I've only ever been on one real 'date'
full frontal snogging. while pretending to watch a movie. then afterward some pelvic snogging, as well.
(Corn Dog, Sun 24 Oct 2004, 1:52, Reply)

Can't remember if I've told this one before
I went for a night out with a few of my uni mates to Dundee. I met my mates in a club (due to lazyness I set off 2 hours behind them) and we proceeded in having a good night. Towards the end of the night I spy a rather attractive female, to cut a long story show I ended up back at a hotel room with her and 2 of her mates. Her two mates were quite happily doing their own thing so me and this lass decided to have a very sneaky shag next to them. I finish up and she heads to the shower. I look at the bed sheets and just see a red mess. I panic get dressed and stand up. I feel all light headed, I thought I was just drunk so I headed into the shower as well, by this time the other two have realised what was happening. I get into the shower and realise where the blood was coming from, I had snapped my banjo string! I promptly left the hotel room apologising a lot. This starts the next dilema, I'm in the middle of dundee, I've lost quite a lot of blood and I have no idea where my mates are, so I head to the bus station. It's 6am and there isn't a bus to glasgow until 7. Finally I make it home by 12 and sit shaking for the next 2 days!


Needless to day I didn't see that girl again!
( bobzarkoff, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 23:58, Reply)

All my own fault
After talking to a woman from another office in our building a few times I arranged to meet her on the Saturday at the bar that is on the ground floor of our building.
However after going and getting completely ratted on the Friday I was in a lary mood all day on the Saturday, and ignored my mates advice to cancel and arrange another time.
I got there on time, and after twenty minutes when my date turned up, the first words out of my mouth were "Have troubles finding the place."
Anyway we got a drink and a seat and were getting on OK, so I went to get more drinks, and I look at the woman next to me at the bar, only to find it was my ex-wife's matron of honour, Louise. Unable to help myself I said, "What the fuck are you doing in Manchester (comes from Leicester), I didn't realise they'd relaxed quarentine rules." After a torrent of abuse i went and sat back down.
A couple of minutes later Louise came over and carried on. Eventually she blurts out, "You didn't think I was in quarentine when you were fucking me did you?". "I don't know, I was drunk."
At this point she went to launch her drink all over me, but being a typical women couldn't aim for shit and soaked my date instead.
I did what any reasonable person would at this point, and burst out laughing.
Needless to say my date went home, and avoids me whenever possible now.
(Mischeivious_Delinquent_Squirrel, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 23:41, Reply)

I disowned him after this (Also my first post...please don't hurt me!)
I had been seeing this one guy for quite a while, don't know why. Anyway, his cousin got him a big, green, nasty NBA Boston Celtics coa for Christmas. It was damn near the ugliest thing I had ever seen. A few days after Christmas, the boyfriend insisted that he take me somewhere special. This was a big deal for me since we pretty much stopped going places. I went crazy getting all dressed up and I was really excited.

We were going to a nice restaurant in an upscale part of town. We park the car and [cue the shocked music] he pulls out the nasty green coat from the back seat. He puts it on and stuffs something in his coat pocket. Did I mention that I hated this coat? We walk the 1 block to the restaurant from the parking lot. He's parading around in this coat like it's the greatest thing.

Once the coat came off at the restaurant I stopped avoiding him. When we left, he puts the coat back on and pulls out the thing he stuffed in his pocket. It was a black stocking cap. It was one of those condom-looking hats. I was mortified. People were staring at him. He looked like a child molester! (Especially with his glasses and the old-man style pants he was wearing) I walked a few feet behind him and pretended I was alone. After spending the rest of the night being watched by people in the places we stopped at along our walk through the town, he finally asked me why I was avoiding him. Normally, I'm not so harsh with people, but he had to know the truth. I said he looked like a child molester and people were staring suspiciously at us. Ouch.

Sorry about the length. :)
(Magical HellBunny, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 23:18, Reply)

Today
when I dumped my boyfriend, in a packed Café in town, and he gave me a birthday present, and then started crying...loudly. I think somebody actually hissed at me.

One way ticket to hell please
(Quiet, you!, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 23:12, Reply)

weirzbowski
"Shat myself..."

