Dentists
My old dentist.. good old days. not!

I remember my old dentist i was 12 when this happened a good time back i went because i cracked my tooth on a nasty kebab from my local takeaway. anyways needless to say i cracked my tooth and it needed taking out.

On the day i sat in the chair and to my amazement it was a rather purdy lady doing to job. She told me to relax and back the chair went. "Heres the painful bit sweetie" she said, and jab the numbing agent into my gums. "ok thats the worst bit over with" Couldnt get worse could it? oh but it did!

Pliers the wonderful usage of the 1800's came out from behind her back and crunch in it went right on the tooth only i could feel this pain. So in a slurred speech i said "ow i can feel tharrrrrt mumble" "it's ok" she replied and carried on she was yanking for a good 10 minutes me screaming my head off the whole time.

Turns out the bitch got the wrong tooth and i was bleeding all over the place. As i sat up out of the chair she kindly said "would you like a lolly?" To which i replied F*ck off :D
(AmIrealcartoons sorry for seams and gnops, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 23:08, Reply)

My Dentist
Is lovely as pie

My orthodontist on the other hand...

Ok, I lie, it's not so much that he's evil, incompetent, bitter, twisted and slightly over-enthusiastic with the power tools. He's very professional. I've just been screwed around with a fair bit.

A typical late starter, I only got my braces when I was 17. Mind you, I'd been on the waiting list for five years. FIVE! Apparently I had 'interesting teeth' which was funny, as what made them interesting was that there were eight of them naturally absent. A genetic quirk, eight adult teeth gone awol and nothing to push the baby teeth out the way, so they just stayed there. Thankfully, four of the missing eight were wisdom teeth, so no need for extraction or any such malarkey. Finally, after all this time I am shown one year into a room of thirty postgrad orthodontic students and am assigned to one called Popadopaloupadaris* who then fits me with full train tracks, top and bottom.

Each time she makes an adjustment, we wait until the one qualified orthodontist can come round and check her work. This is a painstaking process, but finally it is done. I am be-braced!

Talking of pain, even though I was 17 I got treated like a small child. I got the typical 'lie to children' that having braces fitted 'hurts a bit for a few days, but it isn't that bad really and it soon goes away.'

For two days I went through pain so maddeningly intense and constant that I felt like a dog and wanted to smash my muzzle repeatedly against the wall until the pain stopped - not only this, but the intense pain was tinged with a maddening edge of pleasure. My brain overloaded and desperate to permanently shut down, I suddenly remembered I wasn't a small child anymore. I could take a shitload of painkillers. I duly did, and the world became a much happier place.

It was my last year in sixth form. I was scheduled to go on my gap year at the end of that summer, and thought it would be best to tell them this. they weren't best pleased.

"What do you mean you're going abroad for a year? Why did you start your orthodontic treatment now, this is very irresponsible!"

I coughed.

"I've been on your waiting list for five years..."
"Ah."

I was then told that there was nothing they could do for me while I was away and I'd have to find my own orthodontist (and pay for it) while I was there. Bugger. They weren't even going to try and put me in touch with anyone. Luckily, I found a fantastic orthodontist who knew exactly what she was doing. Private - expensive. I had a monthly budget, and monthly visits. Basically ever month I would take out a lump sum, the majority of which would go to paying the orthodontic bills. I would then eke out a living from the remainder. This orthodontist though, well, she helped me find a good dentist who did any work like extraction, etc, helped me work appointments around my studies and was generally really really nice.

I had to go to the dentist to have two of my baby teeth pulled out, and (as always happens) the conversation started right as he had his hands in my mouth. I began to tell him my tale of orthodontic woe. He listened, and as the story progressed he gave me a look as if I'd come from some kind of third world country and had had to walk three miles barefoot to the nearest witch-doctor before giving birth to a two-headed goat.

Finally, it was time to go back. I'd been out of the country for two years (looking back now, this is lucky) and I was nearing the end of treatment. My orthodontist had invented a small device using memoflex wire (the bendy memory-retaining wire they use in the unsquashable glasses frames) to pivot the root of one of my teeth upright, the others were all straight. We said our goodbyes and I said I'd try and visit if I ever went back.

"You should be out of braces in a couple of months. Don't let them take the extra memoflex wire off unless they can give you a really good reason - good luck!"

I arrive home. My next NHS orthodontic appointment - the first thing they do is take off the memoflex

"wait, why are you taking it off?"
"It's ok, your root's pivoted enough"
"...hmmm..."

