Mentalists :)
Ooooo! A fat, juicy, ripe QOTW!

In the many years as in IT Support / Management, I've come across that many "Customers from Hell" (usually colleagues), that writing about them would make my eyes bleed, make you all turn Catholic, and make the big sciency spinny thing do an about turn and go the other way.

However, and this will stay with me for a long, long, lonnnnnnng time!

When you are complaining your computer has gone on the blink - Never mind! Stop looking at all the pr0n sites and downloading shitty viruses!

When you are complaining your internet has stopped working - Never mind! Plug your fucking router back in that your harpy idiot of a wife / husband / thing has unplugged to plug in the Fondue Set!

When you are complaining that your printer isn't working - Never mind! You shouldn't have tried to force in the toner cartridge backwards, spilling toner all over your nice new cream carpet!

Just be relieved that you are not a patient at a lovely hospital, which I cannot name, but rhymes with "Hampton" and some of the "patients" aren't of the most popular variety, but, some of the old "learning disability" lads are in their actually for their own welfare, and it is all they know.

A nice spanky new television system has been installed, with LCD screens, server based freeview thingy, all delivered over IP.

Works nicely, until you have a power surge. Which, as this place is in the middle of nowhere, is kind of prone to power surges due to thunderstorms, and that sort of thing.

And then , you get a "house" which loses virtually its entire telly system for about 4 days due to a bank holiday.

These "customers" have psychological issues that would make most people cringe in horror, and their behaviours can suddenly snap with no indication whatsoever. Think WW3, with their anger being displayed with the equivalent power as a small nuclear bomb.

Therefore, they are contained in this "house". You can't go out for a stroll in the "grounds" (unless you are VERY VERY lucky), and your only other entertainment is a radio, or other "appropriate therapy". Oh, and you can't have a gasper either, cos they've banned that outright.

So, hence forth me, being a dutiful employee of this great nation's NHS, having to go to this "house" to perform resets on a large number of tellys, in which some bedrooms a: Stink like a rotting cadaver, and b: Stink like someones shit in there and left a dead otter under the bed.

But, when eventually you have the tellys all working, and changing channels, volume up, volume down, etc etc etc, you sigh a phew of relief! (As do the regular staff!)

Then, you get mobbed. By the patients. Who then issue to you compliments such as "Thank you Mister!" and "Thank you Sir, you are the best telly man, better than the others!"

Bear in mind what I said earlier. These guys have variable impairments due to their illness. Most have mental ages less than their physical age.

Customers from hell? These guys have the potential to be more than Satan's own Undercover Customers. Some will tell you what they would like to do to your offspring if you even left their remote control out of its exact, marked with a set square, position. And thats the "ladies".

Then again - I'd rather deal with these people than people who think they are God's gift to creation, even though they don't know the basic concept of making sure something is plugged in before accusing you of fucking up their computer.

At least (some of) these poor fuckers have an excuse.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 22:59, Reply)

I found the bug.
A couple of years ago I had written a web application for a customer. On the Friday I had pushed some minor enhancements out.

Just as I was heading out the door to get lashed an e-mail dropped into my inbox from the issue tracker saying that the Logout link was missing.

I didn't have time to look at it and I spent all weekend racking my brain as to what I could have done to cause this erroneous behaviour.

So first thing Monday morning I jump on the application and login and lo and behold the Logout button was still there.

Back on the issue tracker I noticed that there was an attachment. I open it up and staring at me is a screen shot of one the pages. Sure enough the Logout button was missing.

Which really wasn't much of a surprise as the screen shot was of the the login page. Stupid twunts.

Anyway I closed the issue, marked it as fixed and said it was a bug between the keyboard and the chair.

The following meeting they asked for more details on the bug. I just smiled and said it was very technical.

With hindsight I'm glad they weren't able to pick on my not-so-subtle slur.
(mgsmith57, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 22:48, Reply)

The joys of IT Support
I'm the manager of a small IT Helpdesk, and generally muck in with the calls. It never surprises me how "urgent" some people think their problems are, nor how they constantly fail to think before calling...

