Intermission at a hockey game in Canada
There were these two drunk guys side by side at the urinals who clearly knew one another. I was towards the back of the queue, and one of these two leaned over to have a look at the other's. He then starts laughing loudly and says "Look at the little pecker on ya!" Of course every man in the room starts laughing including the fellow on the other side of Little Pecker. Little Pecker proceeds to lean over for a look, and comes out with "I don't know about the rest of these guys, but what are YOU laughing at?"

Good clean fun.
(9000, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 22:44, Reply)

The things Nannas say
My Nanna and her sister were engrossed in conversation on a dull Sunday afternoon in my mothers. Their conversation turned to the news the previous night.

Nanna - 'This bloke was driving too fast with no seat belt on, and when he crashed he was decapitated'

Sister - 'Did he die?'

I had tea running out my nose with laughter
( Marillion's Marble Loo loo loo, I got some apples, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 22:36, Reply)

that sounds a bit nasty
I have a whole host of top quotes from Magic: the gathering players at college. i think the best was

'Oh nice! Fungal Bloom!'
(justjuice, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 22:36, Reply)

well, my son..
has his girlfriend over so i said 'yeah, ok but keep the door OPEN!!' so when they both went into the room and closed the door, i smahed open the door and said, "GOTCHA YOUR LITTLE BUGGER!"

he had to break up, they weren't doing the dirty, they were literally doing their homework...poor kid
(Ireul, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 22:35, Reply)

My Teacher Overheard Me...
...saying that Graham (in my class) was an idiot, because he'd been copying from me (I was 8 years old at the time).

The teacher took me to one side and told me it wasn't nice to call people names, and I should just get it all out of my system if I needed to.

So she said, "come on, is there anything else you want to call him?"

"He's a CUNT miss!", I innocently replied :)

I think that was the first time, someone just stared at me open-jawed for a good few minutes.

I already liked Miss McKensie, but this made me like her even more.

(apologies to the Americans*, that I live amongst, for saying cunt, which seems to be the most absolutley terrible word ever to them, although they say "piss" and "pissed" on kids tv programmes and think that's just fine - wel at least I can call people a bollocking wanker without too much trouble).

*I love America, and the Americans. (The food sucks though).
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 22:21, Reply)

near home
In Addiscombe there is a Pizza shop called "Pizza Online"
I just walked past there and the manager and a customer are talking.

Customer: Whats your website address then?
Manager: We're not on the internet
Customer: Why are you called Pizza Online then?
Manager: its a good name
Customer: Pizza Offline more like

He has a point, its pretty stupid if you arent on the net to run an internet pizza deliver company
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 21:54, Reply)

Wierd Local TV
Walked into the room today to see the end of 'Look East'. The presenter feller's final words were:

"If you have any spare time this evening, smile at a pig."
(spatchcock, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 21:54, Reply)

On a bus...coming home from work.
It was a very hot june early evening...the bus was full of very hot comuters. We were travelling through the outskirts of Brum in an area known as God's little acre. Fields, trees numerous bovine entities frolicing. From the front of the bus a young child (5-6ish) pipes up in his rich brummie accent "HEY MUM, LOOK, THAT BULL'S FUCKING THAT COW".
( Attila the Bun is not in a right cunt of a mood, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 21:44, Reply)

the other night....
back from the pub we were saying goodnight to a mate who was driving away,a neighbour had his window open, and the phone kept ringing, he'd answer it go 'Hello?' followed quickly by 'Fuck Off' and the phone being flung down, this happened about half a dozen times and we were pissing ourselves laughing trying hard to not to be noticed.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 21:40, Reply)

Immigration?
I work in Croydon, on my way to work I walk past "Lunar House" the immigration office where all the free houses are given out (ooh political) and in the 1/4 mile que of people there are this group of foreign girls talking, one of them says "we get house, i fuck many man for much dollar, and I buy sport car"

I guess in life you've got to have a dream, but on my way home walking past it again the same girl is there screaming at two security guards and a woman in a suit, guess she talked to the staff about her master plan and got thrown out
haha
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 21:35, Reply)

A few months ago..
I was at home in my flat with my other half, and there's this mumbling noise and talking, we turned the tv off to work out what it was.

