I brushed my teeth with Bengay
It was dark. I was hungover. Bengay burns.
(Phee, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 18:01, Reply)

rugby balls up
Eumphazard has reminded me of an unfortunate accident I had at uni. I was seeing one of the blokes who was in a seprate building from me and I would quite often stay over. It was an all lads flat so I always came prepared with a giant tshirt so I could take a trip to the bathroom in the morning.

Being an all lads flat they got up to allsorts of games and the flavour of the month was to throw the rugby ball as hard as they could at each other down the hall. Shame for me I didn't realise this was going on when I nipped out to go to the loo. I got hit buy a rugby ball full pelt in the chest!!! at first I didn't think I was hurt and tried to laugh, this was the point I realised I couldn't breath went purple and passed out. Oh yes theres me on the deck with about 6 lads round me wearing nothing but a tshirt!!!!

This is also the point they decided I had best go to A&E but didn't think to dress me first!!! so they drive me down with my man of the momment and drop us off. I am treated by a doctor who sounds like the sweedish chef from the muppets, this makes me laugh which hurts....lots!!!! he says I have damaged the bits that hold my ribs together and there is nothing they can do except give me pain killers and send me home.

fair enough I think then realise how am I going to get home, remember I'm in just a tshirt luckily we had enough for taxi and all was well but the guys couldn't look me in the eye for days.
( flurokitty 3, 2, 1 lets jam! (+.[___]·:·), Thu 9 Sep 2004, 16:40, Reply)

Corridoor Football
At uni with a nice soft ball. No danger. Myself in goal and it's all going swimmingly, until the ball comes towards me. I decide to clear the ball away as any good keeper should, but for some reason I fudge it totally and kick the corner of a doorframe as hard as i possibly could. I immediately crumple into sobs of laughter and pain, while friends all around laugh rather too hard. Blood all in my nice slippers and everything, and me sans toenail for a good few weeks.
(Eumphazard, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 16:15, Reply)

My dappy mum
My mother is dappy. She's also very house proud. We've recently finished the mammoth task of converting a barn (NEVER attempt it - 6 years in portacabins *shudder*). There are all the original beautiful beams on show, and we have wooden floors.

The beams are waxed to make them silky shiny, but just to top up the wax my mum has some wax polish spray. In a normal, carpeted house, this would hardly pose a problem, however,

Dappy mother + wooden floor + spray polish = BAD THINGS HAPPEN

I enter house, take off shoes and quickly nip upstairs to get to room only to go flying on the landing (there is carpet there now). Mother denys ALL knowledge of wax on floor until I see the spray and directly question her. She didn't think about the fact that gravity would cause it to fall BELOW the beams. She seemed genuinely surprised when I suggested she put an old towel beneath the beam she was spraying ("ooh, I never thought of that!")

Fast forward 2 days, mother has discovered "Floor Wax" and liberally coated our lounge with it. I get home with a few friends to find my mum with teatowels on her feet, SKATING around our lounge. I raised my eyebrows but then decided it could be fun, and so the group of us donned our teatowels and shuffled around on the increasingly shiny floor. Needless to say, one thing led to another and my mum started trying to ice skate. I warned her it may not have been the most intelligent idea, but 5 minutes later she was flying through the air, arse over tit, and landing on her backside in front of me and my friends (we're all in our early 20's). I think she's so used to it she has no conception of the word embarrassment any more.

Oh yeah, and she came in the house yesterday with bleeding grazed knees. I didn't ask.
(Imp of destruction, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 16:14, Reply)

That'll learn me
Again when I was a young lad, I used to be quite a show off. I was having a bath when my mother came in with some of her new female friends to introduce me (bear in mind I was about four or five years old).

Now, I lived in Indonesia at the time, and I also had very blond hair - almost white. Most Indonesian people at the time had never seen blonde hair before and so were almost entranced by my golden locks.

Being quite used to this sort of reaction, I allowed them to take some pictures. Infact, I didn't even bother getting dressed. I then got a little excited. No... I didn't get a hard on, but I became more dramatic in my posing.