Phone rings...
Caller: Hi it's really really urgent, Dave's phone isn't ringing, he can make calls but not receive any. It's really urgent, when can someone come out.
Me: Can you look at the side of the phone for a small switch marked Ringer, and make sure its set to on.
Caller: Ok, hold on while I check
**** 10 minutes pass ****
Caller: Er, it's ok we've sorted it. The ringer was turned off... we turned it off the other day so a meeting wouldn't be disturbed


Give me strength

(Dave's name changed for anonymity)
(LordEd, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 22:38, 1 reply)

Different job
I also used to sell mortgages by phone - ring name on list (Kirsty Burger once - still makes me grin) and give smarmy speil about saving money etc.

One couple I rang one night where interested - £kaching$ - but the little one was not going down so could I possibly ring back.

Oh yes, once every week for 3 months. They never ever repeated the same excuse - I know this because I kept notes.

Chinese takeway arrived - check
Washing machine flooding the kitchen - check
Rushing to A&E - check
Baby sitter just turned up and already late - guess what - check
Bit knackered - yup
Guests, pizza delivery, too pissed, house on the market with people viewing (yes I did ask to speak to them) and "oh my god - some one is stealing my car!" - personal favourite.

House fire - well no we didn't get that far but I'd bet that was on the list.

My last day I rang them and congratulated them before telling them that I was passing their details to a colleague (who I hated) without the list of excuses so they could start all over. They are probably still at it.
(thereisnopoons until, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 22:35, 3 replies)

One I got the other day
Me: Hi, you're through to *company back office* how can I help?
Customer: Hi, I want my calls package activated
**ID&V process*
Me: Oh, it's due to be activated in 5 days time
C: You have to activate it today
Me: We can't move an activation date I'm afraid
C: You have to.

*this goes around in circles. The customer is calm as anything, not a hint of anger in his voice throughout the whole call*

Me: I'm afraid we're going in circles and I'm going to have to end the call soon.
C: If you don't activate it today, I'm taking you to court.
Me: I can't just push a button! It's got to go through BT.
C: If it's not activated today, I am taking you to court. *hangs up*


Better get my trouser suit ready, ey?
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 22:21, 1 reply)

Oh so many tales of woe
I work in a late night off licence in Worcester. The only late night off licence in the city to be precise, and thus we have the pleasure of some of the cities finest. I've been threatened, spat at, punched but the one thing that really riles me is people who expect to be served when chatting on their mobile phone.

Two years hence I was doing a normal Friday night shift when customer enters talking on said mobile. She looked familiar, but I put this down to her being a regular and thankfully the shop was busy so even tho she had her copy of Hello and Snickers bar on the counter I roundly ignored her and served all thoise around her. My standard comeback is "No your phone call is obviously important - I'll wait".

Eventually the shop falls quiet and I am forced to serve the ignorant bitch while she continues her chat. She collects her change, flashes me a smile and exits, just as two local bouncers come in.

"Feck" says one, eyeing her up. The other - "Yeah I heard she was in town".

"?" says I

"That's Myleen Klass - her out of that girl band just did the jungle thing."

Turns out there was a filming of Most Haunted going on that night and I just dissed her. I'm just happy that Derek didn't turn up truly a customer from the lower bowels of hell.

Oh and when I've told you that you are too pissed to be served and will call the police if you don't leave, be sure that when I dial those 3 numbers and ask for Worcester Control, I'll be listening to a recorded voice telling me what the time is - but it seems to work. ;-)
(thereisnopoons until, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 22:14, 2 replies)

You don't have to come into contact with the customer to be subjected to their bullshit
Which brings me neatly one of the menial tasks I had to do at my summer. I was working for a small manufacturing firm which made "units" for milking systems (company confidentiality and all that). Anyways, some of these boxed units come back one day for an upgrade, after sitting in a milking shed for a few years.

What you must understand about the boxes these units are housed in, is that they are water tight, except for a couple of shielded vents, which open out to the wall side of the unit, and there's only about 5mm clearance between the end of the vent cover, and the wall.

Despite this piddly, and finnicky opening into the box, there is a phenominal amount of shit in each of about 20 boxes, for which the only explanation is that milking sheds are a bestial scat orgy mixed with a food fight. Even more intriguing are the shit-stains that defy the laws of physics.

Cattle are amazing creatures, but my prefered mode of contact with them is medium-rare.
(Harleif Skankhammer II was killing time at, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 22:13, Reply)

More motorcycle rage
My first go at riding bikes was with a company that only my bike shop recommended.

Once again I got to be the customer from Hell. You see I am a teacher and a climbing Instructor/Mountain leader, so I know a thing or three about teaching and training of people, especially to do dangerous things.