Yeuch... that must have been the icing on the cake when she came back in!
(weedom, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 22:53, Reply)

Mopeds, benefit fraud and fights
Before the current trend for internet dating sites was, well, a trend I tried my luck at the 'local paper' lonely hearts lottery, what a fucking mistake.

Date number one sounded 'ok' on t'phone (don't they all) but arrived at a mutually agreed pub on a fucking moped :( Now this was back in the mid-late 90's so no funky scooters or even a cool / retro Lambretta or Piaggio. This was a Honda Cub, like my Grandad used to ride. That set the tone for a very dull evening (from what I remember she liked sci-fi and rock music - the ultimate turn off for me) thus I ended the date with a 'I'll be in touch' and ended up contemplating my dating future over sausage and chips on Mousehold Heath in Norwich ....

Number two lived in a fairly awful part of Norwich ( as I later found out) in a council flat. Again, she sounded ok, if rather keen, on the phone but I thought I'd throw caution to the wind and meet her at her flat. I was greeted by her stoned brother who, all the while I was there (not long, as you will find out), sat in the corner of the lounge and heavily petted his laydee. Then, shortly after being made a coffee, my date's son appeared! This did indeed cause me to raise an eyebrow as she'd not mentioned him in our previous conversations. And finally, just to add to the surreality of it all, two old bill turned up and proceeded to question her about benefit fraud! I kid you not! In true tabloid reporter stylee, I made my excuses and left...

Number 3 was met in a pub in the middle of no-where in deepest, darkest Suffolk. Conversation was bit hard until she uttered the gem 'I'd really like to see a fight in a night club' There's not a lot you can say to that, apart from 'Well, it's been an experience, I'll call you'....

It's enough to put a man off dating for life!
(Paulyw, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 22:39, Reply)

Meat is Murder
Many years ago, I was trying to impress a girl who I’d only had drinks with before, but really liked. So I invited her out to dinner, being flash I took her to my favourite restaurant ‘Rules’ in Covent Garden, the game restaurant, all things shot, hooked, stabbed & strangled.

She went a bit quiet as we walked in; I thought it was the very nice surroundings. (She was a bit of a ‘Harvester’ type girl). They brought the menus, still silence.
The waiter came and she asked me to order first. Thinking she was overawed by the menu without prawn cocktail, steak & Black Forest Gateaux. I said I’d have the sautéed pate de fois gras followed by the wild Roe Deer, rare.

She then screamed at me “I’m a vegetarian, you bastard, you can’t eat Bambi!”
Before running out into the night.
Judging that there could be no future between us without Bacon Sandwiches I stayed where I was. The waiter discreetly removed the 2nd place setting and I had a lovely meal.
(sumo_san, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 22:19, Reply)

My Worst Date is May the 15th, 2013.
(Mick Jagger Ate My Hungry Hungry Hippos, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 21:21, Reply)

I'm an asexual
so have had no embarrassing dates. Ha ha ha ha, you poor sods!
( Bob Todd whee, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 20:58, Reply)

ok then
For some reason only girls who already have boyfriends find me vaguely attractive, and that has caused some problems. One morning after a particularly successful 'date' (read drunken pull followed by slightly guilty monkey-sex) I was in the shower with my lady when I heard a knock coming from the front door to her room (uni flat). My lady's face goes pale and she informs me it must be her boyfriend (who is a big lad and not adverse to random acts of violence) so she leaps out of the shower, grabs her dressing gown and answers the door. I can hear voices arguing at the door. There is a terrible instant were I'm looking out of the bathroom door towards the open window, trying to work out if there's any possible way I could grab my boxers on the way out...
Thankfully it was just her flatmate complaining about the noise. Shat myself.
(weirzbowski, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 20:51, Reply)

Back when I used to go out with girls...
I went out clubbing with this girl, and we were walking back to her flat.

About half way home I started to smell something nasty, and I asked her "have you stepped in something?" she said "no, can we just get home please?"

When we got home, she locked herself in the bathroom and turned the shower on. It turned out she'd shat herself.

