not attacked so much but...
Leaving Reading Festival 2000, as we were waiting for someone to bring the car around we were being pestered by increasingly vicious looking swans for food. Having no food on me, except some laxitive chocolate I'd found on a scavaging hunt and thought "Ooh, that'll come in handy somehow", I figured it would both solve the problem and teach them a lesson, so I distributed it... Glad I wasn't around to see the results! Sorry Reading residents.
( NomDePlume fo shizzle my nizzle old bean, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 1:33, Reply)

I have bright BRIGHT red hair
When I was a little girl I was wandering through a park and a big bird swooped down and ripped off a clump of my hair, leaving me bleeding and utterly confused.
Days later in the same park we saw the bird building a golden nest...
(notmother, Sun 5 Jun 2005, 1:23, Reply)

Cows, Squirels, Chickens and imaginary monkeys
When I was about eight I was taking the dog for a walk in a nearby field with my Dad. We had got halfway across the field when from out of nowhere (Well okay, it was from out of the adjacent field, but the concept of cows materialising out of nothingness is quite amusing) came a cow, which began to charge towards us. (Yes, I know Bulls are more traditional) My Dad grabbed a branch, peresumably to beat off the cow, while I ran for the gate, which seemed bloody far away to my little legs. I'm still not sure what to feel about the image of my Dad 'heroicly' wielding a stick at charging cattle. Still, I'm even more disturbed by the memory that I somehow managed to write about this in an English SATs exam when I was thirteen.

I have also attracted the unfavourable attentions of a squirrel, which decided that my head was good target practice. I was quite bemused to be hit in the head with an old apple core (I know they traditionaly through nuts, but as my bovine attacket was also 'nut' free I'm noticing a trend.) even more so when I noticed the prepatrator looking own on me from a tree above.

Going back a bit more now I have just also remembered being attacked by a chicken. (Again 'nut' free) I was tiny at the time and they had come into our garden from nextdoor. My mum suggested I go out and play with them. I can't remember the attack itself, but I do remember sitting on my Dad's knee and being fed Smarties. I later peretended I was a pirate thanks to my black eye (I was slightly confused there I think.) Infact, looking back I was close to actually loosing an eye there.

The monkey was going to appear here, but then I remembered the chicken. As the monkey was imaginary and thus didn't do any damage outside physchological and a fear of walldrobes I will leave it out in favour of the chicken, leaving tasty morsels here to make the story sound more interesting than it actually was.
(JamesG, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 23:56, Reply)

Canadian Geese are evil - it's official
I was attacked on more than one occasion by Canadian geese - they're big muthafuckers and when you're 5 yrs old, they seem even bigger. I was chased all the way round Smethwick park by a CG aged 5, bitten on the bum by one aged 7 (I suspect it may have been the same psycho goose) and then chased into a pond (yes I wasn't looking where I was going) by one.

I was also bitten by a horse when I was 3 as my nan said I should share my crisps with it. Bastard. I now have a morbid fear of horses. Oh yeah, and Canadian geese.

In another unrelated episode, my friend's dog once took a liking to my then partner's moleskin jeans. We'd gone to her house to pick her up on our way out for the night, doggy escapes from kitchen and attaches self to my b/f's leg, starts humping it madly. I am desperately trying to detach said animal from the leg but to no avail. Doggy eventually ahem, climaxes, leaving my boyf with a lovely jizzed-up leg. Niiiice. Made us really late as he insisted on trying to remove the stain and ended up having to borrow some trousers off my mate's husband!

Apologies for length and rambling...
(SpongyMonkey is an honorary East Anglian on, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 23:49, Reply)

Pigeons eh?
Was in 2nd year at school and my school has a 2 different buildings. So I'm crossing from one to another during a period change. Dirty fucking pigeon, who must have been practicing his aim all year, flies over and one good splat gets my head and back.

I go to the toilet to clean myself up and get to class about 5 minutes late. Teacher is a right moany boot and asks why I am late. So I have to stand there and tell her the whole thing infront of the class.

I hate computing teachers....oh and pigeons.
(puggs, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 23:23, Reply)

Squirrels
One of the endearingly fluffy vermin that stalk any area with trees, they remind me of babies the way they stare at you with cold dead eyes yet containing just a hint of mania.
I had finished work and was waiting for my friend to come home so I could go round his and play pool, so I got a sandwich to eat and everywhere I went this furry little fucker went also, causing such paranoia that I was unable to finish my sandwich in peace for fear that he would be one of those flying squirrels and have at me with his malevolent cuteness.

I ended up walking a mile to avoid him.

