Victory
Im not sporty. Infact im so unsporty that i've never been in any sports team and dont even play frisbee in summer. What can i say, im a natural born sitter.

When in school i was infamously the least willing PE student. I never voluteered for sports day. Not one single event, stating that our house would be better off without me. This was much to the displeasure of my tutor Mrs Hawthorn who happened to be head of PE. Each year i managed to get out of it. I hid when she called people up to 'volunteer'. I voluteered for 'drinks' duty before she could press gang me into somthing. I even created some house cheerleaders (of an unenergetic sort) to give me somthing to do on the day which didnt involve running whilst everyone was looking at me.

Unfotunately in my last year i was cornered. She managed to bring in a new rule claiming ALL students had to compete in one of the events. She forced me into a 50m relay team. Dreading this day i tried to look forwards to the two week holiday to cyprus my friends parents were taking me and Buddy No1 on which would cut short this painful term by a whole week.

The time ticked away. I even cleaned my PE kit and tried to find some socks. Then, when the doom-ridden morning came i peered out of my window into a sheet of rain. The whole day rained off. It had to be postponed. For a week. Right slap bang in the middle of my holiday.

UP YOURS MRS HAWTHORN!

(she carried on making my life hell, but at least i won one back)
(peech, Mon 3 Apr 2006, 2:46, Reply)

That would have gone a long way...
... if you'd hit it.

I heard that a few times. Ah well.
(stoat on the road to nowhere, Mon 3 Apr 2006, 2:32, Reply)

Relay race
I was the second runner in my class's 4x100m relay team in the school sports day, for some reason, presumably because there was a rule for how many events you could enter and the faster runners had already been in other races.

I'm not a great runner by any stretch of the imagination, and after the fastest lad in my class passed the baton to me, I was pretty far ahead of the rest of the runners. The gap was closed by some of the other runners by the time I made it to the third runner and passed the baton, but I was very pleased to have not fucked up completely in front of everyone.

Eager to ensure this remained the case, I quickly attempted to leave the track, forgetting the advice we were given beforehand, namely, make sure you look out for other runners behind you when leaving your lane.

I found myself flung to the ground as I had just ambled into the path of the fastest runner in school. He was also on the floor, his baton was several feet away, and the guy waiting for it was staring at me liked I just raped his Grandma.

The whole school was staring at me as I picked myself up and made my way to the side of the track. My lack of participation in future sports days was an inevitable result.
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Mon 3 Apr 2006, 2:25, Reply)

I got banned from doing sports day
I always got roped into doing all the races nobody else wanted to, as a result I did most of the races on the day and wasn't very good. However, when we finished the race we would go and sit down on chairs in the order we had finished. In the confusion I would sit my self down on the 1st, 2nd or 3rd chairs. This worked suprisingly well and my form won one year becuase of me. They eventually did get privvy to the scheme and i had to spend the year 11 sports day in silence with the vice principle in her office.

Now you can have a PE story. I was never that good at PE (but i wasnt one of the fat kids that would get their mum to write them a note every fucking lesson) and my classmates knew this. We were playing softball and one gobshite shouts "Cockfosters is batting, field in". Not only did i twat the ball off the field, as i ran i launched my bat and hit him sqaure in the bollocks. He didnt walk right for about a month.
(Cockfosters!, Mon 3 Apr 2006, 1:46, Reply)

Swimming gala
Everyone's waiting as six fifteen year old lads line up on the diving blocks for the 100m front crawl. One of them seems to have his mind on one of the girls. There is a tent in the speedos. Everyone is laughing. The sports teachers too. So much so they forget to start the race. So there he is stood with most of the school looking at his stiffy. Poor old Neil Dyke....
( LittlePixel, Mon 3 Apr 2006, 1:10, Reply)

Family loyalty
It was my eighth birthday, and my auntie came to visit. I was surprised as she brought Gary, one of the boys from my class at school with her. Turns out he was her grandson, making him my second cousin or something.
Anyways...
Fast forward a few weeks and it's "Sports Day"
I'm in the "running a lap of the playground" race. With legs and heart pounding I'm managing 4th place, with only a few yards to go. The leaders head for the home straight. Gary sticks his leg out. Third girl falls. I race past her limp, bloodied body and claim third place as my very own.
I got a certificate (I was 8. It meant something....Ok!)
After the race I nod and smile at Gary, he smiles back.
It was never mentioned again and no-one knew we were related until we were 14 and used the same excuse for not doing our homework.

