Socked it to her
I was 15. Deborah Turnbull had the best legs in the class, and her knockers were highly praiseworthy also. But she was also a bit of brain. It was going to take something unusual to sway her.

That's why I decided that the best way to woo her was to tuck my trousers into my socks and show her my 'cow's leg' flask I'd bought on holiday in Spain (a heinous tube of real calfskin with a genuine varnished hoof glued to the end).

The result was that I became widely known as a bit of a twat and remained a virgin until I was 24.

And they tell me women like a sense of humour...
(Fothermucker, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 16:13, Reply)

The Dome - Palace of Filth
Several years ago I worked in the not-so-fondly remembered Dome nightclub in Tufnell Park, North London. One Saturday, having finished my shift, I began drinking heavily in a bid to get a drunk as I could before the club closed an hour later and hence get at least some enjoyment out of my Saturday night. Several double vodka red bulls and a go in the mosh pit later, I walked into the toilets to be met with the sight of a man having a blazing row with his girlfriend. Also in the loo was what I could only presume to be a friend of his girlfriend who was very evidently sticking her oar is into the row.

Turning to me, this man whom I had never set eyes on before said “do me a favour and get rid of her mate” (pointing to his girlfriends’ pal), “I’m trying to talk to my girlfriend”.

Quick as a flash, I grabbed her hand and led her into one of the cubicles whereby we began to frantically do the French kissing. Roughly two minutes later she was happily kneeling on the piss-strewn floor, sucking me off. A blow job within minutes of meeting a girl. I didn’t even know her name.

To be fair, from what I recall she wasn’t the best looking girl in the world, and her technique wasn’t very up to scratch. As a result, after 15 minutes or so of her clumsily slobbering over my cock I was still nowhere near close to blowing my beans.


Looking up at me, what she said next haunts my dreams to this day...

“That’s strange, the other guy couldn’t come either”


Other guy? What other fucking guy?? On another night she must have meant, surely...
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:37, 6 replies)

*Would you like to dance?
Why yes.

Well fuck off and dance because I want to talk with your mate.

*Never, ever works.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:33, Reply)

I was once
introduced to a girl who was the friend of a neighbour.

I was recently single and had singlehandedly shagged my way around the village like a cheap, nymphomaniac whore, so was feeling a bit like a young George Clooney on heat after eating a man sized viagra tablet.

This neighbour was the nightmare neighbour from hell. She'd often walk in my house through the back door wearing nothing but a tiny dressing gown - usually with a couple of bottles of wine stashed inside. Once she climed in my bed naked and refused to leave unless I joined her.

Anyway, I somehow managed to convince her that this was not going to happen between us - certainly not while she was married to a bloody great big bloke anyway.

So it seems she figured, if she couldn't have me she'd introduce me to her mate. Her mate, as it turns out was a saucy, half-Italian girl who looked more than half decent. Suddenly, I was no longer trying to do a runner and I agreed to meet her.

She turned up at my house, along with the aforementioned neighbour from hell. Anyway, we were more-or-less going out on a blind date up until this point. I did actually recognise the girl, but seeing as she only lived about 10 miles away this wasn't a huge suprise. The neighbour introduces us both and then leaves us alone.

At this point, I was feeling that this girl hadn't come down for a 'date', she had actually come down with hopes of walking home like Marion Morrison; so I pulled a coin from my pocket, tossed it in the air and said:

"Heads, we eat first. Tails we go to the bedroom, and eat later."

She looked a little taken back, but said "Err....Heads then".

It was tails!

At that point, I said that we'd have to be pretty desperate to live our lives on the toss of a coin, grabbed her hand, lead her to the bedroom and then she discovered my length joke.

Sadly, it turns out that whilst not married (as was the aforementioned neighbour), unbenknownst to me, she was in fact in a pretty serious relationship with someone. Someone who shortly afterwards wanted to beat the living daylights out of me for doing his girlfriend up the wrongen' and the righten' all evening (never did get to go out to eat in the end).

She was also a psycho. She'd text me around 150 times a day, and then get upset if I didn't reply within around 3 seconds (I do have a job to do). Then she got a taxi the 10 miles from her place, simply to leave her dirty knickers hanging on my door. It got a lot worse, but that's probably for another QoTW.

So, when it comes to pulling and chat up lines, make sure that the person you are chatting up isn't attached, or at least isn't attached to someone bigger than you, and not a pyscho.

