the iceman cometh
this was a good few years back now, but during the heady days of lazy studentism me and all my mates headed back home over the winter break. being the first to arrive back at the insanly cold bungalow we all shared i wacked on the electrics and heating then realised i needed a dump. sat down (apart from the cold seat) all was fine until the said object landed with a 'flump'. the whole water system had frozen leaving a steaming turd on a tiny iced lake in the toilet bowl. the next question to enter your mind of course being 'now what the fuck am i supposed to do with this'. as the house proceeded to warm up over the next few hrs all the pipes burst and we were flooded out for good, so at least i never had to tidy it up (homelessnesss was almost a relief compared to that task).
(H666, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 12:23, Reply)

Bloody cat
around 6 months ago my better half took a shine to one of the local strays, a pretty enough cat (if you like that kinda thing)but was completely ferral, you couldnt touch the thing for fear of losing a limb or 2

Things started out ok.. the cat was fed in the garden and made a dash for cover anytime i got too close to it. As time progressed the cat would allow you to pet it but was very unpredictable and would turn on you for no apparent reason. then when summer came and the weather warmed up, we had the back door open during the day the cat started exploring the house a little..

It was a sunny saturday morning, i woke up in bed alone, dragged my corpse downstairs to find a note saying that the Mrs and kids had gone to town, so i engoy a rare moment of having the house to myself... i went to the bathroom to takecare of morning ablutions all is right in the world peace and quiet, a read of the paper and a good dump..

The bliss was shattered by a howl hithertwo unheard by humanity and pain like i had never felt... the fucking cat had violently assaulted my bare legs whilst i was on the bog, a violent and completely unprovoked attack, my legs wer scratched and bitten to ribbons and blood pissed everywhere. The worst of it was the little fecker took full advantage of the fact that i was blinkered by the news paper and didnt see it approach.

Enter stage left the Mrs and kids... Oh how we laughed.. for about 10 seconds until i told them i wass gonna off the fucking cat

Well that was some time ago and the cat now sits on the Mrs's chair arm every evening lucking at me with the smuggest look on its face you can imagine
(Ickypimp, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 12:21, Reply)

Im scared of my toilet....
It has a big masher machine in it which er...mashes up everything so it can be squeesed out into a lickle pipe into the outside world...you are not supposed to put ANYTHING in it sept bog roll and human waste :) my bf had a nasty bout of food poisoning, and i forgot to inform him not to put baby wipes down the loo.. it breaks it... well it hasnt broken yet but it makes really scary noises... im living in fear of it blowing up and destroying my bathroom.. im sad :(
(Salbo_baggins, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 12:16, Reply)

Misuse
I work in the design and engineering centre for a car manufacturer. Recently, the following notices have been attached to the walls of the toilets:

'There has been evidence of misuse of these toilet facilities. Any employee found to be misusing the toilet facilities will be subject to disciplinary action. Regular audits will be made'

It's produced some quite heated debates in the office as to what this 'misuse' refers to - we haven't a clue...
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 11:58, Reply)

Another gig story
Went to a gig not too long ago, and it being a new kind of experience for me, a friend advised me to drink beforehand, as the drinks there would be really expensive.

Apparently it's not such a good idea to drink a whole bottle of Vodka in a 15 minute car journey (wasnt driving!). However i dont remember much of that night, due to the aforementioned liquid refreshement that I had drunk. The only thing I can remember is getting very well acquainted with one toilet for the entire night, and being the mysterious person that was lurking there. I never left it until it was time to go. £8 that night cost me!
( Trijian, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 11:30, Reply)

Teeny Tiny French Bangers & Porta Loos are ace
It was the summer of '99 and as a youngster I was quite the sports woman, regularly travelling to competitions around the country. This creates a stupendous amount of boredom, causing my team mates and I to come up with various ways to entertain ourselves...

Picture a Port-a-loo. You've got it? Ok, on top there is a little pipe that goes down into the tank below, to what I believe helps release some of the rancid smell. Having been at this Comp for over 3 days, the loos were rather similar to those at Reading Festival (eek!) Cue us youths thinking that a great way to 'help' the situation would be to drop 3 bangers down the pipe directly into the tank.

Oh the hilarity!

Three days of shite and piss all up the sides and over the ceiling of the loo, literally dripping onto the floor.