So there I was, stark bollock naked, prancing around the bathroom while these women were taking photogrpahs when suddenly I slipped. Not only did I slip, I smashed my chin on the edge of the bath, splitting it wide open and blood pouring all over me.

The women were then promptly ushered away and I was taken to hospital... still naked (My mother is foreign, she didn't think to protect what little dignity I had left) You can imagine the faces of the people in the waiting room when this young boy is dragged in by his mother, without a single item of clothing, completely covered in blood.

I still have the scar today, but I've grown a goatee over it to shadow this distressing memory.
(bunny_333, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 13:36, Reply)

door frame,
i've just thought of another, at uni my housemate and i sat in preperation for a big night out in our kitchen witht the first can of the night. being very childish my housemate said something rude and then ran off so i chased him out of the kitchen.

Normally when i give chase he slams the doors behind him to slow me down. Having been caught out by this before i lept into the air to open the swinging door with a bruce lee style fly kick. This would have worked perfectly giving me the opportunity to catch him on the stairs and administer a fairly homoerotic slapping had he bothered to shut the door.

As it turns out he didn't and instead of meeting the resistance offered by the door and bouncing elegantly to the ground i sailed through the opening and caught the top of my head on the top of the frame just above the hairline. My feet came up level with my head, glasses flew off and i hit the groud with a two inch gash across the top of my head. As most people know head wounds are second only to a severed artery for their bleeding prowess. I lost a good pint of blood waiting for a sober friend arrive to drive me to the A&E Once there i had to explain to a rather unsympahetic docor what had happened and get it glued up. for a week after i had to walk around with a pasty crust of glue at the top of my forehead.

I was touched by the level of sympathy offered by my housemate, when he'd finally finished laughing he ran upstairs to get a camera before he even thought about ringing around for a driver. Mind you i laughed for about a week when he broke both his wrists kicking a tennis ball so i suppose i deserved it.
(ianb, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 13:21, Reply)

Wasp knob, nose smash, baggy balls
...separate incidents, all v distressing nonetheless.

Age 3, I was running around the garden and needed a wee, so popped out the peg to take a slash on a rose plant or something. Then a wasp appears, so I pee on him. He gets angry. He stings me on my winky. Right on the very end of my winky. Yowzer! I yelped, screamed, cried, sobbed all the way to hospital, where about a zillion doctors came to look at me like a freak show. Bastards. It went down and its ok now.

Aged 18, post exam celebration holiday, got massively drunk on the way out to Spain, where it was going out time when we got there. We didn't absolutley need more drinks at that stage you see, but first day of the holiday, what are you going to do? On returning to the accomodation some bright spark though we might go swimming, so we donned our trunks and headed to the *unlit* pool. Feeling pretty pleased (drunk) I jumped up and dived straight down - terrific pencil dive - into the pool. The shallow end. Hands slap the bottom, face follows -thunk- broken nose, blood everywhere. Nasty.
Following bleeding everywhere I was put to bed with tissue in my nose and woke up the next day naked with a morning glory - and my "mates" took pictures of me in this fine state which everyone has now seen. Girlfriends' mothers, grannys etc. Bastards. (The shame!)

A year or two back I had a motorbike accident - dumb bint pulled out in front of me and I slammed in the side of her car.
Going 20mph-0 in 5cm taking the brunt through the petrol tank into the nad sack leads to considerable swelling then saggyness. I had port wine coloured bruised balls for a fortnight. Not good for pulling!
(Rata-tat-atouille, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 13:08, Reply)

I did some
summer work as a Carpet Fitter once while I was at college. One day we set out to go and lay a new carpet in a pub that was having a refurb.

Being a generally hot day, I was wearing shorts and a tee but it wasn't to much of a problem, as I was going to be spending most of the day outside anyway. However, I ended up fitting practically the entire carpet - but it didn't matter because I got plenty of cash in hand as a bonus for the hard work.

That night I was led in bed and my legs were sore as fuckery. I thought I may have got a bit of prickly heat from the sun - slapped some E45 cream on and let the irritation soothe. When I woke up the next morning I was in agony, and my legs and knees had started to blister and go red.