Said Instructor introduces himself and proceeds to tell us the facts, helmets, road use etc. No problem so far, I sit there like a good girl and pay attention.

Then we are lead outside and given a motor bike to play with. Never ridden one before I ask questions, what does this do, how does that work?

Then I get the yelling for not using a clutch properly. Bare in mind I had not used one before and I do not drive, so I asked him to explain. I am letting it out too quickly and do not have enough engine revs. Then I am bollocked for screaming the engine and holding the clutch too long. My blood is boiling because I do not enjoy paying money to be shouted at. I paid my hundred quid to be spoken to politely and instructed on the correct use of a motorcycle... I am an instructor and I do not approve of your methods. I am simmering. He informs me that I have failed my CBT and I must redo it because I am unable to control a clutch.

So I pay for another day with him. A very pretty blonde Nurse is in to learn with another instructor and my Instructor pisses off to flirt with her and help her ride her bike. I am left standing in a car park with a bike I can't ride.

The Instructor and I have an argument, there is a slight possibility* that I may have called him a "Useless fucking Cunt!" He tells me that he does not want to teach me anymore and gives me to his mate.

His mate looks at me and says "Oh you ride a mountain bike don't you?" HE smiles and says do it like this.

Thiry minutes later I am on the road and have passed my CBT. Emergency stops are a doddle and I can even turn the bike on a penny.

My Former Instructor comes back to speak to me and informs me that he knew I could do it. I Leave his training centre and give him the finger.





*as in yes I did say that very loudly to the Instructor and I had witnesses who flinched when I opened my mouth after that!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 21:35, 7 replies)

Racialists
Because we have lots and lots of Russians in our town, many of whom use our computers, I thought it a good idea to have a special display of books in Russian so they'd have something to read while they wait 45 minutes for the computers to log in. Plus it would boost our book issues which was always a good thing. So I put up a little stand with 30 or so Russian novels and all goes swimmingly, until one day...

"Why do you have fucking books in Russian? If those disgusting little immigrants want to read they should fucking well learn English".

Now this was shouted at me by some fat, wheezing sack of shit woman right at the end of the Friday and I had run out of patience long before that, so I left her with a colleague and marched off to cool down. I made a beeline for my bosses office and thrust the door open.

"Can we actually make complaints about customers on the grounds they are fucking racist shitbags?"

I got sent on diversity awareness training for that little outburst, "so I would know how to respond to the next racist customer".

Gotta love beuracracies.
(GONEism, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 21:13, 4 replies)

Another oldie but goldie
Guy rings me up.
"Right you fuckers, I'm not getting my fucking internet from you and I fucking want it sorted."
"Ok, I can help with that. One thing though, I have to legally advise you that we have to give you a warning of abuse. If we have to give a 3rd warning I will end the call."
"You fucking what???? You fucking better not you bastard."
"I'm sorry, I need to give you a 2nd warning, if you do it again I'll end the call."
"YOU FUCKING DARE."
"Um....what's got 12 inches and hangs up?"
"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW......"
*click*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 19:52, 1 reply)

Women can't be trusted
I am a woman and an engineer (shock horror). There aren't many of us about, and most guys are cool about it. In fact, it's normally the snotty office women staring down at me as if I am some sort of pond life.
But there are a few.

One was when I was going to a job with a couple of guys as a favour at an Alliance and Leicester - the offices, not the bank. So we get there, Wanker Manager meets us, he shakes the other two's hands - I proffer mine, and he completely blanks me. 'How rude' I think, but shrug and carry on. So we take a look at the machine, diagnose the fault etc.

Now considering I'm the only one with the laptops with the reports on I say I'll go outside the comms room in the offices and write up the report. I sit down at a desk smiling and nodding at the people around me - no-one says it's a problem to be there, so I happily type up my report, save it and start shutting the laptop down. The whole thing takes oh, three minutes?
At this moment wanker-manager comes over.
WM: You''l have to move from here the women are about to do payroll.
Me: Oh ok, I'm just shutting the laptop down I'll be five seconds.
WM: You need to move now, you can move to another desk, but they're about to do payroll.
Me: I know, you said, look the laptops dead, I'll move.

So now I'm thinking he's a complete twat now. I ignore him and go back to the guys. They say they need to talk to someone else and can I stay in the room with the unit whilst it does its self-checks?
Sure, it's not rocket science. So off they go and fuck me if not a minute later Wanker Manager pops his head round the door.
WM: You can't stay in here without an authorised person. The auditors are in. A member of staff has to be present.