I got my own back though, the following week I threw up all over her, in her bed.
( LP, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 18:02, Reply)

Mine would have to have been 3 months ago
Not so much a date, but me and my Girlfriend at the time went to a local gig, we end up sat on a bench in the park with me her and one of my close mates, i turn around because i hear someone calling my name, talk to them for about ten seconds and turn back to my girlfriend with her tounge down my "good mates" neck, needless to say, i promptly left and found another girl, and proceeded to do the same to her, her excuse? "We were only seeing each other, we werent going out" people that believe thatm, 2. her and my good mate (Now going out.)still trying to sort things out, but me and him will never be friends again from what i can acertain.

And then there is the time my girlfriend, (When i was 13) slept with 2 other people and wouldnt even kiss me.... im starting to see a bad relationship patten here...
( [DTMX] Fishing hook, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 17:24, Reply)

The dreaded zipper
I'm sure this one has happened to a few people...

It's happened to me twice!

Been in a nice pub/ bar date is going really well, having a good chat etc etc get a bit half cut on booze then you need to go for a piss...

1) knob gets caught awkwardly in zipper on exit
2)proceed to accidently piss on front of trousers
3)Have decided to wear khaki trousers = piss shows up like a map of Africa on the front of trousers
4)Spend the next 10 - 15 minutes pointing hand dryer at trousers whilst standing on tip toes and wafting front of trousers trying to dry off the highly noticable piss stain.
5)Go back and have that unbearable paranoid feeling for the entire evening that she can smell piss whenever she comes within 1 metre of you...
(don the wrong, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 16:25, Reply)

A Few
Seeing as I have a taste for, shall we say, a little meat on my bones (I'm a chubby-chaser, OK?), I'm frequently recruited to go along with mates on dates where their prospective shag is bringing the inevitable fat friend... People don't seem to realise that 'chubby-chaser' does not mean 'will shag the obese and hog-like of society for the benefit of mates shaggage'. I've been introduced to some real terrors, let me tell you...

I've also had a 'date' off the internet with a slapper who must've got her diary messed up as another 'date' turned up halfway through the evening, and seemed extremely eager until I was forced to get threatening (I'm 6ft 3 and not at all weedlike, so I can look quite fearsome when angered) and he gave up in fear of being thumped back home.

Oh, and also a very good one (for me) but bad for a mate - I was dragged out to a party by a mate solely for him to gloat over the 'extremely fit' goth girl he'd pulled the previous weekend and was going out with again that day... After spending the whole week rubbing it in about how she was so much better than anything I've had (said 'mate' is a bit of a cock) we went to said party and... she spent the evening far more interested in me.

Result.

Said mate is also well-known amongst our circles as having a very small penis. So maybe it was women's intuition at work?

No apologies will be given for length, breadth, depth, volume or diameter. Do not break or bend. Keep out of reach of children.
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 15:18, Reply)

Friend of a Friend Story
Guy meets girl in the Student Uni bar, both get leathered, take a fancy to each other and end up back at her flat.

All goes well, and both blackout.

Few hours later, bloke wakes to find that he has shit himself during the night, his conquest is still out for the count so he does what any good gentleman would do.

Cleaned himself up, disposed of the underwear and rubbed any remaining shit on her arse,

Cue...Girl waking up in the morning thinking she has shit her-self, very embarrassed, though the bloke was strangely very understanding.

Needless to say they never saw each other again

apologies for length and slightly off topic
( Sheep in Socks it is illegal to take a lion to the cinema., Sat 23 Oct 2004, 14:54, Reply)

A friend of mine...
...(a real one, not one of those hypothetical friends) went out with some mates on his birthday a couple of years ago. Got very drunk, pulled a woman in the local dive, took her back to his place. They were both very, very drunk. They got into bed. She pissed in it. She went home.

As you can see, I'll tell anyone this story.
(Dr. Zoidberg, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 13:50, Reply)

This girl stabbed me once.
To this day, I know when rain is coming from the twinges from my left kidney.
( rabid peanut - s'fucking right, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 13:47, Reply)

I've never had
a girlfriend.

