Harry Hill
At a Harry Hill gig five years ago to a heckler ... "you may sit there a ridicle me but im going to go home from here in the certain knowledge that I have a roast chicken in the oven that should just be about ready"
(uttertosser, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:53, Reply)

my best come back is......
"yes well i have a shiney pickachu, and that always wins", instant shut up from every one
(Leroy_slade, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:53, Reply)

Arriving at my mates local village
On the border with wales...
Mini townie "oi, you, oi you got a phone?"
Me "yeah... Piss off"
Mini Twnie "oh..."

And that was the end of that
(thermal_assault, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:46, Reply)

my favorite insult to my little sister:
"You're a ho, and so's your sister."
(fantastic german, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:38, Reply)

camp teacher
in a sience class before xmas we were doin the effects of smoking and what not the camp teacher put a puture on the over head projector and said whats this, a crumpled fag said one student then the words its what u get whenu kick you in the nuts came out of nowhere every one burst out in laughter needless to day the gay teacher went ape shit every one got a detention but it was worth it
(gagagaz, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:37, Reply)

fucking year below cunts...
one monday afternoon, in hebrew after-school (don't ask), some twat in year nine, with fucked up teeth, sticks his head throught the door.
"is this detention?" he asks in the most stupid of stupid ways.
"no..." says my slightly mad teacher.
"now go away," i follow.
he looks at me and mutters something along the lines of "batty-grunger-boi..." (i have long hair and a love of indie)
i excuse myself from the class for a moment, and follow him outside.
i tap him on the shoulder and, before he can get a word in, simply say "crawl back to the hole you came out of, you buck-toothed cunt..."
he stands there looking astounded, as though i just slapped him with a fish.
needless to say i walked back to class laughing to myself...
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:23, Reply)

Oh, this one is gonna stay with me forever
While on holiday in Spain, we all got totally shit-faced (as you do), and decided it'd be a good idea to find more beer along the beachfront (preferably a nightclub).

Anyway, Garry, who was the most pissed-up, suddenly puked (a lot) all over the pavement - then shortly after slipped over in it, and puked some more.

He tried to get up, but couldn't... and we didn't want to help him because he was covered in vomit :(

Then suddenly some sexy woman appears with her bloke, and the conversation goes somethign like this...

Sexy Woman: "Are you allright?"
Garry: (slurring) "I can see up your skirt!"
Sexy Woman: "Can you?"
Garry: "No, but I'd like to!"

Always the womaniser, even when he's too pissed to stand up ;)
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:20, Reply)

giving a lift
A friend of mine and I gave a lift to two girls who were a friend of my brother. They were a bit thick, proto-chavs of their time (this was a good 12 years ago).

As we drive to Harlow Old Town one of them says, "Can you smell my feet?". Quick as a flash and without thinking I say "I thought that was your fanny". No idea why, totally out of character.

Her and her friend look at each other with a "whaaa?" look and my friend tries desperately not to crack up.

Still no idea what came over me.
(kiwanotree Meh, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:10, Reply)

Got one...
Not me, my brother, who, when he was 7, was a right cheeky git (and still is now, yaay.) and when this tough tall bloke says to him "Wat choo lookin' at?" he replied "I don't know, but it appears to be trying to communicate with me"
Cue dad running in and snatch him up before the guy could figure out what he said.
(Smitherz, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:09, Reply)

Winston Churchill again
Lady Something-or-Other: If you were my husband I'd put poison in your whiskey.

Winnie: If I were your husband I'd drink it!
(The Black Labrador, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:08, Reply)

Last night
my mate (who shall we say is carrying a little holiday weight) was being particulary rude to a girl i know in the pub. He pointed at her jubblies and began to speak - obviously about to speel another drunken insult. Before he got 2 words out she turns to him and says
"Yes, there called breasts - you have them too."

I pissed myself and my mate couldnt say another word.


well I guess you had to be there
(steve0, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:01, Reply)

Prozac Kev
My mate used to work with a guy they called Prozac Kev. Kev had been on Prozac for heaven-knows how long and it had really messed with his head.

So one day, God-Boss of the company comes around to tour the factory floor. In he hobbles like Young Mr Grace with an ear trumpet and a cane, and he taps Prozac Kev on the shoulder.

"Excuse me sonny, could I have a word?"

Kev turns around and says "Yeah, you can have two. Fuck off!"

He got his P45 the next morning.
(mikehall314, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:00, Reply)

`and
then I shat on the desk`
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:58, Reply)

Not...
...me but a friend. She had a clothes shop and some bloke was trying some trousers on the changing room and decided to flash his little gentleman at her...her response..."That looks just like penis only smaller"...genius, utter genius!
( fejling, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:58, Reply)

I've been waiting for this one...
once in an arguement against my mate sean i told him he's such a dick head (or something like that, cant remember the insult much) to be given the reply

"AT LEAST I'VE GOT A SKULL!!!"
(3mo Kid, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:57, Reply)

Yeah, well
getyourfactsrightbeforeyougoshootingyourbigmouthoff. Bitch.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:51, Reply)

This bloke looked at me funny

So I stabbed him
( wayward., Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:50, Reply)

I hadn't done my homework, and I came up with some dubious excuse
and the teacher (a sanctimonious prick by all accounts) asked me
"Do you think I'm stupid?"
to which I replied
"Well, yes"

Detention ensued
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:45, Reply)

Winston Chruchill...
At a party a woman remarked how Churchill was an insufferable drunker bore, to which Churchill said "Yes madam, and you are ugly. But tomorrow, I'll be sober."
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:38, Reply)

Oh this takes me back.......
Went out for a "quiet" meal with my wife one evening to a little restaurant. It was royally spoiled by some loud monied twunt, who basically thought everyone wanted to hear what he was saying. Every other word he shouted was some form of expletive, and every other sentence was about how wonderful he was.