Bloody women!
(dchurch bah, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:32, 2 replies)

The way to a woman's heart
I offered her a crunchie bar if she would gou out with me.
She declined.
I ate the crunchie bar and ended up going out with her friend the next day.

Dating was less hassle when you were 8.
(7thtier 3rd from the left, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:30, 1 reply)

Memories, memories.........
Many moons ago when I was still but an apprentice I was out with a few bud's getting well and truly stoshis......

Towards the end of the night I found myself still relatively sober and talking (no less) to a young Goth lass....

As I had work the next day and being a person who lacked any form of self assurance at the time I made to take my leave of the young lady as I firmly believed I didn't have a ghost in hells chance with her (I could see that even under the make up she was a stunner) and so I let her know that I was off home as I had work the next day rather than just wander off, (god I was bloody boring even back then)..........

She asked why I was leaving so early (well after 1 in the morning and I started work as 7 after a bus/boat/bus journey to get to work so I was looking at maybe 4 hours kip tops).

As I had no clue whatsoever on the "how u r doing scale" I simply said I was off to make sandwiches so I could get an extra 10 minutes in bed in the morn......

Her reply was, "I make great sandwiches".............

I have no idea if she can as much as butter a slice of bread................ however I got to see what really really was under all that make up that night.

All the best ones are the ones you don't even see coming.....
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:17, 4 replies)

Not really asking out, more "general failure to not be single"
I was at the uni comedy club last Valentine's day, drunk, when the compere asked me if I had a date for the evening (two drinks in front of me). I replied that I did not. He squinted to see me slightly better, and replied "I'm not surprised mate".

Thank you random compere. Thank you.
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:17, 2 replies)

I am an abject failure at dating (part 2)
Inspired by the flirty comments on my last post (http://b3ta.com/questions/chattingup/post590182), I decided to give internet dating a go and so I arranged to meet a man at the weekend.

So off I trot to meet this man, he's ten years older than me - tho in person he seems so much older than that - and I should have been warned when he texted that he was wearing red cords and a blue jumper....

When I meet him, I find out that he is Peter Mandleson's advisor! It's not my dream date and I defo don't fancy him. However, he was interesting (like a car crash is interesting), so I thought I'd throw him a bone and agree to meet up again despite him not being my type at all. I was just trying to be nice.

Two hours later, I'm sitting in my mates flat talking about the date. She belongs to the same dating site as me so we check out her matches. While she is on-line, THE BLOKE I'VE JUST MET (just two hours ago, who had to "rush off to do xmas shopping") EMAILS MY MATE!!!! He sent her virtually the same email as he sent me - but had no idea we knew each other.

We both told him to fuck off.


ps; on a happier note, my mate and I then went on a bender for the rest of the day and ended up at my rock climbing centre for their xmas party. Despite being a little bleary eyed, I was asked out by a very nice chap and will have my first proper date in two years next week! Keep your fingers crossed for me.... I clearly need all the luck I can get!
( camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:07, 1 reply)

Twas in the United States
with the daughter of a colleague - was over there one summer doing temp work in Chicago (the place, not the musical).

We had not so much as kissed. Hell, not even flirted.

"Do you want to park up ?" she said.

I thought this was a prelude to us listening to some music and maybe having a quick snog.

Before the engine has stopped ticking over, she was in the back and her clothes were off.

Nothing like the direct approach, eh ?

Others in the "short and sweet" category:

- arguing with a fellow student (in fact, basically telling her she was talking bollocks) in the Uni bar, we go for a curry when I'm too drunk to have any more, when the waiter gives us the menu and I ask her what she fancies - "can't decide - but I do want to take you home and fuck you".

- "shall we get a taxi" said to a colleague after a work's Christmas do a few years ago. In fact, that one's worked several times in similar situations.
( I_Was_Mordred, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:35, 1 reply)

Well
In my late teens I once worked on Saturdays with a lady in her 30s - I spent ages plucking up the courage to ask her out and one day I did.

"Do you fancy going out for a drink tonight?"

"Why, is it your birthday?"

"No."

"Then wh...... oh. Er, maybe."

I fled the scene.
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:32, 1 reply)

I'm
the worst person when it comes to pulling people. I'm not drop-dead ugly or fat, I'm just very very head-in-the-clouds. I also have a terrible trait- the urge to be nice. I find it hard to tell people to fuck off, which has resulted in many many amusing situations for my friends (not for me) though luckily I usually manage to get rid of them after a while.