They are the professionals, you can't argue. It's defintiely not because it's something unorthodox that theyve never seen before and are therefre removing because they don't really knwo whatthe hell it is. They wield the power tools. They then tell me the braces should be off by December.

"December? But it's July!"
"Yes, well, you can't rush these things. Of course, that's not a definitive date you understand, we'll have to see how it goes..."

It is now November. I went to the Orthodontist last week.

"I think it'll be two more visits until they're off"
*thinks* but there's a couple of months between each visit!
"ok...what're the bends you're making in my bracewire for?"
"Oh, well the root of your tooth needs to be pivoted," he explains, as if I had been totally unaware of this fact, "We need to have the most possible room if we're going to put something in!"

SO. Now my teeth hurt like hell because last week the orthodontist (who is still in charge of 30 postgrads btw) put bloody BENDS in my bracewire to try and shoddily do the job of the device they removed this summer which was ALREADY DOING WHAT THEY'RE JUST STARTING TO ATTEMPT NOW, because they had no idea what it was and whether it would really work. Plus, I'm now thinking Feb. or maybe March before they come off, let alone thinking of replacing the missing teeth.

I'm getting married in July. Click 'I like this' and maybe the bastards will have sorted me out by then.


*Ok, ok, I couldn't pronounce it when I scrutinised her name tag every time I saw her, so I have no idea what her real last name was...
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 22:51, Reply)

My dentist...
... looks like Konnie Huq

I go every six months
(Chom, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 22:48, Reply)

An addendum (You never know when useful)
I did learn one thing from her - if you knock out a tooth then keep it in milk while you scoot off to the nearest dental hospital. App it can be put back if it is kept that way and is not broken in half.

Do reward if this saves your smile sometime. Worn (ie not clean) knickers especially gratefully received.......
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 22:11, Reply)

I lived with one - the torturing bitch!
The mother of my son - one of the few people on this earth actually paid to give pain to people (along with former Iraqi interrogators and BSDM pro-Dommes).

Cute face, neat tits, kinky in bed - fantastic one might think - oh yes: all masking a deep obsession with getting inside yer gob and sorting it all out using bits of shaped and sharpened metal.

One night I was watching t.v and she noticed my front tooth was a little less than shining. Before the adverts came on she had my mouth open and the tartar scraped off. Fast forward 24 hours and the toothache appeared. A small ache becoming an unbearable pain that took over my life. Seems the tartar was the only stuff keeping one tooth together and the nerve covered up from the effects of heat, cold and fresh air. When I complained to her she told me to "go see a dentist then". Agghhhhh.

No wonder the bastards are all rich. They make their own work. Should have sued for alimony when it all went pair-shaped - I might have got the gold-plated merc with a bit of luck with the help of a dentist-phobic judge.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 22:01, Reply)

Polish Dentist
I used to go out with a Polish lass, and got tooth-rot when i was over there. I've got pretty spacky teeth and have spent lots of painful days at various dental surgeries over the years, and am therefore a bit nervous about going.

This was not helped when she sterilised the scraper wotsit with a cheap fag lighter.
(buggerlugs fold staple mutilate, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 20:09, Reply)

Just a cleaning...
I dont know what tools they use for cleanings nowadays but I'm sure they resemble something from medieval torture instruments. Also, I'm certain the lady nurse that "cleaned" my teeth was having a very bad day and I just happened to be her hapless victim *cringe*
Anyways, after about an hour of ripping my gums apart, another nurse came in and with a shocked expression on her face commented that she had never seen so much blood after a cleaning before.
Hooray for gingivitis.
(Phantasmagoria might do that and never come back, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 18:24, Reply)

Im going to the dentist tomorrow
there will be pain, tears, needles, screams,blood and fear that will shake you to your deepest core.....

But at least it wont be me in the chair suckers!



(im a dental nurse)
(Legs 11 last got some loving on, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 17:43, Reply)

take off your clothes please...
I had to get two teeth pulled out and it required day surgery, not just a visit to the dentist. So anyways, i turned up and was asked to take my clothes off and put on a dressing gown. I sort of thought to myself "Why do I need to take my clothes off to have 2 teeth out" but i considered that they were the ones who had the degree in dentistry (or similar) and probably knew what they were doing... So off came my clothes, on went the (rather revealing) dressing gown that barely hid bollocks and I went and sat back down. After sitting down for about 5 minutes another man came in and was told to do the same thing but I noticed when he came out he was still wearing his pants so I decided I better ask the nurse if I was meant to have kept my pants on.

