hmmm
I ain't a sleep walker but as i'm a wanker all day long i guess that status does not leave me at night so i guess that makes me a sleep wanker *nods sage-ly*
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 16:51, Reply)

The wrong bed, the wrong girl.......
My wife (then girlfriend), is a slim girl. She works with another girl who is, shall we say, Rubenesque. Quite, quite gorgeous, but definitely a LONG way on the curvy side. Anyhow, this individual, who we shall call Jo, invited Mrs Sammy and I on a night out. She was housesitting for a gay couple she knew, so we met her at their house, had quite a few drinks there, got another friend locked in the toilet, and had to get her out through the window, and went out. You can already tell how the evening was going to go.

So, we go to a couple of dodgy pubs, and then she proposes that we go to a gay club. I have no objection to this, and since the other friend on the night out is a lesbian, it's sort of kosher, so off we go. The story of that night is worth the telling on its own, but that's for another quote of the week. Suffice to say that we drank a lot more, and I sang a medley of Grease duets onstage with a transvestite singer, and got propositioned a lot as a result.

Anyway, we all stagger back to where Jo is staying, and she proposes that we just stay over. We all get to bed, but in the middle of the night, I need to pee. I'm naked, but I think what the hell, it's 4 in the morning, nobodies going to see me, and if they do, never mind. So I head off, lose quite a lot of liquid and then make my way back. Returning to the bedroom, I should have been clued in by the fact that I can't find the bedside table, but, undeterred, I pop my glasses on the floor, and find my way into bed, cuddling up and spooning Mrs Sammy. At which point, Mrs Sammy says, in Jo's voice "Are you alright? What are you doing?". Credit where it's due, if a friends boyfriend gets in bed naked with you and cuddles up, you're being pretty cool if that's your response. You have to wonder that I didn't notice that Mrs Sammy was literally twice the size, and had grown breasts 9 times larger, but I hadn't, so I leapt out of the bed that I was in with Jo and her friend, saying "Don't worry, go back to sleep", completely confused, and hunted around for my glasses. I thought Jo was still asleep, but unbeknownst to me, she and her friend were watching my bare white arse as I fumbled around on the floor. Jo thought I was trying to weigh myself, her friend thought I was hiding. I left the room, clinging to the hope that they were still asleep, and thinking maybe I could just pretend nothing happened!

In the event, however, I decided it was better to own up. How questionable would it be if Mrs Sammy heard about this in the morning, and I had said nothing? So, I got into bed and said "I think I might just have got in bed with Jo.....". Mrs Sammy, to her eternal credit, just said "Never mind, just go to sleep", at which point I heard peels of laughter from the other room. Evidently they hadn't been asleep......
(Sammyhaswoefullyneglectedyou, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 16:46, Reply)

I've never indulged myself



My 9 yo nephew though is a master of the sleepwalking craft.


A few months ago, my brother was downstairs, watching tv. He heard Fanta's Nephew (FN) open his bedroom door and then the sound of running feet across the landing. After a minute or so, he heard the feet run back again, into FN's bedroom and the door closing. My brother went to bed, took off his socks and went to drop them in the linen basket, Squelch. Eh? He lifted the lid of the basket to the contents looking rather damp. Instead of heading straight on to the bathroom, FN had taken a right turn and used the basket to widdle in instead of the toilet bowl. He remembered nothing of the event the next morning.


Mind you, he's famous for waking the whole house while having a sleep fight with monsters, aliens and baddies in general. He'll shout the place down while lashing out at his foes sometimes even running about the room only to wake up and ask what everybody is doing in his room.
(Fanta Menace Is tall enough to see over the fence, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 16:34, Reply)

Ineviatble piss story
I went to bed slighty the worse for wear, but in no way completely blotto. After a satisfyingly farty nights sleep I awoke to the a slight sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"Had I really, no I'm sure I didn't, but then maybe......"

Fairly convinced I had relieved myself in my sleep into my, full, bin it was with some trepidation that I peered into it's tissue infested (I had a cold ok)depths only to confronted with..... complete dryness.

"How queer" I thought, "I must have dreamt the entire episode.

The next night I happily dived under my He-Man duvet (I was 19 and struggling with girls, hmm) and dropped off to sleep. again I awoke the next day with a sense of foreboading. So once again I checked the bin and this time found it half full with worryingly brown piss.

