Dentists
I wehnt do dur denfist anda he numbet mi mouf den he puwed out mi toofar...


Oh God I´m Sorry....
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 13:26, Reply)

.
Friend: Your mum's really fat
Other guy: My mum's dead
Friend: Yeah! She's dead good in bed!
(Maels, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 13:22, Reply)

Fancy Dress
Just last week my little brother (we'll call him Ron Weasley as he's flaming ginger) had a fancy dress party to go to, and the theme was "Under the Sea".

After several hours of pondering how easy it would be to dress up like Nemo, or the little mermaid or whatever, him and a mate finally decided to go as Chinese Cockle Pickers.

When he told me I laughed so hard it hurt!
(charlie1105, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 13:10, Reply)

Truth or Dare
Daring my mate Chris to remove his underpants and post them through the neighbours' letterbox.

I think we went too far in stipulating that he also had to call round the following morning and ask for them back.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 12:51, Reply)

OTT... OPP
It must have been about the year 2000. I was back in the wonderful city of Sheffield seeing some friends having been to Hallam (the ex-Polly) the previous year. I'd left after one year of a ridiculous course having achieved nothing but daily hangovers, colossal debt and various stories.

Having stepped off the coach my trusty friend Ham and I ventured to The Globe (pub). Having just got some refreshments in and starting to catch up, this guy (I don't even remember his name... let's call him Frank) comes over like a long lost friend. Ham knows him, and introduces us. Already, I can see Ham's not overly excited by Frank's presence... but Frank seems oblivious to this and takes a seat.

Anyway, we'd carried on chatting and halfway through the next pint Frank heads off to the toilet. Ham apologises and says that Frank is actually another of our friend's housemate and that he's really boring. I said he didn't seem too bad, I mean he'd just got us the last beers in, and though it was a bit odd that he thought it a good idea to sit with people obviously reminiscing when he had not been part of any of the stories, he'd probably go soon. Ham shook his head and Frank returned.

Gradually Frank started getting more pally... seemingly he started to think we were all old friends, and either one upping stories or saying that he remembered that one etc. Beginning to think the guy was a bit of a tool, but simply increasingly ignoring him I’d idly thrown a tiny bit of my Rizla packet into Ham’s drink. Frank found this hysterical.
Frank tried but missed, then again, then at mine missing but still laughing manically as though it was the greatest game in the world. We had our hands covering our glasses so eventually he stopped and we carried on talking.

About two minutes later he puts a Rizla or something in my drink… Ho, ho ho. But I warn him that I will get him back, and worse. He claims that he always gets people back better than they get him. So in a bit I drop a coin in his beer. Frank is not amused and tries to stick a coin in my drink unsuccessfully. He eventually calms down and then we return to drinking and chatting. He than manages to get a coin in Ham’s drink, which I respond by putting a handful of loose change into his.

Frank seething stops but claims that he will get me back etc. Ham sides with me and tells Frank that he should stop and that I will always take it a step further.

More drinks and all seems calm. I go to the toilet, and when I return low and behold there’s a crisp packet in my beer. Frank is raucous and while I nod and say very good sitting back down, I empty the entire contents of the ashtray into his fairly new drink.
I think finally got the point then and left.

OK, over the top? Well it wasn’t actually until later on that evening that I really got him back. A big group of us went to a club, and Frank and a few of his friends were there. Frank still pissy ignored me… so I got him back for that by getting off with his girlfriend in front of him. To be fair I didn’t actually realize she was actually with him at first; but surprisingly on subsequent visits he was never overly friendly with me.

Apologies for length and girth, but Frank’s girlfriend liked it.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 12:48, Reply)

Circumcised? OK fine....but.....
My friend Jeb (name changed to protect *myself*) had to get circumcised in his early twenties for obscure but wholly genuine "medical reasons". I don't envy anyone going through a procedure like that, and that's putting it mildly, but I digress.

His doctor gave him all kinds of heavy duty painkillers afterwards, and he stopped by my house to let me try some. I wasn't home, I was at the dentist. So, Jeb proceeds to the local bar, drinks a substantial amount, eats several of whatever-the-hell-his-doctor-gave-him, and staggered into the Dentist waiting room just a few blocks away.

I was between procedures, sitting reading (or trying to read) a magazine with a huge bloody wad of cotton stuffed in my mouth,my head as dead as a slab of beef, when Jeb - as stoned as I've ever seen him - fell through the front door.