Well it turns out I *was* but it was too late to change as the doctor had just called for me. Luckily for me, and sadly for you sick bastards, I don't think anything happened and I just woke up 5 hours later feeling a bit uncomfortable lying in a public ward with no pants on.
(lewisyoufools, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 16:50, Reply)

Awesome-Fear
When I was 14, I had to have a tooth removed. It never fell out when it was supposed to, and so the replacement tooth had floated off in my gums knocking other teeth out of the way, or some other weird dentist thing. Either way it left me with a huge hole in the roof of my mouth and a bunch of wires pulling the rogue tooth into place.

So I went to see the oral surgeon. His name was Dr Fear.

I later learned that his wife was also a dentist, but she'd kept her maiden name: Dr Awesome. If they had hyphenated their surnames instead, there would be TWO dentists unbeatably named...

Dr Awesome-Fear.
(generic hybrid, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 15:32, Reply)

Truth
As an aside, my current dentist gave me a filling - I'm convinced it's on the wrong side, but heyho.

As an another aside - he did tell me when he did the (Unnecessary (Spelling?)) filling he did tell me that it'll only hurt if the anasthetic wears off.

It did and yes, it did hurt.

Length? Never mind that I can do it several times ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 12:04, Reply)

This isn't going to hurt
Really. I was 7. It will. A lot.

I did some unintentional DIY dentistry when I was 7 when my face met ice at speed, cracked a front tooth and had to have it removed.

The psycho evil Catholic school where I went at the time decided, eventually, that perhaps I ought to see the dentist. Evil psycho nun takes me to the nutter dentist who observes that he can't fix it and it needs to come out.

He assures me that it won't hurt. Bastard f*cking liar, I was in a world o' pain. And 7 year olds feel pain man - you weren't there man!! Heh heh.

Anyhoo, I spent the next 11 years with a plastic false tooth and since it was my front one and I was a child, I was forever breaking it or losing it... And having the piss taken out of me (I don't really understand why) - even had it nicked once (WTF??)

(Trauma..... And breathe)

Cue my 18th birthday and I was told that I could now have a bridge - hooray - no more false tooth :-)

Then the dentist explained the procedure - the filing down of the 2 teeth either side and a bridge put across. No big deal - "It won't hurt a bit".

Ha ha ha - Actually, it didn't hurt - the drugs worked ok :-) However when the drill wondered onto a different tooth, that was when it bloody hurt!

I now have a nice bridge that occasionally sets off metal detectors (not big nor clever) and acts like a sodding barometer - cold, damp, iffy weather makes my face hurt.

I don't mind the dentist really.

Length - Oh yes :-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 12:01, Reply)

Chuckles
Back when I was a kid I had to have a lot of my baby teeth removed by the dentist - apparently this was common around that area due to the fluorided water or something. Although my dad gave me the choice of the string and the clothes line, the string and the door knob or the dentist, so I can't complain.

Anyway, these were generally done using laughing gas. One day I was having a tooth out, and the dentist gave me 5 or 10 mins of gas until I was ready, then just when he was about to start, he had a phone call. The next 20 mins I was lying there, breathing in the laughing gas, with the old Dr Who theme song going through my head as I spun around and around. Then he came back and was about to start, and someone else called him away to the front desk. After 10 mins the nurse came in and turned off the gas. Then just as I finished coming down the dentist returned and put the gas on again, and then left for another 10mins for it to start working. I must have been having head spins for almost an hour.

I remember thinking near the end of it that it wasn't having as much effect as it did at the start. I can't remember whether he eventually went through with it, but I think he must have. Even if it didn't do much to the pain, it may have done something to the memory, so that is almost as good.

My current dentist is mad keen on flossing so always tells me to floss, and then gets some of his industrial strength floss and rips into the teeth and gums. I swear he is trying to make the most blood possible. I have now learnt to floss for the 3 days before an appointment, which cuts the bleeding down to a manageable level. He seems happier now.
(Skippyfillet, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 11:45, Reply)

no more
for years i was subjected to painful dental treatment; drilling, extractions, braces,even a general anesthetic.

i stopped going to the dentist 12 years ago and i have had no pain or cavities since

they make it up, you see?
(globalloon, Sun 5 Nov 2006, 2:41, Reply)

Who knows best??
I had a tooth with a filling in it that had been a root canal some years earlier.... One day eating a sandwich the filling came out, this left two halves of the tooth with a big gap in the middle, most annoying. After a short while the one half became loose.... Not happy with this I set about it with a pair of pen knife pliers and some strongbow. Much blood and pain ensued, but the half of tooth came out. I then went to my dentist to have the other half out, but due to being a haemophiliac the dentist said I would have to go to the dental hospital.

