The joke he always tells
A duck walks into a drugstore. He asks for some chapstick and the pharmacist says, "Cash or check?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."
(Hannah_Fruit, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 2:08, Reply)

Not so much a crap thing that he always says, but...
Dad would always get a little nervous when my friends came to visit, and in one case, a schoolfriend from a town nearby came to tea with us for logisital purposes.

Early on in the meal he commented, "Hmmmmm, peas for dinner", and just sat there doing his strange almost-silent belly-shaking giggle that he always does when a little nervous.

If nothing else this just utterly confused the rest of us.

The only other I can think of offhand was him getting fed up answering the telephone. I sound rather like my dad in conversation, so when he picked up up the phone for the umpteenth time one night, he said "Kev B**l*y's answering service?"

My friend replied "Fcuk off, Kev".

My dad collapsed in tears of laughter. My friend couldn't face him after that.
(Glis, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 0:49, Reply)

any time
my dad turns on a light, he says "let's shed a little light on the subject, shall we?"
(harmless kitty, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 0:35, Reply)

my dad would over-describe every single thing
For example: a large crash, caused by him falling up the stairs.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes, just lost my footing"

He continues to do so.
(Rockin'RichieK, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 0:23, Reply)

argh
I would be the smartarse sometimes and say, "Oh, i'm just comtemplating the meaning of life" or somehting, and my mum would say, "Contemplate cleaning out your car'

Every time I use a long word. Jeese.
(Roland Deschain, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 23:59, Reply)

He thought it was funny
Licking his plate clean after a meal.

I'd say "Dad, you wouldn't do that if the Queen was here, would you?"

Dad "Well I can't see her here, can I?"
...and continued to lick his plate, grinning...

(yes...me old, and won't let the kids lick their plates!)
(eggmangle, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 23:44, Reply)

When reading from one of those information signs out in the countryside...
"The rocks you see before you are 100 million years old..."


"Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you..."
( caldini Have you seen my polar bear?, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 23:18, Reply)

My Dad's favourite joke:
Him: "Knock knock"
Victim: "Who's there?"
Him: "M, A, B, it's a big horse."
Victim: (What? Okay...)"M, A, B, it's a big horse... who?"
Him: "M, A, B, it's a big horse I'm a Londoner that I live in London tooooowwnnnn-ah!"
Yes, I know it doesn't make sense. Unfortunately I've inherited his ropey sense of humour.
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 23:14, Reply)

You know what?
cold potatoes ain't hot

...it's still funny now.

and i've found myself using it...

rip dad

-deano
(9jack9, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 23:11, Reply)

*sniff sniff*
everytime my dad and my uncle are watching crap telly on a sunday and they think that someone in a naf film will sing then go *sniff sniff* " i can smell a song comin on dave, can u smell it too?" or "whats that i see from yonder?? is it a song?" it sounds really pathetic but they think they are funny and it is funy the first time they say it, but not everytime someone sings, it just gets annoying
(crikey, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 23:08, Reply)

Classic...
You're struggling to do something that's obviously giving you a bit of grief. After watching for a while, your Dad asks "Can I give you a hand?"

You look at him with that pained look on your face because you *know* what's coming next as he starts a slow clap.

p.s You can tell how old someone is now by their posts - if they're embarrassed and they hate their dad's jokes - 16 and under. Think it's quite quaint - 16 to 25. 25 and over - you admit to doing it yourself already. Am I right?
( caldini Have you seen my polar bear?, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 23:05, Reply)

Numbers
If you were to say something like "The Famous Five," or "Blake's Seven", he would immediately pipe up with "West Bromwich Albion Four".
( Jinxx has been away a long time, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 23:01, Reply)

My dad used to say
The best part of you ran down your others leg...
I don't think he liked me much!
(Monskervator the Monsk, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 22:55, Reply)

Hmm
Whenever my dad and uncle talked about something that deserved exclamation, they'd always use the phrase "Jumping Jews of Jerusalem!" which is apparently from the first series of Black Adder.

They also used to recreate the logo theme of the Open University at random times. Pah-pahm, pah-pahm, pah-pahh, pah-pahm, pahm pahm pahm paaaaaaahm! Mental!

As I get older I find myself on the wrong end of many a dad joke, i.e. telling them. I also blame Naked Gun and the resurgence of 60's radio comedy on BBC7.
( caldini Have you seen my polar bear?, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 22:53, Reply)

I've been mugged in a journey down memory lane.
He used to do the werewolf one as mentioned previously - "but I'm all right nowwwwwww", and the hilarious one about hiding pocket money underneath the soap.

Every year from 1981 to 1987 we were told about him being invited to the Dole office Christmas Party. My sister and I endured *that* kettle joke and the "I'm off" quip for a whole 16 years.

I have just caught myself performing what must be a Dad classic, although I haven't seen it on this post so far. (Asked) "Is that someone at the door?" (Reply) "Well it isn't me, I'm here". Oh the joy.


The results of this question should be printed, with pictures of a different patricide on every facing page.

