Shagged the bridesmaid
I was the bride's brother and she had her bridesmaids over for the night before. Obviously being a sexually frustrated 16 year old one of the bridesmaids (19) took me under her wing (literally) and proceeded to let me shag her all over the house at 4 am, including on top of the washing machine, on three couches, on the living room floor and then again the next night when I had to escort her to her room for being drunk.

Oh happy days!
(Moz, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 13:54, Reply)

Not a Dad's proudest moment
At a family wedding our 2 year old daughter climbs on the bride's lap at the dining table for a kiss and hug.

Gets down to reveal large shit stain on bride's dress.

I thought I was going to be sick from embarrassment.
(tell me about the rabbits, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 13:52, Reply)

So many but
About 5 friends and I were invited to a mate's wedding in Bedford.
We'd all arrived an hour early, found the church and, fortunately, to pass the time there was a pub very close by.
Four pints of Bombadier later, we stagger our way to the church and take our pews.
The Bridal March strikes up and enter the bride, whom none of us had met before that day.
She was rather on the chubby side, done up in a Victorian style wedding dress with her hair in a bun.
"Fuck me," quoth my mate Marie, "It's Queen Victoria!"
Cue gales of none too well suppressed drink-fueled laughter and dirty looks of the rest of the congregation.

Edit - Fast forward to my own wedding some years later when the same bunch of mates are in attendance. As there was a gap between the civil ceremony and church blessing, they'd spent the time wisely at the local beer festival.
The wife had chosen "All Things Bright and Beautiful" as one of the hymns and as verse 3 was sung there was the clearly audible lyric of "The purple-headed monster" instead of "mountain".... which set me giggling like a loon.
(Doctor Evil, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 13:35, Reply)

Fight!
You can't have a decent wedding unless there's a fight, especailly if it's a shotgun wedding between two families who would happily kill each other given half the chance.

So, the wife's sex-crazed uncle manages to get the office slapper (some thirty years his junior) up the duff, and he's forced up the aisle for the second time in his life.

The reception goes off with an undercurrent of barely repressed aggression, which gets worse when the bride's gluttonous family clears the entire buffet within five minutes.

Then, the disco, and the unfortunate drunken pummelling of somebody's granny. The two sides came together like the armies at Stalingrad, and the youth club floor swam with blood.

It took three coppers to nail the bride's mum, and a set of false teeth sat unclaimed in the middle of the dance floor.

And the music played on: "Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon..."

Best. Wedding. Ever.

Length/girth ratio maintained.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 13:25, Reply)

Example 3: My wedding
Actually, it was a great day, sorry to have wasted your time.

OK, then, but it's not that funny.

I am fortunate that Mrs Throbbe shares my view that weddings are generally a futile exercise in trying to prove that money can buy you class. Therefore, we did a nice simple registry do with close family. The one thing we did really deliberate over was music, as it's something that's very important to me.

The piece we'd chosen for Mrs T to walk in to (NMA's Sleepwalking) is a nice acoustic guitar/violin instrumental. I'd suggested that she enters the room at a particular key change. Since Mrs T doesn't do music we rehearsed. After several failed attempts we noted down how long the song should be playing for before she entered.

On the day the music starts and Mrs T checks her watch. Meanwhile, I am trying to frantically signal to the registrars assistant that not only is it the wrong CD, but it's also jumping like buggery. Clearly she thought that we wanted some extreme gabba hardcore as our wedding music. After what seemed an eternity I left my place, changed the CD and returned.

Mrs T meanwhile is so nervous that she's just been staring at her watch and not even hearing what was going on, and walks in just as the correct song starts. Ten seconds later it is faded out again as she is next to me.

See, not really important.

I suppose if you really want to stretch it my friend being off work for a day after overenthusiastic air guitar playing at the reception is quite amusing. I suspect that's not the reason he gave when he rang in sick.
(Throbbe, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 13:14, Reply)

Example 2: Cousins weddings
Can we take the 'purple headed mountain' giggling as read?

