it all went dark
When I was a wee little nipper (about 5?) my gran had a rottweiler called Ben.
He was a huge evil bugger who had twice had to be stitched back up after jumping through plate glass windows to get at the postie and once bit another dogs ear off. Seriously, he was huge. My grandad was a butcher and fed him well.
Fortunately he loved me.
I used to ride about on his back and play with him all the time.
Anyway, there I am, in the hallway. Just me and Ben. I was lying on my back and stroking him, ben sitting just to my left. Then Ben slowly stands, shifts slightly, then sits back down again. ON MY FACE!!!!!!!
I can still vividly remember the warm, hairy, suffocating darkness. I was pinned in place by my head. I couldn't scream or breathe, my body bucking up and down, my mouth and nose buried deep in canine knackers.
I don't know whether it was my writhing or just good luck but he finally stood back up again and I lived to tell the tail(sic).
(hippoman, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:16, Reply)

Beeeeees!
Once upon a time, long long ago, I was staying up at my Aunt's farm in Enniskillen. Was playing outside when I spied myself a bee. Now, I'd like to say this was my first encounter with such an insect and thus make my actions seem less stupid, but alas no, I'd been stung by one not long before as it was attracted to my lovely flowery shorts and took a disliking to me pinching it.
ANYWAY I found a piece of plastic sheet lying about and thought "Hmmm I wonder what could happen if I slap the bee with this!" Took me about 10 minutes to actually make contact as it was rather high up (yes that's right, I was a little trooper!) and needless to say said bee was none to happy and took to chasing me inside the house and into my room, where I thought I'd lost it until I felt it crawling UNDER my t-shirt and stinging me on the shoulder. Ow. Painy painy pain followed.

Also, again on a farm, I tried to feed this cow some grass and it started licking my hand. "Oooo-er" thought I and skampered off only to be chased across the field by a heard of about 20 cows, with the one with a newly aquired taste for flesh leading the stampede (we were both on opposite sides of a fence, but still didn't stop teh fear!)



No.
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:09, Reply)

My Neighbour had a rabbit...
...But this wasnt just any ordinary rabbit. This particular one was a small, black haired demon that had a habit of breaking free from it's hutch and coming to our garden to harrass our peace-loving hippy bunny.
One particular incedent of this kind involved my mother, who was tending to hippy bunny when the spawn of satan scrambled under our fence and pounced, teeth baring, onto my mum, digging its claws into her skirt.
I was observing through the kitchen window to great delight as my mother (who is normally very calm and refuses to swear) spinning round frantically, screaming "GET OFF ME YOU FURRY BASTARD!" and trying to pry this creature of of her skirt with a brush handle as it REFUSED to part company with her.
Oh how we laughed, until the neighbours turned up to the back gate.
( Noo_Noo Is now 'BeerElf Jnr', I guess :), Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:08, Reply)

Big-spitting-monkey-thing
I have only a vague memory of this since it happened some twenty odd years ago when I was much younger, however, parents took a family holiday in Kent and took me and my sister to visit the Howletts animal park. Having (presumably) a nice happy family day when we came to the orangutangs (sp??), anyway, big orangey coloured monkey things. 5 year old me stands looking at monkey thing, monkey thing looks back at me. Then monkey thing stands up and unleashes a fountain of monkey-spit all over me. (there were buckets of it, monkeys have big mouths). Suffice to ay I was drowned and will only go back if I am able to find the fucker and sell him to a Chinese monkey brain restaurant. Twat!
(MrJelly, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 16:03, Reply)

Umpteen narky bovines
2 posts in 24 hours. yayy!! I'm out this morning walking along a road next to a field full of cows, minding my own and one by one they all start coming over, whereupon I notice that they're bulls, they're all heading this way and they look a tad miffed. Not to worry thinks I, there's a fence between me and them. As they followed me round the field, always about 10 yards away, not in a wander along at the same pace as me kind of manner, rather a stand still and stare and then run a few more feet forwards as one unit huffing and thundering and scaring me silly kind of way I started frankly to poo myself, conjuring up images in my scared little mind of the kind of death normally only seen with CGI or in cartoons, 2 dozen or so loopy farmyard creatures crashing through the fence and chinning me. Obviously the cat has read my previous post and thought he'll teach me to slag him off by putting word around the animal grapevine that I deserve a good pasting for dissing him. On reflection they must have been chavs, a big group, not getting to close, picking on a weaker individual, all threat and no actual action........? Methinks I could be right.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Fri 3 Jun 2005, 15:51, Reply)

Seagulls 'n' burgers
Not me, but I was a witness....