I'd apologise for length, but it's my first post and it's oh-so exciting.
(BooEvil, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 23:03, Reply)

Last school sports day was funny.
I got "PENIS" written on my forehead.

In the SFW style of "PEN is in pencilcase"

I took part in the javelin bit, it was funny because there were two bees fornicating on the floor.

So I laughed at them.

We all laughed at them.

When I went back to watch the running people. I then denounced my team and fucked off to join my friends at the other end of the field.

In other sports day news: In year 2 I would have won the sprint, but I fell over and grazed my knee so I couldn't continue. There was even BLOOD!

Oh, and one of my friends cheated in the houpla. She had a bun on her head and just put the hoop around it.

In terms of other types of sporting events, at my old school sporting events were not voluntary. You HAD to do something. So I got forced to swim once, and the head teacher and headmistress ended up saying "Go on! Go on!" as I was the last to finish in my race and almost drowned (one length: 25m, I'm shite at competitive swimming)

At the school I'm currently at it's voluntary.
So hardly anyone does. Except for rounders. Last rounders was shite since I got wacked in the head with the ball.

It's nuttin' too interesting, I think it would be better if schools did bets on the races.


edit: Yeah... at this school we don't have parents on sports day. Only at my old school.

Oh, and blu tak doesn't work too well in egg and spoon races.

I so used to own the other kids at throwing the rounders ball. Easy as piss. You chuck the ball.

Oh. More about the voluntary thing.

NO-ONE volunteers for tennis. Last time there were only about 3-4 people playing tennis. There are 6 houses. Meriden, Cartland, Stratford, Lichfield, Warwick and Priory.

No apologies for length. It is a bit long isn't it?
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 22:57, Reply)

ah, sports day...
on one of the few occasions that i didn't have chickenpox, lice, an unfortunate sprain, scurvy or otherwise, i was roped into it. well, about as much roping as sitting on the sidelines and dying of heat related death can have. anyway, our school (this is a primary school) was built on the site of a WWII airship landing type thingy. as such, all of the houses were named after planes. we had our house points, and little colours and such. spitfire was blue, hercules was green, hurricane was red and mosquito were yellow. i was a mosquito. now yellow is the brightest of these colours, as you may know...

BEES. fucking. bees. EVERYWHERE. one.. well, one landed on my leg. so i bawled hysterically, like the nine year old that i was. the year six girls spent the rest of the event trying to clam me down and figure out if i'd actually been stung whilst my friends laughed at me. nasty little herculesian buggers!
(reisu has a man on a ladder fetish, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 22:52, Reply)

sports afternoons in general
by year nine, i had demonstrated sufficiently by total disdain for any sporting activities and was thus permitted to do unsupervised cross-country. unsupervised = loosely supervised by mr bayes ["you... cross country lot. yes, you. go to the public park around a mile away and run around there for a bit." at some point it changed to orienteering in the surrounding streets; the area in which we were allowed to roam were defined by the local drinking holes. this continued to year ten.

year eleven, we had mr amery for badminton/squash/table tennis at the public sports centre. amazing the number of times we got lost en route and ended up getting stoned at my mate's.

