To add to r2b2's fingernail exploits...
The first time my now-ex stayed over at my place at Uni (we had been going out for 5 months before I got there, but never had a place to do it alone, which meant organising our sex lives around when our parents were out) we were both rather tipsy (read as too drunk to see properly).

Anyhow, in my drunken state I decide that it is a good idea to try and get as many fingers in there as I possibly can. My nails, however, must've been a bit on the sharp side, which, added to the more than usual stretching which happens when you have most of your hand inside her special area, led to some scratching.

Neither of us noticed though until about 5 minutes afterwards when we realised that there was a slowly-growing puddle of a sticky blood based liquid on my mattress.

Still very under the influence I start panicking, thinking I've broken her beyond repair, and make her stand up in my room legs apart, whilst I sit underneath shining a small torch up there, hurriedly wiping away the blood with a freezing cold flannel, which she didn't enjoy particularly much.

The comedy of that image now makes me burst into laughter, but at the time I thought I might never get to explore her underside ever again, which is a chilling thought for an 18 year old in his first proper relationship.

She's fucked off now though with some other poor soul who she can control more easily than me, but I know I've left my mark on her forever and ever, and who knows, maybe the scars will split open when she's giving birth to their bastard offspring.

That would be funny
(Jim8, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 17:14, Reply)

.
Things were going well in my GCSE german exam around this time last year. I was cruising, owing to my excellent preparation and the high-quality teaching I had received.

At the end of the fifth question, I felt like some sort of german god, a deity of the teutonic languages, simply unstoppable in my mastery of european tongues.

However, upon turning the page, I saw to my horror that I had absolutely no idea what the hell they were banging on about. 'Ein dieb hast meine schaetze gestholen? Was!?'

Suffice to say, it was the worst sechs I've ever had.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 17:09, Reply)

Pooping in her mouth
is quite nice
(abignumber, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 16:39, Reply)

...
Apologies for length.
(tero if I had a website, this is where I would plug it, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 16:17, Reply)

Two of Mrs M de L's former work colleagues get it on...
.....

Fat Margaret called at Annie’s house one sultry August nyghte.
Quoth she: “I need some pleasurynge, because I feel uptyghte.”
So Annie toke her by the hande and lede her through the door;
And with a frenzyed urgencye, their knyckers hit the floor.
She toke off Margaret’s blowse and saw her tittes were quyte a size,
And ran her digits over Margaret’s cellulitick thyghes.
“Oh, Annie!” she beganne to moane; her legges were opened wide,
So Ann explored her hairy snatche and slipped her thumbe inside.
She toyed with Margaret’s clytorysse and flicked its swollen tippe,
And severall moments later Margaret’s boxe beganne to dryppe.
Then Annie graspt a carrot, which she thought would do the jobbe;
Impressive of dimensioun, it was lyke a donkey’s knobbe.
She smothered it in butter and at once beganne to pumpe
Its warty shaft betwixt the cheekes of Margaret’s willinge rumpe.
She thrust away with vigour; Maggie’s arse was gettinge loose,
And soone the bitche was coming and was howlinge lyke a moose.
Now Annie turned most suddenlye; she heard a panting sounde.
Their congresse had alerted Annie’s large Alsatian hounde.
His eyes were exophthalmick and his tongue was lollinge out,
And from beneath his fur emerged a sticky, dribblinge spout.
He gazed upon his mistresse and he leapt upon her backe,
To poke his canid membre up her scrawny, fœtid cracke.
Then Mags became excited at the sounde of Annie’s moanes,
And wrapt her lyppes around the dogge’s hirsute, perspiring stones.
She sucked at them voraciously to bringe him off apace;
He fyred his loade up Annie’s twat and shat in Margaret’s face.
The dogge retired to reste awhile on Annie’s Persian rugges,
While she was left to lick the shit from Maggie’s steaminge dugges.
Without ado, she let escape a moste prodigious queefe,
And half a quarte of puppye sauce ranne from her drapes of beefe.
Then, standinge in the doorway, they saw Annie’s husband Pat,
Who said, enthusiastically, “I lyke the loke of that.”
They asked, “Hast thou been watchinge us?” and he replied, “Of course!
And after what I’ve seen tonyght, I’ll cancell our divource.”


.....
(Mathurin de l'Esprance felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 14:28, Reply)

69 with extra topping
I'll keep it short.