Brighton Pier, walking towards the end on the left hand side (sea to my left), past the arcades. Ahead of me is a tub of lard woman, about 5'2" and 20 stone plus, waddling along with a horse burger (or similar) clamped in her left paw.

This fucking seagull comes boshing down from top left, steals just the meat from the burger and sails away to the canopy top right, where it proceeds to wolf the burger. Dozy bint is like 'what happened? where's my burger?' and is looking gormless, I am fucking pissing myself laughing.

Er...that's it. Fuck it, it made me laugh.

Insert obligatory penile dimensions allusion here.
(InfiniteZenMaster, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 15:51, Reply)

Pig gets the chop
When I was around 12 years old back in the mid eighties I lived in a back of beyond Welsh valley town where one day my dad took me to visit my Uncle Jack who had a small holding.
Jack had this big fucking pig that resembled in size a Shetland pony and it was so tame it acted like a dog. Unfortunately for the pig Jack wasn’t interested in a mans best friend relationship, and the pigs card was marked for being the main attraction at Sunday dinner.
Having enlisted my father’s help Jack started playing with the pig who laid down allowing jack to scratch and pat the doomed porker who know doubt thought what a wonderful life it had and happily snorted in pleasure with its eyes closed.
At the given sign from Jack, my dad deftly jumped on the pig holding it down shouting to me to join him as the pig started to get wise to the situation.
It was at this time things started to go a bit wrong when Jack revealed his chosen implement of death, having no doubt agonised for hours at the quickest way to dispatch the pig the stupid bastard pulled out a junior hacksaw and gamely started having a go at the pigs big bulbous leathery neck.
To be fair, before the pig threw me and my dad off Jack had made progress, the down side being that this was at the expense of around 30 odd seconds in which the pig was no doubt in pure agony.
Anyway, having bucked me and my dad off it started chasing jack around the paddock. Bad news for the pig was that Jack had obviously got his jugular on the way and the paddock descended into a surreal scene akin to the part in Clint Eastwoods High Plains Drifter, where he had the town’s people paint the town red.
After about five minutes the pig gave a final lurch in Jacks direction and gave up the ghost leaving behind him a sea of blood that had not only turned the ground muck red, but also made pretty artistic patterns due to arterial spray.
Jack was groaning where the pig had bitten him on the leg and my dad was calling him a tosser for not using something more appropriate. I just stood there traumatised by it all but perked up when my dad bribed me on the way home into saying nothing to my mam buy buying me an ice cream.
Anyway in a bizarre twist of fate Jack died last year of cancer, funnily enough he coughed up his lungs and choked on his own blood, much like the pig.
You got to laugh at the irony.
(If it could happen to me like that i'd shit my pants, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 15:38, Reply)

Bastard horses
Many moons ago I was walking past a gate by which there was a horse. Being the animal friendly person that I am I thought I would go and rub said horse's head.

Nasty bastard bit me around the nipple and left a set of teeth marks which bled, hurt like hell and stayed with me for about 6 months afterwards. I wouldn't mind, but I was bunking off school at the time and thus couldn't go home nor get any sympathy/savalon from my mother.

I now happily consider horses as evil, calculating and sadistic 4 legged providers of dog food and glue.

They taste good in steak format as well...
( dan j the filthy bastard, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 15:37, Reply)

I was attacked by
The Animals, after telling Eric Burdon that I thought House Of The Rising Sun was shit.
( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 15:30, Reply)

Spiders!!!
I am terrified of spiders and they know this, and torment me by appearing suddenly and chasing me down the road.