Now fuming, I walked outside and over to my colleague. So men could be trusted, but evidently a pitiful woman like me couldn't.
Colleague asks me if I am okay noticing the bright red colour I am turning. I explain the situation, detailing how much of an outburst their would be if he made any sort of sexual discrimination again.

Luckily for him he didn't. Maybe he could see the smoke coming out of my ears. He was also very lucky I was doing it as a favour - if it had been one of my jobs I would have happily explained the problem with his attitude in front of his entire staff and probably told him to fuck off.

I pride myself on being pretty good at my job too, which I think hurts more.
Still I got my revenge. I set his service alarm to come up exactly one year from the installation date, instead of two and a half years as per normal. Hoepfully he'll put it through as a call out and he'll pay more as it's non-contract ^_^

He was ginger too.

Fuckwit.
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 19:50, 5 replies)

tech customer support
working for a global company sometimes stereotypes get reinforced. (Oh and your piss poor opinion of Microsoft too). The girly on the hepdesk has a filter of questions like is it all switched on? Then you are in it.

There is an application that sits on the back of a satellite receiver and takes in text and puts it in PC files, it is highly secure as the text is commercially sensitive.

it was written to standard widows 32 and runs on anything from 95, NT through to 2000 and most 200x server...however.....

Cue call from a person in africa who could only have been nigerian, but calling from a long way from home but still in africa. He was the felix dexter stroppy nigerian PLUS. (insert the accent and the aggression, thats why capitals)

HELLO I HAVE MY DECODER NOT WORKING IT GIVES PRINT ALL DASHES AND LINES

So you have the items and you can`t read them when printed
YES YES YES
Is this just on print or are you connected to a system?
I HAVE A PRINTER AND A SYSTEM
Ok what is this system on your network?
IT IS AN HP XXX WITH.......
No I meant what system on your network?
WHAT? I TELL YOU IT IS AN HP........

What operating system are you using
I HAVE HP XXX with 200Gb and.......
NO! what operating system
WHAT?
when you click start it says windows nt, 2000... by the side or at the top......
YES! itis XP!
Ok have you read the instructions in the agreement you signed that says which microsoft Os`s are supported?
NO
well xp isnt on the list because of a bug so why have you installed xp and then called us?

NO IT IS NOT WORKING.
Fine....
you built this machine ?
YES

where are You?
( not nigeria but still in Africa as above)

Ok.

I looked through and if you put that location into XP it declares an alternate character set of Hausa, which was what he was getting.
So I went through all the locations and I think south africa had normal roman characters as the alternate set.

Change your location
NO I AM HERE, THIS IS WHERE I WORK.
No on the PC in control panel,
NO I AM HERE WHY SHOULD I DO THIS?

Ok then rebuild your machine, but tell it when it asks, that you are in UK or usa or south africa and adjust the clock.

BUT I AM NOT IN LONDON OR SOUTH AFRICA OR USA. WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO DO THIS? YOU DO NOT KNOW YOUR JOB I WISH TO SPEAK WITH SOMEONE IMPORTANT NOW!

I suggest you call Bill Gates then. Since his software doesn`t work he doesn`t make his number public. The minute you said XP I should have just said it is not supported as per the conditions you signed, that is a workaround, I did not have to give you.

you can do it or install an approved OS. there is no problem with supplied software, you are outside terms of support, have a nice day.

YOU CANNOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THIS

i think you`ll find I just did, because it is correct and appropriate. goodbye!
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 19:34, 1 reply)

probably boring....sorry
i work in a shop mostly associated with middle class mums/30 somethings. theres one customer in particular really pisses us all off.

last christmas she bought an angora jumper in the sale. when i say she bought i mean one of her many men bought it and about £1000 worth of stuff for her.

couple of months went past and she comes back in, face like a slapped arse. she pulls out her lovely angora jumper and asks for a refund. but its 10 times smaller than it was originally. clearly been stuck in a boil wash. positive she's handwashed it and going mental at us apparently suggesting she was a liar. we kept the top to send to head office. however she ended up getting full price back plus another £40 for the inconvenience.

