Three exceptions to the rule that comedy club heckles are shite ...

1. At The Comedy Pub in London, the entire front row is watching the show very intently, but laughing only at the most inappropriate times. After a couple of acts come and go, seasoned stand-up Spencer Brown decides to try some banter with a startled-but-happy-looking lady in front and centre. (I think he referred to her as looking "like a toddler that had just seen a fox for the first time".) She responds: "I am sorry, we are Norwegian and we do not understand you talking too quickly. We are however very much enjoying your amusing uniform."

2. A "secret" (ie. poorly attended) pre-Edinburgh warm-up gig by Chris Addison*, who had a Perrier nomination the year before, in the basement of a London bar. About 10 minutes into the set, three dolled-up American ladies walk across the front of the stage and sit down in a corner booth. We (ie. the stand-up and the dozen or so people in the audience) all say "hello" to the latecomers, as is tradition in such circumstances. Then, about 15 minutes later, they walk back across the front of the stage and make their way to the exit. Chris asks, why leaving so soon? One lady turns and replies in the broadest of Texas accents: "We've all decided to go somewhere we can talk. But don't worry -- you really are quite funny." That gets the biggest laugh of the night. (Which, under boxing rules, means Texas Lady wins Mr Addison's Perrier nomination and gets to challenge Laura Solon in the next round.)

3. A midnight gig with Paul Foot and Trevor Lock. I find myself being heckled by another audience member from the opposite side of the room, because I'm "drinking coffee" and therefore the type that "drinks coffee". I'm forced to explain that the bar had run out of glasses, and my paper beaker contained red wine, and that I'm a different type entirely. We're both quite drunk, so this process takes up around 15 minutes of the 1 hour show. I'm told this was neither more nor less amusing than anything that had been happening on stage.

(* late-breaking edit: have just remembered it was Alun Cochrane, not Chris Addison.)
( 0% Interest Expand Reply Retweet Favorite More, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:22, Reply)

Back when I was a wee goth
Some scallies on the schoolbus gave me stick for wearing nail polish. Something to the effect of

"Eeee why are you wearing fucking nail polish you poof"

"So when i'm having a wank I can look down and see a girl's hand."
(Slyph, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:19, Reply)

Football related...
Playing a match a fair few years back and I was in goal. Spilt a shot, that lead to a goal mouth scramble and eventually a goal.

Our quite lazy (but, admittedly skillful) midfielder shouts at me...

"Nic, What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Instantaneously I hit back with...

"More than you fucking well are..."

This led to cheers from the sidelines...

Yay.

Does that count?
(blackfacedfightinggibbon, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:17, Reply)

X-Men cinema heckle
On X-Men's release, a group of my mates went to see it on the first day. During the scene in which Xavier first rolls out onto the screen in his wheelchair, some kid at the back shouted out "TIMMMAAAAAYYYYY!", in clear reference South Park's wheelchair-bound mentally challenged "spazzer".
(gavD, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:13, Reply)

And finally
I was walking around town with a few friends eating a bag of chips when ms. chavista 2006 shouts "here mister give us a chip" my witty retort of "you've had enough already ya fat slut" was greeted in the time honoured way of the scum, a barrage of blue WKD bottles from her and her cohorts.
(doltage, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:06, Reply)

heard an Irish comedian
come on and his opening line was "I'm a schizophrenic" and some drunk from the back piped up "why don't both of you fuck off then."

aces
(doltage, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:04, Reply)

only read about chubby
not so much a heckle but he made sure no-one heckled all night, years ago after a famous child abuse ring was uncovered chubby brown opened a show with the line "i'm surprised to see so many people here, I thought you'd all be at home fucking your kids"
(doltage, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:03, Reply)

David Beckham fan
Was at Middlesbrough uni at the unions weekly "comedy night". I wasn't really paying that much attention but the stand-up guy made a joke about David Beckham, at which point this tramp, and I mean tramp (you get the occasional wanderer at Middlesbrough union) staggered onto the stage *completely* pissed, and started trying to be very serious about why we shouldn't take the piss out of David because he's a credit to our nation, he seemed to be putting more effort into trying to stand.

At this point the stand-up guy just gave him the mike and went to the bar, so this tramp guy took the stage and said that if anyone else took the piss out of David he'd "do you", and predictably the whole audience erupted with insults.

And a short while later there was a fight, woo!.
(Miss_Blue, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 10:57, Reply)

Billy Connolly
...once responded to a heckle with;

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB! I DON'T COME TO YOUR WORK AND TELL YOU HOW TO SWEEP UP!"

