A conversation between my brother and his mate
"I was thinking, you know .... anal sex must hurt like buggery"

you have to laugh really
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:16, Reply)

what a perfect topic considering whats just happened to me
I'm in the men’s toilets at work, i go in to a cubical and do my thing, as i'm about to finish up I hear a women come in the toilets, she is talking on here mobile phone. she gets in the cubical next to me, i stay very quite, i can see her feet under the divide(open toed sandals with pink nail varnish) not quite sure who she was talking to on the phone, but as she's doing a big noise piss she's saying" yep, i can see it now, it's not like when I’m on my period, there seems to be more of it, and it mainly comes out when i pee, it doesn't sting, or smell or anything"


Nice, thanks for that love.
( Happyperson, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:15, Reply)

i was on a train once from london to glasgow
and this bloke in his mid 40s, in a suit, was having a right old rant on the phone:-
"aye, that fucking cunt was getting on in first class. the fucking cow, she says she made up the extra expense hersel but i fucking know that cunt (-bosses name-) has paid it for her through the company. cant fucking believe it, im sutck in the fucking grotty, packed out normal coach and that bitch gets first class....for fucking what?...'
this tirade went on for a bit with every expletive being bandied about. a few minutes later ...
'ok mam, were just coming into durham, get me tea on ill be home in about 15minutes'
the whole carriage burst out laughing. just imagined some 70 year old mam at the other end going 'yes dear...ooo, thats terrible'
(hazey, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 15:14, Reply)

Tourism (2)
Here in Prague. To me.
"Hey, is this the coldest country in Europe?"
and then (bearing in mind they were staying in my hostel)
"We only got 20,000 crowns, is that enough for three days?"
20,000 crowns is 400 pounds sterling, 4 months rent in Prague.
( Zuowan, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:58, Reply)

in referance to
the man who fell asleep dot com -

sounds like a lyric resource for the beat combo group 'Underworld'
(magictorch, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:57, Reply)

Oh, that'll be Emma Buncunt
hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her. hate her.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:55, Reply)

Musical
I just overheard a song with the words, "And then the mother came, and then the sister came, and then the brother came, and then the cousin came". Sounds like a weekend in Utah to me.
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:54, Reply)

Tourism (1)
I was in Baker Street station and heard two old American women, talking to each-other as follows:
"Did you know Sherlock Holmes is fictional?"
"No!? Really!!?"
( Zuowan, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:53, Reply)

Hmmmmm
too many really, but as it's relevant

www.themanwhofellasleep.com/gossip.html
(spudmonkey Now MrPineapple can sex me from behind. Don't ask!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:50, Reply)

Squaddies
On a Train to Newcastle I overheard two squaddies talking about their initiation rituals.

Apparently having melted cheese poured over your genitals and a broom handle stuck up your arse are standard fare in our armed forces.
(shouldwork, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:45, Reply)

At a theatre production of "Macbeth".
There were these two old ladies behind us in the audience.
When Macbeth delivered the line which begins "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow", i heard one of the ladies say to her friend "Oh, that will make it Thursday"
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:44, Reply)

Dear "chi - gissa job! my new website up too"

Didsbury? I'm from didsbury! Which parts eh? Eh? Eh?
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:41, Reply)

I normally ride a bike to work
but sometimes I take a bus if I have alchol plans later that day. Responsible innit? Anyway - I love to get the front seat of the top deck on a routmaster and lo was treated when sat just there to the most amusing of conversations the other week, helped doubly by the fact there had been a murder on Upper St (North London y'know) and the bus took about half an hour longer than usual.

Anyway - there were these two young college types (a level or maybe btec age) sat talking everso loudly. Both seemed to be into youth theatre (something that strikes fear into my very moral fibre) and one was this precotious little git talking all about his recent conquests and how he'd like to 'get jiggy with rachael cos she's nice like but nice in a sexy way rather than a dirty way" and on and on he went regardless to the other bus users or to the fact that his companion who was a nice enough lass clearly adored him. Naturally someone of such ego would never notice such nuances and carried on and on. I think she just wanted to blurt out "shut the fuck up about those sluts and come round mine for hot unbridalled sex" but sadly she didn't have it in her.

Sorry there was no payoff to reading all that was there?
( LittlePixel, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:37, Reply)

Things people have overheard me saying
I have been overheard singing "I'm every woman" in a CDT lesson many years ago.

I was also overheard doing a Geoffrey Boycott impression, saying "You'll 'ave someone's eye out wi' that" about a woman waving an umbrella around. She asked if I wanted to be the first.

Last week I made a joke rather loudly about stealing a baby as I passed an empty pram, only to be confronted just around the corner by mother holding the baby and looking at me like I had just killed her parents.
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:36, Reply)

Pissed...
for the first time, 15 years old at some dive in deepest darkest Birmingham. I go into the delapidated toilet and seeing there's someone at the trough I decided to brave to cubicle. So i'm there, pissing away happily when I hear the door go and another bloke walk in. He stands by the guy at the trough and says 'Don't laugh at mine'. I stifled my laugh and pissed all down my leg, but it was worth it to hear that gem.
(Moo Lefty Drinking From His Own Udders since, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:33, Reply)

Phonecall
Mate: "Hello, House of The Rising Sun..."

Other end: "Hello, HMS Belfast..."

Mate: "Hello, is it me you're looking for..."

Other end: "We haven't got any goodbye."