she also came in after our summer sale with 2 bags full of clothes from 3 sales previous including some from last year and demanded i gave her full price for everything even tho she had no reciept, still reeling from her last victory. this time i stood my ground i told her i could only give her £30 back on a credit note for the lot. and argued with her for about 5 minutes as to why i couldnt put it back on her visa. so she took a huge strop in the middle of the shop and threatened to have me sacked and put in a serious complaint about me to head office.

although miss all talk and no action never did but throws daggers at me everytime she comes in.

we also get customers in thinking we're M&S asking to pay their &more card bills. and when i try to tell them we're not M&S they look at me like im fucking stupid.
(fernbrittonsexcessskin will give a shit later, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 19:29, 1 reply)

Bored in the office
on a quiet night. A call comes into one of the other members of our team and the normal proceedure of getting the customer's record begins.
"Hi this is Amanda, can I take your post code please?"
A granny replies back "Why? It's mine, I've had it for years!"
"Errr, I don't want to keep it, I just need it to bring up your record."
"You can't keep it, I need it for my mail..."
"Ok, can I just 'borrow' it for a second...I'll give it straight back..."
"Ok then, it's *** ****"
"Thanks....there you go, you can have it back now..."
"Thanks pet..."

What a fucking numpty.

Also I took another call the same night on the Premium Rate Internet Support line from a granny who sounded older than Desmond Tutu's great Uncle and demanded that I put the Tyson fight on for her. What a le fuck?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 19:22, 1 reply)

The customer was wrong, but in a nice way
I used to work in a call center for a UK water company. You know that they send out payment cards to people who want to pay a little bit here and there instead of all at once or by direct debit? Well this poor woman rang me to find out if she had payed off her water bills, and she had two cards, one for her old house and one for her new house. Every week she had paid a little bit off and heard nothing from the water company. She had actually overpaid one bill by £1000 and the other bill by £800. When I told her she cried, and said she was going to buy a new kitchen with the money. She thought she hadn't paid enough and the evil water company had never bothered to get in touch to tell her to stop paying with the cards.
(Lady of leisure, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 19:17, 1 reply)

Cosy by name, c*nty by nature
I was coming to the end of a call centre shift (Vodafone customer service again). It was about 8pm and most of the supervisors had left by that point, and most of the other departments had closed, so it was always a bit more challenging dealing with peoples’ queries at that time of day.

A call came through from a fairly young sounding man from the London area, who was named as a user on an account in his mum’s name (probably had a poor credit rating and couldn’t get his own). His name was Cosi, and he wanted to lift the automatic “content bar” on his account. The motivation for doing this is usually so that you can look at porn websites on your WAP internet. I know you have to be 18 to get a mobile phone on account but the policy was to apply a content bar until the customer chooses to remove it, and they need to verify their identity and over-18 status by either going into a Vodafone shop with ID or paying a nominal fee on their credit card (not debit card) over the phone, which they’ll then get credited back to their account. A bit of a hassle, and seemingly pointless, but that’s the rules.

Anyway, as the account was in the mother’s name, I realised that this was likely to cause problems with the system. I asked if I could speak to his mother and get a payment from her credit card, and he said that wouldn’t be possible. He was coming across as an unpleasant fellow, but being ever-helpful, I asked if I could put him on hold and go and check with my supervisor what I should do.

I spent a couple of minutes talking to the supervisor and she told me it probably wasn’t possible to remove the bar without speaking to his mother, but that she’d go and check with another department if I could go back to talk to the customer and suggest other alternatives.

“Hello again,” I said, taking him off hold. “I did just go and speak to my supervisor, and she’s gone to check whether we’ll be able to take the content bar off for you…”

He interrupted me. “Yeah , you’ve just put me on hold for five minutes and gone to chat with your friends, that’s what you’ve been doing.”

“No, I am really trying to help here. An alternative way of getting the bar lifted is to visit a Vodafone store with some proof of age and identity. Would that be possible?”

“I’m too busy to go into a store! Look I just want to get this bar lifted, you jobsworth, it’s not difficult…”

“Sorry, the problem has been caused by the account being in your mother’s name. You could ask her to call at another time with her credit card if it’s not convenient for you to go into the shop…”

“Look, I just want to get this sorted now, I don’t have time for this....” and on he went, using various insulting terms and accusing me of being lazy/not helping etc; obviously he knew his way round talking to CSRs rudely because he didn’t use any swear words, meaning that I couldn’t threaten terminating the call. He didn’t raise his voice either; he was just generally unpleasant. I told him I needed to go back to my supervisor to see if she’d managed to find out what I could do, and he went off on another rant about how I was just skiving off, chatting to my friends, etc. I had had enough by this point, he really didn’t deserve my energy and effort, and my finger jabbed down on the ‘end call’ button before I could stop it.