Which i sometimes use as well.
(unclehunty, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 10:57, Reply)

Another one I witnessed - Harry Hill
Again, at the Southampton Guildhall.
Can't quite recall the exact situation but at one point Harry was passing comment on the general behaviour of the audience. Some bloke shouted out "If you think we're bad, you should see Pompey!" to which Harry slapped his hand against his forehead, shook his head with a smile and went "It's not a bloody competition, you know!"
Cue much LOL'ing at the expense of the twunt who tried pretty hard to embarrass us all. ;D
(Space Strawberry in 3D, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 10:46, Reply)

Fireworks
Our local school has an annual 'twilight sports night' which ends with a traditional crappy 10 minute fireworks display. A few years back it was particularly crappy because the insurance company suddenly demanded they pay an exuberant policy. With the policy paid for out of the fireworks budget there wasn't much left for actual fireworks, so the crappy 10 minute display turned into a crappy 1 minute display. Seriously, it was like one skyrocket and a party popper.

Everyone there remained standing, uneasily, waiting for the real display to start thinking this must have been a warm-up or something, surely there must be more, but the penny gradually dropped as the pyrotechnic blokes packed their spent skyrocket into their car and started to drive away.

The crowd began to shuffle home, disappointed and silent, when a 3 year old kid yelled out “if I’d paid for that, I’d want my money back!” 200 people erupted into laughter and the night was saved.
(Brundy, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 10:46, Reply)

A Mighty Boosh one
I've heard there's some Boosh ones on here already but I dunno if this one's been done or not...
At the recent Southampton gig, Noel's baddie character 'the Hitcher' had just come on, being his usual evil Cockney self. The audience started booing and hissing instinctively like it was a pantomime, so the Hitcher delivered the line "Bah... every boo just goes to make my erection that little bit harder!!" The booing then silenced and got replaced by laughter and grossed-out "eeeww"s. That was apart from one bloke who was still apparently booing. So the Hitcher continued with "Don't keep booing after I've just explained that concept, you fucking PERVERT!!" Class.
(Space Strawberry in 3D, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 10:30, Reply)

Dinky Toy Orgasms
My aged parents were having a dinner party for my mother in law and her strange Australian lover. He has spent the whole evening pulling various 'classic' Dinky Toys out of an oily canvas bag and passing them round to be 'admired'.

Finally he pulls out the pride of his collection with the words: "and now it's orgasm time!" to which my 62 year old mother quietly says: "I can't feel a thing" ... my father replies: "no change there".

Whole table cracks up apart from a very confused Australian.
( EasyCheese, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 10:19, Reply)

Hmmm
It was at Glastonbury and me and about 6 companions were peaking heavily off a lot of fungus in the Glade. First we watched AFX then Plaid and all was going swimmingly - then all of a sudden a couple of lads took the stage calling themselves "Cyderdelic" and started doing a kind of comedy rap parody. This didn't sit well with any of us especially my man, who began looking for things to throw at them. He only found Neurofen. So he threw Neurofen at Cyderdelic. It didnt make any sense. They ignored it. Fair play. Its not something you dignify with a response.
(Snake (on a) Crane FKA thwack, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 10:14, Reply)

Not a heckle as such, more of a boo-ing.
Went to see Juliette Lewis and The Licks last year here in Nottingham. She kept telling the audience how great it was to be here in Notting-HAM, which did not please the crowd. Here, the correct pronunciation is closer to Notting-ERM. She kept getting booed very loudly every time she said it, and just looked puzzled.

Was a bloody good gig tho, so she was forgiven.

set_phasers_to_alkie: I thought she was a fugging good singer.
(jimi.vicious regrets criticising the American electoral system!, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 10:06, Reply)

Re: Daphne & Celeste at Reading
I see somebody is already on about this. Let me just give my perspective on events. I was in the audience that day, fairly appalled. They were the best thing on in a schedule of relentless nu-metal dirge and the people throwing bottles were stupid little metal kids with little or no clue that they were bottling off the only even vaguely subversive act on the bill. I was backstage just before the infamous signing session and met them as they were going into the tent - two bewildered sweet and harmless girls who had just been covered in piss and rubbish because some self-styled "alternative" kids couldn't take ten minutes of music outside their conservative little box.
Then I saw them get the same treatment again, only at close range this time.

To all the participants: you are a shower of cunts.
( Zuowan, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 10:02, Reply)

Not a heckle but...
Roy Chubby Brown had the difficult task of opening a gig at a Catholic old people's home a few years back, they had been broken into a fortnight before and had their telly's and murray mints nicked.
Annnyway, he goes on stage looks dumfounded for a bit then indicates to the giant crucifix hanging at the opposite end of the hall "I see you caught the c*nt then"

taxi for the fat man
( hypnochimp, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 9:57, Reply)

I'll get my coat...
Twas sitting at a dull dinner party with the host telling tales of his world travels.