However the worst chat up line ever used on me was by a woman (we were in a gay bar so not really that surprising.) She was tall, butch and very scary. Her line was 'I like you. I really like you. And I'm not wearing knickers.' I'm not that short- 5'5 or so, but she was probably near the 6ft mark so, and just trapped me up against a wall to 'dance.' I ducked under her arm, grinned nervously and said. 'I'll get you a drink.'

I think I'm the only person whose bought someone a drink to get them to leave her alone (while she drank, I hid behind a taller friend.)

That was the failure (for both of us)

The success story. Well I've never used a chatup line, but the thing that worked was actually taking a massive breath, pysching myself up and actually asking someone out for a coffee. They accepted, and although the relationship didn't happen, it felt like a massive achievement that I'd actually initiated something, instead of doing the usual 'do they like me, do I dare make a move, I should just wait.' that I always do
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:11, 5 replies)

If at first...
RussT's concluding line "If you don't succeed at first try, try again" is obviously not for everyone.

I'm not the sort of bloke who would normally approach a random lady and begin a conversation from nothing, unless far too many sherberts have been quaffed; as last Friday evening can concur.

A rather pretty lady stood, roughly five to ten feet away from where I was sitting with a friend, and some acquaintances. She had been standing on her own for a little while, looking somewhat miserable so I decided to be the valiant, charming gentlemen and approach.

In my attempt to refrain from sounding desperate and sleazy, i come out with the quite amiable "Chin up kid, might never happen." She replied with something stunted, and it was clear she was not in the mood to exchange pleasantries, let alone fluids of any nature.
I resigned myself to defeat and returned to my seat to shrug the incident off with a downing of my drink.

As I placed the glass back upon the table I noticed a rather pretty lady standing roughly five to ten feet away from where I was sitting. She looked somewhat disheartened so, full of dutch courage, I decided to venture over and raise her spirits. Upon arrival I chanced upon a cordial, yet witty phrase "Chin up kid, might never happen." As she gazed upon me I felt immortal; I had managed to woo her with such a simple phrase. Until she opened her mouth and I realised what I had interpreted as awe, was more along the lines of incredulousness.
"You've already tried that one" she spat.

Oh....
(TheColonel, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:56, 2 replies)

Bad start
5 years ago I walked into a pub with my friend beastman to meet mutual friend Muffo.

Muffo had brought a picture of lovliness along with her, blue eyes, blonde hair, bumps in the right places. Wow I thought.

Her first words to me? "you don't remember me do you".

Cringe. "errr should I?" *nervous laugh*. "You kissed me when you were 14 (10 years ago).....and then you went upstairs and kissed my best friend".

What do you say? "yeah, sorry about that, let me get you a drink to make up for it".

5 years later and we're counting down the weeks to our wedding :)
(Corbo, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:52, 3 replies)

Don't remember it, but this is how it was related to me
As I mentioned earlier I don't do chat-up lines. To paraphrase from the film Singles, not having a thing is my thing. I still have a thing but, well, you know what I mean. My friends though gave me a line to deliver - "There's a party in my pants baby, and you're the guest of honour" - and pointed in the direction of the young lady to try it on.

I barely managed to shuffle over to her table without falling over before loudly reciting:

"There's a party in my pants baby..."

There then follows a pause while it's apparent that I've completely forgotten what comes next. Barely a second later I've recovered though and with hands in the air and loud, enthusiastic gusto I complete the line:

"Wahey!"
( djtrialprice, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:50, 4 replies)

bang bang
13 pints later I walked into the underground bar. I milled around the bar for a while moping on missed oppertunity. I quaffed a 14th pint and spyed a beautiful girl who looked a little lonely. She had stunning figure and a face that looked so angelic. Tho She really was no angel haha.

I thought .oO(Sod this, I'm going for it slap or no slap). So i went over and asked who she was with and where they were. She was with a few ppl that were on the dance floor. Then I randomly said 'ENOUGH CHIT CHAT!' Leant in and pulled.

Twas a good night. 1 Bus later we were at mine, falling about, and then... the bedroom where we f**ked wildly until we broke some planks supporting the matress. Ah that was funny.

WHY CAN'T IT BE THAT EASY ALL THE TIME!?
(Sprite, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:45, 6 replies)

I consider chat-up lines
to be a style of performance art rather than a way to get a woman. My friends and I used to try and top each other with our displays for the entertainment of the rest of the group. With a recording of "Would you?" by Touch & Go (yes, it was the late 90s) on a pocket sized tape player I tried:

"I've noticed you around. I find you very attractive. Um... would you go to bed with me?" *presses play* *dances to trumpet solo*

I'm sure it would have worked better if the girl in question had actually heard the damn song before.
( djtrialprice, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:41, 3 replies)

God bless you, halls of residence.
He: 'So...are these the beds that aren't suitable for anyone over 6ft tall?'
She: 'Yeah.'
He: 'Well I'm about 6ft, let's try it.'