One day the biggest hairiest house spider in the world decided to pay me and my brother a visit. Fearing it might grab the fly swatter out of his hand, bro decides to attack it using a can of silver spray-paint - the idea being that the sticky paint would congeal it into a gummy immobile lump.

What it actually did was to create an extremely angry robotic looking uber-spider. It also did a great job of highlighting its horrible hairs making it look twice as big.

The cyber-spider came to a rather grizly end, dancing to death on our stove. All the other spiders know, and plot their sinister revenge.
( mutated monty, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 15:30, Reply)

Snake bites girl...
My ex has a rather pretty carpet python called, for reasons I never fathomed, Girl. My Ex was feeding her snake one day and the thing was being rather obstinate about taking the mouse on offer. As the minutes whiled away my Ex started to get bored and lose a little concetration. Just as she was shuffling around to avoid pins and needles the python struck, missed the mouse and bit her hand. Once it had got a taste for human flesh, it began to make its way up her arm. Apparently it got pretty much all the way up to her elbow before it was 'persuaded' to release its grip. For another unfathomable reason, my Ex kept the snake. Mad.
(Chicken Amygdala, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 15:23, Reply)

Dive Bombed
A 'mate' of mine while I was a miniature ex-pat in Suth Africa punched the head off a dive bombing bird whose territory we'd strayed into.

This particular bird laid it's eggs on the ground for some reason that logic cannot explain and we just happened (everyday) to walk through a waste patch of ground to get to our local games arcade. This particular day, sqwaking like birds do, it began to circle and dive bomb us - HARYOOOKIN - headless bird, blood splattered us.

And another thing - same fella

sticks a straw up a bullfrogs arse, blows it up through the straw, drops a brick on it.

shoots a pigeon out of a tree with a catapult and then pulls it apart with his bare hands

Im not apologising for length, he didn't as he drove his into my baby sister

(all true apart from the rape)
(saltydogstar, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 15:08, Reply)

i tried to stroke a bee once.

..the bastard stung me.
( null and void, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 15:02, Reply)

always look where you're going..
try being chased across a pebble beach by a fuck off big Walrus who's territory you've just walked into ... they may be ugly and they may be huge but they can fucking move.
sh*t my pants... I very nearly did.

length & girth? not willing to find out.
(girliebitz, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:57, Reply)

FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING GEESE
A whole fucking FLOCK of the fucking cunts. I was three at the time, visiting Grandad on his farm. For no apparent reason, a whole bunch of fucking cunt fuck geese spotted me, noticed I was small, and decided "oh, look, there's a small thing. Let's attack it!" FUCKING CUNTS CHASED ME HALFWAY ACROSS THE FUCKING PADDOCK, THE FUCKING FUCKING CUNTS. If my Dad hadn't arrived and beaten up the ringleader, I'm sure they would have eaten me. Fucking cunting GEESE. ALL GEESE MUST DIE. ALL GEESE MUST DIE.
(A small damp ball of cotton, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:53, Reply)

a Donkey, a seagul and a bee.
When I were a wee lad (7 years old) on holiday in Scotland, my mum and dad took me to some 'lovely scenic' bollocks place. (Of course it was Scotland so it was raining and all you could see was grey but I digress)
Anyway I am feeding lumps of grass to a donkey when it decides that my waterproof jacket would make a better meal. Next thing I know is this donkey kind of sucking and biting me just above my right hip. I start squeeling and mum repels my attacker with a swift sabre like stab of Umberella. Ta.
Jacket was left covered in smelly donkey goo.

jump to 18 years old.
I was an Apprentice engineer in a ship yard. Typical day at work so my journeyman and I are looking for suitable sunbathing / resting areas away from managerial observation.
We end up on the roof of an enormous shed containing submarine sections. We see a nest and decide to investigate - you guessed it, Parent seaguls go wild and attack us. People in the factory below could see us crawing along the guttering as we escaped. How we laughed.

And a bee stung me. Bastard.