He saw me immediately, and with a grin which I can only describe as a grin of pure evil announced in a loud voice that he'd; "had the procedure, and I couldn't refuse him any more!" Then whips his dick out and ffs...SHOWS this still bloody stitched up member to anyone in the waiting room!! I watched in mute horrified fascination as he paraded up and down a couple of times, then announced he had to go because he was going to buy some Astro Glide; "ready for when you get home, I'll make you feel better!" then abruptly zipped up and left before the receptionist could call the cops...which it was fairly clear that once she got over her "deer in the headlights freeze", was exactly what she was going to do.

People just sat and looked at me with sheer loathing, I sat and stared back at them not having the slightest clue what the hell to say (or in my case...sign) until called back in for the remaining work on my gnashers to be finished.

Now, that was a bit too far.....
(speedwank, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 12:46, Reply)

Yeah
After a day of paintballing, me and my friends wer sitting outside waiting for my father to come and pick me up. When other cars passed we pretended to hitch lifts and when they just drove past, swore at them etc.
Anyway, this evolved into thinking of interesting ways to kill them and their families. We were sure most fun would be had all round especially by the people we killed who we blieved would get the joke. One of my friends, however, lets call her Daura Lavis for anonimity said that once we had killed them, we should steal their cars.
All laughing ceased as we all turned on her, saying she had gone too far as there is only so far you can take a joke.
She is sitting next to me and is so sick, its unbelievable.

She likes the length though
(The_Reaper, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 12:21, Reply)

November 5th; the other night actually....
Me n me sister sneaked into the corner of a local fireworks display (which is annually setup behind my sister's house in a playing field). Tis a chargeable event, but as I was half-cut I dragged me sis off to watch this event. We sneaked around the back of her house into a small clearing by a tree, and we hid there to watch the full display.
Halfway through, a few of the organisers were walking through the smoke with large powered torches, and as they were dressed in black it created a psuedo-FBI type moment. I stuck my head out from behind the tree and chose this oppertune time to scream "RUN E.T., THE MEN FROM THE GOVERNMENT ARE COMING!!!!" and quickly hid as 6 spotlights all highlighted the tree we were hiding behind. After a few seconds of immense sniggering, the lights went back to the fireworks and we watched the rest of the show unhindered :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 12:00, Reply)

Last one, I swear..
Train Bham New St to Sutton.
I like many others, attract nutters on public transport. Not interesting nutters who fascinate and inspire. Bad, smelly nutters who scare and intimidate me.
Anyway, sat on train with an empty seat beside me. Obligatory ntter gets on and everyone relaxes knowing he is going to sit by me. Of course he does. Gibbering and wheezing.
Feeling panicky, I try to think of how I can stop him talking to me and remember my trusty walkman. If I slip that on then he can't talk to me as I can't hear him. Damn the batteries have gone...o never mind he won't know and I am off the hook of having to igore the clearly mentally ill person sat next to me farting.
I wrestle it out of my bag and for 15 mins or so feign music, by gently tapping foot and/nodding head to imaginery Cure songs.
I notice after a while that people are givine ME the nutter avoidance look...including the nutter. How odd I think and persevere with my imaginery music-fest. (I have moved onto Smiths now)
When I stand to exit the train, I realise why everyone is avoiding my face and generally looking worried. The lead/jack to my headphones is lying on the floor and I have been tapping my foot etc for 15 mins...
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 11:41, Reply)

honeymoon in the same hotel as the party? mistake...
we borrowed the grooms jacket-just checking for size/fit etc. and purloined the room key. proceeded to unbolt the four poster bed and rebuild it over the freestanding bath...which we'd filled of course. Fresh out of the box Mrs. was of course heavily belly full of bones and needed an early night, too far?
no, but pissing in the freeby champage was...
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 11:39, Reply)

QUOTE:
The guy got up there and very calmly explained that he and said deceased had been lovers for years; they had a home together and shared their lives - as much as a married man, with children and a very public business life, could.....


