A few stories
I've had family members to all sorts of weird things in their sleep, the two that stick out the most were my father and my youngest cousin.

My father, on more than one occasion, has had conversations lasting longer than a half hour over the phone. Mostly with one of my Uncles.

Two cousins and myself camped out once in my grandma's driveway (and what a shitty night that was), myself and the older cousin and I were talking when the younger cousin suddenly sat up, yelled 'can of pork and beans', and laid back down.

As for myself, when I camp out with one of my friends, we often end up on opposite sides of the tent with bruises. While sleeping, we beat the shit out of each other.

And I just moved into my dorm this week. I've already woken up in the bathtub in my floor's bathroom. Without my keys, effectively locking myself out until I could get a spare key.
(NnyF, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 21:50, Reply)

Night-time Weirdness...
My fella likes to shout abuse at his workmates in his sleep.
Very loudly.
Right down my ear.
It's hard enough for me to get to sleep at the moment, being heavily pregnant, but I can guarantee as soon as I drop off..."What the FUCK did you just call me?"
He also likes to blow kisses and says "I love you" a lot.
I also think this may be directed at his workmates.


An ex of mine used to sit up and scream in his sleep, usually followed with him punching me in the back of the head.
That relationship didn't last long.

My sister used to go into my Mum's room all the time and engage her in conversation:

Sis: Mum! Quick! Get up - you're lying on my chocolate biscuit!!
Mum: (who's just been woken up) Sorry! (before starting to look for imaginary biscuit)

Sis: Have you seen Dad's curlers?
Mum: What?
Sis: Dad keeps curlers in his wardrobe.
Mum: ...what colour are they?


Cousin in Australia used to leave the house in her sleep. Usually only to the bottom of the garden.
Until one morning her parents went downstairs to find the front door open - on checking her room they found she wasn't there.
They searched the streets around the area for a bit before calling the Police.
She arrived home not long after, in a Police car.
They'd found her on top of a Post Box, completely naked, a couple of miles from her house!
(Holly Looloo Does Not Love You, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 21:22, Reply)

Not so much asleep as half-asleep
I hired a van last weekend to help a mate move house. The hire place was shut by the time we finished, but I knew I could return it before 9:30 the next morning so that was ok.
Woke up at 9am. "Oh dear", I thought (or something ver similar) "I'd better get a move on." Grabbed my bike because I thought I'd cycle back along the cycle path I use to get to work, which runs past the van hire place. Grabbed my wallet, phone and the van keys, and headed outside.

I was horsing on a bit along the road, nearly at the hire place now, but with this little bit at the back of my mind going "hang on Gordon, something's wrong here, you've forgotten something..." Yes, I had indeed.

I'd forgotten the bloody van.

Length? About 45 minutes.
(gordonjcp, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 21:15, Reply)

It was a rat the size of.....a foot
This QOTW just reminded me of something I'd completely forgotten:
A few years ago I woke up in the middle of the night in an absolute heart-stopping terror. I was convinced that a large rat - probably rabid - had got under the covers and was about to bite my foot.

So I grabbed it through the sheets, really, really forcefully. I didn't want it moving an inch either towards me or to try to escape and come back for me later. I think I had it pinned there for a few minutes while I tried to see if I could reach something solid to whack it with. Perfectly reasonable to me.

Fortunately for the rat there was nothing even remotely close to thump it with. And after several minutes (minutes!) of trying instead to choke it to death it finally dawned on me that the foot-long object I had in a death grip wasn't a rat at all.

It was my own foot.

I can't believe it took as long as it did to figure it out, or how I didn't feel any pain in my foot at all at the time. Although I suspect I might have figured it out more quickly if there had been a golf club handily next to the bed.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 21:11, Reply)

A conversation between my mother and my nine-year-old self at three in the morning.
M: Ferret, what are you doing?
RF: The ghosts.
M: What?
RF: The ghosts. Help me get them on the train.
M: Go to bed.
RF: I don't want them here and they can't find the train.