So that afternoon, I'm sat in the hospital where a really foxy nurse is tending to my friction burns from the carpet I had worked on. I was bright red and I'm not sure I was believed when telling the story of how I got my ailment.
( mcdoof fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 12:54, Reply)

Shaggy Dog Banjo Story
A mate of a mate of a mate apparently once got off with a bird on his stag do and snapped his banjo string.

Big problem. How he was going to explain this to his fiancée? Caught in flies? Did it wanking, with an added ‘but I was thinking about you, darling’?.

In the end he didn’t tell her, and when they went to bed he made her get on top. Unsurprisingly the scab fell off, blood spurted out everywhere and he blamed it on her. I gather that she was devastated with guilt. A double banjo snap. Man than must have hurt.
(jimcrock, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 12:10, Reply)

new years
being cornish the done thing to do at the end of the year is to dress up and roam the streets of st ives with several thousand other like minded individuals. after a last minute costume gathering rush i found found myself down at the low tide mark dressed as a ghostbuster next to the harbour wall looking at the moon with a friend of mine. As we start to walk up the beach back into the town we spy a handbag that some fool has left in the middle of the beach. In a vodka induced moment of brilliance we decide that it should be kicked as hard as possible and both rush off to put the boot in. Being a bit quicker on my feet than my friend i arrived a couple of seconds ahead and gave the handbag a massive running kick. Only it wasn't a handbag. It was the tip of a very large lump of granite.

And i smashed my foot up.

And had to be carried back to the car (where we where sleeping).

And all this happened before midnight.

And i've no one to blame but myself.

and my friends all still laugh about it.

and it took over a year to heal fully.
(ianb, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 11:06, Reply)

These seems to be at least 1/year but the best sequence of 3 . . .
17 . . . Trying to work on a chemistry project involving hydrochloric acid would seem to be trouble enough, but the HCL turned out to be less of a problem than the hot glue I was using to add a bit extra to my diagram. Paper cup in one hand, glue in the other, wind blows, cup goes, glue in hand with no trigger on the glue gun to stop it. I held my hand under water and peeled glue and skin off to reveal blisters that held my hand into paper cup holding claw like form for over a week. Arrived at school the day after and the teacher naturally thought it was an HCL related incident because of the large bandage around the hand, and used me to warn the class on the dangers of chemistry. I never burst her bubble.

18 . . . Playing extreme Ping-Pong (the ball remains in play till it hits the ground) my freshman year in college in the dorm's rec area, go to dive for a ball, loose my footing, hit the floor, slide under the nearby pool table right onto my ankle. I ended up having to walk around with a cane for several weeks, sexy.

19 . . . I was sitting at home watching TV in the middle of the morning when I realized the remote was on the far side of the glass coffee table in front of me. Being the genius that I am, I put a knee on the wooden lip (about 6-8 in.), leaned forward and put a hand further down the table, also on the wood, and reached for the remote with my other hand. Turns out, corduroy is slippery. As my knee slid and went through the glass I felt myself falling and punched through the table to catch myself. Didn't realize I was hurt till I saw the blood, nor did I realize just how hurt I was till I heard “SHIT!” out of the ER doc, I had cut through and artery and nerve in my finger. Five years, several casts, over 30 stitches and surgery later I've got a big raised scar, still have trouble gripping things, and can't touch the thing without it hurting.
(spicyjalebi, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 10:23, Reply)

Bath Time Trauma
OK, I haven't told many people about this but here goes. When I was about 13 I was getting ready for a bath so standing fully clothed in the bath room I undid my trousers and bent down to take them off...unfortunately I was standing a little too close to the sink and ended up smaking my jaw on it only to have my TWO from teeth pass straight through my bottom lip. I must have yelled or something cause my mum ran through and saw me lying on the floor in a bloody pool and my trousers round my ankles. We've never been the same since!
( w33b I'm Bigger, and Bolder, and Rougher and Tougher, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 9:32, Reply)

