Want to surprise your pornstars?
Want to get that porn face whilst having a truly spectacular money shot? Use garlic sauce in place of jizz: it looks just the same, you can have huge amounts of it, plus imagine the hilarity when someone swallows it or gets some in their eye!
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:42, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Can't afford silver polish?
an ordinary eraser can be used to brighten up tarnished silver
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 9:56, Reply)

leg management
Avoid having both your legs blown off in Afghanistan by not joining the army.
(xwoody01, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 8:33, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Accidentally misaddressed a text to the one person it shouldn't go to?
Flip the battery out before it sends. Reboot into flight mood, go into the outbox and delete it. Reboot again into normal mode and hopefully there will be nothing in the outbox or the sent messages!

(Well, it worked for me on a Sony Ericsson last night anyway.)
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:34, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Sports fan but can't afford Sky Sports?
If you want to watch football etc but can't afford Sky or are stuck at work, you can watch loads of live stuff on this site.www.myp2p.eu

You need to download a couple of apps to allow the channels to broadcast (Sopcast and TVAnts are probably the most commonly used clients by the various channels). The beginners guide explains all this for you.

It is pc only I am afraid, but I booted my mac into bootcamp and did it that way. Failing that, go to the pub and watch it there.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:12, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ballistic nail clippings?
Put a carrier bag over your foot and cut the nails inside. The bag catches the clippings and you can just put the whole lot straight in the bin.
(kebabking - salad and garlic mayo pls, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 12:05, Reply)

GENERIC TIP FOR ROBOTS

while [ $CONDITION_IS_DESIRABLE = false ] ; do
  function $OPPOSITE_CONDITION
done

AND SO ON AND SO ON AND SO ON...

( chart cat has an itch, Sun 20 Sep 2009, 5:42, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Banknote fun

Step One: Using your preferred method, collect some human spunk.

Step Two: Using a small paint-brush, write the message of your choice, or a simple design on a banknote.

Step Three: After waiting for the 'invisible ink' to dry, put the note back into circulation.

Step Four: Some poor bugger presents the note somewhere where a UV light is used and the message is revealed.

This method could also be used by the more mischievous of you to adorn your friends' clothes before heading for a nightclub that uses UV light.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 11:29, 14 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you and your boss get into a huge argument, and he tells you if you don't like it and there's the door
Think before you go through it.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 5:35, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Have you been sacked whilst being racist in a conservatory?
The get hammered and throw up whilst in labour
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 13:55, Reply)

House of Commons Sports Day organisers
Bored of the usual Conservative Sack-Race, Labour Party Hammer-Throw and UKIP High-Jump? Add a Liberal Dash to etc.
(costas, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 11:46, Reply)

of a similar vein
Add a liberal dash to your morning routine and you're less likely to miss the bus to work.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 11 Sep 2009, 12:43, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

[FOOD 'A']
Add a liberal dash of [FOOD 'B'] to [FOOD 'A'] to improve the flavour considerably.
Where
[FOOD 'A'] = food you don't like
[FOOD 'B'] = food you like.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Fri 11 Sep 2009, 2:43, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Worcestishire sauce
add a liberal dash of bean juice to improve the flavour considerably.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 19:47, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Beans
Add a liberal dash of Worcestershire Sauce to baked beans to improve the flavour considerably.
(TheColonel, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 16:28, Reply)

Cold Calling
Irritated by cold callers?

When you answer just say "This phone is registered with the Telephone Preference Service" and 9 times out of 10 they'll hang up immediately.

You can sign up properly for it here which should stop the calls altogether
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 8:11, Reply)

Your partner has promised you
a blow-job with all the trimmings. You've had a bath and have set about your glans with the abrasive side of the sponge but are paranoid that she'll still detect the faint traces of the wank you had that morning (that you wouldn't have had if you knew what you were getting that evening).

Simply rinse the end of you penis with mouthwash for minty freshness. Don't use neat mouthwash as your member will take on the appearance of an angry bodybuilder. With high blood pressure. Exposed to the vacuum of space.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 7 Sep 2009, 11:27, Reply)

Reading a QOTW post that has been enjoyed by many but may contain some punctuation errors?
THEN DON'T FUCKING TELL ALL AND SUNDRY ABOUT THE ERRORS. PEDANTIC LITTLE SNIDEY CUNTS. JUST BECAUSE YOUR AN ANAL CUNT WHO PROBABLY DATE-ROTATES THEIR UNDERWEAR, PLEASE DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO VENT YOU'RE FRUSTRATIONS ON ANYONE ELSE. NOW FUCK OFF!!

Edit: It's staying in uppercase as i want to shout.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sun 6 Sep 2009, 15:36, 19 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Sly fart? About to register in an uncomfortable situation? Got a lighter?
Avoid any embarrestment by setting fire to your leg hairs.

Not only does it block the smell of shit with the potent smell of rotten flesh, but will also impress your girlfriend/employer/etc.
(PassTheKhat, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 15:19, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Berocca drinkers. Ever stand around watching it desolve wishing it'd hurry up so you can devour its orangey goodness?
Simply break it into quarters (over the glass is best) before dropping it in. The increased surface area will make it desolve in a quarter of the time.
( riverghost servicing your mum since, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 10:59, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ladies
Despite what the Macc Lads think, it's much easier if you pull your knickers down first *then* spread your legs.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 17:15, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Female? Lonely? Heart of Gold but Unlucky in Love?
You ugly. Have a shave for Christ's sake.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Thu 3 Sep 2009, 16:14, Reply)

Users of the London Tube
You can make a brilliant job of enraging fellow passengers by waiting until you get to the turnstile before uttering "Oh fuck" under your breath and deciding that now would be a good time to search through your pockets and hand luggage for your Oyster card whilst at the same time blocking the queue of people trying to get to fucking work.

You cunt.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 3 Sep 2009, 12:32, Reply)

Don't EVER start playing GemCraft.
Seriously. It is more addictive than a heroin-laced full Irish breakfast and a gentle full-body massage by someone you're madly in love with, put together.
Oh, and it will ruin your days, weeks, months, and ultimately your life. Just DON'T.

Gotta go, next wizard level is soooo close...
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 9:34, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Got one of those suitcases on wheels?
Don't stop right at the top of the escalator while you faff about with the handle, thus causing a pile up of everyone else who can't get past.

You cock.

And if your suitcase on wheels is small enough so as to be so invisible that i nearly kill myself tripping over the cunting thing when you cut across my path, it's probably light enough to carry.

You utter cock.
( spesh., Thu 3 Sep 2009, 0:09, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Need to sterilise your hands and don't have any sterilising hand-gel to hand?
then simply use mouthwash!
most are alcohol based, and they leave your hands minty fresh!
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Wed 2 Sep 2009, 20:22, Reply)

Ladies!
Everyone knows that if a gentleman shaves his pubic region it creates the illusion of his Johnny Todger being bigger than it really is. Why, then, do you all insist upon shaving your mimsies? Do you want us gents to think you have massive cunts love tunnels?
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Wed 2 Sep 2009, 2:35, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Can't think of a joke that's even remotely sick?
Steal some MLIA posts instead.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Tue 1 Sep 2009, 22:30, Reply)