I was dreaming that the souls of the dead were wandering around our house in business suits, waiting for the train to arrive in the basement that would take them to the afterlife. I was chasing after them all over the house, trying to corral the briefcase-wielding wraiths onto the platform so they'd leave the house. Apparently I had actually been walking up and down the stairs mumbling for twenty minutes.
(RandomFerret, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 20:58, Reply)

Sunstroke side-effects?
When I was about 12, I was out walking on a really hot summer's day. I must have gotten sunstroke, because I started to black out as I was walking. My field of vision just got narrower and narrower, and eventually I had to look straight down at my feet to make sure I wasn't walking out into traffic. Not really sure how I even made it home, really. As soon as I got home, I lay down on the couch and was instantly asleep/comatose. When my mother got home, she found me asleep, tried to wake me, and gave up. Finally, around 9 p.m. she saw me get up, and I came into the kitchen and started to rummage through the fridge. I got a drink, and it looked like I was looking for something to eat. She asked if I was okay, and if I wanted some dinner. I said I was hungry, and after a bit of a conversation, we decided on a meal and she started cooking. I went off, she assumed to the washroom or my bedroom. Once dinner was done, she came looking for me, and found me fast asleep in bed. When she mentioned it the next day, I had no recollection of any of it: the last thing I could remember was collapsing on the couch.

I used to sleepwalk all the time when I was much younger, but that was fairly standard stuff: prowling the halls of our house, mainly. My dad always maintained it was creepy, though, to turn around and see me standing there staring at him in the middle of the night. I can see his point, really.

Lastly, I used to have a boyfriend who would violently punch the pillow while he was sleeping. Hard. On a couple of occasions, he almost punched me in the head. Nice way to be woken up. But he was, and still remains, a cnut of the highest order.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 20:55, Reply)

Sleepwalking AND Night Terrors!
Why is it most tales of sleepwalking involve having a piddle? Oh well...

1. Young Lad, about 6 or 7. Suffers terribly with sleepwalking and night terrors. Young Lad gets up in search of loo. Can't find loo. Finds Sister's bedroom. Flicks back Sister's duvet, whips out prawn and proceeds to lash Sister with steaming hot piss.

Sister wakes up screaming. Young Lad starts screaming, seemed the polite thing to do. Mother and Father come into room, screaming. Neighbours screaming. Young lad put back to bed once relieved. Didn't at all wake up, doesn't remember a thing.

2. Young lad, still about 6 or 7. Mother and Father out for the evening. Hire young teenage girl Babysitter. Neglect to mention Young Lad's fondness for sleepwalking. Young Lad gets up in search of loo. Finds Babysitter in living room. Babysitter asks what's wrong.

Young Lad whips out prawn and pisses in her lap. Babysitter screams and runs off, leaving children alone for several hours. Mother and Father bollock Babysitter, refuse to pay. Result.

Variations on the theme include pissing off the 4th floor balcony at people, in the washing machine, airing cupboard, and having a poo in the kitchen.

3. Young Lad and family visiting elderly Grandparent. Young Lad feels ill, has lay down. Hours later, Young Lad bursts from bedroom, shrieking his head off, running up and down a short stretch of hallway, pissing and shitting his pants, screaming his hands are shrinking, in front of his extended family having dinner.

Calmed down several minutes later with lemonade.

4. Many years later, Young Lad known for witty conversation whilst asleep.

YL: It's all authentic.
EX: What is?
YL: You know, the stairs and that.
EX: What??
YL: Oh, don't mind me, I'm asleep and talking bollocks again. [snores]

YL: Can I borrow your EastEnders videos?

YL: [mumbling and fidgiting]
EX: You alright?
YL: Yes, I'm fine, I was dreaming about fucking your mum.

Apologies for length, Ex's mum.
(TheInfamousMrD, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 20:49, Reply)

Conversations
Conversations in your sleep are weird.

I wake my girlfriend up constantly with weird sentences, and she USED to ask me if I was dreaming.

I'd deny this vigourously.

Now she asks me where I am. Cunning.
Apparently this makes me have to think about stuff, and it amuses her greatly watching me trying to answer as the effort of thinking makes me realise I'm dreaming.

It's a very strange sensation to wake up into a conversation that you're half way through, having no real idea what you're talking about.

It's also fun to use a voice-activated dictaphone so you can find out what madness you've been driveling all night.
(inflateable, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 20:39, Reply)

Ex-Mrs Kite
When we were married she once blanked me for about 3 days (possibly the happiest period of our marriage). When she finally talked told me why, it was because we had had a blazing row. Except we hadnt, it was a dream.