Some kind of delayed drunkedness or the power of a subconscience bladder, who knows and frankly who cares. Luckily the spunk tissues soaked most of it up....
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 16:25, Reply)

notorious
I lived with a guy who was a notorious sleep walker. No just walker but serial sleep pisser. It's one of those things that happens to him when he's in an unfamiliar environment or pished as a fart. Let's call him SP.

When we lived and worked in a hotel in the lake district SP wandered into one of the girls rooms (she was getting a doing off one of the bar men) and started pissing against the wall then calmly walked out.

In our flat after a night of drinking my girlfriend got up to go to work (I was still a feckless student) she made a cup of tea and said "there's water all over the kitchen floor. But I couldn't see a leak" How she missed the smell of piss and vodka is beyond me. Watching her face turn that night when I told her what must have happened was priceless - she'd stepped in it a bit.

Finally - he was staying with a mate after a particuarly heavy session. The guy is lying on his bed door open when, from the side of the door comes a great big arching stream of piss landing squarly on a pile of dirty washing piled up against the wall. SP then came sleep walking into the room and lay down on the pile of dirty washing. What did the other guy do? Left him to sleep in his own piss.
(cannonfodder fodder for cannons on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 16:22, Reply)

Sleepwalking.
I was at school and had a German lesson about two weeks before the end of the term. I had history beforehand, and we had already finished the syllabus and taken the test, so we spent the time watching old TV Comedies. Unfortunately, we had just finished watch the Fawlty Towers episode, 'The Germans'.

Cue me bragging that I could do the goosestep march the exact way Basil Fawlty could. I fell asleep in German because I was so bored, and started sleepwalking the Goosestep...
( CandleJakk Formerly Che_Guevaras_Sponge, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 16:18, Reply)

Mum
One of my favourite things is do on a boring Tuesday night is walk into my mum's room while she's sleeping and ask her what she's doing, she usually comes out with "just getting the washing in" or "i'm making some chips".

It never fails to amuse.
( Lollylegs lite, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 16:12, Reply)

After a good night..
A few weeks ago I had a few drinks at a friends house, and as I was staying there for the night I went to bed as normal, but half way through I woke up to find myself sitting on the toilet.

As i'd been using a soft substance that night, I had no idea where I was, all I could remember what that i'd come to help someone.
I remember hearing shouting outside, but I can't remember if that was real of if I was imagining it.

After a while (i'm not sure of exactly how long) of sitting there scared, unsure of where I was I suddenly thought "Hang on, i'm in the bathroom...I was here last week!" even though i'd also been in there (sober) earlier that night.
I then made my way back to bed and had a lovely sleep.
( Lollylegs lite, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:59, Reply)

...
once my mum was woken up by me walking down the stairs and opening the front door. She asked me what I was doing to which I replied "going to the toilet".

another time I went downstairs and sat down in the living room with a trainer in my hand, my brother asked me what I was doing, I threw the trainer at him (hit him as well) and went back to bed.

didn't remember a thing about either time when told about what happened the next morning.

I've slept walked other times but those are the most interesting!
(lei, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:53, Reply)

Michelle, a girl who I knew from school
later went to college and years later I discovered we had a mutual friend. Anyway said mutual friend, Fiona, was telling me once that when she and Michelle had stayed in halls of residence, they had had frequent fire alarms in the middle of the night.

Michelle, it turns out, slept naked. During one fire alarm, all the girls in the corridor left, except (because they "knew" it would be one fo the frequent false alarms) Fiona and Michelle, who only emerged when the fire brigade came knocking on the doors to get them out. Michelle was (and still is, I'd imagine) a rather well-endowed lass, in the upper torso department, and also somewhat hirsute. Fiona put it rather less delicately: "all tits and hair".

Which is how she appeared at the door to the rather irritated, but subsequently delighted, fireman. She apparently was still asleep, even though she'd answered the door.