He lies down with his feet on the pillow.
She, trying not to push anything, lies down with her head on the pillow.
He turns round so they're facing the same way.

And they lie there until she falls asleep and he leaves.

She wakes up and kicks herself fucking stupid.
(and now for someone completely different, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:19, Reply)

She knew I promised to treat her like a princess
so I can't work out why she dumped me after I got drunk and crashed the car.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:16, 4 replies)

If you're Irish,
does everyone else in the world sound like they have a terrible, grating accent?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:08, 12 replies)

You pays your money and you takes your choice
Right then, I'll say straight off that this is the sort of thing that happens once in your life. Or never if you're fuck-ugly. Which I don't think I am or I'm fairly certain this story would have ended rather differently.

As I mentioned in a previous post I was (un)fortunate enough to spend a couple of seasons working in fashion PR. This included working at London Fashion Week where I buggered about sorting out interviews and photoshoots and whatnot while surviving on a diet of Red Bull, champagne and some rather wonderful pharmaceutical substances (it's not big or clever, but it came with the job, it was free for me and it was funny as fuck on a number of occasions). This all came to an end after a somewhat, erm, "difficult" conversation with a British supermodel who has a reputation for being a bit temperamental in the same way that Hitler had a reputation for being a bit racist.

Anyway, after a quiet word with my then boss at one of the last after-parties it was mutually decided that perhaps I wasn't best suited for the hectic world of high fashion PR. We celebrated what had been a thoroughly pleasant working relationship with a couple of Martinis, and so I was not in an entirely sober frame of mind when I caught site of a group of possibly the best looking women I have ever seen, before or since. They were models of course; but not the waif-like child-women that you saw in most of the catwalk shows. Oh no, these were full on WIMMIN with a very pronounced capital W. Curves and bumps in all the correct places, athletic rather than emaciated and by the looks of it every single one of them (five in total, and I sort of recognised a couple of them) were letting off steam with a couple of glasses of fizz. Underwear models. Otherwise known as the Harlequin's cup of tea, or perfection for short.

It must have been the sly glances I kept throwing their way, or possibly the puddle of drool under my seat but my canny boss somehow saw that my attention had been diverted from our conversation and proceeded to subject these visions of loveliness to the kind of dispassionate assessment that only a long term fashionista can give. She then said a line that you do not expect to hear from your blue-eyed, cold as iron, ever-so-slightly terrifying boss. Ever.

"Oh go and talk to them Harlequin you pillock, the dark haired one on the left keeps looking at you when you're talking to me."
...
Say what now? Me? Talk to her? Are you off your bloody rocker love?

The Harlequin has been relatively blessed in the looks department - no unsightly birthmarks, unusual facial ticks or excess ear hair - but tall as I am I knew I would need a bastard long ladder to punch high enough above my weight to register on this angel's radar.

And angels they all were, in name as well as features, due to the branding of one particular manufacturer of ladies unmentionables. So after a quick internal pole of the pro's and cons -

Harlequin: Should I do it?
DevilHarlequin: Of course! Strap on a pair, cowboy the fuck up and get over there!
VoiceOfReasonHarlequin: Look I could say stuff about self respect, embarrassment when you're shot down and all that, but it's basically bollocks. Like my evil counterpart said, stop being a fucking girl and carpe diem!
...

So I did.

...
I'm not sure what the opening line was exactly as I honestly can't remember but I was suddenly talking to the most astonishingly striking Brazilian - no not Gisele Bundchen, but she could have been her cousin. Her name was Bella. And she was laughing at my jokes! And at my piss poor attempts at Portuguese and teaching me how to say some extremely rude things in her mother tongue (Chaps - nothing hotter than being taught to swear profusely in a foreign language by an insanely attractive woman). There was general outrageous flirting going on and then we had a dance. Now there's all this stuff about how well South Americans move. In point of fact it is absolutely, 110%, word of god true. It was and remains the single most erotic experience of my life with all my clothes on. Now given that I'm white, middle class and English it was all I could do to keep from tripping over my feet and making a twat of myself but she seemed to like my limited repertoire of crazy dancing shapes as, when the music was dying after a particularly raunchy number, she looked up at me and asked, in a slight accent, "So, is this a kiss me moment?"

