Not strictly a crappy nickname,
But a few months back was my sister's 16th birthday party, which was held in the local village hall of the village we live in.

At one point the party was gatecrashed by a group of black kids from London, fairly odd for a small village party in rural Essex, but they were friends-of-friends and they seemed amiable so my parents let them stay.

Later on, my sister was mingling and introduced herself to one of the black kids.

"So what's your name then?" she asked.
"Bullets" he replied.
"No, what's your real name?"

"....Jacob."
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Thu 18 May 2006, 18:11, Reply)

My drunken neighbor at university...
couldn't pronounce my surname (Ptomey) and decided to go with the first thing he thought of: Poontaki.

I'm rather hairy. One chaotic night, the same neighbor found me completely pissed arse-naked sitting on the floor of our suite's shower. He'd decided to check on me because it was 4 in the morning and I'd been in there for an hour-and-a-half. Seeing me in my hairy gloriousness (including my long hair draped over my head making me look like Cousin It) spawned the addition to my nickname: Monster.

And so my nickname, Poontaki Monster, spread throughout the entire hall - along with that story.
(coffee keeps me from flying into a berserker rage, Thu 18 May 2006, 18:10, Reply)

The kisser.
I've been Melissa the Kisser, Melissa the Pisser, Repulsive Red, Melf (I go by this with most members of my classes) and Faz.

I've called others
Aswee (Ashleigh)
Awee (Hayley)
Cawee (Carli)
Cowee (Chloé)
Lenny (Héléne)
D'iry Boo (Dirty Blue, in response to being called Repulsive Red)
Wastenot (As in, waste not want not)
Spaniel (Short, yappy dog)
Sweaty Metty (Miss Metcalf, nasty smelling teacher)
Sergant Naylor (Evil bitch monster of death teacher)
And that's about it.
(The Disillusioned Starburst, Thu 18 May 2006, 18:08, Reply)

Chris Sinclair
Guy in our school was called Chris Sinclair, this evolved to Trevor Sinclair, and then simply Trev. 7 years and I only found out in Year 12 that his name was Trev.
(LickOutTheJamsMotherfuckers!, Thu 18 May 2006, 18:05, Reply)

Diet Coke Break

Many years ago, my mum needed a new fence putting up one summer. So like a fool, I asked my mates to come round and help.

What did they do? Fuck all. They just stood around drinking beer with my brother whilst I did all the fucking work.

It was really hot, and I was sweating like a pig, so I took my t-shirt off.

This happened to be around the same time as a rather popular 'diet coke' advert was on TV (the builder/diet coke break/cock-loving secretaries one).

The one contribution from them that day? To call me 'the diet rola cola man'.

Which ten years on is exactly as funny as it was back then.
(geegee, Thu 18 May 2006, 18:03, Reply)

smell
her name is mel so we call her smell.
we also call her stanley but no one
quite knows why.
(torture bunny lives under the kitchen sink, Thu 18 May 2006, 18:02, Reply)

There's a few
I am occasionally known as "Schmacksy" mainly only by one friend. I still don't know where it came from.

There's a guy i go to school with known as "Dickhead". Because he is one.

"Simba". No idea where this is from, maybe because he's ginger.

Also, one mate is called Mrak (pronounced meh-rak) cause he was a bit of a spack as a child and spelt his name like that.
(Viscous Fridge Magnet Used To Be A Cha-Cha, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:57, Reply)

You're the accountant - you do the math

There was a really stupid boy in my class. REALLY stupid.

There was a donut seller who used to flog his wares in town in the afternoon after school closed.

The prices for his donuts were… 25p each or six for £1.

It was remarked upon that our class-mate was so fucking dumb he’d buy 5 donuts (at £1.25).

Hence the ‘nick’name “The 5 Donut Wizard”.
(geegee, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:56, Reply)

I hate being called Caz or Cazza.
I don't know why, I just prefer good old Caro.
Other names have been Caramel, Camomile, Candarel and Cairo. I don't find these offensive, just irritating.
Worse than a nickname, however, is when they pronounce it incorrectly - Caro-lin, Ca-rolline and even Ca-row-lee-in send me barmy.
( CaroWallis, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:53, Reply)

oh dear, where do i start
these are the current ones I get called. *sigh*...