She farted once.
She farted twice.
She farted a third time, followed through and shat on my face.
I threw up in her cnut.

Nuff said really.
(quantum raspberry quizzically quashing Quebecans, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 14:17, Reply)

Stop me if you've heard this one before
I've already mentioned Barking Mad Sharon on these pages, but the tale is worth repeating.

Barking Mad Sharon - with whom I 'enjoyed' a tempestuous and mercifully short affair - was into, amongst other things, golden showers.

My problem was that I found I could not perform to order, and cunningly pissed into a jar eariler in the day. My own idea of a special present for my screechy beloved.

So: "Piss on me! Piss on my tits!" she demanded.

She got the whole, rank, horribly cold jar all over her milky white basooms.

The passion died, and the affair was over.

Thank God.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Pokemon
When I was at uni, I was seeing a really nice lad, and because it was my first proper relationship there was all the usual exploratory sex and giggling and it was good.
We (for shame) were really into Pokemon at the time, regularly having big Poke-parties in halls and being silly and generally having fun - and it was good.
Then, one night, said boyfriend took me gently in his arms in his uni-standard single bed and made love to me in his usual lovely, tender style. I actually thought at one point, I love this boy: I may marry him. That was definitely good.
Until moments later, as he shuddered into climax; my legs gripped round his ears, he screamed: "Pikaaaa.... CHOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that was not good.
(Miss Hobart, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 14:05, Reply)

Mince meat.....
....and a pint glass.

You do the math.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 13:36, Reply)

Urban myth?
Not sure if this is true as it's a mate of a mate story, plus it may not have been the lady's worst sex ever but I'd wager it's competitive.

A mate told me about a mate of his shagging some lady he'd picked up on a night out. Apparently both were partly clothed and he was shagging her from behind in the time honoured doggy style when the following incident occurred.

In the throes of passion, the lady says to him, "I want to see your face". So, does he do the gentlemanly thing and relocate her into a suitable position her so that her wish may be granted? No, no he doesn't.

Instead he carries on humping away and without missing a thrust, reaches down into the back pocket of his jeans and produces for her....

...his bus pass.

Nice.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 12:39, Reply)

Neighbours
Whilst at college in Plymouth, I was in Halls. The way the room were laid out meant that my bed was next to the wall , and my neighbours bed was adjacent (so it went bed/wall/bed). this resulted in me regularly hearing my neighbour (Big Dave) and his skanky whore (Skanky Whore) shagging away like rabbits whilst playing "Rock n Roll Radio" by The Ramones. I like The Ranones, bu that song brings back memories of much shrieking and grunting. (TBH it was prolly good sex, just not me getting any)
Bitter as always.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 12:05, Reply)

and another scarring episode
oh god i'm getting a crushing, squeezing chest pain and shooting pains up and down my left arm remembering this episode.

winter olympics 2000. we're all drunk and back at my friend's house at about 2am gossiping and drinking. gbr were skiing at 5am and for some reason we decided to stay up and watch it. naturally by about 4am we were all flat out. or most of us were. i was asleep on the sofa with my gay mate thomas. two more friends were crashed out on the other sofa. and the final two, rebecca and andrew, were lying under a sleeping bag on the lounge floor. now, we've all known each other since we were 11 and none of us have ever pulled each other. steve has a long-term girlfriend, thomas is gay, andrew is very short and something of a sexpest.

so imagine my horror and shock at being woken up by a grunt like two pigs reaching simultaneous orgasm. as i opened my eyes, i saw straight down the sleeping bag and saw rebecca and andrew fingering each other. he looked very happy and up for it. she was pulling his hand away and with good reason; he looked like a child trying to rub out a mistake in a maths book.

oh god. my eyes were bleeding. i slammed them shut and panicked silently. i couldn't move because then they would know i was awake. and thomas was lying on me. it would wake him and possibly sam and steve on the other sofa. shit. shit.

i squeezed my eyes shut and stuffed my fingers right inside in my ears. encountered a bit of brain. carried on pushing. but i could still hear them. it was fucking disgusting. then suddenly the sounds and scarring images were the least of my worries. one of them had grabbed my ankle and was squeezing it in time with heavy breathing and getting more and more excited. the squeezing got harder and harder and more and more rhythmic, then spasmodic. finally the hand clutched my ankle and then slowly, dreamily, fell away.