It'd be super funny to just go around to strangers' funerals and do that...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 11:39, Reply)

And again...
1992, party at my mates house.. Their dog, Buster was recently humanely destroyed for biting someone, and my mate's sister was unbeknownst to me, pretty distraught about it.
So there's a note from his hoidaying parents on the kitchen counter detailing things to do whilst they;re away.
1. Clean floors, 2. buy food, 3. cut lawns etc, you get the idea.
So we all start adding things on the bottom...
10. Attempt autofellatio, 11. Rub nads with a cheesegrater.
I went too far by appending the line
14. Dig up Buster's corpse.
His sister read it and went postal. He threw me out of the house.
Secretly a lot of people thought it was hilarious, but never admitted it.
(LunarJim, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 11:22, Reply)

Ok so what is the collective name? This is a bit long sorry.
(Forword - I shared domestic arrangements with a couple and one night after a late night viewing of Your Frankenstein on vid with the him part of the couple, ejected vid to be confronted with late night telly and brightly coloured visual of lady parts on some edicational program. It had arrows and labels and everything and shocked the socks of both of us)

One very drunken night out with girlie friend. She slightly more worse for wear than myself and in need of B&H. As I was making the most sense it was decided I should be the one to do all communication.

We decided it was curry time and managed to hail a taxi after being refused entrance to two curry houses in Brum city centre, decided to head for our native Moseley, they would let us in of course!
However, she needed fags and I was losing the power of speech and so when asked by the taxi driver where to, we sort of pointed and shouted the vague direction. Alcester Road, Balsall Heath we spy garage...aha FAGS! Handbrake on as we scream at driver to pull into garage. He by now is getting bit miffed that a. he still does not know our destination and b. we may have no money and not realise it.

OK Fags on board, I gaze blearily out of cab window as he asks yet again where we are going. I look across the road and spy curry house. 'There!' I shout. Eyes to ceiging he bundles us out of cab outside a very pink curry house and we shamble in.
Luckily or unluckily for us it was without licence and so we could drink no more. As my friend was lsing the use of her feet this was not all bad.
She handed me a 2p piece and told me to phone her husband so he could join us for a curry...
After about 12 attempts I managed to get hold of him and said he should join us, which he did. To his lasting regret.
He sat down next to his wife who had passed out on the table and was inhaling a Biryani. And I brought up the 'Night of the Clitoris' as it had become known. He pointed out that there had been more than one and we debated what the collective name would be..clitori? Then a large number, would that be a whoop, a gaggle, a herd of cliteri?
The waiter arrived and asked politely what our new diner would like. I asked him what was the best collective name... a gaggle or a flange of cliteri.

His face and those of the other diners told me I had gone too far.



However, I am still curious so if anyone has any thoughts....
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 11:17, Reply)

I always cross that line...
... this week a guy at work informed us that his father in law died a couple of weeks ago and he'd inherited the deceased's car.
I asked him if he'd had a "wank in the drivers seat out of respect for the dead".
He went quiet and didn't say much.
I still dont know what posessed me to say that.
(LunarJim, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 11:12, Reply)

I went to Cardiff once...
..but ended up in Newport. I had indeed gone too far.




*cries*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 10:52, Reply)

Some absolute munter
lobbed a 2-foot stone down the hill at me while I stood at the side of the river being photographed by a friend. I never got to see that tourist monument!
(satellite blows, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 10:21, Reply)

Fraud
I never got pocket money from my parents because they never had it and they said being poor as shit was character building. So I decided to have a jumble sale from our garage and sell off a load of junk.

But then I stood in front of my entire school and told them that the sale was in aid of a handicapped boy I knew, to buy him a new wheelchair or something. It wasn't.

I made £3.60 (c.1980) and spent the whole lot on fresh cream chocolate eclairs from the local bakers.
(frankspencer, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 10:02, Reply)

You're who?
I live in a small rural farming community that is generally very conservative. Earlier this year a farmer in his fifties died of cancer. His family - wife of 20 or so years, kids, in-laws, the whole lot, were obviously distraught and distressed by their loss. A huge funeral was held - all the locals turned up, including the grain merchant, machinery dealer, the lot - all the people that this very popular man had had dealings with over the years. The funeral was all going according to plan when a very nicely dressed, and attractive man stood up after the eulogies and said he wanted to add something. The dead man's wife and family all looked confused - they didn't know this stranger, but hoping for kind words they let him go up to the pulpit and say his bit.....The guy got up there and very calmly explained that he and said deceased had been lovers for years; they had a home together and shared their lives - as much as a married man, with children and a very public business life, could.....

Telling everyone at the funeral? Going toooo far!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 10:02, Reply)

on being asked how i liked my tea...
... i said into a round of people of mixed gender and ethnicity:

"I like my tea like my women: strong and sweet..." and went over the line with "...and white!"
( bierbelly, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 9:46, Reply)

I am blip
.
My flatmate has the same horror of messy pubic hair. He himself sports the "last turkey in the shop" look and he encourages all his passing fancies to do the same.