Silly bitch
(kitescreech still here, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 20:39, Reply)

my fiance often has
odd nights, once she woke up got out of bed shimmyed along the wall to the light switch, all the while telling me there was a 'white spider on the bed', she has also done this but said there was someone crucified above the bed.
(viewtiful-si is listening to gary numan, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 20:35, Reply)

I have to share my dreams
I only have my gf's word on the first part of this, but apparently I have the habit of sitting upright in bed, turning to her and shaking her awake while urgently saying her name.

She eventually wakes up and yells 'FFS, WHAT?' which then wakes me up, wondering why she just woke ME up...

She thinks it's endearing at the moment, but I know the novelty is going to wear off..
At least I get her name right, it'll be bad if one night I get it wrong.

I also laugh a lot in my sleep, occasionally sing, and in one episode that ended when she woke me up with her laughing I was flying a spitfire, complete with sound effects, using the curtain draped over the bed as a control column.
(inflateable, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 20:33, Reply)

More talking than walking
Whilst staying in Belgium some years ago on a school trip, I was sharing a room with my friend George. It was only for a couple of nights, but in that time I was treated to a cavalcade of increasing amusing non-sequiturs. The first time it happened, he sat up, and I, thinking he was awake, quite naturally said hello and asked if he was having trouble sleeping too.

His reply is etched forever on my memory.

'Good God, look at those boobs!'

'What boobs, George, I can't see any?'

'Emily Wilson's here!'

She, alas, was not there, and neither was her admittedly spectacular chest, but before I could ask him what right he had to raise and dash my hopes so, he had lain back down and silence once more descended.

On the last night, at about five in the morning, I was awoken by George what I can only describe as hooting gently to himself. After a short while he stopped, and I turned over to go back to sleep, only for him to snuffle loudly and declaim, at high volume:

'FUCKING FEET!'

Well, quite.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 20:30, Reply)

The Best Car I Ever Had...
.. was a 1986 Porsche 911 carrera 2 with turbo bodykit.
Lovely porsche cup alloys as well. I had that from 2000 to 2003.
The airconditioning was about as effective as an athsmatic ant with some heavy shopping, but it made a brilliant noise when you put your foot down....

.... zzzzwha???? Sorry, I must've been sleep typing.
(LunarJim, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 20:23, Reply)

Oh yes
I'm not sure if this counts, but I fell asleep on a bus in Thailand, and punched the old lady sitting beside me hard in the tits.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 19:55, Reply)

My ex-fiance was a VERY heavy sleeper....
...I would frequently call him while he was asleep and have conversations with him, spanning anywhere from a few minutes to half an hour, that he would never remember. One of my favorites involved me asking him how he was, and him responding, "Oh, I'm fine, just getting used to keeping Lois in the prison cell." I did a "Wait, what?" sort of thing, and he tells me smugly, "Oh, never mind, you weren't supposed to hear that."

The first night we had ever slept in the same room was at a friend's townhouse on her futon, aged about 18. In the middle of the night I am woken up by ex-fiance intoning, very seriously and dramatically, "Thus the soldier carried the building materials up the stairs." That morning I woke up before him and was watching television, when he sits up, reaches for me, and mumbles something I can't hear. I ask him to repeat himself, and he says, "I need a new Mac OSX for my computer and a new..." before trailing off, his eyes gradually closing and falling back onto the futon. He didn't remember any of this later that afternoon.

My own story actually involves sleepWALKING, which I shall post here in a bit.
(NuclearMosquito, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 19:23, Reply)

Goaaaaal!
A friend told me he'd dreamt he was playing in the football world cup, and taking a massive kick for a goal, kicked his girlfriend clean out of bed. Red card methinks.
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 18:56, Reply)

yah
I've done this a few times, after drinking too much and not knowing where I am.