Mate: "The number you have dialed has not been recognised, please replace the handset and try again..."

Other end: "WHAT?!!??!"

Mate: "Hello, Hitler's Bunker..."

Other end: "Hello Kentucky Fried Criminals..."

Mate: "Hello, Forced Labour Camp..."

- A series of opening lines a few months back when my mate picked up the departmental phone on speakerphone at work. We are Network Technicians in an FE college - and occasioanlly get bored with some of the inane phonecalls we get...
(Lifson Kofie, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:27, Reply)

Americans
Not overheard but I was in Edinburgh a while ago and had just crossed a road, using the traffic lights, the sort that bleep so you know when to cross. Anyway, there's a couple of dumb fuc* yanks on the other side. The woman says to me "Excuse me, but why do thiose traffic lights bleep"
Me "So the blind can use them"
DFY "That's amazing, in my country the blind can't drive."
(Mong-the-Merciful, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:24, Reply)

hey preacher...not that i'd like to get into an arguement about this
but i'm a girl
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:23, Reply)

earwigging? me?
in a girlie shop with my missus when a young lass walks past on her mobile. normal you think.......
but.....
the only bit of the conversation i heard was..........
"JUST SHAVE IT YOURSELF!!!"
(johno21, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:21, Reply)

about 50 people overheard..........
on the long slow commute home one evening
a rather emotional looking lad was sitting opposite me. he was fidgeting around with his mobile phone for about 15 mins obviously waiting for a important call..then it came and what a call....
the lad answered the call with a very anxious sounding 'Jenny?'
when he realised it wasnt 'Jenny' he launched into a rant at the top of his voice that went something like this:
'FUCK YOU PAUL AND THAT FUCKING CUNT BITCH!, NO NO I DONT CARE, YOU ARE A CUNT, SHES A FUCKING CUNT AND A SLAG, FUCK THE PAIR OF YOU!NO I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT, YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD YOU FUCKING NONCE CUNT'

he then hung up the call and promptly burst into tears

priceless
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:21, Reply)

There I was...
...reading a message board, and for no apparent reason some self-centred little charva had taken offence to a legitamate, relavent and short post about my hobby.

One day, he'll grow up.
(minister of heresy, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:21, Reply)

In a pub in Wales
Overheard two lads talking, one starts to tell the story of how his bicycle got filtched (not felched you dirty buggers).
The moment of discovery was related thus (in a loud strong Welsh accent)
"Shit myself do you, and there was my bicycle, gone!"

/wtf?
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:12, Reply)

I was idly
browsing a message board the other day and I overheard/saw two guys chatting about how they were involved in live action role play.

Cunts
(Cock it says kapow!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:10, Reply)

Bully
Just remembered this one...
Me and all my mates used to ride our bikes to school - it was on a big hill (Thrillseekers - what lengths will they go to next?)
Anyway, there was this huge bikeshed where the bikes lived during the day, and there used to be a mad rush at the end of the day to get your bike out first.
This one day, the crowd parted to show two boys from my year at school sizing each other up for a fight. you guessed it, the generic school bully was involved. Following goes like this:
Bully: You want some?
Boy: You want some (etc)
Boy: you better stop saying things about my dad
Bully: Or what?
Boy: Or you better watch your arse mate. you never know who's gonna "come" at you from behind.

Many embarressed looks all round.
saved him from a beating up though
( Goon, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:10, Reply)

While trying not to be british on a beach in Zante...
...we were listening in to some nearby england shirt wearing lobster type family and over heard this...(imagine essex boy accent)

"So Did you see me?
I was spinnin', an' jumin' and goin' really fast
Did you see me?
I did this big turn and I fink I lost it and had to jump off,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I WAS WET!
AMAAAAZIN'!"




The guy had been riding a Jetski at the time.
(Scribble, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:06, Reply)

Nasty residue
My ex-girlfriend Gianna was so petrified about spending Christmas day with my family that I thought it'd be funny to pretend to fall asleep on the sofa and listen as she floundered around in a wanton pool of small-talk with my senile grandmother.
A benile chat about limescale and kettles ended with my nan asking "Gianna, do you ever get fur around your ring?"

I very nearly shat myself.
(pb4ugo2bed, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 14:05, Reply)

Couple on a bus in Bristol
"I loves yer,
I shags yer,
I buys yer chips
and yer still does me 'ead in"
(Attica, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:58, Reply)

Travelling round the Scottish Highlands
stopped at a cafe by the side of a loch surounded by mountains, the whole scene bathed in sunlight. Altogether rather beautiful.

A coach full of pensioners pulled into the carpark and disgorged its load into the caff. The old geezer at the table behind us said to his missus:

"Oooh, look out of the window! You can see the coach!"

The scary thing is that these people are still allowed to vote.
( Safetyfox, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:56, Reply)

i'm a cunt!!!!"
just remembered this one. we were sitting outside the red lion in didsbury for some birthday beers. just having a quiet chat when all of a sudden this bloke on crutches hobbles out into the car park, eagerly chased by his spouse shouting at the top of her head
"i'm a cunt!?! i'm a cunt!?" whilst swinging at him with her handbag.
the sight of the bloke trying to fend her off with his crutches whilst she pronounced her cunt-dom made my day
(sunny chiba, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:56, Reply)

not really overheard, as read
On a friend's screen as he played Everquest.

From Japanese player "You mamma, yes girl la."
( bowdie, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 13:55, Reply)