Turns out it was.

Turns out it was more than a kiss me moment as well. It was a grab-a-cab-to-her-hotel-start-undressing-each-other-in-the-lift-and-bang-the-life-out-of-each-other moment. And you don't get many of those.

The following morning, after a thoroughly entertaining time in a walk-in shower, we said our goodbyes. Lingering kiss and then off she sashayed to the airport. It should have been the walk of shame for me, but seriously, would you be ashamed of successfully chatting up a Victoria's Secret model?

Length? Totally unaffected by the Martinis and seemed to go down very well thank you so much for asking.
(DarkHarlequin putting babies on spikes since, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 12:25, 31 replies)

One of those nights , 3 years ago
myself and a couple of mates where having a 'who can drink the most Guiness' competition that was unvoiced yet understood on a kind of testosterone fuelled alpha male level in a very unexotic establishment called Bar Med.

Spurred on by nothing more than the copious amounts of Irelands finest tipple in his system, my dear friend who we shall call Nolan (for that was his name) decides to approach a very appealing looking Aussie girl and comes out with this peach of a chat up line.

" I bet you'd like to see me in a wetsuit "
The expected reply came..."Fuck off mate"
His misplaced confidence verging on cockiness lead him to try again.
" No seriously...I bet you'd like to see me in a wetsuit"

The Aussie girl couldnt keep up her guard and started to giggle. They have been together ever since.

If you dont succeed at first try, try again.
(Eggstrovert isnt patronising you...honest..., Mon 14 Dec 2009, 12:15, 2 replies)

In which Petite Chien frightens a young man half to death (it's ok, it has a happy ending)
Way back in the mists of time (ok, July) Petite Chien had just been dumped by CheatingWankerEx (TM) for the second time. Oh well, he was a cheating wanker. And oh well, his loss, because she knew one of her friends had had a crush on her for aaaaages, and he made her feel a little moist in her special places too. However he was rather shy and the only reason Petite knew about his crush was because one of his friends had told her. After all, we are not mature university students, we are still 5. Oh no wait, we're students. Bollocks.

Anyway, Petite decided the best way to proceed was to invite the young man around for dinner and a film. Oh, and accidentally leave out her washing in the living room with all her sexy lacy underwear on show. Dinner was a hit, a film was a watched, and Petite took the plunge. "I really like spending time with you. I really like you." Blank, slightly puzzled look from young man. "Well?" asks a now slightly concerned Petite. "Well, I like you too, but it's a bit complicated isn't it? You've just broken up with someone." He puts his arm around Petite and the two cuddle for half an hour or so until he goes home. Petite is not too upset, after all he was thinking of her and he is interested. Phase one complete!

The weeks go by, and Petite and the young man meet once a week for dinner and a film. During each film, they end up sat at opposite ends of the bed, edging closer during it and ending up cuddling and holding hands (you would not believe I'm 21 and he's 23 at this point, would you?). After a few weeks of this Petite thinks it's time to move things along, so she leans in for a kiss. And the young man nearly has a heart attack. Petite wonders what she's done wrong - told the lad she likes him, established he likes her, carried on seeing him, cuddling and hand holding - wait, what has she does wrong?! Apparently he thought Petite was just interested in him as friends. And then worried that Petite was going to go off him and leave him, as a girl who had told him she was interested the summer before had, and he was worried about that affecting his first year as a teacher. He goes home, and Petite is sad.

The next week Petite and the young man go to a friend's house for some Wii fun (clean thoughts people!) and he openly cuddles her in front of their friends. "This is good" thinks Petite. They get home as they have both had a drink and he's staying the night, and finally, FINALLY, he kisses her as they're lying on the bed talking. They kissed all the way through Jimmy Eat World's 23. Petite still loves that song.

Four days later the young man loses his virginity to Petite (this explains why he is so shy!) and they are still together and happy 4 months later :)
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 12:02, 6 replies)

Last one I promise, I've had a LOT of success recently with this method
As most communication with the younger ladies (18-25) is done through text or email these days, it gives a great opportunity for ambiguous statements, you have to be a bit of a wordsmith for this one but trust me the rewards are brilliant!

Send messages that use phrases that she COULD interpret at sexual advances or innuendo, but with a get out clause in case she reacts badly.

You can't really lose, she won't assume you're being a sex pest as it could be read one of two ways, if she does you just trawl out the alternative reading and she feels like an idiot.

