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# newsletter subject line compo
if entering these things you say, 'never'
now is the time to write something clever
(I helped save b3ta! rob, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:36, archived)
# ZOMFG
etc

EDIT: How is Maddie coping with the Credit Crunch?
EDIT 2: Maddie to open new Woolworths in Portugal.
(I helped save b3ta! Victor Meldrew, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:37, archived)
# she's doing well thanks
... shit - hopefully no one noticed
(I helped save b3ta! Prof UnderCover evitable, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:39, archived)
# I did.
(I helped save b3ta! bilbobarneybobs I'll be 14 in b3ta years soon., Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:41, archived)
# You realise I'm going to need that cupboard space soon?
EDIT: It's like that old joke. How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage? Two more if I move the bike.
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:41, archived)
# I've already let you fill the bath with marmite
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!??!
(I helped save b3ta! Prof UnderCover evitable, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:42, archived)
# A golden syrup shower:P
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:52, archived)
# I imagine that would be an
unpleasant experience
(I helped save b3ta! Prof UnderCover evitable, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:52, archived)
# Unless you had a hundreds and thousands towel.
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:54, archived)
# you'll never get me to move from my
waffle dough bath robe.
(I helped save b3ta! Prof UnderCover evitable, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:57, archived)
# *musters Ethiopians and gives them forks*
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:59, archived)
# How is that dungeon coming on by the way?
Ive got 3,000 Italian workers i need to move in asap.
(I helped save b3ta! Victor Meldrew, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:42, archived)
# I used to go to a club called the Dungeon.
The owners got pissed off that everyone called it The Dindgy so they changed the name to Legends.
They soon changed it back to The Dindgy sounded better than Leg Ends.
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:53, archived)
# There was a club round our way called Heroes
It specialised in tribute acts. Attendance dropped so they ditched the acts and changed the name to fuel. NOw the only people who go there are crack addicts.

Oh and everything in there is still branded as Heroes *face-palms*
(I helped save b3ta! Victor Meldrew, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:04, archived)
# Well they should change it back to Heroes
And then the clientelle will all be small chocolate bars.
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:07, archived)
# If they start packing fudge
I'm there.
(I helped save b3ta! Victor Meldrew, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:08, archived)
# there's a sandwich shop in town called Heroes
it is permanently graffiti'd to read "Herpes" on all signs.
(I helped save b3ta! Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:57, archived)
# THE MADDIE COUNTDOWN CLOCK
(Your watch is still saving for 5K but has learnt about 'nose bondage', Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:30, archived)
# YOU COW!
Moooosletter!
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:37, archived)
# Or
More punctual than a B3ta compo...
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:38, archived)
# I got ignored by Pasanonic and all I got was this lousy newsletter
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:38, archived)
# ^ this
(I helped save b3ta! xandmi, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:38, archived)
# Oh please this :)
(I helped save b3ta! Ghostwriter can't pick up his pencil, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:45, archived)
# hehe
(I helped save b3ta! Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:47, archived)
# :D
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:50, archived)
# did I miss something?
(I helped save b3ta! Prof UnderCover evitable, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:53, archived)
# The fact that he's an utter cunt?
unlikely, but possible.
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:59, archived)
# I see...
I always miss the flouncing
(I helped save b3ta! Prof UnderCover evitable, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:02, archived)
# I wouldn't fret.
Take one measure of pompous-ness, mix with a liberal dash of opinionated fuckhead, and garnish with a dash of has-no-idea-what-he's-actually-talking-about* and you've pretty much got it.


*Potential Daily Mail readership optional.
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:06, archived)
# He and a few regulars had a slight online altercation around Monday
His ignore list grew rather large.
I have no problems with the chap, but it's fun to get some popcorn, sit back and watch the fireworks...
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:03, archived)
# oh god, ^ please let it be this...
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:56, archived)
# This an awful lot of attention to give an ego maniac gratis
but on the other hand, he'll never see it, the silly fucker...
(I helped save b3ta! hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:03, archived)
# Consolidating your debts into one easy loan.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:38, archived)
# THIS IS THE NEWSSSS
(I helped save b3ta! Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:38, archived)
# 'Bouncing Elephantiasis Man Destroys Central Portsmouth'
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:00, archived)
# Bearded Cleric in Oily Chin Insertion
Now fact me till I fart!
(I helped save b3ta! Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:06, archived)
# FFFFUUUUUU
(I helped save b3ta! Rails [*·:·], Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:38, archived)
# it's slightly better than cancer
(I helped save b3ta! MontyyouterribleCUNT I gave Jeremy Kyle cancer, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:39, archived)
# Italian man sticks finger up.

