play dough
mahoosive heavyweight kid called ian, with a no word of a lie flat sided and topped head. like a kind of kryton from red dwarf.

Apparently he wasn't a freak with a naturally square head, he fell out of a high chair when he was a baby - and the pressure of the fall and being wedged "Squared" his head. "if thats true, your fat head must be play dough"

it never left him, and no-one ever ripped him for being a very fat 6 foot 11 year old. Its just a shame he was also a tuba player, as it just looked like a lunchbox.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 19 May 2006, 20:21, Reply)

Dave
Many many moons ago, when I started Aikido (sort of origami but with people) there were loads of Daves in the beginners class. However, this being too easy, it was decided to call EVERYONE "Dave" plus a distinguisher.
Hence my sister-in-law's moniker of "Dave the girl", shortened several times in the presence of my (now ex) wife's family to just "Dave".
They really didn't get it.


I've already said, it's the girth I have to apologise for.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 19 May 2006, 20:15, Reply)

Soggy Chip.
Yes that was my nick name at a school I went to. Mum and Dad owned a fish and chip shop, and of course everyone in school knew. It didn't make much difference, people just called me Jenny, apart from one strange little fucker. I can't even remember his name, but whenever he saw me he'd shout 'Soggy Chip!!' laugh his bollocks off then wander off. Strange kid.

At High school I was called Hutchy (surname was Hutchinson), not very clever I know, but it was always said in awe. The reason being that it had got round school that I had a vile temper, slammed one of the doors in school and all the glass fell out. This wasn't true..... mostly. I had slammed the door, but only the bottom section of glass had come out. :oS

no apologies will be made for the dullness of these tales
( jenpots, Fri 19 May 2006, 20:13, Reply)

Ho ho ho
Once had a Umbro 'managers' coat that was like the ones football coaches wear. It was bright green.

Got tagged 'The Jolly Green Giant'.

Awful.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Fri 19 May 2006, 20:11, Reply)

TC
One of the teachers at my secondary school was nicknamed TC. He loved it - he thought it stood for Top Cat. Unfortunately, he was wrong. Being dyslexic and none too sharp, he'd not been nicknamed Top Cat, but rather, Thick Cunt.
(Tetsuo, Fri 19 May 2006, 20:11, Reply)

Will Be Prosecuted
For most of my time in secondary school I was nicknamed "Stickers" having the first name Bill almost made it logical.

Just think of all the posters stuck on walls,
"Bill Stickers Will Be Prosecuted"

I'm just lucky I don't have any criminal tendencies!

BDC
(bill, Fri 19 May 2006, 20:06, Reply)

Um, actually...
my nickname at school was "Ace".

It's because I was hard and cool, not because I had one of those "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast" t-shirts with Ace Rimmer on it or anything like that.
(28:06:42:12, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:49, Reply)

Dish, Ja-blub and Gumby
At university, my house enjoyed the pastime of getting shitfaced and playing the game Spoons. Wendy absolutely hated losing, so one night she grabbed a spoon and ran away with it. She has been called Dish ever since.

Another girl had a very long Armenian name starting with 'Jeh'. Lazy turds couldn't be bothered to pronounce it, so they called her Ja-blub.

And I went to hs with a kid who had an unfortunate birth defect: the front and the back of his head were flat. He looked like he'd been caught in the millpress. Hence the nickname Gumby.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:43, Reply)

Stumpy
When I was at school there was a kid a few years below me who everyone called Stumpy.

He went through five full years of school thinking that people called him it because he played cricket. It was only on his last day there that someone let him know it was actually because he had an incredibly small cock
( Furness, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:39, Reply)

more...
Scool. Leaving day for the last year. We all go down to the park and drink cider (as you do)... Poor Joey Percival or 'Percy'(let's use his real name eh?), ended up getting stripped by some of the bigger, more homoerotic members of the school... turns out 'Percy' has an extremely small member...

Thank god it was his last day in school, otherwise 'Pinky and Percy' would have stuck.

A girl that an old mate of mine was having relations (or sex) with... she had a bit of a lop-sided eye. I was into watching Manga films at the time and found a character in a movie called Devil man called 'Jinman' who was a demon turtle thing with a lop-sided eye... Her name stuck, but nobody knew why. Only i found it funny... so hahaha.

'Little Jimmy'... was a caretaker at our school, who everyone believed had killed a student and buried him under the cricket pitch. Bollocks of course, but Little Jimmy was the name that stuck and inspired fear into every gullible student.

'Spitfire'... name for a teacher who foamed at the mouth and fired spittle at everyone when he got excited. He's dead now.

'The hills have eyes' was the nickname for the bald wierdo who once worked in the same warehouse. As was 'salmon man' a guy with a strange disorder where his eyes bulged wierdly from his face.

Girth/Strelm/Brolm/Krelm and indeed Bilm.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:24, Reply)

I knew someone called Bumhole because of his body odour problem.
My mate Luke was known as Wiggy because it was widely reckoned that all of his pubic hair fell out at an early age, and hence he had to wear a wig to cover his genital baldness... we had no actual evidence for it, but it was too good a nickname to waste.