then andrew got up, clutching the sleeping bag around his waist, and went to the toilet. this woke everyone else up and i said palely that i was going home. rebecca wanted to come with me and i couldn't say anything to dissuade her. to this day she has no idea i witnessed that.

if only it stopped there.

the next day, i was desperate to tell sam. but strangely, she rang me first thing to say we HAD to talk. odd. we met in starbucks. i said i had to go first as it was killing me. but the more i spoke, the madder sam looked. by the time i told her about the ankle shuddering climax, there was steam coming out of her ears.

turned out that after we left, thomas the caring host packed sam, andrew and the other guy steve off to the spare room. sam was in the middle and was lying on her side, her back to andrew. she was flat out when she was awoken by exploratory fingers sliding inside her tracksuit bottoms.

because sam didn't know he'd just pulled rebecca, her first thought was almost sympathetic. "ugh ugh but he's just drunk and if i wake steve then poor andrew will be really embarrassed," was what she thought. i would have thought, dirty fucking molesting bastard, but there you are.

instead, she hissed, "what do you think you are DOING?" to which andrew hissed back, "sssssh. it's allll-right." like some kind of paedophile uncle. sam reiterated firmly that it was very much not alright, but andrew persisted and managed to push his hand right into happy valley before she eventually made it clear that he was to fuck right off.

of course, when i told her what he'd been doing 5 minutes earlier, she wished she had screamed and then smashed something on his head. when i pointed out that i really hoped he had washed his hands between assaults, she actually heaved.

we don't really see andrew very much any more...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 11:35, Reply)

true story

Someone at my old work told me that her ex used to be the singer of a Doors tribute band, and used to get groupies.

I asked whether the groupies imitated famous groupies of the 60s, but sadly they didn't.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 10:12, Reply)

Being a mental slut I've had lots of bad sex
But this is the one I've been pondering lately.

Following uni I shipped out to continental Europe to shag foreigners. Unfortunately I ended up hooking up with a bloke (bloke 1) I went to uni with (small world). I flew back to the UK one weekend for a reunion at uni and at midnight ended up in a hotel bar which bizarrely contained bloke 1 I was currently shagging in Europe. I decided to ignore him and instead my heart soared when I was introduced to a friend of his (bloke 2) I have no idea how I'd managed to miss in 4 years. We hit it off and spent 2 hours engrossed in each other. So how quite I ended up upstairs in a room with a visiting navvy (bloke 3) I'm not quite sure. Bloke 3 was unable to get it up in the end although he did manage to "manually stimulate" me to the point that I bled for 2 days afterwards - and no, I didn't come. So I went back downstairs.

Bloke 1 was less than impressed and wouldn't talk to me. Bloke 2 no longer wished to continue our conversation despite the fact I really liked him. Bloke 3 sat there with a shit-eating grin.

I woke up at 11am in the bed of Bloke 4 when actually I should've been halfway back to Heathrow.

I resumed shagging Bloke 1 and Bloke 2 declared he never wanted to meet that "slag" again.

Did I learn my lesson? did I fuck as like.

Length? I had 4 that night and didn't get served a single inch!
(betty_bongo, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 9:23, Reply)

where to start
The fingernail episode comes to mind; she was a little sadomasochistic (in parts) and we were at it on holiday.

10 days of Thai sun will give you, the pasty Scottish bird you are, a rather unpleasant sunburn. So, we're going at it doggy. She's doing the moaning, the 'harder, harder' thing and i'm getting quite into it.

Unfortunately, so are my fingernails. I drag them down her rather red-raw back.

Probably the worst sex she'd had, anyway. I had to to quietly paint the shower walls on my own later on.

Also: flecks of dark-star matter on your Johnson aren't attractive either. But that's another story.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Sun 17 Jun 2007, 8:44, Reply)

What the Puck?
At uni I trod the boards for a while, and acted in a few shoddy drama productions, which made it a bit easier to get girls. Anyway, pulled this nice lass at the student union, she was charmed by my performance and wanted to have a private one of her own.
So back at hers, I'm trying to get the old fella in and it's not going well her end. I ask if she's ok and she eventually (in near tears) tells me why she's not 'relaxed' enough to proceed: 'My ex tried to rape me last Saturday'.

exit stage left.
(burntbread, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 8:35, Reply)

true story

my friend (it really was my friend, not me) used to be an alcoholic, or at least a binge drinker. Once he met a woman in a pub, worried that she might really be a man because she was so unattractive, stuck his hand down the front of her pants to verify, and after confirming that she was a woman went on to have sex with her.