With any luck she'll read the possible sexual connotation and either respond to it and blam, hook line and sinker, or alternatively she won't mention it but the thought of the sexual connotation will play on her mind all day.

Examples include:
I'd give you one: (in reference to "I need a hug" or "I could use a hug" or even "needing a job or anything material"), get creative with it though... "Awww you know if I was there I'd give you one" or "you know if I could I'd give you one"
ALSO
"You're making it pretty hard for me"
"I wish you were here to see it"
etc etc
( JebediahSpringfield, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 11:53, 5 replies)

Great Success...almost
After going through a pretty horrible sorta-relationship with someone which lasted almost 2 years I decided to give dating a miss for a while. No more trying to score, anytime I went out I didn't even consider looking at a girl and didn't even think of one during my break. And if anyone had tried to score with me I would have just declined. Then one day I was out drinking with some friends and realised, hang on...it's been a year, maybe I should hop back in the pool.

While I was out dancing I spy a girl I like the look of, exactly my type. When the music stopped I could see her chatting to some guy and they seemed pretty close, so I figured it was her bf and that was that. Later when I was waiting outside for my friends I see her with her group and seeing as she was not talking to anyone in particular I should make my move.

Now, what was going through my head was that I should at least let her know i'm interested and if that guy was her bf I could just run away. So I walk up to her and say:
"I just wanted to say, you're really good looking. You can go back to what you were doing know, I'll go."

Just as I was about to turn and leave one of her friends shouted "No!, you can't just say that and leave, you have to follow up with something!". My mind went blank, I had absolutely no idea what to say next. So I put on a mock voice and said to him, "but what do I say, man, what do I say?!" "Ask her where she's from". "That's a great idea!" I say, "I like the way you think!"

It ended up working a treat, she had to drop her friends back home, so she asked for my number (one of the only times a girl had asked me, not the other way round). Sadly, It didn't work out in the end, she started dating someone else that week, but I learned an important lesson; If you can't think of something to say, just pretend that you are pretending you can't.
(cH3$h7846J#7, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 11:45, Reply)

Melissa and I, First year at college.
She was gorgeous. I had asked her out so many times only to get turned down - then out of the blue the phone rings.

Melissa - Dr Tugnut. Will you come to party with me?

Me - Erm yeah, when?

Melissa - Tonight.

Me - Great. (Dancing around the room.)

Melissa - I am only doing this to make my ex jealous.

Me - OK erm...so nothing serious then?

Melissa - No. But I will give you a blow-job.

RESULT!
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 11:43, 6 replies)

Failing that you can always try the classic "magic watch" line.
Prolly bindun but I am too lazy to trawl through all the pages. Apologies if repeating.

M "Hey baby, check out my watch, you like it?" "It's a magic watch you know"

F "Oh yeah, why's it magic?"

M "It can tell me things about a person that I wouldn't otherwise be able to tell... for example it's telling me right now that you're not wearing any knickers!"

F "Oh yeah, well that's where you're wrong, cos I am wearing knickers"

M "Damn, must be 15 minutes fast"
( JebediahSpringfield, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 11:38, 2 replies)

Ok I was saving these tips for my best selling book but what the hell...
If I'm actually asking a lady out, I tend to go with the least threatening language, women like to feel safe... if you've already had a bit of a conversation I use "Oh we'll have to go and grab a coffee or something sometime and chat some more". It shows that you've enjoyed talking to them already, it's forceful enough by using the words "have to" yet it's relatively safe and non-threatening as it suggests a daylight non-alcoholic drinks meeting.

Said in a confident but not cocky way it's hard for the other person to say no without sounding a tad harsh!

Of course what you talk about over said coffee is up to you, you're on your own then, I'm just helping you score that first one-on-one date!

Please feel free to flame me and call into question my sexual prowess :)
( JebediahSpringfield, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 11:34, 12 replies)

Honesty is the best policy.
as many have said. Being truthful and open is likely to get you farther than cheesy lines and lies. I tend to try and get these snippets into a conversation with teh ladies:

1. I have an eleven inch tongue
2. I can breathe through my ears
3. Would you like a shag in my Honda Accord?

I like my own company, me.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 11:20, Reply)

I don't get girls
I just lie on the internet and say I do.

Much love
T Max. xx
(Hitler's other ball. R soul., Mon 14 Dec 2009, 10:10, Reply)

Well, I was a
git. To be honest.

My girl knew about my love for her before I could tell her.

Yes, it is thanks to my very dear friends. Oh well, I did get the girl :D
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 9:54, Reply)