My own nicknames have mainly been derivatives of my surname; Woody, Woodbine, and not least of all my current username, which is my house number combined with what my old physics teacher Mr. Feav used to call me... "Now then what's the answer, Woodside?" often derailed any train of thought which was running when I gazed out of the window in search of a distraction from optics or Fleming's rules or whatever he was going on about. (The answer? Erm... what was the question?) Also, I had quite an odd nickname during year 11, when we still had compulsory PE lessons; often, when I was changing, someone would shout out "Woody's got a boner!" and the chant would start. "Woody's got a BONer / Woody's got a BONer! / Woody's got a BONer!!" etc. It may have been for this reason that I was known that year as "The Man With The 40-Foot Golden Schlong".*

Oh, and speaking of bad taste, my dad was so skinny that he was known at school as "The White Biafran" (click here for explanation.)

* Before you ask - no, I never got it out in PE lessons. We don't do that sort of thing in state schools. Not in my experience anyway.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:22, Reply)

Appropriate...
At school, I was unfortunate to be one of those annoying A* students, and I excelled in Science. Not surprisingly, I had to endure several years of "Licker" by one of the academically-challenged lads in my class. He did make me laugh once, when he realised (in Science class) that my surname (Turner) rhymed with Bunsen burner. At the end of a Chemistry lesson, he stood up and announced a four-verse "Turner, the Bunsen burner" ode, to the class. I felt quite special(!)

Ironically, now i'm a Chemistry teacher, and my students have not yet found out this nickname...
(alchemista, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:21, Reply)

i have eleven nicknames
But the most recent are:

"Tahiti"- apparently i have tahitian qualities, in that i get along with everyone, but im not part of a group.

"bluee gapper"- derived from "blue gayper". Ill try to explain.

My sirname is Harper. Make the first syllable "gay", and you got that bit.
If you covered me in sulphur and burned me in an oxygen tank, i Would burn blue.

Its gapper because the people at JJB mispelled the name on the back of my england shirt!
(acharps, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:15, Reply)

Kunto
World Cup '90 fever was in the air when I was an 11-year-old in Junior 4, and at breaktimes we'd all go down to the football field and pretend to be players from the best two teams (in our eyes) - England and Brazil.

I was the Brazilian player Branco, my mate was Romario, another lad was Dunga, and there was one guy whose surname was Kent who we managed to convince that there was a striker in the Brazilian squad called Kunto.

Cue a whole day of him running around feverishly shouting things like "Square ball to Kunto!", "Kunto's in the box!", "Cross it wide to Kunto!" and so on, to great hilarity.

He'd found out what it meant by the next day, though.
(trashbat, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:13, Reply)

Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome
A guy I work with used to have long hair, all the way down to his arse... he's reasonably tall, but a bit on the light side.

Another bloke at work and I heard he'd just had his head shaved... not just cut short, but a complete skin-head. We figured he'd look like an AIDS victim. Who wouldn't. Ahem. Anyway, we changed the wallpaper on his PC to some pretty gross picture of an AIDS victim, made Bruce Springsteen's 'The Streets of Philadelphia' play when his PC was first turned on and his homepage set to the Terence Higgins Trust. Really childish stuff like that.

Ever since, he's been know as 'Mr. AIDS', 'AIDS Victim', just 'Victim' and of course, 'HIV'. Delightful.
(mr.d.sanchez, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:07, Reply)

Nickname
When I was in college, a student who lived in my dorm was nicknamed "Land Squid" by his male floormates because he was extremely pale, spineless, and had no distinct physical features or personality.

(No, not very nice, but this guy stalked me for an entire academic year, so I had no pity for him.)
(bunnybutt, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:06, Reply)

Oh dear
On nights when I am not Mcdanger, I'm known as the greyhound. Cos after a night dancing and ingesting various substances I look like a greyhound with downs syndrome.

Cheers Moon Monkey!
(luckymcdanger, Fri 19 May 2006, 19:03, Reply)

Pearl the Peril

Many years ago my mum started work in a new office. A woman came up to her and introduced herself, in a broad Scottish accent, as, "Hello, I'm Peril."

My mum called her Peril for 7 or 8 years until it became Peril's turn to leave. Upon signing her goodbye card my mum noticed it said, "Good luck in your new job, *Pearl*."

Not too bright sometimes, my mum!
(lozzzz, Fri 19 May 2006, 18:52, Reply)

Apt!!
I used to be involved with an electronics company who's UK manager was a small, weedy, dark-greasy haired character with a squeaky voice who was known, for very obvious reasons, as Baldrick.

After some time, a colleague enquired as to "Baldrick"'s whereabouts and was promptly told that said gentleman was now known as Thrush.