A few years back
we had a school sports day, i have all ways hated them; and continue to do so.
any way, i had done my stupid and rather pointless running event and decided to enjoy the rest of the day what with the aimless activities over.
all was going to plan untill the end of sports day, where a few of us were assigned little jops. a mate and i had to take in one of these eight foot long gymnastics bench things. we dicided that the easiest was to get this over with was to run it in. so we did.
the guy running backwards couldnt cope with it for long, so he dropped the bench, thus causing it to fall to the ground and stop, thus causing me to run full pelt into the end.
off to A&E in an ambulance...woo.
few days later went to france with the school, met the most wonderfuly amazing girl and fell in love with her instantly, pity was that i couldnt catch her up because i had bruised my diaghram. all movement (including breathing) made so much harder.
(Mr.Nipplecat, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 7:18, Reply)

family jewels
A few years back, my ex-boyfriend and I, with my sister and her husband, were playing a game of horseshoes. It was my turn and I threw the horseshoe at the stake near where my sister and brother-in-law were standing. My aim was off a little and the horseshoe hit my brother-in-law square in the balls. My sister and I did what women always do when they see a guy hit in the nuts: we laughed hysterically. Luckily for me, he couldn't walk, or he would have choked me. He was okay after a few hours.
(karly, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 6:35, Reply)

was reminded by an
earlier post of my 6 year old shenannigans.
I was standing in the ditch in our backyard with a ball whn i thought "i wonder what would happen if i threw this ball up,did a backflip and kicked it?".Unfortunately I missed.so i tried again.I hit but landed on my neck.

also,about an hour ago,a big fuck off palm tree branch fell on my arm causing me to yell "OW FUCKING HOLY CHRIST ON A STICK FUCKING CUNTY SHITTY OW!!!!!"
edit:just checked my arm,its bruised and swollen.also i now can't flex my muscles without muchy hurting.
(That guy with a hat., Thu 9 Sep 2004, 6:20, Reply)

short and sweet
In 9th grade, we'd played dodgeball nearly every day. One day I tried to catch a jaw and about broke my finger.

As far as I know, I'm the only person ever to be injured during a game of dodgeball
(hotdogwheel, Thu 9 Sep 2004, 0:40, Reply)

Various Injurious Twattery
1. On the way to the shops, I decided to take a running kick at a cardboard box on the grass beside the path, not realizing that under the box was a large rock. Luckily nothing broken.

2. When I was about 10, we made a rope swing out of a heavy tow-rope with a loop at each end by throwing the rope over a branch then putting a bit of wood through both loops to sit/stand on. All very nice until some idiot (guess who) decides to throw convention to the wind by removing the bit of wood, placing one foot in one of the loops then holding the other end of the rope, thereby whisking his feet out from underneath him and landing flat on his back like a right twat.

3. One Xmas after working my last shift as a temp in the head Post Office in Edinburgh, I went out and got fairly plastered before getting the bus home. About 10 yards from the bus stop, I slipped on some ice and went horizontal in mid-air before suddenly not being in mid-air, face first and landing on top of my left hand. I was lying face down for I don't know how long before my sister got off another bus at the same stop to find me there so she could pick me up and laugh at me all the way home. My left hand was really stiff and painful for about 2 weeks and I now only have 3 1/2 knuckles on it.

4. One Sunday we were down on Pett Level beach which has large shingle banks at the top of it that you have to climb down to reach the sand. One section of the bank was curved inwards and I thought I'd run down it in a sort of Wall of Death stylee to get to the beach. Unfortunately, when I reached the bottom I did that Leaning Over Too Far Can't Stop thing and went careering down the beach before doing a 270 degree flip and landing on my arse via my head to the guffaws of the assembled missus and sprog. I couldn't turn my head left for a fortnight.

5. One Sunday, the missus was cutting my hair. I was sitting in just my pants on an uncomfortable wooden chair, it was very warm and to cap it all Miss Evans was on tv operating on some womans front bottom and hacking through unpleasant quantities of fat. This was obviously too much for my brain which decided that it didn't feel well and remaining conscious was no longer an option. I pitched forward off the chair onto the carpet but luckily my face broke my fall. I came round with a huge carpet burn across my entire forehead, my nose and right cheek. It scabbed over nicely and I had to tell everyone I hadn't been in a fight for about a month afterwards.