And the sandwich tasted like poo.
(thePontificator, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 21:42, Reply)

Little Dog
Many years ago when I was a little tyke, I was sitting on the front step of my house, playing with a little train when a small dog came up. Oh, how cute it looked with it's fluffy fur and it's wagging tail. It then looked at me and started to growl at me. For defense, I grabbed a stick that was next to me, but it was no use! The fucker ran up and engulfed my entire hand in its mouth, biting down with all its might! How I cried. I still have the scars to this day. I got the last word. The owners killed the damn thing for its outbreak. Turns out it had done this a couple times before. Bastard poodles.
(somethingwitty, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 20:50, Reply)

pig cunts
a mate of mine once decided enough was enough and kicked one of his uncles pigs to death.
(fwack bang on it, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 20:45, Reply)

hamster cunts
i once put a hamster down my pants................................................nuff said
(fwack bang on it, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 20:43, Reply)

My fish tried to eat my finger today
I prefer to think it was giving me a kiss
(Gat Bandish I've got wood in my soul, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 20:43, Reply)

Squirrels!
I hate them! Evil EVIL bastards. They have taken over the cemetery near me and I think they eat people.
I mean, last time I was there, I was walking down the pathway, minding my own business, and I swear, I blinked and I was suddenly surrounded by them! They were all staring at me with their hungry eyes. All ready to pounce.

This is my excuse for running out of the cemetery like a baby...
(MeZ, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 20:39, Reply)

Its only a joke... but it made my day when i heard it!
Two dogs in a vet waiting room:

Big Dog: Evenin' small-dog, what you here for then?

Small Dog: Aw, its embarrasing. When my missus, a beautiful leggy blond woman, bend over the bath naked, I couldnt help myself.. I had to hump 'er then and there...

Big Dog: Yeah, Me too, I know how you feel mate...

Small Dog: Oh so you here to get yer bits chopped off too then?

Big Dog: Ha! No way mate! - i'm just gettin my claws clipped...

As for real life? - A school friends mum used to pick us both up from school, and bring a big hairy smelly dog in the car. This dog used to leap out of the car, run up to me, and stuff a big wet breathy nose right up my school skirt and into my pants!

Nothing would deter it... I ran, and it ran faster. I tried kicking out, but it just got excited. And it was so big that it took two people to haul it off me. - I took to standing on the wall to avoid it, the dog learned to jump...

All the school-boys would wait to watch and laugh at me struggle (chivalry? WTF?). I dont think i have ever been so embarrassed on a daily basis since then. And i can still vividly recall the feeling of something cold and wet sliding up the inside of my thigh under my school skirt... perhaps that's why i'm still not keen on school uniform nites-out!!!
(hanx, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 19:55, Reply)

well,
the animal didn't attack, per se, but here goes...
this story's been passed down throughout my family for the past 3 decades now... when my mum was still dating my dad, she had to survive the obligatory 'visiting the soon-to-be mother in law'. so... sitting in the living room, making absolutely fucking minute talk, as opposed the normally uncomfortable small talk, you see, and my dad lets off a fart. not particulalrty loud, so no-one comments.

however, the dog was sitting under a chair around this time, and decides to come out form its hiding place. it takes one sniff of the air, looks around accusingly, and vomits hugely in the middle of the carpet.
( nowhere.elysium Exploder of cats, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 19:03, Reply)

Star Wars pigeon
Summer of '77, I was young, arrogant and seven years old. Came out of the cinema on Oxford Road, Manchester, having just witnessed 'Star Wars' for the first time. I was completely blown away and my young mind was full of images of far away places and wonderful exotic alien species.

The second I walked out of the cinema a huge pigeon flew straight into my forehead, knocking me out. My friend and his older brother acting as 'parent' for the day were appalled as they comforted my prone body on the pavement. I regained consciousness after a few seconds and remembered to cry like a small child who had just been hit by a two pound feathery weight. As I came to, my misery was compounded by the sight of a dead pigeon by my right cheek and blood flowing into my eyes from a deep V-shaped cut on my forehead caused by a beak, which left a scar for several weeks.

Whenever someone mentions 'Star Wars' (or 'Scar Wars' as some hilarious friends call it) my hand automatically moves to my forehead for a reassuring massage.

I hate pigeons. Apologies for length and forehead rubbing.
(limeskies, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 18:58, Reply)

Dogs
My girlfriends dog, a big alsatian, was once sitting outside on the lawn outside her house. Her dad was up a ladder, fixing the roof. Cue him falling off the ladder, slicing a chunk the size of a tennis ball off his arse as he falls. Cue the dog runing over and eating the chunk of flesh in its entirety. He had an implant to replace the chunk missing. And the dog didn't get punished once, because he hadn't had any breakfast that day. Weird fucking family, honestly.
(HawkerTyphoon, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 18:57, Reply)

South Africa again
Sitting in a cafe having some lunch and I saw this pidgeon sitting outside. Suddenly it looked up and decided to fly into the cafe, probably to steal my food, flew straight towards me at a fair speed (as pidgeons go).... and SMACK! - flew headfirst into the window seperating the cafe from the outside world.