Dolphincock
Bellendo Fantastico
Spunkomatic
Donkey Humiliator
Graniteshaft
Pulsator O'Girth
Glorywood
Knob of God
Penis McDesirable





i'm a 12 year old girl
(Confused, would we? doesn't know what time it is at, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:52, Reply)

My oddest one
...was "Steeleye Spanner Gay" for some reason. Didn't last long, as it takes 5 times as long as just saying my name.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:51, Reply)

Cruel, cruel children.
Kid at school was from a family of Jehova's witnesses. Kid was known (even to teachers) as "Knock Knock."
(fixit, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:48, Reply)

My cuz couldn't say dummy as a kid
used to call it bummy which stuck as his rather embarrassing nickname. He’s now 27 and still goes by the same name. Turns a few heads in pubs that one
( GeordieSteve, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:47, Reply)

At Uni
Oh, while I think about it, there was Flymo, Burble, and Burble's Mate.

This was some 13 years ago. To this day, I have to think of what Flymo's real name is. I'm still in touch with Burble, and I never remember what his name is, even though someone tells me every so often.

As for Burble's Mate, I don't think anyone's ever even told me what his real name is.

Apparently Burble is so called because he used to ask long rambly questions in tutorials. As for the origin of Flymo's name - I've no idea, as he's not especially good at cutting grass and doesn't hover...

I thought I'd split this into two, as otherwise the length might chafe a bit.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:44, Reply)

I have had many nicknames
Including David, Sebastian and 'Black One'.

I am a white girl.
(Pachey, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:44, Reply)

Well, since you asked
Mine comes from an old job. We were installing a pair of computers in a cluster. Normally, you give them related names, like Torville and Dean, or some such. I called them Red and Blue, so that I could call the cluster Purple.

When my colleague noticed, he said "You're a bit of a Purple God, aren't you". Still use the name.

Edit: Oh, OK, the one that *really* hurts. Well, when I was younger, I had sticky-out front teeth. Like, really sticky-out. And I'm mixed-race, so I'm cafe au lait coloured. And I spent a week at holiday camp being called 'Jungle Bunny' by everyone. Bastards, one and all.

Still, I showed 'em. I'm now an overworked and underpaid IT drone, while they are - oh.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:41, Reply)

One of my best friends garned the nickname Jizz
One of those names that come from and off hand comment and stick for a while. Infairness to him the reason behind the nickname is quite tame as ninja (as he is now known) used to put vast amounts of gel in his hair. Unfortunately if he ever got caught in the rain the gel would start to run off and form jizz like drops around his hairline.
( Fish, My keyboard has dsylexia built in., Thu 18 May 2006, 17:39, Reply)

pechogonas
Its Spanish for big tits. I work with a couple of spics. What can I say?
( no longer a user, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:38, Reply)

Lurker Charlie
has recently been nicknamed 'Straightforwardface Charlie'.
I came up with it and even I don't know why.
( Malchick, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:38, Reply)

Bit harsh
There was a girl whom we had never seen with a boyfriend. So we called her hymen. Not to her face mind you . . .
(i_am_man, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:38, Reply)

Unintentional nickname
When my dad was a kid, he came home from school upset one day, because the teacher had got his name wrong. It turned out he misheard her when she pointed to him and said 'This is average height'.

We still call him Average Pipe sometimes.
(Pachey, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:35, Reply)

summer
okay we had the shittest nicknames last year.

i was grim - becuase im like the jamacian male sarcastic grim reaper. im female and white. sacractis only slightly. i hated last year

my friend anna - church candle. after a rather unfortunate story about measuring size..ill not go on

cat - rib..for her lack of clevage

cathy - dirty. yes well. i love cathy but she did sleep with a few

michaela -german. unfortunate accident of sleeveless top and being in a rush that morning so forgot to shave her arms.

katie. i dont know the complete story but her nickname:
little blonde and purple emo boking
chocolate/blueberry muffin girl who conincedently got beaten up by a door a twig and a pebble...

anyway ill be off im sorry for wasting 20 seconds of reading time
(bryony*niamh kneecaps exist to be hit with clawhammers., Thu 18 May 2006, 17:34, Reply)

I be a crap nickname magnet!!
So many i'm forced to do this in list form, even then I'm missing out quite a few.

Afro Man - ill advised teenage haircut
Flash - would be cool if i didn't get it for being notorious for spilling anything left in my charge when stacking shelves at ASDA
Crazy Frog - unfortunate resmblance :S
Quentin Tarenteno - see above
Archer, King of the Gorganintes - see above above
Anal - Unfortunate surname (Beed)
Beadwindow - The surname thing applied to an oddly named military operation

I'm sure there's more but I forget at the moment, oh well, hopefully will everyone else :P
(MauveGnome is watching you whilst you sleep, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:32, Reply)

A professor at my college
who is annoying at the best of times, was out with a student group on some sort of competition. He works in the computer department, and had two of the members of the computer club with him to help with the technical aspect of this student government competition. I knew both of these students, one of them now being my fiance and all. The other is a mutual friend, Daniel.