happy days
(bakerloo.boy, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 21:56, Reply)

sports day
on sportsdays at my school, it wasnt compulsory to play. they wanted us to, but we didnt HAVE to.
so anyway. if youre not playing, you have to stay on the feild and watch.
bored of this, me an my friends decided that we would go on a mission. yes, a mission. to escape from sports day.
this was not as easy as you might think, as there were teachers guarding EVERYWHERE, to make sure no students did as we did.
so we "went to the toilet" and then crept around the mobile buildings, 007-style. nearly got caught several times, did get caught, got shooed back onto the pitch, and did it again. without getting caught. we hid in the school, then decided we need to go outside, to make it exciting. so once again, we sneak around outside, and get caught, and this time, we get hauled up infront of the rest of the school, and told off.
so worth it though
(hextatic, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 21:33, Reply)

Snemony Licket's A Series of Twunts
I didn't really have much to do with sports days as a lad - They were always on Wednesday afternoons, and us of the Cricket team always played on Wednesday's.
Anyway stories abound of a number of so-called teachers and their methods of knowledge dispersal; 'Piggy', who refereed every type of sport from his Merc; 'Roger', who was only useful as a teacher whilst drunk, which happily was the norm; Jim Luck, possibly the most stand up decent man ever to grace the face of the Earth, who used to regale us with tales of playing rugby against prison teams when he was at Durham; 'Mike', who was tormented by both swimming pool and javelin related incidents and Mad Freddy Evans - the man, the myth, one hell of a Chemistry teacher and possibly the most talented Ping Pong exponent since Desmond Douglas - Selective Schools, don't you love them!
(tonton & the machoutes Don't you just Hait-i, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 21:11, Reply)

Streaker!
Quite unusually for such a low key event as a primary school sports day, one year we had a streaker.

Seats were set up alongside the one running track on our field, with pretty much every "sport" being running, occassionally with obstacles such as putting a rubber hoop on your head whilst running, or pretending you cared about recieving a sticker after running - all very enthralling. We were luckily given a respite from our boredom however, as some plucky young lad from one of the houses whose back gardens were seperated from the field by a solitary fence. Cue much chaos as hundreds of little kids stand laughing whilst naked child ran in a frenzy all oer the field and down the track with a grin of pure joy on his face. His mothers efforts to stop this entailed her jogging all of 10 metres before stopping and realising that her 20-a-day tar lungs couldn't handle it, thus resulting in the streaking lasting an above average 20 minutes.

The only slightly worrying part was the few parents who decided to video it, perhaps to take to their Glitter inspired nonce dungeon.
(Naixin, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 21:05, Reply)

I never paricipated in sports day......
but I did have a captive gambling market, who wern't that good at maths and concequently couldn't work out what the odds meant....I made a lot of money on those good old sports days...

I also remember on my last sports day in year 11 gambling had been banned again, with me being partially to blame. So a few of my mates joined me at the side of the running track, playing poker.
( Jimbo314 is drunk on, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 19:54, Reply)

Our school swimming pool
was also used by the nearby primary school. The day before our school swimming races, a stinky wee 5year old boy, had a nice wee poop in our pool during their lesson.

The swimming races were then called off as noone really wanted to race with a floater involved.

Although ofcourse they cleaned out the pool carefully after a few days, the majority of us girls seemed to have irregular periods that occured every second week that our swimming lesson was due.
( wigglywoo i like jelly beeeeaaaans!, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 18:52, Reply)

fucking kes
to peter sutcliffes right bollock, never mind the bloody pe lessons, having to trudge throught that book every gcse english lesson was harder than having a beefy pe teachers hand up your arse*




*not that that ever happened
(muggins im afraid dave.my mind is going, i can feel it, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 18:40, Reply)

Cross Country Running
I remember back at school they seemed to have this obsession with "Cross Country Running" - which generally involved herding our entire year into a group, and running us round all our sports pitches, up a dodgy country lane, round a giant tree at the end, and back again, while they looked on with whips and rifles*.

Anyway - two stories spring to mind with this particular event. One was my friend Ali, who managed to walk the course (to learn the way etc) beforehand in a little under an hour. Then ran it in an hour and 45 minutes. How he managed this, nobody will ever know.