The couple in the flat next door were shagging loudly, and after a couple of minutes of us laughing the woman next door started screaming "Graham", which is my name, so on the fourth time she screamed it I shouted "Yes". All of a sudden it was silent.

If we had pissed ourselves laughing any more we would have needed a boat.
Priceless
(wifebeater Funkier than a BinBag of Affro's, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 21:26, Reply)

cocking terrific
I was at college the other day, walking past a small group of hip first year students (the type who play Magic: The Gathering) (no offence) and over heard one of the chaps say, 'If I had 3 million quid Id buy a laser beam' to which one of the girls he was with replied 'A laser beam? Fuck that! Id buy a lot of cock!'

Good for her.
(justjuice, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 21:21, Reply)

What is it?
Heard a neighbour shouting this very early one morning.

1: Dont put it in a jonny, it'll sweat
2: If i dont it'll go all crunchy
1: Well wrap it in something or we're both f£$£ed
2: Ok, but it's not really my responibilty
1: If you wanna some money for it, you f"$"ing sort it out!
(reasonablyfamous, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 21:13, Reply)

Throatage
On a train from Nottingham to London the other Sunday, I found myself sharing a carriage with some gobby cockney girls who were going home after a hen weekend.

One girl was on her mobile and we all overheard her say "Don't be digusting. The only thing that slithered down the back of my throat this weekend was Southern Comfort."
( Sausagegirl, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 21:07, Reply)

Overheard two young girls
One girl said. "Does your daddy have two pee pee's?" Before her shocked friend had time to reply she carried on. "Mine does. One to pee with and one the au pair uses to brush her teeth with".
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 21:05, Reply)

mate of mine was wandering along and only heard a few words of the two people walking towards him
all he heard was the guy say to the girl he was walking with 'I can't believe you take it up the arse!'
( the_fabulous_dancing_yak You like game? You come see 5punk.co.uk. You like!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 20:57, Reply)

Was in Tescos a few years ago
and this young mother was at the checkout paying (as you do). Well, I say paying, I really mean trying to stop her 4 year old child shouting "MUMMY, HURRY I NEED A POOOO!!" at the top of his wee lungs. He then proceeded to run round the checkout area screaming "MUUUUUMMMMYY, NEED A POOOOOOO!!"
I tried not to laugh, I really did, but I thought, In the interests of my own safety, I should release my giggles lest I burst.
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 20:52, Reply)

Not so much heard by me...
...but heard by someone else, about me, then told to me...

Some time ago, I had a rather scruffy beard and long(ish) hair. My iron had also broken, so picture the scene: bloke with long hair, windswept from 10-mile cycle to work, beard, un-ironed shirt.

Young lady was washing her hands in the small kitchen behind the office when one of the office workers starts talking about little old me. "You know that 'Amos Wolfe', he lives in a tree house you know".

Of course, young lady then comes out into the office and asks what they are on about. The person in question then goes on to explain that yes, he lives in a tree house, with no running water, that's why he has a beard, etc.

Of course I was able to explain to the lovely young lady, this was not at all true. This is all without mentioning the *other* rumour which has been circulating at work, rather worryingly by a man almost old enough to be my grandfather. All I can say is "apologies for length" :o)
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 20:44, Reply)

On a bus
in Salford (passing through passing through).
One girl says to her mate: You know McDonalds chips aren't made of potato.
Mate: What are they made of then?
Girl: Dunno. Wheat or summat like that.
(boukha, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 20:41, Reply)

Voicemail
My mum got a voicemail message on her mobile one day and let me hear it. Shes since got rid of it, so I cant remember it all, but the general jist was some very angry woman who had apparently been rather annoyed by another woman. She was swearing her head off, in a Manchestercestershire accent (we live in the south east, so this was a bit different for us) which we found rather funny. She also threatened to beat the poor woman up if she ever saw her again!