So I duly made my appointment and went, the 'student' that tried first just broke the other half of the tooth, which lead to an infection and much pain, I then went back to have somebody root around for an hour with no joy, and went back a further two times before finally seeing a dentist consultant that just wiped the last bit out no problem.... But on reflection I would have been better off with my pliers and strongbow!!!!
( benkai Doing nothing as of ..., Sun 5 Nov 2006, 1:02, Reply)

Me too
Maggiebloome - I too have a tooth in my wallet, but mine is one i found from one of my koi carp.
I need a life.

Aaanyhoo, main story time.
I had to go to hospital to have part of my upper jaw drilled away, due to an abcess caused by an infected root in a tooth that had accidently helped stop a fast moving cricket ball ten years previously (resulting in tears, blood, pain, a bit of wee and lots of dental visits. Top cricket tip - use your hands not your face when wicketkeeping, it hurts less).
I had to have seven injections in my mouth. The six in my top gums were ok painwise, but the one into the roof of my mouth was the most painful injection i have ever had. Several unintentional tears appeared instantly in my eyes, causing the dentist to ask 'Sorry, did that hurt?', with the reply ' yymff eef fuurrken dddd'
Anyway, the roof of my mouth got sliced open, as well as my front gum, everything got pulled back, bone got drilled out and i got stitched back up.
Then i had to go to the hospital pharmacy to get antobiotics etc. The young lady came to the counter and smiled nicely at me. I smiled back, and she screamed.
'have you just had a mouth operation?'
'yes, why'
'because you look like a vampire after a meal, and blood is dripping down onto your shirt'.

I had wondered why people were letting me walk down the corridors without having to move to one side.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 19:23, Reply)

My Dentist
Is called Dad.

He used to tell me that when the ice-cream van was playing music it'd run out.

Just trying to save me from ice-cream headaches I reckon.



Oh, and sugary snacks.


meh
( The Lurker Plenty One, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 18:42, Reply)

CUNTS
the lot of them
(fwack bang on it, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 18:30, Reply)

My dentist
is called Paul Weller. True Story.
(nutsgeezer, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 17:27, Reply)

Mr>bottom
Not particularly amusing but my Dentist is called "Mr.Bottom", I kid you not. Stupid name but a great densitst, Ive never had a tooth out or a filling,,,,, not that Im boasting.,
(serial lurker, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 16:34, Reply)

Glasgow dental hospital
Few years back managed to crack a tooth in half, didnt have much dosh so decided to go up to the free student dental hospital in Glasgow. Next thing I know my mouth is open and im staring at a gormless 3rd yr dental student (OK, dont actually know what year she was in but she wasnt fuckin qualified anyway!!!) with her teacher in the background giving it "its quite easy, just puuull hard and keep twistin in every direction". 20 mins later the chick still hasnt got the tooth out and im now in agony. Q fucking brutal bob and his grazed knuckles appearing at the request of teacher pull and twist. 5 mins and a fucking astonishing amount of pain later and BB is proudly holding aloft my tooth. Im sat in the seat just thanking the lord its over. Or so I thought.... Teacher looks at the tooth and pulls puzzled face. "ooh, looks like you have 5 roots but only 4 and a half are here, we'll have to get the missing half also. Thats highly unusual you know". I felt like crying. Q more pain, drilling and pulling and eventually it was over. Couldnt move half my mouth and gum was in fucking agony.


I'll just pay for my treatment next time. Cunts.
(grazer is sick of looking at houses, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 15:56, Reply)

...
My dentist is called Bill Bugg.


that is all.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 15:18, Reply)

Well i was going to post my own story...
...but Mr Steve beat me to it. I had pretty much exactly the same experience: infected nerve, huge bulbous swelling in my neck. The antibiotics wouldn't work because some gland or other was blocked. I was in a lot of pain for about two weeks. Too painful to eat, too painful to sleep so I stayed off work with my head down the bog and crying.
Back to the dentist and he drilled a hole into the tooth to let it drain. Ah, the sweet caress of Novocaine! Meant I could finally eat something; never has a king-sized Pot Noodle tasted so good! But then I had an exposed nerve for about a week...
Eventually, the pain subsided and I had a root canal. Best three hundred quid I ever spent!
Though the thought of my dentist 'squeezing my gland' is something I'd rather forget...
(Ghostlight, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 14:06, Reply)

dr. nick (just like in the simpsons)
yesterday my dentist gave me a fucking root canal without any anesthetic. He was like 'oh dont worry most of the tooths dead, it wont be too painful'. Well you didn't plan on the live nerves at the top of the toof did you you cocking fuck shitter.
damn you dr nick! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
(Barry Big Fist, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 13:25, Reply)

Thank dad for good genes
I got my gnashers from dad's side of the family - a bit yellow but we can chew through hawsers with the damn things. My mum and sister, on the other hand, have teeth made of chalk. Oh the happy childhood dental visits when little sis would come out with 4 or 5 or 6 fillings and the dentist, snarling with disappointment, would prod vainly round my mouth looking for something to do.