I decided to check back on the account a few minutes later, to see if he’d called back. I saw the notes from the next CSR saying that he had mentioned various threats about what he’d have done if he’d been talking to me in person, I should watch my back etc. Then it said they’d given him £5 credit on his account for ‘any inconvenience’.

Always lovely to be undermined. I should have put a bar on his phone. All that hassle because he wanted to look at porn on a tiny screen, which surely can’t be that exciting.

Better apologise for length on this one. But it was therapeutic to write.
(Ovaltina, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 18:48, 4 replies)

I've been one, slightly.
Dealing with BT to try and get my phone line working, after moving into a new place earlier this year. The line was simply dead - obviously a physical fault on it somewhere, not entirely surprising as it's a large block of flats and probably wired by some cowboy builder...

Of course, ringing the BT toll free line from my mobile is not, er, toll free. And on PAYG it gets really quite expensive. So I was heartily sick of having to spend ages working my way through the menu system ("Press 1 for accounts, press 2 for billing", etc.). At least I didn't generally have to spend much time on hold - they have this callback thing which rings you as soon as it's your turn.

Well, fortunately for me in this case, they appear to be really quite incompetent (no shit sherlock) - when I got my callback, my mobile displayed the number it came from. So the next time I needed to hassle them because it still didn't work, I rang that number. And a human being answered, pretty much immediately, though quite confused at first - "were you transferred to this department? no? you're not supposed to be able to ring this number directly!". He still helped me, though.
(julius, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 18:18, 3 replies)

Working as an IT Trainer, I get quite a few* calls routed to me from the Helpdesk** at work...
Recently, I had to sort out a call along the following lines:

"Kathy phoned. Someone used her computer yesterday and now Word has got symbols all over the page, can someone visit and remove them for her?"

For those of you not familiar with Microsoft's monumental pain-in-the-arse Word, someone had clicked the "Show formatting marks" button, which looks like this:

I phoned Kathy: first of all she bit my head off with a grumpy "I thought someone was supposed to be visiting me?".

After explaining that it was one mouse-click to remedy the "problem" I asked her to open Word.

"Right, have you got an icon at the top of your screen that looks like a backwards P with an I next to it?"

"Er..." she replied "I've got one that looks like an I with a backwards P next to it, is that the one?"

O_o


*quite a few fucking hundreds

**Helpdesk Nohelpdesk
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 18:11, 2 replies)

Not exactly from hell
But annoying nonetheless.

Being a student and in desperate need of money, bar work is the easiest thing. During my holidays I worked in my local. It's a nice pub, all the regulars know me and banter is the name of the game. Don't work there now though as new management means its turned in to a dive. But anywho, this story concerns an elderly couple who would come in about 3 or 4 times a week. They were rather well off (as you would expect in Surrey) and had the annoying Queens english accent. The husband would usually open a tab, they would stay for a few drinks and then go home. Rarely any complaints, and they were polite and all.

However, the problem would be when they got chatting to people. They'd stay for more than their customary few drinks, rounds would be bought, chaos would ensue. One memorable occasion was one sunday evening. This couple had been in all day, drinking with another couple of regulars, and all were very drunk. The husband had gone to the toilets (the toilets were upstairs) and on his way back had used the bar to help him walk, stopping every now and then when gravity was getting the better of him. He came up to me, slurred some drink order, and I politely refused to serve him, as my job required me to do. He didn't like that, and got angry, demanded to speak to my manager as they were friends and he would never refuse service. So, whilst my manager was on his way, I served someone else, who made the comment "And they say youngsters can't handle their drink." At this point the gentleman in question was trying to lean on a high table but kept slipping off. Was quite funny really. My manager arrives, I explain why I won't serve him, he says to give him half a pint and that would be it for the night. I was fuming, majorly annoyed that he had undermined me, I said that he would have to serve him as I still refused to. The old man took his drink, smirked at me, turned around and promptly fell over throwing the drink on the floor. Point proven really.