First post. Feel the length and width baby.
(ganglepin, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:51, Reply)

Deer me
When I was about 6, I was kicked in the grapes (as they were at that time) by a deer. My Dad used to do research and sometimes had to catch them and mark them. I was helping and one took a dislike to me holding it.
I can acclaim the fact that their hooves are small but certainly pack a punch. I may have cried.
(The Lord God Almighty My bottom smells of poo, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:50, Reply)

Argh! Bees!
Was putting some stuff in the loft (attic to you americans) for my parents, a couple of suitcases etc. Shoved one to the back corner, and carried on putting everything else up there too.

Before i go on i should explain that out loft doesnt have a ladder, you have to open a cupboard and stand on a chair, then stand on some nailed-in bits-of-wood which you can use as footholds. Easy enough to get up and down if you take your time.

Anyway, in the loft i heard some buzzing, and the next thing i know im literally surrounded by bees in this relatively small loft, with nowhere for them to go. My mum and dad were wondering what i was shouting about while i was up there, unaware that i was being stung A LOT. I basically ended up hanging by my fingertips out of the loft hatch, dropping down then quickly jamming the hatch shut.

Mum phones the pest removal people and came round in that afternoon, they said that one of the suitcases in the corner had squashed a big hive that had been there for yonks, when they had finished spraying it and they brought it down, it was bloody massive.

_{insert cliched length.girth comment here}
( Goon, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:48, Reply)

Last year in Morocco
when I was digging a pit to shit in, minding my own business, what should jump on my head but a beetle the size of a mouse. I jumped a fucking mile.
(Slurpy The Frog, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:47, Reply)

When we attacked animals
Drunker than we should have been, my friends and I thought of a great prank (okay, it was from an old Mad Magazine). I had found one of those charts that show where the different cuts of beef come from on a cow (loin, ribs, etc). Wouldn't a farmer just crap himself to see that chart spraypainted on his cows? Har har!

You know, cows may be pretty dumb, but they are not stupid. They are also WAY bigger up close than they are from the road! We also found that three drunk guys cannot sneak up on a herd of cows, especially when one of them has a can of spraypaint going "clickety clickety clickety."

Thus, the world's greatest prank went unpulled.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:42, Reply)

Pro bmxer Brian Tunney got attacked by a goose.
From www.federalbmx.com

'Today, I was riding through a parking lot near my house in an industrial complex. I had just come down a pretty big hill, zipping along at a fairly good speed, when a canadian goose swooped in from behind, landed its talons into my back and started pecking at my head. I jack knifed over the bars going about 15 mph, then got up to reveal the goose coming straight at me, so I grabbed my bike and kinda did a tailwhip motion and hit it on the side.
After the bike landed, it came at me again and I actually fucking punched the bird in the face, which made it relent and take off. I assume I had riddn in close by the goose's eggs, and it was protecting them.
Anyway, I have a hole in my knee that's gotta be stitched up, and I just got all of the splinters out of my hand. When I jack knifed over the bars, my right hand and left knee took the impact, and the ground was sketchy,
gnarly gravel of course. This might be the strangest thing that's ever happened to me. I also just realized that the past two times I've been really fucked up and had to go to the hospital have now been because of encounters with wild animals (the other being that I contracted cat scratch fever from a stray cat)....BT'
(nutsgeezer, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:41, Reply)

Bonxies
I was visiting Unst (the northernmost Shetland island) with my family as a young lad. We were walking to the northernmost point of the island and predictably I was running ahead. I heard a flapping of wings behind me, turned and came face to face with an Arctic Skua (locally known as a bonxie) diving at me to protect its territory.