She didn't piss in a cupboard though. Or even on the fire. Not that there was one, as it was indeed a false alarm.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:49, Reply)

not really sleepwalking
I was watching Empire strike back late one night and as per usual for me i fell asleep halfway through the film. I was using one of those retro machines a video and as everybody knows when you get to the end of a tape it rewinds back to the begining. My video player was a noisy beast so when it did i woke up. Spaceballs was the telly, i thought i'd woke up in some other dimension where darth vader suddenly had one massive eye and everything in star wars land was just wrong. Totally freaked it took me a little while to realise what the hell was happening.
(phe, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:48, Reply)

Pissing in the closet, with a twist..
Well, as a young man, I would hang out with a slightly disreputable bunch of bikers. Not Angles exactly, just a diluted version..

Anyhow, they were all perfect gents. Some of them had a temper though.. especially one of them, called Samson. He put block built outdoor latrines to shame.

SO one day, a rather raucus party ensues at his place, with all and sundry (inlcuding the entire contents of one pub, and several strippers) getting thoroughly pissed/stoned/indulging in whatever fun they could. At some small hour, it wound down, and most went home, apart from the few of us that couldnt move, who passed out on the living room floor.

Now, it seems that during the night, a weezly little twat called Dave had got up, mistaken the closet for a toilet, and merrily deposited the proceeds of the nights drinking, and gone back to sleep.

It transpired in the morning, that Samson was not the most trusting of souls, and had stashed all of his powders, pils and cash in a really smelly wellington in said closet.

Said welly was still a receptacle for all his cash and contraband. Unfortunately, the contraband had dissolved, and the cash was now soggy.

The beating Dave got later on was spectacular though, and made the rest of us laugh like drains, as we hated the little fucker.
(CantSleepClownsWillGetMe Likes: Turtles, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:44, Reply)

Night terrors
My Dad gets them if he drinks anything with caffeine in it after lunchtime -- but we didn't know this when he came to stay with us for a weekend a while back. We were woken by loud but incoherent shouts and muttering, followed by a spectacular THUMP as he threw himself out of bed. My mum has got used to it: apparently she just says "Oh, put a sock in it." and he shuts up.

Unfortunately it looks like RWNlet #2 has inherited the problem, as he woke a few weeks back screaming his head off and generally freaking out. I was genuinely scared and thought he was having a fit, nearly called an ambulance. He wouldn't calm down so in the end we just put him back to bed and he immediately went quiet. Bizarre.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:42, Reply)

I act like a debonair psychopath in my sleep.
Sometimes I'm a drug dealer, sometimes I'm a ruthless businessman.

My family say that I bring the same sense of suave menace to all my roles.

Frankly I'd rather be doing comedy. But that's what you get when you suffer from sleep-Walken.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:36, Reply)

Sleepwalking
I thought I was bad for sleepwalking, but after reading some of these stories i'm relativly normal.

Usually I just get dressed/undressed my sleep, but the worst is when I go to sleep with the door closed but wake up with it open and I know i've been somewhere, this is especially bad when i'm at my boyfriends house and sleeping topless.

A few weeks ago I woke him up and shouting at him "You need to send me a text! YOU NEED TO SEND ME A TEXT!" but when he told me he couldn't get any signal I just rolled over and went back to sleep.
The other day I half remember talking to him about his genetalia while I was asleep, I can't remember exactly what I said though.
( Lollylegs lite, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:31, Reply)

Sleep Talking
Cant believe i just remembered this..

Me and my friend had an exam the next day and were both shitting it, i was talking to him on the phone and we decided to have an all night conversation (the bill afterwards was like a kick in the bollocks). He was lying in his bed talking to me and fell asleep, the conversation continued for another 2 hours or so regardless of the fact he was asleep. I was tired too so i've forgotten much of what he said, he told me his neighbour was forcing him to pay for a new window after him and Johnny (he doesnt know anyone called Johnny) smashed it. He also never called me by my real name, just a multitude of other ones like Peter, Jack, Tim etc

Hilarity ensued...
(Pimp my Clown is going back to the future on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:26, Reply)

true story
A couple of times I started foreplay with my then-girlfriend in my sleep, and then woke up at some point. She told me that at these times I was much more 'like an animal'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:25, Reply)

The pisser
I have a history of pissing in things in my sleep - but strangely never, ever, the bed

Cut to my childhood - several times caught in the act of pissing in washing baskets, parents cupboards - folks probably saw me 'lad out' more times than any lady since.