Yes, this did make me spew. But absolutely totally and utterly worth it.
( Argh. There be scallys in the ranks., Mon 5 Sep 2005, 11:27, Reply)

Amsterdam Toilet Fun
In Amsterdam they have these disgusting gents’ urinals that go straight into the canals. There is always a good inch of piss covering the floor and you can see into them.
travelpete.com/gfx/lifestyle/bathrooms/dutch-public-urinal-toilet.jpg

During New Year celebrations the streets are awash with fireworks and lot of entertainment can be gained from throwing firecrackers into the toilets when they are full of wasted tourists. People will finish up really quickly and get out, for the unlucky ones there is a loud bang followed by a filthy piss shower.
I love Amsterdam.
( toadfish, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 11:20, Reply)

Theese Arn`t My Knickers
Girls always got to the loo together so theres me and my mate and I go to the loo and I exclaim in my drunken state aand at the top of my voice...

`Blooody Helll theese aren`t my knickers`

In my drunken state I`d forgotten that I`d got ready at my friends house and borrowed a pair of hers as I`d not brought any!!

Good job I was too drunk to be bothered the embarassment!!
(Smumps, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 11:15, Reply)

t' bogs
I used to work for Reuters in the Installations department based on City Rd in London. We had a toilet where there was a phantom bogey picker who would pick his nose and deposit said bogage on the wall diectly in front of the pisser. Now, one day we came in to work to find that the khasi had been decorated over the weekend, and the lazy mingebucket painters had painted straight over the bogeys leaving a faux "woodchip" effect on the urinal wall. Perhaps in years to come "Time Team" will be able to use DNA technology to discover more about primitive Reuters technicians and their nose picking.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 11:09, Reply)

Message
On a wall infront of the urinals somewhere i cant remember...

"Your future is in your hands"
(Ashen, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 11:03, Reply)

Lewes - East Sussex
So there I was, long LONG drive down from 't North and needed a dump before meeting the client.

Found a public bog near railway station.

Couple of furtive characters, dive into cubicle, lock door, turn around to see.....

about 12 porn pictures stuck to the walls.

Suffice to say, didn't take long and didn't linger in there to even wash hands (I did as soon as poss after..)

Never been so nervous in my life.
(The real vlad the impala, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 10:57, Reply)

Japanese toilets
toothless tiger:
Japan's squatters are the nicest I've seen, for squatters. All the ones I saw were kept clean and always had toilet paper. The ones in Korea are far filthier, and it's just assumed that the user will bring his own paper. China is even worse.

And I remembered another one:

When I was really young, my younger sister came to the kitchen and asked my mom for a glass. She asked why, and my sister wanted it so she could drink out of the toilet like I was already happily doing.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 10:55, Reply)

pizza hut poo stitch up...
After having overindulged at our local pizza hut, me and two other mates realized we all needed to drop the kids off at the pool and, anticipating a lack of cubicle facilities, promptly raced to the lavs.

On our arrival, Alex took the one solitary shitter, leaving myself and Dave to form an orderly queue.

Now...many people would just get on with their business and leave, allowing others full use of the facilities...
not our Alex - he decides that this is a good time to start telling jokes, recounting stories of poos from days gone by, and generally being a disgusting bastard.

during a pause for breath, a complete stranger enters and joins the queue, and with a quick conspiritorial glance Dave and I quietly leg it back to our table to muse on the possible consequences of Alex striking up a conversation with his new "friend".


About 10 minutes later, he emerges; face red with embarrassment and a look of pure hate in his eyes.

He'd been merrily chatting away the entire time, steadily lowering the tone to ever decreasing depths until he flushed and exited the cubicle with a climatic:

"It's a good job this toilet isn't full of blood now!"


oh how we laughed - the fool!

baz

btw: on a side note, if listening to flowing water helps you make pee-pee, would the sounds of James Blunt help you poo?

He is such utter shite
(barrythief, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 10:54, Reply)

two quickies
years ago a friend was at a school formal all tuxed up he goes back to his dates house and proceeds to roger her senseless, walks back towards our local to regale us with his tales of heroism, on the way he goes to jump a puddle, halfway over it he farts and as he lands follows through. huge guinnessey badness all over his rented tuxedo.

my own favourite was going the most god-zwful nite club in portrush on a monday night after a guinness and cider fuelled day, in the middle of the dancefloor i needed to evacuate so i went to the bogs, like the clean living soul I am and dropped my keks and forced out some of the vilest looking sludge imaginable, looked round for some shite wipe only to be disappointed-only one thing fo it, off with the socks.
horrid memories
(doltage, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 10:41, Reply)

Our old Works Toilet
had seen it's fair share of action. One member of staff had trapped a log the size of...well a log in the U-bend and it took two members of staff an hour to break it up and flush away...I can still hear the screams.