This same friend had a girlfriend who he had a terrible relationship with. How terrible was it? They were playing pool in the pub, and the stakes were that if she won he had to have sex with her, if he won he didn't have to. She won, and he didn't anyway.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 8:29, Reply)

being fisted

The trouble with being fisted is that it feels like someone sticking their hand up their arse.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 8:25, Reply)

why a horse?!?!!?
this post will be very dissapointing for many if they go by the title.

anyhoo, i have a mate called james and he is the world's bestest sex pest. he once got back to a lady's house and was shagging her from behind and she fell asleep, i really do wonder how this happened. what does james do? wank's on her face and leaves only to get the guilt, come back, clean her up, put her to bed and leave her a note and draw her a picture of a horse - this is probably the single greatest thing i've ever heard about anyone doing
i love james for that, i dont get it but i do love it (just realized that applies for james drawing the horse and sex)

other stories include him shagging a bird in a club, getting caught by the bounchers and being frog marched out the club hardon standing tall and laughing and screaming all the way, thats right he took it in his stride and saw the funny side of walking through a club with an erection, fucking brilliant.
various 3somes hi fives and all,
him and his mates throwing up on eachothers cocks
accidently knocking a girl out on a bedpost

the list goes on
as for me there is the time i got tied up and bitten to shit, i dont know at what point she thought i enjoyed it but hey, walking out of the shower covered in bruises resembling bite marks is a toughie to explain to your mum, i think i just said it was lad damage as such
that said even though she was a biter, she was pure filth, hurrah

oh yeah and then the girl that dragged me back to my flat just as i came up off a pill to then avoid sex and ask if i had any diseases then decide she's actually a lesbian after practically raping me in the club, yup i turned a straight lass gay, i must be the world's bestest lover man eh

Edit: and then there's the ex who kept on saying how yummy my cock was in a really childish voice, words cant explain how much of a turn off that is. still pisses me off just thinking about it, and her tits were shit and i'm allowed to say that cause i broke up with her because she was nuts not 'cause of the tits, as shit as they were

"massive wanger joke type thing here"
(classic-spastic, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 4:35, Reply)

Fortunatly not mine...
A friend of mine was with a girl who was most turned on by the fact that is nipples were pierced, as were hers... matching pairs, how sweet.

Now I can speak from personal experience that she was an "energetic" and noisy lover (her mother once asked if we could "be more quiet next time" after a successful session in her bedroom). One fateful evening my friend was paying visit to her velvet sausage wallet whilst she was playfully bighting his nipples. It was while she was bighting away that my friend decided, rather unwisely it would seem, to throw his "Creamy Muck Muck". This caused her to spasm wildly taking a full 3/4 of his nipple with her.

He now has the rather ironic nickname of Scaramanga.


Feel the girth
(The Magenta Ninja am behind you stealings yor magenterses, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 1:31, Reply)

When I was about 26 years younger than I am now
My mate and I had been doing night shifts with a very quiet, very average looking student nurse for a couple of months. Doing 12 hour shifts with just 3 people you usually find out everything there is to know about the ones you're working with but her, name, favourite author (Jackie Collins) and musical tastes was it. Long story short, my mate was on leave for 2 weeks and we had to work short staffed. One night she's crying because her "friend" had been having sex with somebody she hated. Being a normal male, I asumed there and then that she was a lesbian. Three nights later, she came into work quite stoned, babbling that the friend would be visiting later to make up and did I mind. "Hell no, that's fine" I said thinking I might be able to sneak a look at some girl on girl make-up sex.After we'd finished our rounds and cleaned up she started getting a bit flirty and then quite amorous. Just as I'm banging away, I see her smile over my shoulder and then feel a hand stroking my bum and heading for my testicles. 2 girls at once, thinking God has finally answered my daily prayer. I looked over my shoulder to see the owner of the hand squeezing my balls was, with the other hand, stroking the biggest hard on I had ever seen. I pulled out, ran and locked myself in a ward until the early shift started then climbed out the window, drove home and showered for a few hours.
(wallynothere rnot without protection, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 0:36, Reply)

Am I the only guy here
Who's loving this QOTW because I get to read loads of girls' answers about sex with guys with tiny cocks, and so feel immensely manly?

