Christ, I have a few...
1)Q.What has four legs and goes "WUFF!"
A. Piper Alpha.

2)Q. Whats worse than having Michael Jackson looking after your kids?
A. Ian Huntly giving them a bath.

3)Q. What do blind, deaf and dumb people get for Christmas?
A. Cancer

4)Q Whats 13 inches long and is guaranteed to keep a woman screaming all through the night?
A. Cot-death


Well... I have booked my oneway ticket to hell
(Mr. Roboto, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 18:03, Reply)

oooh, an original one
Q. what do you call a coccoon?


A. a n-nigger
(Obi Wan Jonobi, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 18:01, Reply)

Whats the difference between hitler
and paula radcliffe?

At least hitler tried to finish a race.
( Gaz, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:58, Reply)

one way ticket to hull please
what's red and sticky and climbs up your leg?

a homesick abortion
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:55, Reply)

m
How long does it take a mackem to have a sh*t?
9 months
(www.nufc.com, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:53, Reply)

ggg
Two pedo's sat on the beach. One says to the other "get out me sun!".
(www.nufc.com, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:50, Reply)

Foot in mouth plus some Brucie Bonuses.
ME: (in jest) Kids nowadays have no respect, when I've got kids there'll be five across the eyes if they step out of line.
HER: You should never have kids.
ME: C'mon though, seriously, how else are you going to keep them quiet during Countdown?
HER: Really, never have kids.
ME: Jesus, you really love 'em don't you?
HER: My mum used to beat me.

*cue tumbleweed*



Whats black and blue and full of protien?
A rape victim.



Overheard by a farmer at the pub I work at; not that sick, just brilliant.
A:You wouldn't shag her though?
B: Aye, you don't look at the mantlepiece when you're poking the fire.



A mates boss (old woman:) Hey Tom, you know why black kids have them big lips don't you? So there mothers can leave them stuck to the window while they're shopping.



What do you call 1 paki on the moon? Problem
What do you call 100 pakis on the moon? Problem
What do you call 1000 pakis on the moon? Problem
What do you call all the pakis on the moon? Problem solved.



(to be said outloud)
Whats the best thing about fucking 21 year olds?
There's 20 of them.


Whats the first thing you do after having a baby?
You put its nappy back on.


What happens when you have sex with a virgin?
Your banjo string snaps. Apparently.

SEE YOU IN HELL MY FRIENDS
(Daveh, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:41, Reply)

An oldy but a bloody oops errm i mean goody
A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense 12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.

Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy .

Suddenly the nurse throws the baby on the floor, kicks it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times and throws it against the wall.

The woman watches with a look of horro on her face, gives out a loud scream and yells "MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ?"

The Nurse chuckles a little to herself. 'April Fools', she says, 'He was already dead'.
(noodledoodle really shouldn't share his humour, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:40, Reply)

gotta love dead babies....
Q: How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
A: With a blender.
Q: How do you get them out again?
A: With tortilla chips.
(airplay71 ~eraserfreak~, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:39, Reply)

My fave
Q:What's the best thing about kinky sex?


A:Wiping the blood off the hammer.
(popey, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:31, Reply)

Sorry.
There was a black out in the street yesterday. Luckily the police arrested him before he did anything.

A Scottish man, a French man and a Japanese man are sent to a remote island by scientists to see how they survive.
The French man says "I will prepare dinner!". The Scottish man says "I'll chop firewood!". The Japanese man sits there looking confused so the men ask him to go into the forest and get supplies.
A year passes and the scientists come to the island to pick the men up. The Scottish man and the French man are there but the Japanese man is nowhere to be seen. The men say that the Japanese man disappeared in the forest and the scientists send out a search party.
The search party wonder into the forest. Suddenly the Japanese man leaps out of the bushes stark naked with a huge grin on his face and yells "SUPPLIES!".
(Blue Phoenix, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:27, Reply)