Closer to the present time, after a hard sess on xmas eve, my sub-conscious functions decided it would be a real hoot to piss all over the pile of chrimbo presents I was about to joyously present to the family - scene of the crime that day fortunately covered by then emptying a full bottle of Cerruti all over said pressies and the floor.

More recently - and once again after full lashings - staying at a mates house, I decided to relive my childhood and piss in the washing basket... containing, wait for it, lots of clothes.. cue his girlf going from funny hysterics to angry hysterics... the good result however, was I managed to piss on their complete bastard of a cat!

.. no doubt I will do this again

No apologies for length.. puddles.. or any lasting odours
(Bobbywhacker, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:25, Reply)

Sad story
My boss in a previous job had a sister who was about 15 at the time. She was sleepwalking a lot around exam time, maybe worry or anxiety. Well anyway one night she must have got confused and fell from upstairs out of a window and landed on concrete head first. the whole family heard it and all went down but she was dead instantly. Real sad story I think but I suppose it happens a lot all round the world. I would like to post a funny one for this but that's it i'm afraid.
(amsterdam_neild, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:23, Reply)

before me
the bedshitter went out with a girl called joanne whose parents were strict catholics. although the daughter was (apparently) a dirty ripper, they never let them spend the night together under their roof.

one night, the 'shitter and joanne had been out drinking and the parents could hear floorboards creaking. convinced that they would try and sleep together, joanne's mother took it upon herself to sleep with her daughter to stop the 'shitter slipping in for any hanky panky.

sadly for joanne, she was too drunk to get this. she rolled over with the horn in the middle of the night, embraced her mother hungrily and said something as erotic and original as "oh john, do me, do me" before her mother woke her up screaming.

that story made me go cold...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:19, Reply)

QOTW
On holiday some years back i had to share a room with my brothers and i've been told i talk crap in my sleep, usually gibberish.

On this occasion i apparently said "The Angel is coming and it is coming..."

Pause

"...now"

My terrified bro didnt sleep all night.
(Pimp my Clown is going back to the future on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:16, Reply)

more sleep talking....
well, shouting really

my mate Tom is quite a loud person, as are the rest of his family, and they used to have loud shouting matches, often in front of his friends.

one night a couple of us were staying round his place (probably around the age of 13).

Tom was asleep and shouting and swearing loudly. This sounded exactly like the sort of shouting and swearing he would do whilst awake and arguing with his brother.

Naturally my other friend and I found this highly amusing and laughed out loud for an extended period.

The shouting and laughter became more and more intense until one of us noted that Tom was now sat up in bed and had been shouting at us for laughing for the previous couple of minutes.

We couldn't tell the difference between sleep shouting and awake shouting.

We were at a festival this weekend just gone and I swear I heard him shouting in his sleep in another tent. God knows what he was saying though
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:15, Reply)

3 for your delight...
Let's see...

1. After being knocked off a table in secondary school by a dastardly wrestling move i had a mild concussion. This lead to a night of me dreaming I was a soldier who had his legs blow off by a grenade and dragging myself on my arms recieving a lovely carpet burn for my troubles. (Age 12)

2. Sleep walking to the top of the stairs. Having a full blown conversation with the old man about random bollocks. Ending the conversation with a loud FUCK OFF and going back to bed. (Age 9)

3. Not me but a lovely tale from my friend about his girlfriend and her drunken sleep walking misadventures. After a heavy session in the local which is miles away the friend and girlfriend arrive home. Said girlfriend is naked and trundles into the friends parents room. Standing there for full on 10 minutes a startled mother awakens. walks girlfriend back to friend and presents naked girlfriend to friend with "I think this belongs to you"
( Mr. Street, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:15, Reply)

not quite on topic sorry
Have done the obligatory cupboard piss so won't expand.

I don't remember many of my dreams, one however scared me for a long time when i was younger.

Was being chased by something wolfie / big dog like across moors, I slipped over and rolled onto my back just as this great big thing leapt at me and . . .