6. One new years eve, after pissing it up in Edinburgh with a mate, we stopped off for a couple of 80 bobs and Laphroaigs before going home. On the way out of the pub my mate shoved me and I banged my head on the corner of the stone doorway and started bleeding profusely. Eventually, via the police station and his mums christmas tree, my mate got me home. All I remember after that is my dad telling my mum to check my pockets. When she found my wallet, he said, "That's OK then, he hasn't been mugged."

Apologies for length/girth
( High Lord Phanty, Wed 8 Sep 2004, 19:23, Reply)

FORSKIN SORESKIN
Had a mate at uni who it being freshers week decided to join in they fun and frolicks. ended up pulling this bird, small petit and very very fit... oh yeah and a virgin.
He let her go on top so as not to intimedate her on her first go and she rode him like a pony!!!
Half way through us in the next room hear a scream and we rush through to find him crying on the floor with his foreskin hanging off. Apparently she was SO tight her movements not only twanged his bango string but took most of the rest of him with it.
Must have been a bit traumatic for her on her first go.

He went in a cavalier and came out a round head!!!

oh and he was so embarressed it to him weeks to go to the docs. silly sod nearly lost his head.
(I've done it so many times it's boring now..., Wed 8 Sep 2004, 16:24, Reply)

I'm sure I have tonnes
But I can only remember one at the moment.
My boyf wears a bandana pretty much 24/7, except when we're getting a bit frisky when he removes it to stop it getting all soaked in sweat. A month or so ago, it must have been, we were a fair while in and he hadn't taken it off. I was in one of my crazy nympho moods, so I felt around the back of his head (with my tongue, of course) for the knot and attempted to yank it off with my teeth. Cue screams of pain. I'd misjudged it a little.
It wasn't the knot. It was his ear. Ouch.
( useful_idiot, Wed 8 Sep 2004, 15:46, Reply)

I still wince when I think about it...
Back in my younger days at University in Middlesborough, the Land of Smog and Fumes, my then girlfriend Denise popped down for the weekend to visit bringing a lovely head cold along.

After a few drinks I somehow lost my aversion to her mucus related problems and got down to some serious "making up for lost time", during this she decided a BJ was in order, a rare event and I wasn't going to complain as it gave me a chance to wipe away stray nasal flob.

Just as things were starting to get really interesting Denise was suddenly caught by a massive sneeze which made her teeth reflexively clamp shut, filling my groin with a heady mixture of searing pain, blood and snot, ever tried explaining that at the hospital?

I still bear the scars 15 years later and an aversion to BJ's which I'm willing to try aversion therapy to overcome.

Apologies for length but at least I didn't lose any.....
(Cliche Guevara Predicatably revolutionary since, Wed 8 Sep 2004, 15:44, Reply)

Superman
When I was lad of around four years old, my brother had told me that if I wore a cape, I'd be able to fly. Suddenly the physics of superman made sense and I thought I'd give it a go myself.

Grabbing a large towel, I climb the bunk bed my brother and I shared and began preparation. I fixed the towel round my neck and assumed a take off stance. I double checked that my cape was free and not snagged on anything, as this would obviously impare my flight.

The last thing I remember before take off was thinking "You know... this just might work".

I launched myself off the top bunk expecting to sweep around the room with artful dexterity. Unfortunately, the second I left the bunk, I reliased I had grossly misjudged the power of the cape around my neck and I crashed straight into the ground, breaking my leg.

When my parents found me, instead of taking me to hospital I got cloated round the ear and was sent to bed for being a pest. However, my continuous screaming the next morning made them think again and they took me to hospital, where I was fixed up and they were questioned for abuse. Serves 'em bloody right.
(bunny_333, Wed 8 Sep 2004, 15:25, Reply)

The high speed trundle incident
I'm not sure if this qualifies, but I reckon it's unusual enough to warrant putting it here.

At my last place of work, the boss was frequently conspicuous by his absence. We had a million and one things to do to get out of actual work, one of which was to play trundle football on the office chairs.