Not a particularly amusing story, I agree, but it's nice to have a bit of my body that actually does what it's bloody supposed to. For a change. Har har gloat.
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 11:28, Reply)

Insane pain membrane
A few years back I got an infection in the nerve root under one of my upper molars. The nerve swole up like a football and pretty soon my work colleagues were refering to me as 'bumface' to add to my discomfort. I attend the dentist who has a look and does a lot of tutting and says he can't do anything until the infection has cleared up. Oh goody, a course of antibiotics, that's really gonna help. Given the extreme pain involved in having a tiny wee nerve swell up to the size of a tennis ball I beg, cajole, and threaten the medico to 'do something'. Cue more humming and hawing and eventually he suggests drilling through the tooth to the nerve so that it can drain and relieve the pressure. At this stage I'm suffering so badly I'll agree to anything, so then - and only then - does he tell me that he can't use any anaesthetic cause the nerve is too fucked.
So next he's drilling straight through the molar into the roots and the nerve. Without doubt the most painful experience ever, only to be followed by the sudden evacuation of a pint or so of 'pus-sy gunk' from the infected nerve.
Nasty,nasty,nasty...
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 11:08, Reply)

What do you call a guy who makes braces for a living until the earth gets destroyed? Arthur Dentist. Badum-tsssh.
You know, I still have a milk tooth in a little packet somewhere. Just in case I ever want a voodoo doll of myself - well, you never know.

Incidentally (no pun intended... indented? Sorry, I'll stop, really I will.), what's up with all those shiny tools on the tray? Are there really that many different things you can do to teeth that they need to stick half a gear-box in there? I, personally, think dentists just have this big instrumental arms race going.

"Oh ho - you have a miniature drill AND bigger pliers than me, Doctor Stanislavsky? Well see how you feel about this INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH DWARVISH CORKSCREW, pal! It's got a six-cylinder engine! What do they think of THAT behind the Iron Curtain*?"

I swear I wouldn't be surprised to see a little Flux Capacitor in that tray - oh, that? It's sort of like an undo button, you know, malpractice lawsuits these days...

*In Soviet Russia, by the way, not only does tooth pull you, but also dentist has a terrible phobia of patients.
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 10:49, Reply)

Dentist? But yesterday, gardener.
I've had both good and bad experiences with dentists, due to the fragility of the roots of my teeth. I've had one of my molars fly out when I was on a roller-coaster. Anyway, I digress.

I remember when I was 14 going to get a general check-up. This was during the 1980's, of course when the NHS only employed Ram Jam Full and his immigrant brothers.
Now, I'm not that well acquainted with dentistry equipment but I'm sure that miniaturized garden strimmers were outlawed a while ago. This wasn't so much painful, more excruciating. And then there was a loud *ping* noise. Yes, one of my teeth flew out of my mouth and hit the dentist in the eye. Malpractice this, you bastard!

Apologies for length? Sorry, I mistook the viagra for paracetamol.
(aurora-borealis went to the market..., Sat 4 Nov 2006, 9:39, Reply)

tax fraud
my old dentist, lovely bloke, liberal supply of the beanos, and had a cool jungle picture above the chair, mysteriously dissappeared after some allegations of tax fraud, so we've had to transfer to some twat who thinks my whole family need to be told what bacteria are (2 doctors and a pharmacist in there...) and has told all of us we may have gum disease, as our gums look sore after hes finished brutalising them with his stabbing stick. i expect hes wondering why gum disese is suddenly so common! muppet, my old dentist may not have paid his taxes but given the choice...!
/rant over
(skankgirl, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 4:14, Reply)

Running man?
Last time I had to have a cavity filled, the local dentist fired up the drill, ground slightly into the offending tooth, then paused briefly to ask, "Is it safe?"

I glared at him for a moment and he said, "Oh. So you know the movie."
(plaintext, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 4:10, Reply)