By the end of the main course I was well hacked off with him and I went to the bar (which was right next to his table) to order another drink. He chose this moment to exclaim loudly that he ran a company that employed 500 people.

I turned to him and said fairly loudly myself "Really, and I bet they all think you're a twat like everyone in here does".

I got a round of applause and he shut up after that.




Also when at school many many moons ago, I got thrown out of a Home Ec class due to asking the teacher "Should we eat it or bury it?" with regards to the vegetarian lasagne she had just made. Also for following that question later by when she asked what would really finish it off replying "Coffin lid".
( repooc, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:36, Reply)

Picture the scene:
A fat woman getting on a bus;
Myself and two others, waiting to get off;

Woman: Can I get past you?
My mate Dexter: Maybe if you lost some weight, you lardy bitch.

The sheer hilarity of jumping off the bus and laughing as it drives off, while she was still standing in the middle of the aisle, shocked, was a sight I'll never forget.
(Javan, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:32, Reply)

Kind of a reverse come back but I feel I should report it
there we are, talking shite and frankie says
"your mama's so fat, when she jumps into the air she gets stuck"
Aidan, being too lazy to think of a witty reply says
"yeah, but I've had your ma"
and frankie, being totally of the ball, comes back with the razor sharp put down off
"Yeah, but that's because my ma's easy"
followed by
"I mean, dammit"
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:28, Reply)

I may be fat
but you're ugly, and I can diet
(Christesh, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:22, Reply)

i was having an argument with my friend's little brother (about 14 years old)
about who won a stupid game, and we were goin on for ages about who was the winner, and then he said "i bet you cant even spell winner" to which i triumphantly replied "G-E-N-E" (my name) and he sat there stunned, needless to say, i was the winner
(The Cosmic Boy Zombie (Formerly Pirate Cat), Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:20, Reply)

One lunchtime at the pub....
Don't even remember what it was about now, but myself and rest of our small section of the IT dept were all hanging round the pool table at our local and talking about something or other while playing a game.

I was disagreeing with a guy senior to me about something and neither of us were refusing to back down when he said something along the lines of "I know I'm right on this because I went to Public school"
Quick as a flash (i.e. before I'd really had time to think about it)
I heard the following words fly out of my mouth:
"Yeah, where you learnt to take it up the arse and keep quiet."

This was then followed by a few seconds of silence as what I'd said sunk in following by sniggering from the rest of the team.
I then took my shot on the pool table, constantly thinking "Did I just say that?".
I still wonder how those words came out when I'm sure I meant to say something along the lines of "What's wrong with the school I went to?" or something a little less inflammatory/insulting...
If you're reading this Stu, sorry, must've been my time of the month or summat...
I don't even drink when I'm at work either so it wasn't even booze related...
Hey ho, eh?
( GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:20, Reply)

"Your Mum" was great but I came up with a comeback!
It all happened in the golden age of when the phrase "Your Mum!" was the ultimate bad ass thing to say to people. Anyway there was a bunch of us in the dining hall queue and this kid was being really annoying and kept barging us and calling us names. So I told him to "fucking stop!" and he said...
"Your mum!"
Now I new this kid's mum had died recently so... I decided to reply
"At least I've got one!"
Everyone went silent. He started to cry. But at least it shut the little bugger up. Woo!
(I know I posted pretty much the same message last week but this time it actually matches the question!)
(I Want Billy, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:14, Reply)

yeah well
Yeah well....well...well...you smell!
(Rhythm pants, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:10, Reply)

Take THAT!
I was meeting with some friends and was running a bit late. When I got there, one guy (Dwayne) decided to state how much better than me he was. "Unlike you, I always come early!"

"Lets not bring your sex life into this conversation." Says I.

There is some general confusion. Then the light dawned. Yeah, he didn't talk to me again for the rest of the evening.
(dragonrose, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:09, Reply)

He fought the law
A friend was stopped for swaying in a police-irritatingly drunk fashion. 'Are you carrying any controlled substances?' asked the PC.
'No cunts on me, drugstable,' he leered back.
This doesn't really belong in the uncomebackable file, as he was immediately dragged off down the cop shop. Though maybe it does, because when he was found to be clean, they gave him a lift back and, when they stopped en route, he nicked a helmet from the back seat of the van without being noticed. Which policeman would dare report being done by a smartarse?
(Lowrider, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 19:06, Reply)