Anyhows, there was a small window in this small cubicle toilet, and as a result the toilet door was fitted with a bolt OUTSIDE the door, to prevent burgulars from getting in. A bit odd, as it meant that anyone could get locked in, but could not lock themselves in for privacy.

So it hit the summer, and we had a YTS boy who started work with us. Nice enough kid, and also one of my neighbours (lived a few doors down from me, and not related to last weeks compo). We had a bit of history with winding up YTS boys; ie sending them on stupid errands like buying the really big suppositries from chemists, or hiding their lunch etc the usual crap. This time though, we decided to lock him in the toilet, and slid the bolt closed very quietly, as to not disturb him while he releaved himself. We went back to the shop floor about 15 yards away, and then heard the screams. Not "Cmon lads, let me out", oh no. More like "Fucking arrrrrggghhhhhh!" and banging the door, really fucking hard. We found this hilarous, and managed to leave him out there for 45 minutes before the boss finally decided to leave him out. His face resembled a Ribenna baby, he was that purple with rage. But instead of going at us, he grabbed his stuff and walked out of the shop.

I thought that because he was my neighbour, I'd better call around his house to see how he was that night. Oh fuck. Only turns out that the little twat was highly claustrophobic, and we'd given him a mini-nervous breakdown. Cue 4 hours of apologising etc and giving everyone a bollocking in work the next day, while trying not to laugh.

We locked him in the window display the next day, left a sign on the shop window saying "Do not feed the Grizzly". Those were the days.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 10:36, Reply)

a couple of years ago
me and my mate went to a local shopping centre to get some trainers. i needed a dump, and he needed a piss, so we went to the only public toilet that wasn't in one of the food outlets. there were three cubicles, and the one in the middle was taken, so i went in the one on the right. my mate had a piss, then went to wash his hands in the sinks which were opposite the cubicles.

i had the dump, then came out and he said "here, this'll make you laugh, look" and gestured towards the other empty cubicle. Somebody, no idea who, had curled out a massive turd, it was both long AND thick, but they'd done it actually on the back of the seat (seat was down) and not in the bowl. Lovely.

Also, a different mate of mine went in a pub toilet and saw a tramp trying to have a shit into a urinal. beautiful :)
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Mon 5 Sep 2005, 10:19, Reply)

Senior School Tales
Whilst in year 10 at school, i was busting for a piss, so i ran into the nearest bog which was used mainly by year 7's. This resulted in it always being a complete fucking mess, with piss on the floor etc. As i get stage fright, i tend to stick to the cubicles for my business, and did indeed use one this time. The first cubicle i walk into, i was greeted by the worst smell i had ever encountered in my young life, which made me gag. What was it you ask? Well someone had shat themselves quite forcefully inside there own trollies, and abandoned them inside the toilet, without even a courtesy flush. It really did put me off going in that toliet ever again. I then left and told everyone i met to take a look inside there for a surprise, in which one person actually visited the site and vomited in the toilet with the shitty pants. I do not envy the cleaner, i tell you!

No apologies for girth.
(nickanytime, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 9:57, Reply)

portaloo
Not me, not actually anything to do with me, but a good story from a year after I left uni.

I was at St Andrews in Scotland. This place takes itself very seriously and really thinks it's Oxbridge material, hence a poncey (and shit) May ball, organised by a bunch of toff cunts called the KK.

So the main organiser of the ball is there, enjoying his festivities, when he finds himself needing the loo, so nips off to one of a bank of many portaloos. He locks himself in there and starts his business. Now people had seen this, for want of a better word, 'cunt' going into the bog and hatched a cunning plan.

While he was in there, they ran up to it and pushed it over so that it landed with the door on the ground, leaving him incapable of getting out, and, more humourously, getting covered in all the chemical shit from the toilet.

Oh how I laughed when I heard this story.