Needless to say, we thought it best not to reply and inform said crazy woman about her getting the wrong number. She might come eat our heads. Still, its good to know that even the psychotic make mistakes!
(costie, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 20:29, Reply)

on the bus to some trip to london a few weeeks ago
all of us on the bus where over joyed to hear a wonderfull conversation by some woman on the back seat on the phone who belived every one wanted to hear her conversation. two clasic lines where excreted from her mounth,
1. "there somthing about those soilders that make them all lookalike"
2. "yeh we just passed the tower of london, but its not a tower, its a castle"
(Leroy_slade, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 20:11, Reply)

How interesting...
I overheard fairly recently that around 8 years ago Robbie Williams was having an affair with Stan Collymore. Apparently a fair few people in TV knew about it and were keeping it quite hush hush. Whoops.
(spammygirly, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 20:11, Reply)

my uncle told me this one
he's on holiday in the rhine valley, looking at that big statue of Kaiser Wilhelm when he overhears two american tourists. Huge great big statue on one side, huge great big river on the other, "according to the map this is the Rhine valley," says one "whats a rhine?" says the other, "maybe we should try and get a photo of one, have you seen one?"
( jsut peopel, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 20:03, Reply)

another one from the dorms...
In our dorm rooms at Uni, we had one bathroom betweem every pair of rooms, with doors from each going into it. So one night I was hanging out in the room next to mine, and I head back to my own by way of the bathroom. Through the closed bathroom door I hear my roommate and her bloke talking...

her: "Cuz it'll fuckin' hurt, that's why."
him: "No it won't. Trust me, I've done it before."
her: "Yeah, so you keep saying, but what makes you think she liked it."
him: "Oh, she loved it -- "
her: "Oh, bullshit."
him: "Come on. Most girls like it once they try it."
her: "No way, only guys like it."
him: "I bet Gill [that's my name] likes it..."

At this point I walked in whistling as nonchalantly as I could and they both shut up.
(BlurOfSerenity, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:57, Reply)

Not overheard but overseen...
Me and a mate walking back from High School and talking about Simpsons. I do an impression of the chilli-space-coyote-episode when Homer tries to eat the ice-cream. My mate finds it hilarious and gets me to do it another two times before I figure out why he finds it so funny. There I am with most of my high school around clutching an imaginary ice cream and waggling my tongue like a lunatic. You can guess what it looked like I was simulating.
(Chom, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:43, Reply)

More Phone feature code fun...
It's all coming flooding back to me...

An amusing feature of our 'meridian' internal phone system was a feature that allowed you to page a telephone extension but you could also hear their reply without them having to accept the call.

This feature was announced to the recipient with a loud 'Beep' and a reminder tone every 30 seconds or so... Unfortunately on this particular occasion the recipient had not heard the phone behind him go off.

One lunchtime we were sitting in my colleagues office and had put him up to his favourite trick of dialling a female colleague on the floor below and making a loud farting noise down the handset.. then waiting for the suitably amused/disgusted response.

On one occasion my friend gesticulated to us wildly to come over as he put his phone on hands-free.

It seems that our female friend was being an agony-aunt for her fat and ugly male colleague and they were sat away from the phone that had now become our unwitting eavesdropping device.
I can't remember the details of the discussion they were having other than the disturbingly distinct announcement,

"You know I've never come inside of a woman."

At times like this we would have usually made some sort of announcement that we'd just heart this but for some reason my friend just hit the cancel call button and we just sat in stunned silence at the rather disturbing insight we'd just been party to. The guy was 26 ffs.

We never did figure out whether he meant he'd never had sex, had never managed to deliver his dirty little load or had only ever bumped uglies with another man but he did end up marrying a rather rotund woman who my friend christened 'the mole lady'
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:41, Reply)

Don't mess with a Glaswegian mama
... In Glasgow, a large and youngish woman was yelling at her little boy, who had a glum and defiant look on his face. She then gives him a hard slap on his bottom. The female of an older German couple nearby can't help herself and says to the mother, "In Germany we do not hit our children!" To this, the mother replies, "Well in Scotland, we don't gas our Jews!"

Glaswegians...
(nordicapollo, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:41, Reply)

Bloody American's
I had just had a haircut in windsor, hence there were thousands of bloody foreigners all over the place. I was walking past an fcuk shop and i heard an "Oh my god!" i turned round and it was some lard arse yankee. He carried on..."It says fuck oh my god!" Then his wife informed him that it said fcuk...twat. I started pissing myself laughing so they turned round..the yank knew i was laughing at him so i just turned around and walked off..still pissing myself

Sorry 4 shittyness
(homochicken, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:37, Reply)

I once overheard
my dad begging my mom for oral sex in the early hours of the morning. thankfully, he didn't get any.
(sponch!, Thu 10 Jun 2004, 19:31, Reply)