He's been known to bring a girl back to the flat, get her naked, and then hand her a razor with the words:

"Go tidy yourself up"

Too far mate.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 8:47, Reply)

Stag party....
Was very pissed when this happened, in fact am very pissed now... Anyhooo, I was at the pub with several of my best mates, at my stag party, a week before my wedding, when I am given a challenge. "A challenge?" I Strongbadishly inquire? "I acccept!" The problem was that the challenge was to drink one of every beer on the pub's menu from A to Z. I remember getting as far as Guinness, I apperently got as far as Maudite. There are some lovely pictures of me passed out in a bathroom stall, and being carried out of the pub. The worst of it is that aour server was very flamingly gay, and I asked him witrh all seriousness "would we get better service if we were better looking men?". The shame runs deep.
(Savitar, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 7:09, Reply)

someone taking a discussion too far
i was at a party a few weeks back in my mate's flat. there was me and my mate keren talking with some random guy. the conversation got onto hair, and how one of my mates is considering cutting his long hair. cue this guy starting a rant on women's pubic hair and how a woman obviously doesn't respect herself if she doesn't keep her nether regions up to his standards. then he starts talking about an eiffel tower. unbeknown to us at this point this is where the pubes are shaved into the shape of the eiffel tower. fair enough we thought after he explained this. then he enquired if my friend was easily shocked. she says no and he drops trou in the middle of this bedroom full of other folk and demonstrates said pubic topiary. TOO FAR!

he then sits back down and asks what we thought about his "eiffel tour".
my reply: "it's more like the blackpool tower"
him: "how so?"
me: "because the eiffel tower's a lot fucking bigger than the blackpool tower!"

he left the conversation and room shortly after.
(i am blip don't trust bono; he's a wank, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 5:20, Reply)

Imagine this...
a child at Christmas eagerly awaiting the promised present. A digital camera. Have wanted one for ages, droped not so subtile hints, and just KNEW I was getting one. I go downstairs on Christmas morning to find many a present under the tree. My dad smiles and hand me one that is camera-shaped and said "I knew you wanted one." I open it with an expression of pure joy. This quickly changes to surprise (like biting into a chocolate and finding a turd filling) and anger (Hulk-like in intensity). What was in the box that had so changed my emotions? It was indeed a "digital camera" as my dad had proclaimed, but this was no ordinary digital camera. No, my dad had to be an ass. It was a disposable camera crammed into a rubber glove with a hole for the lense. My dad was laughing his ass off and smiled a shit-eating grin then said "Don't you like the digital camera?" I think that's when I developed the eye-twitch.

A later present turned out the be the real digital camera, but damnit that pun was going to far.
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 4:25, Reply)

The difference between kids & adults
When I was 13, I spent a weekend at a friend's place. His mom left for work and put me in charge since I was the oldest. I was responsible for my friend's 8-year-old brother and his 3-year-old younger brother.

At some point of the day, we figured out that the 3-year-old would do anything for a laugh. We thought it was hilarious when we told him to kiss our butts (fully clothed, you filthy minded folks) and he did, too.

Since we thought it was so funny, we figured his mom would, too. So we showed her this hilarious new trick. Well, she didn't think it was funny. Didn't hang out with those kids much after that.

It was pretty funny at the time, though.
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 1:38, Reply)

Taking the piss
My friends used to go out and try to 'one up' each other when pulling fit birds. Bored of just very successfully pulling (how?! why?!) they then started trying to put the girls off in more outrageous ways. The favourite one was to chat them up, feel them up, then ask them back to theirs. While visibly and purposefully pissing themselves, puddles forming at the bottom of their jeans.
(whatswiththemonkey, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 0:32, Reply)

Joke on practical joker
At college I used to have a mate who was really into playing practical jokes on me and the rest of the class. So one day we planned our own joke on him. During physics I quietly removed his car key from his key ring. At breaktime a mate moved his precious mini (old style!) in the car park. It was positioned on the next level but still clearly in view from where it was removed from. Then I sneaked the key back on the key ring after break. After college we all walked with him down to his car. I'm surprised he didn't rumble us then because no one else had a car so we had no need to be in the car park. When he found his car gone he just stood there speechless. We all started to get the giggles that eventually just pissed him off. Were weren't taking his loss seriously. We then proceeded to show him that his treasured mini had just been moved. Bugger did he go off in a huff. I don't think he spoke to us all for the rest of the week and I don't think he ever really trusted us again. Sometimes I wonder if we went to far. Naaah! We gave him a taste of his own medicine.
(grahamm wish I could think of a clever sig, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 0:03, Reply)

Too far on both sides
Surpriesed I didn't remember this earlier.