Pigeons are stupid.
(therocker, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 17:57, Reply)

Koalas
Not in real life, exactly, but I had a dream once where I was in a zoo, watching a handler talk about her koala that was on the tree next to her.

Suddenly, the koala jumped from the tree to the lady's face and began to kick her in the ribs. Being the hero that I am, I rushed into the pen and pried the koala off of the woman, only to have the koala turn on me and begin to punch me in the face.

Furious, I landed a few body blows, and then choke slammed the furry little bastard into the ground, taking it down for the count.

Then of course I got medals and parades and so on, but the best part of the dream was returning to the koala pen and seeing the dejected look on the critter's face.
(deilbfe6ogcshnbcryjh, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 17:56, Reply)

I got a wasp up the trouser leg once.
Right in the middle of a playing field, full of other kids. I felt a buzzing, then a nasty sting, and finally dropped my trousers to get the damned thing out after whacking myself on the legs like a spaz didn't seem to do much.

Bloody hurt, so it did. I hate wasps.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 17:27, Reply)

Similar vein to Pigeon v Patio Door
Stood on a platform at a train station one afternoon waiting for the train home. A freight train came round the corner at a fair speed and I watched it approach. Just as it was about level with me, a pigeon decided that the train was no match for it's pigeon powers and flew straight in front of the lead locomotive.

There is a splat and a comedy cloud of feathers like a pillow has just been burst, and a perfectly in-tact but very dead pigeon is deposited on the platform.

I gave it a decent burial by nudging it over the platform edge with my foot.
(absurdistan, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 17:18, Reply)

Typical Spanish beach holiday...
I got a little bored and decided to go snorkelling. Got all the kit on and started swimming out, after about 10 metres i noticed some fish on the sea bed and followed them. Not 30 seconds after i had spotted the fish, my leg started to sting and i noticed a jellyfish hovering quite close to my leg. Instinctively i moved away, into another jellyfish this one latched onto my leg. Really stinging now, i shook it off and started to swim back to shore .. through a whole shoal of them. My whole body started to burn and i tried to swim as fast as i could back to the shore, and its not that easy when your covered by jellyfish who are stinging you constantly.

Anyway in the process of things i made it to shore and managed to take the flippers off and stumble up the beach to where the rest of my family was. Feeling totally knackered and still burning i collapsed infront of my mum who screamed at me, i didnt realise that i still had a jellyfish on my head, my body was numbed to the pain at this point i just wanted to know how to make it stop.

Well we all know how to stop a jelly fish sting don't we, i looked around and the people next to us were having the same problem, my eyes are now scarred from seeing a fat spanish man pissing on his 10 year old daughter. Well i didnt have to go through that, the people we were with had some jellyfish relief cream, so i covered myself in the stuff.

Needless to say i didnt go back into the water much that holiday, but i did stand on the shore with a fishing net and catch hundreds of jellyfish, they just kept on coming in. I dug a hole in the sand and buried them all, it made me feel better :)
( DeathWish, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 17:04, Reply)

Foot-fetishist cats
Last year I was staying in a log-cabin in the Swiss Alps. It didn't have a bathroom, so first thing in the morning I had to walk about 100 yards from the cabin to the shower block. One morning I was making this walk wearing a pair of flip-flops when I crossed paths with a rather fat cat. I stopped to stroke it, but it seemed more interested in my big toe. In fact, it seemed interested in eating it. I tried to carry on walking, but it walked with me. I started to run. So did the cat. Cue the scene of me wearing nothing but a towel and flip-flops, being chased across a campsite by an overweight cat. It only lost interest when I locked myself in a shower cubicle...
(cybersquatter_, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 16:46, Reply)

Snakes!
My stepdads rattlesnake got out of it's tank and he enlisted me to help chase it out from under the wall unit. I don't like snakes. He's telling me he's got it from the other side of the room when I see it's head sneak out and go for my feet. So I try to stamp on it. Turns out the snake had been defanged and this was his idea of a joke. They're both dead now.
( Captain Tripps is your taxloss lover from Liverpool, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 16:15, Reply)

Ducks!
I was once attacked by my sisters pet duck as I tiptoed barefoot to use the toilet one night. Little fucker ambushed me in the dark and tried to eat my feet! Family weren't impressed by my screaming at the top of my voice at two in the morning 'MotherfuckerMotherfuckerMotherfucker!' while trying to stamp on the vicous little basterd.
It mysteriously vanished a week later....
( Captain Tripps is your taxloss lover from Liverpool, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 16:09, Reply)

It didn't bite - but a good story anyway...
It's my daughters’ birthday this Monday and she asked if she could have a pet snake for a present.
Fair enough – so I got the necessary licence and bought a spotted python (Antaresia maculosa) from a dealer.
It’s only young and still quite small but can pack a sharp bite if upset.