OK. Cousin and husband met while attending Napier Uni, so many of the wedding guests and indeed the grooms family were young-ish Scots. In fact, on the stag night there were only 3 people from south of the border. I have to say it was a cracking night out, but as some of the scots got louder the inevitable abuse started. Some time towards the evening after yet another jibe one of the other english revellers mentioned that Braveheart was a great film, to general approval. He pointed out that he loved a film with a happy ending to somewhat less approval.

3 people were left behind by the coach to find their way home around 40 miles away. Care to hazard a guess at their nationality?

The wedding was reasonably flawless apart from the cake being dropped while being carried into the hall, and the most shambolic best mans speech ever. I have no idea to this day where it was going, but after opening pleasantries it became a story about the groom and best man shagging some girls from Manchester they met on holiday. The embarrased slack jawed silence got deeper and deeper as the story went on until the bride told him to "Shut up, for Gods sake".

Still happily married btw.
(Throbbe, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 13:01, Reply)

Sisters Wedding
3 years ago, my lil sis got married. Our dad had passed away a number of years ago, so i well chuffed to be giving her away.

So later on, after the evening guests had arrived, and the drink was flowing (scottish wedding, y'know), one of grooms relatives decided to have a go on of the ushers in the loo, and while mothing off at him nutted him. Luckaly he never hit the nose and it was just forheads that made contact. Needles to say, the usher didn't want to say anything to ruin my sisters big day... But we found out, queue me, my best mate and couple of others burly lads in kilts following the twat on his next trip to the toilet... ;-)

..needless to say he was very sorry and made his excuses and left..after his nose stopped bleeding..ahem..

the bride and groom have never heard about this incedent.
(Jamsie, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 12:57, Reply)

I could write a book ...
Instead I shall divide into a few posts.

Example 1: Mate from Uni's wedding.

I got drunk.

Now, I know that this is a common theme, but I got REALLY drunk. It's hard to say what was the most embarrasing thing.

Was it being almost alone on the dancefloor, pretending to be one of the Spice Girls to Wannabe (I was 14 stone and had a beard at the time)? Sadly, I was that drunk I thought everyone was staring at me because I was such a great dancer. This inspired me to greater efforts.

Was it projectile vomiting from the dancefloor, through the dining room, up the stairs, across the landing and into the toilet, where I coated the walls? Drinking several bottles of red meant that the new carpets at the rather swanky golf club were stained so badly they couldn't be cleaned and had to be replaced.

Was it talking to the DJ who had been instructed by the Bride's parents to pack up early due to some drunken oaf barfing everywhere? As well as being fairly large and beardy, I am also white. Very white. For some reason huge quantities of red wine seemed to make me think otherwise, and not only did I finish every sentance with a slurred "You know what I'm saying?", but I consistently refered to the coloured DJ as "My Nigga". Fortunately, he seemed to find this more funny than offensive.

No, it was none of these very embarrasing things. It was the fact that the next day I was giving the grooms elderly grandmother a lift home, yet had no idea where she was. After several phonecalls I eventually traced her to the brides parents house, where I had to pick her up. They were far more gracious then I had any right to expect.

I'd like to say I've never been drunk at a wedding since, but I'd be lying.
(Throbbe, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 12:51, Reply)

cousins wedding
I was forced to attend my cousin's wedding last september, the day after i had moved into my new flat. Being very tired, irritable and annoyed that i didn't want to be here, i figured the best thing to do was to drink copius amounts of alcohol to make being there that much more tolerable.

at the party after, some guy, obviously pissed off his face, slapped me on the back and shouted "YOU'RE A BIG FELLA AREN'T YA!". Not knowing who this drunken buffoon was, i asked my dad. he replied "he's a family friend. i say friend, but no-one really likes him".