Also, I remember back in year eight, the way I made one of my best friends was running into him half way round the course, hidden behind a tree, eating a kit-kat. Just struck me as hillarious - eating a chocolate bar on what is essentially a gruelling fitness regime. The utter pie.

* - Mild exaggeration, may not have happened.
(Ant Marching And for my next trick... GWARGGHHGWWGGGH!, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 15:22, Reply)

Judo - or something
Glum reaper's just reminded me of something....

My mate was into Judo - or something - he was practicing kicking (ok, maybe not Judo) and I was stood facing him. See where this is going? He was faking kicking at me being all clever - anyway he adjusts his stance and kicks at me quite hard and this time connects - in the bollocks. I fall down groaning - he didn't laugh. I think I cried actually.....

Twunt.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 12:25, Reply)

Cricket - I've few sports day stories, but loads of crap sports ones
Ahhh - another crap story - well, two really...

Just been bowled to and I've let it go through (well, I'm crap at cricket and I probably missed it by a country mile - Couldn't hit the side of a barn with the bat I can tell you) - AAaaannyhoo ... I'm stood there, the wicket keeper has the ball and I'm attacked by what can only be described as a horse with wings and a f*** off great stinger (ok, so it was probably just a little wasp) so I'm flailing like a proper spas and I step out of the crease - Wicket keeper stumps me and twat games teacher decides I'm out. cnut.

Another time - I'm playing a blinder, I've beaten my P.B. and I'm up to 13 runs (told you I was crap) - dodgy call and I'm off to the other end and I think that I'd better slide in... Now, I'm more a footballer so I slide in like I would have done a sliding tackle. Bad idea. Forgot that I'm in shorts didn't I. It's been dry. The crease is like a cheese grater. Got in though.... Leg was a right old mess - was wrapped in gauze for over 2 weeks - I'm still scarred now 14 years later .... physically - only slightly mentally.

Arsebiscuits.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 12:21, Reply)

Still slightly ashamed of this one..
Sat in the stands with my friend during one glorious summer sports day, I looked over to notice he seemed to be just staring into space, deep in thought. Being young and childish I did the only obvious thing and pretended to slap him, stopping my hand short of hitting him (of course, I am not a violent person :).

His reactions were, shall we say, less than lightning-fast, and after about five seconds more of his thoughtful stare into space he suddenly jerked up and grabbed my hand.

My comment to him was something like "Nice reactions speedy", which prompted him to say "yeah, just you try that again".

So I did.

Quite Hard.

I did help him up afterwards, with blood pouring from his nose, and we went to find the nurse.

If by any chance you're reading this Paddy, I'm sorry!
( The Glum Reaper cannot solve your problem because he has no jam, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 12:18, Reply)

Shot-Put..
For those of you who recall the "on Stage" QOTW a few weeks ago, you might remeber that i was a) not really a sporty kind of guy at school, b) was unpopular because of it and c) went to an über-posh center of education which excelled at sports.

As a kid i used to climb trees endlessly, as a young teenager I spent ages canoeing around the UK, and as I went through puberty, I became rather beefy.

I, for some un-godly reason was required to make some sort of sporting effort... and opted to go for the shot-put. The area in which it was done was the closest to the school by about 40 meters, the people who did it were all the cricket-jumper wearing rugby jocks, and It was a relatively quick and painless thing.

In true traditionm I went up last and lobbed the dmned thing as far as I could be bothered to. THUD.. I LOVE that sound. Mindful of the fact that I hadn't done the twirly thing, and that I certainly couldn't be accused of making a serious effort, I was rather pleased to have out-lobbed everyoen else by 30cm.

Shocked and bewildered, the rugby twats tried harder. I beat them again. That afternoon, I re-set the school record.

Not a great story really... but just a nice memory for me. Again, the Beta-male out performing the heard of testosterone filled Alphas. It's a good feeling.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sun 2 Apr 2006, 9:15, Reply)

PE was a right t'pain...
Our arse of a PE teacher, Mr. Sugden decided he wanted to play football every lesson. I wasn't too fussed since I hated any type of physical activity and atleast football gave me the opportunity to stand in goal and do sweet FA.