On asking why he was told;-

"Because he's an irritating c##t!"
(Sultan of Shwing If only I'd eaten my greens..., Fri 19 May 2006, 18:51, Reply)

Surprise Witness
While riding down the street, a noted town 'biker', riding his 'hog', had gotten embroiled in a shouting match with two belligerent off-duty paramedics in a sedan. The question was, did the biker commit first-degree murder when he killed one of the paramedics after they stopped to fight in a parking lot, or was it second-degree murder, or was it manslaughter, or was it self-defense? I served on the jury that had to answer that question.

Just before we were going to retire to deliberate, there was a great fanfare: a surprise witness had decided to testify. He began by describing the original argument on the street.

"I heard someone shout, 'Hey, Dipshit!'," the man testified. The prosecutor asked, "what did you do when you heard that?" The witness said "I started looking around." The prosecutor asked, "why did you do that?" Reluctantly, the witness replied, "well, I have a lot of friends, and we joke around a lot, and....uh.....that's my nickname!"

Judge, jury, defendant, lawyers, and witnesses all laughed long and hard over that! 'Dipshit' didn't change any minds, but he did make us chuckle, as we settled on second-degree murder.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 19 May 2006, 18:50, Reply)

The RAF
You may or may not have heard, for a long time the servicemen and women of our Royal Air Force referred to the inhabitants of the Falkland Islands as "bennies", as a reference to the hat-wearing Crossroads character who was popular at the time the war was on.

Fast forward to a few months back. The heads of the RAF have decided it's probably quite offensive to call them all bennies (christ knows why, never heard anyone complain about it) and so have issued a directive that anyone caught calling the natives "bennies" would be put on a charge. The Falklanders are now known as "stills". Because they're still bennies.
( Noit happy baby orangutan, Fri 19 May 2006, 18:33, Reply)

Hrmmm
The only fun thing I can think of is that absolutely everyone at school seemed to pick up nicknames I'd thought up. Mostly 'cause they made fuck-all sense. Ten years on, the maths teacher with buck teeth is still called Zero after the thick private in Beetle Bailey. Win! Although the other kids did get back at me by calling me "twig" when I was a bit porky. Bastards.
(Auntie Dalek molester extraordinaire, Fri 19 May 2006, 18:25, Reply)

I had a range of nicknames at school.
John Motson, Postman Pat. You know the drill
( stereo_world has decided not to eat your photograph., Fri 19 May 2006, 18:01, Reply)

wascally weasel...
THANKS!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 19 May 2006, 17:42, Reply)

Small fella..
We use to have a 4 foot bearded bespectacled bloke round our way.
We use to call him R2-oddie
(were all dEvO!!, Fri 19 May 2006, 17:34, Reply)

Can't See The Forest
To his friends, my unusually-tall college roommate was known as "Pine Tree." At a loss about what to call me, they settled on "Stump."
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 19 May 2006, 17:26, Reply)

Im a nickname magnet
Over the years Ive had thousands of nicknames. I must just have such a boring name that people feel compelled to call me something else. I was known for years as "the crow" because I turned up at work with dyed Jet balck hair. I was also known at the exact same time as "Chava"(because Im as far from a chava as you can get). The same guy who gave me those nicknames decided to challenge himself to give me a new nickname every day and did so for 3 months straight. I obviously havent committed them all to memory.

Now for some bizarre reason Im known as "Sven"

Could be worse though... A mate of mine is called Stiffy!
(a man called donkey has been away for too long, Fri 19 May 2006, 17:17, Reply)

Roy
When my father-in-law started work as an office junior for the civil-service, his new boss mis-heard his name and introduced him to everybody as Roy (his name is actually Ron). Because he was only 14, he didn't dare contradict his boss.

He retired a few years back, having made it all the way to the very top job in a government ministry. In all that time, everybody, from teaboys to Ministers called him "Roy"...
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Fri 19 May 2006, 17:11, Reply)

The Cat
One time, I went sailing on a boat to New Zealand with some lads I didn't know. I don't know if any of you have ever been on boat in the ocean, but the bloody things are a menace to the malco-ordinated, as treacherous as a rotating disco dancefloor. I got a bit of a reputation for falling over. You know, suddenly flying across the gallery, smashing my brains on the cooker and spilling hot stew everywhere, or tripping over my feet as I rushed forward to rip down a sail during a storm. Or, when the boat really heeled over, suddenly falling off the toilet, smashing the shitter door to smithereens and crashing into the fucking bridge of the ship with my massive canvas trousers round my ankles.

They nicknamed me 'The Cat'.

For some reason I didn't make the connection between this nickname and my total lack of agility. Instead I thought it was a reference to my good looks, lively attitude, and cool dude behaviour.

"You mean," I asked, "Like The Cat in Red Dwarf?"

From that day forward I was known as Dwayne Dibley.
(Boss Killer, Fri 19 May 2006, 17:07, Reply)

When I was at uni...
there was this chap who for 3 years we all called "Dave". It was only at our graduation he decided to break the news to use that we'd been getting his name wrong for 3 years and that he was actually called James.

So I guess as far as nicknames go, "Dave" is a pretty crap one.
( LP, Fri 19 May 2006, 16:58, Reply)