Click "I like this" if you're also suddenly feeling very proud of your manhood.
(Adamish Time of death, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 0:02, Reply)

Bad bad sex
I've had the occasional bad sex but none to cap the exploits of a friend from college, Darren.
He had his eye on his bosses' daughter and took her out for a drink in the company van. Ahhh romance..
Anyway she drank. And drank. And drank. He had two pints (not wanting to risk his license or the works van), she, a not very big lady, had seven. Food didn't enter the equation.
They were driving on to another pub when Darren felt her hand unzipping him and a pair of slobbering lips on his cock (whilst he was driving). He pulled the car over, not terribly far from her house, and ask if she'd like to get in the back, which she did.
Events followed their drunker couse and all was fine until he finished... and she made a sound.....something like.... errrrrgh...
At which she Puked, pissed and shat herself. At the same time.
She came more or less to her senses and bolted out the back of the van, covered in god knows what and semi-naked. Darren did the manly thing and drove off.
Terrible sex was followed by frantic late night car cleaning, stench that woundn't go away, accusations from his boss and a new job.
Anyone care to beat that?
(DustyD, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 23:52, Reply)

Hannah...
Hannah was a Senior Resident when I was in Halls in my first year of University. She developed a crush on me. It was not really reciprocated...

One day I had been drinking since about 9am. Not that uncommon (even now!), but it had left me trashed and vulnerable to her advances at about 1am.

I took her home, and despite the fact she'd come on to me and dragged me home, she went all frigid. My natural charm eventually won her over, and on I hopped. A few minutes into it, my door burst open and in staggered Andy and Drew, searching for skunk.

"Guys, fuck off! I'm busy!" I cried, as Hannah pulled a duvet over us, shrieking at the intrusion.

"We only want some gear mate" they replied.

I directed them to it, and after much coaxing, I resumed.

Two minutes later the door opens again and they ask "Have you got any skins?"

At this point Hannah dressed and ran off. I tucked myself into my boxers, went into the kitchen and skinned up, having realised there was no chance of getting laid properly.

She never spoke to me again.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sat 16 Jun 2007, 22:56, Reply)

Eve...
When I was a student, there was a house in which 7 girls lived. I had great sex with 2 of them and disastrous experiences with 2 of them. I hasten to add that this was in my first year, and I was still not terribly experienced or indeed competent.

One night I had turned up there, pissed, with my mate. I was covered in mud, following doing a runner from a cab, and was trying to impress. About midnight Eve came home. I'd never met her before, but was impressed by her general appearance. An argument started, and she punched me in the face. I picked her up, ran the bath, and dumped her in it. We grappled for a bit and ended up kissing and fondling before legging it off to bed.

It was a shocking performance. It lasted barely minutes, and was amateurish in the extreme. The crowning moment was a loud fanny fart... "That wasn't me!" I said, crassly. I topped this a moment later when I let rip with a loud beer fart and said "That was!"
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sat 16 Jun 2007, 22:39, Reply)

Where to start?
I've had a lot of very bad sex. A lot of brilliant sex too, but some has been terribly traumatic.

No-one has ever been awful enough to actually shit the bed whilst I've been in it, although dredging through my repressed memories brings to mind the case of Sam.

I was a young man, vastly inexperienced and quite frankly very grateful to get some. Sam was 32, a mother of two, and not too bad looking. Rough as old boots, but very pleasant none the less.

We flirted over a period of weeks, as we worked in the same corner shop, and one evening I ended up in her house, having a smoke and a chat, and one thing led to another. Eventually I got the hint that she was trying to seduce me and I lost no time in having a good fiddle with all the pertinent bits, gradually working my way down.

Eventually I took a deep breath and went down on her; from her reaction I gathered that she was enjoying herself, and she decided a 69 was in order, her on top.

I was thrilled with my luck and closed my eyes, concentrating on making a good job of things. After a few minutes my eyes opened and I was struck with horror. Her bumhole, of which I naturally had a great view, appeared to have grapes protruding from it (my first ever experience of piles!), and was a little brown and crusty.

I got up and left. And vomited in a bush. I found it difficult to look her in the eye after that.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sat 16 Jun 2007, 22:31, Reply)