:'(
( ArthurTheRat, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 13:22, Reply)

Quite a few as it happens
1. Went out on with friends one night and got exceptionally drunk. Anyway; it had been a year since I left college; and I ended up recognising a girl who was in the same year as me. I kind of knew her through various friends (although you'd have to draw a diagram to show how) but had never spoken to her. Anyway; proceeded to try it on; and got in with her. I was too drunk, so she put her number on my phone for me.

Fast-forward a few nights; and we've been texting each other and arrange to meet up. At the 11th hour; she tels me she will be with a couple of friends as her plans for the day changed; but we'd soon be able to loose them. Ok I thought; and off I went.

Now i'm a fairly normal kind of bloke; and went wearing clothes that were fairly smart (although i regret to say; in a townie kind of way) but nothing ridiculous.

Anyway; I must have been so drunk as to not look at what this girl was wearing when I pulled her. Because when I saw her and her friends I felt quite scared....

They were all goths. In a pretty serious way. Black lipstick all round. Hmmmm.

Cue me sitting there in silience for a bit; going to the toilet; and to everyones delight slipping out the door too. Phew!

2. Much shorter this time. Met a female friend in a pub with her (one year younger and previuosly un-met) sister, intentions were clear that she wanted me to try it on.

Now I'm quite tall (6'4") and they were sat at a table in the corner of this pub. I had to manover round delecatly; and en route passed the ash tray.

Which was full...

And I sneezed...

And it went everywhere...

Turns out little sister is an avid non-smoker and sat there looking as if she wanted to cry as she tried to brush the ash off her top.

Needless to say; it didn't work out
(Smoking Joe, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 12:46, Reply)

Oh dear
I'd completely forgotten about him.

A DJ took a bit of a shine to me and asked me to accompany him to his next gig. I did and sat bored witless on a stage as he was so into the job he hardly said a word to me.

I then made the mistake of giving him my number (damn my misplaced politeness!) and he made up for the previous lack of chat by talking my ear off for 45 minutes about the new mudguards he'd bought for his car.

Luckily my politness didn't stretch as far as accepting a second date!
( Miss Behave - Delicate little flower, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 11:26, Reply)

I took a lovely girl out one evening
and thinks were going quite well in an embarrassed first date sort of way. We made our way to a nice pub I know and got a drink before choosing a fairly quiet corner. As I sat down my foot caught the corner of the antique fireplace and the whole lot came crashing down. This was a pretty large fireplace and it quickly reduced itself to rubble. The (quite crowded) pub went silent and stared at me. I managed to say 'Oh, sorry' which didn't seem to distract any of the attention. The pub remained silent as the clientele watched in fascination to see what the landlord's next action would be. He walked slowly over to me and asked me nicely to pick all the bits up, which I did... still in silence.

Funnily enough, I'm a regular at that pub now, and she left town to study the bible. I think it must have been a portent.
( Milkman Dan, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 11:21, Reply)

/unlurk
Meal at hers.
Food poisoning.
Scene reminiscent of trainspotting.
Nuff said.
(monkeybubble, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 11:08, Reply)

NOT ME!
Friend of a friend: I'll keep it brief..
Boy at party - meets girl at party - slopes off to bedroom - inevitable drunken monkey sex - she eventually complains if being a little sore 'downstairs' - he decides to finish her off with his toungue (although he had never done that before) - eventually gives up after a while and as the drunken girl is now on the brink of blackout, he decides to rejoin the party raging just outside the darkened room he's sitting in - turns out the girl happened to be a virgin, and it wasn't till he reached the kitchen downstairs after passing through the throngs of smirking teenagers he was informed of the dried blood smearing his lips, chin, cheeks and ear???
(DumbBeau, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 10:54, Reply)

Ahhh,
After a horrendous breakup with a guy, I registered on a well known dating site (matchmaker.com) as I was sick of meeting drunk guys in bars.
After a few nice, but no thanks, type dates, I met this one guy.
First time we met was in a restaurant bar, and he talked nonstop all night, but he was cute.
He called me the next night, I fell asleep while he was nattering on to me about his cats.
The night after that, we went out for food and a movie - he was cute, okay? - and he talked and talked and talked.