One lesson inpaticular the weather was bad, it was freezing (to the point where I was wishing I was running about) and muddy. Mr. Sugden decided he wanted to be Bobby Charlton and started to run about fouling all of the other lads and then blowing up for nowt when the same happened to him. I got so bored I decided to start swinging on the crossbar of the goal. He caught me and ended up making my after PE shower a cold one....


....cunt.
(Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 2:28, Reply)

I NEVER took part.
I wasn't bad at stuff like Football and Basketball but running x amount of meters bored me silly so I always managed to escape sports days.

Myself and several friends would always go buy cheap lemonade from Kwik Save for like 15p and stick magnets in them. Not very sporty but at least it wasn't boring.

Try it.... outside.
(tylrdiablos, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 1:29, Reply)

I'd rather be somewhere else
Sports days were always a waste of time as far as I was concerned. I was never going to get picked for anything because of my dreadful athletic ability and complete lack of concern for the actual process of performing in the largely pointless competitions we were set. so, the last sports day at my school, i wasn't there. I went to a shooting match for classic arms instead, borrowed a .45 automatic pistol and a .38 revolver and happily pounded the crap out of boer war through to world war two era targets in the shape of germans, cossacks and the like. Happy days! if only they'd had combat pistolry down as a sports day activity. Which would you rather do on a hot day - run around in a revolting yellow vest, or blow multitudes of big holes in a cardboard cossack?

The other, even less savoury sub-sports-day was an annual whole-school cross country match. there were two versions of the course, a short one for the juniors and a longer one for the seniors. I'd been caught out at one point and actually ended up running the entire three-mile length of the course. You'll already know me as a lazy oaf, and you'll smell a scheme brewing, oh yes. i considered the alternatives to fair play that my colleagues had dreamed up. these included:
- Walking the course instead of running it, as a sort of protest (too public, I dislike derision)
- taking good amounts of ganja with them to lessen the pain (not my bag, at least not then)
- smuggling in drink (considered risky from a disciplinary standpoint)

My plan was even more idle. on previous runs I'd spotted a ditch some four feet deep and forty or fifty yards long. I wore a smelly old CCF poncho to keep the cold wind out, which helpfully also concealed a 58-pattern webbing belt that supported a set of mess tins, water bottle and hexy stove (gotta love the CCF, the kit we had was all older than half our parents). last in line as usual, and out of sight of the staff, I doubled back, hopped into the ditch and sat there for the next hour happily brewing coffee and contemplating the mysteries of the universe. I rejoined the run as they returned, coming in last of course, just to keep up appearances.

Go me. but only when it suits me.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Sun 2 Apr 2006, 0:40, Reply)

Never competed at sports day, was too much of a nerd
However PE in general was f**king aweful. We had 3 welsh PE teachers who only taught rugby, who used to love showing us where we were to grab each other during a scrum.

But the rugby wasn't the worst bit, no. It was the shower afterwards that everybody feared. Aged 13-14, we were all told to strip off and we were then herded into the open plan showers, single file, being counted in one at a time. Normally you'd expect someone to just count without using your hands... but no, one of the said welsh PE teachers counted each boy in by slapping his pert young behind.

A few of us soon cottoned on that this was a bad thing to happen, so we managed to cram 6 of us into a toilet cubicle, waiting until everone was out and dressed again before emerging with washed faces, smelling of Lynx spray.

This was about ten years ago, and as far as I am aware 'Mr E' as we shall call him is still slapping away merrily.
(Biromunch, Sat 1 Apr 2006, 22:08, Reply)

Sports at School?
In college, detailed in a previous post, I had an 'incident' with my First Sergeant where he decided I needed some 'motivational training'...so he took me to his room, made me get into the Forward Leaning Rest (push-up position) and kicked me multiple times.