It was about a year ago and a group of us were sitting in one of the uni bars, being our usual selves, which in this case involved bitching about an annoying mutual aquaintance of ours.

Suddenly, one of our mates pipes up, "He doesn't have my number, does he?" Evil smiles were exchanged and the fun began.

Our friend began to send texts to this feller, pretending to be a horny young girl named Sarah. 'Sarah' told our chum that she thought he was very attractive, and would he like her and her friend to come round for some fun? 9.30 okay?

Of course at 9.25 who should show up at his door but all of us. Struggling to keep straight faces we asked if we could use his toilet. One by one. (As in, one of us would go in and use the toilet, then when they returned another one would say something like "That's a point, can I use your toilet as well.") Our victim is getting more and more obviously frustrated, he wants us gone before his threesome companions arrive. (He is gullible enough not to wonder how some random girl got his number, or is willing to shag him despite them never meeting)

Eventually we went (much to his joy) and that is where the whole thing should have ended. But, of course Andy (being the feller sending the texts) doesn't know when to stop, and sent a text apologising for not turning up, but promising even more erotic treats next time to make it up.

'Sarah' and our gullible friend spent the best part of a month texting each other, and the things that were said got increasingly filthy. Andy seemed to be enjoying himself a bit too much, while the rest of us walked the line between finding it hilarious and disturbing.

The final straw came when 'Sarah' asked our victim for some measurements of a personal nature (No! Why Andy, why?) and he eagerly replied. Having screamed in disgust and horror, the rest of us stepped in, and put a stop to it, forbidding Andy from sending any more messages as Sarah. The whole thing had definately gone too far, as had some of his replies.

Length? Well none of us needed to know, to be honest. And what kind of person divulges that sort of thing to someone they've never even seen? Nobody normal, that's for sure.
(Uncle Comrade, Sun 12 Nov 2006, 23:31, Reply)

Indian Restaurant Challenge - Going Too Far
Some time around 1995, myself and mates at my local set up a challenge to see who could nick the most innovative / difficult thing from a curry house.

The first few weeks were fairly mundane, with menus, napkins, poppadum baskets etc mounting up. The first really good effort was a table cloth which one guy had stuffed down his trousers to smuggle out. This raised the bar significantly, and was soon followed by a chair (sneaked out under several coats), a couple of balti pots, a large ceramic elephant and a toilet seat.

A couple of weeks later, we were at a party discussing who had "won" the challenge and had decided on a prize of a crate of lager (naturally). It was reasonably late and we were all hammered, when two of the guys disappeared. Half an hour later they return carrying....drumroll....a waiter with a mail bag over his head and his ankles tied together.

The small indian chap was more confused at being kidnapped than annoyed. However, once he had got his bearings, it took some effort to placate him.

Stealing a waiter....that's going too far...
(Mandrill, Sun 12 Nov 2006, 23:28, Reply)

Teen partay
So there we are, Xmas 1987ish and theres a house party at a mates house in a nearby vilage. We turn up at Rockin' Johnny G's house (his nickname, honest) and we proceed to get cunted. It ended with RJG's father returning at about midnight and throwing us all out. 'Twas a legendary party, highlights included:-
Me vomitting over a snowman (class eh ?) in the front garden.
A friend (Jon the gonk) seeing his reflection in a window and raising his glass in a "cheers" way, and smashing the window with his pint glass.
The sofa being ripped to pieces. (literally, covers ripped off, foam shredded...)
My good self head-butting the lamp shade so it swang into the artexed ceiling, leaving deep chips in it.
Much beer and wine spillage on sofa, carpet etc.
Much shagging in bedrooms.
I think thats it - it was a long time ago and weve lost touch.
We went so "too far" we actually came round the other side and didnt go "to far" at all !

Never apologise !
(kitescreech still here, Sun 12 Nov 2006, 22:03, Reply)

I went too far once...
...Told the missus (now ex) I was off to the corner shop for teabags and milk....Ended up in a pub in Scotland.


True story!
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 12 Nov 2006, 21:46, Reply)