One of the worst was when I went missing in the middle of the night after a wedding, and my girlfriend eventually found me outside, stark bollock naked, whistling and taking a slash on the croquet lawn.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 18:44, Reply)

sleepwalking
not much of a story really, except that i managed to wazz clear down the stairs.
#
oh and i woke up in the woods near my house once, naked and rather confused as to why an old man was telling me to move on young laddy.
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 18:25, Reply)

One drunken night I'd had a bit a joke-argument with my then-girlfriend before falling asleep.
The following morning she was going on and on and on and on about how the stuff I'd said to her the night before was was bang out of order and very frightening. I racked my brains and couldn't remember anything that fitted that description. She insisted she was right. I kept asking her for examples and she refused to give me any, saying that what I'd said couldn't be repeated. She was very upset. I was worried, because I didn't want to scare or upset her, and I really hadn't thought I was drunk enough to black anything out. Eventually, after half an hour or so she mentioned that I'd been talking in my sleep, and she assumed that I was aware of this fact.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 18:23, Reply)

Sleep typing
A few times, talking/typing with friends in other time zones I've been so tired I'd just slowly drift off mid sentence, with surreal results.
One time I mentioned (during one friends particularly heartfelt message about how shit her mother treats her) that "if you're taking her dog for a walk on the moon, you'd better have it on a lead." weird but factualy accurate.
Most times I'd be quite knackered after a day out, and back at a friends house, fall asleep for a split second and wake up with odd words like "RADISH!" or "BOVRIL!!" which disturbs him quite a great deal.
(Suddenly, zebras Safe and sound for eternity, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 18:21, Reply)

Well let me see...not all sleepwalking but...
In my 29 years I have...

1, Woken my mother up with my shouted conversation across our landing, from my bed, to my brother's room... he was replying and answering me but all we were doing was shouting totally unintelligible words and then both stopped. My mother remembers it vividly, but neither my brother nor I remember anything at all.!

2, I also have been dreaming strongly enough to shout to an ex "what's the name of the cow.?" whilst she sat listening in fits of hysterics. When I am dozing off to sleep she would often engage me in a conversation because she KNEW it would make me say stupid things.

3, Another ex (see the farting QOTW) who woke up herself through an oversized guff one night and then woke ME up with another the next.!)

4, My brother managed to wander down our stairs, Boglin on hand (little 1990s rubber toy), sit on our sofa and stare into space whilst my parents sat there not knowing what the bloody hell was going on.!
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 18:20, Reply)

Sleep talking blame.
"OI" my wife shouted at me when I wrapped the duvet around me in my sleep leaving her with nothing.

"It wasn't me" I said "It was Jason Bourne".
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 18:08, Reply)

Naked man love
Bless my husband and his sleepy comedy antics. He generally tends to stick to talking in his sleep - examples include:

Sleeping Husband: Bodie and Doyle.
Awake Me: Who are Bodie and Doyle?
Him: The Professionals.
Me: Why are you talking about the Professionals?
Him: Well you bought up TV Detectives (turns over in a strop)

Sleeping Husband: I'm going for a 70s wee.
Awake Me: What's a 70s wee?
Him: A wee with flares on.

But I digress. This is about sleepwalking.

One night, he and I had been out drinking and clubbing with my brother. Somehow we'd ended up in an altercation with bunch of idiots (obviously any offence could not possible have been caused by us!?) and my brother had taken a pasting. We waited for a cab, my brother bleeding and passing out periodically, got home (to the house my bro and I shared at the time), and I (being the most mum-like out of the three of us) bathed his face wounds and put him to bed. As husband and I turned in, I suggested that, should hubby get up in the night for a piss or whatever, he should check on bro, make sure he hadn't choked on his own vomit or something. I was apparently taken at my word.

I was awoken later in the night by a furious brother insisting that I come and retrieve my man - apparently my still sleeping husband had gone in to check on him, and just to make sure all was well, had popped into bed next to him. Stark bollock naked. I was assured that no "rubbing" had taken place.

Click "I like this" if I should be asking more difficult questions of both of them...
(Vernie, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 17:55, Reply)

A cunning linguist
My mother speaks seven languages fluently and used to chunter away in them around the house (she talks to herself). As a little kid, I accepted this as normal, but never learned any of the languages myself (except English, vaguely).

However. One night when I was about three, my mother came into my room to see if I was asleep. I was, so she was leaving, when I started talking to her. In my sleep. In Latin. We had a half-hour long conversation in Latin, in which I displayed perfect grammatical skills and a wide Latin vocabulary. The next day she woke me up, buzzing with excitement, and chattering away in Latin, none of which I understood. When she tried to remind me of our conversation, I looked at her blankly.

Since then, I have never spoken Latin again, sleeping or not. But somewhere I HAVE THE SKILL.
(howcomehoney, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 17:52, Reply)

I walk and talk in my sleep
and have done since I had concussion as a toddler.