cut to me needing the toilet, i rushed to the toilet, only to find the drunken buffoon in there shouting loudly to anyone that would listen. eventually, it was just me and him left there, he started talking loudly to me. at which point, i'd had enough, probably a mix of alcohol and annoyance, i said to him "you do realise nobody here likes you?". cue him sitting down on the toilet, and sobbing for all his life's worth. i made my excuses and left. spent the rest of the night trying to avoid the idiot, who seemed to be doing the same with me.

apologies for length
(wayneofthedead Dale Winton was my dad, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 12:42, Reply)

My insanely Christian cousin...
...got married to some equally Christian girl last year. So Christian they'd never even kissed before the ceremony. Anyway, as mere cousins, when both bride and groom had lots of siblings, we were not invited to the post wedding lunch, and went on our way, stopping to admire the decorated car. However, the person who decorated it had forgotten the lipstick. So, we and all the other distant relations stopped to rectify this.

I only found out later that my brother wrote "Jesus was here" right across the bonnet.
(Sporkmaster, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 12:30, Reply)

six feet under
My uncle got married to a woman who ran a crematorium and lived next door to it. The reception was held at their house and she gave us a guided tour of the place. I now know far too much about what goes on there...
(juicer, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 11:51, Reply)

ahem...
my cousin hit on me at the last family wedding. he's a good 10 years my senior. and knows full well I'm his cousin.


eeeeep.
(sponch!, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 7:30, Reply)

Run away...
My cousin got married in May. The bride came in to an organ rendition of Stairway to Heaven. The bride is a nice girl but... she's a little on the homely side. When it came time to catch the garter, all the guys jumped as far back as they could as it landed. Then they pushed each other until one touched it and had to pick it up.
Another thing I wasn't told of until later was that the woman passing out the cake was picking the slices up with her fingers to put them on the plates. This wouldn't have been as bad had she not proceeded to lick her fingers afterwards each time.
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 5:55, Reply)

A bloke called Barry thinks I'm sick...
Nearly a decade ago I attended my cousin's wedding in a tiny Catholic church in Potters Bar. After the 'ceremony' we all filtered out of the church, shaking hands with the groom and kissing the bride on the cheek.

When It was my turn to shake the groom's hand I muttered 'lucky bastard' to myself on account of the fact that he'd probably be getting some hardcore action in later that night and as a horny teenager I was insanely jealous of him.

I think he heard and thought I wanted to bone my cousin.
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 2:13, Reply)

Stupid neighbours
My mates sister and fiance arranged their wedding months in advance as normal, and when the day rolled round, it ended up being on the same day as Princess Diana's funeral. The reception was at their parents house, and so music and general celebration followed. And then one of the neighbours came round to ask why they were celebrating Diana's death. Brainless fuck
(DaveSlap, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 1:36, Reply)

Scared shitless
Firstly, went to a wedding once where the happy couple got up for the first dance and 'D.I.V.O.R.C.E.' by Dolly started up. A couple of bars into it, the music changed, the couple laughed (it had all been a joke) and they did their REAL first dance. To 'Don't want to miss a thing' by Aerosmith. Should have stuck with Dolly...

Wedding not long ago. Background story is the groom had got some psychotic girl up the duff a couple of years ago, and she was insisting on having the baby and he was going to be stuck with a sprog with some nutter, paying a fortune for the little bugger. So he tells her he'll marry her if she has a scrape. So she does. So he dumps her. So she trashes his motor and house and ends up in court and it's a complete nightmare. Cut to a few months ago, and he's getting married to a lovely girl. And the registrar arrives. And she's the psycho's mum. And the best man and ushers (me being one of them) know who she is. The groom hasn't twigged yet. How we all laughed afterwards (wedding went without a hitch)
(Professor Yaffle now with added sodium, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 1:25, Reply)

Basically
Them party poppers you have right. And you know them candles you have in the middle of tables right - Them really little white ones? Well what happened, you see, my friend* set one of the party poppers off, and the string went in the candle, and the fire spread to the paper table cloth and set the table on fire.