In the hotel room that night, Daniel and this teacher, Mr. West, are laying in (separate) beds and watching Lethal Weapon on television. West is laying on top of the bedclothes. Daniel happens to glance over at him at some point, and Mr. West is sporting a large, erm, "bulge" in his pants. Daniel, trying to be tactful but inwardly dying of laughter, asks if he is okay. West replies, "Oh, yeah, I'm just enjoying the movie."

When they got back from that trip, West had earned a nickname. He doesn't know about it, but each and every one of his classes is informed of the nickname, thouch not necessarily the story behind it. What is that nickname, you ask?

We call him "Westicle."
(NuclearMosquito, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:32, Reply)

Worst one I've ever had would be...
...that time everyone started calling me Pornstar. Out playing Manhunt (like an older, cooler, later at night no holds barred version of hide and seek), and I really needed a piss. So, I went for one. And someone happened to look round the corner at the time. I think it must've stuck for about 6-8 months...
(insanity_on_a_stick RISsing like mad, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:32, Reply)

Soapy Norris
.
Do you think for one minute I'm going to tell you where the name Soapy Norris comes from.....?
.
(EDIT) my name's not Norris
.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:31, Reply)

Perv-ee Phil!
Guy who I am friends with called Phil, known quite well for watching adult films with plently of nudity.. thus we came up a name for him called Pervy Phil..

To make it so he sticks in your mind he looks like a hobo crossed with a german torist (the fat kind with a bad beard)
(RobbJ, Thu 18 May 2006, 17:29, Reply)

The joys.
Several nicknames, some plain crap and some unexplainable:

Current nickname is "G-Man" or just "G" - Names Garry Gilmour so pretty easy to figure out.

Milky Bar Kid - blonde hair and glasses at primary school, go figure.

Tooshie or Toosh-nah - I dont know the reasons for this but it stuck for the majority of my teenage years.

Sad-Sack - Apparently I looked like Sadsack from the Raggydolls when I was a teenager - fuck knows if that's true or not?!

Bungle - I also look like Bungle from Rainbow. This is more believable. The friend who made it up...

Haddock - His surname, we didn't need a nickname for him, his surname was good enough.

Other friends:

Keith Williamson: had many a nickname. Most of them revolved around his large nose.

Baguette - based on his conk

Bagel - I'm not sure why 'bagel' but again, the nose

Tomato Beak or Whisky Beak - his red nose

G Gibson or "Gibbo":

The Romanian Jew - Well, he did look like a Romanian jew.

Razor Gibby - Gibbo was a small boy, very small indeed. He did, however, have grade A Short-man syndrome and thought he could have anyone.

Sofa Shagger - once when a group of us were on E, Gibbo was lying face down on the sofa in gouch mode, as you do. It took us a while to notice that, in his loved up state, he was slowly thrusting his pelvis and clothes shagging the sofa - good times

Flake - He was constantly scratching his shaven head and it produced a scary amount of flaking. eugh.

R Hoolahan:

Hooly - self explanitory

Hamster Hoop - Hooly is the biggest tight arse on earth. He gained this nickname because he once charged his new girlfiend at the time 70 pence for super noodles on toast. HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND!!! they didn't last long...

Gopher ass - Hooly once mooned a group of us in broad daylight. We were not prepared for the amount of hair that guy had on his ass. It looked like he had a gopher living in his anus.



Random people from School our group nicknamed

Keiran - Hoggle, from Labyrinth, because of his Hoggle like features

Adele B - "Scratch and Sniff" She could often be caugh scratching her minge and "discretely" raising her hand to her nose for a whiff. Fucking Yeti.

Apologies but Lenght seems much more than normal, shaving it does work!
( Bongmaster Is a Junglist Soldier., Thu 18 May 2006, 17:27, Reply)

my names bob
(not mystery bob unfortunatly)

not particularly funny, got it becasue of black adder once someone realised that was a shortened version of robert (my real name). thank god they didn't go wth kate :)

and my last name is brown. so i am an actual real-life 'Bob Brown' which is often greeted with disbelief. i have never understood why this should be so :/

there are other variations on my name from childhood, and one rhyme in particular, that means people get hurt. i have no control over it.red mist and all. arn't kids great :)
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Thu 18 May 2006, 17:26, Reply)