He broke two ribs and punctured my lung.

After considerable pondering on my own mortality, I went back up to his room and broke his nose. But that didn’t 'solve' my problem...

You see, in a military college, you don’t want to be known as a "rat" so I knew I couldn’t report him -OR- go to the infirmary because if I went to the nurses, they would ask "how" it happened and I would have to break the honor code by lying about it...so here comes the sport part:

I was the Quarterback for my company's intramural football team. We had a game that afternoon...so I faded to pass and saw a guy breaking through the line...this was what I was waiting for: I THREW myself onto his knee so that my ribs, the broken ones, would impact it.

I woke up in the infirmary...two beds over? He was laying there with his nose taped up. Result!

I ended up having to be taped, navel to neck every third day for a month in order to immobilize my torso. BUT, to those that knew the back-story? I was a GOD!
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Sat 1 Apr 2006, 20:27, Reply)

Hockey
I'm not normaly a violent person but.....

Part way through High School I suddenly found I was fairly good at hockey, normaly being a total duffer at any sport I felt rightously big headed that maybe now was my time to join the school hockey team ready for the little sports day match they had each year.
Only thats where things went horribley wrong.

On the very first practice we were forced by the rather too close for comfort male P.E teacher to have a short game on a field that looked like it hadnt been mowed for a good few years. All went well and I was beginning to enjoy myself when the year bully, a rather big girl with hideous train track braces, decides she is going to foul me. Her wooden hockey stick meets mine, the resulting momentum causing my stick to slip all the way up over her knuckles and finnaly squarely meeting with her mouth braces and all.
As her lip blossomed into a beautiful shade of purple, I made a sharp exit.

Needly to say she never bullied me again.......... nor played hockey.
(Jelly suprize Has been trying to find the exit since, Sat 1 Apr 2006, 20:26, Reply)

The infamous...

We were in the last year of high school thus about to go into the college and finish PE. Unfortunately, there was a shortage of PE staff for the girls. (The last had suspended a girl for accidentally knocking her face so we were glad to see the back of her). But then it turned out we had... !

Usually seen bright red and screaming at the boy's teams. Getting into moods and claiming he was going to retire. And working people out in sleet and snow.

The entire last year was spent with a few softballs and hockey sticks in a gym. We were basically knocking each others heads off. And once, three of us just couldn't be bothered and sat down. He came over, we thought 'Ah, we're for it!' and he said 'What are you doing?' My friend popped out with 'We couldn't be bothered, sir.'

'Ah ok.'

And off he went.

Legend.
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 1 Apr 2006, 20:18, Reply)

Teacher
Our gym teacher one year was an alleged archery champion who won some kind of medals for England. If you saw him, the only medals he could ever have won was for pie eating.

Anyway he'd make us do the usual football/hockey/rugby/running thing but from a distance cos he couldn't ever run close enough as he was too much of a fat chuffer. If we were far away it was standard to pretend we couldn't hear him or just ignore him and make him run over to us - it was fun to watch his red face try to convey any kind of words without him having a coronary....

Wait, he only lasted a term and then vanished.....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 1 Apr 2006, 17:16, Reply)

this one day at PE
my gym teacher was very evil and he would always beat people up if they mouthed off to him. This one day we were playing kickball and actually picked up the kickball and threw it as hard as he could at a girl on his team and she went in to the office crying.
(The abominable coffee table Likes french fries, Sat 1 Apr 2006, 17:13, Reply)

Scary teachers
Not sports day exactly but PE related. Headmaster's wife, scary old geezer bird type would insist on "checking" we didn't do that wearing underwear under the towel into the showers thing.
One day a rather brave girl in our class, happened to now be talling than the teacher, had enough and told her to fuck off. Cheers and applauds ensued and we never asked to show under our towels again.
Oh and I just remembered another PE teacher whose bollocks fell out his shorts during star jumps..nice!
( moogy boobles, Sat 1 Apr 2006, 16:50, Reply)