We were being told of ALL the exotic places he’d been and how HE’D been diving EVERYWHERE and stayed at ALL the best hotels. Everyone sat listening to his tales although you could tell they were all getting bored.

“And then we stayed in this hotel out on the reef. The floor to the bathroom was glass, you could watch the fish when you were on the toilet, which flushed out straight onto the reef”

“Actually one morning when I went to the loo a manta ray came up off the bottom and swallowed one of my richards whole”

“Eew that’s horrid” said one of the girls.

“Well” said I, looking up “You wouldn’t want to chew it, would you”

Cue one of the chaps spraying his coffee and the sound of very hearty laughs from a couple of the others.

Well, at least it brought his tale to an end.
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 9:55, Reply)

little britain
yes, i'm absolutely positive that they did. les dawson did it when i saw him in a pantomime as a kid - he said:

"bloody wilmslow. they're so posh there they carry fish and chips home in a briefcase."

cue much amusement from my parents as my dad had actually done just that the night before.

i didn't get why it was funny for about 10 years.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 9:33, Reply)

rachelswipe
Do you not think they might have picked a local town and done that every single night of the tour? Everyone loves a local reference...

I've also got a great story about Michael Douglas' brother, died of an overdose of something and some people were'nt sure of his identity, anyone know it?
(kitch, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 9:30, Reply)

Comedy Club
Only one I'll admit to....

Local comedy club, compere shouts "Good Evening everyone!! Are we all ready for a great night of comedy?"

"No, we're gonna stay here" I shouted.

Well, it got a laugh there.

.
(MichaelLinge (ywc), Fri 7 Apr 2006, 9:23, Reply)

FC United
you know, the break away club formed by man utd fans pissed off at the american takeover.

my brother was telling me that, about 2 months ago, there was a simply enormous linesman. after about 10 minutes, all the crowd were singing:

"WE SAW YA SWIMMING IN THE THAMES..."

how harsh is that?!?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 9:21, Reply)

racetraitor
you ever heard of a korean rock singer called seomoon tak? and is she known to be any good??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 9:18, Reply)

...and Bruce Ferry
Not quite a heckle, but just as effective. Human Rights Concert in Harare in '88 - Tracy Chapman, Peter Gabriel, Bruce Springsteen, Sting and various others. It was in Zimbabwe because of the sanctions in South Africa - unsurprisingly, most of the audience had made the long journey from SA.

Huge banner at the back of the stadium: "We love you Brian Springsteen"...

Cherry popping? It's always less painful second time around...
(CaptainParalytic, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 9:17, Reply)

little britain
as you'd expect, walliams and lucas were quicker than two flashes with their comebacks to hecklers at the little britain stage show.

at one point in their manchester show last november, carol ("computer says no") was looking for flights to florida. she said "i've got a flight to bolton?"

at which point half the audience cheered and screamed. and walliams sneered immediately:

"it's a f*cking sh1thole."

not particularly clever, but the speed and the accuracy were tres impressive!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 9:12, Reply)

George Carlin!
So i went to see George Carlin perform in my home town awhile back. He was GREEEAAAAT! In the middle of the show he got to a joke that took a bit of explaining and told the audience not to yell or laugh till the end cause he needed to concentrate. Of course in the middle of the joke some assclown yells "wooooooooo" completely killed the joke and didnt get that many laughs. So George quickly snaps back after his joke "Hey security we have a major asshole in the front row and if he doesnt shut the fuck up i'll need you to hold him down while i shove my cock in his mouth!" The whole audience laughed so hard and that guy left the building that moment in shame!
(|insertnickhere|, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 8:43, Reply)

at a Rock Against Racism in the 80s...

...some reggae guy was playing and was subject to a barrage of frightfully witty bons mot from some of the crowd, I gather for the crime of not being the Sex Pistols.

His response of "I hope you hate the National Front as much as you hate me" was pretty classy I feel.

PS I wasn't there, this is just something I read.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 8:28, Reply)

The League of Gentlemen, Birmingham NIA, 2005
As soon as Pauline walks onto stage I break into the heckle "DOLE SCUM!" to which she (!) replies, "Oh yeah? Well at I don't heckle your mom at work when she's on the street corners."


Fucking honoured.
( holygiblets, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 8:28, Reply)

best heckles I've ever witnessed?
My cat's when I stuck my finger up its arse
(saltydogstar, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 8:27, Reply)

I saw Sheep On Drugs when they came to Australia...

..and they weren't that great, for a number of reasons:

i) the guy appeared to be somewhat the worse for strong drugs.

ii) their PowerPoint backdrop thing didn't work properly.

iii) there was only two of them, and one of them wasn't the original member or something.

However like a chump, I did my best to get into them and have a good time, rather than whinging or heckling, and thus I have no amusing story to tell.

PS unlike every other single person there.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 8:24, Reply)