Sometimes elderly folks write into newspapers complaining that their children never phone or visit them. Those letters crack me up.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 22:24, Reply)

improperly polite
one of my dad's favourite one-liners is: "Spank you very much." and he says it with a straight face, so people aren't sure... he has also been knoiwn to pull out the old "may i tickle your ass with a feather" and my mom says, pardon!?" and my dad says again: "Particularly nasty weather."

also - my friend's dad? everytime he took us to the movies when we were like 8 or 9 years old - as soon as the lights started dimming, he would shout, "I'm going blind!" he thought it was hilarious. we hated it.
(mocha louder, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 21:59, Reply)

a friends dad used
to teach his kids that when an ice cream van was playing its music that it meant they had run out of ice cream
et voila the kids never wanted to go get some in the summer
(BigBobbyh, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 21:32, Reply)

Ex-girlfriend ...
Once told me that when she was little, her parents use to tell her that one day the mother ship would return to collect her
(robert james, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 21:24, Reply)

Silly joke
Dad: "Are you a fruit in a cage?"
Me: "No"
Dad (Sings & Points): "Fruit-loose fruit-loose"
(GeEsuS, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 21:19, Reply)

My dad always asked:
'What would you rather be or a wasp?'

And yes, I do it myself today...
( superbabyproject, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 21:11, Reply)

The old chestnut ...
Dad: Who's for steak & kiddley Pie?
Me & sis: It's steak & kidney!
Dad: That's what I said, diddle I?

My Grandads' favourite when we were kids was to ask us what we wanted for Xmas and after me & sis had babbled away exitedly for a good minute or so would say "I know what I'll give yer for Christmas - a clip for yer head and a box for yer ears!" Cue cuffs to head.
(Beanster, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 21:09, Reply)

We're all mad in our house.
Me:*Referring the cat*Has the almighty gorgeous one been fed yet?
Dad:Yes! I have!
(Angelblood, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:58, Reply)

my dad ...
my dad tells a joke to my mates every time he comes home from the pub. the most recent was that he saw a man in the pub with a head the size of an orange and he couldent resist asking him why. the man replied that in his wifes will was three things he could have. any thing he wanted. he asked for lots of money a large house and with his wifes last ounces of strength .......how about a little head.

my mates think its funny i thought it was bad hay ho
(ooohcheeks, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:58, Reply)

I was the first person to have a mobile phone in the family.
And i locked the keypad inside my bag. My dad took it out inside a pub while i went to the toilet, and proceeded to press select and every key on the keypad. I got back and the first thing he did was smile and say "I figured out your password. One figure, that was easy" and i stood and laughed at him. Every fucking time i see him he says it.
(Jimmaw, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:58, Reply)

april fools
i forgot april fools day - cue toilet rolls on every door (which mom always fell for), paper covered doorways and metal things and yard brushes carefully arranged to poke out your eyes and scare you to death when they clattered forward when you opened your bedroom door

best one ever tho was no april, but january

a pond covered in ice and a layer of snow, theres footprints going across which he claims proved he walked across once

my brother tried to walk across too...with hilarious (and cold and wet) consequences

(for anyone else wanting to partake of such fun, apparently the trick is to use a slipper on a long stick to make fake prints...
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:54, Reply)

this one went on for a while
To set the scane he house is lovely that time of year, all sorts of plants, including blooming fushias on the mantelpiece

from behind his news paper my dad leaps up and stands in front of the mantel piece

"guess the film" he says



we guess, we fail to guess right for some time, some days later we give in

"back to the fushia" he admits

edit/ wow i just read further down and someone else was inflicted with this joke too...sympathy:)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:40, Reply)

I just called to say I love you.
I don’t see my Dad very often, but I can 100% guarantee that at some time during a meeting the following conversation will arise:

Dad: Have you seen Stevie Wonders piano?
Me: No
Dad: Neither has he!

(Boom! Boom!)

He thinks it's bloody hilarious, and I cringe every single time he tells me it. Surely blind people aren’t that funny?

Have you seen David Blunketts new policies on crime?
(negativefactor, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:38, Reply)

Ahh another one
Me: What's up?
Dad: The sky

Argh! watermelon off!
(Robj, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:38, Reply)

Dad jokes
This one REALLY REALLY anoys me and he still does it.

Ever since The first gulf war my dad has used this terrible joke. we used to play football in the garden and if he missed the goal I'd say "Too bad dad" to which he'd reply "to baghdad? Who's going to baghdad?" and then grin like the yeti from the film bigfoot. And he STILL does it today - I'm 20 years old dad why do you taunt me!!! whhhyyy!!!!?!?!
(Robj, Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:35, Reply)

meet my dad, he'll show you what a real un-funny dad is
My dad has decided recently to make a small jokebook, listing his most commonly used puns, heres the only ones i can make sense out of. This is by no means the worst of his material, this is only the ones he uses so very often he feels the need to write them down.

Hepatitis B - a very dangerous insect
Hepatitis C - a dangerous place to swim
Action Man / auction man - speaks for itself realy
CV - a defunct CD

Also, he has listed all the puns he can make from what he hears on the radio. These include:

Anti war campainers - anti-walk campainers
Stay listening - Stale listening
Afraif of heights - afraid of fights
war memorial - warm memorial
antiques dealers - antique stealers
adult humour - adult tumour
your number one - yawn number one
we deliver - weedy liver
for that reason alone - for that treason alone
no chance - no chants
so do we - soda wee
just heard - just turd

My dad feels the need to say these repeatedly every time he hears a phrase that sounds remotely like one of his pre prepared puns, for the love of god, someone help me, i'm going mad.
( Yeknom. Incontinence and Premature ejaculation? Easy come, easy go., Wed 10 Dec 2003, 20:28, Reply)