck. So he was trailing this shit-rope around behind him, scared and confused by this smelly extra tail he'd grown. So I had to grab him, grip him firmly and then (using wads of paper towels as impromptu gloves/forceps) pull the shit-rope out of him. He didn't like this, no sirree. He didn't like this one bit. There was yowling, and squirming, and the absolute worst bit was that I could feel the instant at which my cat let go of it - the instant he gave up and stopped clamping his feline sphincter against this unwarranted anal attack.

Poor little bastard. I'm sorry, Baggy, but you stank.
(kithkill, Fri 7 May 2004, 15:01, Reply)

Poo Boy
This kid I used to go school with was very weird and I've only just realised his strange poo obsession:

First he got caught doing poo graffiti in primary school toilets, then he got caught aged 14 shagging a really old pile of horse poo. Really this is true.
(rodeopig, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:53, Reply)

Spoon
A friend once confessed to doing a huge pooh that wouldn't flush, no matter how many times he tried... until he cut it in half with a spoon. I've never eaten at his house since.
(w, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:51, Reply)

I refuse to accept that I performed a sleep-shit
Woo, my first opportunity to contribute to Question of the week!

When I was 7 years old I woke up one school morning, as I walked the 10ft accross my bedroom I was rewarded with a soft, squidgey, not particularly unpleasant substance under foot and up through my toes kinda like a Play-Doh Fun Factory. To my horror a big shit on my floor. My first reaction was to flip out and shouted my mum complaining that "the stupid dog" had crapped on my floor only to be told we didn't have a dog anymore.

To this day I refuse to accept that I performed a sleep-shit and then was unlucky enough to stand in it!
(rikwakefield, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:51, Reply)

A major follow through
Once I was at a mates house and had just had a Mcdonalds. I was on the phone and felt a fart coming on so I squeezed and it wasn't a fart at all and in the end the only clean under wear my mate had spare was a male thong. So I had to walk all the way home in a thong!!
(cowanh00, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:30, Reply)

Water (?) feature
Ooooh first response to a question of the week... sorry for length...
Used to work in a terrible 70's semi-skyscraper just opposite the Houses of Parliament (Westminster Tower, crap building fans). It was notorious for faults and things breaking down, but the piece de resistance occurred one sunny day in 2001.
The kind ladies of the 4th floor, having been warned many times, finally succeeded in flushing enough sanitary wares down the 4th floor bogs to block them completely. The resulting failure was catastrophic - 13 floor building and terrible plumbing, so somehow 8 floors' worth of backed-up piss and shit exploded forth from the cubicals.
First warning on the 1st floor was the increasingly appalling smell, followed by the cry of disgust of the first person to open the stairwell door.
The stairs were a yellow-tinged waterfall, with frequent turds, tampons and other loo detritus plopping their merry way down. The stair treads were also open, so a continuous piss/shit shower was in effect as well.
Management sent us all home because of the 'health hazard', but sadly the lifts had been switched off because of the wetness, so the only way out was by playing turd hopscotch down the stairs while piss, shit and tampons dropped on our heads.
Never believe anyone that says it's bad luck to open an umbrella indoors.
(testmeuk, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:24, Reply)