I've never apologised before, and it's not going to happen now. And by the way, the female orgasm's a myth too.
(Mong-the-Merciful, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 9:30, Reply)

down the flusher
Before a big night out I was feeling a little nervous, to the point of nausea. I rushed to the toilet to throw up. Feeling a little worse for wear I flushed it all away. Only to instantly regret it. Something was missing. Now what was it? I liked my lips. My front tooth. My false front tooth. It had fallen out while I threw up. And I had flushed it down the toilet. I couldn't go out now. I felt incomplete. I had looked forward to this night for months.

A trip to the dentist provided me even more misery. It would take 2 weeks for a new one to be made and would cost $600. So I walked around for a week missing my front tooth - all I needed was prison tatts to complete the look.
(toothless tiger, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 8:54, Reply)

Was at...
the local agricultral fair. Sounds crap but sitting outside the cider tent all day, a good time is had by all.

Anyway a friend of mine, she's a laaaaiiiiiiidy don't you know, announces in her rather cidered up state that she's off for a piss. She returns about ten minutes later with a soaking wet skirt, giggling inanely. Turns out she sat on the seat forgeting to lift the lid, started pissing, realised her error, but was too pissed to stop.

Amused the fuck out of me for the rest of the day.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 8:48, Reply)

a quickie
mate of mine used to be a plumber before he decided to engage in mature studentness.

anyhoo, says he got a call out to a blocked crapper this one day, a blockage of such proportions that all his 15 years in the job couldn't shift.

through a combination of skill & guile however, he coaxed a richard of epic propotions from beyond the u bend.

his description of it will go to my grave with me......."it was like ET's neck".
(davidblunkettsdogblankets, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 8:47, Reply)

Another one
just remembered another little episode, A few years back now and whilst training in the gym one day I was overcome with urge, and this was instant mind, to have a huge dump. Not wanting to do an away fixture I decided to bake it till I got back home which would be at least 2 hours later. Rushed home with all the speed I could muster and not looking like I had a broken arse, got home, dropped um in one fluid motion (no pun intended)only to find nothing forthcoming??? but about a minute later the worlds longest (and perhaps smelliest) fart erupted from my bumhole. It must have lasted a good minute and a half, but still no dumpage. This carried on for a couple of days until I decided it was time to break out the laxitives, turns out they aren't the best things to take when you have internal bleeding
(Rinky dink pink, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 8:38, Reply)

When I was a kid in the Boy Sprouts...
...we went on camp in the Trossachs (in the wilds of Scotland). I was put on toilet emptying duty, which I later learnt involved digging a pit for people to piss in and emptying the chemical toilet when it got full.

The problem is that it had been a really dry summer and the ground was way too hard for us to be bothered digging a propper crap-pit using woggles and flags, so we tried emptying the chemical bucket in the river, downstream of the camp. Unfortunately, the river had a backcurrent, so half an hour later, the turds and toilet paper drifted back past the camp where the rest of the kids were swimming. Nice.

Next bucketful, we decided to take to Aberfoyle and get rid of it there. The idea was that we'd trickle a bit at a time into the public toilets, flushing in-between until all was gone. Such a nice idea...

Quick check to make sure noone was around, sneaked the bucket into the toilets and gently slide one "portion" into the bowl...*SPLASH*...the whole lot slid in, filling the bowl absolutely to the brim with 3 days' worth of scout poo. We legged it.

Still, better than the previous year when someone emptying the shit bucket accidentally dropped it in the middle of the activities field...and there it remained all week, flies and all.

Classy.
(daern, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 8:35, Reply)

The paradox of Japanese toilets
One of the paradoxes of Japan is that it has both the worst and the best toilets in the world.

They are either primitive squat toilets or western style toilets with heated seats that play music to cover any noises you make.
(toothless tiger, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 8:28, Reply)

never the same again
Whilst trying to make some money as an impoverished student a few years back I took a summer job working in the warehouse of a very well known DIY store. This place was HUGE with around 500+ people working there and only 10 traps between us and come dinner time it was a race to get in one. Anyway, one day I dropped lucky due to being a bit of a raciing snake and managed to get into trap 1 quite sharpish, but some monster had managed to beat me to it. Just about to drop the old trollys when I saw the worlds biggest jobby laid out on top of the cistern!! someone was so impressed with this leviathon that they had fished it out of the depths by hand! and as a final flourish they had stuck a little note in it 'FOUND, ONE BROWN SHOE SIZE 12'

Genius
(Rinky dink pink, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 8:28, Reply)

Arse Symphony
After a night of narcotics and dancing at a club i got home at 6am and needed to go for a dump. I had gone with a mate who was vegitating in the lounge and my missus was in bed as she didn't go.