The wife was just as bad sometimes. Especially if she sat with the builders. Glasses of red wine knocked everywhere... she only seemed to drink red wine when she was really drunk. Once service was refused, she'd get the builders to order her drink, which of course I refused to serve, even when they tried to claim it was for them.... as oppossed to their usual order of 5 pints of rats piss. Builders used to get a bit miffed, saying it was OK, she was with them. Trying to explain that I am required by law not to serve drunk people (yes, pub law seems a bit strnage in that respect), and I didn't want the thought of that one drink could mean that when she walked out of the pub she fell over and hit her head on my conscience, they relented. After much screaming and shouting from the old lady.

They gave me a tenner when i left at the end of the summer to go back to uni, and a thank you for looking after them. So not so much from hell, just a pain at the time.

Length? Well, she couldn't handle it, but neither could he
(timewarper, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 18:00, 4 replies)

Those CCTV shopwatch radio things
Are always a never ending source of fun for customers from hell. It's always good fun in the school holidays listening to staff at Woolworths on the radio every 10 minutes because some caravan dweller has nicked a Mars Bar. My personal favourites include:

"Rooks (a butchers) this is CCTV. I have on camera the man who stole the cornish pasty from you. I'm afraid he is eating the evidence as we speak."

Argos: "CCTV could we get a policeman here? We have a drunk gentleman in our shop window and when I asked him to leave he started taking his clothes off".

B&Q: "CCTV can we get a patrol? We have two elderly customers having a fight. With paint."
(GONEism, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 17:51, 1 reply)

The day I realised I could kill.
I did some contract work in Algeria few years back. My client there was a Turkish guy and when I arrived he said it would be worth my while if I got the job done double quick. The pay was the same regardless so I got down to it and worked 12-18 hours a day, 7 days a week for a month. Did a great job too. So the client drives me to the airport, walks through to security with me where he has to stop. We chat until my flight is called and a security guy is using a machine-gun to wave me through. Client shakes my hand and I feel a nice warm bundle of something pressed into my palm. He winks; "Here... great job... get yourself a nice drink on me..." I leave him there and walk round a corner - can't wait though... have to look... It's a teabag. Total Turkish bastard. Funny though.
(foxbean i am a one in ten, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 17:32, Reply)

ebay biatch
like many I flog stuff on ebay to make ends meet.

Last Xmas I was flogging dvd's of that ewan mcgregor motorbike trip Long Way Round.

They were brand new shrink wrapped stock.

I mistakenly oversold one more copy than I had so I bought a brand new one from play.com then forwarded it onto the customer who had paid just £5 for it.

I then get an email from her claiming I'm a thief a liar etc etc etc and the dvd is scratched, obviously 2nd hand rubbish etc

I point out that it is in fact new just like all the others I've sold then offer her a full refund instead.

I got a load of grief from her as well as the 1 and only piece of negative feedback on my account! Because I sold her a new item for less than cost and offered a refund.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 17:16, 3 replies)

Makes you think really...
It seems as though the first sniff these arsetards get of you standing up for yourself, the response is always "I'm gonna get you fired". Regardless of the fact that 9.9 times out of 10 this doesn't work, it just goes to show how spiteful and egotistical people that they'd try to destroy someone's livelihood over not getting something in a shop etc.

Can I just reiterate how happy I am to be starting a new job that involves NO contact with the public or customers?
(GONEism, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 17:14, 3 replies)

as I mentioned
3 pages of WORHTWHILE posts ago, I used to be security in a Glasgow cinema.

One Sunday afternoon, I'm the last of the team to start (6pm, so I got to watch the footy), so I collect the keys from whoever and head to the office to get my radio and my tie.

The second I turn it on, I hear a call for the second floor (where the biggest screen is) - "Security, those guys from earlier are back". I called the guy who answered to see if he needed help, and headed down.

Got there to see 4 floor staff, and my supervisor, standing outside a screen with 6 chavs. Apparently they had already been thrown out and had now ran back in the screen. So they were arguing with us, trying to threaten/intimidate/make us laugh in their faces.

One of them was inches away from my face, asking my name and details, threatening to stab me, all sorts - then finishes up with a slap on the chest and "I know where you work mate", then ran off. Stupid cunt.


Another of the group tried to headbutt one of the floor staff on the way out, and promptly found himself on the floor with his limbs in all sorts of painful positions.


Never did see the guy who knew where I worked again - must have forgotten when the police came.
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 17:00, 1 reply)

eBay prick
This happened a couple of months back and I'm sure I posted it on a Qotw a few months back too. Ah well.