At the exact moment of possible impact my little black cat jumped onto my bed landing on my legs, i woke up screaming like an absolute motherfucker and cat went from bedroom to catflap in about 0.24 seconds.

also occasionally have a really strange repetitive dream about looking at a weirdly proportioned snooker table that bends through strange dimensions whenever i try to concentrate on a ball, always wake up feeling headachey, terrible and lethargic the next morning

Im waffling, apologies

edit: I have never taken a mild altering substance in my life (apart from 8 pints of Exmoor gold on an empty stomach, wooo)
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:08, Reply)

Talking
in my sleep is a frequent amusement. Such gems include:-

1. Nudged girlfriend and said "You'd better get out of here, there's an old man here to collect his New Year's decorations."

2. Sat bolt upright and let out a Clinton Baptiste style "Y'arite?!?"

3. Asked why I was tossing and turning so much I replied "Because yellow beans grow in the desert."
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:07, Reply)

i once
went on a school trip to the netherlands. one night i had to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. the toilets were communal so i had to leave the room that i was sharing with three friends and when i returned the door was shut and locked. after knocking (with increasing volume) on the door for about ten minutes, a teacher walks down the stairs to where my room was to see what was going on. he is wrapped in a blanket, also locked out of his room. turns out he is actually naked under the blanket and woke up in the middle of the night when he had been sleepwalking and on return to his room was locked out. so he is actually probably pretty lucky that i am male, and also don't care, and that no one saw him naked. school teachers should probably be a bit more careful in looking less like perverts.

also, the other night after my girlfriend had stayed up for about 40 hours straight, thanks to an assignment she had due. she called me about six times within an hour, to tell me the exact same thing; as she had been falling asleep after hanging up, then waking up remembering that she had something to tell me (but not remembering that she already had). also, atleast once she fell asleep while talking to me over the phone, which is very confusing.
(woo who?, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:04, Reply)

One way to end a beautiful friendship...
When my parents were in their twenties they rented a house in the countryside with a group of friends (some with children in tow) in order to enjoy a lovely weekend away. Lo and behold they get pished up that night and one of the men takes a midnight wander to the toilet. Cue horrified parent coming into their baby's room just in time to see their former friend relieving himself into their six month old babies crib. And they ssay my generation is bad.
(Prinskipper Skipple, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:03, Reply)

Eyes Wide Sleepwalking
My mum tells me that when I was about 7 or 8 I used to sleepwalk regularly. Apparently all I would do was walk downstairs and stand there, and that was it. However, my mum is so prim and proper it could well be that I did something unimaginably vile but she'll never be able to breathe a word of it, to me or to anyone.

She did say that I used to stand there with my eyes wide open but still asleep. She said it looked 'uncanny' but I'm actually intrigued about what it looks like.

Mrs Spankengine tells me that a couple of nights ago I sat up in the middle of the night and said very clearly: "Have you got the box of ammunition?". I was very insistent, apparently. Probably a good job there's not a gun in the house.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:03, Reply)

A long way down.....
Way back when I had to share a bedroom with my older brother, we had bunk beds, and I was at the top. Now around that age I did tend to sleepwalk alot, one time when I woke up, I found myself sitting at the living room computer at about 4:15am playing Worms. Another time when I eventually woke up I found myself making a glass of blackcurrent juice for no particular reason (everyone thought i was posessed cos I was apparently talking nonsense at the time). But what happened more times than anything else, was that I would get up and sleepwalk off the edge of my bed, on these occasions I was woken by me falling to the floor of the bedroom.
(Howling_Mad Gave God the finger on:, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 15:01, Reply)

My ex-girlfriend
On one occasion after we'd spent a lovely afternoon together, I got ready for work (nights), had a slightly surreal conversation with her and gave her a kiss goodbye. A few hours later, she rang me at work, confused as to why I wasn't there when she woke up and why I hadn't said goodbye. As I was trying to explain that I had, it dawned on her that she was phoning me from the living room of the shared house, completely naked.

On another occasion she woke me in the middle of the night because she'd had a text message from our flatmate and she was in trouble and we had to go and rescue her. She was already down the corridor and about to knock on the door before she realised it maybe wasn't such a good idea after all - she doesn't in fact have a mobile phone on which to receive a text message.

I've caught her climbing on the bed before as though she was walking up stairs, she would frequently talk nonsense in her sleep, and I too was once the victim of a day-long cold shoulder because I had been mean to her in a dream.

But at least she never pissed herself.
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:50, Reply)