A man gets a bionic arm
the doctors tell him that anything he wants it to do, just say so. He is hesitant to use it at first, but one day in the bathroom, his good hand is full of papers, so after pissing, he says "Shake off my penis". The hand does so.
"Oh, that felt kind of good. Do it harder" and the and does it harder. "Oh what the heck, jerk it off," and the hand rips off his penis. Angry at his own stupidity, he yells "Oh, fuck me," and the hand shoves his penis up his anus. In a state of disbelief, he yells "Look at that shit" so the hand pulls his penis back out and shoves it in his eye.
The end.
( Or is it?, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:23, Reply)

World's Sickest Joke
A murdering paedo nonce and a 6 year old child are going into some dark woods together. The boy says "I'm afraid of going in the woods in the dark"
Nonce says, "how do you think I'll feel, coming back out of the woods all alone?"
(breadandbutter, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:19, Reply)

Woman is in hospital giving birth...
...the baby comes out and the doc says, "I've got good news and bad news for you"

woman says, "give me the bad news first"

doc says, "your baby is stillborn"

woman, "oh my god, what on earth is the good news?!"

doc says, "it was ginger"
(slink, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:19, Reply)

Man goes to the doctors..
Doctor says, "I'm afraid i have two lots of bad news for you. First, I'm afraid you have terminal cancer."

Man says, "Oh my god, that's terrible I'm going to die aren't I, what's the other bad news?"

Doc replies, "Well you also have Alzheimers disease."

"Oh", says the man, "well it could be worse, at least I don't have cancer."
(slink, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:15, Reply)

sickest joke i know
How do you make a gay man have sex with a woman?

Sh*t in her c*nt.

one of many from my repetoire that one!
(donald_semblance, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:10, Reply)

How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of icecream. One scoop of dead baby.
(slink, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:10, Reply)

Q: How do you crucify a spastic?
A: On a Swastika

..sorry
( techierob, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:10, Reply)

heres one
how do you make an ethiopian run into a telephone box?

Throw a tin of beans in

How do u make him come out again?

Run past with a can opener

Also

How do you confuse an ethiopian?

put him in a circular room and tell him dinner is in the corner

Really really sorry for using these
(newcustomerserviceteam, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:00, Reply)

something new...i think
An old duffer takes his clearly ill wife to the doctors to try and find out what's wrong with her. After a lengthy examination the doctor takes the old boy to one side and in hushed tones explains the situation.
"Well Mr Jones, we've narrowed it down to two possibilities, I'm afraid your wife either has AIDS or Alzeimers."
"My God" says Mr Jones, is there any way I can be sure which it is"
"Of course. Take her for a long drive into the country and bundle her out of the door. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her"
(monkdewallydehonk, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:52, Reply)

What's 12 inches long and makes women scream?
Cotdeath

really, really sorry.
(Joons, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:51, Reply)

What has the Herald of Free Enterprise got in common with a prostitute?
They both lie on their side, flaps open, full of dead seamen.

(Going back a bit, i know....)
(smerv, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:49, Reply)

What's the difference between Jill Dando and Daz Ultra....
Only one of them survived the doorstep Challenge!
( Sheep in Socks it is illegal to take a lion to the cinema., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:47, Reply)

What do you say to a Serbian prostitute?
Slobberdownmycockyoubitch!
(fatcatpat, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:35, Reply)

More of a chat-up line....
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....as long as you are still a little warm
when I fuck you up your arse.
( Clairebare Back once again with the Ill behaviour, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:28, Reply)

How do you know when your Sister has her period?
Your Dad's dick tastes of Shit.

edit - d'oh! read it 5 times now! sorry!
(darth_sane, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:27, Reply)

Not really a joke
more me putting my foot in it...

saw a bus go past with a "Domestic Violence Hurts" slogan on it... for some reason decided to say "Bloody right domestic violence hurts, my fists haven't stopped aching" in front of a few strangers at the bus stop. Cue tumbleweed rolling past and cold stares...
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:26, Reply)

what's worse than putting one oyster up your gran's vagina and sucking out three?
fisting her and finding your dad's wrist-watch
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:26, Reply)

jokey
what have marriage and bigamy got in common?

one too many wives.

Why do women wear perfume and make up?

because their ugly and they smell.

Q.how many surrealists does it take to paint a left handed pomegranite?

A.doritos.but only on a bycyle.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:24, Reply)