A major crisis was averted using a fire extinguisher.

*May have been me
( FreudianSlap, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 23:35, Reply)

I was best man to the chap whose face has been
Photoshopped into the pic below. I stuck one of the lads from the Stag night in the Photo, and then came the cunning bit. Got 100 printed onto Photo paper down at the Camera Shop.
That made people think they were real...
Had them distributed during the speech.



All but the Bride, Groom, and one table (the puritanical Christian cousins of the groom) laughed their arses off. The groom still whinges that these photos keep popping up all over the place, even now.
( drunkenoaf, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 22:48, Reply)

Available for weddings, bar mitzvahs and funerals
I play the organ at our local church.

One day our churchwarden got phoned up by the bride's mother who had, finally, decided on the music they wanted. "On the way out, we'd like No. 5."

Er... we could do with a bit more information than that. Is that the Toccata from Widor's Symphony No. 5? "No, we just want No. 5!" Bride's mother gets quite irate and couldn't understand why we couldn't just give her No. 5.

Turns out the spackwit had bought a CD of "Fifteen Favourite Wedding Pieces for Organ" and wanted me to play the piece on track five. She genuinely didn't understand that there were more than 15 pieces of music for organ.

I've never played anyone in to "Here Come the Clowns", which is a favourite organists' trick, but I did slip a few bars of the Addams Family theme in at a particularly horrendous wedding once.

P.S. to anyone choosing their wedding hymns. "Morning has Broken" - yes it did, about six hours ago. It's now three in the afternoon, you dozy arses.
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 20:14, Reply)

Wedding Video -
So we're off to Mumbai, India, where my now_wife (let's call her J) has family, to get married. My family can't attend as they are too old, won't fly, can't eat rice, etc......
So we decide to hire a video camera (this is back in the early 90's), which comes in a travel case about the size of a modern laptop-plus printer- plus ream of paper.

We arrive in Mumbai about 1am, and I'm thinking _this is a bit warm_. Then we leave the air conditioned airport, and it's like someone is frying goats! The heat, the smell.

So we arrive at the Hotel, only we don't. We are staying with family friends who live in a flat overlooking the equivalent of the Edgware Road or Champs Elysses; with no air conditioning.
To top that, we arrive during the Hindu festival of Ganpatty / tribute to Lord Ganesh, the Elephant God. So it's like the Notting Hill Carnival outside the window (not OUR window, we're separated because we're not married; I have to share with the roaches), every night until about 3 am.

After several days of paperwork (ie bribes), and being measured for clothes, all is set. We head off into the countryside to visit relatives. It's very hot. We get delayed. Rellys have made a big deal of making a celebratory meal for us of chicken curry.
We are late. (late by Indian standards is anytime today or tomorrow)
They keep it warm for us.
I get horribly ill.
(We later found out that a lot of big hotels in India have a phone next to the bog; good idea.)

So the day of the wedding arrives. I have a new hand made suit, costing about the same as a M&S shirt, but suspiciously I am a bit too small for it.
J has a fantastic hand-embroidered white sari.
A local cousin has been detailed in the use of the videocam, and we are GO!

The service goes well, considering it is 30 degrees, I am wearing a suit and shawl, and I don't understand half of it.
Mother in law is forced to watch from just outside because Aunt Florinda is visitng. Which somehow seems to be my fault as well.

Sensible Cousin has not mastered the OFF switch yet, so we have a 20 minute portion in the middle of the video with the camera in the box in the boot of a Taxi, with the engine and horn noises for soundtrack.

As a consequence of which, the battery runs out just as we leave the Shul for photos in the sunlight.




The ceremony passes without major incident, apart fom I can't fasten bracelets and necklets because my hands are to big/sweaty/clumsy; and one of the few people present who know that I don't understand one word in ten of what is said (J) is busy (understandably) being the centre of attention.