The novelty eventually wore off, and we upped the ante. This involved opening the big roller shutter door into the car park, sitting on one of said office chairs, and being launched into the car park at high speed, hanging onto the back of a 125cc motorcycle. The trick was to stay face forward so that you could brake with your feet. If you spun around, they'd drag uselessly along the tarmac without gaining any grip.

The rest of this story involves getting this fundamental part of the flight plan wrong. It also involves a concrete fence post. The result was a large bruse that ran most of the way up the left hand side of my body. Hardly life threating, but still bloody painful.

The funniest part was watching the boss hauling the office equipment supplier over the coals. He was upset at the fact that his supposedly top of the range office chairs all had broken wheels after only a few months of use. We all just stood back and quietly sniggered.
( Horatio P Lemming, Wed 8 Sep 2004, 14:56, Reply)

When I was 15
I lost my virginity in a field with the local bike. Twas a sheep field and managed to get a tick on my bollocks (not a tick of approval from said bike - the parasitic type of tick)

Had to ask my mum to get it out.

Ooops
( pattwat, Wed 8 Sep 2004, 14:40, Reply)

scars what I have
One xmas eve, I was standing behind the sofa while everyone else was watching telly. There happened to be a chest expander to hand. Well, at full stretch, it slipped out of my left hand, and a big sharp bit caught me on the chin. You could see the bone. Still, it could have been worse. Two people died in A&E in the two hours I was there to get the 7 stitches it took to fix it up.

A couple of years ago I was hopping up a kerb on my bicycle at about 2mph. I pulled the back wheel up (clip-ins), but must have still had the front brakes on as I went straight over the handlebars. Very, very painful. My arms were a little sore, but I thought, oh, well, I'll ride the 4 miles or so home. But first a bit of first aid for the bike. I had to get the brake levers back into position by smashing them with my less-sore right hand. I got half way home when I realised that my rather expensive watch appeared to be missing. Hey, it was still there - some good luck. I eventually got to the hospital and discovered a fractured radial head on my right arm, and a large chip off my left ulna at the wrist. Two years later and my right elbow is a joke. I have a metal radial head, and a joint that feels like a bag of spanners mixed with grit and sand.

I have one small-ish scar on my finger where I stupidly caught a large cleaver when doing the dishes. I've never bled so much in my life. I wrapped it in kitchen towel and duck tape, and it stopped bleeding in a day or so. But cleaning the floor of the kitchen was spectacular. Like a mass murder scene.

All for now.
(jasp, Wed 8 Sep 2004, 14:34, Reply)

Head injuries
I drank 11 pints and half a bottle of vodka. I got carried out the pub and somehow flailed a taxi down. Lost, 9 miles from home later, I was hurling appalling abuse at the cabby, until he stopped the cab, got me out then decked me good to the jowl. I went down like potatoes, and smashed my glasses frame into my eye.

I spent the next few hours in hospital being x-rayed and sobering up - some hope - until I discharged myself. I later discovered massive bruising to one side of the face which took a week to disperse; bruised elbows; scrapes to the back and a shredded knee. I still have a bloodstained eyeball.

Needless to say, I dissembled the reasons for the week off work I had to take.
(sentinel, Wed 8 Sep 2004, 14:27, Reply)

Piercings Prt 2
To Echo the previous mail....

I too test-drove a piercing the week after it was done... Unlike the prince albert, the Deep Frenum goes through a substantial piece of meat, and take a few months to heal (PA's go through 3mm at the most, DF around 15-20mm) so it was merely painful, and didn't damage the goods....

However, I lost my pubic piercing when it caught on one of my girlfriend's barbells.... nightmare. It got (un)cleanly ripped out from it's place, and damaged her a bit too... We now BOTH wear ball-closure-rings to ensure we can't get linked...

since then I've had the pubic re-done... and would recommend it to anyone...

EDIT: and Mr Wrinkled Prune.... the balls on BCR's with a 3.2/2.4mm gauge are usually 5mm diameter.
We feel your pain.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 8 Sep 2004, 11:57, Reply)