(I helped save b3ta! Whato_Jeeves Did your surgery require a vaginal mesh patch?, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:39, archived)
# There is probably no newsletter. Now stop complaining and read this.
(I helped save b3ta! xandmi, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:39, archived)
# Warning: newsletter may contain letters and news.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:39, archived)
# ... well - I say 'news' ... it's more like a bunch of hilarious stuff and things.
(I helped save b3ta! Prof UnderCover evitable, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:40, archived)
# it's quite poor this week so I'd just delete it
(I helped save b3ta! Prof UnderCover evitable, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:41, archived)
# "Still looking for the red blender."
(I helped save b3ta! Tahkcalb ω∞ for sigs, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:41, archived)
# If offended please contact Jonathan Ross c/o BBC
(I helped save b3ta! Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:41, archived)
# Tina Turner: Tuna Toner
(I helped save b3ta! bilbobarneybobs I'll be 14 in b3ta years soon., Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:42, archived)
# There's probably no God
so stop worrying and read the newsletter


*edit* - super arsebags, xandmi beat me to it :(
(Tefty thought long and hard about posting this on, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:42, archived)
# This week: Frotting - how hard is too hard?
(I helped save b3ta! Prof UnderCover evitable, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:44, archived)
# I like this one.
(I helped save b3ta! enceladus, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:10, archived)
# PASANONIC'S IGNORE LIST LEAKED ON INTERNET
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:45, archived)
# hehe
(I helped save b3ta! Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:47, archived)
# IT'S EVERYONE ELSE THAT FLOUNCES, NOT HIM
I hear he donates a lot of money so he's allowed to stay here.
(I helped save b3ta! gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:55, archived)
# I hear you just love him and tell the other mods to let him stay
(I helped save b3ta! hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:15, archived)
# get a room
(I helped save b3ta! prodigy69 broke b3ta and made everyone leave, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:24, archived)
# Contains 52% Snarn
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:46, archived)
# what's the other 48%?
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:54, archived)
# Smeldge
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:55, archived)
# sawdust and vomit
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:55, archived)
# so, as appealing as
snarn, then?
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:03, archived)
# As Schrödinger would say, "If you close your inbox, is it still there?"
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:46, archived)
# depends on what you observed when you opened your inbox.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:01, archived)
# viagra and warez junkmail.
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:09, archived)
# CLOSING DOWN SALE: EVERY LINK 50% LESS FUNNY THAN BEFORE
(I helped save b3ta! Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:47, archived)
# :D
(I helped save b3ta! Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:48, archived)
# Hehehe
(I helped save b3ta! elephant rider property shark sighted!, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:03, archived)
# badgers
the niggers of the animal kingdom
(I helped save b3ta! SiX and his hat, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:47, archived)
# Shoving Credit right up your puckered crunch hole
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:47, archived)
# I fought the law, and the law won. So I paid a member of the House of Lords £100K
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:47, archived)
# Dad throws daughter off bridge.

(I helped save b3ta! Whato_Jeeves Did your surgery require a vaginal mesh patch?, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:47, archived)
# (BUS MESSAGE IN PURPLE)(NOW IN RED)(OH LOL, THE YELLOW BIT)
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:48, archived)
# haha
fucking images of busses eh...

(Tefty thought long and hard about posting this on, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:50, archived)
# hgahahahahahaha!
*click*
(I helped save b3ta! Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:52, archived)
# lol
nice 1 :D
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:54, archived)
# Edit>Trasform>Perspective is your friend.:P
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:04, archived)
# I've always preferred "distort"
More control...
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:09, archived)
# Gordon Brown; single handedly eliminating class overnight by making everyone poor
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:51, archived)
# Go on - its blue bits are aching
to turn purple at the firm touch of your mouse.
(I helped save b3ta! enceladus, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:52, archived)
# Don't buy beds from IKEA, they don't have slats...oops
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:52, archived)
# Ikea Nëwslëttä, £165 (slats sold separately)
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:07, archived)
# Newsletter, now 40% more absorbant. Be confident.
(k3b/-\b Peace man., Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:53, archived)
# shitting in a condom just for the viking funeral
(I helped save b3ta! gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:54, archived)
# Broadband in every home by 2012? Let's sort the fucking Olympics out first lads ffs
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:57, archived)
# The Tate have got some Polish twat in...possibly to fix the guttering.
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 9:59, archived)
# I'm rob and I'm gay
(I helped save b3ta! hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:01, archived)
# Why do birds, suddenly appear....every time, Bernard Manning's near...
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:01, archived)
# Pasanonics ignore list found on train

picture that popular it was taken down
(I helped save b3ta! prodigy69 broke b3ta and made everyone leave, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:07, archived)
# With more cool links
than Chinese Ice Hockey.
(I helped save b3ta! enceladus, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:08, archived)
# Jonathan Ross is this years bwack
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:10, archived)
# Random ban lottery instated to cull whiners and infighting, rob manuel to buy eighth speed boat with donation funds, /talk board users quietly moved to seperate website and /QOTWers just told directly to fuck off
(I helped save b3ta! hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:12, archived)
# Distracting weblinks fuel recession
it's all b3ta's fault
(horrid, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:15, archived)
# Sponsored by Devastatin' Dave
The Turntable Slave

*Zip Zap Raps*
(I helped save b3ta! mugatu, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:17, archived)
# Now with extra apostrophes donated by Birmingham council
illiterate fools.
(I helped save b3ta! prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:22, archived)
# Call of Duty 5....not as good as 4. What the shuddering fuck?
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:24, archived)
# different development team
C.O.D 4 Infinity Ward -- woo!
C.O.D 5 Treyarch -- boo!
C.O.D 6 Infinity Ward -- woo!
(I helped save b3ta! prodigy69 broke b3ta and made everyone leave, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:27, archived)
# B3TA bosses promise financial aid to struggling B3tans
For a paper copy of this newsletter please send £20 to the usual address.
(I helped save b3ta! 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:29, archived)
# "Manipulating you illicitly since 2001"
(I helped save b3ta! Zuowan, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:40, archived)
# We're sliding a gong on the chest of a slave...
(I helped save b3ta! cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 10:44, archived)