Now his cats call me mommy and we're getting married next week :) (October 30th)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 4:38, Reply)

Bisexual Three way
My wife and I were out at a gay bar with a bunch of friends. She meets another bisexual guy and really hits it off with him and wants to take him home. I am not into the guy at all, but figured I would humor the wife.

We drive 45 minutes back to our place get undressed and into bed. We start off with a little spit roast action, but not for long. Somewhere along the lines I guess he decided he was more into the idea of me plundering his booty, which I had no intention of doing. He kept getting on all fours and begging for me to do him.

When he finally got the message that I wasn't interested, he requested we turn on some porn so he could finish. I grabbed the closest porn I had, but he wanted some gay porn. At this point I was just over it and kicked him out to the couch, and we all went to sleep unsatisfied. I figured I would take him back to his car first thing in the morning.

First thing in the morning I am thinking I got to get this guy out of here pronto. When he finally gets up and comes into the kitchen, my wife invites him to stay for waffles.

All I could think was "WTF woman!" I guess she had a good time anyway.
(GreenLantern954, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 3:19, Reply)

Oh, that kind of 'date'...
Went to a party at a flat in Milton Keynes in my yoof, and as luck would have it, pretty much everyone got paired off – except the fat ugly mate who never pulled.
However, after a while he did pull and was frolicking behind the sofa with said female and all that could be heard was incessant squeals and giggling from the girl.
After the party, us lads were making our way home and our fat ugly mate tells of his encounter. He proudly announces the girl’s delight was due to his "fingering explorations" within her knickers. We were all suitably impressed as none of us had got more than a kiss and a grope and just to prove his point, he offers his finger for everyone to sniff.

Which we did...

...and it smelled of poo.

He never lived that one down and I guess it kinda qualifies for worst 'date'.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 2:59, Reply)

Blind date...
Me and a mate were in a pub and got invited around to a rather nice Indian girl’s house for what she said was a small party. "Small", as we found out, was just the three of us – and she was really only interested in my mate, who was decidedly better looking than me. He felt bad for me and convinces her to phone a friend so that I can get some too. Half an hour later, there’s a knock on the door and he answers it. He comes back into the room I’m in and *pleads* with me to swap dates, as the invited friend is, in his words, "The most beautiful girl I have ever seen". His pleas being so heartfelt, I naturally refuse and await my beautiful blind date with baited breath.
She was about six foot tall, had a build that reflected her passion for the Army Reserves, did not smile once and had what looked like a dead spider stuck on her chin. (It turned out to be a hairy mole).
I was however quite drunk and pathetically desperate and figured if she had all the right girly bits it was worth a shot. She made me sit on her lap and it was the only time I have ever had a kiss where a girls lips were over mine. After a short time it all felt too weird and she got up and left because I was such a "limp dick". (As it happened, that was a very apt description).
I fell asleep in a drunken stupor on the sofa and was awoken by my friend punching my leg. He was having his wicked way with the Indian girl and had awoken me without her knowing so that I could watch. I thought this to be so decent of him I forgave him for his earlier deception. What a nice chap…
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 2:35, Reply)

PsychoApeMan
Two words for you: "Eeeeeeeuuuggghhh...."
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 2:20, Reply)

...
a friend of mine invited me to the valentine's dance at school. i wasn't romantically inclined to him in any way, but i thought that i'd humor him, and plus i'd get a dollar off the entrance fee (i'm cheap).

the night was pretty fun. lots of dancing (as you do at a school dance). but then...

the dance was nearly over. we were sitting down, and he thanks me for going with him, and then grabs me round the shoulder and kisses me, catchimg me completely off-guard. i jump back, but unfortunately some people are not quite in-tune to body language, because he again grabbed me around the shoulder and proceeded to lick my neck.

the entire time i didn't know quite what to do. my history teacher was watching, for fuck's sake. but i didn't want to push the poor guy away. so i just sat there and hoped he'd finish soon.

unfortunately, the experiance left me traumatised, eventually leading to the breakup of me and a guy i rather fancied, because i still when on full-defense mode when it came to kissing.
(sponch!, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 1:59, Reply)