She got the snake as an early present as she was having her party today (Saturday) and excitedly asks her little friends if they want to stroke her new pet. When they ask what it is, she simply (and rather evadingly) replies “Oh his name's Fluffy – you’ll love him, he’s so cute”.

Cue twenty two 7 year olds expecting to see a new kitten…actual result was about a third of them running around the back yard screaming (funny how kids bought up in the tropics are scared of snakes huh?)

She confided after the party that she was a bit disappointed that nobody got bitten – especially that bloody kid from next door who cheated at musical statues.
Never mind.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 16:06, Reply)

Urination procrastination and inflammation information
So I was watching television while getting ready for bed (I forget what programme). I needed the loo slightly, but the programme was on the BBC, so had no pissbreaks. Just as it was finishing I put 'Now and Next' on teletext and saw that I'd just missed the start of a programme I really wanted to see, so I switched over and start watching that.

The second programme was also on the BBC, by the time it got to within ten minutes of ending my bladder was screaming at me. By five minutes to the credits, I'd started pacing around my room in an agitated manner to help me try and hold it in (I don't know why this helps, but it does).

Since I was ready for bed, I was at this point barefoot. Mere minutes before the programme ends, I placed my foot forward and instead of being greeted by a sturdy floor it instead met tremendous pain. I looked down to see a huge bumblebee sitting on my floor. I'd jerked my leg back so fast I hadn't even crushed it (though obviously it would die soon having stung me). I'd somehow miraculously managed to not piss myself in all this, but hopping around my room with a full bladder was no picnic either. What was really concerning me was the effect the sting was having on my foot. Now, I'd been stung by bees and wasps a few times before, and it hurt but wasn't particularly painful. This sting however, was not only very painful but also seemed to be spreading across my foot and up to my ankle. This worried me enough to abandon the tail end of my TV programme, however before I did anything about my sting I absolutely had to pee.

By the time I'd hopped to the toilet and relieved myself (you know how you walk funny when you really need the loo, imagine what I looked like hopping it), the lower half of my left leg had begun to go numb.

I finally made it downstairs to the kitchen (where our medicine cupboard was) to deal with my sting (which had now made a worryingly large area of my foot quite red), and to resolve never to delay emptying my bladder again for the sake of a few minuteds of television.

I suppose I could have killed two birds with one stone by simply pissing on my foot.
( fool_on_the_hill, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 16:00, Reply)

I tried to flog a dead horse once
bastard gave me herpes
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 15:28, Reply)

Oh yes...
I almost forgot...
In 9th grade, my class was out with out teacher on a beach during the summer, just before springbreak. While we were away minding our own business and kicking some football, a swan decided to approach the place where we made camp, where our teacher also was sitting.
Of course, since we were on the beach, we earlier decided to take of our shoes and have a nice time. This proved to be the perfect opportunity for our teacher to get rid of said swan, so she started throwing our shoes at it, to our yelled out disagreement.
Luckily, our shoes survived the onslaught.
(Linusmartensson, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 15:24, Reply)

Evil sheep...
I remember being around 5 years old at the time, we used to visit some relatives on a farm where they had loads of sheep.
As the blunt youngster I was, I submitted to my parents request that I feed the sheep some bread and such things with great joy.
So I head into the cage and feed the sheep, I stay in there for a good few minutes.
When my bread runs out, some old evil crone-sheep decides to make a point and headbutts me. My parents laughed, the bastards.
(Linusmartensson, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 15:18, Reply)

Parade of idiots
I was once a canvasser for a do-good group and I was knocking on doors in American suburbia. I was trying to sell my spiel at one house to a woman in curlers when her antisocial German Shepard hurled himself through the screen of the storm door and chomped onto my clipboard.

I was running down the street with the beast closing (I learned later he had three legs), and the dog's owner, in robe and curlers, was hoofing along behind, screaming, 'Bad dog, Cujo!"

My employers were just arriving in a station wagon to round me up and take me back to HQ. My nerdheimer boss jumped from the car and joined the parade, yelling, "Drop the clipboard, boy! Drop the clipboard!"

Eventually I reached that invisilbe line at which a dog turns back. I stood panting while he relieved my boss of his trousers.
( scartoonist, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 14:22, Reply)

Penguin
At a zoo... The tour guide said it would be fine to stroke the penguins as they happily swim past... I stroked it on its first lap and everything was fine. Then came the second lap and my hand was already in the water.

The little slimy bastard bit me with its serrated beak and tore the skin from three of my fingers...

also my friend was bitten on the back of the neck by a horse... Apparently its the worst pain he's ever suffered!
(Kayozz, Sat 4 Jun 2005, 14:21, Reply)