On top of all this, only 48 hours before flying out, I have to have a minor surgical modification to make me eligble for the marriage. Oh yeah, I forgot to say it's a Jewish wedding; my wife's family are Indian Jewish, or Sephardi, so she insists I convert. So I'm having to change dresings on the flight out, in he aircraft loo; and everyday after during the visit. (Yes, it does hurt)

After a short honeymoon in Goa, back to the UK for a reception for our family and friends. Because I was ill, the Tux I was measured for before leaving is now way too big.
On the morning of the reception, her family decide they won't attend, so we pointedly leave two empty seats at the top table so that all the family friends who attend are forced to ask where they are, so I can tell them what twunts they have been.

Still together 13 years later.

Apologies for length; I tried to cut a bit off the end, but you know how it is, these things get bigger and bigger.
(etchi, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 18:44, Reply)

The cruelist thing
my uncle has ever said to my mum (According to her) was on her wedding day. As she walked down the aisle he whispered to her and told her that she had a handprint of fake tan on the back of her shoulder.

There was no video or photographs

To this day she has no idea if he was telling the truth or not
(Dromedary, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 17:45, Reply)

My mum attended her Irish friend's wedding last year.
All was going swimmingly, right up to the point at which the father of the bride, during his speech, dropped the bombshell "then when I was 14, like any other good Irish boy, I joined the Irish Republican Army".

It all went a bit downhill from there.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 17:28, Reply)

Not a good idea
Got severely pissed, ignored the buffet queue and tucked straight into the food without a plate. Threw anything I didn't like back onto the table, half-bitten. Proceeded to slag-off the bride to a couple who happened to be her best friends. Spent most of the night being threaten by the families parents for laying on-top-of the expensive leather sofas. Narrowly avoided a beating by the skin of my teeth.
Spent all day Sunday ringing and calling on people to say sorry, beg forgiveness, lick arse and the rest of it.



not good.
(Axe murderer, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 13:35, Reply)

Ker-Splash!
At my cousin's wedding, in a rather posh place in Bucks, my uncle, the groom's father, stripped down to his boxers and leapt into the (regrettably nearby) lake.

Which was bad enough, but it had rather steep sides, making it very difficult to get out again. Cue a flabby, pasty, hairy sight that will stay with me until the day I die.

Which, again, was bad enough, but there must have been some competitive element involved that I was unaware of. Because the bride's father stripped down to his boxers and leapt in too.

Length! Ahahaha! LEEENGTH! Haha. I am teh comedy genious!
(fogbat, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 9:59, Reply)

Sausages
Nice summer wedding, out the back of marquee having a *smoke* and making polite converstion;
me: So what do you do?
him: I'm a policeman
me: I'll get me coat......

Different wedding, mate brings new but dim girlfriend;
her: So who are you with?
Bride (in big white dress): Im the bride...
her: oh
She might have been dim, but there was a queue of blokes waiting to talk to her behind the bushes though.

No apologies, just wipe it on the curtain on the way out
(paranoidvisions only in it for the money, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 2:03, Reply)

My Dad's wedding..
..was brilliant. He married a second time last August to my now step-mum. To begin with, my mother, crashed the wedding and tried to cause agro, but she never got anywhere.

Anyway, there were two receptions being held at this posh hotel we went to (the prices at the bar were rediculous). By about midnight, and after a whole day of drinking, there was only my mate Rob and myself left from our crowd so we carried on drinking with 9 or so people from the other wedding. Typical bunch really. All piss-heads. Between ourselves, we managed to get the barmaid drunk and SHE FORGOT TO LOCK UP! Cue her leaving and us lot taking advantage of the now 'free bar'! We certainly got our monies worth that night!

The following morning, nobody seemed to notice the copious amout of alcohol unaccounted for, even the cleaner didn't batter an eyelid as he hoovered around us all at 4am. How we all got away with it I'll never know

Oh, and my mate Rob? He slept on the bathroom floor that night.
(tweak, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 0:52, Reply)