I went through a phase of selling a few small items on eBay (still am at the mo) and I also do these time-draining referral schemes online to get a free games console (I'm not going to bore you with the details, see my profile if you are bi-curious).
One idea I had was to stick all the referral details onto an eBay sales, stating all the information about it and advising not to buy the item as I was not selling one. This worked for a few days reeling in more people signing up and hence I was rejoiceful. However...
One guy on eBay tries to buy the item which I was not selling for 1p. At the end of the 7 days the sale is up and I get a polite message saying "When do I get my free Xbox?"
I reply with "As it is clearly stated in the article, follow the instructions provided and you get the Xbox360; I do not provide you anything other than the link."
"I DIDN'T PAY FOR THAT, GIVE ME MY XBOX!"
"No, as I've already said, follow the instructions and take it from there."
"If you don't send me it, I'm going to report you to eBay."
"Go on then." Ohhhh, like that actually means something to me ffs.
So sure enough, the next day I get a message from eBay asking me not to post anything like that again and I reply back with an apology. I then get another message from this cock-end saying "Hahaha, now where's my fucking Xbox?"
Hmmmm, I'm getting a bit pissed now.
Right, what's this guy's username? Ok, it's something odd *copies to clipboard*, *crtl and n to bring up another browser window*, *goes to google*, *pastes username in*, *clicks search*. Ohhhhh, only registered on 3 forums to do with getting free mobile stuff in the UK eh? I have a quick glance on the forum and lo and behold, he's hassling someone for a freebie on there too. Except this time he's got a profile filled in...not with his real name, but of his job and hometown. That's all I need thinks I.
Back to eBay and I send my custom reply. Seems to do the trick as I never get another response again. He was according to the forum a 22 year old baker from Banbury, so I sent him "Why don't you just calm down and bake a cake?". The prick must've shit himself.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 16:59, Reply)

Nice man, actually. But it could have gone on forever in a pointless loop...
A friendly Mancunian man had called in to ask why he was unable to get a mobile phone signal. I asked him how long the problem had been persisting, and he explained he was staying away from home with work, and he lost the signal whenever he was in a particular area. I thought I’d better look at the coverage map, and check on the transmitters in the area to see if they were working properly.

“Where are you staying at the moment?” I asked.

“Err…” he replied.

I gave him a minute to remember the place name.

“So…” he said awkwardly, after a pause. “Are there any problems in the area?”

“Where, sorry?” I asked, confused.

“Err…”

I was perplexed, and thought he must have a few issues with his memory.

“…Sorry, whereabouts is that?”

“Err! In Scotland!”

“Oh!” I said, suddenly realising. “Ayr! Oh, I am sorry. I thought you were saying ‘err..’, you see – as you were remembering the place name!”

“Oh, oh yeah, actually, that happened the other day, when I was asking for directions from a man – when I was driving up here…”

If it had happened before, you'd think he would have twigged, maybe...
(Ovaltina, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 16:53, Reply)

ahem
I bought some costly humus from Hull, if that helps??
(Ghostlight, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 16:47, 1 reply)

I have an cunning lazy plan
It's called 'Make-your-own-Pun-story'. The rule are simple. Here's a pun:

'Cosh tumours Frome (Somerset) ‘Helle’ (a village in Norway, in Sogn og Fjordane county)'

Now make up a story to fit because I can't bothered. Yay!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 16:40, 1 reply)

Canadian utility companies...
...seem to think that I am always wrong wrong wrong as they all seem to be incapable of copying my name and address down properly. Maybe I am the customer you are all talking about as I only ever seem to spend my time explaining how much the transatlantic phone call to the fifteenth employee of the same company to change my frigging record is costing! Don't get me wrong I think Canadians are great people and their customer service face to face is infinitely better than here in "Sorry mate, I've just got to send a text message before I serve you" Blighty but over the phone they are just shit. Unless I was pre approved by the Quebecois authorities as a right c**t of course which might explain it...now who's been blabbing?

Sorry for going slightly off topic. Just annoyed. Will try better next time when I regale you of the time I suggested that a couple fornicating in the Burton changing room might wish to take their sex show elsewhere and was told to go away. So I called very loudly across the store to my manager and asked him to assist with the "couple having sex in our shop". They left soon after red faced and open of fly but happy.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 10 Sep 2008, 16:39, Reply)