Anyway having a shite and I let out a ripping fart, like you do sometimes. Then another ripping fart came out....... no poo. Then I kid you not for about 20 mins all I did was rip out the loudest farts non stop without having a dump. Imagine the sounds of extra loud farts eching in a toilet bowl at 6am and you can imagine how loud and offensive it sounded. My missus got woken up by the sounds as they passed through doors and walls and my mate was banging on the door thinking i was dying.

Probably one of my most embarrassing toilet moments ever.
(manny fagnet, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 8:24, Reply)

Xiahe
While holidaying in China I stayed in a remote village (the village with 5 walls) in the Sangke grasslands near Xiahe.

The toilet was at the entrance to the house. It was a hole in the ground with with straw in it, with a wooden plank over it to squat on and a short wooden wall to protect your modesty. A donkey kept you company while you did your business.

It was one of the cleaner toilets in the region. The public toilets were nasty. They were just a concrete block with a hole for the toilet. There were dividing walls between the toilet at hip height but no door.
And of course they smelt really, really bad.
(toothless tiger, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 8:19, Reply)

When I were at college...
Training to be the plumber I am now, We used to have to use these underground toilets with no natural light.
They were pretty scary places as the Croydon hoods tended to hang out just outside the door(?)

Anyway.. I had this dump once and I saw a dashed line on the cubicle door with the words 'Follow this line' at the end. Whilst sitting on the bog I followed this line with my eyes for about 5 mins, up and down, around the back, under the toilet and finally, up and out of the cubicle via the ceiling.
I wiped up and flushed, then proceded to follow this line around the bogs (they were quite big so it took a while) - the line actually went out the door to the hall for a bit and then back in.

Finally about 10 mins later I followed the line to under the wash basin expecting something amazing and it said in writing so small i had to squint... 'cunt'

So that was nice.
( Terry Nutkins, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 8:04, Reply)

a few
I've had a few experiences, being afflicted with ulcerative colitis and living in Korea, whose unsanitary toilets are almost as bad as those in China and India.

1) When I first got here, the water pipes froze over a long weekend and the thing was backed up for five days. I tried not to use it, but sometimes I had no choice. By the end, it was clogged up with more crap and toilet paper than you could imagine. Still, it hadn't overflowed.

The landlords instructed me that I should not put toilet paper down the toilet. Apparently the custom here is to save it in little bags next to the toilet. I don't know if they're saving it for a reason. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that my toilet was clogged because the water pipes froze, not because of toilet paper. To this day I flush all my toilet paper.

2) I have a faint memory from about grade 1 when everyone was going into the washroom after gym class, and in through the first doors, a girl turned to me and said "You're going into the wrong washroom." So I went out and went to the other one. But how could I have made this mistake? I have the theory that I dreamt it and it came back to me as a memory.

3) We had one kid in our elementary school who would piss standing way back from the urinal. The story goes that someone once didn't understand what he was doing, and stepped in front of him to use the urinal while it was already in use.

4) One time I met my girlfriend after work, and she was already wasted. I had to carry her home and put her to sleep, then I went out again drinking with my friends. I came back several hours later, crawled into bed, and then began barfing. I did my best to clean it, but I didn't get it all. Next morning, my girlfriend assumed it was her fault and cleaned it all without telling me. I just got engaged to her.

5) At the local watering hole back him my hometown, my friend Dustin walked into the women's washroom. He had a lovely ability he wanted to show off--he pulled one of his female friends into a stall, whipped out his unit, and then proceeded to auto-fellate himself in front of her. She screamed so loud, one of her friends climbed over the partition to see what was going on.

Also, if you ever need a quick hump in a public washroom, look for the handicapped stall. Usually you'll get your own room, it'll be big, and there's a solid door rather than just a partition.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 7:57, Reply)

When I was 18
Living in Hong Kong, I was seeing this girl. One evening drinking in a bar, my hormones were raging & I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere quiet. Led her into the toilet & started shagging. Heard my mate outsined asking the growing queue if anyone had seen me.

After we had finished the girl asked if I would mind waiting for a few minutes after she left to make it less obvious, no problem. Then I walked out through the bar which errupted in a round of applause. A great moment for my ego!
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Mon 5 Sep 2005, 6:53, Reply)