One of the best stories (which possibly could have been posted last week) happened when I was about five and was allowed bubblegum for the first time.

How excited I was when I was given permission to try the treat that was sellotaped to the front of The Dandy. My pleasure wasn't even spoilt by my anxious mother repeatedly asking as I chomped away whether I had swallowed it or not. These warnings must have had some effect however.

Much later that night, long after the gum had been discarded, I sat up in bed and shouted in tones of agony "I've swallowed my bubblegum." My sister leapt out of bed, ran into my parents' room and announced "Innogen's swallowed her... bubblegum." All three trooped into my bedroom to find me sound asleep and I couldn't remember a thing about it the next morning.

Less exciting were the nights I marched back and forward to bathroom repeatedly flushing the toilet.
(Innogen, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 17:46, Reply)

My brother
Was an habitual sleepwalker.

One evening when we were kids my mother had some friends around for dinner. We had been shipped off to bed early.

Halfway through the evening my brother (about 12 at the time) wandered downstairs bollock naked and went into the room where my mum and her guests were having dinner.

He the muttered something about 'Getting away from the spiders' before proceeding to try and climb up the dining room wall.

While my mother was pretty cool about it her friends found it fairly amusing and still rib my highly embarrased brother about it!
(Hardin, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 17:29, Reply)

Broke the phone
My mate Dave was trying to get through to his mate Cha on the phone but there was no answer. He tried this for a couple of days before deciding to nip round there to check everything was ok.

Turns out Cha had got up in the middle of the night for a piss and had pissed all over the phone (on a wee stand in the hallway), ruining it.
(oobster, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 17:17, Reply)

Sleep smoking
Ever woken up with the strange and disturbing fragrance of scorched pillow and burnt hair filling your nostrils?

Ever thought you were dreaming about the bed being on fire, only to discover that you weren't dreaming?

If not, then you haven't experienced the wacky wonderful world of sleep smoking.

I used to spend time with a delightful woman who was excellent in many ways. It was just the "setting fire to the bed" bit that was a touch of a problem. One minute I'd be drifting off into a pleasant post-coital snooze; the next, the pillow would be in flames around my face.

"Hide the cigarettes." That's what she used to tell me before we went to sleep. Hide them, but where? On a tall shelf? In the bathroom? It didn't even matter. There'd be times when she lay there blissfully slumbering while trying to spark up an invisible ciggie.

Happy days, those. Would I wake up on fire or just be zipped up into a body bag? Would she manage to set fire to the duvet or the pillow? Or just singe most of her eyebrows off again? See, you have to have a little bit of variety in life.
(budddwyer This thing will hurt someone, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 17:15, Reply)

Well, when the big hand is at....




Many years ago, when I was on the dole I lived in a big old house full of my fellow work-dodgers. We used to stay up all night watching videos and smoking dope for want of anything better to do.

I woke up one day and suddenly realised I had only thirty minutes to get to the dole office to sign on for that week before it closed for the day. "Fuck it!" I thought "We must have all slept through the entire morning and afternoon". At the time, you signed a piece of paper at one hatch and then took it to another where your weekly allowance would be paid into your hot little hand. So, no signing, equals no money equals no rent, no food, no beer, no dope, no videos for the week equals eeeek!

I ran from room to room, dragging my housemates out of bed to tell them the dire news. Two got up immediately and got dressed, the other two stayed put and told me to fuck off. "You'll be sorry losers!" I shouted as I opened the front door and bolted down the street. It was then that I noticed I was still wearing a pair of tartan slippers but decided I hadn't time to get changed and carried on. I also noticed that, for a midweek afternoon, the streets were rather quiet but I was too worried about making the dole office.

It was about then that one of my housemates asked me if we'd make it in time. "I dunno" says I, peering at my watch "Look, it's already quarter to.... seven.... in the morning..... err......."

They took it in good grace really as I'd tried to make sure they didn't miss their signing on time. The funniest bit is, as we headed back home, we met one of the 'stay behinds' who'd had second thoughts and made a run for it as well.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 16:58, Reply)

My leg can't breathe
One night, my mum woke up to some loud noises coming from my bedroom. She went to see what was going on to find me rummaging in my wardrobe. Upon asking me what the hell I was looking for in my sleepy state, I declared that I was looking for my asthma inhaler so I could rub it on my leg.
(Dracia flailed on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 16:52, Reply)