As a small child, seeing a large bird of prey at a range of about a metre was reasonably scary and so I dropped to the ground and screamed. Naturally, my family some distance behind me assumed that I'd run over a cliff, this was my final scream as I fell to my doom and so they came running. The inevitable consequence of which was that another bonxie dived at my mother, hit her on the side of the head and knocked her over.
(danielrendall, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:34, Reply)

Man-eating pony
I was bitten by this unkept-looking pony down at the aqua park. That bleedin' hoofer nicked me in my leg, and I still have a scar from it, though it was just a surface wound, didn't even need iodine.
(Aquabeast, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:30, Reply)

nipples
when i was younger
I was bitten by a horse that used to live at the end of my road.
Went to pick up a football which had rolled near its gate,
and as i stood up, there he was right in front of me and before i could react
he bit me on the nipple!

oh, i also got chased home by a big dog the
other night whilst walking home from a
friends. Well i say chased, i just had to walk
backwrds to keep him in view
for about 5 blocks

they can smell your fear you know! :)
( Ironman tetsuo Back once again with the renegade mastah!, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:22, Reply)

Not me but
I knew this bloke called Rod who got pushed off his roof by an emu.
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 14:04, Reply)

moo
Me and a friend were walking through a field on a public path, and the field was full of cows. they were happily grazing away on the other side of the field. It was quite a big field, so the cows seemed quite small (or far away). We came to a dip in the field and lost sight of the cows, but then we heard a rumbling sound. It was getting louder and we knew it could only mean one thing. As we ran towards the fence up the hill, we could see about 150 cows running towards us very fast. We made over the fence just in time, only to find the field we went into had a bull in it.

I'm still here to tell the tale
( SarahRatt, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:51, Reply)

Hammy Attack
When I were a lad I used to go every Sunday morning to the local Newsagents to get my Dad his Sunday newspaper and a packet of cigs.
One Sunday I decided to take our hamster inevitably called "Hammy" with me and popped him in my jacket pocket.
The little bugger waited until I it was my turn to be served before crunching down on my Index finger.
"AAARRGGGHHH!"" I screamed at the newsagent when he asked what I wanted.
(eddy666, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:51, Reply)

bitey kitten!
My boyfriend has 4 cats, two nice, two completely inbred bastards. They are the southern red neck married-my-cousin types of the cat world. Apart from trying to shag his sister at any given opportunity, the male cat who shall be known as Murphy also enjoys, for no given reason, biting and clawing anybody who happens to be in his vicinity.

In the boyfriend's eyes he can do no wrong. I, on the other hand, hate the little black and white fucker and so apparantly it's my fault when he takes a chunk of my flesh for his own.

Anyway, cut to the chase....when I stop at the boyfriend's house we end up sleeping on a futon in the lounge [insert wooden pallet and back ache galore]. So:

Bare feet+duvet twitching+psycho inbred cat = needle-claws and bitey teeth making contact with sensitive feet.

The shit. No, it's not 'aww he's just playing!' it's 'he's a deviant inbreed with anger problems.' gah.

ps. I love cats, I have 3 of my own! they are fluffy and cute. not completely evil cnuts. It is funny when he licks the futon cover though. Have no idea why he does it. And no idea why the phrase 'licking futon' should be so amusing! Just me then? right.
(TruckfulsOfWoo, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:43, Reply)

Pidgeons and budgies, and ants...
Not all at once though...

When younger, my parents would take us camping in the new forest, here I was attacked many times by wood ants. When you're grown up you can just go 'ow' a bit and pick them off, but as a five year old I panicked and ended up covered head to toe inthe fuckers screaming like a mong on acid.

Anyhow, this other family that also went, their dad was a right helmet, one day they came to our house. My sister had a budgie which she would let out to fly around the sun-lounge. WHen this guy dame round we had to hide the budgie upstairs, as he had recently been driving along on his (presumably gay) motorbike (wearing leathers, aviators and a big moustache) when he had been hit in the chest by a pidgeon, leaving him with a morbid fear of anything avine, including... budgies

I repeat: Budgies

I'm not sure if you've ever seen or met a budgie but in the grand scheme of things they are hardly the most dangerous or terrifying animals, being as they are, largely quite diminuitive and mostly interested in eating millet and trill, they are not even omnivorous, much less carnivorous.

Christ that bloke was a steaming arse-candle.


THUR-THUR-THUR
( Liquid Crystal, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 13:29, Reply)